COLD OPEN
EXT SPACE
The Luxan ship motors through deep space, a large star in lower frame, still towing the module on a long umbilical.
INT LUXAN FIGHTER
Close on Noranti's hands, she's kneading a small mass of something between her palms. Pan L to John sitting in the co-pilot's seat-- his notebook braced against an upraised knee, attention focused there.
JOHN:
No sign of Moya yet?
Pan right to D'Argo, the old woman still working on whatever concoction, Rygel crouched beside her.
D'ARGO:
Nothing. No response on the comms.
RYGEL:
So, why don't we land? I am starving. Isn't that a planet out there?
View from the forward portals shows a planet in near proximity, a deep reddish hue backlit by the unseen sun.
D'ARGO:
Hot and lifeless. Do you eat rock?
RYGEL:
Hm.
CHIANA:
Right now? I think I could.
Girls take the opportunity to snipe, sitting opposite of each other on the opposing benches along the sides of the rear compartment.
SIKOZU:
You ate only three solar days ago. How inefficient is your body?
CHIANA:
How edible... is yours? I can see there's not much meat on there, but I'm sure there's a lot of chew on your noggin.
Rygel passes gas.
JOHN:
( helium voice )
Oh, damn. How do you roll a window down in this place? I should've stayed on the module.
D'ARGO:
( helium voice )
Should have left him on the module.
RYGEL:
( helium voice )
Ohh. I need food.
Noranti 'spits' a huge glop of viscious mess into her palm, rolling it into the mess already residing there.
JOHN:
( helium voice )
We all need food, Buckwheat.
( voice slowly reverts to normal )
You don't hear the rest of us fumigating the joint.
The old woman offers John a small nodule of 'stuff' formed from the crap in her hand.
NORANTI:
Here.
JOHN:
( eyes it suspiciously )
What's that?
NORANTI:
Jilnak. Very good for you.
JOHN:
Give it to Mikey there, he'll eat anything.
She drops the 'morsel' into Rygel's upturned mouth [ think fried dentic ala HOTR ].
RYGEL:
Oh...
She hands a small portion to D'Argo, who accepts it but also eyes it suspiciously. Rygel moans in appreciation, swallowing quickly and begging for more.
RYGEL:
More?
JOHN:
( unsurprised )
Hey, what do you know? Mikey likes it.
NORANTI:
One portion apiece.
She hands out small morsels to the rest of the crew, Chiana accepts hers and immediately chows down-- makes the tiny piece look like a leg of roasted Turkey.
RYGEL:
( pleading )
Uh, three stomachs-- three portions, no?
D'Argo cautiously pops his small portion into his mouth, but Sikozu merely eyes hers.
CHIANA:
It's not bad.
D'ARGO:
( nodding )
Mm.
RYGEL:
Mm.
CHIANA:
It's actually quite good.
Sikozu warily sniffs the tiny lump in her fingers, pulling it away quickly. John remains focused on his notebook, jotting notes and tossing out a half-interested query.
JOHN:
That stuff's not gonna turn anybody into a newt is it?
She leans in close and foists a small piece on him.
NORANTI:
Eat it. It's Jilnak. Restorative.
He raises it to his nose, sniffing cautiously.
RYGEL:
Ah, if you don't want it, I ah...
John gives Rygel a stoney glare, popping the piece into his mouth, teeth gritted.
SIKOZU:
Rygel?
Sikozu crouches beside him, just as if he were a cute little puppy, offering him her piece.
RYGEL:
Hm?
She smiles as he accepts her portion as well.
JOHN:
How come everything tastes like chicken?
CHIANA:
What's chicken?
Silence prevails whilst everyone chows down.
EXT PLANET
The Luxan Fighter touches down on a rock strewn planet, tall pillars of frozen lava surround small pools of the liquified substance and a heavy mist of sulfurous steam fills the lowest levels of the reddish sky.
Quick cut to the crew disembarking immediately after the ship touches down, its horizontal wings retracting into the upper hull. Rygel is the first off, hovering away from the ladderway.
RYGEL:
( belches )
I'll be back.
( groans )
Oh! Don't you leave without me.
Rygel hovers off into the distance, his guts rumbling dangerously. Next off is Chiana, alighting with her usual unsteadiness, this time accented by obvious gastric disturbance.
CHIANA:
Oh...
She staggers a small distance away, followed closely by John, staggering from the ship, one hand pressed to lips before marching after her, upright, lips manfully pressed together a hand pressed against roiling guts. He puts a hand on Chi's shoulder, she glances back to him and he nods solicitously, inquiring after her health without actually opening his mouth, "you okay?"--
JOHN:
Mm-Hmm?
Chi turns away, pitching forward, mouth gaping, vomiting hard on the ground.
CHIANA:
Awgh!
Engaging John's sympathy vomit response, he claps a hand to his mouth but thin streamers of fluid jet from between his fingers as he turns away. Turning about, hand still pressed tightly to mouth, and with Chi's sonnet of retching going on in the background, he moves to a more private location and pitching forward, barfs his guts out.
Sikozu descends, feeling fine but obviously grossed a bit by the marathon of regurgitation. [I'm right there with ya, sister.]
D'Argo moves close, checking on John and Chi but he doesn't look very well himself. John pops back up, hand out-- reassuring
JOHN:
I'm, o--
Doh, but he just can't get it out before a renewed bout is on him. He pitches forward again, retching anew and D'Argo joins him, heaving a huge coughing upchuck just behind John. [ oh god ].
Noranti wanders into the midst of this symphony of cookie tossing, looking rather pleased with herself.
JOHN:
Restorative? You call that a restorative? Try 'purgative'.
John stands, back into frame, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, spitting vigoriously. Noranti digs around inside a small pouch, tries to hand him something from it.
NORANTI:
Here. This'll help the cramp.
JOHN:
You better get away from me before I spew on you.
D'ARGO:
( angry )
I... am inside out.
John roots around inside his nose for something. [ hehe, charming ]
NORANTI:
But you're not hungry anymore.
The Luxan hisses, choosing to disgard rather than kill her.
D'ARGO:
Okay, where's Rygel?
CHIANA:
Down that hole... takin' a giant schlock.
( laughs )
D'ARGO:
Rygel?
The guys move off in the direction indicated, Chi almost moves to follow but instead staggers off to vomit again.
JOHN:
Buckwheat?
D'ARGO:
Rygel?
CAVERN ENTRANCE
John and D'Argo peer into a large circular opening to an underground cavern.
JOHN:
Hey, Sparky?! You down there!
D'ARGO:
Rygel!
JOHN:
Guido?!
Brief shot of Rygel examining something, he looks up at the sound of his name. Back on John and D'Argo who climb through the large opening and begin descending to the cavern floor.
CAVERN
On the cavern floor many octagonal shaped containers are stacked here and there, some few are open, showing the wealth of shiny baubles they may contain. Rygel hovers through their midst, eyeballing the loot, still groaning and farting randomly. John and D'Argo enter behind him as he pulls an interesting item from one of the open containers.
JOHN:
( annoyed )
Man, I got one of those... chunks stuck up in my nose.
D'ARGO:
I hate that.
John's still fiddling with his nose, trying to blow something out that might be lodged in his um, left nostril. [ LOL! Okay, is that too much information or what? hehehe Ah, I love that. ]
D'ARGO:
Rygel, what the frell are you doing?
JOHN:
Buckwheat, I thought you came down here to drop some friends off at the pool.
RYGEL:
I did. I will.
JOHN:
Well, do your business and let's get out of here-- and that stuff belongs to somebody else.
D'Argo plucks the shiny bauble from Rygel's hand and tosses it away.
D'ARGO:
We have enough enemies already.
RYGEL:
I thought you said the planet's lifeless.
D'ARGO:
On the surface, yes... but down here...
John continues to work on the old nostril problem, the old woman has also arrived, lurking behind him, she opens one of the containers.
NORANTI:
What's this?
She takes out a, well, a large ziploc bag of something or other, eyeing it with interest. At the cavern opening, Chiana and Sikozu arrive, peering down from the outside.
NORANTI:
Medicines!
JOHN:
Oh, great. Another klepto.
John closes the container, walking away, heading back to the exit.
NORANTI:
No, no, no, no, no. These markings are familiar. I've seen them before somewhere, but where? I...
Unnoticed, Rygel has moved to retrieve his shiny bauble, glancing back once warily.
D'ARGO:
Who cares. Let's get out of here.
JOHN:
Exactly.
Rygel reaches out a cautious hand to snatch the bauble up and a bright beam of red light arcs up from the floor touching his hand and he's nailed by a column of amber 'stuff'. Many other beams of red light shoot from the floor surrounding everyone else on the cavern floor.
RYGEL:
Help!
A translucent amber barrier at the cavern opening spirals into place, sealing the girls outside.
JOHN:
Watch it... trip lights everywhere, D!
The red beams of light retreat into the floor, leaving small red dots throughout.
D'ARGO:
I know, I see them.
The old woman tries to move away, but John pulls her back to his side.
JOHN:
No! Uh-uh, uh-uh! Booby-traps...
Held suspended off the ground in a cocoon of amber, Rygel squirms, begging breathlessly for assistance.
RYGEL:
I can't move. Help me... get me out!
D'Argo looks up at Chiana's muted voice calling from behind the barrier.
CHIANA:
D'Argo! Crichton! Will someone frelling answer?!
Both Chiana and Sikozu pound at the barrier with large rocks, to no effect. D'Argo unsheaths his blade.
D'ARGO:
Stand clear!
D'Argo lifts his rifle, aiming at the barrier above his head, the girls duck to the side as he fires, the pulse energy washing ineffectively against the golden surface.
They return to the barrier, Sikozu pounds on the unbroken surface with her fist.
CHIANA:
It's no good.
RYGEL:
Somebody help me, I'm stuck!
D'ARGO:
( scowling )
We're all stuck.
END COLD OPEN
ROLL OPENING CREDITS
ACT I
CAVERN
Wide and angle down on the roughly circular cavern floor, the area littered with containers and treasures of various kinds. Noranti, John and D'Argo stand motionless near the exit and Rygel is glued into a column of amber, his torso nearly encapsulated, to the far right near a burning pool of lava. He continues to moan and groan loudly.
RYGEL:
( straining )
Oh, I really need to schlock. My bowels hate me. I hate you! Get me out! Do something!
Presently unable to do anything except keep a strong two handed grip on the old woman's arm, John responds.
JOHN:
I'm open to suggestions.
NORANTI:
( muttering to self )
Where have I seen these markings before? On Cavari, yes-- no, not, Cavari, it must have been Eldor Two.
JOHN:
D, we may have to stick Granny in a home.
D'ARGO:
I think we should burn her.
JOHN:
You burn your old folks?
D'ARGO:
No. It just... sounded like a good idea.
Social etiquette discussion terminates at the sound of a loud clank.
JOHN:
Wait. You hear that?
Behind Rygel, in a small alcove cut into the wall, a loud hiss of steam erupts. John and D'Argo turn in that direction.
RYGEL:
( groaning )
Oh!
The the hissing of steam dissipates and another of the octagonal containers sits in the previously empty alcove, delivered by UT Dumb Waiter; and they can now hear the sound of distant voices. On the far right side of the cavern the beam of a flashlight is cutting into the main cavern floor from an adjacent tunnel.
JOHN:
( whispering )
Sparky, shut up!
VOICE:
( distant )
Stop your whingin', will ya?
John gets pistol in hand, holding it at the ready, having to release the old woman for that. Quick cut to the cavern tunnels, a couple of large scraggily folically challenged sebacean types saunter up the tunnel.
FRICK:
Don't forget to kill the traps.
Frick's companion presses his thumb to a small device in his hand.
FROOL:
Oh, of course not. Traps are off.
Back in the cavern, the red beams spurt marginally from the floor before disappearing, the red lights in the floor winking out. John crosses quickly to Rygel, D'Argo following, and the old woman wanders over to a stack of containers, muttering to herself.
VOICE:
( distant )
I don't know why they make us set the traps in the first place!
NORANTI:
( muttering )
Plague...
JOHN:
Rygel.
NORANTI:
( muttering )
Children sick and dying... then soldiers came with provisions...
John takes a close look at Rygel's... problem, D'Argo keeps a nervous eye out- Qualta Rifle up and ready. A really quick cut back to the tunnel, company's comin'.
FRICK:
Come on, Frool... get--
In the cavern, the old woman comes to a realization, John grabs her arm, dragging her behind him while she continues to 'explain'.
NORANTI:
Tarkans!
JOHN:
Yo, Grandma, come on!
NORANTI:
These belong to the Tarkans!
JOHN:
Go!
He propels her in front of him, urging her forward.
NORANTI:
I tell you, I tell you, the Tarkans...
Quickly passing Rygel, he offers a bit of advice.
JOHN:
Play dead.
RYGEL:
Crichton, don't-don't leave me! Don't--
NORANTI:
I remember now--
JOHN:
Shh-shh!
They disappear around a couple of rocky pillars, taking refuge in the depths of the cavern behind pillars and stacked containers.
NORANTI:
Tarkan freedom fighters...
JOHN:
Zip it!
As they disappear, leaving only Rygel encased in amber in the open, Frick and Frack enter from a different direction, they wander between the stacked containers; still loudly complaining.
FRICK:
Come on, we still got alot of crates to move.
John and co. peer at the new arrivals from the edge of a pillar.
FROOL:
How come I always gotta do the heavy lugging?
FRICK:
Because you're not smart enough to do anything else. That's why.
FROOL:
Oh, well why are you here?
FRICK:
Because I'm not smart enough to hang out with anyone else.
From hiding, John and D hold a whispered strategy discussion, while Frool and Fool continue whinging and moving crates in the bg.
D'ARGO:
Okay... do you think we can take 'em out?
JOHN:
I don't know, what if they got friends downstairs?
D'ARGO:
I'll take these two, you can take their friends.
JOHN:
What if there's a hundred of 'em?
D'ARGO:
( doubtful )
Of these guys? We should be so lucky.
Rygel's stomach takes the moment to grumble loudly, alerting Frick and Frack to his presence.
FRICK:
Look at this!
NORANTI:
( whispering )
No violence, these are Tarkan!
John looks away just long enough to put a hand over her mouth.
FRICK:
Somethin' set off the traps.
FROOL:
Yeah, and got itself stuck.
John and D'Argo move to a better vantage point, leaving the old woman at the old one.
FRICK:
Will you come on--
The goofball twins approach carefully, heavy weaponry at the ready. Rygel farts heavily and the wispy strands of their cotton candy hair flutter in the gaseous breeze. They squint into the stench.
FROOL:
( helium voice )
Aah! Smells dead... but it's not, yet.
RYGEL:
( strained helium voice )
Gentlemen... I apologize for disturbing your work.
( grunts, voice slowly reverting to normal )
If you'd be so kind as to, ah, get me free, I'll be on my way.
FROOL:
( panting )
It speaks.
FRICK:
It steals too. Any more of you?
RYGEL:
No, I'm all alone.
FRICK:
Yeah, I can see why.
Behind the pillars, John and D'Argo work their way around the verge, John turns to urge the old woman along behind them.
JOHN:
( whispering )
Come on.
FRICK:
We've captured an intruder!
Quick cut to a lower level in the cavern, another scraggly, follically challenged Sebacean-like male, only filthier, crosses the space, a large cylindrical container in his arms.
FRICK:
( over comms )
It claims it's all alone.
GLEEG:
Is it armed?
Back in the cavern, Rygel's guts protest loudly.
FRICK:
No. But it's sure making some strange noises.
GLEEG:
( over comms )
Don't touch it.
Back in the lower cavern, Gleeg, now followed by another carrying an octagonal container.
GLEEG:
Wait for me, I'm on my way.
A third scraggly looking male takes the container from Gleeg's accomplice, placing it on the floor, then takes Gleeg's; turning away to put the container inside the small dumb waiter alcove on that level.
GLEEG:
You, come with me.
The container disappears in a burst of steam followed by a large clanking groan of mechanics.
Back in the cavern John hauls the old woman back behind cover, his voice hushed and urgent, pressing her back against the cavern wall.
JOHN:
What are you doing? Did I not tell you to stay put?
NORANTI:
Listen to me-- these are Tarkans, they're good people.
JOHN:
You know Jack about these people, now you stay behind cover!
She spits in his eye and bolts when he reflexively releases her to press a hand to the offended orb. D'Argo just stands there and lets her go.
Cut to the main floor as the old woman bursts into the open, smilingly greeting the scraggly duo; who she imagines are some kind of galactic philanthropists.
NORANTI:
Greetings, Tarkans.
They turn, bringing their weapons to bear on her, Rygel behind them.
NORANTI:
We're honored to meet you. We mean you no harm.
FRICK:
( to Rygel )
You said you were alone!
RYGEL:
I've... never seen her before.
NORANTI:
No. Not alone.
Cut to a very peeved John and an annoyed D'Argo, still in concealment, listening.
NORANTI [O.S.]:
There's a human... and a Luxan too.
D'Argo sighs and hangs his head, cut back to the old woman, givin' away the farm.
NORANTI:
Oh, I've told them of your good works--
Cut back to John and D'Argo, amazingly, still silently peeved; D'Argo raises his eyes to the ceiling; John's just flicking Winona back and forth, like he'd like to be doing something with it.
NORANTI [O.S.]:
but they're shy.
Cut back to the old woman, she turns to go fetch her harmless friends from their hiding place.
NORANTI:
Come on out, it's all right.
Back in the alcove, John concedes a point to D'Argo.
JOHN:
Burning... is too good for her.
He holsters his pistol and they turn to follow her.
NORANTI [O.S.]:
Crichton, D'Argo, show yourselves. Come on, Crichton... D'Argo?
In the cavern, John pops out from behind a pillar looking... harmless? D'Argo behind him, still has his Qualta Rifle at the ready, kinda spoiling the effect. Frick and Frack raise their rifles higher, appropriately nervous.
JOHN:
Granny... what are you doing?
He takes her head in his hands, then brings her close in a one armed hug.
JOHN:
You have got to stop wandering off like this.
( to Frick and Frack )
Thanks for lookin' after her fellas.
Then shoves her behind him, she disappears behind D'Argo.
JOHN:
She's a little...
Whistles, and makes the 'crazy' loop around his ear with his index finger.
JOHN:
You haven't seen my dog have ya?
He mocks lookin' around before quickly 'spotting' Rygel behind Frick and Frack.
JOHN:
Little Bubba! You got caught in a trap?!
RYGEL:
Crichton-- get me out!
JOHN:
I got an idea. Why don't we all put our guns down--
The sound of pulse fire and a hit appears on the rock wall just above and to the left of John's head. He and D'Argo duck for cover.
JOHN:
Right.
Firefight erupts just as Gleeg and another of his henchmen appear from another tunnel, John and D'Argo exchange shots with Frick and Frack.
D'ARGO:
There's two more!
NORANTI:
Stop! No violence! No firing! Oh!
Quick cut inside the Luxan Fighter.
CHIANA:
What's going on down there?
Back in the cavern, the firefight continues, but John and D'Argo's hits seem to wash ineffectively against the bodies of their opponents; each hit accompanied by a high whining noise and a flash of lights from large circular objects strapped to the chest of each of the 'Tarnaks'.
D'ARGO:
It's no good-- they're shielded.
JOHN:
They got body armor? That's a hell of an invention. How come we don't have that?
GLEEG:
You three! Get them!
John and D'Argo flee into the tunnels, the three flunkys immediately giving chase. Close on Rygel, pleading quietly, his small hand still gripping the shiny bauble-- it doesn't 'look' glued to his hand by the amber.
RYGEL:
Where are you going? Don't leave me.
Gleeg crosses the floor behind Rygel, giving him a surly glance.
GLEEG:
I'll keep you company.
Gleeg exchanges his rifle for a larger, more dangerous looking piece of equipment, aiming it at Rygel.
RYGEL:
Perhaps I should introduce myself, I am Rygel--
He's cut off as Gleeg fires, shouting over the noise of the 'weapon' that starts melting through the column of amber below Rygel.
RYGEL:
Oh, please! Don't hurt me!
Cutting off the 'weapon', Gleeg wriggles Rygel free of the column.
RYGEL:
Oh, thank you... this won't go unrewarded.
His torso still encased, Gleeg carries him across the chamber, placing him inside the 'dumb waiter'.
RYGEL:
You-you didn't finish. Oh, wh-what are you doing?
Rygel disappears in a burst of steam and Gleeg turns away.
GLEEG:
I'll catch up.
EXT. PLANET
Chiana stands at the sealed opening, peering down.
CHIANA:
Crichton?! Frell.
She turns away, stepping down a short rocky slope, to Sikozu who stands a short distance away, arms crossed.
CHIANA:
Those lights. I think they were pulse blasts. We gotta help 'em.
SIKOZU:
We have to get to them first.
She favors Chi with an icy glare and heads back toward the fighter, Chi follows.
CHIANA:
Well you're a genius... how?
SIKOZU:
The cannon on the Luxan ship.
Chi bounces in front of her, stalling her progress.
CHIANA:
Are you tinked? Only D'Argo can operate that ship.
Sikozu cocks her head; another icy glare.
CHIANA:
Maybe there's another way in.
Chi heads off to search and we get another of those 'don't they realize who they're dealing with here?' looks from Sikozu.
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
Rygel howls somewhere inside a gust of steam from the dumbwaiter alcove, the steam dissipates and he sits propped inside, panting a bit.
RYGEL:
That was some drop.
He pants a bit more before spotting something across the space, he moans quietly, eyes bulging and earbrows drooping.
Cut to the center of the cavern floor at this level, a large pool of steaming 'lava'; a large figure emerging. Looks to be armored against the heat of the lava, it hoists a large globular shape coated in amber more firmly onto its shoulder and wades through the waist deep pool toward the edge. Around the edge of the pool are stacked more of the octagonal shaped containers.
The armored figure climbs out of the pool, looks to be assisted by carved steps in the pool. Cut back to Rygel- gape mouthed with fear.
Close on the armored critter climbing out of the pool of lava. It crosses the room to near Rygel. The helmet on its head completely covers its eyes [poor John, aren't they ever going to let him 'see'?]. Only its small mouth, filled with pointed teeth, and long green chin visible below the helmet.
CAVERN - TUNNELS
D'Argo flees through the tunnels followed closely by the old woman and John. The sound of their panting breath and distant voices accompanies them.
VOICE:
( distant )
Down here.
JOHN:
Ho! We got another one!
They stall, sliding to a stop and run in the opposite direction, heading down another fork in the tunnels.
VOICE:
( distant )
I found 'em!
D'ARGO:
Think we lost those two?
NORANTI:
There's no need for-- oh!
A clash of pulse fire against the rock outcropping near John's head indicates otherwise. They take cover behind the outcropping, as the third henchman takes cover at the far end of the tunnel they just vacated. The old woman tries to talk reason but it's so hard to focus on her because someone is breathing... heavily... from the run, eh, I think it's D'Argo... big 'ol mouth breather. :)
NORANTI:
Will you listen to me? These are Tarkan freedom fighters, they're heroes! On the planet Cavari there was a deadly plague. The Tarkans defied the quarantine. They brought food, clean water, medicines. They saved thousands of lives.
John doesn't look back, he's keeping a look out on the tunnel.
JOHN:
Whatever. They're angels of mercy, they're still tryin' to shoot us.
NORANTI:
Well, what did you expect? You walk into their house, you steal, you shoot at them!
D'ARGO:
In case you hadn't noticed, they started to shoot at us first!
JOHN:
Right.
NORANTI:
And they're gonna keep shooting at us until we die unless we talk to them, so let me mediate!
D'ARGO:
You know, maybe we should let her try.
He considers it for a moment, keeping a close eye on the tunnel, shakes his head abruptly.
JOHN:
Nah, she's gonna get shot.
D'ARGO:
And that would be bad?
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
One of the henchmen is melting the amber off the latest container, the large armored guy, sans helmet, carries Rygel across the chamber. Without helmet it looks as though the guy has eyes all over his head. [yuck]
RYGEL:
Can we... discuss this?
The henchman leader enters, the big armored dude, Raa-Keel, addresses him.
RAA'KEEL:
So this... is our intruder?
GLEEG:
One of them.
RAA'KEEL:
One? You mean there's more?
GLEEG:
Three more.
Raa'Keel growls his displeasure, carrying Rygel down to the edge of the lava pool, holding him over it. Rygel whimpers.
RAA'KEEL:
How did you find this place? Who told you we were here?
RYGEL:
Nobody. We found it by accident.
RAA'KEEL:
And that Mooka chain just... fell into your hand by accident too.
RYGEL:
I was just putting it back.
He lowers Rygel toward the pool.
RYGEL:
No, please... no, lava... oh!
Saved by a comm from the henchmen who has John and D'Argo. Shot cuts back and forth from the tunnels to the cavern.
FOUR BROWS:
I have the intruders cornered, but I... but I-I could do with some help.
GLEEG:
Why? Shoot 'em!
FOUR BROWS:
Well, there's two of them, and they have two guns. Will this...
( touches the disc on his chest )
Will this belt stop two guns at once?
GLEEG:
I'm coming up.
RAA'KEEL:
No! I'll take care of it. You keep moving those crates!
Raa'Keel, heavily overacting on the eviloverlord bit, hands Rygel to Gleeg. A surly notice before leaving.
RAA'KEEL:
Try to remember we're on a schedule!
[ And I had to LOL at that, thinking of Max's blog entry, Tales to Tell, on the inherence of plausible story in 'anything' hehehe ]
Raa'Keel stalks off, addressing Four Brows over comms.
RAA'KEEL:
Describe where you are.
Four Brows looks around, a bit frustrated.
FOUR BROWS:
Look, how am I supposed to describe it? It all just looks like rock to me.
CAVERN - TUNNELS
Still in hiding, the old woman tries to convince John.
NORANTI:
I won't get shot. I trust Tarkans. Everyone knows their reputation.
JOHN:
I don't.
D'ARGO:
Me, either. Listen, John. We can't shoot them, we're trapped... maybe we should let the old lady try and mediate a way out.
JOHN:
( reluctantly )
All right, fine. You're up.
The old woman yawns massively.
D'ARGO:
Are you all right? What's the matter?
NORANTI:
Oh, just a bit tired, that's all.
And clunk, down she goes, collapsed on the floor, sound asleep. They look down, unbelieving. D'Argo sighs heavily.
JOHN:
Grandma... you okay?
And he kicks her.
D'ARGO:
I think she's asleep.
JOHN:
Grandma!
He kicks her again.
D'ARGO:
Oy!
JOHN:
This is unbelievable! What... can't cook; won't bathe; and now she's narcoleptic. She'a triple threat. Grandma, get up!
Kicks her again.
From here the shot cuts back and forth between the three scenes; Raa'Keel sauntering armed and helmed somewhere in the tunnels, Four Brows hunched against the tunnel wall, and to John and D'Argo hovering over the snoozin' old woman in the alcove at the end of the tunnel.
RAA'KEEL:
Any markings on the walls?
FOUR BROWS:
No!
A gout of flame from a pool of lava near the wall at the opposite end of the tunnel illuminates some writing.
FOUR BROWS:
Wait... yeah, there's ah, some... purple writing, but... I don't know what it says.
RAA'KEEL:
Purple.
JOHN:
Grandma!
Kicks her.
RAA'KEEL:
The intruders are trapped in the small lower alcove?
FOUR BROWS:
Yeah.
RAA'KEEL:
Good, I know exactly where you are.
JOHN:
Grandma, get up.
Kicks her a couple of times, absolutely no response. Although her body rocks a bit she remains deeply asleep.
RAA'KEEL:
Do you see those purple markings?
FOUR BROWS:
( nodding )
Mm-hmm.
RAA'KEEL:
Shoot them.
FOUR BROWS:
Shoot the markings?
RAA'KEEL:
Yes, shoot them. Now!
Obediently, Four Brows takes aim and fires, and is instantly vaporized by a large fireball preceding a flood of lava from the hole blasted in the wall. He screams and the cavern rocks, dropping debris over John and D'Argo.
JOHN:
Bad news.
D'ARGO:
Trouble.
JOHN:
Somebody's doin' the Pompei thing. Let's go.
They lift the old woman and turn, seeking higher ground, clambering up a few rocky steps to a small ledge above the floor of the alcove, a wash of steaming red lava at their heels. They drop Grandma to the floor and turn to observe the large pool of lava filling their refuge.
JOHN:
Ah, more bad news.
D'ARGO:
Same dren, different planet.
JOHN:
Yeah, we're trapped.
The pool of lava rises rapidly to the level of their temporarily secure ledge.
JOHN:
Again.
END ACT I
ACT II
CAVERN - LAVA FILLED ALCOVE
D'ARGO:
The lava's rising, jump!
JOHN:
Jump?
D'ARGO:
Jump!
John eyes the distance across the rising pool of lava to the ledge across the expanse, it looks to be an olympic distance for standing long jump to safety.
JOHN:
Yeah, yeah, I can make that, but the uh, old bat can't.
D'ARGO:
Old bats can fly.
D'Argo gathers the old woman from the ground and hurls her across the distance. She lands safely on the opposite ledge, crumples to the floor and continues sleeping.
D'ARGO:
You're up.
JOHN:
All right, look, I lied. I can't make that jump.
D'ARGO:
You can't make that jump... gimme your foot!
D'Argo laces his fingers together and John sets his foot into the offered stirrup.
D'ARGO:
Come on. Go!
Lifting strongly he hurls John across the space to land safely on the other side of the old woman. He crawls to hands and knees, a stunned look across to D'Argo. The old woman lifts her head, finally waking.
The lava rises to the edge of the ledge and D'Argo readies himself.
D'ARGO:
Okay--
And from a standing position, leaps across the distance. Landing on the very edge, his heels slip off and he teeters backward, arms flailing.
JOHN:
D, grab my hand!
D'ARGO:
Can't reach!
D'Argo's tongue lashes out and wraps around the old woman's neck, her eyes bulge a bit and her back arches up, D'Argo leans back even further before she slumps forward, dragging him to safety. John steadies him; and D'Argo's tongue hits the floor and flaps less than rapidly back into his mouth.
JOHN:
I didn't know you could do that.
D'Argo's hand is pressed to his mouth and his voice is slurred by the numb tongue.
D'ARGO:
It takes a bit of practice.
EXT. PLANET
Lo'La sits, silently amidst stone and steaming lava on the planet surface.
INT LUXAN FIGHTER
Chiana climbs in, observing Sikozu at the controls. They discuss options, Sikozu frequently using that snotty patronizing tone that's already so egregiously annoying.
SIKOZU:
I take it you did not find another entrance?
CHIANA:
No. What... are you doing?
SIKOZU:
Trying to power up this vessel's cannon.
Chiana perches behind Sikozu, a lovely scowl on her face.
CHIANA:
I take it... your memory's frelled. I told you only D'Argo can operate this ship.
SIKOZU:
And D'Argo is a fool if he has not set an override sequence.
Chi makes an offended noise.
CHIANA:
I don't think you should be blaming D'Argo in this instance. He's already saved your eema once--
SIKOZU:
All right-- fine-- he's a big and brave warrior. However; if these controls are locked to his DNA, it was not particularly smart of him not to have set up an override sequence.
CHIANA:
Wait...
( thinking )
Wait.
( laughs )
You're right.
SIKOZU:
Yes, Chiana, I usually am.
CHIANA:
Then we don't need D'Argo to run this ship. We just need his DNA.
Laughing, she bounces to the exit.
SIKOZU:
And how to you suggest we get...?
Peering over her shoulder, she finds she's addressing thin air.
CAVERNS - LOWER LEVEL
Raa'keel and his head henchman enter bickering.
RAA'KEEL:
The intruders can't be alive.
GLEEG:
Well, they are! Your miserable lava traps only got one of my men!
RAA'KEEL:
Your men are worthless.
GLEEG:
Do you want to move all these yourself?! You're the one who's so worried about the schedule.
They pass out of shot, voices fading as they continue bickering. Pan down to Rygel propped on a container.
RYGEL:
( strained whisper )
Crichton? D'Argo?! Can you hear me?
Scene cuts back and forth between the lower caverns and John, D'Argo and the old woman, making their way through the tunnels again.
D'ARGO:
Rygel, are you all right?
RYGEL:
No... I'm dying... please, get me out of here before my bowels rupture.
JOHN:
Yeah, we'll do that Sparky. Where are you?
RYGEL:
I don't know, lower level, some cavern, big pool of lava and--
He squeals in alarm as Raa'Keel yanks him up off the container.
JOHN:
( over comms )
All right, we'll come get ya.
RAA'KEEL:
Who's this?!
John pauses in the tunnel, arms braced on the walls.
JOHN:
Lou Costello. Who's this?
RAA'KEEL:
My name's... Raa'Keel
The old woman leaps in front of John, cutting in.
NORANTI:
And mine is Uta-Noranti-Pralatong. I'm afraid there's been a huge misunderstanding which we really must rectify.
RAA'KEEL:
A misunderstanding?
John shoves the old woman aside, temporarily silencing her.
JOHN:
Yeah, we really shouldn't be shooting each other. We didn't come here to rob you guys. Hell, we didn't know there was anybody on this rock.
NORANTI:
We're not your enemies, we know who you are.
RAA'KEEL:
You do?
NORANTI:
Yes, every educated species knows and reveres Tarkan freedom fighters.
RAA'KEEL:
Then you approve of our work.
NORANTI:
Yep.
John shoves her aside again, trying to hold her still. His negotiating style lacks any kind of sincerity-- experience having taught him that it doesn't translate.
JOHN:
Absolutely, that thing you guys did on Calimari, that was beautiful, man. That was Nobel Peace Prize material.
The old woman rolls her eyes and mutters, "Calimari". An annoyed Raa'Keel slams Rygel back down on the container.
RAA'KEEL:
Yet you attempted to rob us!
RYGEL:
Only because I did not realize whose stuff it was! Had I but known, I--
JOHN:
Yeah, please accept our apology on that. Listen, why don't you give us the slug, we'll punish him appropriately and we are out of your hair.
RAA'KEEL:
All right. We'll release him.
RYGEL:
Quickly!
Raa'Keel slams a fist into Rygel's head, knocking him senseless. Rygel grunts and John grimaces--
RAA'KEEL:
But he doesn't look well-- you'd better come and get him.
JOHN:
Yeah, we'd love to do that. Where are you?
RAA'KEEL:
Stay where you are, I'll send an escort.
JOHN:
Fine.
Tone of comms cutting off and Raa'Keel turns to his flunky.
RAA'KEEL:
Find him.
CAVERN - TUNNELS
D'ARGO:
You know, I definitely do not trust this guy.
JOHN:
Me, either. But I got an idea.
NORANTI:
But, th-there's no reason not to trust him. I mean why--
JOHN:
Grandma, zip it. We don't want to hear what saints the Tarkans are. We are not going in there undefended. So you can either get with the program or you can shut up.
D'ARGO:
Preferably both. What's your idea?
They move off a short distance.
JOHN:
All right, here's the thing. I think that we ambush the escort, we hit 'em with a rock and take his belt.
D'ARGO:
That is your plan?
JOHN:
Yeah.
D'ARGO:
To hit him with a rock, when they have these, like, shield things?!
JOHN:
The shields work against pulse energy, they don't work against other things. We saw the guy get burned.
D'ARGO:
Yeah, but not by a rock.
JOHN:
All right, let me lay this out for you. Fire is thermal energy.
D'ARGO:
( muttering )
Okay.
JOHN:
Thermal energy is like kinetic energy. A rock has kinetic energy. Ergo, a rock will work.
D'ARGO:
( nodding )
Uh, okay, okay, I'm with you. I just have, uh, one small little question.
John hangs his head slightly, sighing [ "why so difficult?" :) ]
D'ARGO:
Who is... Lou Costello?
The old woman hurls herself at John.
NORANTI:
Wait!
JOHN:
What?
NORANTI:
I want to help...
John shoves her away again, shaking his head slightly as he walks past D'Argo
JOHN:
Abbott and Costello, we've been over this.
D turns to follow John, still nodding.
D'ARGO:
Right.
EXT. PLANET
The girls stroll past a line of vomit pools on the ground. Sikozu pointing out a slimy blue one as she walks.
SIKOZU:
That was yours...
She stops at the next pool, hanging limp and slightly chunky over the top of a rock.
SIKOZU:
...so this must be D'Argo's.
Chiana stops as well.
CHIANA:
No, no, no. This... is Crichton's.
She moves a bit further on, eyeing a monumental pile of chunks.
CHIANA:
This... is D'Argo's.
She pokes it with a finger, tapping the goo onto her tongue. Chewing slightly. [ omg. okay, gross out moment of the week ].
SIKOZU:
( eyes wide )
No living creature could produce that!
CHIANA:
You haven't met many Luxans, have ya?
She shoves both gloved hands deeply into the pile [ awgh! ]. Sikozu makes mild retching noises, hand to her mouth she looks away.
SIKOZU:
Oh!
INT LUXAN FIGHTER
Close on Chiana's vomit covered hands.
CHIANA:
Okay.
SIKOZU:
I should be doing this.
Sikozu sits in the co-pilot's seat, beside Chiana.
CHIANA:
Excuse me... I'm the one... that put my hands in the vomit.
SIKOZU:
And I'm the one who happened to observe D'Argo's starting procedure when we left Arnessk.
Indicating appropriate controls.
SIKOZU:
Press... this, this, that, and those two together.
Chiana presses the indicated controls.
CHIANA:
This, this, that...
Completing the sequence, the ship powers up, panels illuminating across the control console and the upper hull.
LO'LA:
( electronic 'male' voice )
Power systems at your command, Ka D'Argo.
CHIANA:
( laughs )
How do you fire up the cannon?
SIKOZU:
That I do not know.
Chiana shoots her an irritated glance.
SIKOZU:
I've never seen him use the cannon.
CHIANA:
Right.
Raising her arms, she starts pressing random controls on the upper dome.
SIKOZU:
Random flailing is pointless, Chiana. Move aside and let me wo--
Chi cuts her off with a vomit coated hand raised to her face.
CHIANA:
Hey, I am the one... that put my hands in the vomit. Okay, you want a turn? Go get your own vomit.
CAVERN - TUNNELS
The old woman works a 'potion' inside a small pouch.
NORANTI:
( whispering )
Yes, the powder is ready.
John enters the far end of the tunnel just as the old woman blows a large plume of white dust into the air. She moves down to meet him, cautioning him as he passes.
NORANTI:
Come through, but don't inhale.
JOHN:
Okay.
She continues down the tunnel, darting to the side and John steps into a small alcove, joining D'Argo in semi-sorta hiding.
D'ARGO:
What is it? Sleeping powder?
JOHN:
I dunno, she's pretty vague, but this'll knock 'em out.
He hands D'Argo a large rock, twin to the one in his other hand. The sound of approaching voices bringing their own to whispers and they move to conceal themselves behind a pillar in the alcove.
Frick and Frool [ hehe, almost typed 'Froon' ] enter the tunnel from the opposite end, walking through a white mist still hanging in the tunnel.
FRICK:
I signed on to haul crates. Not get killed!
FROOL:
Me, too. If I get killed... all my wives will throw fits.
Abruptly they halt, right at the point the old woman blew the dust into the air.
FRICK:
Ah...
Seeing nothing, he urges him forward.
FRICK:
Come on, come on, Frool.
As they pass, the old woman steps out of concealment, her hands dancing in a delicate arc above her head.
NORANTI:
Hey, fellas?
They turn around, bringing rifles up, slightly startled. The old woman glides down the tunnel, back the way they came, tossing her skirt rhythmically, a slow beat of music rising in the BG. John and D'Argo adjust their hiding place for a better view as Frick and Frool move slowly back up the tunnel.
They turn to each other, moaning quietly in appreciation.
FRICK:
Let's do it!
They turn back toward the old woman and we get a look at what they are 'seeing'.
At the far end of the tunnel, an exotic dancer clad in not much more than a small bikini top fashioned of gold coins and a long silky skirt. Long blue hair tumbles down below her shoulders and across her breasts, her face is completely alien, large wide eyes and hugely swollen skull. She shimmies before them to the music, arms weaving and hips rolling.
FRICK:
Oh, yeah, baby.
She continues dancing, shedding the long sleevless tunic worn over the golden bodice. [ a gorgeous and talented girl. Nice day on the set when they shot this. ]
Frick and Frool edge closer, leering happily.
FRICK:
Take it off.
From concealment, John and D'Argo watch the old woman bob around.
NORANTI:
I am the flower, you are the bee...
John turns to D'Argo to give him a 'can you believe this?' look. D'Argo scowls and nods slightly.
NORANTI:
I am the pod, you are the pea.
Frick and Frool hover closer, gurling appreciatively while the old woman continues shimmying. John and D'Argo now behind them, unnoticed. Luckily for them, they continue seeing the exotic blue haired lady.
They're gape mouthed, both dropping their rifles as she delicately removes a belt of golden coins from shimmying hips.
John and D'Argo just stand there watching while Frick and Frool kneel before the old woman as she wriggles in front of them, her coat discarded somewhere on the floor.
NORANTI:
I am the target, you are the gun!
Their mouths pop open as the blue haired lady removes the gold coin bodice revealing a tiny bikini top beneath.
John and D'Argo creep forward as the old woman hops and shimmies in front of the drooling Frick and Frool, purring loudly. Their eyes locked on the hips of the exotic dancer as she removes the long silken skirt, tossing it aside and posing dramatically before them in all her glory.
Cue comical metallic clang as John and D'Argo clock them on the head with their rocks. They fall to the floor, removing any barrier between them and the old woman who is still shimmying slightly.
NORANTI:
I am the woman, you are the man...
And she whips her top open. Close on John.
JOHN:
Oh, my god!
He turns to D'Argo as shot rapid pans right to his stark expression, eyes frozen wide in horror-- he screams!
Shivering in terror, he turns his back and walks away with a much more composed John. Stepping up into the alcove again, they turn back momentarily to ensure they're not seeing things. John closes his eyes, whipping his head back around quickly, D'Argo raises a hand, hunching his shoulders, shielding his eyes as he turns away as well.
EXT PLANET
Again with the shot of the fighter sitting quietly on the planet surface.
INT LUXAN FIGHTER
1812 squawks in the bg, Chi lowers the targeting goggles, glancing back at it.
CHIANA:
Well, you're not any help.
Sikozu enters, bare hands coated in luxan vomit.
SIKOZU:
Now... move aside.
CHIANA:
( laughs )
All right.
They adjust positions in the close confines.
SIKOZU:
Oh, careful...
CHIANA:
Sorry.
Sikozu takes the pilot's seat, Chi in the co-, they both start poking at controls on the joy sticks.
CHIANA:
You better hurry, you're losing your vomit.
Electronic bleeping from the controls as she works.
SIKOZU:
I think I've decoded the right sequence.
The sound of engines roaring may prove her correct. They look at each other warily as the ship starts to shudder, rising slightly from the ground. Sikozu carefully guiding it to face toward the large outcropping that contains the sealed entrance to the cavern below.
SIKOZU:
( softly )
Slowly...
Flipping a few more controls, she lowers the ship gently to the ground, the engines going silent.
SIKOZU:
( smiling )
Actually, it's really quite simple.
CHIANA:
To a great mind like yours.
Sikozu grins at the percieved compliment.
CHIANA:
Okay, fire the cannon.
SIKOZU:
Certainly. I see the pattern. This...
She flicks various controls.
SIKOZU:
...locates the target.
CHIANA:
Right.
SIKOZU:
This one primes the charge.
The main cannon on the nose of the vessel begins to glow, tiny arc lightening dancing along the edges.
SIKOZU:
And this one... fires.
She eagerly presses a large button on the joystick. An electronic beep and turbines whine down, the glow fading from the main cannon as it shuts down. No joy. Sikozu looks stunned/surprised.
CHIANA:
Really... quite simple.
She tosses her hands up hands in disgust, Sikozu turns her surprised look at Chi.
CHIANA:
Frell!
CAVERN - TUNNELS
Close on John, he's wearing one of the belts over his chest and shoulders, his hand cupping the large metallic disc just below his breast bone.
JOHN:
All right, so there's nothing to turn on. Someone shoots me, and I'm protected.
Frick and Frool sit cross-legged on the ground, hands laced behind their heads.
FROOL:
( nodding )
Yeah.
D'ARGO:
Well, I think we'd better test it.
D'Argo stands in front of him, holding his Qualta Rifle up in the crook of his right arm.
D'ARGO:
Do you have any, uh, small appendages you don't need?
JOHN:
( scowling )
Small?
Noranti glides between them.
NORANTI:
Shoot him in the buttock, that's big.
Sound of a hand patting leather. John turns slightly, following her progress, greatly offended.
JOHN:
Hey, you know what? Don't touch my ass, that's sexual harrassment.
He turns back in time to catch D'Argo taking aim on the exposed target.
JOHN:
Whoa, no, we are not shooting the butt!
D'ARGO:
( disappointed )
Okay.
JOHN:
The butt is off-limits, try the... heel or, why don't we shoot you? You got a small appendage!
D'ARGO:
Shoot me?!
Mildly angered, he shoots John in the leg.
JOHN:
Whoa!
He starts badly as the energy washes ineffectively across his leg, the metallic disc on his chest lights around the edges and hums lightly.
JOHN:
Son of a gun, it works.
NORANTI:
Now can we go and talk to the Tarkans?
JOHN:
There is no "we", white girl. We appreciate what you did-- it was different, but we have two belts, three people.
He lifts the second belt off her bare shoulder.
JOHN:
You're stayin' here, we're not takin' chances.
He shoves her aside again and walks past, stopping as the electric hum and lights fade from the disc on his chest.
JOHN:
Is this thing cuttin' out on me?
D'Argo growls, prompting a quick response.
FRICK:
Energy save mode. It'll reactivate when it's needed.
D'ARGO:
Okay, let's get out of here. You guys-- show the way. Come on.
Frick and Frool climb to their feet, hands still laced behind their heads, they lead John and D'Argo away. D'Argo passes the old woman, still semi-nude. He throws an irritated glance her way.
D'ARGO:
Put some clothes on.
The old woman harumphs, and tosses her hair.
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
Hard at work again, toting crates and steaming the amber off others, generally ignoring Rygel who is in some serious distress, he pleads, his voice weak and strained.
RYGEL:
You don't understand... if I don't take a schlock soon, my insides will explode and I'll die!
John and D'Argo, prodding their captives forward, arrive in the nick.
JOHN:
Sur-prise, sur-prize, sur-prise!
Raa'Keel whips around, raising a weapon. His two goons stand between him and John and D'Argo who step down to the floor of the cavern.
RAA'KEEL:
What happened?
FROOL:
They... uh, have our belts.
FRICK:
Yeah, yeah, th-that's right.
RAA'KEEL:
I can see that.
Rygel moans.
JOHN:
Sparky, you okay?
RYGEL:
( weakly )
What do you think?
JOHN:
Just hang in there.
( to Raa'Keel )
Okay, here's the deal, Tin Man. You can't hurt us, we can't hurt you. You've got our whoopie cushion, we've got Larry and Moe here. What do you say to a simple trade?
RAA'KEEL:
Why would I want these morons back?
He shoots them both.
GLEEG:
Will you stop shooting my men?!
RAA'KEEL:
Shut up and stand still.
He presses his thumb against a small device in his hand. John steps forward, pistol at the ready but he's held back by D'Argo's hand on his shoulder just as red laser beams shoot up from the ground all around them. John freezes.
JOHN:
I got it.
D'ARGO:
One of those frelling booby traps.
Raa'Keel presses the control again and the beams subside, a circle of red lights in the floor still surround them.
JOHN:
You know that thing I said... about the Nobel Peace Prize for Tarkans?
Raa'Keel laughs evily.
JOHN:
I take it all back.
RAA'KEEL:
You think we're Tarkan freedom fighters. We're not. We're robbing them, and you can identify us. Need I continue?
John looks at D'Argo who gives us a nice throaty irritated growl.
END ACT II
ACT III
EXT PLANET
Same shot of Luxan Fighter sitting quietly on the planet surface. The girls likely still inside trying to figure out the cannon thing.
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
One of two surviving flunkies, Gleeg dips a hefty bucket of lava from one of the pools, crossing the cavern and handing it to Raa'Keel.
JOHN:
Right, so you're robbers, whatever. We're not cops, we don't care.
D'ARGO:
Actually, we've performed quite a few burglaries ourselves.
Raa'Keel circles the pair trapped inside the small circle of red lights, bucket of lava in hand.
RAA'KEEL:
Well, you picked the wrong place to burglarize today.
He stops behind D'Argo, dipping into the lava and lifting a small handful.
RAA'KEEL:
Who else is with you?
D'ARGO:
Ah... get frelled.
Raa'Keel flicks the glob of lava onto D'Argo's robes; he flinches and shouts in pain.
GLEEG:
There's an old woman, but she's no threat.
RAA'KEEL:
What would you know? She can't get out, and no one else can get in.
Raa'Keel circles again, stopping to face them.
RAA'KEEL:
Why prolong her agony. Save us some time and tell us where she is.
JOHN:
Out riding her broomstick.
Raa'Keel flicks a handful of lava on John, hitting the wide band of his pistol belt. He flinches back, grimacing.
RAA'KEEL:
I wonder which is worse-- to burn to death in lava, or to suffocate in a column of Armarak.
He holds the bucket up as if he plans on tossing the entire contents on our boys.
RAA'KEEL:
What do you think?
INT LUXAN FIGHTER
Chiana hovers behind Sikozu, now sitting in the co-pilot's seat.
CHIANA:
Try something.
SIKOZU:
I have tried every plausible combination.
CHIANA:
Well then, try something else!
SIKOZU:
Like what?
CHIANA:
Anything!
SIKOZU:
All right.
Glaring at Chi she slams the flat of her palm against the controls. The cannon fires, obliterating the cavern entrance. The girls yelp, Chi falls backward, and Sikozu gapes in complete astonishment.
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
The cavern rocks on the impact. Dust and debris falling from the ceiling.
GLEEG:
It's the Tarkans. They've come back early.
RAA'KEEL:
Don't be stupid. Why would they attack their own race?
GLEEG:
Maybe they found our transport. If they blew it up, we're trapped.
RAA'KEEL:
It's well hidden. How could they find it?
John and D'Argo discuss possibilities while Raa'Keel and Gleeg bicker.
D'ARGO:
That was Lo'La's cannon. Someone is in my ship.
JOHN:
It's gotta be the girls. But how did they get your bodily fluids?
D'ARGO:
Hm. Don't go there.
John raises his voice to get a bit of attention.
JOHN:
You wanted to know who was with us. You just found out. That was our squad blasting their way in.
RAA'KEEL:
Your squad?
JOHN:
Yeah. A whole platoon of big hairy guys with really cool tats and more guns than you can count. If they come down here and find us dead, they're gonna slit you from crotch to eyeball with a dull deer antler.
D'ARGO:
In other words, we die, you die. We live, and you might have a chance.
Raa'Keel is pacing, highly agitated.
RAA'KEEL:
You're lying!
He picks up the bucket of lava again, holding it theateningly.
GLEEG:
Wait... if it's true... we're gonna need some hostages.
RAA'KEEL:
Why now? Of all the times you could have come here, why now?! Do you know how long I've been planning this?!
[ "why so difficult!" hehe ]
JOHN:
Life sucks, don't it.
D'ARGO:
Well, quite often in fact.
A grunt of annoyance and Raa'Keel turns, handing the bucket of lava to the final henchman.
RAA'KEEL:
Here, take this. If they try anything, throw it at them!
He and Gleeg exit.
INT LUXAN FIGHTER
Sikozu is crouched over Chiana, trying to help her up.
CHIANA:
No, no, no, no, no! Don't-don't touch me!
SIKOZU:
It's not my fault.
CHIANA:
Don't touch--
SIKOZU:
Don't get angry.
CHIANA:
Not angry-- vomit... vomit.
Realizing, she pulls her hands back, careful with the remains of yellowish/reddish goop on her hands.
SIKOZU:
Oh. Yes... we must conserve it.
CHIANA:
Okay, you stay at the controls. I'm gonna go down and check things out. It may be an idea to turn the ship invisible. If... if you can figure out how.
Chi exits while Sikozu works on systems.
EXT PLANET
Chi approaches the gaping hole to the cavern, heavy smoke still rising, unholstering her pistol. Climbing over the remaining ledge she peers over, hops lightly over the top, a completely Chi-like movement, arms and legs akimbo, before she climbs down and out of sight.
CAVERN - TUNNELS
The old woman saunters along, dressed again, carrying her coat, her path neatly intersects that of Raa'Keel and Gleeg, unseen, who make their way to the entrance, bicking the entire way.
GLEEG:
You said this'd be easy. While the Tarkans are off delivering food to the orphans we loot the place then disappear.
The old woman appears in the tunnel behind them, walking close and completely unnoticed.
GLEEG:
Gun battles weren't part of the deal.
She darts into a parallel passage.
RAA'KEEL:
Stop complaining. You're wearing a shield belt.
GLEEG:
We were six! We're now three!
RAA'KEEL:
Then try and shoot straight you incompetent, it'd make a nice change.
The old woman pops out of the parallel passage as they walk on, still muttering bitterly.
GLEEG:
You're lucky I'm here at all!
And cut to Chi, nervously flitting about the tunnels.
INT LUXAN FIGHTER
Electronic beeps and bleeps mark Sikozu's continued frustrated attempts to engage the deception shroud.
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
Rygel wriggles on top of his container, needing to go in the worst possible way. John and D'Argo remain pinned in their tiny circle of lights. Their guard paces nervously, holding the bucket ready. Weirdly, the guy looks a bit like Gallagher, wispy hair, mustache and all.
STOOGE 1:
Keep still. Hit a beam and you'll be trapped like your smelly friend.
JOHN:
Mr. Redshirt, whatever the Tin Man's paying you, we'll double it.
John's hand drifts slowly over the butt of his holstered pistol.
D'ARGO:
Come on, you heard what Raa'Keel said. He doesn't want any witnesses. Do you think you can walk out of here alive with your share?
Behind them, Rygel begins struggling in earnest.
JOHN:
Don't take the chance. Throw in with us, you'll come out ahead. We're the good guys.
Good Guy A's right hand takes the butt of his pistol in hand as he talks.
STOOGE 1:
Shut up, or I'll give you a face full of--
Rygel's struggles pay off and he rolls off the container, hits and floor and rolls toward the trio near the trap. Stooge 1 whips around, bucket held at his side.
RYGEL:
Oh! Crichton!
John fires, hitting the bucket, it explodes in a shower, dousing the henchman's leg and hand in lava. The guy dances around in agony as Rygel continues rolling forward until he hits a beam and is completely encapsulated in amber. D'Argo and John use him as a stepping stone to escape the trap, over his weak protests from inside the globule.
A few strides across the cavern and D'Argo slams the butt of his rifle into the henchman's face, dropping him like a rock. John's a little too close, prompting D'Argo to spin around quickly against possible attack from the rear. Just behind him, John ducks and spins as well, evading the rifle blade. [ ahh, teamwork, gotta love it. ]
They both get an eyeful of Rygel, shouting incoherently from inside the Armarak.
JOHN:
Damn, he's completely encased. Where's that gizmo?
They both look around for the bazooka like gizmo that melts the Armarak.
D'ARGO:
( nodding to the side )
There.
John retrieves it, steps close while examining it.
JOHN:
Do you know how this thing works?
D'ARGO:
I dunno, just press the button.
John fiddles.
D'ARGO:
Watch where you point it!
Something in his fiddling works and the muzzle lights, an eerie green, a sudden jet of steam erupting startles him.
JOHN:
Whoa!
D'ARGO:
Set it lower!
He aims the jet of greenish steam at the base of the glob which is Rygel. Sound of melting goop, and then he shuts it off.
JOHN:
There ya go.
D'Argo peels the large glob of Rygel from the floor.
JOHN:
Prop him up so I can grill both sides.
INT LUXAN FIGHER
Sikozu continues fiddling, another whine of electronics and nothing.
SIKOZU:
Oh, damn it.
CAVERN - TUNNELS
Raa'Keel and Gleeg continue their slow progress.
RAA'KEEL:
I'm telling you. It couldn't have been an attack. Probably just a pressure eruption on the surface.
They walk out of shot and Chi pops out, following them carefully, a smile on her face.
GLEEG:
Nothing to worry about? Nothing to worry about? If our transport's damaged, we're dead.
EXT PLANET
What, about the fourth shot of the Fighter sitting on the surface?
INT LUXAN FIGHTER
Sikozu continues fiddling with the controls, trying to make something-- anything happen. Finally successful, she engages the Deception Shroud. Cut to ext. planet as the ship wavers and fades from view.
In the nick 'o time as well, as Raa'Keel and Gleeg climb out of the ruins of the cavern entry onto the planet surface.
RAA'KEEL:
Check the transport.
Gleeg wanders off to do so while Raa'Keel surveys the immediate area, failing to note the shrouded vessel.
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
John attempts to melt the goo from Rygel but the gizmo is not cooperating, cutting out repeatedly between weak gutters of greenish steam.
D'ARGO:
What are you doing? It's too low.
JOHN:
No, no, it's right.
Shot pans up, John holding the Gizmo and D'Argo right behind him, fiddling with it over his shoulder. [ So, what? The difference between 'these' bickerers and 'those' bickerers is... they're cuter? They're the good guys? Makes me giggle. ]
D'ARGO:
It's too low.
JOHN:
It's not too low.
D'ARGO:
Give it more power. What are you doing-- look, you're gonna break--
JOHN:
I think it's outta juice, and that--
D'ARGO:
No, you're breaking it!
JOHN:
That is maxed out!
The gizmo cuts out entirely.
JOHN:
It's outta juice.
D'ARGO:
Oh, great! Okay, there's another one of those canisters on the level up top.
D'Argo exits just as the unconscious henchman regains his senses, creeping up behind John unobserved.
JOHN:
All right, go get it. Don't drag your heels, Rygel's gonna die here on us.
Henchman drives an elbow into John's skull, knocking him forward. Recovering quickly he spins around, slamming the long muzzle of the gizmo into the henchman who falls to his knees at the edge of the pool of lava.
Grabbing up a large chunk of Rygel, the henchman stands, ready to slam the large hunk of amber onto John's head. John pokes him in the gut with the muzzle of the gizmo and the guy teeters backward.
JOHN:
Oh, no, no!
He reaches out quickly, trying to grab the guy by the waistband but he falls out of reach, and into the lava with a scream, taking Rygel with him.
JOHN:
Rygel!
He stands frozen on the edge of the pool of lava.
JOHN:
( softly )
Rygel... oh, crap.
END ACT III
ACT IV
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
Aiming the pulse pistol at his fingers, muttering quietly to himself, deciding which one might be the one to go.
JOHN:
( muttering )
Eenie, meenie, minie, moe...
Settling on the pinkie, he gets ready to fire. Harvey pops up, a large baggy isolation suit over traditional black leather.
HARVEY:
Don't even consider it, John!
John groans, annoyed, and glances at the specter.
HARVEY:
You know far too well, the shield belt doesn't work against lava!
JOHN:
Yeah... I figured that out. But it might work if it's already activated.
HARVEY:
Far too risky!
JOHN:
Look, I put Rygel in there, I'm gonna have to get him out.
HARVEY:
He's already dead.
JOHN:
You don't know that. The amber protects the crates, it might protect Rygel.
Harvey shouts, his voice vibrating loudly.
HARVEY:
How long has he been without air?!
JOHN:
He's amphibious, he can last. Would you quit buzzin' around in my head, you're givin' me a headache.
Harvey pouts silently. John waves the pulse pistol in his direction.
JOHN:
Go.
Harvey disappears on command, and John goes back to getting ready to blast his pinky off. He holds it out, steady as you please, squinting down Winona's site, scrinches his eyes closed, looking away-- and 'pow'-- nothing happens, the energy washes across his finger and dissipates, the disc on his chest lighting with a whine of energy.
Leaning forward he dips the finger in the lava pool, nothing.
JOHN:
Huh.
The disc whines down and the lights dim. He leans forward, dipping fingertips toward the lava again, hissing in pain. Standing, tight lipped, he nods.
JOHN:
Okay... at least we know I'm insane.
EXT PLANET
Chi peers at Raa'Keel and Gleeg over the edge of the blasted cavern entrance.
GLEEG:
Raa'Keel... transport's fine. Not a scratch. Did you see anyone?
RAA'KEEL:
No. It had to be a bluff.
GLEEG:
Then what did this?
RAA'KEEL:
I don't know. What's the difference? We're getting out now before the Tarkans get back. Load up as much as you can. I'll dispose of the hostages.
Raa'Keel heads back under.
CAVERN - TUNNELS
Chi creeps around, starting badly as she's grabbed from behind by the Old Woman.
NORANTI:
Shh, we must hide!
CHIANA:
What'd you think I was doin'?
NORANTI:
Shh! Come on.
They duck to cover while Raa'Keel swaggers by, returning to the lower cavern, muttering to himself.
RAA'KEEL:
( muttering )
...morons...
NORANTI:
( whispering )
These aren't real Tarkans at all, they're highly evil men!
CHIANA:
Oh? Well, I wouldn't have guessed. Come on, let's get the others and get out of here.
NORANTI:
( whispering )
No, it's not that easy.
Chiana rests her forehead on the old woman's ample ear.
NORANTI:
( whispering )
Our weapons are useless. We have to find the real Tarkans and tell them what's happening. Send a message.
CHIANA:
Right...
She dashes off.
CHIANA:
Are you klempt?
Chi chases her down, grabbing her and hauling her to a stop.
CHIANA:
Come here, come here, come-here! Hey, these are highly evil men... right?
She nods.
CHIANA:
Okay, Sikozu probably doesn't even know how to work the radio, right?
They both start, looking toward a noise, a sound of footsteps. Before Chi can turn back, the old woman darts off again.
CHIANA:
Hey, where are you going?
CAVERN
Clank whine and hiss of the dumb waiter, Gleeg works at unloading crates. Chiana slinks up behind a pillar, observing him, pistol at the ready. After he passes she looks around again briefly for the old woman.
CHIANA:
Frell her.
Darting away across the cavern floor.
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
Good god, John's wading through the waist deep pool of lava, the disc on his chest glowing, Winona held in his right hand.
JOHN:
All right, Sparky, where are ya? Come on, Bubba. I'm too old to be playin' hide and seek.
The disc whines, the glow decreasing. John shoots himself in the hand and the disc whines again, glow brightening.
JOHN:
At least that works.
CAVERN
Gleeg crosses back across the floor as D'Argo makes his way from the opposite direction. Their paths intersect. D'Argo snarls, bringing the blade up. They charge each other, Gleeg bashing D'Argo with his very big rifle, D'Argo returns the favor, bashing Gleeg with his blade, and then it's down to fists. They trade a few vigorous blows before we cut back to John.
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
John wades back across the pool, prodding the bottom with his feet.
JOHN:
Damn, this has gotta be bad for the sperm count.
He prods something with his toe.
JOHN:
Is that you? Give me a bubble.
He holsters Winona, bending down beneath the steam to retrieve Rygel. While he's down, Raa'Keel rises from the lava behind him. John rises in turn, holding the englobed Rygel in his hands.
JOHN:
Ah... okay, let's get you some O2.
He turns and is immediately bashed by Raa'Keel. Staggering he drops Rygel into the lava again, and gets bashed again before he can recover. He and Raa-Keel go at it and let's not even talk about how neither of them gets any of the slimy red goo on them, not even when Raa'Keel forces John's head under the surface.
Raa'Keel peers into the steam, searching for him and he kindly obliges, popping up and bashing him in the face with Winona. Raa'Keel disappears beneath the surface and John staggers a bit, the disc on his chest powering down. He shoots himself in the hand again and Raa'Keel bounces up. They grapple for the weapon.
RAA'KEEL:
Nice use of the shield belt but without that pathetic little weapon... you'll burn!
John bashes Raa'keel in the face with Winona with each word.
JOHN:
You do not... talk. About. Winona. Like that!
CAVERN
D'Argo and Gleeg continue to wrestle about, exchanging blows. D'Argo grabs him firmly and shoves his head into the dumb waiter. A clang and a gout of steam. Gleeg screams are cut off by a chopping noise. D'Argo releases a headless corpse which flops to the ground. Not Sebacean then, Gleeg had blue blood.
D'ARGO:
Lift going down?
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
Gleeg's head drops into the dumb waiter alcove and bounces onto the floor, rolling toward John and Raa'Keel, still wrestling for Winona in the pool of lava.
JOHN:
Whoa, is that a head?!
The head drops into a pool of lava.
CAVERN - TUNNELS
Chi still creeping around in the tunnels, she hears the sound of struggle.
CAVERN - LOWER LEVEL
Raa'Keel slams their joined hands against the edge of the pool and Winona pops out of his grasp, clattering to a stop a short distance away. John dives for it but Raa'Keel pulls him backward, his fingertips sliding away from the pistol.
The disc on John's chest whines down, the lights dimming. He reaches for the weapon again but Raa'Keel hauls him back, slamming him against the opposite side.
RAA'KEEL:
Prepare to feel fire!
Chiana dashes in, shouting.
CHIANA:
Crichton!
John looks back, mostly pinned under the weight of the larger alien.
JOHN:
Chiana, shoot!
She instantly obeys, shooting Raa'Keel. The energy washes harmlessly over his armored back.
JOHN:
Not him! Me!
CHIANA:
What?
JOHN:
Just shoot me!
Again she obeys, shooting John in the back. The energy washes harmlessly across his back and the disc powers up, the lights glowing brightly. John drives an elbow into Raa'Keel's face, driving him backward, then with hands flat on the edge of the pool lifts up and drives his feet into the alien.
Raa'Keel spins about, spotting the pulse pistol on the opposite side of the pool and wades toward it. Chiana leaps nimbly back to not be splashed by any of the molten lava they aren't splashing about [but hey, low budget here, I'm not gonna bitch... too much]. John attacks from behind, shoving Raa'Keel forward.
The alien lurches forward, his head slamming onto the pulse pistol, there is an energy discharge and abruptly, Raa'Keel's head is sealed inside a large lump of amber. [ eh, don't ask me why/how ] Chiana hasn't a single clue to what the frell is goin' on.
John backs off, panting and wheezing from the effort.
JOHN:
( breathless )
Keep shootin' me. I gotta find Rygel.
She shoots him, reenergizing the disc, and he dips beneath the surface. Chiana stands, nervously shuffling, only slightly less than scared spitless. D'Argo arrives in time for her to give him another 'what the frell?' look.
CHIANA:
What's goin' on, tell me wha...
Eh, but D'Argo doesn't know what the hell is going on either. They both watch the pool, and shortly John surfaces, the amber globule containing Rygel held above his head.
JOHN:
Can I get a, "hell, yeah!"?
Jump cut to immediately later, Rygel de-ambered, the greenish steam washing over him. He groans, wriggling urgently.
RYGEL:
Quickly, quickly!
JOHN:
I'm workin' it!
RYGEL:
Hurry!
John shuts off the gizmo, and Rygel sits up, a slight ripping noise as he frees himself.
RYGEL:
Oh, hezmana.
Pan up to John, Chiana and D'Argo as Rygel scurries unseen behind a nearby rock, barely in time to release a raucous and prolonged spurt of gas and... those, uh, pool guys.
RYGEL:
Oh!
The gas so dense it's actually 'visible' behind Rygel. Cue all to turn away, horrified, hands to mouth. Voices contorted by the helium from Rygel's body.
JOHN:
( very high pitched helium voice )
Whoa! Oh, man! Somebody had somethin' crawl up their ass and die!
Rygel continues to pass gas quite loudly, a big grin on his face.
JOHN:
( very high pitched helium voice )
Damn, nobody light a match!
CHIANA:
( high pitched helium voice )
Or breathe.
VOICE:
Or move.
John brings the gizmo to bear on the new arrival, planning to-- steam him to death I guess. A more sensible Chi holds her little pistol on the guy. D'Argo moves to unsheath his Qualta Blade, but stops, mouth agape.
The new arrivals are all the same species alien as Raa'Keel, right down to sightless converted bicycle helmets.
NORANTI:
No. No wait. These are Tarkans. Good people.
JOHN:
That's what you said the last time.
NORANTI:
No, no, don't worry. I've told them all about the robbery and how we're not their enemies.
JOHN:
And they believed you?
The alien turns to the body on the floor.
TARKAN:
Raa'Keel... once one of us. Now just a traitor and a thief.
He kicks the body.
JOHN:
( aside to D'Argo )
I guess they believed her.
TARKAN:
You're free to go.
Rygel farts ... again, laughing.
TARKAN:
( high pitched voice )
As long as you take him with you.
END ACT IV
TAG
EXT PLANET
John and D'Argo head wearily toward the luxan fighter, John raises the shield belt held in his hand, toward the Tarkan standing next to the old woman.
JOHN:
Thanks for the belt.
TARKAN:
A Pleasure.
( to Noranti )
And... thank you for the, uh,...
NORANTI:
Oh, Jilnak!
TARKAN:
Mm.
She offers the alien a large pouch. John and D'Argo dart over to her, lifting her off her feet in their hurry to get her away from the alien.
JOHN:
Oh, my module is parked in orbit and the meter is running out.
They give her the bums rush toward the ship.
INT LUXAN FIGHTER
Rygel sits slumped miserably.
RYGEL:
Oh, I'll never eat again. The very thought of food nauseates me.
Chi leans close, tormenting just a bit.
CHIANA:
Sork wings? Crispy Grolack?
John makes his way between everyone to the co-pilot's seat.
JOHN:
Excuse me... excuse me.
D'ARGO:
What is this mess?! And the smell!
SIKOZU:
This... is all you. Well, from you.
D'ARGO:
Whose idea was this?
CHIANA:
Mine.
JOHN:
D, why don't we fire this thing up before the Tarkans realize that Grandma has poisoned them.
NORANTI:
Merely a cleansing restorative.
RYGEL:
Not one word.
D'Argo powers up systems, the engines flaring to life.
LO'LA:
Power systems at your command.
The ship lifts off slowly.
LO'LA:
A received transmission awaits your review.
JOHN:
We have an answering machine?
CHIANA:
We've got a message?
RYGEL:
Quick. Play it, play it now!
D'ARGO:
Just shut up!
He flicks a control and the transmission fills the cabin, slightly broken by static, but familiar.
PILOT:
Ka D'Argo... Moya and I have recieved your signal. Here is our location. We look forward to your return.
Chi leans her head on D'Argo's shoulder.
CHIANA:
( softly )
It's Pilot.
PILOT:
Repeat... Moya and I have received your signal.
JOHN:
( smiling )
Pilot.
RYGEL:
Oh, by the yotz. Moya's all right. She's waiting for us.
A gorgeous CGI view out the forward portal, a dark blue nebula spreading across the black expanse of stars. His hand going to his mouth, covering a very large smile, John leans back in his seat and cut to close on him, his expression still joyful, but thoughtful as well.
In the silence a great feeling of happiness as all contemplate the return home.
Freeze on Chiana and fade to black.
ROLL CLOSING CREDITS
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