The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE" in IN WORLD WIDE WEB EXCLUSIVITY courtesy of SAMANTHA. "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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TEASER
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 [The year 2030]

NARRATOR: Kids, there’s more than one story of how I met your mother. You know the short version…

[Cut to a yellow umbrella floating down a street]

NARRATOR: …the thing with your mom’s yellow umbrella. But there’s a bigger story. The story of how I became who I had to become before I could meet her. And that story begins here.

[Cut to Ted and Barney outside of Marshall and Lily’s wedding reception]

BARNEY: -Dary! Legendary! Dude, I am so excited that you’re single again! We are going to conquer New York City. I already have a girl from work lined up for you. Right boob bigger than the left boob. Which some choose to look at as bra half-empty, I choose to look at as bra half-full.

TED: Uh, I don’t know. Robin and I broke up two weeks ago. I’m--I’m not ready.

BARNEY: When will you be ready?

NARRATOR: It was a good question.

[Cut to Robin and Ted hugging after breaking up]

NARRATOR: After a big relationship ends, you need some time to recuperate. Robin took a trip to Argentina, and I went through my usual routine.

[Cut to Ted checking out his beard in a mirror]

NARRATOR: I grew my breakup beard.

(Barney bursts into the room)

BARNEY: Ted Mosby, suit up! ‘Cause here’s the plan. There’s a Miss Nassau County Pageant. We’ll pretend to be judges, and yes, our votes are for sale.

TED: I’m not ready.

[Cut to the apartment. Ted paints a wall. Barney comes in]

NARRATOR: I repainted the apartment.

BARNEY: Finish line of a woman’s 10K. Salty girls on an endorphin high who just want to lie down. Yeah.

TED: Not ready.

[Cut to the bar]

NARRATOR: And the truth is, I was doing really good.

BARNEY: Female acrobats from Montreal. Super flexible. We are gonna get Cirque du So-Laid. (sing-song)What up?

TED: Barney, come on, we’ve covered this, I’m not--

LILY: Robin!

(Robin walks up with Gael)

ROBIN: Hey, guys! I just got in last night. Um, uh, this is Gael.

GAEL: Hola.

TED: Okay, I’m ready.

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Credits
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ACT ONE
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[The apartment. Barney, Marshall, and Lily are there. Ted is in the bathroom, where a razor is heard]

TED: I just can’t believe her! (he walks into the room with only his chin shaved) We have this totally amicable split, everything’s cool. And she comes back from vacation with that guy? You know what she’s doing? She’s trying to win the breakup.

LILY: What do you mean, “win the breakup”, old-timey inventor?

MARSHALL: What our twenty-first president, Chester A. Arthur, is trying to say, is that, in every breakup, there are winners, and losers.

LILY: It’s not a competition. Now, your 80-day balloon race around the world, that was a competition.

MARSHALL: That’s my wife.

BARNEY: Of course it’s a competition, Lil. How else do you explain--what’s his name?

[Flashback: the bar]

GAEL: Gael.

TED: I’m sorry, Gayle?

GAEL: Gael.

BARNEY: Kyle?

GAEL: Gael.

MARSHALL: Girl?

ROBIN: It’s pronounced “guy-el.”

GAEL: It means “joyful.” That is why I live my life by bringing joy, good energy, and happiness to others. Especially those less fortunate than I.

TED: I’m sorry, so it’s Gayle?

[End flashback]

TED: (with only a mustache now) What a jerk. I don’t go to your stupid country and try to seduce women with my sexy accent.

BARNEY: That’s a great point, Persian nightclub owner.

TED: Oh, and he’s a masseuse.

[Flashback]

GAEL: With massage, everything is connected. I can touch your foot, cleanse your kidney. I can touch your earlobe, and slow your heartbeat.

TED: One time, I used warm water to make a guy pee. Of course, I didn’t make a career out of it.

GAEL: Career? Such an American idea. My career is living. Windsurfing. Making love. Sometimes at the same time.

BARNEY: How? How would one do that exactly? Seriously, don’t giggle. Tell me.

[End flashback]

BARNEY: Not possible. You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board.

LILY: How do you know?

BARNEY: Glad you asked, Lily. I have crafted a list of every vehicle-land-based, aquatic, and airborne-in which/on which it’s possible to have sex. And of those 33 vehicles, I have had sex in/on 31. Windsurfing board, not on the list, not possible. Oh, P.S., in order to hit 33, all I need is bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.

LILY: To get that last one, you’d have to break into the Smithsonian.

BARNEY: This conversation never happened.

TED: All right. You’re suited up, I’m bearded down, Let’s get out there and win this thing.

BARNEY: Yes!

TED: You guys, have fun on your double date.

LILY: Oh, for the hundredth time, I’m sorry, there was a lull.

[Flashback]

GAEL: And then we fell asleep on the beach while counting the stars.

LILY: Do you want to have dinner with me? Uh, us?

[End flashback]

MARSHALL: There was no lull. You just think he’s incredibly hot.

LILY: No, I don’t! Not incredibly. It’s a little hard to believe how hot he is. But I mean, she’s not serious about him. The girl never marries the hot guy.

MARSHALL: Well, you did.

LILY: I’m one of the lucky few.

MARSHALL: Lily, Ted is our best friend, so let’s get something straight. Male Gayle is not hot. He’s not our friend. Don’t even look at him. Just...no eye contact.

[Cut to the apartment later. Robin and Gael enter]

NARRATOR: So that night, as Lily and Marshall did their best to hate Gael....

LILY: Hey, Robin. (looks down) Gael.

NARRATOR: Robin pulled me aside to check in. Now, I’m sure she meant the best, but she said the worst.

ROBIN: I just want to make sure you’re okay with this.

[Cut to the bar later]

TED: “I just want to make sure you’re okay with this”? Damn it! I can’t believe she’s the one who gets to say that. She’s winning, isn’t she?

BARNEY: Not for long. Okay, pep talk. Take a knee. Ted, tonight we’re gonna get you someone way hotter than Robin. Okay, Robin’s a ten. Fine, we’ll get you a 12. Or, you know, 2 sixes. Failing that, four threes. And, break glass in case of emergency, we’ll go to Staten Island, get you 12 ones. Ted, my boy, I am gonna re-teach you h--ah.

(Ted is making out with a random girl)

AMY: Amy.

TED: Ted.

BARNEY: Barney.

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ACT TWO
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[the bar]

BARNEY: Ted, we are back! Up here. Up high. Fivin’ it up five-style!

[Cut to the apartment]

ROBIN: I’m sorry this is all so weird.

MARSHALL: Weird? Why would it be weird? Because you used to date our best friend or because my wife thinks your new boyfriend is incredibly hot?

LILY: I do not! Shut up. Oh, my God.

ROBIN: I just hope Ted’s okay.

GAEL: I hate to see you so tense. (begins massaging her)

ROBIN: I mean, we had a really clean break-up, you know. We really acted like adults, so the last thing--oh. Oh, God, oh yeah.

(Robin sits on the floor in front of Gael moaning)

MARSHALL: Gael, are you a properly licensed massage therapist?

GAEL: What?

MARSHALL: Are you legally certified by some type of governing entity?

GAEL: I train for three years at an institute in Buenos Aires. I have a card. I can show you.

MARSHALL: Is the card laminated?

GAEL: What do you mean, “laminated”?

MARSHALL: Covered in protective plastic.

GAEL: Oh, yes.

MARSHALL: Damn it. (to Lily) He checks out.

[Cut to the bar. Ted and Amy are still making out.]

BARNEY: Ted. Ted. Ted. Ted.

TED: What?

(Barney leads Ted away from Amy)

BARNEY: Let’s bail, this place is dead.

TED: Yeah, you’re right, we’re both totally striking out.

BARNEY: Exactly. Plus, we’re on a tight schedule. I’ve got this entire evening perfectly planned out. Spoiler alert: Our last stop is an after-hours club so after-hours, it’s three days from now. What up?

TED: Are you blind? I’m making out with a 12. I am winning.

BARNEY: Yeah, but I didn’t get to help.

TED: So you’re saying you want me to throw away a super-hot girl just because you didn’t help me get her?

BARNEY: Apology accepted. Let’s go.

(Amy walks over)

AMY: Who’s the suit?

TED: Um, this is Barney. Barney, Amy.

BARNEY: I’m not going to remember that. Now, if you’ll excuse me, random chick from earlier tonight, as you shall henceforth be known, Ted and I have a schedule to keep.

AMY: Oh, well, you can check off 8:54, dress up like a dork and bother the cool kids. Beat it nerd.

BARNEY: Wow. Wow. Great stuff, Tommy Lee. See, what you don’t understand is, I’m Ted’s wingman. It’s a sacred bond. Much stronger than any--they’re making out again.

[Cut to the apartment. Marshall is in the kitchen]

MARSHALL: (mutters)Massage therapist. And you know what, Gayle? Your piece of chicken looks a little tense to me. Oh, Oh, does that feel good, Mr. Chicken? Well, guess what? I didn’t wash my hands. Got him.

(Marshall walks back into the living room.)

MARSHALL: Lily!

(Lily is being massaged by Gael.)

GAEL: We carry so much ancient emotion in our neck and shoulders. Things we should have let go of years ago.

LILY: I forgive you, Mom.

(Marshall takes Lily into the kitchen)

MARSHALL: Lily, we are Ted’s best friends. Our job is to hate that guy.

LILY: Oh, yeah, that’s what I was doing. I was just building him up so a few minutes later I could totally cut him down.

MARSHALL: Weren’t you wearing a bra?

[Cut to bar]

NARRATOR: The night was going great. Amy was cool and dangerous. She found a friend for Barney. She even paid for drinks. Sort of.

(Amy steals liquor from behind the bar.)

BARNEY: They know us here. You’re gonna get us in trouble.

AMY: Tell me something. Do you ask the tailor to leave extra room in the crotch for your huge vagina?

BARNEY: You...your vagina.... Ted, this chick is crazy. We’re leaving.

AMY: Good idea. Let’s all go back to my place.

BARNEY: Your place? Thanks but no thanks, 1994 Courtney Love.

AMY: I have a hot tub.

[Cut to Amy’s hot tub]

BARNEY: Okay, this is actually pretty nice.

TED: I like your tats.

AMY: Thanks. You can play with them if you want. They’re a hundred percent real.

TED: No, your tats...toos, your tattoos.

AMY: Oh, thanks. You should get one.

BARNEY: Wrong. Ted has a classic, clean-cut look that never goes out of style, season after season. Burn.

AMY: Well, I think he would look hot with some ink.

BARNEY: No, he wouldn’t.

AMY: Yes, he would.

BARNEY: No, he wouldn’t.

AMY: Yuh-huh.

BARNEY: Nuh-uh.

AMY’S FRIEND: I’m read to do anything you want, by the way. Anything.Right now.

BARNEY: Ted, who are you gonna side with on this tattoo thing?

TED: I think I’d look way hot with some ink.

AMY: Yeah you would.

TED: Yeah.

AMY: Oh, my God. Tyler?

TYLER: Mommy! Daddy! She’s back!

AMY: Damn it, they were supposed to be in the Hamptons. Run!

[Cut to street]

AMY: Sorry. I used to nanny for those jerks until they fired me. So unfair.

BARNEY: Unfair? I wouldn’t let you take care of the imaginary kids I make up to score with single moms. That’s it Ted, we’re going home. Ted? Ted, you okay?

[Cut to fantasy: Robin and Gael are windsurfing.]

GAEL: Hello, Ted. Robin and I are about to make fantastic aquatic sex on this windsurfing board.

ROBIN: And I just want to make sure you’re okay with this.

(Both laugh)

ROBIN: Okay, how do we do this?

GAEL: I think your leg goes up, up...

ROBIN: Okay, how ‘bout if I, um….

GAEL: No, mine…

ROBIN: Reach.

[End fantasy]

TED: I’m okay. In fact, here’s how okay I am. I’m gettin’ a tattoo.

BARNEY: You’re not getting a tattoo. It’s not you. Ted, you are heading down a dark path.

TED: That dark path is my driveway.

BARNEY: But you need a plan and you need a wingman!

(Ted and Amy’s taxi drives away.)

BARNEY: This is so going in my blog!

AMY’S FRIEND: Wanna have sex?

BARNEY: Okay.

[Cut to tattoo parlor.]

TED: And underneath it should say, “I win.” And then it should have flames coming out the bottom.

AMY: Oh, fire. Oh, we should start a fire!

TED: After this, maybe. Oh, man, this is gonna be legen-wait for it.

NARRATOR: And, that’s all I remember.

[Cut to Ted’s room]

NARRATOR: The next morning I woke up alone back home.

(Ted wakes up. He doesn’t have a tattoo anywhere on his arms or his chest. He sighs, relieved. As he leaves the room, we see the butterfly tattoo across his lower back)

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ACT THREE
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[The apartment]

MARSHALL: Hey, buddy, how was your night?

TED: You know, it was great. I met this crazy girl, I almost got a tattoo. Don’t worry, I didn’t. But it was...amazing. I think it’s safe to say I am winning this breakup.

(Lily points out the tattoo to Marshall)

MARSHALL: Oh, my God.

TED: What?

MARSHALL: Nothing. This J. Crew catalog. Who brings two golden retrievers in a canoe?

(Ted leaves the room)

LILY: We’ve gotta call Barney.

MARSHALL: Way ahead of you.

[Cut to later. Barney comes in. Ted is in the kitchen, now in a shirt]

BARNEY: Hey guys, what’s the big emergency? Oh, and B the W, I am never speaking to Ted again.

LILY: Really? Never? Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass?

BARNEY: What?

MARSHALL: Ted. Can you grab me the fondue pot?

(Ted reaches up and shows his tattoo)

MARSHALL: He has no idea.

(Barney falls backward)

MARSHALL: And up we go.

(Ted hands Marshall the fondue pot)

MARSHALL: Thank you.

TED: Mm-hmm. What?

BARNEY: Ted?

TED: Mm?

BARNEY: I came here this morning because I want to apologize.

TED: Apology accepted, Barney. As you can see, I do just fine on my own. I don’t need a babysitter.

BARNEY: See, all this time, I thought you needed a wingman to fly. But the truth is you, you’ve got your own wings now. Since you and Robin split, you’ve been gestating. Growing in your cocoon. And last night you burst out of that cocoon, like a majestic, uh...garsh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? I was always bad at science.

LILY: He’s gonna say it!

TED: A butterfly? (everyone laughs) What?

BARNEY: Nothing, buddy.

(Barney hits Ted’s tattoo)

TED: Ow. Why did that hurt so...? Oh my God! (looks in mirror) I have a tattoo.

BARNEY: Oh, that’s not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.

TED: Tramp stamp.

BARNEY: You know, a ho tag. Ass antlers. A Panama City license plate.

NARRATOR: And suddenly it all came back to me.

[Flashback: Tattoo parlor]

TED: -Dary! Legendary! Man, I am so winning this breakup.

AMY: Mm, I just broke up with my boyfriend Steve. He was totally annoying. He was like, “I think you’re the one, I want to marry you.”

TED: What a wuss. Do you think exes can be friends?

AMY: Yeah. Sure, I mean, we’re still friends, right Steve?

TED: Hey, your name is Steve. And her ex-boyfriend’s name is Steve. What are the odds of th--? Wait.

[End flashback]

TED: No no no no no no no. Give me this.

(Steals Barney’s water and starts dabbing it on his tattoo)
 
LILY: Oh, yeah, that’ll get it out.

MARSHALL: Maybe you should try club soda.

TED: Damn it, it really hurts. I need like, some ointment or something. What is this? Spanish massage oil. Spanish massage oil? What happened here last night?

MARSHALL: Last night got weird.

[Flashback:  the apartment]

(Gael is playing the guitar and singing. Robin is in love, Lily is in love, Marshall is in love.)

[Cut to later. Gael is massaging Marshall]

GAEL: Feel the emotions release.

MARSHALL: Think I just got over being chunky in the ninth grade.

GAEL: You’re beautiful.

MARSHALL: I am beautiful.

[Cut to later. Gael is feeding Robin]

GAEL: Experience your food.

(He moves to feed Lily)

GAEL: Try the mango.

(Marshall eats it instead)

GAEL: Okay, that’s enough of the fruit.

[End flashback]

MARSHALL: We’re sorry, Ted. It’ll never happen again.

LILY: It meant nothing to us. It just felt really really really good.

TED: I can’t even look at you two right now.

MARSHALL: Ted.

(Ted leaves)

LILY: He got a tramp stamp.

[Cut to the hallway outside Robin’s apartment]

TED: All right. First of all, this isn’t one of those “I came all the way over here because I want you back” things. There’ll be no startling confession of love, no sweet indie rock song that swells up just as we’re about to kiss, none of that crap. Got it?

ROBIN: Okay.

TED: Good. Now, here’s the thing. It sucks that you came back from Argentina with someone as awesome as Gael. And I know I have no right to be upset at you. We’re broken up, life goes on, whatever. But you know what? We-we never did this. We-we had this polite breakup with no irrational yelling and that’s just wrong. So I’m gonna yell irrationally for a while and you’re just gonna have to stand there and deal with it, okay?

ROBIN: If you feel like you need to do that, then--

TED: (yells) I think I do! I really think I do! So now, I’m yelling!

ROBIN: You shaved.

TED: (yells) I did.

ROBIN: I liked the beard.

TED: (still yelling) I liked it too, but it was getting kind of hot. Maybe in the winter, I’ll grow it back out! (quietly) Okay, I’m done.

ROBIN: I know it was weird showing up with Gael. I’m sorry.

TED: Look, us breaking up, it was the right thing. But it took some time to get over you, you know? I-I’m still getting over you. But you, you were over it the minute they started the in-flight movie.

ROBIN: Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that’s why Gael happened.

TED: You weren’t trying to win the break-up?

ROBIN: I was trying to survive it.

TED: Okay. No. See, look, that all sounds good, and we’ll still be friends and move on, but, did he have to be so hot? The guy’s an Adonis.

ROBIN: He’s not an Adonis.

TED: He’s the Cadillac of rebound guys. Marshall has a crush on him. The guy’s perfect.

ROBIN: He’s not perfect.

TED: Oh, come on. He’s hot, he windsurfs, he massages things. Name one way I’m better than that guy.

ROBIN: You’re bigger.

TED: Don’t patronize me. If anything, he may even be a little bit taller.

ROBIN: No, Ted....you’re bigger.

[Cut to the bar]

TED: I win!

NARRATOR: Kids, I can’t remember exactly what helped me get through the whole Robin-Gael incident. I’m sure it was something profound and meaningful and not at all macho and petty. But after that, I was back on my feet.

[The camera goes outside to show a sea of black umbrellas, and one yellow one walking through the crowd]

NARRATOR: And what followed was a new era in my life. A crazy time unlike anything that came before. It’s funny looking back on those days, knowing now exactly what I was heading towards, and what was heading towards me.

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TAG
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[Barney’s office. His phone rings. He answers on his headset]

BARNEY: Go for Barney.

(Marshall is in his darkened apartment, alone)

MARSHALL: Hey, man. It’s Marshall. Check your e-mail. Sent you something.

BARNEY: What is it?

MARSHALL: Just a new website. Slapcountdown.com.

(The countdown reads 55: 23: 59: 57…and counting)

BARNEY: What does this mean? Marshall? Ma--?

(Marshall hangs up. He sniffs his hand, then practices a slap)

BARNEY:  No. (screams) No!
 

END OF EPISODE

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