The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(The scene begins with the doctors of the 4077th in surgery again, once again operating on the wounded. Hawkeye is busy operating when Houlihan comes over, pulls down his mask to give him a bite of a sandwich)

Hawkeye- What, did you send out to the enemy for that sandwich?

(Trapper is lying asleep on one of the operating tables)

Houlihan- Macintyre (Houlihan taps him, he doesn't wake up) Macintyre (she shakes a little harder, he jumps awake, two orderlys bring in another patient and put him down on the table, Macintyre gets back to work)

(The camera pans over to Frank who is drinking milk through a straw from an IV bottle whilst operating)

(Outside OR the doctors take off their scrubs)

Hawkeye- What a session

Trapper- Is it tuesday or wednesday?

Nurse- It's friday

Trapper- well, somebody owes us a thursday

Hawkeye- either that or two wednesdays

(They step, exhausted outside)

Trapper- What's that I smell?

Hawkeye- fresh air, if memory serves

Trapper- Hey Radar, what did your ears say, more choppers, ambulances?

Radar- The deluge is over, the enemy's pulled back and it's gonna take them at least a week to regroup

Hawkeye- You can hear all that?

Radar- I read the report on the colonels desk

(An ecstatic Hawkeye and Trapper pat Radar on the back, Radar leaves, Hawkeye and Trapper walk towards the swamp)

Trapper- Come on, lets get something to eat

Hawkeye- Right, after we get something to drink

Trapper- Is that all you think about, drinking?

Hawkeye- I don't mind eating if it's possible to make a martini sandwich

Trapper- Listen, after having sandwiches stuffed in my ears for three days I want some steak and potatoes

Hawkeye- On an empty stomach, come on, be sensible, you have to have a martini first

Trapper- Just one

Hawkeye- One big one

Trapper- How big

Hawkeye- Picture a basketball as the olive

Trapper- Ok

(They enter the swamp)

Hawkeye- Boy, have I been looking forward to this, (picks up a glass) darling were about to make each other very happy. (He goes to pour a drink)

Hawkeye- It's dry

Trapper- Well, you can't make them dry enough for me

Hawkeye- I mean the still is dry you knuckle head, you didn't put the fixings in last night

Trapper- I wasn't here last night

Hawkeye- That's no excuse, I mean it is but it isn't, you know what this means, no martinis! (he looks distraught)

Trapper- You should have enough martinis stores in your hump to last you seven days, and don't call me knuckle head.

(They both sit sulkily on their beds)

Hawkeye- What is this, what's happening to us?

Trapper- Our first fight

Hawkeye- Were always on the same side

Trapper- Yeah, us against them

Hawkeye- Whoever the them, we were always us

(Trapper walks over to Hawkeyes bunk)

Trapper- You know if I was to analyse your symptoms, I would say stress

Hawkeye- Yeah

Trapper- Irritability from over work

Hawkeye- That's what I got

Trapper- And you know what I would prescribe

Hawkeye- Two days rest and relaxation at the recreation centre in Tokyo

Trapper- Actually I was thinking about three days

Hawkeye- Well, your the doctor. Shall we visit our friendly travel agent

(The scene changes to Colonel Blakes tent, where Blake is joined by Hawkeye, Trapper and Radar)

Radar- Here you go sir (He enters carrying golf clubs)

Trapper- Oh going to do a little outdoor surgery are we Henry

Blake- Nothing wrong with a litlle relaxation

Hawkeye- Precisely. Before we go we want you to arrange a few days for us at the R and R centre

Trapper- Right

Blake- I'm late now guys (To Radar) Ok Radar

(He leaves, Hawkeye and Trapper follow as Blake gets into a jeep)

Trapper- Hey Henry, if you don't let us go they'll take us out of here in a rubber truck

Hawkeye- Frank Burns is in charge

Trapper- And he'll never let us out

Hawkeye- Everytime you go he turns into instant Hitler

(Radar loads his golf clubs into the jeep) Thankyou Radar (Turns to Hawkeye) You'll just have to work it out

Hawkeye- If I don't get out of this place for a while im going to start picking flowers off the wallpaper. I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I drempt it while I was awake (grabs Blakes lapels threateningly)

Blake-(To jeep driver) Move out

Trapper-(slightly concerned) Were you acting

Hawkeye- You aint seen nothing yet

(The scene changes to the Post Op ward where Hawkeye and Trapper are talking to a nurse)

Hawkeye-(jittery) Lieutenant, check the patient in bed number five. I let him write a letter home to his mother but I think it may have been too much for him. I don't like the way he's breathing

(she gets up from her desk and goes down to bed five, pulls back the covers only to find a dog connected to an oxygen mask)

(Outside Post Op Hawkeye is walking through the compound when nurse approaches him)

Nurse- Hawkeye, can I have a word with you?

Hawkeye- If it's the one I want to hear

Nurse- Listen, Maybe Iv'e been unfair, you've asked me out so many times and, well I'm not on duty tonight, so I was wondering...

Hawkeye- You can stop wondering, you're about to face reality. Wait a minute what did you have in mind?

Nurse- Whatever you have in mind

Hawkeye-(he looks shocked)What, Lieutenant if I din't know you better I'd be hurt

Nurse- But Hawkeye

Hawkeye- I know what you want, what you all want, you think just because a guy smiles at you and lets you cut in front of him in chow line, he's a push over (by now a crowd has gathered) well, let me tell you something lieutenant, im not that kind of boy (He storms away leaving her looking bemused)

The scene changes to the mess tent where Burns, Houlihan and Trapper are eating lunch)

Trapper- I'm worried about Hawkeye

Burns- Well, I wouldn't , he does very well looking after himself

Trapper- That's exactly the point, he's not himself

Burns- What does that mean?

Trapper- He seems to be losing touch with reality

(Burns and Houlihan laugh)

Burns- I think the last person we have to worry about is Hawkeye Pierce

(Hawkeye enters wearing full surgical scrubs, gloves and mask, carrying a covered over tray and surgical instruments. He sits down at the table)

Burns- Were you just in surgery?

Hawkeye- I'd rather not say

(He removes the cloth from his plate and starts to eat using the surgical instruments he brought with him, Burns and Houlihan look puzzled)

Burns- Alright, what's all this funny business there?

Hawkeye- There's nothing funny here to me Frank, I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver

Burns- Liver? Where did you get liver? They're serving hamburgers

Hawkeye-(Grabs his plate guardedly) This is mine  and you can't have any

Burns- Ok, but where did you get it?

Hawkeye- From that North Korean

Burns- What North Korean? The, you mean the one that

Hawkeye- The one that croaked

(Burns looks at Houlihan disgusted)

Houlihan- You didn't?

Hawkeye- He was very clean

Burns- You must be looney. What is this?

Hawkeye- If you want to join me for breakfast we can have a stack of pancreas

(Frank pulls Hawkeye's plate towards him to get a better look)

Hawkeye-(infuriated) You touched my plate, your not sterile, you ruined my liver and were all out of North Koreans

(He grabs Frank by the lapels, Trapper grabs Hawkeye and slaps him)

Hawkeye- I don't think I needed that (He takes off his gloves)

Trapper-(To Radar) Take him back to the swamp and give him the blue pills

(Radar goes to grab Hawkeyes arm)

Hawkeye- Don't touch me (To Frank who has grabbed hold of Margaret) Filthy liver thief

Trapper- Well Frank

Burns- I know we've all been working really hard but Pierce has always been a rock

Trapper- Let me take him to Tokyo for some R and R before he cracks up any further (Frank looks at Margaret) Frank, I'm the only one that can handle him

Burns- Ok i'll make the arrangements

Trapper- You know Pierce was saying only this morning what a considerate, intelligent human being you are

Burns- (To Margaret) He has flipped

(The scene changes to Margaret's tent where Margaret is applying moisturiser while talking to Frank)

Burns- I've made my decision, why do I still feel so uneasy

Houlihan- Because we both know what operators they are. How about this, I have a psychiatrist friend in the 421st evac, Phil Sherman, he's been crazy about me for years. Crazy, isn't that funny.

Burns- I don't think anybody being crazy about you is funny Margaret

Houlihan- Frank, you're jealous

Burns- Jealous, I envy anyone that comes close to you, I envy the fly that walks across your upper lip, I envy the cotton tips that you stick in your ears.

Houlihan- The point is Sherman's a brilliant psychiatrist and if anyone can spot a phoney... Do you see what I'm getting at?

(The scene changes to the swamp where Hawkeye and Trapper are packing)

Hawkeye and Trapper-(singing) My blue heaven

Hawkeye- In a few hours i'm going to be in the arms of someone I haven't even met yet

(Radar enters with a note)

Radar- By order of Major Frank Burns, acting commanding officer. Captain B F Pierce will make himself available for an examination by Captain Philip G Sherman

Hawkeye- What kind of an examination?

Radar- Psychiatric

Hawkeye- Well you can just tell your psychiatrist that i'm not going to be here

Trapper- Tell him to start without him

Hawkeye- We're going to be in a hotel in Tokyo

(They go to leave but are hearded back in by two MP's)

Hawkeye- Oh, the bellhops are here. This is a nice room

Trapper- Yeah I stay here all the time

Hawkeye- Well thanks fellas i'll just slip into something comfortable

(He lies down on his bed)

Hawkeye- I think they're waiting for a tip

(The scene changes to Radars office where Houlihan is using a typewriter. Radar enters with Captain Sherman)

Houlihan- Captain Sherman

Sherman- Margaret I...

Houlihan- Corporal take the Captains bags to the visiting officers tent

Radar- Yes sir

Houlihan- Ma'am

Radar- Sir?

Houlihan- Dismissed

(Radar leaves)

Sherman- It's been a long time

Houlihan- San Diego

Sherman- I waited for you in the bar until 4am, you never came

Houlihan- I said I wouldn't

Sherman- You didn't lie

Houlihan- I think you'd better see Captain Pierce right away

(The scene changes to the swamp, Hawkeye is sitting on his bunk, while Sherman sits on a chair next to him)

Sherman- Captain for me to do my job I've got to know what's bothering you, if anything, so the sooner you trust me the sooner I'm going to be able to help you

Hawkeye- Oh I trust you, why wouldn't I trust you?

Sherman- That's a very healthy attitude

Hawkeye- Thankyou

Sherman- Your welcome

Hawkeye- To be sure

Sherman- To be sure

Hawkeye- Right

Sherman- Right

Hawkeye- Wrong

Sherman- I beg your pardon

Hawkeye- Oh I was just associating freely. I thought you'd expect that

Sherman- Fine

Hawkeye- Dandy

Sherman- Doctor

Hawkeye- Nurse

Sherman- No, no, no

Hawkeye- Yes, yes, yes

Sherman- No were not going to do that

Hawkeye- Oh, whatever you say

Sherman- Pierce

Hawkeye- Arrow, Oh, I'm sorry

Sherman- Were both professional men, lets get to it. What's your problem?

Hawkeye- I appreciate your forthright approach, i'm going to level with you. I'm in love

Sherman- That's nice, i'm sure but it doesn't explain your rather eratic behaviour of late

Hawkeye- Maybe it's because i'm in love and he doesn't even know I exist

Sherman- Did you say he?

Hawkeye- I'm relying on your professional discretion

Sherman- Of course. Who is it?

Hawkeye- Frank Burns

Sherman- Major Burns?

Hawkeye- Frank

Sherman- Tell me about him

Hawkeye- You don't know what it's been like sharing the same tent month after month and having him think of me as just another guy

Sherman- Go on, please

Hawkeye- If only he'd know I sleep every night with his shaving brush under my pillow (he lifts his pillow to show Franks shaving brush) I always try to operate at the same table he does, somehow I think sharing a casualty brings us closer together

Sherman- Of course

Hawkeye- But he's only got eyes for Hotlips

Sherman- That would be Major Houlihan

(He moves closer to Sherman)

Hawkeye- Did you know she dyes her hair blonde

Sherman- Oh

Hawkeye- Oh yeah, thats why I dyed my hair black, I think Frank should have a clear choice

Sherman- Keep talking doctor

(Captain Sherman pulls out a notebook and starts writing)

Hawkeye- Do you think a girl should throw herself at him like that, I realise i'm only a Captain and he's a Major but after all, fair is fair, you know what I mean?

(The scene changes to Blakes office, Blake has just got back from his trip and Radar is helping him to unpack)

Blake- Anything new develop while I was gone Radar?

Radar- Nothing much sir

Blake- Good

Radar- Just Captain Pierce all of a sudden went bananas and they had to call in a psychiatrist. There's a latrineagram going around that he might be shipped out to the laughing academy

Blake-(Annoyed) Oh, he's beautiful

Radar- I'll have Captain Sherman report to your office as soon as he's available

(In unison with Radar)

Blake- Have Captain Sherman report to my office as soon as he can

(The scene changes Captain Sherman, Blake, Burns and Houlihan are all in Blakes office)

Blake- Captain Sherman do you...

(They all salute each other)

Blake- Captain sherman do you know Major Houlihan, Major Burns

Sherman- Major

Houlihan- Captain

Burns- Sir

Sherman- Sir

Blake- Sit down, sit down

(Sherman pulls out a chair for Houlihan to sit down, Burns gets a chair for himself from the corner but Sherman sits on it before Frank can sit down, so Frank has to stand)

Sherman-(To Frank) Thankyou

Blake- The Captain thinks Pierce is a candidate for the funny farm. Now we all know what a practical joker he is, so Frank why dont you tell us about the time you were asleep and Pierce tied your big toes to the bed frame and yelled fire

Burns- Oh, I'd rather not sir

Blake- How about the time he sedated you and set both your legs and arms in plaster and then hung you from the ceiling in traction ropes and how when you came too you thought you had four broken limbs (Blake is in histerics the others don't find it funny though) and then Pierce came in and cut you down. Frank, I tell you I will never forget that look, the terror in your eyes just before you hit the bed. Do you remember that one Frank?

Burns- I don't think I'll ever forget it sir

Houlihan- We certainly wont

Sherman- Pierce did that?

Burns- Yes and I dont think a man like that should get those three days of R and R

Sherman- I agree, Colonel I'm taking him with me to Tokyo tomorrow.

Blake- You're gonna what?

Sherman- I think Captain Pierce could use a few weeks of observation

Blake- Well, wait a minute, what if I dont get him back

Sherman- We'll do the best we can

Blake- This is the army nobody does the best they can. Frank, tell him how wrong he is. That Pierce is just pulling a fast one or we're gonna lose him, they're gonna take him away, tell him Frank

(Frank and Margaret look at each other)

Blake- Frank tell him

(silence)

Blake- Major Houlihan you tell him

Houlihan- You mean poor Hawkeye

Blake- What poor Hawkeye?

Houlihan- Poor sick Hawkeye

Burns- Sick, Sick, Sick

(The scene changes to the swamp where Hawkeye and Sherman are talking)

Hawkeye- What do you mean, observation. The only thing I want to observe in Tokyo is what a good time i'm having

Sherman- You need tests

Hawkeye- Oh come on you know I was only putting you on about Frank Burns

Sherman- Of course, but you have done some pretty bizarre things

Hawkeye- Gee, I don't know why, i'm only 12,000 miles away from home, sowing people back together who aren't even old enough to shave and a bunch of people I don't know keep dropping bombs on the place where I work which has a big red cross painted on the roof. Maybe I should just hire a band and have the whole thing catered

Sherman- Easy Captain, we'll be leaving in the morning, that's an order

Hawkeye- Didn't anything ever get you Captain, any situation that was thrust upon you in which you didn't come out smelling like a well adjusted rose

Sherman- Not much chance of that Captain, my sense of reality is my gyroscope. Whatever the situation it keeps me right on course

Hawkeye- You're a lucky man, I'm speaking of course in the past tense

Sherman- Just relax

(He leaves, Hawkeye goes to the door, spots Radar and calls him over)

Radar- What's up

Hawkeye- A mission you just volunteered for

Radar- I was just on my way to the shower

Hawkeye- Well, you waited this long

(The scene changes to the mess tent where Captain Sherman is smoking a cigarette. Radar sits at his table and begins to ouldly slurp his soup)

Radar- Do you mind if I sit here sir?

Sherman- No, not at all corporal

Radar- that's very kind of you

(Major Houlihan and a nurse are chatting in the background, Captain Sherman has his back to them. Radar looks over at them, points to himself, mouths me, shakes his head and then points to Captain Sherman. Sherman looks over and they are deep in conversation)

Radar- Would you like some soup sir?

Sherman- No, thankyou

(Again Radar looks over at Major Houlihan, points to himself and mouths me? Sherman looks over and they are once again deep in conversation)

Sherman- Why do you keep doing that?

Radar- It's Major Houlihan sir, she keeps looking over here and when you look over she turns away

Sherman- Major Houlihan?

Radar- Does that surprise you sir? Just this morning I heard her say in the womens showers how great she thinks you are

Sherman- What were you doing in the womens showers?

Radar- Actually I was on the outside fixing a hole in the tent

Sherman- I'm sure she was talking about somebody else. What did she say?

(The scene changes to outside of Major Houlihans tent. Trapper is switching the sign that says 'Maj M Houlihan' for one that says 'Visiting Officers Qtrs')

(Radar and Captain Sherman are then seen walking across the compound towards the tent)

Radar- Thanks for all your advice sir. I'll be sure to send home for that book by Sgt Freud

Sherman- Thats Sigmund Freud

Radar- Oh, yes sir

Sherman- Night

Radar- Goodnight sir

(Sherman enters the tent and flicks the lighswitch but the light doen't come on)

Sherman- Er, there's no light

Radar- Is that so sir, must be a burnt out bulb, I could scrape one up for you

Sherman- Uneccessarry, my profession is helping people to find their way in the dark

Radar- Yes sir, very good sir

(Radar leaves, Sherman feels his way through the darkness to the bed, where he gets undressed. Meanwhile outside the tent Trapper is busy switching the signs back to the way they were originally. Major Houlihan is then seen walking across the compound. She enters her tent and flicks the light switch which does not come on)

Houlihan- Idiotic supply sergeant

(She begins to get undressed not noticing Sherman who has woken up)

Sherman- It's true (he grabs her) let me do that

(Houlihan screams. Meanwhile outside Radar is reconnecting the tents electricity supply, Sherman is all over Houlihan when Trapper enters)

Trapper- Oh, pardon me, I thought I heard somebody yell for help. Carry on (he leaves)

Houlihan- Carry on hell I did yell for help HELP!

Sherman- It's all right

Houlihan- Alright for who. Get off me you animal

Sherman- It's me Philip

(Frank is seen running across the compound, Hawkeye and Trapper stand either side of the door to the tent and salute as Frank enters the tent)

Burns- Captain Sherman! Margaret!

(Houlihan runs to him and hugs him)

Houlihan- It wasn't me I wouldn't have anything to do with this pervert, this sex maniac

Sherman- Margaret, this is a mistake, i've been victimised

Houlihan- Is that what you call it, lying in the dark waiting to spring on an innocent young girl

Sherman- It's all a frame up

Hawkeye- A frameup, your living in a fools paranoia

(Colonel Blake having heard all the screaming enters the tent)

Blake- What the sam hill is going on in here?

Sherman- She wanted me, I mean I thought she wanted me. I'm a very controlled person

Hawkeye- Of course you are just having a little gyroscope trouble

Blake- Trouble with your what?

Sherman- Can I get out of here

Blake- First thing in the morning

Sherman- Tonight

Hawkeye- Even better

Blake- Right

Trapper- I'll pack you some crackers

Hawkeye- I'll get you some bananas and nuts

Sherman- Goodbye Margaret (She lunges at him having to be restrained by Burns)

(The scene changes to outside the swamp where Hawkeye and Trapper emerge wearing hawaiian shirts and carrying their suticases, They jump into a wating jeep. Henry approaches)

Blake- Here you are men, one full week of R and R

Trapper- If I say so myself we earned them

Hawkeye- Yes indeedy

Blake- Now don't forget the deal

Hawkeye- Listen if you need us we're only a phonecall away

(Radar who is sitting reading a comic book suddenly looks up)

Radar- Choppers. Here they come!

Announcer- Attention all personnel incoming casualties, report immediately to admitting ward and OR on the double

(Hawkeye and Trapper reluctantly get out of the jeep)

Hawkeye- Do me a favour, keep the motor running until the war is over

Trapper- and don't start the meter

(They chuck their bags back into the swamp and begrudgingly hand back their passes to Henry and are off to surgery once more)

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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