[We enter a classroom. The sign says that there is an AP calc test going on. The board says there are 20 min remaining. Two girls are cheating using their cell phones and the teacher comes across as a real jerk.]

Girl 1: [#18 B???]

Girl 2:[#18 D!]

Teacher: You, give me that

Girl 1: What are you talking about?

Matt: [calls for teacher]

Teacher: Quiet. [turns to girl] Your phone, young lady.

Girl: I was switching it to silent in case someone called.

Teacher: No. You were cheating.

Girl: Please. Like I need to cheat.

Matt: Lady…

Teacher: I said, wait. [To girl] Give it here

Girl: Sure. [hands it over, says in a loud whisper] Looove the blouse…

Matt: I need to use the bunkroom.

Teacher: The bathroom? Sure. In 19 minutes.

Matt: Can’t do it…

Teacher: You got a friend in the bathroom with answers?

Matt: [looks really sick]

Teacher: Fine. I’ll get you an escort. [Matt stands up]

Matt’s hallucination of his Teacher: Don’t get up till I kill you…

Real Teacher: Don’t stand up.

Girl: Hey… he’s really sick.

Matt: [passes out]

Teacher: [to class] Eyes on your work. [Girl kneels to help unconscious Matt] What is going on?

Girl: Get some help. [To Matt] Are you all right?

Teacher: [Finally has enough sense to grab the phone and call 911]

Credits + The Dreaded Commercials

[The first of many hallway shots]

Foreman:  The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.

House: That’s the way calculus presents.

Foreman:  Severe bradycardia. Heart rates down to 48 and falling fast

House: You know the kid?

Foreman: No.

House: Mom real good looking?

Foreman:  I didn’t notice.

House: Then it’s a mystery. Not why he's sick, but why you care so much. The gift shop’s open, buy him a card.

Foreman:  He's not responding to atropine.

House: Boys love fart jokes. Find him one with a good fart joke. [Pops a Vicodin] He’s a teenager. It’s drugs. Tell those ER geniuses to give him charcoal and naloxone so you’ll stop following me.

Foreman:  His tox screen was negative. He’s still whacked out

House: You don’t care about the kid. You just find his illness “intriguing”.

Foreman:  His CAT scan was clean. There's no sign of infection, and it’s not diabetes.

House: And you don’t care about him.

Foreman:  That’s what you wanna hear. Not in the slightest

House: Me neither. [about the notes] Means we’ll be objective

[Cut to the inside of the office. Cool shot through a clear board that House is writing on]

Cameron: Maybe its shigellosis.

House: Wouldn’t account for the bradycardia.

Chase: Viral myocarditis?

House: Wouldn’t account for the whacked out. So, what’s the differential for the negative tox screen?

Foreman:  He was clean.

Cameron: Unless someone screwed up the test.

House: That never happens.

Chase: Or he OD'd on something we didn’t test for. 1,4-butenediol would give you these symptoms.

Foreman:  That’s new.

House: Copy machine toner. Same punch as GHB. A little pricier, way more dangerous. On the other hand, it is legal. [To Foreman] I want you to go to his house and find his stash. Betcha know all the good hiding spots.

Foreman:  Actually, I never did drugs. [Leaves]

House: [to Cameron] Better go with him, in case he gets high. [to Chase] How much atropine is the kid getting?

Chase: 1 milligram

House: Make it 2. In case he needs his heart later on.

[Cut to Matt’s room. He is very out of it as Chase questions him]

Chase: Matt, did you take any drugs this morning?

Matt: [muttering incoherently] Pencils down…

Chase: [sticks his fingers in Matt’s hands] Can you squeeze my fingers for me? [Matt doesn’t move] Did anyone give you anything to help with the math test? Matt?

Mom: I told you, he doesn’t take drugs.

Chase: Ms. Davis, all parents think that about their children. And they’re usually wrong. I gave my mum a little trouble when I was his age. I turned out ok, even she thought so.

Mom: I know my kid. The fact that you did drugs doesn’t mean he did.

Chase: Did he go anywhere last night?

Mom: No, he was home studying.

Chase: Any friends come over to help him?

Mom: And bring him drugs? Is that what your friends did?

Chase: Ms. Davis…

Mom: Look. I tested him myself. The home kit. I took some hair off his brush… I didn’t want him to know about it, because I do trust him.

Chase: Then why did you test him?

Mom: All he did last night was study and argue about his college interviews. He wants to be himself. No haircut, ratty old clothes, that'll go over big. Then we both gave up and went to bed. That’s it.

Chase: Has he ever had any problems like this before? Any family history of… [Machine beeps. To the nurse] Diazepam, 10 milliliters, stat. [He rolls Matt onto his side]

Mom: What’s going on?

Chase: Just some precautions. [Matt starts seizing. Chase grabs him around the shoulder] He’s seizing. [Nurses rush in, Mom worries; Chase mutters a bunch of stuff from which I only caught “Calm him down”]

[Cut to Matt’s house]

Cameron: This room is way too clean for a teenage boy.

Foreman:  You know why House thinks I’m a druggie?

Cameron: This is gonna be a racial thing, isn’t it?

Foreman:  Same reason he thinks this kid overdosed. When you’re a drug addict, you want to think everyone else is, too.

Cameron: He's not addicted, he has to take drugs.

Foreman:  The definition of addict.

Cameron: He’s in pain--

Foreman:  And addicted to painkillers. What a coincidence.

Cameron: You really never did any drugs?

Foreman:  Now this is gonna be a racial thing.

Cameron: Deflecting a personal question with a joke. Gee, who do I know that does that?

Foreman:  Yeah, I’m just like him. Except for the angry, bitter, pompous, cripple part.

Cameron: Maybe we should all pitch in and get you a nice cane. You’ve already got the matching gym shoes. [Foreman looks at his shoes. Cameron finds a jar in a cabinet] Check this out! Mom’s not too careful with the homemade tomato sauce. When the top sticks out like that it’s a sign of bacterial contamination.

Foreman:  [opens the fridge to find another jar] This one’s open.

[Cut to the lab where Foreman and Cameron are testing the tomato sauce]

House: I am extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs and you come back with tomato sauce. [To Foreman about his shoes] Betcha paid twice as much, I got mine online.

Foreman:  Matt decided to make himself a homemade pizza for a bedtime snack.

Cameron: Source of botulism, as well as a million other toxins that cause gastroenteritis, cardiac symptoms, and mental confusion.

House: I’m not sure about gastroenteritis but mental confusion? Bring it on! [Eats some of the sauce]

Cameron: [makes a noise of disbelief]

House: [Pulls a face] Delicious.

Cameron: Do you have a death wish?

House: .I notice he didn’t try to save me

Foreman:  I figured you were trying to make some kind of subtle point.

House: I was. Kid just started seizing. Not a symptom of food-born toxins.

Foreman:  Also not a symptom of drug use either. Not two hours after admission

House: So what would make him seize… in addition to all his other delightful symptoms.

Cameron: Pesticide poisoning.

Foreman:  Carbonates?

House: Or organophosphates. Organochlorines.

Cameron: Inhalation or absorption?

Foreman:  Too soon to tell.

Cameron: We should wash him down. The poison could still be on his skin.

House: Already told the nurses.

[Cut to scenes of Matt being given what looks like a VERY hot shower. He seems very dead]

[Cut to an Exam Room, with an old lady]

Georgia: I feel… good.

House: That’s your complaint? You major symptom?

Mark: I told her this was a waste of time.

Georgia: I notice colors more. And music. I- I’m really hearing music. I’m eighty-two, and I’m supposed to be playing canasta with the other old ladies, but… now when I see a guy with a cute butt… I just cant stop looking at him. Or a sexy beard.

House: And you figure that enjoying cute butts is a sign of disease?

Georgia: It all started a month ago, when Mark rented “Gone with the Wind” for me. But it had the wrong DVD in it.

Mark: Oh, right I forgot this is all my fault-

Georgia: Of course, he was too busy to bring it back-

Mark: Yeah, like I don’t have a life-

Georgia: So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.

House: Aha.

Georgia: You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.

House: People are always mixing us up.

Georgia: [begins unbuttoning her shirt] I suppose you'll need to check my heart?

House: No! No… that won’t be necessary.

Mark: I told you!

House: But I am going to admit you to the hospital for tests.

Mark: What tests? She’s just old!

House: And you're just insufferable. Your mother has had a sudden personality change, she should be checked out. I’ll have a nurse come to admit her. I’m too handsome to do paperwork.

[Back in Matt’s room…]

Mom: He’s been on this medication for over an hour.

Chase: Pralidoxime is very effective; it just takes a little time for it to kick in.

Mom: Maybe you're wrong; maybe it’s not a pesticide.

Chase: The blood work was pretty conclusive. It's an organophosphate.

[The monitor bleeps, Matt’s heart rate starts to plummet]

Mom: Oh, my God…

Chase: [hurries to the other side of the bed] Get back. Ms. Davis, move back, please. [to the nurse] We're at 30, ready cardiac arrest. Get me the pads.

Mom: What are you doing?

Chase: We're going to beat his heart for him. [he places the pads on Matt’s chest. To nurse] Set it to sixty.

[The nurse sets the machine. We zoom into a CGI of Matt's heart. Heart rate evens out, Matt’s ok (for now), and Chase looks baffled/relieved]

Commercials. Gr.

[In Matt’s room, Mom is crying by his side]

Mom: I can’t stand this anymore…

Chase: We’ll keep him on the pads for another hour.

Mom: Then what?

Chase: Let’s see what happens.

Mom: Well, that’s not my philosophy. Especially when it comes to my son. And if something bad might happen, I’d like to know what our options are.

[In the office]

Chase: The pralidoxime isn't doing him any good, we're going to have to wire his heart.

Cameron: Maybe we're wrong about the pesticides.

Foreman: I ran his plasma twice.

Cameron: Are there any stronger treatments for the organophosphates?

House: Oh, damnit you caught me. Went with the weak stuff, just trying to save a little money.

Foreman: Actually, one of my professors at Columbia developed an experimental treatment for the army.

Cameron: What’s the success rate?

Foreman: They're targeting. There's a different hydrolase treatment for each poison. We need to know if

Matt got hit with orthene or malathion-

Chase: What’s the success rate?

House: Excellent, I’m sure. It’s the US army, “be all you can be”. The point is, what are the kid’s chances without it?

Chase: Minimal at best. The poison’s broken the blood-brain barrier.

House: I assume “minimal at best” is your stiff upper lip British way of saying “no chance in hell”?

Chase: I’m Australian.

House: You put the Queen on your money. You’re British. - [To Foreman] Call your professor.

Chase: If we don’t know what poison we're dealing with we don’t know which hydrolase to ask for. There’s over forty organophosphates-

House and Foreman together: I’ll get all of them. [awkward pause]

Cameron: Great minds think alike.

House: By the time they get here we better know which one we need.

Foreman: If we figure out how he got exposed we’ll figure out what he got exposed to.

House: Well, the mom had homemade tomato sauce. Call me crazy, but I’m thinking maybe… homemade tomatoes?

Foreman: Front yard vegetable garden.

House: Kid’s out there spraying, pretty girl walks by… hormones raging… spray can goes off in his face...

Cameron: I’ll check into it. [Leaves]

Foreman: I’ll make the call. [Leaves]

Chase: I’ll keep the kid alive… For a while at least. [Leaves]

House: I’ll have lunch.

[In Matt’s room, Chase is wiring Matt’s heart]

Chase: Through the superior vena cava… into the right atrium… through the tricuspid valve… and lodging into the wall of the right ventricle.

Nurse: Getting a heart rate of thirty six.

Chase: That won’t do. Get him to fifty.

[The lobby. House has just stepped off the elevator]

Wilson: “The healer with his magic powers… I could rub his gentle brow for hours… His manly chest, his stubble jaw, everything about him leaves me raw-”

House: Psych ward’s upstairs.

Wilson: “-with joy. Oh House, your very name… will never leave this girl the same.” Not bad for an eighty-two year old. She asked me to give that to her true love.

House: What can I say, chicks with no teeth turn me on.

Wilson: That’s… fairly disgusting.

House: And that’s ageism.

Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe. Here are the test results.

House: Impressive. [phone rings]

Cameron: I found the pesticide. It’s disulfoton. And it’s empty. He used the whole can.

House: Okay, I’ll get Chase on it.

[Matt’s room. Chase is preparing to administer the medicine]

Chase: The poison is called disulfoton. This should bond with it and neutralize the poison. Then his nervous system will start sending the right messages to the rest of his body.

Mom: But there was no disul… that stuff in the can.

Chase: The label says disulfoton; I can show you.

Mom: But you didn’t test it.

Chase: You said Matt sprayed with it this morning before school.

Mom: Matt started that garden himself for environmental science class. They weren’t allowed to use pesticides.

Chase: Apparently he cheated a little.

Mom: It was orange peel oil, totally organic. He dumped that other stuff last winter.

Chase: The symptoms fit. There must have been some left in the can.

Mom: If you’re wrong, what will this treatment do to him?

Chase: Well, theoretically it could increase the toxicity and-- But we’re not wrong. [about to inject the medicine into the IV]

Mom: Don’t. [grabs Chase’s arm]

Chase: We’re not wrong.

Mom: I can’t let you do this.

[Walking toward Cuddy’s office]

House: Get a court order. Unless you want to see someone killed by sheer irrationality.

Cuddy: Maternal instinct is always irrational. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

House: Actually… that’s the definition.

Cuddy: It doesn’t mean she’s mentally incompetent

House: She’s risking her son’s life based on a teenager’s claim that he washed something. How mentally incompetent can you get?

Cuddy: That’s a brilliant legal argument.

House: Listen, have your Harvard law dog whip up some high-grade, legal-sounding psycho babble. “Temporary insanity brought on by acute panic distress syndrome,” I don’t care. We have to give him the hydrolase.

Cuddy: Her only sign of mental illness is that she disagrees with you. Some would consider that a sign of sanity.

House: Not the kid, let’s ask him. Oh, I forgot we can’t. He’s dying.

Cuddy: Get the mother to sign off that she’s refusing this treatment.

[Matt’s room. A nurse is there. House has some papers in his hand]

House: [to nurse] Goodbye. [To Ms. Davis from the paper] “I, Margo Davis have been informed of the risks which may arise from my refusal of advised medical care. I here by release-”

Mom: Who are you?

House: I work for hospital. “–the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, its employees agents, and otherwise from any adverse medical conditions resulting from my refusal. It is not the hospital’s fault if my son kicks off.”

Mom: “Kicks off”?

House: I punched up the language; mostly for clarification. “I understand my doctors consider my decision to be completely idiotic-”

Mom: Why are you doing this?

House: “-but I am convinced that I know more than they do. I took a biology course in high school, so… yeah. Besides, I enjoy controlling every single aspect of my son’s life, even if it means his death.” Sign here please. I brought a pen.

Mom: Who are you?

House: I’m the doctor who’s trying to save your son. You’re the mom who’s letting him die. Clarification. It’s a beautiful thing.

[House leaves the room to find Cameron coming around a corner]

House: She rethought her position. Start him on the hydrolase.

Cameron: No. we've got a problem

[Yet another room. We see another dead-looking teenager. Chase goes into intensivist mode]

Chase: On three. One, two, three... [they move the boy]

Foreman: Heart rates 49… O2 stat.

Chase: [puts the stethoscope around his neck] Saline, atropine, and diazepam, now.

[Just outside the room]

Cameron: His names Chi Ling. He was admitted twelve minutes ago. Identical symptoms as Matt. Chase isn’t sure he’s gonna make it.

[Chase sticks a tube down Chi's throat. Cool shots of his lungs. They pump oxygen into him, and his heart rate returns to normal]

House: Matt’s next-door neighbor, by any chance?

Cameron: They live 10 miles apart. Apparently they don’t even know each other.

Commercials. Again. Too many of these things!!

[Chi’s room]

Chi’s Dad: We live in an apartment. We have two bamboo trees, no pesticides. Just dried seaweed for fertilizer.

[A hallway leading to the office]

Chase: The second kid’s heart is almost as weak as Matt’s; were gonna have to get him wired up, too. And I don’t know how long Matt’s brain’s gonna hold up; his hearts not pumping enough oxygen.

House: How much are you giving him?

Chase: Eighty percent.

House: Make it ninety.

Chase: We’re risking damage to his retina.

House: What the heck? Do it anyway. He’s a calculus student, he probably likes having a brain… I’ll have Foreman do it.

Chase: I’m the primary.

House: Yeah, but the mom wants to get rid of you. And you know me, I’m a people-pleasing kind of guy.

Chase: She complained? About me?

House: She went to the principal. Told Cuddy you did drugs in high school. This is gonna go on your permanent record.

Chase: I was trying to get information; it was a strategy.

House: She also used the word “slacker”. Want to come in, smoke a little weed, watch some MTV? [Enters office. Chase isn’t far behind. Cameron is waiting for them]

Cameron: High school has no idea what could have happened.

House: You sure Chi didn’t sneak out of Matt’s tomato patch? Maybe they sniffed disulfoton together to get high.

Cameron: Same school, different grades, different cliques, different everything.

House: They managed to get poisoned together; they must have something in common.

Cameron: Their classes aren’t in the same building. They don’t even eat lunch in the same lunchroom.

House: How do they get to school?

[Parking lot. Lots of busses]

Bus Driver: Unless you’re with the board, the police, or the union, I don’t care who you are.

Cameron: Sir, we need to test the bus for chemical residue.

Bus Driver: And I need to pick up the basketball team. You got a problem with it, call my supervisor.

[Shuts door]

Chase: [Raps sharply on said door, shouts through the glass] Two kids were poisoned on your bus this morning. They’re dying. [Idiot bus driver opens the door]

[Matt’s room]

Mom: My God… the things he said.

Foreman: Dr. House wanted your son to get the medicine he needed. He was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen.

Mom: The wrong kind of medicine.

Foreman: He didn’t know that. At the time it was our only choice.

Mom: He would have known if he'd listened to me.

Foreman: He listened. He just assumed you were wrong. And to be honest, that’s true of most of our patients.

Mom: You're just as pompous and superior as he is!

[By the bus. Chase is showing the driver pictures of the boys]

Bus Driver: Matt is back row right, the Asian kid second or third row left. [To Cameron] Look, I’ve got this rash in kind of my groin region…

Cameron: It’s not a symptom.

Chase: Neither is being obnoxious. Looks like you're in the clear. [Gets on the bus to start testing]

Bus Driver: So who poisoned them?

Cameron: We're not sure yet if it was done on purpose…

Bus Driver: Oh yeah? You should see the little bastards, screaming and punching each other all day long…

Cameron: Did you happen to notice if anyone was doing any spraying near the bus route?

Bus Driver: [shakes head for a moment, realizes] Oh yeah. There was a truck down by the pond or something earlier… smelled kinda funny too.

[Georgia Adams’ Room]

Georgia: Oh! Dr. House!

Mark: Well, it took you long enough. We've been waiting…

House: Could you step outside a minute?

Mark: Why?

House: Because you irritate me.

Georgia: He is my son, doctor. He’s just a little cranky from not eating.

House: Fine. Mrs. Adams, have you had any recent sexual activity?

Mark: What?!

Georgia: Well… I don’t suppose fantasies count…

Mark: Oh, my God…

Georgia: Unfortunately, I’ve hit kind of a dry spell. Only for the last, oh,  I don’t know, 15 years.

Mark: She’s confused. My father died 8 years ago, heart attack.

Georgia: Not in bed, dear. [To House] Why do you ask?

House: Because you have tested positive for syphilis.

Mark: That’s impossible. And insulting!

House: I don’t think it’s the first time Mom’s heard this diagnosis.

Georgia: Cupid’s disease, that what we used to call it.

House: When did you get it?

Georgia: Uh… 1939. Prom night, I think. He had a Chevrolet. It was before I met your father.

Mark: But… Mom… You said dad was your first love.

Georgia: He was. We’re talking about sex. [to House] I was treated.

House: Which suppressed it. In your case, for 60 years. But now it’s back, and the spirochetes that cause syphilis are eating away at your brain cells.

Georgia: Oh… That’s revolting.

House: It’s not as revolting as Chlamydia; that’s got seepage. And it’s the 21^st century. We've got flying cars, talking dogs, and penicillin. High-dose regimen for two weeks, you're cured.

Mark: I don’t believe it.

House: Yeah, well, pinch yourself.

Georgia: I guess for the next two weeks I’d better practice safe sex.

House: You’ll be fine. Just feed that cranky kid.

[the Ducklings come down the hall to find House]

Cameron: The county's worried about West Nile so they sprayed ethyl parathion right next to the bus route.

House: Do you have the hydrolase for ethyl parathion?

Foreman: Yep. Only one problem. Matt’s mom faxed his record to the CDC, and she refuses to let us do anything till she hears back from them.

House: You’re getting good at this God-like doctor thing. Why don’t you talk her out of it?

Foreman: She’s… not a big fan of mine.

Chase: Or mine.

House: Only one man left in the bullpen and he throws like a girl.

Cameron: I hate sports metaphors.

House: Give her the high hard one.

[some room with coffee in it]

Cameron: We really think the hydrolase is the only-

Mom: I’m thinking about transferring Matt out of here.

Cameron: Ms. Davis, your son is very sick. He won’t survive a transfer.

Mom: I’m getting a second opinion from the Center for Disease Control.

Cameron: Right… Look when my grandmother got sick-

Mom: What, you’re gonna tell me some tough decision you had to make?

Cameron: I know how hard this is for you.

Mom: Maybe embroider the story a little, make it fit.

Cameron: I can’t imagine being in your position.

Mom: Honesty. A kind of vulnerable honesty, that’s your thing. And the looks. They send a single woman to hustle the single mother. [starts to leave]

Cameron: Actually, they sent a doctor. To tell you that if your son doesn’t get his treatment, there’s a good chance he’ll die.

Mom: That’s what House said about a treatment that would have killed Matt. You gotta do better than that.

Cameron: No. It’s on you. You gotta do better. Right now, yes or no?

Mom: I don’t know…

Cameron: Figure it out. [walks out]

Mom: Wait!

[Shots of Cameron and Foreman giving the medicine to the boys. Matt starts -guess what- seizing]

Mom: Help!

Chase: Seizing. Suction…

[Foreman and Cameron are running to help Chase, but-]

Chi’s Dad: My son! [Foreman goes to Chi’s room. Cameron follows Chase]

Foreman: Diazepam.

Chase: 10 milligrams.

Foreman: Not responding. Another 10.

Mom: You’re killing him!

Cameron: Get her outta here. Get her outta here!

[Machine starts beeping, heart rates plummets, and Chase looks even more baffled than before. Weird closeup of Mom]

Commercials. Evil!!

[A hallway]

Foreman: Their hearts are barely pumping. Their lungs are shot, now they’re showing liver toxicity.

House: I guess Matt’s mom won’t nominate us for any Doctor of the Year awards.

Foreman: Only explanation is they got poisoned by something other than ethyl parathion. Then the hydrolase would release the neurotoxins instead of bonding with them. [They enter the office]

Cameron: The only thing they have in common is the bus.

House: Except their symptoms. Given their severity, in fact their cardiac symptoms are getting worse much faster than all their other ones, what does that tell us?

Foreman: Poison was probably absorbed through the skin.

House: They were admitted at 8:45 and 11:00. When were they poisoned?

Foreman: Absorption through the skin? Anywhere from 3 to 8 hours.

Cameron: In a case that bad, more like 1 1/2 to 4.

House: So, Matt was poisoned before 7:15. Before he got on the bus.

Cameron: You think each kid got poisoned in his own house? Two separate exposures?

House: What do teenage boys do in the morning? Besides the obvious?

Foreman: Wake up… go to the bathroom, and… the obvious. Then check their zits in the mirror.

House: Do they use the same acne cream?

Cameron: Because acne cream contains lanolin, which could have pesticides, and you're thinking they both bought the same product which-

House: Could be contaminated. Shaving cream?

Foreman: Chi doesn’t look like he shaves.

House: He sweats.

Cameron: Deodorant could contain lanolin.

House: These people have pets?

Foreman: Chi has a dog, Matt has a cat.

Cameron: Fleas, flea powder.

House: Ok. Go to their houses, check for anything that could have touched their skin between the time they got up and the time they got on the bus. And I’m running low on tomato sauce.

[Yet another hallway]

Georgia: Dr. House!

House: I sent you home.

Georgia: I came back. I took a cab so my son wouldn’t try to chaperone us this time.

House: I’m sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.

Georgia: Look, Dr. House, these feelings that’s I’ve been having. Is it all because of the syphilis?

House: Yes.

Georgia: Then here’s the prescription you gave me. [House looks puzzled] Well, it’s not like I’m going to infect anyone.

House: No, but it’ll kill you.

Georgia: Well, you gotta go sometime. And I really don’t want to play canasta for the rest of my life. I… I like feeling sexy again. And making a fool out of myself with handsome young doctors.

House: Do you think I would have given you this if it would stop you from flirting with me?

Georgia: But if I’m cured?

House: The spirochetes will die off. But the little pieces of your cerebral cortex that have been destroyed won’t grow back. You’re brain damaged. Doomed to feeling good for the rest of your life.

Georgia: Oh! Oh… thank you! [Leans to kiss him]

House: Georgia!

Georgia: When I stop being contagious, I’ll come back for a checkup. [Mega-wink]

House: Yeah…

[Alternating between Forman at Matt’s house and Cameron at Chi’s. They’re communicating using their cell phones.]

Foreman: Matt uses Sure.

Cameron: Chi uses Old Spice.

Forman: No zit cream.

Cameron: Lucky kid. Floral air freshener.

Foreman: Doesn’t mater. When’s the last time you heard of a teenage boy using air freshener? Pert shampoo.

Cameron: Johnson’s over here. Matt’s mom would make him use air freshener.

Foreman: There are limits to a mother’s power, even hers.

Cameron: Just check.

Foreman: Negative on the floral.

 [That  hallway again]

Chase: Matt’s ALTs are up to 800. If they get any higher we can toss his liver.

House: [cell phone goes off] Yeah?

Cameron: No matches on flea powder, underarm deodorant…

Foreman: Or any other kind of deodorant.

House: What about shampoo?

Foreman: No to shampoo bar soap, dish soap, dish detergent…

House: What about laundry detergent? Maybe they both washed their clothes this morning?

Cameron: I’ll check

Foreman: If we cure Matt, he can use his close brush with death on his college essays. Admission guys love that stuff.

House: That’s how you got in, right? Jail house diaries?

Cameron: [finds detergent] TKO.

Foreman: TKO. Liquid?

Cameron: Liquid, 128 ounces.

Foreman: 128. Yellow jug. Special-

Cameron: -environmentally safe formula. It’s the same!

House: Bring in the detergent. [hangs up]

Chase: So the detergent was contaminated with pesticides?

House: Soaked into their clothes and got absorbed into their skin… [they enter Chi’s room. His parents are there] Hi, look, the clothes your son wore today. He washed them this morning, right?

Chi’s Dad: What?

House: Nice respectful Asian kid does the laundry.

Chi’s Dad: My wife said he didn’t.

House: Then I’m guessing he washed them last night, without you knowing.

Chi’s Mom: Please. He doesn’t even know how to turn on the machine. And besides, those clothes were new. Nobody washed them.

Chase: His clothes are all new?

Chi’s Mom: The ones he wore today, yes. Never washed.

[Exit House and AussieDuck ]

Chase: Now what?

House: What about Matt’s clothes? They new?

Chase: They're ruddy old jeans, I think. They’ve been bagged up and taken downstairs.

[Somewhere very dark and gated-off. They rummage through bags of clothes]

House: “Davis.”

Chase: Yep they’re Matt’s. And they’re old

House: And yet the label isn’t faded in the slightest. Fake old. 100 dollars for the homeless look. What, kids aren’t pretentious in England?

Chase: Chi's are a different brand, how could they both be contaminated?

House: That is a question for the ages. In the meantime get these tests in.

[The Ducklings run tests in the lab]

[House’s office. House is twirling his cane]

Wilson: I never bother to wash new clothes before I wear them.

House: Right, your wife does. She wants you to feel nice and comfortable.

Wilson: Hey! I’m a man. I don’t have time for laundry, I’m saving lives here. No, she doesn’t wash them either.

House: So your skin absorbs a little dye, the odd chemical here and there…

Wilson: Well, you know me. Always living on the edge. [Enter Foreman and Chase]

House: Judging by the self importance of your strut, you have identified the chemical in question.

Foreman: Phosmet.

House: Hit him with the hydrolase.

Foreman: Chi's parents said yes but-

House: Mighty mom said no. She’s gonna feel like million bucks when Chi lives and her son dies. Send Cameron. She’s the only one who’s managed to talk her into anything.

Chase: Not this time. Matt’s mom won’t do anything until she gets that opinion from the CDC.

Wilson: Godot would be faster…

[Matt’s room. House comes in, sits down, and flicks on his mini-TV. He sets the medicine next to the TV]

Mom: What is this?!

House: Thought I’d hang out in case you change your mind… and I can give Matt the medicine right away. Don’t worry, I’ve got time.

Mom: The CDC promised they'd call.

House: They will. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after. Takes time to review faxed records. Then they’ll probably tell you they can’t make a decision based on faxed records. [points to the TV] This is Suzy. She’s never gonna marry him… no money.

Mom: What makes you think you’re right this time?

House: Same reason as last time. You wanna see how the other kid does first, that’s ok. Might help you. But there’s a real good chance that-

Mom: What? Matt might “kick off”?

House: A little blunt… I was gonna say “run out of time,” or just sort of let my voice trail off… [Mom’s cell goes off]

Mom: Hello? … Yes this is Margo Davis. … But you have his records; I sent them. … Yes, I understand.  [hangs up] They can’t help me.

House: They haven’t seen him. Can’t make a decision based on-

Mom: Give it to him!

[the hallway right outside]

Chase: [hands House a cell phone. In a fake Southern accent-] The CDC is unable to give an opinion at this time, and… we’re gonna have a doctor in your area next week.

House: You fooled her with that?

[Slow progression of shots of the medicine being administered. Everyone waits worriedly]

[Matt’s heart rate goes to normal]

Wilson: House!

[Everyone looks relieved]

[Hopefully the last hallway we see in the episode]

Matt: So I’m gonna be cured?

Cameron: As long as you don’t wear any more poisoned pants.

Matt: I’m sorry, Mom. I knew the pants were stolen… they were only five bucks. You’re gonna give me hell, aren’t you?

Mom: Oh, honey I’m just glad you’re alive. Let’s get you home so you can rest. Maybe I am too hard on you. You don’t have to make up that test till next week. You can stay in bed and work on your applications.

[House’s office]

Foreman: Some guy was selling pants off the back of his truck near the school. When he wasn’t busy as a clothing entrepreneur, he did daily at the cornfield over by route one. Used the same truck for both jobs.

House: Spilled pesticides on the pants, didn’t bother to clean up. So, why are you still here? Why aren’t you out there making up with the joyful mother?

Foreman: Why would I do that?

House: No reason at all, you don’t care about her or her son.

[They wander out the door, run into the Davis’s]

Mom: Oh, Dr. House. The CDC called. Again.

House: Oops.

[House and Foreman turn a corner]

Matt: Who are they?

Mom: Oh, they’re the arrogant jerks that saved your life.

[House and Foreman get in the elevator. The last shot is them looking down at their shoes. Very cute moment]

THE END