"ELLEN" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by Black-Marlens Company in association with Touchstone Television. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
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SYNOPSIS:
Ellen needed to renew her driver's license photo. What she didn't need was to be told by her best friends, Holly, Anita and Adam, that her picture looked unnatural. Unable to live with the bad photo, Ellen decides to go get another license.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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I. Ellen and Holly are standing in line at the L.A. DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES.

PHOTOGRAPHER
(yells)
Next!

ELLEN
What do you think? Should I smile or not smile?

HOLLY
Let me see your smile.

ELLEN
You've seen my smile before.

HOLLY
I need to see it again!
Ellen smiles a very stupid smile.
Don't smile!

ELLEN
Geez!

HOLLY
No, it's just that everybodys driver's license picture is horrible and if you gonna look horrible anyway you don't wanna be standing there smiling like an idiot.

ELLEN
Good point. I'll go with the serious look.

HOLLY
Let me see the serious look.
Ellen looks "serious" which looks just as stupid as the smile.
Can I see the smile again?

ELLEN
Thanks for coming with me.

ROGER
Hi, uh, excuse me. I'd been standing here for two and a half hours and it's driving me crazy... Don't I know you?

HOLLY
Me? Uh..uh...no! I.. I, I don't.... I.... no!

ROGER
Interstate Bank, Lost and Found!

HOLLY
Oh my god, that's right. The sweater!
Roger shows her his sweater.
Oh, and you found it, that's terrific!

ROGER
Thanks. Did your checkbook ever turned up?

HOLLY
Oh, yeah yeah yeah, the highway patrol found it on a guy they shot.

ROGER
On a corpse?

HOLLY
Oh no no no no, he was still alive.

ROGER
Oh, I see. Good.

HOLLY
He died later.

ROGER
Oh {dear}.

HOLLY
Oh no no no no, it was good and he only used two checks. Hi.

ROGER
Hi.

HOLLY
Hi, I'm Holly, by the way.

ROGER
I'm Roger.

HOLLY
Hi Roger.

ROGER
Hi.

HOLLY
Hi.

ELLEN
I'm Ellen.

HOLLY
Hi.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Next!
Ellen goes over to get her picture taken.
Put your feet on the X!

ELLEN
The front of the feet or...

PHOTOGRAPHER
(interrupts her)
Put your feet on the X!
Ellen gives him a disapproving look.
Now smile!

ELLEN
That's okay.

PHOTOGRAPHER
What?

ELLEN
Thanks, really, but I don't wanna smile.
Ellen is obviously getting on his nervs.
Look: it's just that, you know it's gonna be a horrible picture.... I mean, you don't, I don't mean your work, I'm sure you're good, but...

PHOTOGRAPHER
Oh, come on. I bet you got a pretty smile.

ELLEN
No, I appreciate it, but... (realising the compliment) Really? You think? I mean no, I've, I've given it a lot of thought and I'm comfortable with my decision.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Okay, I just think it's a shame when a pretty girl like you doesn't want to smile.

ELLEN
Oh, for god's sake, would you just take the pic..(CLICK!).. ture!

PHOTOGRAPHER Next!
Ellen does her serious look again and leaves.
 
 

II. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Ellen is talking on the phone.

ELLEN
Hi, I'm trying to find out what would happen if uh... hypothetically, I lost my driver's license. ... Yes, yes, I'll hold.
Anita and Adam enter the apartment.

ANITA
No, when I said "person, place or thing" you said "person". "Underdog" is not a person!

ADAM
How can you say that "Underdog" is not a person?

ANITA
Because he's a flying dog!

ADAM
He's a talking flying dog! That makes him a person!

ANITA
No! It makes him a cartoon!

ADAM
So... so what, he's a thing? You're saying "Underdog" is a thing?

ELLEN
(still talking on the phone)
No no no, I just wanna know what would happen, if one day I should happen to lose my driver's license, yes, I'll hold.

ADAM
There, you've just gotten your driver's license.
Ellen hands him her driver's license.
Wow!

ELLEN
Thank you.

ADAM
No, it, it's not that bad....really! ......Is this right side up?

ANITA
Let me see! Let me...
Adam gives it to Anita.

ELLEN
Yeah, I see. And how much would that cost?

ANITA
(breaks out into laughter when she finally sees Ellen's picture)
Oh my god, what is wrong with you?
She continues laughing out loud.

ELLEN
That much, huh?

ANITA
What kinda face is that?? (laughs)

ELLEN
Okay, thank you.
Ellen hangs up the phone.

ANITA
Why would you make that face?

ELLEN
Yeah, Anita, I made that face on purpose!

ADAM
How much to replace it?

ELLEN
45. Plus I have to take another day off from the bookstore, spend another 3 hours at the DMV...

ANITA
(still laughing)
That's really an ugly face.

ELLEN
You know what? I happen to know that nobody's driver's license picture looks good.

ADAM
Mine's okay.

ANITA
I love mine.
Anita hands Ellen her driver's license.

ELLEN
(looking at the picture)
What, are you naked in this?

ANITA
I wore a {toop} top and I've been pulled over five times and never got a ticket. ...So, isn't there anything else you'd like to report about the DMV?

ELLEN
Oh my god, yes, Holly met a guy!

ANITA
I know. His name is Roger Kunik.

ELLEN
You talked to Holly?

ANITA
No, I talked to Steve Pike, the guy I work with.

ELLEN
The guy with the chin?

ANITA
With the ears.

ELLEN
Ah..

ANITA
And he shares a house with Roger and he told me everything about him and I mean everything!

ADAM
Like what?

ANITA
Well, he's an attorney; very successful, he plays the guitar, he's a good athlet, Steve says he's a big skier, and on the flip side I'm sorry to report that he uh... he irons his jeans.

ELLEN
He what?

ADAM
Yeah.

ANITA
Oh, and he's not a pervert or anything, but apparently he does have a tendency to uh... to bark.

ELLEN
Excuse me?

ADAM
He barks?

ANITA
Yeah, he barks.

ADAM
I don't get it.

ANITA
You know like doing intercourse.

ELLEN
Oh, I can not believe you told us this! Aaaahhhhhh!

ADAM
What kind of bark? You know, like, like a dog? He barks like a dog?

ANITA
No, it's uh, you know like "woo woo woo"!

ELLEN
He barks like Arsenio Hall during intercourse?
Adam and Anita are laughing while Ellen gets more and more uncomfortable.

ELLEN
Oh no, you know what? No, it's good that I know this because now if she marries him and spends the rest of her life with him, I'm gonna have to think about this every time they come over for a barbecue, and one day he's just gonna innocently ask me to pass the ketchup and I'm gonna say "I know! I know! I know about the barking!" !!!
Holly enters the apartment.

HOLLY
Hey guys!

ELLEN
Hey Holly!

ANITA
Hi!

ADAM
Hi! We were just talking about you.

ANITA
Yeah, Ellen told us about the date!

HOLLY
A date.

ELLEN
Holly, it's your first date in eleven months, I think we can refer to it as the date.

HOLLY
Okay you guys, so you have to tell me the truth...
She opens her jacket.
Does this say desperate? I don't wanna say desperate. Lonely is okay, needy I can live with, but, but, but not desperate.

ELLEN
It's perfect. You look great.

ANITA
Yeah, you look beautiful.

ADAM Woo woo woo!
Ellen stares at him as if she wanted to kill him.
What?
 
 

III. Ellen and Anita in the GROCERY.

Ellen is reading a magazine.

ELLEN
Another exciting night at the bind back. Look at this: "Woman's mother spontaneously combusts". It is so ridiculous... Gotta light 'em!
Ellen hands the cashier her driver's license.

CASHIER I'm sorry ma'am, I think you've given me your husband's license.
 
 

IV. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Ellen is talking on the phone while Adam is doing a crossword.

ELLEN
Yeah, Ellen Morgan, and I've lost my driver's license. That is, ist was stolen, tragically, and uh, I need to make an appointment to re... Yes, I'll hold.

(begins to sing)
Why do you build me up... buttercup baby, just to let me down... and mess me around and then worst of all...

ADAM
(joins in)
Worst of all...

ELLEN
You never call baby when you say you will...

ADAM
Say you will...

ELLEN
But I love you still...

ADAM & ELLEN
I need you, I need you  more than anyone darling, you know that I have from the start...

ELLEN
So build me up...

ADAM & ELLEN
Build me up...

ELLEN
Buttercup...

ADAM & ELLEN
Don t break my heart!

ELLEN
(getting more and more excited)
Iiiiiiiiiiii need yoooooouuuuuuhuhuhuuuuuu.... oh, yes, uhu, 10.15, Tuesday. Thank you.
Ellen hangs up. Anita enters the apartment.

ANITA
Okay you guys, Holly's parking the car, so let me just get straight to the dirt!

ELLEN
Oh, no... This is really awful.

ANITA
Oh, you don't know the half of it!

ELLEN
And I don't wanna know! I just get this, this ragged slimy feeling hearing about my friend's life behind her back like this.

ADAM
Now see, I don't!

ANITA
Okay, {alright}.
Anita whispers the news to Adam.

ADAM
Really?

ANITA
Yeah.

ADAM
Wow!... Geez... Unbelievable!... Goodbye Mr. Spolding!!

ELLEN
Alright, okay, what is it?

ANITA
What, you said you didn't wanna know.

ELLEN
But if you gonna tell him...

ANITA
Oh no, I think you should beg me, I think you should say "I have no moral or ethical standards, I just really want to know the dirt"!

ELLEN
Forget it!

(after a short pause)
I have no moral or ethical standards, I just want to know the dirt!

ANITA
He had a good time, he had good conversation, good food, but she spent twenty minutes with a huge chunk of broccoli stuck to her face!

ELLEN
Oh, thank you for that!

ADAM
Pointed out, or self-discovered?
Anita makes a gesture as if to say "Well..."

ELLEN
He had to point it out?

ADAM
How could she not notice?

ELLEN
Did he do the face thing?

ANITA
Well, he said he did the face thing.

ADAM
Hah, how do you not notice the face thing?

ELLEN
Okay, okay, this is what I was afraid of. Now, now she's gonna come in here and we're all gonna be uncomfortable and she's not gonna tell us what happened, so we've gonna have to act like we don't know what happened. And if we really didn't know what happened, then we might innocently ask the kinds of questions that would lead er to admit to what happened, but since we know what happened we gonne be conscious to avoid those questions and she won't be able to tell us and the entire support of friends' dynamic is completly thrown out of whack!!

ANITA
You're overthinking this.

ADAM
I don't even know what the hell you're talking about!

ANITA
Look, Ellen, she's gonna be up here any second, let's just, just, just keep our mouths shut! Be supportive.

ELLEN
Alright, but act NORMAL! Like you don't know anything. Just be yourself!
Holly enters the apartment.

HOLLY
Hey!

ADAM, ELLEN & ANITA
(in sync)
Hey Holly!

ADAM
Sooo... how was the date?

ELLEN
Holly (laughs), you're under no obligation to tell us anything about it. It's none of our business, so if you don't wanna talk about it, you don't have to.

ANITA
Sooo?

HOLLY
It was fun.

ANITA
Fun?

HOLLY
Yeah... fun. He was very sweet... we had a lot to talk about... good meal... fun!

ELLEN
That's great!

ANITA
So, were you comfortable?

ELLEN
Was she comfortable? She just said that she had fun. Fun is comfortable! Comfortable - fun, fun - comfortable. They're interchangeable!

HOLLY
Yeah, I was comfortable.

ELLEN
She was comfortable.

ADAM
What did you have to eat?

ELLEN
Who cares what she had to eat? She just said the meal was good, and I don't think we need to know what every bite tasted like, do you?!?
There's the killing look again.

ADAM
I would just like to know what she had to eat.

HOLLY
Fish.

ELLEN
Fish!

ANITA
So, did you have the tuna or the swordfish?

ELLEN
What is wrong with you people?!? How was it? Were you comfortable? What did you have to eat? Questions, questions, questions!! She's been through a major inter-gender ordeal here. She needs our support, not an inquisition or do you have no sense of decency?!?
Awkward silence.

HOLLY
I had the tuna.

ELLEN
She had the tuna!

ADAM Did you get a vegetable with that?
 
 

V. Ellen in line at the DMV.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Next!
Now that she will be next Ellen takes the baseball cap off and unzips her jacket. She's dressed up for the picture.

ELLEN
(to some depressed looking women standing behind her)
I just happened to be wearing this today. It's funny 'cause it looks silly to wear something like this just to get your driver's license picture taken, but that's what I was wearing anyway. Ha! ... You know what I find the most important thing to remember is? Don't let them catch you off guard! Whatever look you decide to go with, whether it's the, the smile or, or the serious look... like that... you gotta maintain it the whole time you're up there, otherwise they'll catch you with some goofy look an your face and that's when they take the picture. It happened to me once. Last Wednesday, actually. ... So, you gonna smile?

DEPRESSED WOMAN
Why wouldn't I smile?

PHOTOGRAPHER
Next!
Ellen goes over to get her picture taken.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Put your feet on the X!

ELLEN
Okay.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Now smile!

ELLEN
Oh what the hell! A pretty girl like me, huh? (smiles) Okay, I'm ready.
The telephone rings. The photographer answers it.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Hello? Aha.... ahaa..... well, if he doesn't want to use the potty, put him in a diaper!

ELLEN
(still smiling)
Excuse me.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Well, if he doesn't want to wear a diaper, put him out in the yard with Bucky!

ELLEN
Is this gonna be a while?

PHOTOGRAPHER
Brandon? This is Daddy! Is the potty too scary again?

ELLEN
(really annoyed now)
Look, if you could just tell me if it's gonna be a while, I could wait right over th..(CLICK!)..there!

PHOTOGRAPHER Next!
Ellen does her serious look again and leaves.
 
 

VI. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Adam is watching TV, Ellen is standing next to him.

ELLEN
What do you think?

ADAM
What?... Oh, uh, the license, right. Okay. Uh, let's see. Uh, now this was the first one... and this was the second one...
He compares the two licenses and starts to laugh. Ellen takes them away and tears them to pieces.

ADAM
What are you doing?

ELLEN
I'm into this for 70 bucks I may as well go till I get it right.
Anita enters the apartment.

ANITA
Okay, listen to this: After work tonight a bunch of us including that guy, Steve Pike, went out for beer...

ELLEN
Hey, and before you say anything more, if you have any more dirt on Holly and Roger, I don't want to hear it.

ANITA
He's going to sleep with her and then he's going to dump her.

ELLEN
What? He's gonna dump her, are you sure?

ANITA
Yeah. He says he doesn't see it going anywhere. He says he doesn't feel that she has enough of a sense of her goals and direction in life!

ELLEN
Goals and direction?

ADAM
So when's she getting the ads?

ANITA
Tonight.

ELLEN
Tonight? He's gonna sleep with her tonight and then he's gonna dump her tonight?

ANITA
Yeah. I guess.

ELLEN
Oh my god! Men! Men are scum!

ANITA
What are we gonna do?

ELLEN
Okay, Anita, think! Would he take her to his place or her's?

ANITA
To her's, to her's. Steve's having people over.

ELLEN
Okay, let's go!
They all head to the door.
Oh, hey, wait!
Ellen calls Holly's number. Holly's machine answers.

HOLLY'S A.M. Hi, this is Holly... CUT TO
HOLLY'S PLACE. Holly and Roger are hugging in front of Holly's apartment.

CUT BACK TO

ELLEN'S APARTMENT.

ELLEN (PEEP!)...Yeah, hi Holly, it's Ellen. Uh... uh...whatever you do tonight, do not sleep with Roger! The guy is a lying, sneaking, slimy, scumy, slug of a... of a... of a slug! He's been going around behind your back and telling Steve everything about you, and I mean everything!
Anita and Adam do the "face thing".
Oh, and in case you don't believe me, we know that you had a big chunk of broccoli on your left cheek for twenty minutes during dinner at Luigi's. Okay, call me! Bye.
She hangs up and the three of them rush out of the apartment.
 
 

VII. Anita, Ellen and Adam in ELLEN'S CAR. Ellen is driving.

ANITA
Ellen, you're speeding.

ELLEN I know I'm speeding, I'm in a hurry! We're almost there.
The siren of a police car is heard. They have to stop. CUT TO
HOLLY'S APARTMENT. Holly just notices the message on her machine but doesn't have the chance to hear it for Roger turns her around and kisses her.

CUT BACK TO

ELLEN'S CAR. A police officer has approached the car.

ELLEN
Good evening.

POLICE OFFICER
Registration and driver's license, please.

ELLEN
(miserable) Driver's license? CUT TO
HOLLY'S APARTMENT. Roger carries Holly towards the bedroom but bumps her against the door frame twice.

CUT BACK TO

ELLEN'S CAR. The police officer hands Ellen her first ticket.

ELLEN How many tickets are you writing there?.... It's not like I don't have a driver's license. I have two. .... It's kind of a funny story, uhm... I was at the DMV... Department of Motor Vehicles... of course you know that! A big, strong, handsome police man like you! And tall, too! Your crutch comes right up to my window. ... Hello!... I'm talking to it!... Can I get some fries with that ticket?
Ellen gets her second ticket.
 
 

VIII. Ellen, Anita and Adam arrive at HOLLY'S APARTMENT. They hurry out of the car and head straight for the door. They stop right in front of Holly's living room window, when they hear Roger bark.

ROGER
(V.O.)
Woo, woo, woo, woo............woaaaahhh.

ELLEN
I think we're too late.

ADAM
Maybe they're just watching Arsenio.

ANITA
What are we gonna do?

ELLEN
I don't know, we've gotta think.
Holly and Roger suddenly appear in the living room. Ellen, Anita and Adam immediatly hide behind some bushes that grow in front of Holly's window.

ANITA
(risking a glance)
Oh my god, she's practically naked!
Adam tries to take a look but Ellen keeps him down.

HOLLY
Hooh, I need some air.

ROGER
Yeah.

HOLLY
Yeah.

ROGER
Me too.

HOLLY
Yeah.

ADAM
(ironically)
Oh boy!

ROGER
Holly, there's something that I have to tell you.

ELLEN
Oh my god!

ADAM
Wait.
[Their voices (Adam's and Ellen's) are settled on the verge of audibility.]

ROGER
Over the past week we had a lot of fun together but I, I have to be honest, I've been having some doubts.

ELLEN
(again whispering)
He's going to break up!

ROGER
(continues)
But tonight, when I was with you... all of a sudden, it hit me (hits himself on the head) I'm in love! I don't know what happened, but I, I feel that it must be destiny. I love you, Holly. I wanna be with you. Always!

HOLLY
Oh, Roger!... Hey look, there's a message on my machine.
Ellen, Anita and Adam jump out of the bushes and ring the doorbell. Holly opens.

ELLEN
Hi!

HOLLY
Hi!

ADAM & ANITA
Hi!
[The "hi"s continue, but it's not possible to say who says so.]

HOLLY
What are you guys doing here?

ELLEN
Uh, we came to...uh...to borrow something...

ADAM
Yes, to borrow something.

HOLLY
To borrow something?

ELLEN
This candle stick!

ADAM
And this lamp!

ANITA
Oh, and we uh, needed to borrow that, the answering machine.

ELLEN
Ouh..right! The answering machine!

HOLLY
You wanna borrow my answering machine?

ELLEN
If it's not too much trouble. Uhm...mine's broken...and uh...you're home, so you don't need it, and I'm, I'm out, so... (grabs it)

HOLLY
Really? Hey, wait, wait, wait! (grabs the other end of it) What are you talking about?

ELLEN
Just give it to me!

HOLLY
No, why?

ELLEN
I know what I'm doing!

HOLLY
It's my machine!
While the two are struggling for the machine...

ANITA
(grabs Roger's hand)
Oh, I'm Anita, by the way. Hi! You're Roger. Roger, hi!

ADAM
(takes the other one)
I'm Adam.

ROGER
Hi! Nice to meet you!

ANITA
Uh, we've heard so much about you!

ADAM
Yeah. A lot!

ROGER
Really? Good things I hope.

ADAM
Very good!

ELLEN
Just let go!

HOLLY
You let go!

ELLEN
Just give it to me!

HOLLY
No!!
One of them accidently pushes the buttom.

HOLLY'S A.M.
PEEP!... Yeah, Holly, listen, it's Ellen.

HOLLY
That's you!

ELLEN
What do you know?

HOLLY'S A.M.
Whatever you do tonight, do not sleep with Roger. The guy is a lying, sneaking, slimy, scumy, slug of a... of a... of a slug! He's been going around behind your back and telling Steve everything about you, and I mean everything! Oh, and in case you don't believe me, we know that you had a chunk of broccoli on your left cheek for twenty minutes during dinner at Luigi's. Okay, call me! Bye.
An angry look from Holly.

ELLEN
It certainly is awkward.

HOLLY
(suddenly shouting at Roger)
You talked to Steve?!? You told that leering, butt-scratching {bug} about everything?!?

ROGER
Oh, not everything...

HOLLY
Get out, Roger!

ROGER
What?

HOLLY
Out!

ROGER
Can I at least get my...

HOLLY
No!

ROGER
Okay.
Roger leaves in dressing-gown. Holly slams the door behind him.
Awkward silence again.

ELLEN
I can explain.

HOLLY
Oh, don't bother!
She throws herself onto the couch and starts eating chips.
Oh.......oh, I didn't tell you guys this but....... I was gonna dump him tonight anyways.

ELLEN
You were?

HOLLY
Yeah. But I figured... I got him here... I could also sleep with him first.

ELLEN
Did you hear that? She was gonna dump him tonight anyway.

ANITA
She was gonna dump him? (laughs)

ELLEN
She just wanted to sleep with him first. Oh Holly, that's so great!
Ellen and Anita go to sit on the couch with Holly, the three of them giggling.

ANITA
Terrific!

ELLEN
You're a little tramp!

ADAM
Oh my god! Women! Women are scum!

ELLEN
Oh come on, Adam. You know it's only a matter of time before the neighbours started complaining about that barking. (continues giggling)

HOLLY
(imitating Roger)
Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo... (laughs)

ADAM Woo, woo, woo, ..........wooahhhhhhh...
 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

Why do you build me up,

(Build me up)

Buttercup baby,

Just to let me down

(Let me down)

And mess me around

But then worst of all

(Worst of all)

You never call baby when you say you will

(Say you will)

But I love you still

I need you

(I need you)

More than anyone, darling

You know that I have from the start

So, build me up,

(Build me up)

Buttercup,

Don't break my heart.