'Sherry Baby'

Intro. Music:

Scene 1

(Elyse and Steven in living room.  Mallory enters)

Mallory:	I don't mean to be rude but do you guys mind if I use
		this room for a while?
Steven:		Oh no, go right ahead.
Mallory:	Well what I mean is, what I'm trying to say-
Elyse:		Want us to leave?
Mallory:	Well not right away I was hoping you could help me
		clean up before you left.
Steven:		Do we have to leave the grounds altogether?  Can't we
		find a room somewhere to hide?
Mallory:	Oh you don't understand, Sherry Marshall's going to be
		here any minute and I'm anxious to make a good
		impression on her.
Elyse:		Who is Sherry Marshall?
Mallory:	She happens to be a Pi Gnu the best sorority in the
		whole world, she's the president.
Steven:		Is she coming alone or with some secret service
		agents?
Mallory:	Yesterday out of all the kids in Mrs Poger's class,
		Sherry picked me to do her science project with her,
		I think she may ask me to pledge a sorority so I want
		everything to be perfect.
			(Alex enters carrying Skippy, Jennifer
			following)
Alex:		You guys, can you give me a hand with Skippy?
Mallory:	Oh no!  Why are you bringing him in here?
Skippy:		Is that the voice of my beloved?  Is that you Mallory?
Mallory:	I'm not your beloved Skippy we've been through this
		before I am your neighbour and ex-baby-sitter.
Elyse:		What happened?
Alex:		Oh he as going out for a pass and he ran into the pole.
Jennifer:	I told you to run a down and in Skippy, you were
		supposed to go to the pole and stop!
Skippy:		I did, I stopped when I hit the pole.
Elyse:		(To Jennifer) Get a cold rag honey (Jennifer leaves)
		(To Skippy) come and sit down Skippy.
Mallory:	Ah mom don't let him sit down, Sherry's going to be
		here any minute.
Elyse:		He's hurt, he's gotta sit down.
Mallory:	Well then at least cover him up with something.
Steven:		Can't you talk nicely to Skippy?
Mallory:	Sorry day (Walking over to Skippy) listen Skip ah,
		it's vital that you leave now someone very important
		is on her way over to see me, obviously I don't want
		her to think I know you.
Skippy:		I understand.
Steven:		That's much better.
Elyse:		Com'on Skippy let's take a look at that scratch.
			(Door bell rings)
Mallory:	That's her - quick get him out of here.
Elyse:		Oh Mallory.
Skippy:		Hurry, hurry before she sees me!
			(All leave except Mallory)
Mallory:	Hi Sherry come on in. (Answering door)
			(Sherry enters)
Sherry:		Hi.
Mallory:	You know I am really glad were partners, it's going to
		be a lot of fun and it's a great chance for us to get
		to know one another.
Sherry:		Yah great, where's Alex?
Mallory:	Huh?
Sherry:		Alex Keaton, isn't he your brother?
Mallory:	I suppose technically hi is yeah.  Anyway (opening
		book) I was thinking something along the lines of
		ecology, maybe a chart showing the breeding cycle-
Sherry:		So um is he here?
Mallory:	I don't know, we're really not that close. I run into
		him now and again down at the market.
			(Alex enters, turns on radio)
Alex:		Oh I hope you don't mind, it's time for the commerce
		and shipping news.
Mallory:	Alex we do mind we're doing a project for school here.
Alex:		All right, all right I'll listen to it upstairs, it's
		a lot more exciting in stereo anyway.
Sherry:		Wait, know what, I'll go with you.  I just love the
		commerce and shopping news.
Alex:		Shipping.
Sherry:		Ah right, y'know, I don't think we've met, I'm Sherry
		Marshall. (Extending hand)
Alex:		(Shaking hand) Great, take care of yourself.
			(Alex leaves)
Mallory:	So anyway what do you think about the ecology thing?
		Or maybe you have something else in mind.
Sherry:		Does Alex ever go out with any of your friends?
Mallory:	No, never, he says he has some kind of reputation to
		uphold.
Sherry:		S'too bad, he's really cute I was hoping um we could
		double-date sometime.
Mallory:	Double-date, me and you.
Sherry:		But if Alex never goes out with your friends.
Mallory:	Ah did I say never?  I don't know what I was thinking.
Sherry:		Well come to think of it there's still some openings
		on our sorority list, we're voting on them next week
		at our big dance, that would be a great place for a
		double-date.
			(Alex enters)
Alex:		Forgot my globe, (Picking up globe) ah how's your
		project coming?
Mallory:	It's starting to shape up.

Scene 2

(Kitchen: present are Steven, Elyse and Jennifer)

Steven:		Ah, I've come up with a terrific idea for Mallory's
		science project.
Elyse:		Isn't Mallory supposed to come up with an idea?
Jennifer:	Her idea was for dad to come up with one.
Steven:		Anyway I think she should try making a scale model of
		a molecule.
Jennifer:	Mallory can't even make a salad!
Elyse:		Steven I can see it coming, you're going to do the
		whole project for her.
Steven:		Uh uh I learned my lesson on that relief map of South
		Africa I did for Jennifer.
Jennifer:	I had to take an incomplete on that one.
Steven:		I explained that to you Jennifer, I ran out of paste,
		anyway I still think you should have handed it in.
Jennifer:	Mrs Dander's pretty sharp, I think she would have
		noticed if Brazil was missing.
			(Mallory enters)
Steven:		Hi honey.
Mallory:	Hi.
			(Jennifer sits on chair)
Mallory:	Uh Jennifer don't sit there that's Alex's chair.
Jennifer:	Since when?
Mallory:	Well he prefers to sit there I think we should let
		Alex have his way on that.  He asks so little of us.
			(Everyone looks amazed)
Jennifer:	Have you been under your hairdryer too long?
			(Alex enters)
Alex:		Morning.
Steven:		Hey Alex.
Mallory:	Oh hi, Alex your favourite chair is ready I've been
		holding it for you.  What kind of cereal will you be
		having this morning?
Alex:		This kind. (Pointing to cereal container)
Mallory:	Uh let me get that for you.  Uh would you like some
		toast to go with that?
Alex:		No I'm a I'm going in early this morning I don't have
		time to wait for toast.
Mallory:	Well have dad's. (Taking toast form Steven just as he
		is about to bite it) I'm sorry dad I'I didn't know you
		wanted that.
Steven:		Well t'there was no way you could tell.
			(Steven gets up and Mallory sits down in the
			same chair)
Mallory:	Alex what would you say if I told you I could get you
		a date with one of the most popular girls in school?
Alex:		I'd say that I don't need your help to do that.  Like
		who?
Mallory:	She is a wonderful girl with a great personality.
Alex:		No sounds bad all ready, look Mallory this wouldn't be
		your friend Sherry would it?
Mallory:	Right.
Alex:		No way.
Mallory:	Why not?
Alex:		Well just the fact that you want me to go out with her
		is enough reason not to.
Steven:		That's sweet.
Mallory:	Look Alex for some strange reason Sherry Marshall
		thinks you're cute now I want you to go out with her,
		say great things about me and help me to get into Pi
		Gnu.
Elyse:		Mallory you sound a little desperate about this
		sorority.
Mallory:	I'm not desperate, but I wanta get in.
Elyse:		Look i'is it worth joining this sorority though if
		you have to be manipulative and deceitful to get in?
Mallory:	Yeah.  Com'on mom you know what these things are like,
		the hard part is getting in and then once you're in
		then you can be yourself.
			(Car horn is heard)
Alex:		Oh that's my ride I gotta be in early today.
Mallory:	Oh whata you say Alex?  She really thinks you're cute.
Alex:		Listen Mallory, I don't go out with girls who have:
		I.Qs lower than room temperature, who have contagious
		diseases or who are friends of yours.  And there's
		certainly some overlap in those three categories.   

Scene 3

(Living room: Steven and Elyse present)

			(Jennifer enters)
Jennifer:	How's your science project going dad?
Steven:		Well it's not my science project Jennifer it's
		Mallory's.  Having some trouble with it.
Jennifer:	What is it?
Steven:		Uh ice.
Jennifer:	Don't let it melt.
Steven:		Well, i'it's not really ice, this is a perfect
		representation of a group of crystallised water
		molecules.
Elyse:		Your father's very proud of it, he's hoping for an
		'A'.
			(Alex and Mallory enter)
Mallory:	Alex why won't you help me out on this it's just one
		date that's all.
Alex:		It's the principal Mallory I am not some cheap floozy
		available for one night stands for people you want to
		impress next thing you'll be asking me to jump out of
		a cake.
			(Skippy enters)
Skippy:		Hi, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Elyse:		Hi Skippy actually no were just going into dinner.
Skippy:		As luck would have it I am free for dinner tonight.
Steven:		That is lucky.
Mallory:	Forget it Skippy.
Elyse:		She's kidding you're welcome to stay for dinner but
		call your mother (Pointing to phone)
Skippy:		(Pointing back) She sent me over.
			(Elyse and Mallory retire to kitchen)
Steven:		So Skippy what do you think of my er I mean er
		Mallory's er science project?
Skippy:		Well my da I mean mine came up better.
Steven:		Mallory's not finished yet.
			(Steven leaves)
Skippy:		Alex, I'm not just here for dinner tonight I'm here
		for a victory celebration.  Congratulate me and pay
		me.
Alex:		What are you babbling about?
Skippy:		Well remember that bet we made about six years ago
		that I would never get any grade higher than a 'C' in
		school well read this and weep!
			(Gives Alex paper)
Alex:		This is a hygiene test!  This doesn't count!  Look at
		these questions, when do you use soap?  How could you
		miss that?
Skippy:		This is a test Alex you owe me 50 bucks.
Alex:		I haven't got 50 bucks.
			(Mallory enters)
Mallory:	It's dinner time, for one of you. (Pointing to Alex)
Skippy:		Your mother said I could stay Mallory.
Mallory:	She's had a high fever Skippy, she hasn't been herself.
			(Mallory leaves)
Alex:		Skip, if I can get Mallory to let you stay for dinner
		will you knock five bucks off?
Skippy:		I'll take off ten.
Alex:		You drive a hard bargain Skippy.
Skippy:		You know I could be persuaded to uh forget the entire
		50 if you could get Mallory to go out with me.
Alex:		I'd live to go along with you on that one Skip but
		let's stay in the real world here.
Skippy:		It was just a chance for us to help each other out
		that's all.
			(Mallory enters)
Mallory:	Dinner is on the table.
Alex:		Mallory uh can I talk to you for a second?
Mallory:	What is it?
Alex:		I was thinking Mallory, yesterday you came to me in
		your hour of need to ask of me a favour, I think that
		my rejection might have been a little hasty.  
Mallory:	You mean you'll go out with Sherry?
Alex:		Yeah I'I think so.
Mallory:	Great that is wonderful.
Alex:		 Uh there is however one small favour that I would
		like to ask of you.
Mallory:	Name it, anything!
Alex:		I'd like you to go out on a date with uh young Irwin
		here.
Mallory:	I'd rather enter a convent.
Skippy:		I'm flattered by the competition.
Alex:		Come on Mallory we can make this palatable it doesn't
		have to be a long date, you don't even have to be
		civil.
Mallory:	Do I have to talk to him?
Alex:		Skip?
Skippy:		Well a couple of words would be nice.
Alex:		Of course you'll have to talk to him.
Mallory:	Then it's off.
Alex:		Conversation's over-rated Skippy, the important thing
		is you'll be together.
Skippy:		Okay forget the talking, I'm flexible on that one.
Mallory:	Do I have to go out in public with him?
Skippy:		That's up to Alex.
Alex:		Yeah I'm afraid so you see we'll double-date we'll go
		together to the Pi Gnu dance.
Mallory:	I am not dancing with him.
Alex:		There's not gonna be any dancing Skippy.
Skippy:		T'there's gotta be dancing, this point is
		non-negotiable.
Alex:		I don't think he's bluffing Mallory.
Mallory:	All right one dance.
Skippy:		Two dances one slow.
Alex:		Mallory?
Mallory:	I would almost rather die than do this.
Alex:		Sounds like a yes to me Skip.

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Scene 4

(Living room: Jennifer is present reading book)

			(Alex and Mallory enter)
Mallory:	Now don't lay it on too thick okay?  I mean tell
		Sherry how wonderful I am and all that but don't get
		too gushy about it.
Alex:		I'll try and control myself.
Jennifer:	Hey you two guys look great.
Mallory:	Oh you really think so?  I'm so nervous.
Jennifer:	What's the big deal?
Mallory:	The big deal is that my reputation, my life, my entire
		social status is in Alex's hands.
Jennifer:	Ah you shouldn't be nervous, you should panic.
			(Jennifer leaves)
			(Steven and Elyse enter)
Steven:		Well, everybody all ready to go?
Alex:		Yeah.
Mallory:	I guess.
Elyse:		You look terrific Mallory.
Mallory:	Thanks mom.
Steven:		Mallory uh this is for you from uh mom and me.
Mallory:	Ah thank you, I was under the impression that you two
		weren't too crazy about the idea of my joining.
Elyse:		Well we're not happy about the way you're getting in
		but we know it's important to you. (Elyse kisses
		Mallory) Alex, what made you change your mind about
		going out with Sherry?
Alex:		Well I uh I thought it over and I realised if it meant
		that much to Mallory, it means that much to me.
Steven:		Okay you don't have to tell us if you don't want to.
			(Door bell rings)
			(Alex opens door)
			(Skippy enters)
Steven:		Skip.
Mallory:	Skippy what are you doing here I told you I'd meet
		you there.
Skippy:		I know but you didn't tell me where it was.
Steven:		Uh M'Mallory I don't mean to pry but I'm kinda
		surprised that uh you and Skip well I mean that the
		two of you would-
Mallory:	That we're going out on a, on a date?  I had to do it
		it's the only way I could get Alex to go out with
		Sherry.
Alex:		Yeah you see uh I'm going out with Sherry so Mallory
		will go out with Skippy so I don't have to pay Skippy
		the money I owe him on a stupid bet.
Steven:		Ah, to be young and in love.

Scene 5

(Pi Gnu dance)

Alex:		So this is a great sorority.  All girls right?
Sherry:		Right.
Alex:		Well I think you're making a great move asking my
		sister to join, I mean she is a girl and everything.
Sherry:		Alex, did anyone ever tell you that you have a really
		cute nose?
Alex:		This one?
Sherry:		Yeah, yeah I like the way it just sits right there
		just right in the middle of your face.
Alex:		Well I've tried other locations but I have always
		found that this one works best.
Sherry:		You're funny Alex, you know I find a sense of humour
		in a man to be incredibly sexually exiting.
Alex:		A priest and a rabbi are in a row boat.
			(Mallory walks over)
Mallory:	Hi you two, having fun?
Sherry:		We were.
Mallory:	Now don't believe everything Alex tells you, I do have
		some flaws. (Skippy appears) Here's one now.
Skippy:		So Alex, how you doin' with your woman?
			(Music speeds up)
Mallory:	Yeah come on Skippy I'm gonna have to dance with you
		sooner or later, let's get it over with.
			(Skippy and Mallory dance)
Alex:		They make a cute couple don't you think?
Sherry:		Now, where were we?
Alex:		Oh I can't remember exactly something about you
		finding me incredibly exiting.
Sherry:		You know Alex, I've admired you from afar for a long
		time.
Alex:		Well now you can admire me from aclose.
			(They dance)
			(Announcer of winners of places in sorority
			steps onto stage)
Announcer:	Okay everyone okay this is the moment we've all been
		waiting for, it's time to announce the lucky new
		members of Pi Gnu. (Clapping/cheering) Congratulations
		Karen Sheldon, (Clapping/cheering) Donna Baldwin,
		(Clapping cheering) Annette Moretta
		(Clapping/cheering) and Katie Berstrum.
		(Clapping/cheering) Welcome to our little family.
			(Steps off stage)
			(Dance continues)
Mallory:	Excuse me, are you sure you didn't miss any names on
		that list?
Announcer:	No that's all.
Mallory:	My name's Mallory Keaton, can you check one more time?
Announcer:	(Checking) (Sigh) I don't see your name on her
		anywhere, I don't think it was submitted.
Mallory:	I don't understand. (Sees Alex dancing) Com'on Alex
		let's go home (Alex gives sign to go away) Alex let's
		go (pulling arm away from Sherry)
Alex:		Mallory do you mind?
Mallory:	Alex my name was not on the list to pledge the
		sorority.
Alex:		(To Mallory) Oh what are you talking about (To Sherry)
		Sherry wasn't Mallory's name on the list?
Sherry:		I don't know, I'm not in the membership committee.
Alex:		Well, well I'I thought you said you wee gonna-
		(Sherry kisses Alex) Well Mal these things happen I
		mean obviously Sherry did all she could.
Mallory:	Alex I want to go home now.
Alex:		Sorry I'I'I know how you feel.  I'll see you there.
			(Alex walks off with Sherry)
Mallory:	So you're not coming with me?
Alex:		I have responsibilities Mallory, I'm needed here.
Skippy:		Mallory, I'll take you home.
			(Mallory runs off)

Scene 6

(Living room: Mallory present sitting in dark)

			(Steven enters with molecule model turning
			light on)
Steven:		Mallory?
Mallory:	Hi dad.
Steven:		Why are you sitting here in the dark?
Mallory:	I was just thinking, (sees model) what's that?
Steven:		Oh this is your uh science project, I couldn't sleep
		so I thought I'd work on it a little.
Mallory:	How am I doin' on it?	
Steven:		I'll be honest Mal you're having trouble, at this
		point it's a 'B', or a 'B plus' at best.
Mallory:	Well dad what's important's not the grade but what
		you learn from it.
Steven:		Well how was the dance?
Mallory:	Terrible, I wasn't even invited into the sorority.
Steven:		Honey w'what happened?  Do you want to talk about it?
Mallory:	What happened is that Sherry never even put my name on
		the list, I mean she got what she wanted and forgot
		all about me.
Steven:		Oh Mal, I'm sorry.
Mallory:	How could I be so stupid, Sherry was just using me.
Steven:		Look this may be hard to face but uh weren't you using
		her to?
Mallory:	(Sigh) That's different.
Steven:		How?
Mallory:	It worked for her.
			(Elyse and Jennifer enter)
Elyse:		Thought I heard voices.
Jennifer:	How was the party?
Mallory:	Jennifer, your brother is a Jerk.
Jennifer:	I know that, so how was the party?
Elyse:		You didn't get in did you?
Mallory:	No.
Elyse:		I'm sorry honey.
Jennifer:	Forget them Mallory, you don't need those stinky P.U.s
		anyway.
Mallory:	Pi Gnus
Jennifer:	Same thing.
Mallory:	How could Sherry use me like that and Alex know she
		used me and he still stayed there with her.
Elyse:		Oh well we haven't heard Alex's side of the story.
Mallory:	Well what could he say?  I'm sorry Sherry ruined your
		life but I think she's cute?
Steven:		Yeah he could say that, I could definitely picture
		Alex saying that.
			(Skippy appears at window)
Skippy:		I never got my slow dance.
Mallory:	The party's over Skippy.
Steven:		Aren't you afraid you're spoiling him?
Mallory:	It's just Skippy.
Elyse:		You know Mallory for someone who was treated rudely
		tonight you haven't learned any lessons from it.
Mallory:	What d'you mean?
Steven:		It's a little difficult for us to have any sympathy
		for the way Sherry treated you with Skippy out there
		in the shrubbery.
			(Alex enters and Skippy runs in behind as door
			is opened)
Elyse:		Alex.
Skippy:		Thought I saw a light on.
Mallory:	Alex you have a lot of nerve coming back home.
Alex:		Mallory just hear me out.
Jennifer:	Yeah I bet Alex told that Sherry off, he probably just
		didn't want to just walk out on her, you were just
		being polite right Alex? (No response) Right Alex? (No
		response) (Grabbing him) Talk to me Alex!
Alex:		Can I speak to Mallory alone please?
Elyse:		Well you guys do have some things to work out (To
		Jennifer) let's go on up to bed. (Steven, Elyse and
		Jennifer leave)
Alex:		Skippy why don't you go into the kitchen and make
		yourself a few dozen sandwiches?
Skippy:		Okay but don't go to bed without telling me.
			(Skippy leaves)
Mallory:	Hope you're proud of yourself Alex you know what kind
		of brother are you?
Alex:		Wait a minute Mallory let's go back a few steps here
		you're the one who started this whole thing, you
		wanted me to go out with Sherry you wanted me to like
		her.
Mallory:	Yeah but you were supposed to stop liking her once I
		didn't get into Pi Gnu.
Alex:		I'm sorry I should have read my rule book of trickery
		and manipulation at teenage dating.
Mallory:	Ah, no don't play martyr with me Alex, you used me to
		get out of your bet with Skippy.
Alex:		I used you?! You used me first to go out with Sherry
		to get you into Pi Gnu.
Mallory:	That's only because Sherry was using me to get to you.
Alex:		Exactly, Sherry used me, you used me I'm the only one
		who got used twice.  And I wasn't even trying to get
		into anything well.  You know what I mean.
Mallory:	Listen to us were arguing over which one of us was
		more sleazy.
Alex:		I think you won (sigh) let's face it this has been
		quite an unsavoury chapter in our young lives.
Mallory:	I guess.
Alex:		You know when you think of it the only one of us who
		is pure of motive and noble of heart is that young man
		in there. (Pointing to kitchen)
			(Plate heard smashing)
Skippy:		I'm sorry I'I'll clean that up.
Mallory:	I don't know Alex it's like I had temporary insanity
		or something.  I wanted to get into that sorority so
		bad that nothing else mattered.
Alex:		Everybody goes through a moment or two like that in
		their lives Mallory.
Mallory:	Where was my pride, my self-respect?  They didn't want
		me, why did I want them?
Alex:		They do have great sweaters.
Mallory:	I'm sorry Alex I really owe you an apology.
Alex:		Well it's possible that my behaviour's not exactly
		been above reproach I owe you an apology too.  You
		know if it makes you feel any better I told Sherry
		that if you weren't good enough for her she wasn't
		good enough for me.  I'm not gonna be seeing her any
		more. (Car horn is heard twice) That's for me.
Mallory:	But you just said-
Alex:		Yeah well uh that's not Sherry that's Lisa, she's a
		sergeant at arms, she's not like those other girls,
		you'd really like her.
Mallory:	I bet.
Alex:		Why don't you go on up go to bed?
Mallory:	I will, I have something to take care of first though.
Alex:		What?
Mallory:	I owe somebody something. (Puts on slow music) 
			(Alex leaves) 
			(Shouting into kitchen)
Mallory:	Can you come in here please.
			(Skippy enters)
 			(Skippy sees Mallory and puts his sandwich in
			his pocket)
Mallory:	Irwin, they're playing our song.
			(They dance)

END CREDITS

MCMLXXXIII