Alex: Ugh. I think I’m gonna puke.

Austin: Not on this dress.

Alex: I’m serious.

Austin: Kate Moss was doing this at 13 you have 2 years on her. (She smiles.) Yeah, that’s what I like to see. You got this. Next show, you’re bride.

Dad: Did Austin just offer you bride?

Alex: It wasn’t a real offer daddy he was just being nice. These shoes are gonna be impossible to walk in.

Dad: You’ve done this a hundred times before all right. The runway is just a little bit longer here.

Alex: One of the girls said Madonna’s in the front row.

Dad: Sweetie, sweetie, hey. Come on. Are you going to be able to do this? All right. Come here, come here. (He leads her behind a rack of clothes.) Here, hold this. (He hands her his glass of champagne.) The doctor gave me these for anxiety, all right. It’ll calm you down. Here. Come on its okay. (He hands her a pill.)

Austin: Where’s Alex? Alex you’re up. (She takes the pill with the champagne.)

Dad: Go, go, go; knock them out.

(She walks the runway but something is wrong. She stumbles, drops the hideous coat. Her vision is blurry, she blinks like she’s stoned as flash bulbs go off all over the place.)

Model: Are you okay? (Alex hits her with a wicked right hook, knocking her off the runway and into the crowd. Must have thought dad meant it literally.)

Dad: Alex!

(She stumbles and falls onto the runway amid a flurry of camera flashes close on her staring straight up, eyes wide open.)

Opening Credits (Massive Attack!!)

(Ryan Adams ‘Desire’ plays as the camera pans from rain falling on the window to the clock; it flips to 9:19 am and the alarm goes off. House is lying in bed, fumbles with the clock to turn off the alarm, throws off the covers and massages his leg. He sits up gingerly, obviously in pain and stumbles and falls back when he tries to stand. He massages the leg some more while sitting on the edge of bed.)

Clinic Area

Wilson: How’d you get here?

House: By osmosis.

Wilson: No helmet?

House: Didn’t seem like riding weather.

Wilson: And the fact that you can barely stand upright had nothing to do with it?

House: Infarctions hurt that’s what they do.

Cuddy: (She tries to hand him a file as they walk past.) House. (He ignores her.)

Wilson: Worsening pain could actually be a good thing, means the nerves might be regenerating.

House: Could be good, could be bad. Thanks for the differential. Any other options?

Wilson: Have you ever considered a career as a motivational speaker? Why don’t you check out some rehab?

House: I did the rehab thing.

Wilson: One session and you didn’t even finish that session.

House: The guy wanted me to visualize the healing. (e opens his pills.) I can do that at home.

Wilson: At least let me get you an MRI.

House: It’s a very simple equation; more pain, more pills. (He takes a pill.)

Cuddy: Teenage super model. Presented with double vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataple--

House: You had me at teenage supermodel. (He enters the elevator.)

Alex’s Room

Dad: You okay? (She nods, House enters.)

House: Wow you should be a model. Are you really 15?

Dad: Who are you?

House: I’ll be the one saving her life today; assuming she’s dying. Who are you?

Alex: He’s my father.

Dad: Any idea what’s wrong with her?

House: From the looks of it, not a single thing. I probably should stop staring and check out the file. So what set off the brawl? She stand in your light?

Alex: I didn’t even know her. I didn’t know what happened.

Dad: Look I know some models are notorious for hissy fits, but Alex, I’ve never even seen her get angry. Even when she was a kid she was--

House: I’m sure she was delightful in her youth. And then you passed out.

Alex: I was passed out but I wasn’t. I... I knew what was going on but I couldn’t move or talk.

House: Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It’s called cataplexy; cat fight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool. How much were you drinking?

Dad: She only had one sip of champagne. (House rolls his eyes.)

House: Forget it. We’ll find out from the tox screen.

Dad: All right, look, I gave her a valium. You think that’s what did this?

House: No. How long have you had the sweats?

Alex: A couple of days.

House: Any other complaints?

Alex: Uh, my stomachs been bothering me, and I’ve been feeling a little nauseous.

House: Okay. Here’s how this works; my lackeys will be by shortly to draw some blood, collect some urine, any other fluids you’ve got, they’ll do some other doctorly stuff and we’ll be in touch. (He walks out into the hall where Cameron is waiting.)

Cameron: Since when do you voluntarily go see patients?

House: Have you seen her?

Cameron: She’s fifteen.

House: Yeah, but there’s something about her. Something in her eyes, a kind maturity.

Cameron: Yeah, yeah, she’s an old soul. This is creepy even for you.

House: She’s a fashion model, on the cover of magazines. They hold her up as a sexual ideal; the law says we can’t touch her for three more years. How hypocritical is that?

Cameron: Did the history reveal anything, oh I don’t know, medically relevant.

House: History. Right, knew I was forgetting something. You should do one of those while you’re writing the labs and the tox screen. (He hands her the file.)

Conference Room

(House is rubbing his leg under the table.)

Cameron: Labs show valium and heroin in her urine.

Chase: A super model on smack, shocker.

House; Oh Alex, I expected so much more from you. Heroine chic is so five years ago.

Foreman: Okay, let’s start crossing out withdrawal symptoms. (He goes over to the whiteboard.)

Cameron: A positive test means she tried it once. Doesn’t mean she’s an addict. She’s only fifteen.

Foreman: There’s no age limit on addiction.

House: He’s right.

Chase: She’s never menstruated. Sounds like a symptom of drug addiction to me.

Cameron: Or bulimia, or her age. Some girls don’t start till their mid to late teens.

House: Evidence to the contrary; the rounded hips, the perfectly sculpted bountiful breasts.

Chase: Implants. I’ve seen some of her photos. They’ve grow dramatically since last summer.

House: Symptomatic of turning fourteen. Two clinic hours says that those love apples were hand crafted by God. (Foreman scoffs.)

Foreman: I thought you didn’t believe in God.

House: I do now.

Chase: You’re on.

Cameron: Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?

House: Could be relevant. Come on Cameron, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, many women develop breasts -- (He gets up while he’s talking and stumbles, they all look at him.) No, I’m fine.

Cameron: Even if she is an addict a lot of her symptoms, the cataplexy, the violence, they could be neurological. We chalk this up to drugs we could be releasing her with juvenile MS, or Parkinson’s --

House: Detox her.

Foreman: Fine. We’ll set her up on a program; they’ll wean her onto the methadone.

House: And in four weeks we’ll know you’re right. Or we’ll know that Cameron’s right and the pretty girl will do Milan next fall in a wheelchair. Put her in a coma, pump her full of naltrexone.  Cut the four weeks to one night.

Hallway Outside Alex’s Room.

Foreman: Lab reports show that your daughter had heroine in her system. Were you aware of her drug use?

Dad: No.

Foreman: We think she’s suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Detoxing generally takes several weeks; the danger is that if the drugs are masking some other illness it could worsen before we’ve weaned her off the heroine.

Dad: Well, how much worse?

Foreman: We don’t know, because we don’t know what’s wrong. There is a rapid detox procedure. We flush her system with an opioid antagonist. It’ll end her addiction over night. But the process is dangerous, because we have to induce a coma. It also means that if she ever relapses there’s a good chance she’ll overdose, because her body won’t react to the drug.

Dad: So either way, I’m… I’m risking her life. Do you have to tell her how dangerous it is?

Alex’s Room

(Dad watches through the window.)

Alex: Is it dangerous?

Foreman: There are certain risks; we’ve gone over them with your father.

Alex: And he’s not worried?

Foreman; He’s your dad. He’s always gonna worry, but he knows we’re going to take good care of you.

Alex: Oh, everything’s starting to hurt. My legs--

Chase: Heroine withdrawal is an extremely painful process but we’re going to put you to sleep. You won’t feel a thing.

Alex: Promise?

Chase: I promise.

Alex: It was a pretty stupid thing to do, huh.

Chase: Getting hooked on drugs? Yeah not the best move you’ve ever made.

Alex: I just, I thought it would be fun.

Chase: You don’t have to explain to us.

Alex: A lot of the other girls were--

Chase: When you wake up, you’ll feel a lot better.

(Dad watches from the observation window while she sleeps; suddenly her heart rate goes crazy and then she flat lines.)

Dad: Nurse! Nurse!

Commercial Break: Buy things!

Hallway Outside Alex’s Room

Dad: You son of a bitch you killed her.

House: She’s not dead.

Dad: She had a heart attack!

Foreman: She’s stable now. The anesthesia…

Dad: Get her out of that coma.

House: I don’t think so. (He starts to walk away.)

Dad: Stop this. Alright, I… I don’t consent anymore. I want to do the slow detox.

House: (He stops and faces the father.) Did you ever get a paper cut? A really nasty one, between the fingers? Multiply that by about a billion and you just barely approach the kind of suffering she’ll experience if we wake her up now. We’re committed to this. She’s out till morning go get a book. (He walks away.)

In the clinic

George: I haven’t slept in weeks, because my teeth hurt. Dentist couldn’t find any cavities. And I’m getting these headaches.

House: Oh, poor you. (He pulls out his pills.)

George: I think I’m going crazy. And my stomach, I roll out of bed and I want to puke.

House: I take it you’re married. (He takes a pill.)

George: You must be psychic. (He holds up his left hand with wedding ring clearly visible.)

House: You must be witty. When’s she due?

George: How’d you know she was--

House: Because I’m doing her. You’ve got couvades syndrome; which is just a fancy way of saying you should stop whining. Millions of women have got the same thing, they’re not bugging me. You’re suffering from sympathetic pregnancy. Gotta go. People dying. Whole circle of life thing. (He gets up to leave.)

George: It’s all in my head?

House: No, it’s all in your hormones. Good news is no ones gonna lecture you if you smoke and get drunk.

Alex’s Room

Dad: Shouldn’t she be awake by now?

Chase: It’s only been a half an hours since we stopped the medicine.

Dad: Well, you said that’s how long it would take.

Chase: I said it would take about a half an hour.

Dad: Couldn’t this mean something more?

Chase: So far it means nothing.

Dad: She had a heart attack. She could have brain damage. She cold have something more…

Chase: She’s opening her eyes. Alex are you okay? Can you hear me?

Alex: Huh. I got the cute doctor.

Chase: Heh. (He smiles.) Do you feel any pain? (She shakes her head.) Good let us know if anything changes; if your stomach doesn’t feel right, anything. (He moves away.)

Alex: Are you mad at me daddy? I let you down.

Dad: No, no, not at all sweetie.

Alex: I should have been more mature. I should have handled the pressure.

Dad: Stop, stop. We’re going to get you better, all right. Nothing else matters.

Chase: Excuse me. We’ve got you on what we call a banana bag; vitamins, nutrients.

Alex: I got the cute doctor. Are you mad at me daddy? I let you down.

Dad: What’s going on?

Alex: I should have been more mature. I should have handled the pressure.

Dad: What’s wrong with her?

Foreman: Anterograde amnesia, short term memory loss, evidence of a hypoxic brain injury; might be the result of getting cut off from the oxygen when she flat lined. Probably the result of that rapid detox you told us to push on her. You gonna put that down? (House puts down his ‘Celeb’ magazine and inhales, holds his breath.) You gonna sulk? (House shakes his head.) I’m not gonna indulge you. (House checks his watch.) Treatment for hypoxic brain injuries consist of… (House exhales.)

House: Cameron, Chase and the dark one; Foreman, right? Patient flat lined for like 30 seconds, got to be oxygen deprived for longer than that to lose brain function.

Cameron: We can’t be sure how long she was--

House: Her brain’s fine.

Foreman: Memory loss. You’re saying that’s not a neurological symptom?

House: No. I’m saying what I’m saying. Her brain’s fine.

Chase: She’s faking?

House: She’s got post traumatic stress disorder.

Chase: We got models fighting in Iraq now?

House: Show me a woman on heroine who looks like that (He hold up a magazine picture of Alex.) and I’ll show you a woman who’s been sexually abused.

Cameron: That’s your proof? That she’s good looking? He manages her career, travels the world with her, at her side 24/7; he’s either a very good dad or a very bad dad. You saw that touckhus, would the fact that she’s your daughter really stop you?

Chase: (Scoffing.) Oh.

House: Her brain is running away from reality.  When the drugs can’t do it anymore it starts to shut down.

Foreman: Your theory has the advantages of being completely unprovable and completely exculpating you.

House: When you guys are done talking do an MRI and an LP; when her brain checks out as normal then we’ll know that daddy really, really loves her.

Clinic

Cuddy: Where’s House?

Nurse: Said he was in too much pain to work.

Cuddy: Who’s covering?

Nurse: He called 15 minutes after his shift started, too late to find anybody. (The nurse hands Cuddy a file.) Exam room 1.

Exam Room 1

Cuddy: Hi

George: Where’s doctor House?

Cuddy: Wish I knew. What’s the problem?

George: It’s personal.

Cuddy: And its so personal he didn’t bother writing anything in your chart.

George: It’s getting worse.

Cuddy: What is?

George: It’s personal.

Cuddy: Fine. You can wait.

George: Doctor. (He opens his shirt… he’s got breasts.)

Cuddy: I’ll tell you what. I am gonna give you Dr. House’s personal pager number.

Walk & Talk

Foreman: Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?

House: I had a funny uncle.

Foreman: You were abused?

House; What? No. Why would your mind go to that so fast I just had a funny uncle; great stories, always filthy.

Foreman: I don’t know if it has something to do with this case or if you have something personal going on. The whole break up thing--

House: It’s personal.

Foreman: House. Your pain is affecting your decision making.

House: You got a problem with a call I make, question the call don’t make it personal.

Foreman: Are you saying pain can’t affect your mood? If I’m right about the pain you’re going to want to rush everything; which is what you’re doing. Don’t.

House: (House looks like it may have made an impact.) Thank you. Are you doing your daughter?

Dad: What?

House: We should probably talk privately huh, come on, walk with me. (Foreman shakes his head.)

Dad: I’m not.

House: He’s not. Sure he’s not. She is a babe though.

MRI Lab

(Alex’s toes are twitching.)

Chase: We’re gonna need you to keep still.

Alex: (Her toes are still wiggling.) I am.

Cameron: What do you think that means?

Chase: It’s either neurological or psychological. The only thing we know for sure is that it’s gonna screw up the MRI results which is gonna make House think he’s right.

Cameron: This is a waste of time let’s just get the LP.

In a Bathroom

Dad: I should take your head off. (House checks the dad’s glands.)

House: Your glands are fine. So now you’re my patient. You’ve got doctor-patient confidentiality, no worries. So what did you do to her?

Dad: How could you possibly think?

House: Hard to imagine anyone not wanting to nail her.

Dad: You son of a--

House: It’s a compliment. The heart shaped ass, those perfect perky all natural breasts.

Dad: That is my daughter you’re talking about.

House: No, that’s your daughter you were talking about. (House opens his magazine.) ‘She just instinctively knows how to walk. Designers just love that heart shaped ass, those perfect perky--’

Dad: I’m her manager I have to promote her.

House: Oh, that makes sense. So you compartmentalize. When you’re dealing with the press you’re her manager. When you’re helping with homework you’re her dad. When you’re making sweet, sweet love you’re her manager.

Dad: All right. (He starts to leave.)

House: Do you love her?

Dad: I never touched her.

House: Do you lover her?

Dad: What are you doing? Trying to trap me into saying--

House: Do you love her enough to admit that you slept with her? Psychological conditions can manifest themselves in physical problems. Sometimes these can be extreme enough to kill. There are treatments, but only if there’s a diagnosis. Are you going to admit that you slept with your daughter or are you just gonna let her die?

Dad: One time. (House throws the magazine in the trash and walks out.)

In the Lab

House: PTSD. Get her a psych referral and pack her bags. He did her.

Cameron: Don’t think so.

House: Daddy thinks so. Could be mistaken, said he was drunk, could be some other daughter.

Chase: Elevated proteins in her CSF. (He hands House the test results.)

Foreman: You’re wrong about PTSD, and I was wrong about the hypoxic brain injury. Daddy didn’t do this to her and neither did we.

Commercial Break: Buy Stuff!!

Cameron: We have to call child protective services.

House: Doctor-patient confidentiality.

Cameron: Doesn’t apply in abuse cases, you know that. We’re mandated to report sexual abuse.

House: Is it okay if I save her life first or do you want to make sure daddy doesn’t get visitation rights to the grave site?

Foreman: Okay elevated proteins in her CSF could mean dozens of different things, viral encephalitis, CNSV.

Chase: Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.

Cameron: So we’re just gonna leave a child molester in the same room as his victim?

House: It’s got windows. (She glares at him.) Fine, arrest him. Use Cuddy’s handcuffs.

Cameron: If you’re too distracted to deal with this because your leg hurts.

House: (Loud and angrily.) Yeah, I’m distracted. I’m all hung up on this fifteen year old patient who’s cataplectic, can’t remember what she had for lunch and is rapidly losing control of her body. And I want her father here in case they’ve got any more secrets that I need to know about. Now, if you’re not too distracted go take out a piece of her brain and stick it under a microscope. (He sees Wilson out in the hall.) Wilson! (Wilson stops and waits.)

Foreman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you really think we need to jump straight to brain biopsy?

House: No, lets keep playing pin the diagnosis on the supermodel until she’s dead. (House joins Wilson in the hallway.)

Wilson: Heard you killed your supermodel.

House: Only for a minute.

Wilson: Just for my own clarity. How many more patients do you have to kill before you admit this leg thing just might be a problem?

House: Three. I need your help.

Foreman: We’re gonna do something called a burr hole biopsy. We drill a small opening in the back of your skull--

Dad: Doctor, maybe you and I should talk about this first.

Foreman: No.

Dad: I just think Alex doesn’t need to be overwhelmed right now.

Foreman: I think she should have a say in what happens to her body. (She looks from one to the other and twitches.) We’re gonna remove a small piece of brain tissue.

Alex: Do… do you have to shave my hair?

Foreman: Hair grows back.

Alex: Guess I won’t remember anyways.

Foreman: There’s a good chance the amnesia’s only temporary. (She twitches.)

Alex: Okay

Procedure Room

Drill thingy whirs, Foreman watches them use a big needle to take a sample; um, yuck, but not as yuck as the maggots.

Cuddy’s Office

Cuddy: Find a way to kick up the contribution. (She hangs up the phone when Cameron enters.) What did House do now?

MRI Lab

(MRI machine clicking, House is inside.)

Wilson (as God): House this is God.

House: Look, I’m a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?

Wilson (as God): Let me check; aw, I got a plague. What about Friday?

House: (Smiling.) You’ll have to check with Cameron.

Wilson (as God): Oh, damn it. She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I’m gonna come up with a new answer this time.

Cuddy: (Enters the MRI Lab.) House.

House: Quick, God, smite the evil witch! (Wilson wisely says nothing.)

Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?

House: God, why have you forsaken me?

Cuddy: Don’t worry. I have contacted child services for you. I let you get away with more than anyone in this hospital. Shielding a child abuser isn’t covered. (Inside the MRI machine he mimics her.) Cooperate with this investigation or Ill fire you.

Conference Room

Chase: What do you think House is gonna do to you?

Cameron: No idea.

Foreman: Well, you did the right thing. If you hadn’t gone to Cuddy I would have.

Chase: If this guy’d known we’d have to report him he’d never have told House the truth.

Cameron: She’s a child, she needs to be protected.

Chase: She dropped out of high school to make millions of dollars. Why does she need more protection than some crack whore shivering in the clinic waiting room?

Forman: I think you’re just afraid to piss House off.

Chase: There’s that too.

Walk & Talk

Wilson: MRI looks exactly the same as it did two years ago. Nerves don’t seem to be regenerating.

House: I figured as much.

Wilson: Several researchers have proven that psychological pain can manifest as physical pain.

House: You think I have a conversion disorder? You want me to see a shrink.

Wilson: Brilliant idea, sending Stacey away, it’s really done wonders for you.

House: Listen none of this has anything to do with Stacey.

Wilson: Right; giant coincidence that you’ve gone completely off the rails since she left; inducing migraines, worsening leg pain-- (House whacks him with his cane.) Ow!

House: Aw. You miss Stacey too?

Conference Room

Chase: Brain biopsy shows no white matter disease.

House: Cameron, you going to tell Cuddy or has she already got you wired for sound?

Cameron: I had to do what I thought was right.

House: So white is out, that just leaves grey.

Foreman: Neuronal ceroid lipofuscinosis, Heller syndrome.

Chase: Any one of the mitochondrial encephalopathies.

Cameron: Am I in trouble? (Is this the same person who was accusing him of being distracted not three scenes ago.)

House: You had to do what you thought was right. They call it grey area because you never really know what’s there. We can’t test for any of those things.

Cameron: So I’m not in trouble. (Focus!)

House: You can torture yourself all you want. What if everything we’re seeing, is just smoke signals.

Chase: Okay. Who’s sending them?

House: Tumor. If she has cancer anywhere in her body, she could also have paraneoplastic syndrome which could be causing antibodies to attack her brain. Antibodies are stupid that way.

Foreman: Paraneoplastic syndrome is awfully rare in a fifteen year old.

House: Fifteen year olds who look like that are awfully rare. It would explain the aggressive behavior, the cataplexy, the memory loss, even the twitching. It’s perfect.

Cameron: What if it’s not? We could waste weeks searching for a tumor that we don’t even know is there.

House: Then let’s make sure it is there.

Foreman: There’s no test for paraneoplastic syndrome.

House: Sure there is, the squeeze the tube test.

Alex’s Room

Dad: What did the biopsy tell you?

Foreman: It wasn’t definitive.

House: But the twitching should stop right about now. (The twitching stops.)

Alex: Oh my god.

House: Could’ve just been a coincidence. Twitching does tend to stop and start. Let’s be sure. (He squeezes the tube and she twitches.) The IVIG vacuums her blood neutralizes the stuff that’s making her twitch. It’s actually kind of cool. (He does it again.) I wonder if could make you dance.

Foreman: Enough.

Dad: This is unbelievable. You did it. You fixed her.

House: No, all I did was prove that she has cancer.

House: I need a favor.

Cuddy: I’m not in a giving mood.

House: It’ll help us both. I need a shot of morphine in my spine.

Cuddy: If your leg hurts, take your vicodin.

House: It’s not enough. Get a syringe.

Cuddy: Morphine is extreme, even for you.

House: Yeah, write that on the insert.

Cuddy: Get one of your lackeys to do it.

House: I don’t want them knowing.

Cuddy: That you’re on the road to becoming a junkie?

House: That I’m in this much pain. I don’t want them questioning my judgment. I can’t ask Wilson because he figures its all in my head.

Cuddy: Well, I agree with him. I’m going home.

House: (He throws his cane and pulls his pants down.) Well, what about this?

Cuddy: What are you doing?

House: Is this in my head? (Whoa, he has a wicked scar.) Cause I could swear I remember a thigh muscle being here. (He breathes heavily.)

Cuddy: I’ll get a syringe.

Commercial Break

Back in the MRI Lab and God is there only now he’s just Wilson doing a series of tests looking for a tumor.

House: It’s gotta be cancer.

Wilson: It’s not cancer. You seem to be back to your old miserable self.

House: So I just randomly predicted she’d respond to IVIG? Her twitches are gone, her memory’s getting better.

Wilson: What did you take?

House: If the increased pain’s psychological, no drugs gonna help.

Wilson: If you thing it’ll help the drugs will help. Power of the mind.

House: You’re right. The more I talk to you, the more the pain floods back. (He looks at a scan.) Knew the twins were real. Chase owes me. You check the pancreas?

Wilson: Oh come on, you’re just making up organs now aren’t you. We checked the pancreas. Obviously you’ve taken something.

House: You check the bones? There are a lot if bones, I think.

Wilson: And none of them have cancer.

House: Ovaries?

Wilson: There’s no mass, if anything they’re undersized. No leukemia. No Hodgkin’s. We checked everything. Unless they’ve invented a new organ, it’s not cancer.

Conference Room

House: Differential diagnosis.

Foreman: It’s gotta be cancer. There’s gotta be something we missed.

House: You gotta learn to let go Foreman.

Chase: Maybe the protein level was some sort of anomaly. It might still just be PTSD.

Cameron: Just PTSD. Yeah, daddy’s diddling her, nothing to worry about.

Chase: Okay, let me rephrase. Maybe the protein level was some sort of anomaly. Oh my God it might be PTSD.

Foreman: If it was PTSD the twitching wouldn’t have magically disappeared when we started the IVIG.

House: (Snaps fingers.) Wrong. What it wouldn’t have done was medically disappear, nothing to stop it from magically disappearing. She was watching me start and stop the medicine.

Cameron: You think she’s faking?

House: Not consciously, but if her subconscious is trying to get away from it all cancer’s got to be a lovely vacation spot. Tell her you’ve got to give her a fresh IV. Don’t tell her you’re starting her on saline. See if the twitching comes back.

Hallway Outside Alex’s Room

Foreman: How long has the social worker been in there?

Cameron: Just went in. She was in with the dad before.

Foreman: You switched the girl’s IV?

Chase: About a half an hour ago.

Foreman: When’s she gonna start twitching?

Chase: If she’s gonna start twitching, another few minutes. We’ve got to wait for the remaining IVIG to clear her system. (The social worker comes out and walks toward them.)

Cameron: That was quick. What’s gonna happen?

Social Worker: What did you think was gonna happen?

Cameron: The father had sex--

Social Worker: Do you have any medical evidence of that?

Cameron: He admitted--

Social Worker: He denies that conversation ever took place.

Cameron: She--

Social Worker: She denies it too. I’m sure you meant well. (Cameron watches the Social Worker leave and then goes into Alex’s room.)

Cameron: You have to tell her the truth.

Alex: Nothing happened.

Cameron: You don’t have to be afraid of him. They can protect you.

Alex: From what? Things are fine.

Cameron: You think things are fine, they’re not.

Alex: He’s my dad.

Cameron: He’s abusing you.

Alex: He’s not a bad person. I seduced him.

Cameron: You’re the child, He’s the adult. He had the responsibility--

Alex: I got him drunk. I had to get him drunk. I wanted to have sex with him.

Cameron: You’re sexually attracted to your father?

Alex: No, but by sleeping with him now he lets me do whatever I want. I also slept with my photographer, my financial manager, and my tutor; if I hadn’t I’d be getting C’s and posing for newspaper ads back in Detroit. Come on, we all do it.

Cameron: No, we don’t. After your father slept with you, you were traumatized.

Alex: My dad was last. You’ve never taken a run at your boss, or professor, or somebody else you needed?

Cameron: You’re fifteen. You’re smart. You don’t have--

Alex: I am not that smart. I am that beautiful. (Twitching starts again.) What’s wrong with me?

Delivery Room

Woman: (Screaming.)  George get your butt over here.

George: Help me.

House: How did you get my pager number?

Woman: Please.

House: Problem is if I give you an epidural you won’t be able to feel when to push.

George: You’re not funny.

House: Pretty sure I am. You just can’t appreciate it because you’re in pain.

Woman: George, if you don’t get off your ass and help me.

House: Oh shut up! You’ve got yourself the perfect man; a woman. He’s got more estrogen coursing through his veins—(Light bulb.)

House: Who did her vaginal exam?

Cameron: I did

House: Did she have hair?

Cameron: What are you getting at?

House: Right now I’m getting at whether or not she had hair down there.

Cameron: Uh… not much.

House: She’s manipulative, yet completely docile. Everybody tells us that outburst on the catwalk was out of character. She’s never had a period.

Cameron: You’re thinking this is hormonal?

House: I’m thinking she’s the ultimate woman. (He stops to speak to a nurse who is on the phone.) I… (He hangs up the phone by pressing the button.) I need to schedule an MRI.

MRI Lab

Alex: The twitching stopped.

House: Because we changed your medicine back to the real stuff. Stop talking.

Alex: You gave me fake medicine?

House: That’s what I said; in the vain hope that you wouldn’t feel the need to also say it. Stop talking.

Cameron: Wilson already did an ultrasound, said her ovaries were undersized.

House: The ultrasound would be the way to go if you were looking for ovarian cancer.

Cameron: What are we looking for? (The machine beeps.)

House: That.

Cameron: Oh my God.

House: Looks like a tumor doesn’t it?

Cameron: But those are.

House: Yep.

Alex’s Room

House: We found a tumor.

Dad: She has cancer.

House: Technically, no.

Dad: So its not cancer?

House: No, it’s cancer. But, he has cancer, on his left testicle.

Alex: I don’t have testicles.

Dad: She’s not a guy.

House: His DNA says you’re wrong. Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. You’ve got male pseudohermaphroditism. See we all start out as girls and then we’re differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries develop into testes and drop. But in about 1 in 150,000 pregnancies a fetus with an XY chromosome, a boy, develops into something else. Like you. Your testes never descended because you’re immune to testosterone. You’re pure estrogen, which is why you get heightened female characteristics; clear skin, great breasts. The ultimate woman is a man. Nature’s cruel, huh?

Dad: This is obviously a joke, this is impossible.

House: No, a joke would be me calling you a homo. See the difference? I’ll schedule him for surgery.

Alex: (She gets out of bed.) No, you’re wrong. I’m a girl. (She pulls off her gown.) Look at me! How could you say I’m not a girl? See! They’re all looking at me. I’m beautiful!

House: Anger, it’s just the cancer talking. Put your clothes back on. I’m going to cut your balls off. Then you’ll be fine. (She covers up, crying and looks at her dad who turns to look out the window.)

Cuddy: How’s the patient.

House: Post op. I sent him slash her up for a psyche visit.

Cuddy: Calling her him slash her isn’t really helping.

House: Good news is, I don’t think dad’s going to be sleeping with him slash her again. See, now it’s gross. I need another shot.

Cuddy: When did the pain start coming back?

House: A few hours ago.

Cuddy: About an hour after you solved the case.

House: If I wanted to be psychoanalyzed I’d get Wilson to give me the shot.

Cuddy: Same dosage?

House: If you would be more comfortable, I might be able to deal with a few CC’s less morphine.

Cuddy: It wasn’t morphine.

House: What did you give me? I told you I wanted--

Cuddy: It was saline, I gave you a placebo. (She leaves him standing there looking contemplative.)

Piano playing Bach’s French Suite #5 in G major Allemande; cut to House playing the piece from memory. His vicodin is sitting on top of the piano. He hits the wrong note, stops playing, opens the bottle and pours out the pills. He takes one as Desire starts to play again. Fade out on him sitting at the piano.

END