Family Ties Episode Transcript The Fifth Wheel Written by Michael J. Weithorn Directed by Andrew McCullough Transcribed by Jenny Dury Living room: Steven and Elyse come down the stairs getting ready to go out for the evening. Steven: Elyse, it isn't like you to have such a closed-mind. I think Dale Lewis would make a good state senator. He has some very interesting ideas. Elyse: Sorry Steven, it's just hard to get excited about someone who's entire campaign revolves around changing the state bird. Steven: What do you have against chickens? Elyse: I don't think chickens would look good on a state flag. Steven: Ok, ok, but changing the bird is just part of his campaign. Elyse: Right he also wants a new Ohio State song. Steven: What's wrong with that? Elyse: He wants Oklahoma. Steven: Ok, it's not a big issue, it just shows that he's willing to adress himself to even the smallest details. I think that's an admirable quality. Elyse: It's an admirable quality in a tailor. I want my representatives to adress themselves to more important issues. Steven: Look, if your so dead sent against Lewis, there's no point in you hearing him speak tonight, why don't you just stay home? Elyse: Maybe I will. Alex: Good for you Mom, this Lewis guy is a real clown, he wants to cut defense spending, he wants to increase welfare spending, he supports the ERA, the man is an admitted liberal. I think you're right not to go. Elyse: Come on Steven, we're going to be late. As Elyse and Steven walk towards the front door to leave, Mallory and Jennifer enter from the kitchen. Mallory: Jennifer says I have to babysit tonight. Steven: That's right Mallory, it's your turn. Mallory: But, Jeff asked me to go to the movies with him. Steven: You knew we were going out, and you knew it was your turn. Mallory: I couldn't say no. You know how insecure Jeff is. As it was, he called three times in a phony voice, it might be weeks before he asks again. Jennifer: Why don't you let her go, to be honest I enjoy the salitude. I might even write a poem. Elyse: Actually honey, you're still too young to stay alone. Steven: We better get going or we'll be late to the meeting. Elyse: We don't want to miss the opening course of Oklahoma. Steven: Bye. Elyse: Bye. Alex, Mallory & Jennifer: Bye. Mallory walks over to Alex. Mallory: Alex. Alex: The answer is no. Mallory: Oh, why can't you stay with her? You're not doing anything tonight. Alex: That's not the point. Mallory, she's your responsibility tonight. You have to learn to carry your share of the burden around here. Mallory: I tell you what Alex, you stay with her this time, and I'll do it the next three. Alex: Make it five, and you got a deal. Mallory: Got it. Jennifer: This is doing great things to my self-esteem. Alex: I just hope you realize Mallory, that you are shirking your responsibility tonight, not to mention disappointing your little sister. Mallory: I know, I know, my heart goes out to her, I have to go find something decent to wear. Alex: Well kid, you lucked out, you get to spend an evening with me. What do you want to do? Jennifer: I think I'll go to bed early. Kitchen: Mallory, Alex and Jennifer are sitting at the kitchen table. The phone rings, Alex gets up to answer it. Alex: Hello? Oh hi Neil, what's going on? Oh, I can't tonight, I'm babysitting my little, oh really, no tonight's not good for me, wow, that's tempting...maybe I could.... Mallory and Jennifer: Alex! Alex: It's about 50/50 Mallory and Jennifer look at Alex Alex: 60/40 Mallory and Jennifer look at Alex Alex: I'll get back to you. Mallory: What was it? Another party? Alex: No, not at all, just a group of fellow young men, getting together to chat about world events. Jennifer: A poker game. Alex: You got it. And Chuck the fish is going to be there, he never wins. How could I talk you in to staying tonight? Mallory: You couldn't. We switched tonight, and a deal's a deal. (Jeff knocks at the kitchen door) Jeff: Hello Mallory. Mallory: Hello Jeff. Jeff: Hello Alex. Alex: So, Jeff, you're really going out with Mallory tonight huh? Jeff: Yeah. Alex: Boy, I admire your courage. Jeff: What do you mean? Alex: I just wouldn't drive on a night like tonight. Jeff: It's a beautiful night. Alex: Those are the most dangerous times to drive. All the people who are afraid to drive in the rain are out there. Mallory: Forget it Alex, we're going. Jeff: I don't know Mallory, maybe he's right. Mallory: Jeff. Jeff: Ok. Mallory: Look Jen, I'm real sorry I switched with Alex tonight, but you understand don't you? Jennifer: Not exactly, but I'm sure I will, right after puberty. Jeff: I'll see you later. You guys have a good time. Mallory: Jeff. Jeff: Yeah. Mallory and Jeff leave through the kitchen door. Alex: So, what do you want to do? Jennifer: Want to play Cinderella? Alex: I seriously doubt it. Jennifer: Hear me out, one of us gets dressed up like Cinderella, and one of us gets dressed up like the prince, and then we go and see if Mom's slippers fit me. Alex: It sounds exciting, but I think I'll pass. Jennifer, let me explain to you the importance of poker in a man's life. Jennifer: Alex, you're not going to the game. Alex: In this industrial society of ours, there aren't a lot of battles for a man to fight, there aren't a lot of opportunities to go one on one with another man, there aren't a lot of tests of one's courage and stanama, do you know what I mean? Jennifer: Do you want to get Mom's slippers? Or should I? Alex: I've got a better idea get your coat. Jennifer: You're not throwing me out into the street are you? I saw Nicholas Nicklebee, I know what can happen to kids out there. Alex: Don't worry, your going to the game with me. It'll be fun. Jennifer: Alex, I'm not going. Alex: You have no choice. Jennifer: Then I'm going. Alex: I'm just going to write Mom and Dad a note, I wouldn't want them to worry about you. Jennifer: Why would they worry? I'm obviously in good hands. At Neil's apartment: Guy: I think it's about 20 cents. Guy: I'm in. Guy: I'm in. Jennifer: What are you nuts? Alex: Jennifer knock it off. Jennifer: Then let me play, I'm bored, besides you promised I could. Alex: Listen up guys, is it all right if my sister plays one hand with us? I dragged her all the way here, she's tired, cranky, and I think just playing the one hand would mean a lot to her. Guys: No! Guy: Deal. Guy: I fold. Jennifer: Alex! Alex: You heard the guys Jennifer, they said no, what else can I do? Neil, do you have any toys she can play with? Neil: Toys? Alex: Yeah, a model car, a doll, some silly putty? Neil: I have a toaster. Alex: Jennifer, Neil says you can play with his toaster. Jennifer: Wow, if you had some bread it would be really fun. Neil: Don't stick a fork in it kid. Jennifer: You don't own any forks. Neil: Excuse me, this isn't a restaurant Jennifer: This isn't an apartment either. Alex: Just leave us alone please? Neil, are you in or out? Neil: I'm in, I already put in my money. Guy: Those are my quarters. Guy: How do you know their yours? Jennifer leaves the apartment feeling left out. No one notices. Guy: How do you know their not? Alex: Come on, I don't think Neil would lie about 50 cents. Neil: Thankyou Alex. Alex: A buck maybe. Guy: I'm in. Guy: I'm in too. Guy: I have three kings. Guy: I have two pair. Alex: Not so fast Areny, full house, seven's over Jacks. Guy: Damn. Alex: Don't be such a sore loser Areny, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't swear in front of my sister. Areny: Sorry Alex, sorry Jennifer. Jennifer, Jennifer, where's Jennifer Alex? Alex: What are you talking about? She's right over there. Jennifer. Jennifer. Quit hiding. Ok, I'm sorry I said what I said, Ok? Jennifer? Jennifer, she's not there, she's not there! She's gone, I can't believe it. Where could she go? Neil: Check and see if the toaster is still here. Areny: Come on Alex, annie up. Alex: Areny, my sister is gone. Areny: Are you in or out? Alex: I'm out, I'm out. Areny: Come on Alex, you're the big winner, you can't drop out now, I'm losing a bundle here. Knock at door. Alex: She's back, she's back. Thank God. Elyse and Steven are at the door. Alex: Hi, what are you doing here? Elyse: We got your note, we thought we'd come by and pick up Jennifer. Guy: Would you like to sit down Mrs. Keaton? Elyse: If I sit down, I'm afraid I wouldn't want to get up. Steven: Where is Jennifer, Alex? Alex: She's...she's with Jeff and Mallory. Yeah, they just came by a few minutes ago to pick her up. I'm surprised you didn't pass them in the hall. Elyse and Steven: No. Alex: She was fast asleep, they had to carry her down to the car. It was really cute, right guys? Guys: Yeah, yeah. Guy: Darling. The most darling thing I've ever seen. Guy: Really, really precious. Steven: Ok, then, we'll see you at home then Alex, do you think you'll be much longer? Alex: No, no, not at all. As a matter of fact, we were just about to quit. Right guys? Guys: Right. Alex: Well, I had fun, Mom, Dad I'll see you at home in a few minutes, see you next week. Elyse: Nice to meet you. Guy: Same here. Mallory and Jeff are in the livingroom by the couch. Mallory: Jeff, sit. Jeff: So did you enjoy the movie? Mallory: I did. I really did. Jeff. Most people don't enjoy Truefol the first time. Mallory: Well I did. Jeff. And you could follow it in French? Mallory: It was in French? Jeff: Where's Alex and Jennifer? Mallory: Who? Oh, I guess they're upstairs. Jeff: What's the note? Mallory: Oh. Dear Mom and Dad, everything's fine, Mallory had a date, so I'm in charge of Jennifer, we went to Neil's. Jeff: So no one else is home then? Mallory: No, just you and me. Jeff: Maybe I should leave. Mallory: I don't think so. Mallory kisses Jeff. Alex comes in through the front door. Alex grabs Jeff, to get to Mallory. Alex: Mallory! Jeff: I made her do it Alex, I'm an animal, I don't deserve to live. Alex: Where's Jennifer? Mallory: I thought she was with you. Jeff: I got caught up in the moment, I couldn't control myself. Alex: Jeff. Jeff: I'm not normally like this, I don't know what came over me, when I'm around Mallory I go crazy. Alex: Jeff, calm down, we have other problems here. I lost Jennifer. Mallory: I thought you took her to the card game with you! Alex: I did, but when I was playing she just wandered off. Mallory: Oh no. Alex: Mom and Dad came to the card game to get her. Mallory; Oh no. Alex: They're right behind me. I had to drive on the side walk to beat them home. Jeff: Maybe Jennifer came home, and is upstairs sleeping. Alex: I hope your right. Mallory: I'll look. Mallory goes upstairs. Alex: I sort of told my parents that Jennifer was with you so I'd appreciate it if you'd... Jeff: Lie? Alex: That about says it yeah. Jeff: Sure Alex, if you want me to. Look, if Jennifer's not home, maybe we should go and look for her, we both have cars. Alex: Good idea, Jeff, thankyou for your support I'm glad your here. Jeff: Not at all. They hug. Elyse and Steven come in through the front door to find Alex and Jeff hugging. Steven: Your certainly not the two I expected to see on the couch. Where's Mallory:? Alex: She went upstairs to check on Jennifer. Mallory comes downstairs. Elyse: Hi, everything all right with Jen? Mallory looks over at Alex: Yeah, everything's just fine. Elyse: Well, I think I'll go and tuck her in. Mallory: Oh, you don't need to do that. I just tucked her in, she's fully tucked. Alex: So how was your meeting? Are you guys going to vote for Dale Lewis? Steven: No way, boy, was I wrong about him. Elyse: Yeah, he's great! Alex: Wait a minute, when you left, I thought Dad was for him and you were against him? What happened? Elyse and Steven: We heard him speak. Alex: You'll have to excuse us, I'm going to drive Jeff home. Jeff: Goodnight Mr. Keaton, goodnight Mrs. Keaton. Bojour Mallory. Mallory: Bojour Jeff. Alex: Jeff I'm waiting. Steven: Why are you driving him Alex? Jeff has a car. Alex: Jeff has a low battery, and I'm going to follow him in case he gets into trouble. Elyse: If you want to go along for the ride, and come back with Alex, it's ok. Mallory: Oh, no thanks, I'm pretty tired. Steven: Well, I"m kind of tired too, I think I'll go up to bed. Elyse: Me too. Mallory: Wait. Elyse: What? Mallory: Nothing, I just thought we could talk before you went upstairs that's all. Elyse: I'm awfully tired, honey, can it wait until tomorrow? Steven and Elyse head up the stairs. Mallory: I guess, I just wanted to talk about boys and sex. Elyse and Steven come back down the stairs. Elyse and Mallory are sitting on the couch and Steven is standing near by. Elyse looks bored, and half asleep, while Mallory looks intently while Steven talks. Steven: And then the young kangaroo suckling lives in it's mother's pouch for many months, until it's able to venture out on it's own. Elyse: I think she knows all that Steven, I think she wants to talk about men and women. Alex comes in through front door. Elyse: Alex, where have you been? You've been gone for almost an hour! Steven: Did Jeff have car trouble? Alex: Yes, yes he did as a matter of fact. Alex: Has Jennifer woken up yet? Mallory: Not yet. Elyse: Why should Jennifer wake up? Steven: Alex, is anything wrong? Going back and forth between Elyse and Steven: Alex: Yes, yes it is. It's kind of a long story. You see, I didn't want to play Cinderella, all night and dress up in your clothes Mom, you know how shy Jeff is, I got the call about the game, Chuck hasn't won a hand in three months, they offered her the toaster. Elyse: Alex, what are you talking about? Alex: I took Jennifer to the game, and lost her. Steven: You lost Jennifer in a card game? Alex: No, no, I mean she disappeared from the apartment. Elyse: What? Steven: You don't know where she is?! Alex: We figured she came home. Steven: I'm calling the police. Elyse, call Chrissy's house, see if she went there. Alex call Neil's and see if she came back. They all head for the phone. Elyse: Steven, we've only got one phone! Steven: Alex, go next door to Mrs. Obeck's and use her phone. Elyse: I'll go to the Barkers. They go in different directions, meanwhile Jennifer comes in through the front door. Jennifer: Hello. Everyone: Jennifer. Steven: Jennifer baby are you ok? Jennifer: I'm fine, I'm fine, just a little tired. Alex: Where were you? I was worried sick about you. Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, I bet. Elyse: Where were you? Jennifer: I took the bus, I was with someone lonelier then me, the bus driver. Oh by the way he's coming over next Thursday night for dinner. The bus driver honks. Jennifer: It's ok Sam, you can go now, bye. Elyse: Jennifer you can't just walk away like that, we were scared to death. Jennifer: I know, I'm sorry, I just got sick of being in the way. Steven: Honey, honey, you've never been in the way, Alex and Mallory won't get off so easy. Jennifer: Don't be too hard on them dad, I'm just a little sister, why should I expect anyone to want to spend time with me. Jennifer runs upstairs. Jennifer is sitting on her bed looking sad. Alex and Mallory knock on her door. Alex: Hi, Mom said you'd see us now. Can we come in? Jennifer: Sure. Mallory: Thanks. Jennifer: I guess you want me to leave then. Alex: Wait a minute. Why would we want you to leave? Jennifer: Well, you never seem to want me around lately. Mallory: Come on Jennifer that's not true. Jennifer: Oh, yeah, is that why you dumped me for Jeff? Mallory: Jennifer. Alex: She was only... Jennifer: At least she dumped me for a nice guy Alex, you dumped me for a group of wine-o's. Mallory: Yeah, Alex. Alex: Hey, who's side are you on here? Jennifer: On the other hand, Mallory you hurt me even more. I don't expect anything from Alex. Alex: Yeah Mallory, what do you mean you don't expect anything of me? Are you saying I neglected you? Jennifer: Alex, the only time you talk to me is, when you want me to leave the room or you need some money. Alex: How can you say that? I talked to you this morning. I said, hey, how you doing? Jennifer: I'm touched. Mallory: Look Jennifer, I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but we're grounded. Jennifer: For how long? Alex: Lets put it this way, you'll be driving before we will. Jennifer: Look, I don't know why you guys are here. You don't care about me. It's always, you're too young for this Jennifer, or we can't go because of you Jennifer. I'm not a person, I'm a little sister. Mallory: Jennifer we don't really treat you like that. Jennifer: Yes you do. You guys are always so busy. You never have time for me. Alex, your busy with your work, your clubs, your school. Mallory, your busy with your boys, and what else do you do? Alex: It's just because we're older Jennifer, when you get to be our age, you'll be busy too. Jennifer: I'll never be your age. No matter what I do, you guys will always get to do it first. Alex: That's true Jennifer, but there's a lot of advantages to being the youngest. Jennifer: Like what? Alex: Well, for one thing, Mallory and I have wore Mom and Dad down, we've trained them, by the time your own age, you'll be running this place. Jennifer: That is something to look forward to, but what am I supposed to do between now and then? Mallory: We'll try to make it more fun for you Jen. Jennifer: Will you guys let me get in trouble with you more often? Alex: Sure we will. Jennifer: Will you take all the blame when we do? Alex: We always do. Jennifer: I know. That's my favorite part about being a little sister. Alex: You know Jennifer, when we didn't know where you were, we were really worried about you. Jennifer: Mean it? Alex: There was a moment there when I wondered what it would be like if you weren't around and I didn't like the idea. For one thing I'd be stuck here alone with Mallory. Mallory: We love you Jennifer, sometimes we forget to say it, but we do. Jennifer: You too Alex? Alex: Me too. Elyse and Steven knock on Jennifer's door. Elyse: Just wanted to count heads. Steven: One, two, three, all present and accounted for. The next count will be at 0:100 hours. Jennifer: You don't have to do that anymore Dad, I'm not going to run away again. Alex: Yeah, we'll keep her happy, we'll make sure she gets out every now and then, we'll feed her, and keep her clean. Steven: No child could ask for more. Elyse: At least now, we're aware of how Jennifer feels, maybe something good has come out of tonight after all. Alex: That's true, today has been a very positive experience, things we've learned... Steven: Can it Alex, you're still in big trouble. Jennifer, I know you feel that sometimes you get lost in the shuffle, and that's wrong, we should watch out for that. Elyse: But, even if that does happen, please remember, we love you, and we don't mean to take you for granted. Mallory: If I've taken anyone for granted in the past six months, I apologize. Everyone: I except. Alex: And hey, I'm not totally blameless here. Elyse: Don't be so rough on yourself Alex. Alex: No, no, I mean it, sometimes I'm not as sensitive to all of you as I could be. Everyone: No. Alex: And sometimes, I'm a little too self-centered. Everyone: No. Alex: Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest. Steven: It was a real catharsis Alex, I'm drained. Alex: Well, come on Jennifer, what do you want to do tonight? You name it, I'm your guy. You want to play all-star baseball? Jennifer: Nope. Alex: Clue? Jennifer: Nope. Alex: What do you want to do? Jennifer: You know what I want to play. Alex: I'll go get Mommy's slippers. Alex and Jennifer hug.