THE FACTS OF LIFE
4X01 - AIN'T MISS BEHOLDEN
Original Airdate (NBC): 29-SEP-1982

WRITTEN BY STEPHEN NEIGHER
DIRECTED BY ASAAD KELADA

TRANSCRIPT PROVIDED BY MIA IVES-RUBLEE IN EXCLUSIVITY FOR "TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DABASE"
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The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE" IN WORLD WIDE WEB EXCLUSIVITY courtesy of MIA IVES-RUBLEE. "THE FACTS OF LIFE" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by EMBASSY PICTURES CORPORATIONS in association with TAT COMMUNICATION COMPANY. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. For entertainment and educational purposes only. No infringement intended.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(Credits roll)

[Scene: Kitchen. Tootie walks past the lens towards Natalie as Mrs. Garrett enters from outside with a paper in her hand and slams the door. Natalie and Tootie begin to work on a salad. Jo is drying some dishes.]

Tootie: Hi Mrs. Garrett.

Mrs. Garrett: Oh, this is no time for that Tootie.

Natalie: What’s the matter?               

Mrs. Garrett: Well, Mr. Parker just told me that the school budget is being cut back because of the economy.

Natalie: And?

Mrs. Garrett: And, because of that some of the students are going to suffer.

Natalie: Alright, so I won’t get to be the Rome correspondent for the school paper.

(Jo comes toward Mrs. Garrett to get a dish rag out of a plastic dish container.)

Mrs. Garrett: Not you Natalie…

(There’s a pause. Mrs. Garrett looks at Jo, who in turn looks at her.)

Jo: I’m gunna suffer? (Mrs. Garrett nods.) Alright, let’s hear it. I can take it.

Mrs. Garrett: The major cut back is in the scholarship fund. Starting next semester, there won’t be one available for you, Jo.

Jo: Oh, that’s great.

Mrs. Garrett: The cut back business is absolutely appalling.

Jo: (Gives a fake smile) Hey, what are you going to do? These things happen.

(Jo picks up the dish container and exits into the dinning room. You can hear dishes being thrown into the dish container from the other room. Mrs. Garrett, followed by Tootie and Natalie, goes into the dinning room.)

Jo: I work hard, I do great, I get the shaft. So much for the American dream.

Mrs. Garrett: Jo…

Tootie: Jo, what about savings, huh? Maybe you’ve got some money tucked away that you’ve forgotten about.

Tootie, I’ve untucked everything I had years ago.

Mrs. Garrett: Tootie, would you mind clearing the table please?

(Tootie takes the dish container from Jo. Jo shoves another dish in before taking a seat at the table she was cleaning.)

Natalie: I’ll never forget you Jo.

(Jo looks over at Natalie in annoyance. Mrs. Garrett can’t believe what she’s hearing.)

Mrs. Garrett: It’s a little early for that, Natalie. (She sits down.)

Natalie: I thought it should be said.

Jo: Well Tootie, you won’t have to sleep in the upper bunk anymore. You can have my bed.

Tootie: Jo, I don’t want your bed. (Jo looks at her.) Well, I want it, but not this way.

(Jo stands up)

Mrs. Garrett: Hey Jo, I know what you can do. Why don’t you ask the guidance counselor about other sources of money?

Jo: (Makes a face) Who, Mr. Mavis?

Mrs. Garrett: Yes.

Jo: I went and saw him about planning a career. He told me to marry a good man.

Tootie: He told me the same thing. (She sits down at the table that Jo had been sitting at.)

Natalie: He told me to become a lawyer.

Mrs. Garrett: Oh, come on Jo. Give him another chance.

Jo: Okay, okay.

[Scene: Dinning Room later in the day. Natalie puts a flier on the bulletin board. Mrs. Garrett holds a folder. Tootie follows Mrs. Garrett around the room.]

Tootie: It won’t be the same without Jo here next semester.

Mrs. Garrett: Well, hopefully she won’t have to leave. Think positively Tootie.

Tootie: I’m gunna miss her.

Mrs. Garrett: (rolls her eyes and shakes her head) That a girl. (She sits down at a table.) 

(Jo enters the dinning room with a manila envelop and begins to pull out brochures.)

Jo: Hey, you were right about Mr. Mavis, Mrs. G. (She empties envelope onto the table that Mrs. Garrett is sitting at.) He gave me all these brochures about private foundations that give scholarships. (Natalie begins fishing through the pile of brochures.)

Mrs. Garrett: That’s wonderful.

(Mrs. Garrett and Jo begin looking through the brochures.)

Natalie: (looking at a brochure) Look at them all. You’re rich.

Jo: The only problem is that time is running out. I have to have my applications in by the end of the week.

Mrs. Garrett: Uh oh.

Natalie: Let’s see. (She reads the brochure.) The Sven Erickson Foundation to be awarded to a student of Norwegian ancestry whose father is the member of the plumbers union. (Natalie looks over at Jo with a skeptical look on her face.)

Jo: (laughs) I don’t think I qualify.

(Natalie sits down at their table.)

Mrs. Garrett: Oh uh, ahhh! Ahhh! (She reads a brochure.) The Judith Heart Scholarship awarded to any young woman who promises to forever live chastely and give up sins of the flesh. (She looks up with disappointment.)

Jo: (takes the brochure from Mrs. Garrett and grins) I don’t think I want to qualify. (She throws brochure behind her and picks up another brochure.)

(Time elapse. All three are still looking through the brochures. Mrs. Garrett and Natalie both put their brochures down onto the table with disappointment.)

Jo: No, I was never a Campfire girl. (She tosses her brochure onto the table and stands up.)

Mrs. Garrett: (stands up and goes over to Jo) Jo, I’ll go over to see Mr. Mavis myself. He must have overlooked something. (She exits the dinning room.)

Jo: (shaking her head) What’s the use? It’s over.

Natalie: I’m not giving up yet. (She stands up and grabs another brochure as Jo walks over to a different table and leans against the back of a chair. Natalie reads from her brochure.) ‘Annual scholarship given to a girl solely on the basis of her academic qualifications and need.’ (She looks over at Jo and grins.)

Jo: (grins) Haha, you’re kidding! (She takes the brochure from Natalie and looks at the front. Her face goes flat with disappointment.) Oh no… (She throws the brochure down on the table.)

Natalie: What’s the matter?

Jo: That’s from the Warner Textile Foundation. That’s Blair’s family.

Natalie: (not seeing the issue) That’s great.

Jo: (making a face) Eck.

Natalie: What are you ecking for? Blair will put in a good word for you. You’ll be a sure thing.

Jo: Forget it.

Natalie: What do you mean? She’ll be glad to do it.

Jo: She’ll be glad to do it if I kiss her family tree.

Natalie: No one’s asking you to kiss trees. Just rake a few leaves… All you have to do is be nice to Blair for a while.

Jo: No way. I gave up humiliation for lint.

Natalie: Jo, be realistic. If you don’t get this scholarship, you’ll be back in the Bronx running around with the Little Pueblos.

Jo: Young Diablos.

Natalie: Whatever. Is that what you want?

Jo: No. What I want is to finish what I started here. I’ve got direction, I’ve got plans. I’ve got a frog I haven’t dissected yet. (She sits down.)

Natalie: Then all you have to do is make a little change in your attitude towards Blair. (Jo looks at her in disgust.) For example, I’m Blair. (She walks across the room and turns around. Flipping her hair, she tries to imitate Blair. Tootie walks in on this.) Oh Jo, (heads over to Jo) My mother just called and said we need some domestic help for our summer place and I just had another one of my brilliant ideas. Would you be interested? (She stops imitation.) And you say?

Jo: (disgusted) You know where you can put your summer place? (She gets up from the table and walks away from Natalie.)

Tootie: (walks over to Natalie) What are you doing?

Natalie: Trying to get Jo to be nice to Blair. (Tootie laughs hysterically and sits down on a chair.) Tootie!  The Warner Textile Foundation offers a scholarship. I thought Blair could put in a good word for Jo.

Tootie: Is that fair? (She stands up.)

Natalie: What?

Tootie: Well, is it fair to use pull for Jo to get scholarships? Isn’t that favoritism?

Natalie: Tootie, the situation is confusing enough without bringing morality into it. Go into the kitchen, fix yourself a sandwich.

(Tootie exits into the kitchen as Blair enters the dinning room with a red rose. Jo sits in the chair that Tootie just vacated.)

Blair: Hi, I’m back. I would have been here sooner, but Steve and I lingered over lunch at the Le Petiche Laval. (Jo looks at her in disgust. Blair goes over to Natalie.) It was delightful. He had the scallops and I had the steak tartar. (She turns to Jo with a grin.) Oh, how can I explain steak tartar? Uh, it’s like…a Big Mac, hold the heat. (She laughs at her own joke.)

(Natalie signals Jo to go with Blair’s joke.)

Jo: (bursts into fake laughter and slaps her hand on the table) The heat, that’s a good one. (She nods and continues to laugh.)

Blair: (looking confused, she looks over at Natalie for help) Is she alright?

Natalie: Who? You’re buddy, Jo? (She goes over to Jo and pats her on the shoulder.) Never better.

(Blair looks suspicious and moves away from Jo. Jo’s grin goes immediately flat and she lets go of a deep breath.)

Natalie: Ask her for some advice. She’ll love it.

(Jo looks at Natalie annoyed and then looks over at Blair, who is putting her rose into an empty glass vase. Blair smells the rose and you can see Natalie in the background trying to convince Jo to do it. Jo sighs and gets up from the table. She walks over to Blair.)

Jo: Um, listen. I wanted to get your opinion on something. (Blair looks over at Jo in surprise.)

Blair: (grins and begins fiddling with her hair) You wanted my opinion?

Jo: (not amused) Yeah. (She huffs and tries to sound happy.) You always look so sheik and yet so natural. (Blair basks at the complement.) I was thinking of doing something different with my hair.

Blair: Like washing it? (She walks away laughing and Jo is not amused.)

Jo: No, I wanted to get that brainless look that you’ve got.

Blair: (satisfied) Now that’s Jo.

Natalie: She didn’t mean it.

Jo: Forget it. I can’t do this. I’d rather leave Eastland then have to go through this.

(Jo exits to the kitchen. Blair watches her go and then looks at Natalie with confusion.)

Blair: What does she mean, leave Eastland?

Natalie: Jo’s scholarship is being cut off because of the budget. I thought you could put in a good word with the Warner Textile Foundation.

Blair: Good word about what?

Natalie: About Jo! Didn’t you know your family offers a scholarship?

Blair: (amused) Well, I’m not surprised. Our generosity knows no bounds.

Natalie: Then you’ll help?

Blair: Consider it done. (She nods to Natalie and then exits to the kitchen. Natalie follows her. Tootie is making a sandwich at a counter with Jo standing next to her.) Jo, Jo, Jo. (Jo looks up at the ceiling with impatience. Tootie moves her plate and sandwich out of the way so Blair can stand next to Jo.) Everything is going to be all right. I’ll just make one little call to that foundation and you’ll get the scholarship.

Jo: (moves away from Blair) Blair.

Blair: (she follows Jo) Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that this is a real biggie and I don’t have to do it. And you’re right. But I don’t want to spend one more feeling humbly indebted to me. (Jo can’t believe what she’s hearing and tries to move away from her again. Tootie moves out of the way from the counter one more time for Jo.) After all, giving is a way of life for us Warners. (Jo begins to try to move away from Blair again and Blair again follows her). Did you know we also support animal preserves in Africa? (Jo looks astounded at the length Blair is promoting her family.) Yes, last year alone we saved hundreds of monkeys from starvation. So, you see Jo, you’re not alone.

(Tootie is also astounded by Blair’s arrogance. She shakes her head in disbelief.)

Jo: I’m no starving monkey, Blair. And I don’t want your help. (Jo moves away from Blair again.)

Blair: (following Jo) You don’t want the scholarship?

Jo: (She turns around in anger and Tootie ends up between the girls again. Tootie moves out of the way.) Not if you come with it.

Natalie: (Intervening, she puts herself between Jo and Blair) Jo didn’t mean that quite the way it sounds.

Jo: Yes I did. I won’t grovel.

Natalie: No one’s asking you to grovel. An occasional thank you note maybe, but…

Jo: What?

Blair: Forget it Natalie. I could have done something really wonderful for you, Jo.

Jo: (moves away from Blair again) Oh, go do it for a giraffe. (Jo grabs Tootie’s mayonnaise as Tootie tries to use it.)

[Scene: Dinning Hall. It’s filled with students. Jo stands at a table full of clothes. Natalie and Tootie come up to her.]

Natalie: Hey, where’d you get all the sweatshirts?

Jo: There’s this guy in town who’s got a warehouse full of them. He said I could keep half of what I sell. I’m gunna have the money for my tuition in no time.

Tootie: Hey, great! (She picks up a green sweatshirt.) These will sell like… (She notices that the sweatshirt is huge.) …crazy.

Jo: (laughs) Some of them are a little irregular.

Natalie: (Picking up a blue sweatshirt that has yellow lettering saying ‘NIXON’S the ONE,’ she looks skeptical.) Really? 

Jo: (looking at the sweatshirt) Some of them are a little old.

(Natalie folds the shirt. A girl named Baker comes into the dinning hall.)

Baker: Hey, I came to pick up my laundry.

Jo: (Looking down at a piece of paper) Oh, okay. Uh, let’s see, uh. Baker, okay that’s, uh, two gym suits and five pairs of sweat-socks, fluffed and folded. (Baker takes a pile of clothes.) That will be three dollars.

Baker: Three dollars? Don’t I get a break? I’m a regular customer. (She picks up a pair of socks that are pink.) And besides, these socks used to be white.

Jo: Okay, two fifty.

(Another girl enters the dinning room)

Girl: Jo, my class starts in five minutes. I need my paper.

Jo: (Trying to take the money from baker, she looks over at the other girl.) Okay, okay.

(Jo goes over to a table with a typewriter. She sits down to get to work. Blair enters the dinning room.)

Blair: (looking smug at Jo) So, how’s our Howard Hughes doing? Made your first million yet? (Jo looks up from the typewriter for a moment and then gets back to work.) So that’s what that noise was last night.

(Blair moves away from Jo. Tootie follows her in hopes of backing up Jo.)

Tootie: Blair, you’re attitude is less than constructive. Jo’s been working her fingers to the bone.

Blair: Well, she doesn’t have to. There’s a perfectly good scholarship just waiting for her. But will she take it? Nooooo. Because it has the Warner name on it.

(Jo looks up at Blair annoyed. She stands up, takes the paper out of the typewriter, and goes to give it to the girl.)

Tootie: Why don’t you help her out a little bit? At least buy a sweatshirt.

Blair: Why?

Natalie: Because you’re a trendsetter Blair. If you buy one, everyone will buy two just to keep up with you.

Blair: This is true. (She giggles.) But the fact is, Jo doesn’t want my help.

Natalie: Blair, she didn’t mean it.

Blair: Oh no? Watch this. (Jo goes back to the typewriter to put the paper back into it.) Jo, can I buy a…

Jo: No thank you.

Blair: See?

Tootie: Listen, I’ve got to get to class. Tell Jo I said get rid of the Nixon sweatshirt. I think that’s what’s killing business. 

(Tootie exits as Mrs. Garrett enters with a basket of clothes.)

Mrs. Garrett: Jo, I don’t know what’s going on in the laundry room, but there’s something on spin, something on rinse, and these were on the floor.

Jo: Oh, thanks Mrs. G. I didn’t have time to bring them up. (She pulls the paper out of the typewriter.) Okay, uh, here’s ‘Lincoln, Behind the Beard.’ (She hands it to the girl.)

Mrs. Garrett: Another typing job? Jo, you’re running yourself ragged.

Jo: Nah, you know how they say hard work is good for the soul. (She takes some money from the girl.) Let me tell you, it’s also good for the pocketbook. There’s plenty more where this came from. I got an application at Newberries and at that motorcycle shop in town. (She picks up the basket Mrs. Garrett was carrying and moves it over to another table.) Oh hey, did you speak to your friend at the pancake house?

Mrs. Garrett: Yeah.

Jo: So, you see, I’m home free.

Mrs. Garrett: Sure, with all those jobs you may be able to pay for your tuition, but you’ll have no time for school.

Jo: (beginning to fold the clothes. Mrs. Garrett helps her.) I’ll work things out Mrs. G.

Mrs. Garrett: Jo, why don’t you at least call your mother? Tell her what’s happened.

Jo: (unhappy) What for? My mom can’t afford to send me any money. Besides, this is nobody’s problem but my own.

Mrs. Garrett: But you’re avoiding the most obvious solution. The Warner Scholarship.

Jo: (Looking at Mrs. Garrett, she throws the clothes she was folding back into the basket and leaves the table.) No way.

Mrs. Garrett: Now you listen to me. You’re very bright. You’ve got good grades. If you applied for that scholarship, you’d probably get it.

Jo: (Pausing for a moment, she seems to think about it. Then she grabs a basket of clothes) Hey, Nat, you wanna give me a hand with this stuff?

Mrs. Garrett: Jo…

Jo: I don’t want any of Blair’s money. (She begins to leave.)

Mrs. Garrett: (pulls on the basket to stop Jo and turn her around) Jo, the Warner Textile Foundation is not Blair’s. It’s a building. Well, actually it’s an office and there are people there that could help you.

(Blair enters the dinning hall. She and Jo exchange looks.)

Jo: I don’t want help from anyone who’s last name is Warner. (Again, she and Blair exchange looks.) I’ve got everything under control. (She pulls the basket out of Mrs. Garrett’s hands and stacks it on the other basket.)

Mrs. Garrett: Oh no you don’t. Now listen Jo, believe me, I admire all your hard work. But the fact is it’s not going to be enough. Jo. Jo! (Jo looks at her.) You have to be realistic about this.

Jo: You know, you’re right Mrs. G, it’s not enough. Could you teach me how to iron? Nat, would you mind the store?

(Mrs. Garrett huffs in frustration and is about to throw something at her. She decides not to and follows Jo as she leaves.)

[Scene: Dining hall. Jo sits slumped in a chair while Tootie puts sugar shakers down on the tables. Natalie puts checkered cloths on to tables.]

Natalie: Jo, shouldn’t you be getting to the pancake house?

Jo: Yeah, I’m not going to work tonight.

Natalie: (Goes over to Jo) Are you okay?

Jo: I don’t know. (She stands up and takes a sugar shaker from Tootie.) I never thought I’d say this but I’m licked. (She puts shaker onto table.)

Tootie: Oh come on. Where’s the old Polniaczek spunk?

Jo: Tootie, I’m all spunked out. (She sits down at another table.) Mrs. G was right. I’ve been busting my chops for three weeks and it’s getting me no where. I better go call my mom. I don’t know how to tell her. I don’t know what to say (she stands up).

(Mrs. Garrett runs into the dinning hall with a manila envelope against her chest.)

Mrs. Garrett: Oh Jo, girls. I’ve just come from Mr. Parker’s office and I’ve got wonderful news.

Natalie: Mrs. Garrett, no one comes from Mr. Parker’s office with wonderful news.

(Blair enters from the kitchen to set stuff onto tables)

Mrs. Garrett: Oh yeah? Well try this one off for size. This year, the Warner Textile Foundation Scholarship is being presented to… Ms. Jo Polniaczek.

Natalie: That’s great.

Tootie: Jo, that’s great. Congratulations.

Jo: Wait a minute. How do you win a scholarship you never applied for?

Natalie: Mrs. Garrett, you little devil.

Jo: Mrs. G, how’d this happen?

Tootie: You mean you sent the application in for her, didn’t you?

Mrs. Garrett: Well, sometimes things reach a point where people have to take things into their own hands. I hope you’re not angry.

Jo: I’m not angry, Mrs. G. I’m thrilled. With all my talk, I knew I didn’t have a prayer at staying in school without that scholarship. And I’m glad I got it no matter whose name was on it.

(Mrs. Garrett pulls the papers out of the envelope and Jo looks at them).

Mrs. Garrett: (laughing) And, uh, you don’t mind that someone interfered?

Jo: Are you kidding? I’m so glad you didn’t listen to all my ranting and raving. I’m real lucky. Thanks.

Mrs. Garrett: You’re welcome… But it wasn’t me.

(Pause. They all look over at Blair. Tootie’s mouth is wide open in shock.)

Natalie: Blair?

(Blair smiles.)

Jo: Blair… You just couldn’t keep your hands off of my life, could you? Who do you think you are? I told you I didn’t want your crummy scholarship.

Mrs. Garrett: It’s the same crummy scholarship you were thrilled with a minute ago.

Jo: That’s different!

Mrs. Garrett: How?

Blair: Yeah, how?

Jo: Because you make me feel like I’m going to owe you for the rest of my life.

Blair: I didn’t do anything you couldn’t have done yourself. And you don’t owe me anything but $3.30. I sent your application registered mail.

Mrs. Garrett: Come on girls. Let’s go inside and get dinner started.

(Mrs. Garrett waves Tootie and Natalie to the kitchen. Tootie and Natalie exit to the kitchen. Mrs. Garrett follows behind them.)

Jo: Blair, you weren’t supposed to get involved in this. We had a pact.

Blair: We didn’t have a pact. We had a fight.

Jo: It’s a matter of pride.

Blair: Who cares about pride? We’re talking about you leaving school.

Jo: Well you got me mad.

Blair: So what else is new? You always make me mad. You make me furious.

Jo: Well then why did you do this for me?

Blair: Because I didn’t want you to go. I can admit we’re friends even if you can’t.

Jo: I can admit it.

Blair: Well, that’s what friendship is, Jo. I do something for you…

Jo: …and I do something for you.

Blair: No… I do something for you and you let me do it.

Jo: But then I owe you. Don’t I?

Blair: You owe the gas company. You owe Bloomingdales. You don’t owe your friends… You just get through things together.

(Jo looks over at Blair and Blair smiles. Credits roll.)
 

END OF EPISODE

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