[The scene opens on a basketball game.  (It is March Madness, after all!)  Joey, our main attraction is eating dinner and paying attention to the game.  5 or 6 other men in suits are sitting around drinking coffee, reading papers, etc.  Bill walks up and stands in front of the TV.]

Bill: If you testify, no one can protect you.  Especially the Feds.

Everhardt: We’ll keep you safe, Joey.

Bill: Right.  Witness Protection.  This great new life he’s giving you?  You’re sacking groceries at some goat-town Stop and Shop when one of the Talli guys comes up and puts two in the back of your skull.

Everhardt: Counselor, are you advising a witness to withhold evidence from a federal grand jury?

Bill: He came forward; he volunteered.  I’m advising him not to testify until I’m satisfied you can protect him.

Joey: Hey, you guys mind?  I got money on this.

Everhardt: [to Bill] What do you want?  We gave you everything you asked for.

Joey: I asked for pasta.

Everhardt: You got steak, enjoy it.  [Joey shakes his head and takes out a cigarette.]

Bill: What are you doing?  [He takes the cigarette from Joey’s mouth.]  Where’s your quit candy?  I just gave you a pack.

Joey: Yeah, sorry, I forgot.

Bill: Joey, whatever they give us, what they tell you, you get popped, what am I going to do?  Sue them?

Joey: That’s not what this is about. You’re gonna miss me.

Bill: I’m your lawyer, Joey.

Joey: You’re my brother.  And I do this, you know, go into Witness Protection, we’re never gonna see each other again.

Bill: That doesn’t bother you?

Joey: Kills me.  [pause, then gets up]  Hey, I gotta take a leak.  [He falters, and puts a hand to his head.]

Bill: You all right?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, just, uh, little dizzy…

Bill: Get some air.

Joey: And hot.  [He grabs an end table for balance, which falls, and he collapses.]

Bill: Joey!  [He runs over.]

Everhardt: What did you say to him?

Marshall: Yeah, nice try.  [He grabs Bill and tries to get him away.]

Bill: Let go of me!  Let go of me, can’t you see he’s sick?

Everhardt: Joey!  Joey!

Bill: Something’s wrong with him! [He breaks free to move back to Joey.]

Everhardt: Come on, you’re not getting out of this that easy!  Either you’re dead, or you’re testifying.  [Bill slaps Joey’s cheeks lightly, but Joey is out.]

[Credits!]

[Cut to Cuddy’s office, where she is meeting with Vogler.]

Cuddy: Don’t have it.

Vogler: Budget?

Cuddy: Nope.

Vogler: Revenue statement, list of expenses…

Cuddy: House has been very busy.

Vogler: Saving New Jersey from leprosy, yes, I know.  Getting me his numbers, that’s your job.  [House barges in.]

Cuddy: We’re in a meeting.

House: Need the lawyer.

Vogler: Who’d you kill?

House: Nobody, but it’s not even lunch.  Got served with a federal court order.  Some witness went into a coma and they want me to take a look at it.  [He tries to hand the paper over to Cuddy, but Vogler snatches it.]

Vogler: What?  They want you to examine a sick person?  This is a public relations nightmare.  Don’t think our staff do that kind of thing around here… this place would be crawling with sick people!

House: I’m a doctor, I’m not a lapdog for the feds; I don’t play fetch.

Vogler: Nobody tells you what to do.  Am I right, Dr. Cuddy?

Cuddy: You have three choices: hire a lawyer to fight the order, treat the guy, or go to jail for contempt.  Up to you.

House: [grabs the papers back]  Jail.  You’d like that.  No more naughty schoolgirl.  [to Vogler]  Conjugal visit, that’s her new fantasy.  [Vogler tries not to laugh as House leaves.]

Vogler: We’re not leaving until he’s gone or you show me one good reason for keeping him.

[Cut to House examining Joey, shining lights in his eyes and needles in his feet.  He finally holds his Nintendo DS up to Joey’s ear.]

House: He’s really out of it, huh?

[Cut to House walking with his team in the hallway.]

Foreman: Causes of coma: metabolic, structural –

Chase: [looking at the file] He had his stomach pumped!  Why would they do that?

House: Rule out poisoning.

Chase: Huh.  Not the typical first guess.

House: No, the first guess was faking it.  Patient’s a federal witness, reluctant, I’m assuming.  He’s also an 8 on the Glasgow coma scale.

Foreman: [whistles]  That’s barely alive.  Pretty tough to fake it.

Cameron: Any recent history of head trauma?  Bad car accident, fall?

House: They tell me no, but do an MRI to be sure. [They round the corner to Diagnostics, Bill is standing by the door.]

Chase: Metabolic causes.  Liver, kidney, diabetes –

House: Check for everything, feds are paying.  We’re gonna turn a profit on this one, boys.

Bill: Dr. House, Bill Arnello.  [He shakes House’s hand.]  I’m a lawyer, I represent Mr. Smith.  What’s wrong with him?

House: Do I come to you with my problems?

Bill: He’s also my brother.

House: What, you changed your name?  “Smith” wasn’t good enough for you?

Bill: His name’s Joey, he’s my only brother.

House: He’s important to you, got it.  So, no placebos for him, we’ll use the real medicine.  [Elevator dings, House gets in.]  Well, this was fun, let’s do it again soon.  [Bill follows him in.]  Brother in the Mafia?  [Door closes, because the elevator door has the best sense of dramatic/comedic timing in the whole show.]  So, just Joey?  I was hoping for a nickname.  Joey Mango.  Joey the Wrench.  [Bill hits the emergency stop.]  People know where I am.

Bill: I want you to do your job.  Diagnose him, fix him, and keep him here.

House: We’re a bit of a specialized hospital.  We generally only deal with patients when they’re actually sick.

Bill: If you release my brother to the government, and he does what they want, even if you fix him, he’s dead.  I need time to convince him of that.  [He shuts off the stop.]  Good news is, if you screw up you don’t have to worry about a malpractice suit.  If he’s dead, one by one, I’ll take away the things you love ‘till there’s nothing left.  [Elevator opens, House leaves.]

House: So, on the Mafia thing, that’s a yes.

[Cut to Joey entering the MRI.]

Cameron: Did House seem weird to you?

Chase: Are you expecting him to be weird?

Cameron: We spoke about how we felt.

Chase: You told him you liked him?

Cameron: No, of course not.

Chase: What are you talking about, then?

Cameron: I asked him if he liked me.

Chase: Why would you do that?

Cameron: Because I like him.

Chase: You like him, like him?

Cameron: Doesn’t matter, he doesn’t like me.

Chase: Hey, he doesn’t like anybody.  And nobody likes him.

[Cut to the team in Joey’s room.]

Chase: MRI showed a subdural hematoma.

Foreman: Bleeding around his brain caused pressure inside his head which caused the coma.

House: [looking at the scan]  These look like pseudomembranes.  Those take time to form.  If it was an old injury it wouldn’t have caused the coma.

Cameron: Patient history indicates he was hit with a tire iron in 1996.  Brother says he was changing a tire and it slipped.

Foreman: Subdural hematoma placed where this one is, it could have caused his coma.

House: What about his liver?

Cameron: LFTs are slightly elevated.

Chase: Key word is slightly.  As in, not high enough to cause the coma.  It’s the subdural.

Foreman: I say we evacuate the cavity, see if he wakes up.

House: The neurologist thinks it’s his brain, wants to open up his head.  Frankly, I’m shocked!  You get to use the big boy drill and Daddy’s big red toolbox.

Joey: No drilling.  [Egads!  He’s awake!]  Hi.

Foreman: Mr. Smith!

Joey: Call me Joe.  [Foreman tries to shine a light in his eyes.]  Can you not do that?  So, we’re clear about the no drilling?

[Cut to the team in the elevator, well, leaving it.]

Chase: He’s okay now, he can leave.

House: I’m not releasing him.

Chase: Because the brother doesn’t want you to?

House: Or because he had an unexplained coma, which sounds better?

Chase: The hematoma caused the coma.

House: That’s a catchy diagnosis, you could dance to that.

Foreman: I think Chase is right.  It still should be evacuated, but it’s not an immediate threat.

House: Cameron’s my girl.

Cameron: I’d release him.

House: Are you disagreeing with me because –

Cameron: I’m disagreeing because that’s my medical opinion.

House: Of course it is.  But unless I’ve been named as the fourth part of the Axis of Evil, invaded and occupied, this is still not a democracy.  He’s staying.  Send for Hepatitis serologies and an autoimmune panel.  [He enters the clinic.]

[Cut to Exam Room one, where a young man is holding a toddler boy. House walks in.]

House: Hey.  I’m with you.  Old enough to drink, old enough to do something really stupid and make yourself a baby.

Henry: He’s my brother.  I’m watching him while my parents are in Barbados.  He’s having trouble breathing and there’s a lot of wheezing.

House: [listing to the kid’s breathing with his stethoscope]  Whistling, technically.  Upper airways, nose.

Henry:  If he’s got the croup, that could become meningitis, right?

House: Absolutely.  [He leans over the kid.]

Henry: I was just studying and all of a sudden I hear him crying and sounding all weird.  My parents are going to kill me.  [House reaches into the kid’s nose with tweezers.]

House: I doubt it.

Henry: You don’t know them.

House: No, I doubt you were studying while your parents were away.  [He retrieves a tiny toy policeman from the kid’s nose.]  Hello, officer.  You might want to rinse this off before you let him play with it again.  [His beeper beeps.]

[Cut to House entering Joey’s (empty) room.]

House: What happened?  Where is he?

Foreman: Vogler called admitting, admitting called Justice, Justice came and took him away.

House: And who called Vogler?  [All the ducklings look at each other.]

[Cut to Vogler and Cuddy, still meeting.]

Vogler: He loses money.

Cuddy: So does ophthalmology.  Who cares, this is a hospital.  You can’t just cut a department!

Vogler: You can’t control him.

Cuddy: I am the only one that can control him. [House barges in again.]

Vogler: D-D-D-D-Dr. House in the House!  Impeccable timing as always.

House: You had no authority to release my patient.

Vogler: My colleague has just informed me that she has a singular talent.  You are just in time for a demonstration.  [sits down to enjoy the show]

Cuddy: Dr. House, from what I understand, your –

House: From what you understand?  He’s not your patient; how the hell do you understand anything?

Vogler: That’s sad.

House: You’re not even a doctor.

Vogler: John Smith is here only because of court order.  I had the records faxed to the judge; she recinded the order.

House: Why bother, just to piss me off?

Vogler: Keeping the government off our ass.  Hmm.  Yeah. [House’s beeper beeps.]  That makes no sense for a public institution.

House: Okay.  [turns to leave]

Cuddy: Okay what?

House: Okay, sir.  Carry on.  [He leaves.]

Cuddy: He really cares about his patients.

Vogler: Yeah, and he just walked out of here with nothing.  Something’s up.

[Cut to the Emergency room.  Paramedics are wheeling Joey in on a stretcher.]

Everhardt: He just started vomiting and passed out

Paramedic: 35-year-old male, vital signs are stable now.  Gave him 2 liters en route.  Just released from here two hours ago. [Cuddy and Vogler walk up.]

Everhardt You said he was good to go.

House: So, your junior G-man badge isn’t looking so good.

[Cut to Joey’s room, with Joey now inside of it.]

[Cut to the Diagnostic office.]

Chase: His liver’s worse.

House: Comatose?

Cameron: No, completely different symptoms than the first time.

Chase: Serology tests came back positive for Hep-C.

House: Hep-C is a chronic condition.  You don’t think this is an acute situation?

Chase: Coma, vomiting, abdominal pain, Hep-C explains everything.

House: Except for the suddenness of the onset.

Foreman: What’s wrong with the timing?

House: You get home one night.  Your wife hits you with a baseball bat.  Likely cause is the fact you haven’t thanked her for dinner in eight years, or the receipt for fur handcuffs she found in your pants.  Sudden onset equals proximate cause.

Chase: He also has high estrogen levels in his blood.  That’s indicative of a chronic condition, not acute.

House: One test.  What do his other liver tests tell us?

Cameron: Normal albumen levels point toward acute.

Chase: Uh-huh.  And why is her test better than mine?

House: Because she’s cuter.  [Cameron looks uncomfortable.]  Though it’s close.  Do a liver biopsy.  When the results come back we’ll know what we’re looking at.

Chase: Why wait to treat the Hep-C?  If I’m right, Joey gets better that much faster.

House: Right.  Then he gets to testify, and you get a gold star a Cuddy.

Chase: Then what’s the downside?  Or is that the downside.

House: Do I have a reason for not wanting you to get any stars? [Everyone looks confused.]  Fine, start the treatment.  It’s all your idea.  Don’t even mention my name.  There’s nothing wrong with your theory, go.  [They all get up.]  But in the “humor me” department, get a biopsy while you’re at it.  [They start to leave.]  Foreman, we need to talk.  [House and Foreman enter House’s office.]  You’re off the case.

Foreman: What?  Why?

House: Somebody told Vogler that I lied to the transplant committee.

Foreman: You think I did?

House: You’re too careful.  You wouldn’t jump ship unless you knew what was in the water.

Foreman: Stop, you’re embarrassing me.

House: But I want Vogler to think I think it’s you.  And I want Cameron and Chase and Cuddy and Wilson and the nursing staff and the cashier in the parking lot to think that, too.

Foreman: [to himself] Right.

[Cut to Chase doing an ultrasound of Joey’s liver.]

Chase: The bloodtests show you have Hepatitis C.  It’s a virus that infects the liver.

Bill: No way.

Chase: Well, it’s not all bad news.  It can often be cured, and even if not, it’s manageable.

Bill: How’d my brother get this?

Chase: Usually it involves the exchange of bodily fluids, the, uh –

Bill: Bodily fluids, what are you talking about?

Chase: There are many ways the virus can be transmitted.  Sharing needles, blood transfusions –

Bill: Hey!  [He gets up and points his finger in Chase’s face.]  Nobody talks to my brother like this, okay?

Chase: Fine.  I’ve no idea how he got it.  But he has Hepatitis-C.  We’re going to start him on Interferon – [Bill slaps Chase across the face.]

Bill: He doesn’t have it, don’t mention it again, don’t treat him for it. [Chase flips his hair out of his eyes and looks mad, but does nothing.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s office, which is a mess of papers and folders.  And, surprise!  Vogler’s still there!]

Cuddy: House has some directed donations, foundation support… [leafing through folder] It’s around here…

Vogler: He makes you miserable.  Eight years he’s worked here, never made a dime for you, never listened to you.

Cuddy: He can changed, he’s –

Vogler: He hasn’t changed in eight years.  Either he can’t change, or you can’t change him.  You have no idea how many times he’s lied to you, undercut your authority, made you look like crap to other doctors.

Cuddy: Yes, I hate him, and here I am, desperately trying to protect his job.  What does that tell you?

Vogler: That you don’t hate him.

Cuddy: I do not protect people I like.  I protect people who are assets to this hospital.

Vogler: No.  That’s me.  You, you’re softer.

Cuddy:  Right.  There are three female Chiefs of Medicine at major hospitals in this country and we all got there using our feminine wiles.

Vogler: It’s human nature to wanna protect people we like.

Cuddy: I don’t like him!

Vogler: We think if we can just form the right team, we’ll all get along, be able to pull the boat –

Cuddy: I don’t get along with him!

Vogler: Well, this is not a team, it’s not a boat, it’s not a machine that has a lot of parts that have to work together.  The metaphors are all crap.  This is a business.  That’s all it is.  You like him, that’s bad for business.

[Cut to the clinic, where House is once again trying to get something out of that poor kid’s nose.]

Henry: Ah, this is all my fault.

House: Took another homework break with Betty Lou?

Henry: No, last week I showed him a magic trick.

House: Pulled a quarter out of his nose.  It’s a classic.

Henry: Yeah, now he won’t stop shoving stuff up there.  [Bill enters.]

Bill: Dr. House.

House: Got a crisis here!

Henry: [to the kid] It’s okay.  [But it’s not okay, as the kid shakes his head, growls, and tries to bite House’s hand.]

Bill: [to kid] Stop!  [Kid shuts up, allowing House to pull a firefighter out of his nose.]

House: It’s a neat trick.

Bill: You have to believe you’ll actually hurt them.

House: Ah.

[Cut to House and Bill entering House’s office.]

Bill: Your people insulted my brother.

House: What, they put romano in the parmesan cheese shaker again?

Bill: Said he was a crackhead or a homo or something.

House: Those idiots.  How many times am I going to have to send them through sensitivity training?  Nobody’s saying he’s a homo, that would be really, really bad.  So let’s put a nice, friendly spin on it.  Let’s go with: he got raped in prison.  I saw the jailhouse tats, put it together with the blood tests…

Bill: There were rumors, but Joey never said anything about…. If people find out he’s being treated for Hep-C?  Feds get that chart, someone says something to somebody, word’ll get out.  And then Joey’s manhood, his rep is destroyed.

House: You’re worried about how his coworkers will react in the Walmart in Demoyne.

Bill: He’s not going into Witness Protection, I won’t let that happen.

House: Listen, I don’t know if you know about this, but mob businesses sometimes keep two sets of books.

Bill: One legit, one not.

House: Exactly.

Bill: You jerking my chain?

House: Doctors are busy, sometimes they forget to write things down, it happens all the time.

Bill: Thanks.  [He turns to leave.]  Oh, and whatever you’re not giving him for whatever he doesn’t have, is that going to fix him?

House: I doubt it.

[Cut to Wilson walking in the parking garage.  House catches up to him.]

House: On your way to polish Vogler’s car?

Wilson: Gone are the days of the grumpy old docs seeing patients in the basement of his house, getting paid a few chickens.

House: How will I eat?

Wilson: You know what Cuddy has been locked in with Vogler about all day today, and yesterday?

House: Floor polish costs through the roof?

Wilson: You.  Her secretary’s been to the photocopier all day with your records.  It’s all they’re looking at in there.  [House looks shocked.]

House: My car has been stolen.  [They look around for it, and see…]

Wilson: Or rein-CAR-nated. […a 1965 red Corvette in House’s parking space.  Wilson picks up a piece of paper stuck in the windshield wiper.]  Pink slip.  “A gift from the Arnello brothers.”

House: [smiling]  You know, they’re gangsters, sure, but they’re thoughtful, too.

Wilson: You can’t keep it.  It’s graft.

House: No, no, no, no.  Uh-uh.  Graft is if I tell them I’ll only make it better if he slips me a couple bucks.  A payoff for something I’m not supposed to do.  If I’d asked for the payoff (which I didn’t), I would have done the bad thing anyway.  So there’s nothing wrong with this.

Wilson: Right.

House: Damn. ’65.  Perfectly restored.  What do you think a guy like Joey would do if someone turned down a gift?  That’s kind of an insult, isn’t it?

Wilson: He might hurt you.  It’s definitely possible.

House: I’m screwed.  Gotta take the car.

[Cut to Chase taking notes on Joey in Joey’s room, then cut to the lab.]

Cameron: Did you see House’s new car?

Chase: Joey.  He obviously can’t keep it.

Cameron: You don’t mind the hospital taking money from Vogler?

Chase: That’s different, Vogler’s legit.

Cameron: That’s worse. Vogler’s money came with strings.

Chase: Vogler doesn’t set me up to have a mobster take a swing at me.

Cameron: I’m sure House didn’t know –

Foreman: [entering] Joey’s pressure dropped.  Pushed IV fluids, now he’s holding 100 systolic.

Cameron: Septic?

Foreman: No, looks like he’s bleeding into his liver.

Chase: Varices.  You see it with chronic Hep-C all the time.

House: [entering]  Biopsy’s back.  Two findings.  Number one:  lymphoctic infiltrate and no bridging fibrosis.

Foreman: Well, whatever’s killing him is not Hep-C.  It’s acute.

House: Who said that?  I forget.  What are you doing here?  I told you you were off the case.

Foreman: Right.  Your diabolic plan to convince the evil genius he’s in the clear so he’ll let his guard down and make a fatal mistake, sure.

House: Well, it’s clearly not going to work now.

Chase: What evil genius?

House: If we knew that, then we wouldn’t need a diabolic plan now, would we?

Foreman: House thinks someone ratted him out to Vogler.

Chase: Oh, what?  One of us?

House: No, you guys love me too much.

Chase: All right, look, if it’s not the Hep-C, then what’s the problem?  What’s causing the liver failure?

House: Finding number two: toxins.

Cameron: No.  He’s only 30 years old and his job doesn’t expose him to heavy metals or environmental –

House: He’s a 30-year-old mobster.  He doesn’t have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins, he has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins.  Someone’s poisoned him.

[Cut to the Feds standing outside Joey’s door, then cut to the team in the diagnostic offices.]

House: Whatever this toxin is, it’s doing its job and fast.  How long do we have until the next round of test results?

Chase: About four hours.

Foreman:  Too bad his liver’s only going to last another two.

Cameron: We’re going to have to get him a new one.

Chase: What, in two hours?

House: There is another way.  Relax, it’s kosher.

[Cut to… a pig, being walked down the hallway.  Cut next to the OR, where the pig is hooked up to Joey via a set of tubes.]

Bill: This is so bizarre.

Chase: Not really.  We just take the blood out of Joey’s body and run it through a pig. [CGI shot of the process described by Chase.]  The pig’s liver does what Joey’s can’t, cleans the blood, which we send right back to him.

Bill: And the pig makes him better?

Chase: No, just buys us some time to figure out what’s poisoning your brother.

Bill: Like you do this all the time?

Chase: Oh, we’ve basically got a barn in the basement.

[Cut to Foreman and Cameron in the lab.]

Cameron: Cross off hemlock.

Foreman: You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock?  Dr. Euripides tell you to check for that?

Cameron: Grows wild by the highways out here.

Foreman: How much do you like House?

Cameron: Chase has a big mouth.

Foreman: Yeah. He's probably the one who ratted to Vogler.

Cameron: I don't think that he would --

Foreman: Does it hurt when you're with House? Little pain in the tummy, but it sort of feels good, too?

Cameron: I don't have the right to show interest in someone?

Foreman: You absolutely do, and I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it. [House enters the lab.]

House: Anything?

Foreman: White blood count's low; probably a result of the illness, nothing to connect to the liver.

House: Is he a smoker?

Cameron: Let me check. [House goes to look at the chest x-ray.]

House: Early signs of emphysema. He's been smoking at least a dozen years.

Cameron: 18. You got that from the white count?

House: Nope, got that from the chest x-ray. White count just tells me he's quitting. [He goes to look over Cameron's shoulder, who looks uncomfortable.]

Cameron: Two weeks ago.  [House leaves.]

Foreman: How’s your tummy?

Cameron: Flat and taut.

[Cut to the hallway where the feds are.]

Marshall: I’ve been on the job for 12 years.

Everhardt: You put $3,000 in your wife’s checking account this morning.  I want to know where it came from.

Marshall: I got a perfect record.

Everhardt: Where did you get the money.

House: Cancel the thumb screws, I’ve got our culprit.

Everhardt: Who?

House: Not who, Hu.

Everhardt: Huh?

House: Thanks for playing along.  Chai Hu, a Chinese herb in his quit smoking candy.  Reduces cravings, also reduces his white blood count.  Oh yeah, he also took enough of them to poison himself.  We’ll keep him on the pig for a few more hours, then take him off the candy, he’ll be fine.  Pig won’t be.  Oh no.

[Cut to Joey’s room.  Bill is sitting in a chair, waiting for something to happen.  Joey wakes up.]

Joey: Hey.

Bill: Hey, you feeling better?

Joey: Famished.

Bill: I think they’ve got fish sticks on the menu.

Joey: Makes me miss prison.

[Cut to House and Wilson, cruising down the road in the ‘Vette.]

Wilson: So, the mobster’s good to go?

House: I’ll keep him over night, then let the fed’s know he’s good to rat out whoever he wants.

Wilson: Brother won’t be happy.

House: Maybe have to give back the car.

Wilson: You should let Vogler tell the feds.

House: Why?

Wilson: Because it matters to him.  Because you humiliated him the first time Joey was released.  You think you should still be in third there, ace?

House: He humiliated himself.

Wilson: And because your job depends on the kind of mood Vogler’s in at the end of his marathon with Cuddy.  Seriously, man, have you ever driven an automobile before?  There are four gears, you know.

House: The ’66 came with a Shut Up button.

[Cut to House walking into the clinic… in a lab coat!  He enters Cuddy’s office, where she’s still meeting with Vogler.]

House: It is my medical opinion that the patient is healthy and can be released.

Vogler: Thanks for letting us know.  [Vogler picks up the phone.]  Give me the U.S. Attorney’s office.

Cuddy: [to House]  I see you’ve found out what we’re meeting about.

House: You’re having a meeting?

Cuddy: Well, whatever the reason, the coat looks good on you.  [looks at the chart]  Chai Hu lozenges cause this kind of liver failure, no way!

House: Not by themselves, but in combination with the Interferon it’s like gas to a flame.

Cuddy: What Interferon?

House: For the Hep-C.

Cuddy: What Hep-C?

House: Oops.

Cuddy: Is hidind a mobster’s Hep-C that important?

House: Is letting the feds know everything that important? [House’s beeper beeps.]

Cuddy: You know, you are a piece of work, even now.

House: Ed!

Vogler: Edward.

House: Joey’s back in a coma.

[Cut to the team in the Diagonstic office, gathered around the whiteboard.

Chase: He’s stable, but comatose.

Foreman: Worse than before, he’s on a ventilator.

House: Question is, why?  It’s not his brain, it’s not a toxin.  Our friend Babe helped with that one.  So what else?

Chase: The Hep-C.  We never really treated it, we stopped the Interferon when it started poisoning his liver.

House: Am I going to have to write a song about it?  His chronic Hep-C was not bad enough to produce these symptoms.

Foreman: The estrogen level indicates it is.

House: Indicates something else entirely.

Cameron: We can’t give him Interferon now.  There’s still traces of the lozenges in his system.  It’ll just poison him again,

Chase: Genetics.  We don’t just treat the virus, we change it.  A non-nucleoside allosteric inhibitor.

Foreman: It’s never been tried on a human being.  It could kill him.

Chase: Well, what’s the difference?  He’s dead without it.

Foreman: They’re running a trial on dogs at St. Sebastians in Philadelphia.  I’ll make the call.

House: [as the three others start to leave] What else could cause his estrogen level to be that high?

Cameron: Nothing. [They leave, leaving House staring at the whiteboard.]

[Cut to Chase administering medicine to Joey while Bill looks on.]

Chase: We’re going to put the medicine here.  We don’t want it to burn his veins when it goes in.

Bill: You have no idea if it will work.

Chase: It’s shown promise in testing.

[Cut to the clinic, where Henry and his brother are making yet another visit.]

Henry: Maybe there’s nothing up there, I watched him like a hawk.  [Kid cries and screams.]

House: Pretty sure you didn’t.

Henry: I didn’t let him play with any more little toys.

House: Thus forcing him to shove a big one up there.  [Kid is still crying.]  Stop or I snap your nose off!  [And the kid stops crying!  House pulls… a fire truck out of his nose, which goes with the policeman and the firefighter.]

Henry: He’s not too smart.

House: Genetics is a powerful force.  On the other hand, maybe he’s smarter than you think.

Henry: What’s going on?

House: Just give me a second.  Always wanted to use one of these.  [He grabs a big magnet, and demonstrates its use by picking scissors up off of the counter.] Tilt his head back.

Henry: I don’t know.

House: Just tilt his head back.  [He uses the magnet, and a metal cat comes out of the kid’s nose.]  Nice grasp of concepts, relationships.  Very smart, very cool.  First the policeman, fireman, fire truck.  Your brother was sending in teams to save the cat.

Henry: Wow.

House: Sometimes the simplest answer… [ He trails off in thought, and Occam’s Razor strikes again!]

[Cut to House, yo-yoing by the whiteboard.]

House: Most types of coma you just don’t snap out of.  [Chase enters.]

Chase: He’s not snapping out of this one, he’s not improving.  You crossed out estrogen, you’ve got an explanation?

House: Yes, I have.  A very simple one.

Chase: And?

House: It’s private.

Chase: You think I’m the one running to Vogler.

House: You’re currently top of the list.  Toxic comas, person’s away from the cause long enough and they recover.

Chase: The feds checked for poisons, we checked for poisons.  I didn’t do it.

House: It’s not a poison, then.

Chase: An allergy, then.  Did you hear me?

House: How about a food sensitivity?

Chase: All of his food is strictly controlled.  There’s no correlation between his meals and his condition.  He had steak and potatoes before the first coma, and the hospital served fish sticks before the second one.  You can trust me.

House: Problem is, if I can’t trust you, I can’t trust your statement that I can trust you.  But thanks anyway, you’ve been a big help.

[Cut to House walking up to the Marshall in the hallway.]

House: So where did you get the money?

Marshall: What?

House: Someone paid you off.

Marshall: What are you talking about?  It wasn’t poison, you told us that it –

House: You’re talking about poison.  I’m talking about payoff.  Graft.

Bill: Leave him alone.

House: You paid the Marshall off.

Bill: I didn’t pay him to poison my brother.

House: No, it just worked out that way.

Bill: I gave the guy some money to get him some decent food.

House: Better than fish sticks?  I’m thinking steak.

Bill: We asked for pasta.  Those stupid feds could care less –

House: He had steak before both comas.  Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency.  You want me to write it down?  Good, because it takes a while.  It’s genetic, it can present at any time.  The patient eats a large amount of protein, especially if he’s not used to it.

Bill: That’s it?  He stays off the red meat and he’s going to be fine?

House: Yes.  If I’m right, and we stop the current treatment, he gets better.  If we stop the current treatment and I’m wrong, he dies.

Bill: Why would you be wrong?

House: His estrogen level.  OTD doesn’t explain his estrogen level.  But I have a theory.  There is one chemical that, if ingested, can cause a person’s estrogen level to increase dramatically.  [He sits in the waiting area.]

Bill: What is it?

House: It’s called estrogen.

Bill: Joey’s taking estrogen?  What, he wants a sex change?

House: No, nothing like that.  It’s called Male Flame.  It’s probably more consumer friendly in the original Chinese.  It’s an herbal aphrodisiac marketed to gay men.

Bill: Oh, here we go.

House: And sold on the same website that sells his Chai Hu lozenges.  Guess what’s in it?  Starts with an “e”.

Bill: You want to get hit, too?

House: That would be quite a trick.  “He slapped me so hard his brother turned straight.” Joey’s a big-time mobster.  Guys like that don’t get raped in prison.  They get gifts, they get food, drugs, cigarettes, cable TV…

Bill: [sitting next to House]  Joey is not gay.

House: Well, maybe not gay, but certainly delightful.  You, on the other hand, hitting a doctor, even if it was only Chase… and asking another one to keep his chart fresh and homo-free.  Well, that’s a bit of an overreaction, wouldn’t you say?  It’s almost like you’re scared that it might be true.

Bill: You’re wrong.

House: Okay.  Then don’t stop the treatment.  [starts to leave]  But if you’re wrong, he dies.

[Cut to a shot of Joey, hooked up to multiple machines.  Chase is attending, and House is watching through the wall.  Bill walks up.]

Bill: Okay.  [House nods to Chase, who stops the medicine.]  He never said anything to me about it, not once.

House: That’s what I love about you mob guys: so tolerant of others, so accepting.  Only way he was coming out was way, way out.  Lose the tattoos, change his name, move to another town… how’s a guy like him going to do that?  Witness protection.  It’s not just for witnesses any more.

Chase: You can go in now, sit with him if you want.  [Bill walks away.]

[Cut to Bill, sitting in a waiting area.]

Bill: How much longer?

Foreman:  It’s only been three hours.  If it’s the OTD –

Bill: If it’s the OTD?  What if House is wrong, huh?

Foreman: That severe a reaction, it’ll take some time –

Bill: He makes assumptions about people, talks you into things.

Cameron: Mr. Arnello.  He’s awake.  He wants to see you.

[Cut to Bill, walking into Joey’s room.]

Joey: You look like crap.  That’s a joke, see.  I’m sick, I said you look like crap –

Bill: You have no idea what I just went through out there.  You kept getting worse, and Dr. House kept saying all this crap.  If I think you’re normal, then he’s going to keep giving you the medicine, and if you weren’t… [Bill is near tears.]

Joey: Weren’t what? [Bill sits.]  Normal?

Bill: Yeah.  He said you were a fag.  Witness protection, that’s your big chance to be one.

Joey: You believe him?

Bill: I don’t know what to believe.  You were sick.  I had to make a decision.  I thought you were gonna die.

Joey: [sits up] You believed him.  He stopped the medicine.  Here I am.  [pause]  I wanted to talk to you about this –

Bill: There’s nothing to talk about.  You, uh, ordered some Chinese internet health crap, they sent the wrong pills, you took ‘em.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, that, uh, that must be it.  [He lies back down.  Bill walks over to him.]

Bill: You want to testify, go ahead.  I told the doc, he said it’s okay.

Joey: I don’t expect you to understand –

Bill: I don’t.  All I need to know is you’re my brother, Joey.  If you think this thing, whatever, is going to make you happy, I think you should do it.  You should.  [Joey grabs Bill’s hand, and they come to a silent agreement.]

[Cut to House in Cuddy’s office.  For the first time today, Vogler isn’t there!]

Cuddy: Vogler wants to fire you.  Lose the whole department.

House: Good thing you fought for me, though, right?  The dress was a nice move, but you’ve got to follow it up.  Nasty weekend in Vegas, something that shows off your real administrative skills. [He pops a Vicodin.]

Cuddy: He threatened to fire me.  [She sits.]

House: I’m sorry.  So, how long do I have?  I’ve a lot of personal stuff to pack up.  I assume you’re going to want to throw a party.

Cuddy: I told him I know where the bodies are buried, the stuff he needs to know that’s not in the books.  Told him he can’t ditch me.

House: He’s only keeping you on because you know the secret handshakes.  He’s a quick study.  Six months, he’ll have the moves down.  Then he won’t need you any more.

Cuddy: I’ll deal with that then.

House: So I stay.

Cuddy: Yes.  But some things are going to change.

[Cut to House and Wilson in the hallway before Diagnostics.]

House: Profits.  New world order.

Wilson: Huh.

House: Everything’s about profits.

Wilson: Yeah, that’s real new.  You could rent out the Corvette every once in a while, or lend it to a friend.

House: That would be easy, and it would be wrong.

Wilson: But Cuddy stood up for you.

House: To a point.

Wilson: To what point?

House: I gotta do six more clinic hours a month.  So do two of them. [nods to the Ducklings on the other side of the wall]

Wilson: Why only two?

House: ‘Cause one of them’s gone.  I gotta fire somebody.  [House walks into the office, leaving behind a shocked Wilson.  House and Wilson share a look through the glass before Wilson moves on and House starts the day with his team and trusty whiteboard.] Good morning.

[End!]