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TRANSCRIPT:
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Subtitle- Korea 1950- A hundred years ago

Hawkeye and Trapper are out playing golf over a mine field

Colonel Blake and a nurse are drinking champagne

Father Mulcahy is asleep outside his tent

Margaret Hoolihan is in her tent reading a nurses manual while playing footsie with Major Frank Burns who is reading the bible

Radar and Spearchucker are playing american football

Back to Trapper and Hwakeye playing golf over the mine field, Trapper tees off

"Boom"- Trappers golf ball hit a mine and set it off

Trapper- FOUR!

Back to Radar playing football,

Radar- Here they come

enlistee- I don't hear anything

Radar- Wait for it

Sure enough the sound of helicopters is then heard in the distance and we have the opening credits

Announcer over the PA system- Attention all personnel, report immediately to operating room and admitting ward

The scene changes to the operating theatre where the surgeons are all busy operating on their respective patients

Hawkeye-[to himself] Dear Dad, Hawkeye here. You said I sounded a bit callous in my last letter, well let me see if I can put it another way. At this particular Mobile Army Hospital we're not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of the patient, we only care about getting the kid alive and up for someone else to put on the fine touches. We work fast and were not dainty because a lot of these kids who can stand two hours on the table just can't stand one second more. We try to play parr surgery on this course and parr is a live patient.

[To the assisting nurse]- I'll debrade the wound then we'll go in after the spleen. Ok, hey Dish clean that up for us, give me some suction in there.

[To second assistant nurse] Clamp- she hands him a clamp

[To the assistant nurse]- Wanna play a little doctor after were finished

[Camera pans over to Trapper and his patient on the next table]

Anaesthetist[to Trapper]-I think were losing him

Trapper[To Father Mulcahy]- Hey Rev put in a little cross action over here, will you

[Father Mulcahy starts to administer the last rights to the patient]

[Back to Hawkeye and his patient, Major Hoolihan has joined them]

Hoolihan- Eveything under control?

Hawkeye- Yeah fine, but if you don't move then i'm gonna have to cut around your B cups

[Camera pans over to Major Burns and his patient]

Frank[To his assistant Nurse who has just handed him a clamp]- I don't want a kelly clamp, lieutenant

Lieutenant- But that's what you asked for

Frank- Well give me what I want, not what I asked for

Hawkeye[shouts across the OR to Frank's assistant nurse]- Hey Ginger, put a clamp on his mouth.

[To Frank]- You can show us all your diploma later Frank

Frank- That's enough, Captain!

Hawkeye- OK, clever

Frank[the focus back on his patient, to his assistant]- I can see well enough, now give me a sponge

Hawkeye[to his assistant]- I can't see a thing in here. Give me a clamp

[The scene changes to outside the OR where the doctors are emerging from there long stint in surgery]

Frank[running after Hawkeye to catch him up]- Pierce, hold on

Hawkeye- Oh lay off Frank I just had a hard day at the office.

Frank- Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming of an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man.

Hawkeye- I'm only an officer because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party and as for my ability as a doctor, If you seriously question that, I'm afraid i'll just have to challenge you too a dule.

Trapper- Swords or pistols

Hawkeye- I was thinking of specimen bottles at twenty paces.

Frank- There are ladies present

Hawkeye[to Hoolihan]-Oh sorry baby.

Hoolihan- Major to you.

Hawkeye- Right sorry major baby

Frank[to Hawkeye]- You're a disgrace to this outfit

Hawkeye- Oh come on Frank, we've all had twelve hours of meatball surgery in there. My brain is sending me urgent rest telegrams. You must be tired too, after all that malpractice you you put in, in there.

Hoolihan[to Hawkeye and Trapper]- You're dismissed

Hawkeye- Thanks mother, we've gotta get up early anyway and fix Macarthur's hernia [to trapper] Come on Mary.

Hawkeye and Trapper walk away towards the swamp

Trapper- The nurse this guy had

Hawkeye- Oh is that the one with...

Trapper- Yeah, Yeah, the one I was telling you about. She came to me once with a sore throat, she didn't mind me examining her tonsils but she didn't understand why she had to take off her clothes.

Hawkeye- That's a woman all over

Trapper- Best place for them to be

[Spearchucker comes into the swamp and sits down on his bed]

Spearchucker[To Hawkeye and Trapper]- Night guys, I've booked a call for 1967.

[Ho John a Korean boy passes Hawkeye and Trapper two drinks that he has just poured out of the distillery]

Hawkeye[Taking a sip]-Ah, finest kind.

Trapper- Just like mother used to make

Hawkeye- You know we gotta do it some day. Throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the North and the South in here for a cocktail party, last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.

[Radar enters the swamp with the mail]-You guys got mail, Hawkeye[passes him a letter],Trapper[Also gets a letter]

Trapper- I don't feel like mail.

Hawkeye[To Trapper] Go ahead, open it. They can't draft you again.

Trapper[Reading his mail]- Bad news from my wife, she still loves me. Get this, she still thinks I got sent to Korea as part of some secret plot to cheat on her.

Hawkeye- Didn't you?

Trapper- Yeah, but how did she figure it out?

Hawkeye[After reading his mail]- Hey Ho John, Come here! Sit down. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.

Trapper-Sounds like a nice place to stay

Hawkeye- He's the head of my Alma Mater. Listen to this, [reading] Dear Hawkeye, as Dean of the college I naturally remember you very well.[To Trapper] After my first autopsy I nailed the nervous system. [back to the letter] Your request to enter the Korean boy Ho John seems one of your nobler gestures, his academic record meets our requirements. We would be pleased to accept him this fall, provided you can get him here and also send me $1000 tuition fee before the 15th. It was good hearing from you. If you do to the army what you did to this college, America is finished. Yours sincerely etc,etc...

Trapper- Hey, thats terrific

Ho John- How can I ever thankyou

Hawkeye- You just go back there and become the best possible you, you can.

Ho John I go tell my folks[ He runs excitedly outof the swamp ]

Trapper-Where are we gonna get $1000 dollars?

Hawkeye- It's more like $2000 you know. With transporation and clothing and everything. He can stay with my parents, there's no problem there.

[Spearchucker mumble incomprehensibly in his sleep]

Trapper- Maybe we could sell Spearchucker while he's asleep

Hawkeye- There must be something we could sell. What does everybody want here. What do all these people want more than anything else

Trapper- To go home or to Tokyo, whichever comes first

Hawkeye- What do they really want?

Trapper[with a knowing smile]- SEX!

Hawkeye- Aha

Trapper- Except for those baseball perverts

Hawkeye- We'll have Radar print up some tickets and you make a sign

Trapper- Wanna tell me what are we gonna put on this sign

Hakeye- All you can drink 10 bucks a head, Giant door prize a weekend pass for two in Tokyo, winner to share the company of a gorgeous nurse.

Trapper- You want to raffle off a nurse?

Hawkeye- Is that what I said?

[Colonel Blake's office, Colonel Blake is going through his filing cabinet with his back to the room when Radar enters]

Radar- Yes, sir

Blake[shouting]Radar!

Radar-Yes, sir

[Blake turns round and is shocked to see Radar standing at his side]

Blake-Radar, don't do that

Radar- Yes, sir, you wanted to see me

Blake- Yes, let me say I want to see you before I see you

Radar- Yes sir[hands Blake some papers] You wanted to see these sir

Blake- How did you know that?

Radar- That's why you called me [Blake turns his back to the door once again and continues with his filing] You wanted me to take those sir [Takes papers out of Blakes hand Hawkeye and Trapper enter the office unseen by Henry who still has his back to the door] Captain's Pierce and Macintyre to see you sir.

Blake- Show them in [Turns round to face Hawkeye and Trapper] Men

Trapper- How are you Henry?

Hawkeye- How are you Henry?

Blake- Thats not what you guys came to ask. The last thing you want to know when you say how are you, is how am I

Hawkeye- Ok Henry lets skip the grissle and get right down to the bone. What we want from you is two weekend passes so we can raise this tuition [indicats letter from the dean] We want to raffle them off along with one of our nurses whos heart and everything else is in the right place.

Blake- Seems like a good enough cause, Why don't I trust you guys?

Trapper- Because were not trustworthy

Blake- Yeah, maybe that's it. How do I know your on the level? Which nurse have you conned into this?

Hawkeye- I haven't approached her yet but there can be only one choice,A girl with a face that doesn't quit, a girl with so much body she should be continued on the next girl. Lieutenant Dish

Blake- Lieutenant Dish will never agree to this

Hawkeye- Oh but she will, inaccessible as she is to everybody else in this crudy outfit, she's putty in the hands of a master.

[The scene changes to a nurse painting her toenails, as the camera slowly pans up her body we see Hawkeye kissing her neck]

Dish- Hawkeye, that makes me crazy

Hawkeye- My lips were made by Stradivarius, Lieutenant Dish I have to ask you a favour

Dish- How many times must I tell you, I'm engaged

Hawkeye- I'm engaged too, think of me as a dress rehearsal

[The scene changes several times with the conversation between Dish and Hawkeye as a voiceover. The scene changes to Dish sitting in her tent and Hawkeye popping out of her footlocker, the scene then changes again with Dish in her tent once again and this time Hawkeye pops out of her duffel bag]

Dish- Always sneaking up on me

Hawkeye- Who sneaks up on you?

Dish- You really thrive on rejection. Hawkeye I'm trying to be faithful. A girl can only take so much

Hawkeye- Are we anywhere near that point yet?

Dish- You said you wanted a favour

Hawkeye- Yeah, I'll tell you after I finish my lunch.[He then proceeds to kiss her neck again]

[While all this is going on in Dish's tent Hoolihan and Burns are watching through binoculars]

Hoolihan- Sickening

Burns- Animals [Burns then proceeds to kiss Hoolihans neck]

[The scene changes again and we find Hawkeye and Trapper in the Swamp counting the money that they have collected for the raffle]

Hawkeye- Here's $10 for Radars ticket and ten for the winning ticket

Trapper- Listen, you walk off with this raffle, were gonna be able to sell tickets to your linching

Hawkeye- Don't worry about it. How we doing?

Trapper- Around $600

Hawkeye- Oh well we haven't given everybody a chance to contribute

[Hawkeye goes over to Burns' bunk, clims on his bed and starts searching through his bible]

Trapper- Hey, what are you doing in Franks gear?

Hawkeye- I'm selling nickelnose a ticket. I know he wouldn't mind if he were alive today.

[Frank enters to find Hawkeye standing on his bed searching through his things]

Burns- What are you doing there?

Hawkeye- Oh, I just wanted to borrow your bible Frank

Burns- Since when are you interested in the Bible

Trapper- I peaked at the end Frank, The Devil did it

Burns- Shut up [To Hawkeye] Get off there [He pushes Hawkeye of the bed]

Hawkeye- Hey don't get physical Frank, you'll spoil your sainthood

Burns- I've had about as much of this as I can stand from you two, with your snide remarks, your corruption of Hi John and your turning this place into a brothel

[Burns then proceeds to run around the tent pulling down all of Hawkeye and Trappers posters. He then picks up their distillery]

Trapper- Frank, I'm telling you, you drop that Gin mill and your head's gonna go into shock

[Burns then throws the still onto the floor and it breaks]

Burns- Oh...Ah...Listen you guys I didn't know it was going to break

Trapper- Ok Frank

Hawkeye- It's alright Frank

[They then grab a duffel bag and stuff it over Franks head, Trapper then kicks him out of the swamp]

Hawkeye- I thought he'd never leave

[The scene changes to Blake's office where Hawkeye and Trapper are seated, Trapper with his feet up on Blakes desk]

Hawkeye- Henry, you have no idea what it's like to share a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples

Blake- Be that as it may, if I don't do something about this Frank'll report it to Hammond and it'll be my butt in traction. [To Trapper] Get your feet off my desk. So I'm withdrawing the weekend passes. You can forget about the party and raffle business tomorrow night.

Trapper- That's pretty regular army of you, isn't it?

Blake- It' just as well I have to go and see Hammond in Seoul for a few days and I wasn't too happy about the party taking place in my absence

[Hawkeye and Trapper give each other mischievous glances]

[The scene changes again to the helipad where Hawkeye, Trapper and Hoolihan are gathered to see Blake off on his trip to Seoul. Radar approaches Hawkeye and hands him a small brown envelope]

Hawkeye- What's this?

Radar- Weekend passes for the raffle

Hawkeye- When did he sign these?

Radar- When he thought he was ordering a ton of ice cream, fudge ripple

Announcer- Attention all personnel both day and night shifts will be confines to duty in the admitting wards tomorrow night. All other activities are cancelled by order of the acting commanding officer, Major Frank Burns

[Hawkeye picks up a rock as Frank comes into view below looking very smug]

Hoolihan- Put that down

[Hawkeye throws the rock at one of the speakers]

[The scene changes again to the post op ward, Hawkeye and Trapper are both treating patients and Burns enters]

Hawkeye- Morning Frank

Burns- Morning

Hawkeye- Hey Frank, I'm glad you got here, do you want to hear something really wild?

[Frank, armed with stethescope leans over Hawkeye's patient to listen to his chest, a nurse hands Hawkeye a needle and Hawkeye stabs Frank with it, Frank collapses]

Frank- Ah

Hawkeye- Whats the matter Frank?

[They carry him to a bed where they proceed to wrap his head in bandages]

Frank[faintly] Ah

Hawkeye- Whats that Frank. Ok Frank. Now lets see this patient gets all the rest he so badly needs. He should be sedated every hour on the hour.

[The scene changes again and we find that Hawkeye and Trapper are going ahead with the party against orders. The mess tent is full with people having a good time. Hawkeye enters with Nurse Dish and goes straight to the Bar where Ho John is the bartender for the evening]

Hawkeye- Hi Ho John

[Ho John pours them both drinks]

Dish- You still haven't told me how I get out of going out with the winner. Why do I get the funny feeling it's going to be you?

Hawkeye- You dont trust me

Dish- Not since the first time I found you hiding in my sleeping bag

Hawkeye- May I have this shuffle [They start to dance together when Hoolihan enters]

Hoolihan- Excuse me Captain Pierce

Hawkeye- Sorry hunny my dance cards are full

Hoolihan- Where is he?

Hawkeye- Who?

Hoolihan- You know very well who, Major Burns, he's been missing for hours

Hawkeye- Oh I thought you'd heard

Hoolihan- Heard what?

Hawkeye- Frank's gone over to the enemy, they offered him $100 more a week and a royalty on bedpans

Hoolihan- If I find him, you'll be under arrest

Hawkeye- Doesn't bother me, my spies tell me three companies of canadians attacked hill 55 about an hour ago, by midnight this place will be flooded with casualties. Personally I don't plan to work if im busted

Hoolihan- Well you tell that to Major Burns

Hawkeye- Look Hotlips, Why don't you stop worrying about Elma Gantre, grab yourself a partner and give him a dancing physical

[Hoolihan storms off looking for Burns]

Trapper- You will live dangerously

Hawkeye- What can she do to us?

[The scene changes again back to Blake's office where Hoolihan is on the phone]

Hoolihan- General Hammond please, tell him it's Major Hoolihan, Major Margaret Hoolihan from Port Belling

[The scene changes to a restaurant where Blake and Hammond are at dinner with two women. The wiater comes over and tells General Hammond that Hoolihan is on the phone]

Hammond-Hoolihan! [he exclaims with an excited expression]

[We see a flashback to a hospital where Hoolihan is the nurse and Hammond the docotor and they are in a passionate embrace until they knock over a glass cabinet with a loud crash which brings him back to the restaurant]

Hammond- Excuse me, don't get up

Blake- Yes sir [he stands almost knocking over the table]

[We are then back at the 4077th where Hoolihan is still searching for Major Burns]

Hoolihan- Frank, Frank

[We are then taken back to the party where Hawkeye is on stage

Hawkeye- Ok everybody, firstly I'd like to announce that because of your generosity and thirst we've raised over 1800 bucks tonight. That means Ho Johns college career is off to a flying start. [cheers and applause]

Ho John- Go Team! Yeah Team!

Hawkeye- Put that man in traction. The next thing I want to tell you is to get out your raffle tickets because this is when the whole thing hits the fan.

[Back to the post op ward where Hoolihan has just checked Franks chart unaware that it's Frank, she goes to give him a shot of sedative as instructed but she pulls down his trousers and recognises him]

Hoolihan- Frank!

[Back to the helipad where Blake and Hammond have just landed in their chopper, where they are greated by Radar with a bedpan on his head, which is met with some rather strange looks from both Blake and Hammond]

[Back to the party in the mess tent where Hawkeye is just about to draw the raffle.]

Hawkeye- And now the incomprehensible Lieutenant Dish, star of stage, screen and radiology, will dip her sensous claw into the bowl and pick the lucky winner.

[He guides her hand to the bottom where there is a ticket stuck to the bottom]

Hawkeye- And here it is ladies and germs, the name of the fortunate man who will spend a weekend in Tokyo with the completely edible Lieutenant Dish and the winner is Father John P Mulcahy.

[General Hammond is standing at the back having just entered during the drawing]

Hammond- Do I understand that the priest of this outfit has just won a weekend with a nurse in Tokyo

Hawkeye- It's a prayer come true

Hammond- Who are you?

Hawkeye- Captain Benjamin Franklyn Pierce, Who are you Sgt?

Hammond- [indicating his lapel] What do you think this star means?

Hawkeye- You're Tinkerbell

Blake- This is Brigadeer General Hammond, Chief Medical Officer of the Seoul sector

Hawkeye- Oh Hi

Hammond- Which one heres Macintyre?

Trapper- Yo!

Hammond- You and Pierce are both under arrest

Trapper- I'd like to get a second opinion on that

Hawkeye- What's the charge General?

Hammond- Breaking orders by having this party

Blake- and handing out unauthorised passes

[Burns and Hoolihan enter with Frank still half wrapped in bandages]

Hawkeye- Eh, the mummy strikes

Blake- Major Burns sir

Hoolihan- Hamilton

Hammond- Hotlips! [they hug]

Hawkeye and Trapper- Hotlips!

Hoolihan- These two, they're ruining this war for all of us

Hammond- Get your MP's Henry. On the double. You two are going to be court marshalled

Hawkeye- In Tokyo?

Trapper- San Francisco?

Hammond- Right here's where you'll be tried and right here's where you'll serve your time. Your under arrest.

Hawkeye- I'm afraid we can't do that General

Trapper- No

Hawkeye- It's a good idea

Hammond- You can't do what?

Radar- Sir

Hammond- What?

Radar- Wait for it

Hawkeye- Those helicopters your about to hear are going to be filled with Canadians who went to a different party tonight. Without us a lot of those kids are not getting home from that party.

Announcer- Attention all personnel, report to admitting ward and OR

Trappper- General, look, you can put us in the clink after but right now we've got a job to do and were a little short handed around here and we could use all the help we can get. By the way how are your hands, Steady?

[We see them briefly in the operating room, and then the scene changes again and we see them emerging from the OR]

Hammond- Well, I haven't put in a stretch like that for years Henry

Blake- Makes you remember what you're all about doesnt it. Radar!

[Already at his side]

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- Damn it Radar, how many times must I tell you

Radar- yes sir, I've alerted the generals chopper and he's ready to take off at any time

Blake- I want you to alert the generals chopper and have him ready to take off at any time

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- and thats an order

Hammond- Henry, those two maniacs are the best surgeons i've ever seen, made me feel like a horse doctor in there, now make sure you dont lose them, not even to me

Blake- Yes sir. Oh your not leaving now are you sir

Hmmond- Well, I've got to get back to the base Henry

Blake- I wanted to give you a box of you favourite...

Radar- Cigars sir [hands Blake a box of cigars]

Blake- Cigars

Hammond- Ah thankyou Henry. Don' forget what I said

[Hawkeye come out of the OR handcuffed together]

Hawkeye- Hey, Where's he gone, we're all set

Blake- Forget it, he was too impressed to have you arrested

Trapper- We did it again, screwed up in reverse

Hawkeye- I keep telling you we've got to get out of this preoccupation of keeping people alive or we'll never get out of here

Trapper- We're doomed

Hawkeye- Maybe we should start using rusty instruments

Trapper- stop washing our hands

Hawkeye- raise our prices

[They meet two nurses and each starts chatting one up, Both nuses go in opposite directions and both try to follow their nurse but can't because they are still handcuffed together]

ENDING CREDITS