Scale: Your weight is 113.9 pounds.  [She moves to the mirror and towels it off, when a man wearing a stocking over his head grabs her from behind.]

Man: You gonna make me hurt you?

Woman: No.

Man: I didn’t think so.  [She screams as he drags her back to the bedroom.  He tries to pin her down on the bed, but she forces him off and runs away.  He remains, choking.]

Woman: Are you all right?  Did I hurt you?  Bob!  [She runs to him, and takes the stocking off his head.]  Bob, what’s wrong?  What happened, talk to me!  Oh my God, okay, honey, hang on!  [She dials on the phone.]

Phone: 911, what is your emergency?

Woman: Yes, we need an ambulance at 10600 Xavier, here in 4B, my husband can’t breathe!  Oh my God, he’s turning blue, you have to send someone now, please!  Hurry!

[Credits.]

[Cut to House, lying in bed.  The sound of the shower running is heard.  Cut to a bit later, with House still lying in bed, and a sound like… toenail clippers?  Next cut, with House… you guessed it, and this time the sound is the hair dryer.  Cut to House in the hallway, looking at Wilson, who is drying his hair.]

House: You blow dry your hair?

Wilson: Oh, sorry, did I wake you up?

House: You blow dry your hair?!

Wilson: Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.

House: I think the word you’re looking for is obsessing.  You’ve been at it for almost an hour.

Wilson: If you wanted in, all you had to do is say so.

House: I don’t want in, I want sleep!

Wilson: It’s about time you got up anyway, it’s almost 9:00.

House: This isn’t gonna work.

Wilson: What?

House: You.  Staying here.  [Taking Vicodin.]

Wilson: You’re kicking me out?  After one night?

House: You think we should try counseling first?  Why d’you want to sleep on a couch, anyway?  You’ve got money.  At least until the divorce is finalized.

Wilson: I’ll be out of your hair tomorrow.  [as he leaves] What’s left of it.  [House goes to the mirror and fools with his hair.]

[Cut to Cameron examing the man in the opening, who will now be known as Bob.  Bob’s wife, Maria, is also there.]

Bob: It was three days ago.  My throat got really dry, and my tongue felt like it was blowing up like a balloon.

Cameron: I assume somebody checked for food allergies?

Bob: The first two doctors both did.

Maria: The next one said it was a panic attack; the one after that wanted to take his tonsils out.

Bob: The last one had no idea, just referred us to Dr. House.

Cameron: It says the attack was proceeded by some sort of strenuous physical activity.

Bob: Um, yeah.

Cameron: What were you doing?  [Bob looks uncomfortable, and Maria smirks.]

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

House: Awesome, a sex fiend with a swollen tongue.  Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.  [He appears to be trying to poke a hole off of a pop-top can with a sharp object.  Smart.]

Cameron: He’s not a sex fiend; he’s a happily married man.

House: No such thing.  [He gets a whole, and quickly drinks the can from the hole in the bottom.  Now, that’s a way to consume an energy drink!]

Cameron: What are you doing?

House: Testing a new caffeine delivery system.

Chase: He didn’t get his beauty sleep.  Wilson’s moved in and apparently has unusually loud toenails.

Foreman: If they’re into rape fantasies, S&M is on the menu as well.  Neck trauma could cause vocal chord paroxysms, which could cause choking.

Cameron: I didn’t see any sign of trauma, and they were remarkably open.  I asked about STDs and they admitted about participating in a threesome a few months ago.

House: Hundred bucks says they’re as miserable as the next couple.

Chase: Another guy or girl?

Cameron: Girl.  His wife’s college roommate.

Chase: If he’s not happily married, I don’t know who could be.

House: You’re looking for something.  If you’re happy, you’ve got nothing to look for.

Cameron: His wife arranged it for an anniversary present.  If you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.  [Everyone stares at her.]

House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.

Cameron: I’ll take the bet.

Chase: Maybe the first doctor was right.  Food allergy explains the anaphylaxis. 

Foreman: Could be neurological.  Progressive bulbar paralysis would explain the symptoms.

Cameron: No, ALS would affect his facial muscles before his throat.

House: [writing on the whiteboard] What if the problem’s not in his throat?

Chase: That would be a little odd considering that’s where all his symptoms are.

House: Says who?

Cameron: The patient.

House: Since most patients can’t tell their ulna from their anus, I’m guessing this guy also doesn’t know the difference between choking and suffocating.  His throat might be fine, his lungs might be messed up.  Get more blood, a chest CT and a body plethysmograph.  Unless, of course, you think we should be asking the patient where his anus is, first.  [He leaves.]

[Cut to the clinic.]

Mr. Lambert: It feels like I have to urinate, and then when I try to go…

House: Pull up your pants.

Mr. Lambert: It’s my prostate, isn’t it?

House: Nope, not your prostate.  Herpes.

Mr. Lambert: Herpes?

House: Herpes.  Your turn.  If it makes you feel better, half the patients who come into this place have some sort of crotch rot.

Mr. Lambert: No, it doesn’t.  Look, this is impossible.  I’ve been married for 20 years.

House: Had any sex in those 20 years?

Mr. Lambert: Yes, of course –

House: Then that’s how you got it.

Mr. Lambert: The only person I’ve had sex with is my wife.

House: Bummer.  Take this, once a day.  Tell your wife to do the same.  It’s not going to cure it, but it’ll lessen the frequency of the outbreaks.

Mr. Lambert: But there must be some mistake –

House: You got any kids?

Mr. Lambert: Yeah.

House: Any of them take guitar lessons?

Mr. Lambert: No…

House: Tennis, art, acting?

Mr. Lambert: My daughter does karate, why?

House: Give this to her sensai.  Oh, wait, does your wife play tennis?

Mr. Lambert: No.

House: That’s what I figured.  It never hurts to make sure.  [gives him another script]  For Miyagi.

[Cut to the plethysmography machine.]

Cameron: I’m gonna close the shutter now.  I need you to pant, kinda like a dog.  [Bob does so.]  That’s good, keep going. [to Maria, who is watching with Cameron] Can I ask you a personal question?

Maria: Uh, I guess.

Cameron: The threesome, and the roleplaying… is that because things get boring?

Maria: No, we just enjoy our fantasies.

Cameron: No. [to Bob] You can go back to taking deep breaths now.

Maria: Marriages don’t fail because couples get bored.  They fail because, while they’re dating people pretend to be the person they think their partner wants and then, well, there’s only so long you can keep that up.

Cameron: Maybe they are that person while they’re dating, but then they change.

Maria: People thinking that their partner will change, that’s another reason marriages fail.  [From inside the machine, Bob winks at Maria.  Maria winks back, badly.]  People don’t change.  Least, not in any way that really matters.

[Cut to the Ducklings entering House’s office.  They find him juggling.]

Chase: I think you’ve had enough caffeine.

Foreman: You were right, it’s not his throat, it’s his lungs.

Cameron: Plethysmograph showed decreased lung capacity –

Chase: -- and the CT showed lung scarring.  [They’re both staring and House and his juggling skills.]

Foreman: It’s definitely interstitial pulmonary fibrosis.  What’s not definite is the cause.  There’s no arthritis, no sarcoidosis, he’s not on any prescription meds, and he’s a wedding photographer, so I doubt he got exposed to coal dust or asbestos at work.

Cameron: Cause could be idiopathic.

House: Can’t be idiopathic.  Idiopathic means “without a known cause.”

Cameron: What I meant was that –

House: What you meant was you don’t know what the cause is, just say that and we can avoid this conversation.  [He stops juggling, catching the oversized tennis ball behind his back.]  No applause?  [Chase starts to move his hands, but stops.  Bwah.]  What’s his current condition?

Cameron: Stable.

House: Then we can wait.

Foreman: Wait for what?

House: For whatever you can’t figure out to cause something else.  You know it’s going to.

Foreman: It’s possible the IPF could just continue to – [All of the team’s beepers go off, and the three rush off.]

[Cut to Maria and Bob, the latter of which is doing worse.]

Maria: There’s something wrong with his skin.

Bob: Do something!

Cameron: Okay, stop scratching, we’ve gotta look at it.

Bob: I can’t.  It’s just driving me crazy!

Cameron: You’ve gotta stop scratching so we can look at it!

Bob:  Stop, stop, make it stop!  [CGI inside of his hives, which look quite nasty.

[Cut to the team, walking.]

House: Now we’ve got something to discuss.  What causes both lung scarring and the itchy, red blotches?

Chase: It’s obviously not a reaction to medication, you haven’t given him any yet.

House: Right, but what beside what’s obviously not caused both the lung scarring and the splotches?  [He heads toward the bathroom.]

Foreman: Where are you going?

House: To complete the second half of the caffeine delivery system.  Either talk loud or get in here.  [Foreman and Chase enter, Cameron decides to talk loud.]  Same color going out as going in – think that’s a marketing thing?

Foreman: Lupus could cause lung scarring and a rash.

Chase: Or it could still be a food allergy.

Foreman: We’ve already ruled out allergies.

House: Did we?  Where’s Cameron?

Foreman: We’re in the men’s room.

House: [yelling] Need an allergy expert in here!  [Cameron rolls her eyes and enters.]

Cameron: This can wait two minutes.

House: You don’t know that.  Chase thinks that food allergies should still be on the table.

Cameron: No, wouldn’t explain the lung scarring.

Chase: Some homeopathic studies have found a connection between food allergies and autoimmune reactions, which could cause lung inflammation.

Cameron: Yeah, and some homeopathic studies have also found that ground-up spiders can cure cancer.  Can I go now?

House: No.  Lungs, skin.  Skin, lungs.  Sklungs?  Lungs, skin.  Throat.  [He stares at the rust on the urinal’s plumbing.]  Heavy metal toxicity.  It explains the lungs, the itching, the swelling in the tongue and throat.

Foreman: I thought you didn’t believe there was anything wrong in his throat.

House: I never said I didn’t believe it.  I just said I had good reason to doubt it.

Chase: And now?

House: Now I have good reason to doubt those doubts.

Chase: Patient’s still a little old to be chewing paint off the wall.

Foreman: Nor does he drink well water, eat fish every day, or do anything else to expose him to heavy metals.

Cameron: He and his wife worked a wedding in Cabo San Lucas.  A lot of pottery in Mexico is contaminated with lead-based paint.

House: Now aren’t you glad you joined us?  Search their house, and screen his hair and blood for lead.  And test for mercury and arsenic while you’re at it.  Chase, find out what the resort cooks with, if they’ve repainted recently or did any plumbing repairs.

Chase: I don’t speak Spanish.

House: Then it’ll be challenging.

[Cut to House entering his apartment. The TV’s on, and Wilson is on the couch, eating.]

House: Good Lord, what is that smell?

Wilson: Stuffed pepper.

House: Stuffed with what?  Vomit?  [He opens the closet to put in his coat, and has to kick things out of the way to close it again.]  I thought you were going to a hotel.

Wilson: I found an apartment.  I can move in on Monday.  Is that fast enough for you?

House: What’s today?  Where’d you get all that stuff?

Wilson: Well, not from your kitchen.  Don’t you ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?

House: Don’t you ever eat anything that doesn’t look like it’s been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle?

Wilson: [grabbling a spoon] Try it. [House tries a tiny bite.]  It’s good, isn’t it?

House: No.  Just better than it looks.  How much beans and rice d’you think you’d have to eat from a ceramic pot painted with lead-based paint if you’ve got enough lead in your system to damage your lungs?

Wilson: Are we talking a child or an adult?

House: Adult.

Wilson: Then I’d say a lot.  You’d have to eat beans every day for months.  [Wilson flips to House’s TiVo, which has selected to tape/watch The O.C., Spongebob, Monster Truck Jam, New Yankee Workshop, and Blackadder.  Hee.]  Now, why do you have a season pass to “The New Yankee Workshop”?

House: Complete moron working with power tools – how much more suspenseful can you get?  [He grabs the remote.]

Wilson: I was watching something!

House: No, you’re about to watch something.  I’m watching something.  See the difference.

[Cut to Foreman inspecting Maria and Bob’s place.]

Maria: If the water was contaminated, wouldn’t I be sick, too?

Foreman: People can metabolize toxins at different rates.  Test it to make sure.  Have you done any recent renovations?

Maria: No.

Foreman: Have any problems with bugs or rodents?

Maria: Just the occasion ant.

Foreman: Use bug spray?

Maria: No, I hate the smell.  Luckily, both of us are pretty anal about keeping things clean.

Foreman: Yeah, I can tell.  [He sees an ant crawling across a picture.]

[Cut to House in Diagnostics, eating pancakes.]

House: You think ants are the problem?

Cameron: Can you stop stuffing your mouth with pancakes for one second?

House: These aren’t pancakes.  These are macadamia nut pancakes.  Wilson made them and they’re amazing.

Foreman: She says she doesn’t use bug spray –

House: Little silver dollar slices of heaven.

Foreman: Some ants are poisonous.  Maybe –

House: Forget the 72 virgins.  If I blow myself up in a crowded restaurant, I think I’m asking for a plate of these babies.  [Cameron has naked desire on her face.]  Was the ant small and red or big and black?

Foreman: Big and brown.

House: Halle Berry brown or Beyonce brown?

Cameron: Is there a difference?

House: [to Foreman] Is there a difference.  Army ants could devour, dissolve, eat a cow in a matter of hours.  Australian bull ants, on the other hand, are nasty little bastards, but more of a nuisance than a threat.  [Chase nods his agreement.]  No surprise there.

Foreman: Beyonce.

House: Well then, that’s not it.  How much clay did he eat at the resort?

Chase: It’s a five-star, $400 a night place, they don’t cook with ceramic pots.

House: Tox screen?

Cameron: No evidence of lead, mercury or arsenic.

House: Run them again.  Call the resort, find some disgruntled employee to talk to.  Go back to the home –

Foreman: It’s not heavy metals!

House: The symptoms say it is.

Cameron: The tests say it’s not.

House: Well, who’re you gonna believe?  The symptoms or the test?

Chase: It could also be a food allergy.

House: Cameron says it’s not.

Chase: If your tests can be wrong, why can’t hers?

Cameron: His diet hasn’t changed since he was a kid.  His favorite food is corn flakes.

Chase: Which I assume he eats with milk, one of the most common adult onset food allergies.

House: Start treating him for lead poisoning, it’s the most likely heavy metal.  And yeah, you can test him for allergies for dairy, wheat, and legume.  [The team leaves.  Chase tries to steal a pancake but House slaps his hand away.]

[Cut to Cuddy entering the clinic.  A woman approaches her.]

Mrs. Lambert: I am not having an affair with my daughter’s karate instructor and I did not give my husband herpes.

Cuddy: [to a passing nurse] Find out where House is.

[Cut to Maria and Bob.  Chase is doing scratch tests.]

Maria: If you’re convinced it’s allergies, why are you giving him drugs to treat lead poisoning?

Chase: We’re not convinced of anything, yet.

Bob: I think I need something else.  This cream isn’t working.

Chase: We’re doing everything we can.

Bob: Ow!

Chase: Sorry.

Bob: No, it’s not my back, it’s my feet!  I think I stepped in something when I went to the bathroom.  It’s on my socks, it’s burning!

Maria: I don’t see anything.

Bob: Please, take my socks off!

Chase: Wait, wait, wait, wait.  [Chase starts to remove  them]

Bob: Ow!  Stop, stop, stop!

Maria: What did you just scratch him with?

Chase: If there was an allergic reaction it would be on his back, not on his feet.

Bob: [screaming] Ah, it’s burning!  Please make it stop!

Chase: Gonna need some gabapentin in here.

[Cut to Diagonstics.]

Chase: Excruciating pain in the lower extremities.  Not a sign of a food allergy.

Foreman: Means there’s a neurological problem.

House: More significantly, it’s yet another classic sign of heavy metals.

Cameron: And I just did yet another hair and blood test for lead and everything else he possibly could have been exposed to, they’re all negative.  It’s gotta be something else.

Foreman: Lupus could cause –

House: No.  Lupus progresses slower, there’d be joint pain.

Foreman: So it’s not a typical case!  We should get an ANA –

House: It’s not lupus!  The symptoms don’t match.

Cameron: And the tests don’t match heavy metals.  [Again, all three are beeped and they rush off.  House takes a Vicodin and stares at the board.]

[Cut to Bob’s room.]

Maria: It’s happening again, he’s not breathing!

Chase: Tongue swelling, airway’s closing, he’s not getting any air.

Cameron: His lungs are clear.

Chase: We’re gonna have to intubate.  Gotta relax, Bob, this is gonna help you breathe.  [Instead of relaxing, Bob starts to vomit.]

Maria: Oh, my God!

Chase: He’s gonna aspirate, he needs suction!

Maria: What’s happening?

Foreman: Suction!

Chase: There’s too much vomit, we’re never gonna be able to intubate!  We need to trach him!

Maria: He’s not breathing!  [The team performs possibly the most disgusting tracheotomy I have ever seen.]

[Cut to the aftermath.  Cameron is getting a sample of the vomit to do testing.]

[Cut to House and Foreman in the hall.]

Foreman: His urine has elevated proteins and red blood cells.  It’s lupus-induced kidney failure.  If we don’t start treatment –

House: Heavy metal toxicity could cause vomiting.

Foreman: So would lupus nephritis!  And it also causes tissue swelling.

House: He’s choking on his tongue, not his feet.

Foreman: The cortical steroids we gave him should control the inflammation and can cause facial swelling.

House: Still not his throat, but you’re getting closer.

Foreman: I’m doing an ANA and a serum compliment.

House: If you’re so sure, why waste time with tests?  Start treatment.  Oh no, wait, you can’t do that, because we already have and it’s not working, ergo –

Foreman: Cortical steroids aren’t the only treatment for lupus nephritis!  We can also try cyclophosphamide or immunosuppressants! 

House: Only if we confirm the diagnosis with an ANA, serum compliment, anti-DNA, IV pyelogramic kidney biopsy.

Foreman: So now you suddenly believe in tests?

House: The symptoms –

Foreman: The symptoms all point to heavy metal poisoning.  Yeah, we all get it.  Unless you’ve got proof and can tell me which heavy metal it is, I’m starting treatment for lupus.

[Cut to Foreman with Maria in Bob’s room.]

Foreman: Systemic lupus erythematosus causes the immune system to become hyperactive, attack normal tissue.  It could be what caused the lung inflammation as well as the swelling in his throat, and now what appears to be damage to his kidneys.  The treatment’s usually steroids.

Maria: But he’s already on steroids.

Foreman: If the tests confirm we’re on the right track there are other medications we can try.

Maria: And if those don’t work?

Foreman: Well, lupus, it’s a chronic condition, but it’s generally controllable.

Maria: What do you mean, generally?

Foreman: In rare cases, it can cause cardiovascular or renal failure.

Maria: Cardiovascular and renal, that’s the heart and the kidneys, right?

Foreman: Yeah.

Bob: Don’t worry, it’ll be all right.

[Cut to House, eating more of Wilson’s cooking and looking at the whiteboard in his office.  Wilson enters.]

Wilson: Enjoying the salad?

House: There’s no lettuce.

Wilson: I’m aware that there’s no lettuce.  Do you know when I obtained this knowledge?

House: Actually, I’m in the middle of –

Wilson: When I made it.  For myself.

House: Well, how was I supposed to know?

Wilson: Well, I was hoping this might tip you off.  [points to cover, which has a post-it note on it that states: “MY LUNCH DO NOT TOUCH!!”]

House: That’s kind of selfish, don’t you think?

Wilson: I offered to make you some, you said no!

House: Ah, that was before I tasted the pancakes.  It’s a compliment, you should be flattered.  [Cuddy enters.]

Cuddy: Here.  [hands him a file]  It’s Mrs. Lambert’s herpes test results.

House: Mrs. who?

Cuddy: You’ve told more than one patient his wife is sleeping with his daughter’s karate teacher?  You want to stir the pot, you have to clean up the mess.

House: What would you do if you got herpes?

Cuddy: She’s coming in at 5:00, don’t make me come looking for you.

House: Actually, I’d know what you’d do.  But, I mean, a normal guy.

Cuddy: And don’t be calling in sick or saying that your team needs you for some sort of emergency consult.

House: If he suspected that his wife had also been playing the pickle games, he’d just keep it on the down-low.  Just wait ‘till she got infected.

Wilson: You’d give your own wife herpes just to shift the blame –

Cuddy: He’d give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty.  [She leaves.]

House: Of course, maybe it was the wife.  Maybe she was the one who – [And with the Music of Epiphany, House has figured something out about the Patient of the Week.]

[Cut to the MRI.]

House: Where’s Mrs. Nympho?

Cameron: She’s waiting outside, why?

House: Go search her.

Cameron: Why, you need her medical records?

House: If I’d meant that, good chance I’d’ve said that.

Cameron: You think she’s poisoning him?

House: His symptoms should be getting better the longer he’s here, instead they’re getting worse.

Cameron: So either she’s poisoning him, or it’s not heavy metals.  We’ve done over ten heavy metal tox screens –

House: Because there’s no reason to test for the other thirty.  They don’t get into the air or food, they only get there if someone puts them in you.  The only way we’re going to find out what she’s been sprinkling on his corn flakes is to search her.

Cameron: I am not going to accuse a woman of trying to murder her husband simply based on some paranoid theory.

House: It’s the only explanation.  We’ve eliminated every other possibility.

Cameron: We have not eliminated every other possibility!

House: Has he responded to the latest lupus treatment?

Cameron: He’s only been on it for a few hours.

House: He hasn’t responded because it’s not lupus!  It’s not allergies, ALS, arthritis or sarcoidosis.  She’s all that’s left.

[Cut to House going to see Maria in the waiting room.]

House: Hi, I’m Dr. House.  Mind if I take a look in your purse?

Maria: Why?

House: Because I’m going to need to search it and you for whatever you’re using to poison your husband.

Maria: Why would I want to hurt my husband?

House: Then you won’t mind if I search your things.

Maria: Go ahead.  [He looks through her bag.]  You satisfied?

[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

Cuddy: Absolutely not.

House: She agreed to let me search everywhere else, but this she says no to.  Doesn’t that tell you something?

Cuddy: Yes, that she doesn’t want some lunatic doctor searching her vagina with a flashlight.

House: Cameron can do that.

Cameron: I am not going to –

House: The woman hasn’t left the hospital since they arrived.  Whatever she’s using she’s obviously hiding somewhere.

Cameron: She’s not poisoning him!

House: It’s the only explanation!

Cameron: No, it’s the only explanation your twisted mind can come up with because you’re angry that you can’t find the answer and you’re taking it out on her!

House: And you are protecting a complete stranger based on some childishly romantic notion that people are all so happily married they don’t want to kill each other!

Cameron: Are you calling my childish?

House: Grow up.

Cuddy: Shut up.  Both of you.  And stay away from his wife.  Sorry, I’m not giving you permission to assault someone.

[Cut to Foreman, Cameron, Maria and Bob walking down the hall (well, Bob is being wheeled.  House is watching them from the nurses’ station.  Wilson sees him staring.]

Wilson: Let’s see… I’m thinking Colonel Mustard, in the music room, with the candlestick.

House: There’s no music room, it’s the conservatory.

Wilson: Same thing.

House: No, it isn’t.  If we don’t find out what she’s using, start treatment, she’ll be dead in a week.

Wilson: If you’re right.  If Foreman’s right, you’d have basically raped an innocent woman. [sighs]  My wife fired the maid.  Apparently she’s getting rid of anything that reminds her of me.

House: You did your maid?

Wilson: I was nice to our maid, which annoyed her, God knows why.

House: Maybe she was doing her.

Wilson: No one was doing her, all right?

House: But you still feel responsible.  Even though nothing or no one was done, it’s still your fault.

Wilson: I offered to keep paying her salary until she found another job, but she refused to take any money without doing any work, so…. If you want someone to clean your apartment, it’s on me.

House: You’re supposed to be moving out, not moving more people in.

Wilson: She’s not moving in, she’s gonna clean!

House: Maybe I should just move out, and the two of you could –

Maria: [from Bob’s room] Oh, God! [Beeping is heard.]  Oh, God, no!

Foreman: Call the code!  [Wilson and House look on.] Charging 360, give him epi!  Clear!

Cameron: Still no pulse.

Foreman: Charging!  Clear!

Cameron: I got a pulse.  Pupils are reactive.  You still with us?

Foreman: He was without oxygen for less than a minute, can’t be hypoxia.  Could be a stroke.

Maria: Can you hear me?

Foreman: Back up.

Maria: Bob, talk to me!  Bob!  Honey, please! [Bob catches his breath.]

Cameron: Bob, can you hear me? [He nods.]

Maria: He’s awake!

Cameron: Can you hear me?

Maria: Honey?  Hi.

Wilson: Yes, she is quite the little actress.

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

House: So, let’s say she’s not poisoning him.

Foreman: There’s nothing more to discuss.  We’ve got lung and kidney failure, neurological symptoms, and now cardiac arrest.  A systemic disease with multi-organ involvement is the definition of lupus.

Cameron: Auto-immunosuppressant aren’t helping.

Chase: We should start him on cyclophosphamide, see if it makes a difference.

House: Yeah, and interferon.

Foreman: Interferon isn’t an approved treatment for lupus.

Cameron: You’re not still thinking –

Chase: Interferon isn’t an approved treatment for heavy metal toxicity, either.

House: True.  But it’s pretty much the only thing we can do for a viral infection.  We didn’t consider it because it doesn’t –

Foreman: Because it doesn’t make sense!  There’s no fever!

House: Because he’s got no immune system, thanks to the immunosuppressant you prescribed him for lupus treatment.

Cameron: He didn’t present with a fever, either.

House: Because at that point he was a post-viral autoimmune reaction, which again, thanks to the immunosuppressant you prescribed for lupus treatment, his immune system basically rolled out the red carpet for the dormant virus, waking it up, turning it into a present viral infection.  Give him interferon.

Foreman: But if it is lupus, interferon could make it worse.  Suppress his bone marrow even further.

House: Which is more likely, a rapidly progressing, acute onset lupus in a patient who’s already on steroids or a team of doctors missing a post-viral reaction? 

Foreman: We didn’t miss anything.

House: Well, then, I’m wrong, and she shouldn’t.  Give him interferon!

[Cut to Foreman talking to Maria.]

Foreman: Intravenous interferon has been shown to be effective against some viral infections.

Maria: But I thought you said it wasn’t an infection.  You said it was lupus!

Foreman: The increasingly rapid progression of the symptoms has caused us to reconsider.

Maria: And what if you’re wrong here, too?  What if it’s not a virus?

Foreman: There are risks with interferon, especially in a patient who’s already immunosuppressed. [to Bob]  Look, at this point your lungs, kidneys and heart are all failing.  We really don’t have any choice.  [Bob nods.]

[Cut scenes of Bob and the IV, and Maria sitting next to next to him.]

Bob: I cheated.

Maria: What?

Bob: 9^th grade.  Earth science.  Mr. Foley.  I sat behind you so I could cheat off of you.

Maria: And I let you cheat so you’d sit behind me.

Bob: I thought we were gonna grow old together.

Maria: In 9^th grade?

Bob: No, 10^th.

Maria: What, you had to make sure I put out first?

Bob: No, I knew you put out in the 7^th grade.  I love you.

Maria: Yeah, I know.

Bob: Say you love me.

Maria: No.

Bob: Why not?

Maria: Because you’re not dying.

Bob: Say it anyway.  You gonna make me hurt you?

Maria: I love you.  [The camera pulls back to show Cameron watching.]

[Cut to the hallway.]

Foreman: It’s not working.  Both his lungs and his kidneys are continuing to deteroriate.

House: Up the dose.

Foreman: We already have.

House: Apparently not enough.

Foreman: I don’t think it’s a virus.  We’ve been running titers for everything we could think of, they’re all negative.  [House’s beeper beeps.]

House: Increase the interferon.

Foreman: House –

House: You got a better idea, other than lupus?

Foreman: No.

House: Then up the dose.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

Cuddy: Mr. and Mrs. Lambert’s office was over an hour ago.

House: Sorry, I was sick.  And my team needed an emergency consult.  Your wife has herpes.

Mrs. Lambert: What?  That’s impossible.  I don’t have any –

House: You haven’t had an outbreak.  Yet.  Don’t worry, you will.

Mrs. Lambert: You ruddy jackass!

Mr. Lambert: Me?  But I haven’t been with anyone else in 20 years!

Mrs. Lambert: But you’re the one with blisters on his –

House: Doesn’t mean he got it first.  You don’t need to have an outbreak to spread the virus.

Mr. Lambert: Yeah, and you’re the one talking about always wanting more sex!

Mrs. Lambert: From you!  And maybe I’d actually get more if you weren’t getting it somewhere else!

House: Well, you two obviously have a lot to talk about.

Cuddy: Don’t even think about dumping this on my lap.

Mrs. Lambert: There’s got to be some way to prove that it’s him.

Cuddy: I’m sorry, there is no test –

House: Either of you two ever sit on a public toilet?  Well?

Mr. Lambert: Of course.

House: Herpes can live for short periods of time outside the body.

Cuddy: Dr. House, you know you can’t get herpes from –

House: Some politically correct doctors will tell you that it’s impossible to get infected by a toilet seat, but they’ll also tell you not to use the same bath towel to wipe your crotch and your face during an outbreak.  See the contradiction?

Mrs. Lambert: I always use a paper cover.

House: Always?

Mrs. Lambert: Yes, of course.

House: What about you?

Mr. Lambert: No.  I never knew.

Mrs. Lambert: Oh, please, this is ridiculous.

House: Damn, I was sure it was Miyagi.

Mrs. Lambert: What?

House: He could believe that you could get herpes from a toilet seat, or he could be cheating on you and be happy to have an out.

Mr. Lambert: The toilet seat makes sense, doesn’t it?

House: Sure, but she’d only refuse to believe such a well presented lie if she were innocent.  And since you both can’t be innocent, you ruddy jackass.

Mrs. Lambert: You… [She takes off her wedding ring and drops it on the floor.]

Mr. Lambert: Thanks a lot.

House: My pleasure.

Mr. Lambert: Honey?  Wait, please!  [They leave, running.]

Cuddy: Wow.  Not bad.  [House looks at the ring, and the Music of Epiphany hits again.]

[Cut to House leaving, and talking on his cell.]

House: She has a family history of arthritis, doesn’t she?

Cameron: [on the other end] Yeah, she does.  What does –

House: Stop the interferon.  Do another heavy metal screen, only this time test for gold.

Cameron: You don’t still think that she –

House: And don’t let her go to the bathroom!

Cameron: Why would you care if she – hello?

[Cut to Cameron whispering something to Foreman.]

[Cut to House on his motorcycle, speeding home.]

[Cut to Chase, printing out test results.  He passes them to Foreman, who looks surprised.]

[Cut to House, who rushes in, startling the maid.]

House: Ho!

Lady: Hi, I’m Lady.

House: What did you do to my closet?

Lady: Uh, I cleaned it.  Dr. Wilson said that I could go ahead and –

House: It’s not Dr. Wilson’s closet! [And all the slashers go hee!] Where’s the wood box?

Lady: Wood box?

House: Yes, the wood box.  It’s made of wood, and it’s box-shaped.  It’s been in the back of this closet since the day I moved in.

Lady: I didn’t see any kind of –

House: Well, you may not have seen it, but you’ve obviously moved it.  The question is, where?

Lady: Well, I did not move anything, I just left the –

House: Look, it was in this closet, then you came, now it’s not in this closet!

Lady: Okay, what type of box is it?

House: Wood!  Wood!  It’s a brown, wood box, it’s got a metal handle, it looks like a tackle or a toolbox –

Lady: Ah, you mean the chest!  The one that’s under the bed?

[Cut to House finding his box under the bed.  He quickly opens it and pawns through the numerous small bottles inside.]

Lady: Do you need to fix something?

House: [pocketing the desired bottle] Um, thanks.

[Cut to Maria, who just wants to go to the bathroom.]

Maria: Fine, then I’ll go to one on another floor.

Cameron: Actually, they’re not working there, either.

Maria: Every bathroom in the whole hospital is out of order?

Cameron: Well, there, um, the water –

Maria: I’m going to the bathroom.

[Cut to House, looking for Maria.]

House: Where is she?

Cameron: She had to go to the bathroom.

House: I told you not to let her.

Cameron: What was I supposed to do?  Tie her up?

House: Why not, she likes that.  [He tosses his cane to Chase and works on opening the bottle while walking to the bathroom.]

[Cut to the ladies’ room.]

Maria: What are you doing?  [House grabs her hand.] Uh, your hand is wet.

House: Sorry, must be nervous.  I got some bad news.

Maria: What?

House: The damage to your husband’s lungs is permanent.  Kidney damage is reversible and with the right therapy he should regain full neurological function.  Other than the fact that he’s not going to be running any marathons, he’s going to be fine.

Maria: But that’s good news, isn’t it?

House: I’m not finished.  When I was a kid, my dad was stationed at a marine base in Egypt.  We were in the middle of nowhere and there was absolutely nothing for a kid to do except look for a mummy’s tomb.

Maria: You didn’t want me to go to the bathroom because you wanted to tell me my husband is going to be fine and that you used to live in Egypt?

House: I didn’t have a problem with you going to the bathroom.  I just didn’t want you to wash your hands.  I never actually did find a mummy, but I did learn a fair amount about the ancient Egyptians.  For example, they discovered that stanis chloride is not only great for toughening ruby glass, but if it’s mixed with gold, it turns bright purple.  [He turns over Maria’s hand, which is turning purple.]  Now, either your fingers are actually worth their weight in gold, or you’ve been sprinkling your husband’s cereal with gold sodium thiomalate.  It’s an arthritis remedy that’s rarely used here in the US, but it’s still popular in Mexico.  I’ve gotta give you props.  I’ve never heard of anyone using gold before.  It’s almost… poetic.

Maria: It’s ridiculous.

Chase: Heavy metal tox screen for gold was off the chart.

Maria: Why would I –

House: If you were trying to kill him, I’d love to know the why behind that why.  But you’re not going to tell me, are you?

Maria: You’re wrong.  I love Bob.

House: I never said you didn’t love him.

[Cut to the hallway.]

Cameron: Why would somebody do that?  Sit by somebody’s beside day and night, helping them, comforting them, and at the same time killing them?

Foreman: Maybe he was having an affair?

Chase: Maybe she was having an affair.

House: Or maybe she just gets her kicks slowly sucking the life out of a guy and watching him suffer.

Foreman: He must have done something to her.

House: Yeah, he had it coming.

Foreman: I didn’t he deserved it.

Chase: The only thing he did wrong was marry a sociopath.

House: Or maybe she just got tired of being married.  Didn’t want to admit to family and friends that the marriage that everyone thought was perfect wasn’t.

Foreman: Shouldn’t one of us stay with her?  If she tries to run –

House: Yeah, Cameron, go back there.  Well, it would be weird if we were all in the ladies’ room.  [House leaves in the elevator.]

[Cut to the front door.  Maria is led away in handcuffs as Cuddy and Cameron watch.]

[Cut to House, staring at the whiteboard.]

Cameron: We started chelation therapy with dimercaprol.

House: Thrilled to hear it.

Cameron: His kidney function hasn’t improved.

House: It will.

Cameron: He’s gonna need a lung transplant.

House: He’s becoming more attractive by the minute, isn’t he?

Cameron: You’re pleased.  You think you’ve proved every marriage is a mistake

House: Do I look pleased?  [Cameron walks over to him, pulls a $20 from her waistband and hands it to him.]

Cameron: Ignorance is bliss.

[Closing montage – to “Love and Happiness,” no less.  Foreman and Chase are walking around the hospital, and talking to Bob, who gives them universal look of, “No, seriously?  Whoa..”.  House is driving home.  He gets to his apartment and looks in the fridge, of course picking the piece of food that says: “PROPERTY OF JAMES WILSON TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!”  He starts to listen to his voice mail.]

Answering machine: You have one new message.

Message: Hi, this is Blake Hansen, calling for Dr. Wilson. Uh, I got a better offer for the apartment.  Now, I know I offered it to you already, so if you match the offer you can still have the place.  Make sure you call me first thing in the morning and let me know.  Otherwise, well, you’ve got my number.  [House looks at Wilson sleeping on the couch and deletes the message. ASDFJ#W(@O(C.]

END