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TRANSCRIPT:
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TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. BARRACKS - MORNING

where the HEROES are enjoying a quiet morning when SCHULTZ bangs open the door and clumps into the room.

SCHULTZ
(shouting at them) Achtung! Achtung! Everybody up... get to work... clean this barracks. Raus! Up, up, up! I want everything put away in your foot lockers. I want those windwos washed inside and out. I want that floor swabbed down, I want those walls scrubbed up...

During the above Schultz has opened his top coat which is lined with pockets inside. He takes out canned goods, packaged meats, cheese, sausage, etc., and piles them on the bale. LeBeau, Carter and Newkirk quickly put them out of sight. Kinch is standing watch at the door. He turns to Schultz.

KINCH
Okay, Schultz, all clear outside.

Schultz gratefully plops down at the table, mopping his brow.

SCHULTZ
What a day... more sergeants at the supply depot than at the front.

HOGAN has come out of his quarters.

HOGAN
Where's the pumpernickle?

SCHULTZ
I put it where it wouldn't get squashed. (he reaches inside his top coat and gropes around in the back) I got it here someplace. (half rises and reaches a little lower down) I was afraid it might get smashed so I put it back here... (now takes out a flattened loaf of pumpernickle and finishes lamely) ... where it wouldn't.

He sheepishly hands the flat loaf to Hogan.

CARTER
Hey, a pumpernickle pizza.

SCHULTZ
(laughs uproariously) Pumpernickle pizza. That's a good one, hey, Colonel?

Hogan looks at him unsmiling, takes the bread and goes into his quarters. Newkirk follows him.

LeBEAU
How about a little snack, Schultzie?

SCHULTZ
(false hesitation) Oh... I really shouldn't... but just to be sociable.

From his pocket Schultz brings out a rolled napkin with a knife, fork and spoon inside. He tucks the napkin under his chin.

SCHULTZ
(continuing) Aren't you boys having something, too?

CARTER
That depends on how much you eat.

LeBeau begins to prepare a snack, as we:

CUT TO:

INT. HOGAN'S QUARTERS - DAY - HOGAN AND NEWKIRK

Hogan has broken open the pumpernickle. In the center of the loaf is a four-by-four photograph.

HOGAN
The Breadman came through again.

Newkirk pries up a section of Hogan's desk. He flips it over to reveal a series of 4x4 photographs pieced together to form an almost complete picture of the west wall fortifications. There are still two blank spaces to be filled in. One near the center, the other to the side.

NEWKIRK
That one fits right here.

He points to the space on the side. Hogan nods.

HOGAN
That leaves just one more piece in this jigsaw puzzle.

NEWKIRK
When can the Breadman deliver it?

HOGAN
(looks at back of photo) Final delivery next Friday.

NEWKIRK
Four more days and we'll have a complete picture of the German west wall.

HOGAN
And then our friendly RAF will make sure the wall comes tumbling down.

Hogan attaches the photo to the composite, and we:

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BARRACKS - DAY

The Heroes are eating as Hogan and Newkirk come in from Hogan's quarters.

HOGAN
Where's Schultz?

LeBEAU
Sleeping off his lunch.

He indicates a lower bunk where Schultz has crumped out. He's blissfully asleep, smiling contentedly.

CARTER
I wonder what he's dreaming about?

HOGAN
His dinner.

Door bursts open and GENERAL BURKHALTER, flanked by TWO GUARDS, stomps in.

GUARD #1
Achtung!

HOGAN
General Burkhalter! What a surprise.

BURKHALTER
It's supposed to be a surprise. I like to drop in and inspect camp security, especially when Colonel Klink is out.

HOGAN
(sharply) Let's show a little respect for the General, men. Tenhut! Dress left... dress!

The others snap to attention, then slide to the left to conceal the napping Schultz.

HOGAN
(continuing) Pardon the breach of military etiquette, sir, but the men aren't used to having generals sneaking in on them... although you weren't really sneaking, you were surprising us... and you certainly did, didn't he?

The others all nod in agreement as we HEAR a snore coming from Schultz.

NEWKIRK
I've never been so surprised in my life.

CARTER
Me, too. You caught us red-handed... of course, there wasn't anything to catch us doing because we weren't doing anything... and it's a good thing because we would've been caught red-handed... which we all know we weren't, but what a surprise if we were.

BURKHALTER
(suspiciously, to Hogan) Why is he so nervous?

CARTER
I'm not nervous. I'm just surprised.

At this point, Schultz mumbles, snorts and sighs as he rolls over on his side. Burkhalter simply motions them to move over. They have nothing else to do but comply and reveal the sleeping Schultz.

BURKHALTER
And just what is this?

HOGAN
I think that's what we call a Schultz.

Guard #1 prods Schultz with his rifle.

BURKHALTER
On your feet! Get up, dumpkopf, get up!

Schultz blinks, then springs off the bunk to rigid attention.

SCHULTZ
General Burkhalter! What are you doing here?

BURKHALTEr
First, suppose you tell me what you were doing there?

SCHULTZ
Well...

BURCKHALTER
(on top) You're lying!

SCHULTZ
(nodding) Yes. But you see...

BURKHALTER
Enough! I don't want to hear any more of your lies.

SCHULTZ
That was the only one I had.

BURKHALTER
Sergeant Schultz, evidently your memory is failing. It seems you've forgotten which side you're on.

SCHULTZ
(positively) Oh, I'm on our side.

BURKHALTER
But you have trouble remembering who's on their side.

SCHULTZ
(quickly, firmly) The enemy.

BURKHALTER
Excellent, Schultz. Your memory isn't altogether gone. A transfer to the Russian front will completely restore it.

SCHULTZ
(quaking) The... Russian... front?

BURKHALTER
It works wonders for memory failures. In just a few days you won't be able to forget the enemy. Guards!

Burkhalter exits. Schultz, a guard on either side of him, follows in a trance-like state.

CUT TO:

INT. ESCAPE TUNNEL - DAY

Kinch is at the transmitter just adjusting the headset. Hogan and the others gather around him.

HOGAN
Tell the Breadman we can't wait until Friday. We've got to have that picture delivered by tomorrow.

KINCH
What if he can't do it?

HOGAN
Then we'll have to work out another delivery system.

KINCH
Schultz is our only link with the supply depot.

CARTER
Yeah, and when he's gone you know where that leaves us.

HOGAN
Yeah, stuck with a missing link.

NEWKIRK
Maybe we could hold up Schultz's transfer... at least until after we get the picture.

HOGAN
Klink has to sign it to make it official. If he doesn't, Schultz stays.

LeBEAU
And if Burkhalter finds out... Klink goes.

HOGAN
We'll just have to make sure Burkhalter doesn't find that out.

Hogan exits.

CUT TO:

INT. KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY

Where COLONEL KLINK is at his desk frantically trying to catch up on a pile of back paperwork. The office door opens and Hogan looks in.

HOGAN
Busy, Colonel?

KLINK
(curtly) Very busy, Hogan. I've got work to do and I don't want any interruptions today.

HOGAN
Right you are, sir. (turns and calls o.s.) Hilda!

HILDA
(coming to door) Yes?

HOGAN
The Kommandant is not to be disturbed. No calls, no visitors, and no interruptions no matter who. And that's an order!

HILDA
Yes, Herr Kommandant... Colonel Hogan...

Hogan closes door and goes up to Klink's desk.

HOGAN
No one's going to be bothering you now.

KLINK
Except you.

HOGAN
Me? I'd be the last one to ever bother you.

KLINK
I know... you're always the first one. I told you, Hogan, I do not want to be disturbed.

HOGAN
Quite so, and let me assure you, sir, I'm not here to disturb you.

KLINK
I feel disturbed.

HOGAN
I feel that way too. I want you to tell me it isn't true. I want you to tell me you had no part in this. I want you to tell me the whole thing is a vicious lie.

KLINK
Of course it is. (then, confused) What is?

HOGAN
Schultz is being transferred to the Russian front and the men are saying it's your doing.

KLINK
(shocked) Schultz? The Russian front? When did this happen?

HOGAN
When you were in town. I was sure you wouldn't do that to a man who claims you're the finest officer in the Luftwaffe... a faithful, loyal comrade like Schultz.

KLINK
Russian front? A target like Schultz wouldn't have a chance.

There's a KNOCK at the door. Schultz, chin up but trembling, marches in.

SCHULTZ
I am sorry to interrupt, Herr Kommandant...

But Klink is all warmth as he crosses to Schultz and claps him affectionately on the shoulder.

KLINK
You're not interrupting, Schultz. Always good to see and old comrade. What can I do for you?

SCHULTZ
Nothing. Ther's nothing anybody can do. I think you are supposed to sign this.

Schultz hands Klink his transfer.

KLINK
What is it?

SCHULTZ
It is an order for my transfer to... (breaking) ... the Russian front. Herr Kommandant, I am in very bad health. My heart, my back, my head... a bullet in any of those places could be fatal.

HOGAN
Schultz, Colonel Klink wouldn't dream of losing his best sergeant.

SCHULTZ
But what about me?

HOGAN
That is you. Am I right, sir?

KLINK
A... yes, that's right.

HOGAN
The Kommandant writes the orders in this camp and no one else. Correct, sir?

KLINK
Absolutely.

SCHULTZ
I don't have to go?

HOGAN
You heard the Kommandant. Now back to your post.

Klink puts his arm around Schultz and walks out of the office with him.

KLINK
So you make a few stupid mistakes. And you're lazy. And too fat. And you sleep on duty. Still, you're a likeable clod.

They cross in to the outer office.

INT. KLINK'S OUTER OFFICE - ANOTHER ANGLE

SCHULTZ
I thought I was your best sergeant.

KLINK
You are, Schultz. I've never had another one like you.

HOGAN
I think we ought to just tear up those orders right now, don't you, sir.

KLINK
By the way, Schultz, who...

HOGAN
(cuts him off) Colonel, how about a picture of you and Schultz?

CUT TO:

EXT. COMPOUND - DAY

KLINK
A picture? I've got a lot of work to do, Hogan.

HOGAN
This will only take a second. Just a quick shot of you tearing up that transer. I think that would be a nice touch.

KLINK
How about this? (he puts his arm around Schultz and gives him the orders) We'll let Schultz tear these up.

HOGAN
Fine, fine.

KLINK
All right, Schultz, tear up those idiotic orders.

SCHULTZ
(happily) Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. I'd like to see General Burkhalter's face when he hears about this.

KLINK
When General Burkhalter hears about what? What?

SCHULTZ
That we tore up his orders.

Schultz starts to tear them up. Klink yells hysterically.

KLINK
Drop those papers or I'll have you shot.

SCHULTZ
But you told me...

KLINK
Never mind what I told you... just do what I tell you... and no pictures, Hogan.

HOGAN
That's all right, I don't have a camera anyway.

KLINK
When was the General here?

HOGAN
This morning. He came sneaking in for a surprise security check.

KLINK
Is he still here?

Burkhalter and the guards have come up behind Klink and Schultz at the door. Hogan, looking beyond Klink, nods.

HOGAN
Uh-huh.

KLINK
How do you know?

HOGAN
I can see him.

KLINK
What is he doing?

HOGAN
He's standing behind you.

KLINK
(whirls around, nervously babbling) Hello, General Burkhalter. I must say, sir, these surprise inspections of yours never fail to surprise me. No, indeed not. Very wise tactic, I must say. It really keeps us on our toes, doesn't it, Schultz?

BURKHALTER
He can't even keep on his feet. Did you get the orders for his transfer, Klink?

KLINK
Yes, I did and...

Realizes his arm is still around Schultz and pulls away from him, snapping:

KLINK
(continuing) Keep your hands off me, you clod! I had the same idea myself, General, and I was delighted with your suggestion.

BURKHALTER
To the Fuehrer I make suggestions... to you I make orders... which I suggest you carry out at once.

KLINK
I will... that is, I have. The orders are already signed... (slaps hand with torn papers) ... sealed... (slaps hand with papers) ... and delivered. (hits hand with papers, then points them at Schultz) He'll be on his... (now realizes what's in his hand and thrusts both hands behind his back) Tell me, General, how does our camp security look?

BURKHALTER
I can't say yet. If Schultz is any example of your men...

KLINK
(hastily) He isn't, let me assure you of that. I consider him a disgrace to that uniform. I don't know how he ever got to be a sergeant. I don't know how he ever got in the Luftwaffe...

BURKHALTER
I don't know how he ever got to be a German.

HOGAN
Maybe he lied about his age.

KLINK
Hogan! (to General) At least you haven't lost your sense of humor.

BURKHALTER
I never had one. (then, pointedly) I'll be around, Klink.

KLINK
(saluting) Yes, sir... so will I.

BURKHALTER
We'll see, we'll see.

Burkhalter, flanked by his two guards, walks away.

HOGAN
Colonel, I've got to hand it to yu. That was as fine a piece of acting as I've ever seen. You played the cringing bootlicker to perfection.

KLINK
I am a cringing bootlicker... that is, I wasn't acting, Hogan.

HOGAN
You aren't going to sign that transfer?

KLINK
I am simply obeying orders.

HOGAN
Colonel, if you sign that, you'll be sending a man to certain death.

KLINK
True... and if I don't sign, I'll be sending two of us there. Schultz, about face!

Schultz turns about and Klink uses his back to sign the papers.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BARRACKS - DAY

LeBeau sits at the table making out the last shopping list Schultz will be filling for them.

LeBEAU
Two cans asparagus... four jars of caviar... two canned hams... four bottles of Cognac... anything else we need?

NEWKIRK
You're giving Schultz a pretty big order, aren't you?

LeBEAU
But who knows when we'll find another supply sergeant like him?

KINCH
Still and all, he can only carry so much under his top coat.

LeBEAU
He can make two trips.

CARTER
Or wear two top coats.

Door opens and Hogan comes in. His expression announces bad news.

NEWKIRK
Any luck with Klink?

HOGAN
Yeah, all bad. Looks like this operation is indefinitely postponed.

They react.

HOGAN
(continuing) Schultz is confined to quarters until he ships out.

LeBEAU
Such a delicious shopping list I had for him.

KINCH
I'd better contact the Breadman and cancel tomorrow's delivery.

HOGAN
Can he get us that photo by tomorrow?

KINCH
That's what the underground said.

HOGAN
(thinking) There must be a way we can get at that supply depot. Klink's really busy now so he absolutely can't be interrupted.

NEWKIRK
So what do we do?

HOGAN
Interrupt him.

CUT TO:

INT. KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY

where Klink, once again frantic and irritable, fights the pile of work on his desk. He picks up the inter-office phone.

KLINK
Hilda! Come in here. I'm going to need help with this paperwork.

Klinks slams down the phone and returns to feverish activity. The office door opens and Hogan enters, closing door behind him. Without looking up, Klink says:

KLINK
(continuing) Did you bring your pad?

HOGAN
No, I left it on my bunk.

KLINK
Hogan!

HOGAN
This will only take a second, sir. Just sign this.

Hogan puts a paper on the desk. Klink hastily signs it. Hogan takes the paper and starts out. As Hogan reaches the door, Klink, eyes still on his work, says:

KLINK
Halt! What was that paper I signed?

HOGAN
Just the list of men who drew your work detail tomorrow. Newkirk, Kinch, LeBeau and Carter.

KLINK
(nods, satisfied) Oh.

HOGAN
Remember, these men are being punished, so don't be afraid to make them work.

KLINK
I'll make them work, all right. I'll have... (then, puzzled) What kind of work are they supposed to be doing?

HOGAN
Helpingyou load the supplies for the officer's club.

KLINK
Schultz is the supply sergeant.

HOGAN
He was, sir. You've confined him to quarters.

KLINK
Oh, yes. Well, I'll just have to find a replacement.

HOGAN
It won't be easy to find another man like Schultz.

KLINK
No, they're all at the Russian front.

HOGAN
Okay, so he made mistakes. One thing you could depend upon was his honesty. Sergeant Schultz was a man you could trust.

KLINK
Yes, I give him credit for that. I always could trust Schultz. He was too stupid to be dishonest.

HOGAN
Which is more than you can say for your other men. Those Krauts are the biggest thieves I've ever seen.

KLINK
That isn't true.

HOGAN
Look what they stole from France.

KLINK
(musing) Yes. Took everything but the Eifel Tower. But that was the SS, not the Luftwaffe.

HOGAN
Seen Goering's art collection lately?

KLINK
You're right! I make one of those guards supply sergeant and there won't be a salted herring left for the officer's club.

HOGAN
You may not even have an officer's club. There's only one man you can really trust.

KLINK
Who?

HOGAN
Colonel Wilhelm Klink.

KLINK
He's as crooked as the rest of them. (then, reacts) ... I am the only one I can trust.

HOGAN
Certainly. And you'll be right there to keep an eye on yourself. I'll have the work detail report to you at 0900 minus 10.

KLINK
Fine, fine. (then, bewildered) When?

HOGAN
Ten minutes to nine.

KLINK
Good, that's even better.

Hogan exits.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SUPPLY DEPOT - DAY - (STAGE)

Kinch, LeBeau, Carter, each carrying a carton, come up to Newkirk who stands at the rear of a van. They all wear top coats. Two soldiers stand guard. LeBeau kneels, opens the carton and holds up a can.

LeBEAU
Sliced peaches. 24 cans.

NEWKIRK
All right, put it in the van.

LeBeau, still with the can in his hand, takes the carton and puts it in the rear of the truck. Carter whips open his top coat and we see he has several gunny sacks hooked to his belt. LeBeau drops the can into one of the sacks.

NEWKIRK
(continuing) Okay, Kinch!

Kinch kneels, opesn a carton as Hogan and Klink come into the scene.

HOGAN
I'm sure the men will think twice before they break any more regulations. You've really worked them today.

KLINK
I'm a firm believer in discipline. I'm strict, but I do think I'm fair.

HOGAN
No question about it. You made them sweat today.

KLINK
I hope I wasn't too... why are they all wearing coats?

HOGAN
Have to be careful of pneumonia. Let's keep going, men. The Kommandant's still got a lot to pick up.

KLINK
(looking over a clipboard) We've gotten everything on the list.

A German BAKER comes out with a basket of bread loaves. Hogan looks it over.

HOGAN
(sotto) Where is it?

THE BAKER
Is it safe?

HOGAN
It's now or never. (loud) Where is Colonel Klink's pumpernickle?

THE BAKER
I'll bring it right out.

He exits.

KLINK
We don't need any pumpernickle, Hogan.

HOGAN
Of course you do. Pumpernickle is a very German bread.

KLINK
We don't need it, Hogan... and I hate pumpernickle.

HOGAN
Aren't you being rather selfish? What about the other officers?

KLINK
If they want it, they can bring their own.

HOGAN
What if some high ranking officers come into the club and want pumpernickle?

KLINK
High ranking officers don't come to our officer's club.

HOGAN
What do you expect without a scrap of pumpernickle in the place?

"The Breadman" comes out and gives Hogan a loaf of pumpernickle.

HOGAN
(continuing) Thank you.

KLINK
I'm not getting somethign we don't need. In the truck, Hogan.

Klink takes the loaf from Hogan and gives it back to the Breadman.

HOGAN
(taking the bread) I happen to know General Burkhalter is crazy about pumpernickle. Nwo when he goes to dinner at the oficer's club and finds out...

Klink snatches the pumpernickle away from Hogan again.

KLINK
General Burkhalter had dinner at the officer's club two years ago and he hasn't been back since. Now in the truck or in the cooler. (to the Breadman as he hands him back the bread) Dismissed!

Hogan gives the others a helpless shrug and they start to clamber in the rear of the truck.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOGAN'S OFFICE - DAY

where Hogan and the Heroes are discussing the pumpernickle problem.

NEWKIRK
We could break into the supply depot.

HOGAN
No chance. You saw all the guards.

KINCH
One lousy loaf of pumpernickle between us and the German west wall.

HOGAN
(thinking) If we could keep Schultz here... and General Burkhalter saw the kind of soldier he really is...

LeBEAU
He saw that yesterday.

HOGAN
No, he saw what Schultz has become. What about the man inside?

CARTER
He ate somebody?

HOGAN
What Burkhalter has to see is the old Sergeant Schultz. The man who held the respect of this entire camp. The tough fighting machine who just snapped his fingers and you jumped.

KINCH
Schultz? Our Schultz?

HOGAN
That's what he was like five years ago. Obviously he's suffering from some deep emotional problem. A problem only the famous psychiatrist Bruno Von Schramm could solve.

NEWKIRK
Sir, you haven't been there five years. How would you know what Schultz was like?

HOGAN
Overheard the entire story... as I was telling it to you. We have to show General Burkhalter the old Schultz.

NEWKIRK
How do we do that?

HOGAN
I'll leave that to you... Doctor von Schramm.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. KLINK'S QUARTERS

Klink is eating lunch, Hogan talks to him.

HOGAN
Colonel, what are we going to do about Schultz?

KLINK
(eating) Is that why you disturbed me at lunch?

HOGAN
You're putting it away pretty good for a man who's disturbed... You want to help Schultz, don't you?

KLINK
Hogan, I've done all I can for him. I've spoken to General Burkhalter...

HOGAN
When?

KLINK
When he told me to sign an order transferring Schultz to the Russian front.

HOGAN
What did you say?

KLINK
I simply said, "General Burkhalter, here it is." Now get out of here, Hogan.

HOGAN
(shrugs) It's your neck.

Hogan starts to leave.

KLINK
And you will stay out of my quarters until... What's my neck?

HOGAN
Skip it, Colonel. It's not really that important.

KLINK
My neck is very important... what did you mean?

HOGAN
Schultz is being transferred because Burkhalter thinks he's a bad soldier.

KLINK
He is a bad soldier. What does Schultz have to do with my neck?

HOGAN
I'm sure you remember the old Prussian saying... "A soldier is only as good as the officer he serves." I don't buy it myself, but an old Prussian might.

KLINK
(uneasily) An old Prussian like Burkhalter, you mean?

HOGAN
(nods) Of course, there's a good chance he hasn't heard the saying.

KLINK
There's a better chance that he said it.

HOGAN
Sure sounds like him, doesn't it? A soldier is only as good as the officer he serves. That's Burkhalter, all right.

KLINK
That's the sort of thing he'd say to me.

HOGAN
And I'm sure he will. Today the Sergeant... tomorrow the Kommandant.

KLINK
(confidently) No, no, Burkhalter wouldn't transfer me to the Russian front because of Schultz. That just wouldn't be right. It would be grossly unfair... unjust...

HOGAN
Yes, it would.

KLINK
(mournfully) Today the Sergeant... tomorrow the Kommandant. Hogan, what am I going to do?

HOGAN
Convince Burkhalter to give Schultz another chance to prove himself the kind of soldier he really is.

KLINK
He's already seen that. Waht we want to show him is the kind of soldier Schultz really isn't.

HOGAN
Yeah. That's it. A great idea, Colonel.

KLINK
I have my moments of brilliance. Now why don't you have one and tell me just how we do that.

HOGAN
Doctor von Schramm, of course. Bruno von Schramm.

KLINK
(nods) Ohhhh. (then, blankly) Who's Bruno von Schramm?

HOGAN
I read about him. He's the most famous psychiatrist in Germany... (then, curiously) You are German, aren't you?

KLINK
What does a psychiatrist have to d with Schultz?

HOGAN
Doctor von Schramm does miracles with hypnosis. He can create a new personality...

During above, Hogan has used Klink's phone to call the operator.

HOGAN
(continuing) Operator, I'd like to speak to Doctor von Schramm in Bremmerheim. May I use your phone, Colonel? (aside to Klink) I hope he makes prison camp calls. Doctor von Schramm? One moment, please... Colonel Wilhelm Klink is calling. (hands receiver to Klink) Try to sound important.

Klink takes the receiver, draws himself up, then says importantly:

KLINK
Colonel Wilhelm Klink speaking, Doctor. Kommandant of Stalag 13. (surprised) Yes, that's the place. That's right. (aside to Hogan) He's heard of me. He's very impressed. (laughs modestly) I'd hardly call myself a war hero, Doctor... unsung is really more like it. Yes, I have a problem with one of my key men and I need your help. I know this is a little out of your way...

CUT TO:

INT. TUNNEL

Newkirk is at the switchboard, talking to Klink.

NEWKIRK
As a matter of fact, it isn't, Colonel. I expect to be in your area all day. One of your Gestapo officers is showing signs of decency... obviously insane.

CUT TO:

INT: KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY

Newkirk enters. Schultz lies stiffly on the couch. Klink hurries over to greet the distinguished doctor.

NEWKIRK
Sergeant, how do you feel? Are you comfortable? Relaxed?

Schultz remains stiff as a board.

SCHULTZ
Very relaxed and comfortable. What are you going to do to me, Herr Doctor?

NEWKIRK
I am going to find a man.

SCHULTZ
What man?

NEWKIRK
A very brave man, strong, intelligent. A fighting man...

SCHULTZ
Around here?

Newkirk takes out a medallion on a chain and swings it before Schultz's eyes.

NEWKIRK
I want you to watch this medallion. Watch it swing, back and forth, back and forth. See it swinging back and forth. Your eyes are heavy. You are very tired. So tired. Your eyes are closing. Let them close and let yourself fall into a deep, deep sleep. (turns to Klink) He'll be completely...

As Newkirk turns to Klink, Klink has fallen sound asleep.

NEWKIRK
(continuing) Colonel Klink. Colonel Klink!

KLINK
(getting to his feet) Sorry I dozed off... did I miss anything?

NEWKIRK
I'm about to give him a post hypnotic suggestion. He'll be a new man when he awakens. Schultz, can you hear me?

SCHULTZ
Yes. You said I'll be a new man when I awaken. Am I asleep?

NEWKIRK
Certainly you're asleep. You're in a very deep hypnotic sleep.

SCHULTZ
Jawohl, Herr Doctor.

Schultz's eyes snap shut, his head falls over on his shoulder and he's out.

KLINK
I can't say he's gotten any smarter.

NEWKIRK
Believe me, Colonel, you won't know he's the same man. If you aren't amazed at the results, my name isn't Bruno Schramm.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY - (STOCK)

Burkhalter's car arrives and the General enters Klink's office.

INT. BARRACKS - FOLLOWING MORNING

Schultz clumps in to muster them out for roll call. His attitude is that of a doomed man. In a weary, resigned voice, he says:

SCHULTZ
Achtung. Achtung. Everyone out for roll call... Raus, raus!

The Heroes are out of bed and scrambling for caps and coats, as Schultz exits. Carter raps on Hogan's door.

CARTER
Roll call, Colonel Hogan.

Door opens and Hogan comes out. The Heroes gather round.

HOGAN
Okay, fellows - you know what to do.

KINCH
Don't worry, we'll make Schultz look good.

HOGAN
Newkirk, did you get the packages?

NEWKIRK
Done, sir.

HOGAN
All right - let's prove Doctor von Schramm is the greatest hypnotist of all time.

They all rush out.

CUT TO:

EXT. BARRACKS - DAY

Schultz is standing in front of the barracks as the men come charging out.

SCHULTZ
(in normal voice) Fall in.

CARTER
Okay, Schultz, we aren't deaf.

NEWKIRK
Give us half a chance, will you, big fella.

KINCH
You're a regular tiger this morning, Schultz. I mean, Sergeant Schultz.

SCHULTZ
Me? A tiger?

LeBEAU
Don't tell me you're starting to take this war seriously.

HOGAN
Don't argue with him. Just obey his orders.

NEWKIRK
You may be a German Sergeant, but you don't have to act like one.

SCHULTZ
Maybe it's time I did act like one. All right - straighten up.

HOGAN
Next thing you know, he'll want to inspect the barracks.

SCHULTZ
That's exactly what I'm going to do --- right after roll call... eyes front.

CUT TO:

INT. KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY

where Burkhalter, looking more sour than usual, stands at the window with Klink.

KLINK
(points excitedly) There, General... what do you see over there?

BURKHALTER
Prisoners mustering for a roll call.

KLINK
That's Hogan's barracks. They're thirty seconds early.

BURKHALTER
What of it?

KLINK
They've never been early before. They haven't even been on time before. This is an event, General.

BURKHALTER
Klink, I'm sure this is a proud moment in your military career, but if you got me up just for that... it is also the end of it. (re: window) Klink! What's that fathead Schultz doing out there?

KLINK
Being the good German soldier he once was... there's an old Prussian saying... "A soldier is only as good as the officer her serves."

EXT. COMPOUND - DAY

where Schultz is just finishing the roll call.

SCHULTZ
(real gung ho) Newkirk

NEWKIRK
Yo!

They all stand stiffly at attention. Schultz is having a large time of this.

SCHULTZ
All right, men... at ease.

They snap into ease position. Schultz begins to consult his clipboard.

SCHULTZ
(continuing) There will be sick call at 1000 hours. That's ten o'clock.

He looks at his clipboard again. Kinch mutters to Hogan.

KINCH
Do you think we've created a monster?

Schultz glances up sharply.

SCHULTZ
Who was talking? (no reply) The man who was talking will take one step forward.

They all take one step forward.

SCHULTZ
(continuing) Everybody was talking? Then let's all do some walking. Close order drill for one hour, after barracks inspection.

They come to attention. Hogan mutters to Kinch.

HOGAN
Yes, I think we have created a monster.

CUT TO:

INT. KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY - BURKHALTER, KLINK AND HOGAN

Schultz stands by with a carton filled with cigarettes, nylons, candy, cigars, liquor, etc.

HOGAN
Colonel Klink, I wish to charge Sergeant Schultz with grand theft.

SCHULTZ
Kommandant, I have stolen nothing.

HOGAN
What do you call all that stuff in the box?

SCHULTZ
Suspicious looking articles.

HOGAN
Funny only things you could eat, drink or sell looked suspicious.

SCHULTZ
That was funny. (sets carton on Klink's desk) I found these things hidden in the barracks during my expert inspection.

Burkhalter and Klink remove some of the items.

BURKHALTER
What have we here? (takes out a box of cigars) Well! (sniffs one) Very fine cigars.

SCHULTZ
Knowing the General smokes cigars... I thought you might try a few to see if they're real.

HOGAN
Yes... they could be anything. Saw blades, files, secret messages.

Burkahlter tucks the box of cigars under his arm.

BURKHALTER
I'll check them out immediately. That's using your head, Schultz.

KLINK
(takes out two cheeses) What's this? Cheese?

SCHULTZ
That's what it looks like. But knowing what a gourmet the General is...

BURKHALTER
(takes the cheese) I'll take it.

HOGAN
Why don't you check it out at lunch?

SCHULTZ
Why not just take the c arton. You can check the brandy after dinner... Mrs. Burkahlter could wear the silk stockings and see if they're real...

Burkhalter puts cigars and cheeses back in the carton.

BURKHALTER
You've got a good man here, Klink.

KLINK
One of the best.

HOGAN
He said he would search the barracks every week.

SCHULTZ
I did?

HOGAN
Yes, and I resent it.

BURKHALTER
You've got an excellent idea, Sergeant... no telling what you might find.

SCHULTZ
Jawohl, Herr General.

BURKHALTER
I'll send you a list of things to look for.

KLINK
What about the transfer?

BURKHALTER
You would transfer a good man like this? Nonsense! Forget it.

Burkhalter sticks a cigar in his mouth. Offers one to Hogan.

HOGAN
No, thanks. That might be the one that explodes.

Klink and Schultz both hold lighted matches as Burkhalter quickly takes the cigar out of his mouth.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. COMPOUND - DAY

Heroes are slumped against the wall of the barracks, all look exhausted. Schultz comes thundering around the corner of the barracks.

SCHULTZ
(bellowing) Achtung! Achtung! Raus! Raus! I need four volunteers for the work detail.

CARTER
Okay, we'll go find you four.

SCHULTZ
I think I've already found them. (pointing to each one) You, you, you and you.

LeBEAU
We just got finished with a work detail.

SCHULTZ
That's why I picked you, you're experienced men. (laughs) Hey, that's pretty good, huh?

HOGAN
Now just a moment, Sergeant. According to the rules of the Geneva Convention...

SCHULTZ
Don't bother telling me the rules because I don't even know how to play the game.

HOGAN
These men are exhausted. I will not allow them to do any more work today.

SCHULTZ
I'm not going to unload the supplies for the officer's club by myself.

HOGAN
Supplies? That's different. Come on, you guys. You've been resting long enough.

SCHULTZ
Thank you, Colonel. Maybe a little later we can get together for a snack.

HOGAN
Fine, Schultz, but I'm afarid we're all out of pumpernickle.

SCHULTZ
I got the last loaf and this time I didn't sit on it. I kept it safe and sound right under here.

Schultz puns the slight bulge under his top coat, then unhappily realizes what's he's done as he takes out the flattened loaf of bread and hands it to Hogan.

FADE OUT.

END OF EPISODE

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