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SYNOPSIS:
Ellen tries to get a promotion by giving her boss a gift but ends up paying a much steeper price than she bargained for. Meanwhile, Holly and Anita make a deal with a gallery owner to buy cheap paintings in Mexico and resell them to him for a profit.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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I. Ellen and her mom [Lois] in a RESTAURANT.

LOIS
So, ...how's your life?

ELLEN
Fine...fine...fine, fine.

LOIS
Do you have a boyfriend?

ELLEN
No...nope....noop, noop.

LOIS
Are you seeing anyone?

ELLEN
You know, you know mom, we have lunch every Friday...and every Friday you ask me the exact same questions: How's your life? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you seeing anyone? How's your job?...

LOIS
Oops, how is your job?

ELLEN
It's fine, mom.

LOIS
(disappointed)
Fine.

ELLEN
Oh, don't be like that.

LOIS
Oh, Ellen, I just wanna know what's going on in your life.You never tell me anything. I wanna feel like I'm part of it. Just tell me something! ...Anything! ...One thing! ...Just tell me one thing!

ELLEN
Okay, okay, okay!

(after quite some time of hard thinking)
There's nothing.

LOIS
Ah..

ELLEN
Okay, there's, there's a, there's a promotion thing.

LOIS
You're getting a promotion?

ELLEN
Yeah, maybe, probably. Not a big deal.

LOIS
(very excited)
Oh, of course it's a big deal. It's a very big deal. You're getting a promotion! I want to hear more!

ELLEN
Okay, uhm...you know my boss, Susan?

LOIS
The owner.

ELLEN
Right.

LOIS
Yeah.

ELLEN
She uh, just had a baby, so she wants somebody to take over the store and manage it for her.

LOIS
Oh, that's wonderful! So she told you the job is your's?

ELLEN
No, but I've been there the longest time, so I assume...

LOIS
(interrupts her)
Oh, well then she could bring someone in from the outside! Someone with experience.

ELLEN
I have experience!

LOIS
Ellen, what are you doing about this?

ELLEN
I'm not doing anything. I'm going to work everyday and I'm doing my job as best as I possibly can.

LOIS
Oh, Ellen!

ELLEN
Mom, don't, don't "Oh-Ellen" me!

LOIS
Okay, uh... Here's what I want you to do, uh... Have you bought this woman a gift?

ELLEN
A gift?

LOIS
For her baby!

ELLEN
No.

LOIS
Oh, Ellen!

ELLEN
Mom, mom.

LOIS
Ellen, this is the real world! Things just don't fall into your lap! You have to know how to play the game!

ELLEN
Oh, that's right. I've forgotten you {engineered} that big { ?? }, didn't you?

LOIS
Tomorrow you go out and you buy Susan a gift for her baby and you take it over to her home.

ELLEN
Mom, I'm not gonna kiss Susan's butt for this job.

LOIS
No one's asking you to kiss anyone's butt!! ...Just...buy her a gift, how hard is that?

ELLEN
It would be cynical and hypocritical, I don't even like her, the only reason I'd be doing it is to get something for myself!

LOIS
You will buy that woman a gift.

ELLEN
Mom, don't tell me what to do.

LOIS
You will go out tomorrow and buy that woman a gift!

ELLEN
Mom, I didn't like it when you tell me what to do when I was little and I don't like it now. Don't tell me what to do!
 
 
II. Ellen in the TOYSHOP.

ELLEN
How much for that pink bunny in the tutu?

CLERK
39.95.

LOIS
(out of Ellen's imagination)
You will buy that woman a gift!

ELLEN
I take it!

CLERK
Great.

ELLEN
Uh, does it have to wear the tutu?

CLERK
Oh, it's sewn into her abdomen.

ELLEN
Well, of course it is. You know, my pants are sewn into my abdomen. I think I'll have my socks sewn into my legs so that they don't fall down.
The clerk leaves.
Anita and Holly appear in the shop. Anita is carrying some ugly painting.

ANITA
Hey.

HOLLY
Hey.

ELLEN
Hey.

ANITA
Look what I've got.

ELLEN
Wow! That's.... that's hideous!

ANITA
I know. They're charging a fortune for them.

ELLEN
Wow! Lucky, lucky you!

ANITA
The guy gave it to me.

ELLEN
What guy?

HOLLY
So you're really gonna do this?

ELLEN
Do what?

ANITA
Of course we are!

HOLLY
We?

ELLEN
Do what?

ANITA
You said you saw this paintings in Tijuana for $25!

HOLLY
Well, yeah, but I...

ELLEN
Do whatta?!?

ANITA
We can get these paintings in Tijuana for $25 and the guy in the art gallery next door says he'll buy them for 45 as many as we can find!

HOLLY
It's true. They're the exact same paintings.

ELLEN
So what do you guys know about buying and selling art?

ANITA
Oh, you know what, Ellen? You know what your problem is? You have no vision!

ELLEN
I have no vision? Like a hawk I see!

ANITA
You're like a blind woman.
She turns around and discovers a box of those bunnys Ellen just bought.
Ugh. (laughs) Will you look at this? 39.95?? (laughs again) Who buys this crap??

ELLEN
What is that? A tutu? That's stupid.
 
 
III. Anita and Holly in the ART GALLERY.

GALLERY OWNER
Ok, it's simple. For everyone of those paintings you bring in I'll give you $45.

HOLLY
Guaranteed?

GALLERY OWNER
Guaranteed.

HOLLY
And we can trust you? You're not gonna knock it down to 20 when we get them here?

GALLERY OWNER
Why would I do that? You wouldn't make any money then. I might be ripping you off.

ANITA
(to Holly)
See?

HOLLY
Are you willing to put this in writing?

GALLERY OWNER
Writing? Who needs writing? My word is my bond. You bring the art and it's $30 guaranteed.

HOLLY
You said 45!

GALLERY OWNER
$45, guaranteed.
 
 
IV. Ellen and Adam IN FRONT OF SUSAN'S APARTMENT. Ellen rings the doorbell.

ADAM
So how long is this gonna take, 'cause you know the movie is at 8.

ELLEN
Not long. I just gotta give Susan a gift and we're out of there. ... You're not gonna embarrass me, are you?

ADAM
Not... intentionally.
Susan's housekeeper Maria opens the door.

MARIA
Hello. May I help you?

ADAM
Sí... senorita.

ELLEN
Hi, is Susan home?

MARIA
Yeah, Susan, she's home. You want to come in?

ELLEN
Yes.
 
 
V. SUSAN'S APARTMENT.

ADAM
(turns to Maria)
I'm Adam.

MARIA
Oh, I'm Maria. But my English is not so good so...

ADAM
Ah, sí, uh.. Hablo espanol poco.
[Maria starts to talk in Spanish which neither Adam nor me are able to understand.]
Sí, hablo espanol poco.
Susan appears from upstairs.

SUSAN
Oh, Ellen.

ELLEN
Hi Susan.

SUSAN
What are you doing here?

ELLEN
I hope this isn't a bad time... I just came by to bring a gift for the baby.

SUSAN
Oh.

ELLEN
This is my friend Adam.

ADAM
Nice to meet you.

SUSAN
Good to meet you. ...Would either of you care for a drink?

ELLEN
No, we're fine, thanks.

ADAM
I'll have a root beer.

SUSAN
Maria, a root beer and a screwdriver.

MARIA
Yes, Miss Susan.

ADAM
Uhm, Maria, let me... help you with that.
Maria and Adam leave the room.

ELLEN
So, where's little rugrat?

(getting uncomfortable over Susan's unappreciativ look)
Baby! baby! Did I say rugrat? Haahh!! You know why I did? Because my dad would call us rats as children. "You are just a little rat!" you know, and we loved it, because we would chew and we knew that's why he would, because we (nibbles like a rat) like rats, chew, nibble...Have you seen them?.. And we would just chew through anything, just uh... you know, a crouton or a cracker or... One time my little brother chew through a electrical cord and then he took a different bus to school... and uhm... we called him Sparky (laughs).. it's a joke to do that. And uhm... 'cause we were hungry. That's why, we didn't have much money. Not that I'm hinting that I need money now. I'm not. I mean, I do, who doesn't need more money? Who's gonna say "No more money!" you know, "I can't take another dollar!" you know. "Here! No!"... and I wouldn't....... Where is the little tyke?

SUSAN
Right behind you.

ELLEN
Oh, hiding right there the whole time. Oh, she's adorable, can I hold her?

SUSAN
Are your hands clean?

ELLEN
Well, I uh... I washed them this morning.

SUSAN
She really doesn't like it when strange women hold her.

ELLEN
Well, then we have a little problem because I am one strange woman. Strange, strange, strange!!!!!
Ellen, recognizing her shouting, puts one finger to her mouth, turns to the baby and then back to Susan
(like a baby) Night night!!

SUSAN
Shall I open the gift?

ELLEN
Please do.
Susan opens the gift while Adam comes back with the drinks.

ADAM
Here you go, Susan.

SUSAN
Thank you.

ADAM
(secretly to Ellen)
We exchanged numbers.

ELLEN
I can't believe she gave you her number.

ADAM
Well... I gave her mine. She said she's in the book.

SUSAN
(unpacking the bunny)
Oh, how unusual.

ELLEN
Yeah, she's wearing a tutu. They make them special, they... they sew 'em right into the abdomen.
The telephone rings. Adam gives it to Susan.

SUSAN
Hello? Yes, could you hold on a moment?

(to Ellen and Adam)
Will you excuse me for a few minutes? I have to take this upstairs.
Susan goes upstairs.

ELLEN
No problem. We're right down here.
She turns to Adam who is sitting next to the baby... and the baby monitor!
Oh, what a total bitch this woman is! I can't believe I'm in her house, I'm mean, I just... I feel so dirty!

(leaning over the baby's bed)
Look at that face. She's planning her escape already, I can tell!

ADAM
(noticing the baby monitor)
Uh... Ellen!

ELLEN
I tell you what, the day that kid gets a bike they can kiss her ass goodbye!

ADAM
Ellen...

ELLEN
She'll probably pedal straight to the UN and get her mother arrested on human rights violations! ...Crimes against humanity!

ADAM
Ellen!!

ELLEN
Pipe down I'm on a row!

ADAM
(shows her the baby monitor)
It's a baby monitor!

ELLEN
(inaudibly)
I know..

(leaning over the baby monitor)
...I don't know how you got in here, miss, but I won't stand for you speaking about my boss in that way! ...(claps her hands once) Auu!!
VI. ELLEN'S APARTMENT.

ADAM
(talking on the phone)
Hello, yes, uhm.. in Los Angeles, please: Lopez, first initial M. ... No, I do not have a street. ... What are you laughing at? ... Well, then I guess you just have your work cut out for you, don't you?.. Hello? Hello?

ELLEN
Now this is what I get for doing what my mother tells me.

ANITA
So, what did she say when she came downstairs?

ELLEN
Not much. She thanked me for the token. That's what she called it, the token. And then she said she had some things to do and she showed us out.

ANITA
So you have no idea if she heard you or not?

ELLEN
Not a clue.

ANITA
Well, do you think if she heard you she'll fire you?

ELLEN
Ohh.. Oh yeah. She'll fire me, alright, but first she'll string me along for a couple of weeks just to watch me squirm. I'm like a fish. Caught on the end of her line. A hook through my lip. Blood running down my little fish chin. Flailing about helplessly if she decides that she throw me back and let me live or drop me, gasping... (gasps like a fish) ...into her rancid bucket of death!

ADAM
Well, as long as you got it all in perspective.
The telephone rings. Ellen answers it.

ELLEN
Hello? ... Hold on.

(to Adam)
Uh, Adam?

ADAM
Yeah.

ELLEN
I think it's the nanny!

ADAM
You're kidding.
Ellen shakes her head.
Thank you, God!!

ELLEN
Hey, ask her where they keep the other end of the baby monitor.

ADAM
Yeah.......If that'll come up.

ELLEN
Well, slip it in!

ADAM
Hello? ... Maria! ... Sí. ..Sí ... Sí, uh.. Manana esta bien. Muy bien. Muy muy bien! Excelente!! ... Ciao. (hangs up)

ELLEN
You didn't ask her about the baby monitor!

ADAM
I'm seeing her tomorrow night I'll ask her then.

ANITA
OK, Holly, we gotta go pick up the van.

ADAM
You're getting a van? What for?

ANITA
We're driving down to Tijuana after work tomorrow...

ELLEN
They're buying a ton of hideous mexican art work, but of course I wouldn't understand that, because I have no vision! I'm like a blind woman!
After saying that Ellen turns around and hurts herself on the knee as she passes the little living room table.
 
 
VII. ELLEN'S APARTMENT, the next day. Adam is preparing everything for his date with Maria.

ADAM
[says something in Spanish]
Somebody knocks on the door. Adam opens it.

MARIA
Hello.

ADAM
Hello, come in. (imitating Maria's Spanish accent) Come in!

MARIA
Oh. ...Oh, this is very nice.

ADAM
Thanks! Thanks, uh.. mi casa es su casa!

MARIA
Ah, gracias. ...So.. do you live alone?

ADAM
Yes. ..Uh, well.. no! Technically no. I live with Ellen. Blond hair,.. but we just live together, no {esta intercorsas}! ...Can I offer you something to drink?

MARIA
Oh, no no no no no, no drink, uh... why don't you sit here?

ADAM
{Loce cieras, ciero}!

MARIA
(laughs) Oh, you were studying!

ADAM
Yes, yes. Uh.. Spanish is my... passion!

MARIA
Oh, Adam. There is something I want to say to you.

ADAM
OK.

MARIA
Oh, but it is important for me to say it right. But since my English is not so good, my sister write down for me!

ADAM
That's sweet.

MARIA
(takes a paper out of her décolleté)
OK, I read.. Dear Adam, I heard every word you and your friend said over the baby monitor and unless you give me $1500 I will tell my boss everything! ...Oh.. Thank you for your cooperation.
 
 
VIII. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Some time later...

MARIA
Maybe she just call.
She wants to leave.

ADAM
No, really, I swear, she'll be home any second.

MARIA
OK, I'll wait a few minutes but you know then I.. I have to go!

ADAM
So.. you really aren't interested in me at all?

MARIA
Oh... no...

ADAM
What exactly is it that you don't like about me?

MARIA
There're so many things... Oh..oh, look Adam. In Salvadore I have two PHDs, OK? Comparative literature and philosophy. Of course in this country that get you scored!
Ellen enters the apartment.

ADAM
Hey there!

ELLEN
Hey, I won't be long and I promise I'll be out of here in minutes!

ADAM
No, I think you might wanna stay!

ELLEN
Why is that?

ADAM
Well, it turns out that the baby monitor wasn't upstairs with Susan!

ELLEN
Oh, you're kidding, that's great!

ADAM
Not really, it was in the kitchen with Maria!

MARIA
Oh.. yeah... (takes out her paper again)... Dear Adam.. and Ellen, ..I heard every word you and your friend said over the baby monitor and unless you give me $1500 I will tell my boss everything. Thank you for your cooperation.

ELLEN
You're kidding, you gotta be kidding..
Maria shakes her head.
You're serious, you're blackmailing me? ...I can't believe this, what did you tell her?!?

ADAM
I didn't tell her anything. She came up with this all on her own. She's got two PHDs, you know.

ELLEN
Well, it's ridiculous, I'm not paying it!

ADAM
Ellen, she's gonna tell Susan everything!

ELLEN
Fine, tell her! I don't even want the lousy job, you can tell her whatever you want!

MARIA
Oh no no no... (starts to cry)

ADAM
Now, see what you've done!

MARIA
Oh, it is not for me, OK. It's for my children! I haven't seen them in two years! I need money to pay man to bring them to me!

ADAM
Children? You never told me you had children!

ELLEN
Look, even if I wanted to I just don't have $1500, I barely have $15!

ADAM
I can't believe you have children!! It's just one thing after another with you!!

MARIA
Oh, oh Adam, Adam... oh..oh, no no no no, please, please, please, you must help me! You know, I would go to Tijuana and bring them myself but I can't come back in. You know, I need gringos!.... I mean beautiful American citizens. Oh..and it is so easy for you!

ELLEN
You want us to go down there?

MARIA
Oh, yeah! ...Oh oh oh, you just cross the border. They never question gringos, oh no, they just wave you through! ... Oh please, you're telling me you're not gonna get my children??
Since there is no reaction from Adam or Ellen Maria starts to cry again.
 
 
IX. Ellen, Adam, Holly, Anita and Maria's two children IN THE VAN AT THE MEXICAN BORDER.

ADAM
So, you're sure they just gonna wave us through?

HOLLY
There's no way they're gonna let us across with these kids!

ELLEN
I don't know what I was thinking!!

ADAM
Well, maybe we should just turn around.

ANITA
Well, it's not gonna be a problem, alright? I'm just gonna tell the guard that these are my children!

ELLEN
Yours?

ANITA
Yes, mine. I adopted, OK? And Adam, you're my husband. And Ellen, you're the nanny.

HOLLY
But who am I?

ANITA
You're a friend, you came along for the day to buy the art.

HOLLY
Oh.. OK.

ELLEN
How come I have to be the nanny? Holly, you'll be the nanny and I'll be the friend who bought the art.

HOLLY
Why should I be the nanny?

ELLEN
Well, you're good with kids..

HOLLY
Well, I don't want to work for Anita!

ANITA
Will you just shut up? Shut up!!
It's their turn now to be controlled.

OFFICER
Can I see your papers, please?

ELLEN
Papers?

OFFICER
Yes.

ADAM
He wants to see our papers!

ANITA
(to Ellen from behind)
Just tell him that we don't have any papers, we just came down for the day!

ELLEN
No papers. We're just here for the day. We came for the day. This is uh.. Anita. And her two little children. Adopted. Obviously. One might not bother to tell you that! You probably looked and said: Adopted! If they're hers... And uh.. the husband. And uh.. the nanny. And I'm the friend. I uh.. just came to get some art. I love art. Love, love, love art! Don't you love art? Mexican art especially. A collector if you will. So I just came down for the day to get this batch and I'm hitting all back! (laughs)

OFFICER
And you don't have any papers?

ANITA
Tell him no, we have no papers. We have no papers!

ELLEN
No, non papers. We have no papers!

OFFICER
But you must have papers!

ANITA
We have no papers!!!

ELLEN
Look pal, we don't have any papers. We're citizens of the US of A and just because her two little children happen to have a darker shade of skin doesn't give you the right to question their nationality or harass my friend or treat us like we are some type of second-class citizens! We are human beings, dammit, and we're doing nothing but exercising our God-given right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness!!

OFFICER
That's all well and good, ma'am, but I'm talking about the art work. I need to see you're import/export papers.

ANITA
Oh... Ellen...

ELLEN
Gee, Anita, I don't think I have any import/export papers!

OFFICER
Well then... We've got a problem then, ma'am. Everybody else can go on through, but you and the art work have to come with me!
Ellen has to get out of the car. Adam comes over to sit behind the wheel.

ADAM
(looking out of the window)
Thank you very much, officer.
 
 
X. Ellen speaking on the phone IN A MEXICAN PRISON.

ELLEN
Yeah, mom, fine. ... Fine, yeah. ... Well, looks like I actually did get the promotion after all. ... Yeah, I just checked the machine and uh.. Susan left a nice message, so... it's great. ... Uh.. the gift was a great idea, oh yeah! ... Sure was. ... Oh, a pink bunny with uh.. a tutu. ... No, it was sewn in. ... Yeah, one more thing real quick.. uhm.. I'm in a Mexican prison.. and I need to descend $1500 to post bail. ... Mom... Mom.. Don't "Oh-Ellen" me!
 
 
CLOSING CREDITS