DIAGNOSIS MURDER
"Must Kill TV"
Written by Lee Goldberg
&
William Rabkin
TEASER
FADE IN:
1 INT. NETWORK - BOARD ROOM - DAY 1
This is a scheduling meeting of the top programming executives
at the Monumental Broadcasting Company (MBC). They sit around
a conference table, all eyes on RACHEL WOODRELL, late 20s, and
not just because she is the president of the entertainment
division - she is also a strikingly beautiful woman. On the
wall behind her is a board depicting the schedules of the five
major networks (ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and MBC). She is listening
to a pitch from her vp of drama development, PAIGE JENNINGS,
30s.
PAIGE
"Sexual Surrogate" is cutting-edge
drama about a dedicated therapist
who uses her body and soul to help
families in crisis.
RACHEL
You want me to buy a series about
a hooker?
PAIGE
(defensively)
She's a licensed, health-care
professional. It's a perfectly
legal, compelling side of the
medical profession we've never
seen on television before.
RACHEL
We're the "family values" network,
remember? Our viewers want people
to go to angels, not hookers, to
solve their problems. MBC is the
fifth-ranked network and an
industry joke. I was brought here
to change that.
PAIGE
What about "Big Mann On Campus?"
RACHEL
The theology student with a bible
and a badge.
PAIGE
Think Brad Pitt.
RACHEL
But we don't have Brad Pitt.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 2.
1 CONTINUED: 1
PAIGE
Brad Pitt wasn't always Brad Pitt.
For a long time, he was just Brad
Pitt.
(then)
"Big Mann on Campus" is "Hunter"
meets "Wiseguy" on "21 Jump
Street." And we've got Jackson
Burley running the show.
RACHEL
Burley hasn't had a hit in ten
years - anthropologists should
freeze him now so people in the
future can see what the 1980s were
like.
PAIGE
This is his comeback. He's just
delivered the pilot. It won't kill
you to see it.
Rachel gathers up her papers and starts to rise.
RACHEL
Anything else?
Paige hits a button on the intercom.
PAIGE
(into intercom)
Send Harry in.
The door opens and HARRY FELLOWS, 50s, the head of the
mailroom, carries in a HUGE MAILBAG and EMPTIES it onto the
conference table. HUNDREDS OF LETTERS pour out.
HARRY
We've got three more bags of this
in the mailroom.
RACHEL
Imagine that - mail in the
mailroom. What's the point?
PAIGE
They're all from fans of "Space
Cops."
RACHEL
You mean fat women with unicorn
jewelry and elf statuettes who
dream of finding men as
affectionate as their cats.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 3.
1 CONTINUED: (2) 1
PAIGE
The Spacies are very devoted
viewers. In fact, research shows
most are baby-boomers and their
children, all of whom fall
comfortably into the 18-49
demographic.
(then)
Given time and patience, "Space
Cops" could become a multi-media
phenomenon.
RACHEL
Not even if it had Brad Pitt.
Rachel gets up and leaves. And on Paige, glowering after her:
2 INT. NETWORK - CORRIDOR - DAY 2
Rachel emerges from the board room to find KAREN DININO, also
in her late 20s, efficient and business-like, waiting for her.
KAREN
We have things to discuss.
RACHEL
Outside - I need some air.
3 EXT. NETWORK - DAY 3
As Rachel and Karen emerge from the building.
RACHEL
Each day, that office seems to get
smaller and smaller. I have this
nightmare that the walls are going
to crush me.
KAREN
You don't have to be a shrink to
understand where that is coming
from. You're a beautiful woman in
her 20s who replaced a balding man
in his 60s. And you have to
announce your first primetime
schedule in just four weeks.
RACHEL
Everyone hates me. Everyone
expects me to fail.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 4.
3 CONTINUED: 3
KAREN
You're under enormous pressure, no
doubt about it. But you don't help
yourself by doing this.
She pulls a MAGAZINE out of her briefcase. Rachel is on the
cover, in her Gucci best, under the headline: "They Hate Me
Because I'm So Damn Good."
RACHEL
You're my lawyer, not my publicist.
Rachel starts to cross the street, Karen alongside her.
KAREN
I'm your oldest friend and your
sorority sister, which makes me
one of the few people who can say:
What the hell were you thinking?
RACHEL
I can't just sit and let the
entire TV industry trash me in the
press.
KAREN
Yes, you can. You can't lose. The
only way you'll go is if they fire
you - and if they do, they still
have to pay you the balance of
your $15 million contract.
RACHEL
It's not the money I care about,
it's the respect.
KAREN
Money is respect in this business.
And that's when they hear the SCREECH of TIRES on asphalt.
They turn to see:
4 AN OLD LTD 4
Bearing down on them, a WOMAN in a SPACE COPS UNIFORM and
SOLAR VISOR behind the wheel.
5 WIDE ANGLE ON 5
Rachel and Karen as they barely dive out of the way in time.
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 5.
6 TIGHT ON RACHEL 6
As she sits up, clutching her chest, grimacing in pain. She
searches frantically for her purse, but it's nowhere to be
found. The panic and pain increase. She can't move. Karen
rushes up to her and immediately realizes what's happening.
KAREN
Oh my God -- where are your pills?
Rachel is in too much pain to talk. Karen scrambles around,
looking for the purse, finally finding it under a parked car.
She grabs the purse, empties it on the ground, scoops up the
BOTTLE OF PILLS and rushes to Rachel, who takes a PILL and
jams it under her tongue. The relief is almost immediate.
KAREN
Someone call 911. Hurry!
And on Karen comforting Rachel, we FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 6.
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
7 EXT. COMMUNITY GENERAL HOSPITAL - ESTABLISHING - DAY 7
8 INT. COMMUNITY GENERAL - DAY 8
DR. JESSE TRAVIS is at the nurse's station, talking on the
phone, as DR. AMANDA BENTLEY comes up. Jesse seems
uncomfortable.
JESSE
The salmon are running? That's
great, Dad. What from?
(then)
If I can remove a spleen, I think
I can handle baiting a hook with
a live worm.
Amanda smiles. Jesse turns away from her.
JESSE
Look, we can talk about this when
I get there. Yeah, I can't wait
either. Bye, Dad.
Jesse hangs up. Amanda looks at him.
AMANDA
You're visiting your father?
JESSE
My vacation is coming up in a
couple days. I made the mistake of
telling him. Now he wants to go
fishing with me for a week in
Oregon.
AMANDA
That's wonderful.
(off his look)
Isn't it?
JESSE
I haven't seen him since my
parents got divorced and he
remarried. I was in high school.
He's got a new family now, a
couple stepsons, a big dog.
AMANDA
But he's not calling them, he's
calling you. This is an
opportunity to get to know him.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 7.
8 CONTINUED: 8
JESSE
What's the point now?
AMANDA
You once told me you envied the
father-son relationship that Mark
and Steve have.
JESSE
I do.
AMANDA
Then this is your chance to build
that same relationship with your
father.
JESSE
But I don't want it with my
father. I want it with Steve's
father.
She gives him a supportive squeeze.
AMANDA
I'm sure your Dad wants the same
thing you do. But neither one of
you can get it alone.
She walks away, and on Jesse's worried look, we CUT TO:
9 INT. COMMUNITY GENERAL - DIFFERENT FLOOR - DAY 9
Mark is emerging from the elevator, dogged by PHIL ZARKIN,
30s, who clearly has been chasing him through the hospital for
some time.
PHIL
The two most enduring genres on TV
are cop shows and medical dramas.
You are a franchise.
MARK
A what?
PHIL
A series. I call it "Dr. Danger."
He heals the sick and nails the
scumbags. His weapons are a
stethoscope and a gun.
MARK
I don't have a gun.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 8.
9 CONTINUED: 9
PHIL
Nuns don't fly, cars don't talk,
and angels don't look like Della
Reese. So what? I need you for the
pitch. To ground the concept in
reality.
MARK
That's what I'm talking about.
PHIL
Good - I'm glad you're on board.
Mark stops, not far from a hospital room door.
MARK
This sudden interest in my life
wouldn't have anything to do with
Rachel Woodrell being my patient,
would it?
Phil looks shocked... and hurt.
PHIL
A year ago, you exposed my wife as
a sick, twisted, money-hungry
murderer and sent her to prison.
The revelation tore my life apart,
it rocked my very soul. By doing
this project maybe I can finally
make the pain go away.
MARK
I'm sorry. I had no idea.
PHIL
I keep it locked inside.
(then)
But you know, a good pitch would
probably lift Rachel's spirits.
Phil heads for the room, but Mark stops him.
MARK
Not today. I'll help you with your
show on the condition that you
leave Rachel alone until she's
healthy and back at work.
PHIL
(nods)
You protect your patients because
you're a doctor who cares.
Phil turns to go, taking out a microcassette recorder to add:
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 9.
9 CONTINUED: (2) 9
PHIL
Fighting germs with medical
science and injustice with his
fists.
Mark shakes his head and goes into:
10 INT. COMMUNITY GENERAL - RACHEL'S ROOM - DAY 10
Mark is stunned to see the room has been transformed. A FAX
MACHINE, FIVE TVS, A VCR, and THREE PHONES have been
installed. All the TVs are on, muted, tuned in to the
inexpensive stock footage on the five networks. LT. STEVE
SLOAN and Karen Dinino are at Rachel's bedside, where she is
hooked up to heart-monitoring equipment. Her bed is covered
with SCRIPTS. As Steve takes notes, Mark starts unplugging the
phones and picking them up.
STEVE
Did you recognize the driver?
KAREN
It was a Spacie.
STEVE
Excuse me?
RACHEL
One of those obsessed "Space Cops"
fans in a Star Command uniform. I
canceled the show.
STEVE
They want to kill you over a TV
show?
RACHEL
Television is an intimate medium.
You let the characters into your
home every week. For some people,
the characters are almost real.
(then)
I didn't cancel their favorite
show, I killed their closest
friends.
STEVE
I'll look into it.
Steve closes his notebook. Mark stops him and dumps the three
phones in his arms.
MARK
Take these with you.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 10.
10 CONTINUED: 10
RACHEL
Wait - I need those phones to keep
in touch with the office.
MARK
I know. The fax machine and the
TVs go next.
RACHEL
Dr. Sloan, you're killing me.
MARK
No, they are. You've got to relax
and cut down on your stress.
RACHEL
I thought you said my condition
had stabilized.
MARK
It has, but you've still got high
blood pressure, hypertension, and
a family history of coronary
disease. You need some rest.
RACHEL
It's pilot season, Dr. Sloan. I
need to stay on top of the
business or I'm dead anyway.
MARK
That's the mindset that's driving
you to a heart attack.
Mark yanks the plug out of the wall and the FIVE TVs go dark.
Rachel shoots a pleading look at Karen.
RACHEL
Karen, explain it to him.
KAREN
Dr. Sloan, Rachel's ambition her
entire life has been to become the
top program executive at a major
network. She's hasn't slowed down
for one second getting there.
(then)
It's time she did.
RACHEL
Traitor.
Karen and Mark share a smile.
KAREN
I'll be back later.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 11.
10 CONTINUED: (2) 10
Mark follows her out.
11 INT. COMMUNITY GENERAL - CORRIDOR - DAY 11
Mark and Karen pause outside the door.
MARK
It's a good thing you knew about
her nitroglycerin pills.
KAREN
We were in the same sorority in
college, Dr. Sloan. We didn't have
any secrets from each other.
MARK
I'll share one with you: her
angina attack was a warning. She
has to slow down. Do you think she
will?
KAREN
Only if the next guy who tries to
run her over doesn't miss.
Karen walks away. And on Mark looking after her, we CUT TO:
12 INT. "SAVE SPACE COPS" STORE FRONT - DAY 12
This low-rent storefront is the world headquarters of the
"Save Space Cops" campaign. Several people in SPACE COPS
uniforms and BADGES work the telephones, prepare fliers, etc.
ERNIE COOLEY, 20s, their paunchy leader, wearing a high-
ranking Space Cop uniform and badge, formally addresses Steve.
ERNIE
I'm always glad to assist a fellow
officer.
STEVE
And you are?
ERNIE
High Admiral of the U.E.O.
(off Steve's look)
United Extraterrestrial Operations.
STEVE
I meant here on earth.
(off his blank look)
In the real world.
(frustrated)
What's it say on your driver's
license?
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 12.
12 CONTINUED: 12
ERNIE
Ernie Cooley.
Steve motions to the activity going on in the room.
STEVE
What's all this, Ernie?
ERNIE
We're mounting an international
campaign throughout fandom to save
"Space Cops." We're spamming the
Internet, leafletting the SF
conventions--
STEVE
--running over network executives.
ERNIE
Who do you think we are - "Babylon
5" fans? Each of us has sworn to
uphold the Space Cop creed.
He holds up his hands, palms out, like one of the Supremes
saying "stop in the name of love."
ERNIE
"To protect those of other races,
other places, other faces. To take
justice and peace to the furthest
edges of space... and beyond...
and beyond... and--"
STEVE
I get the point. But whoever tried
to kill Rachel Woodrell was in one
of those uniforms.
ERNIE
Clearly, this is an attempt to
besmirch the Spacies. Anyone can
wear the uniform, not everyone can
embody it and the ideals it
represents.
Suddenly a woman behind them starts to sob, rips the badge off
her chest, and hands it to Ernie.
JENNIFER
You're right. I don't deserve to
wear the badge.
ERNIE
(shocked)
Jennifer?
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 13.
12 CONTINUED: (2) 12
JENNIFER
(to Steve)
Someone had to stop her from
destroying the universe. I'm just
sorry I failed.
Steve takes her by the arm and leads her to the door. He turns
back to Ernie and his startled followers.
STEVE
You do know it's just a TV show,
right?
They look at him like he's nuts and we
CUT TO:
13 INT. COMMUNITY GENERAL - RACHEL'S ROOM - DAY 13
CARLETON EVEREST, 50s, at Rachel's bedside as Mark comes in.
EVEREST
Don't leave here one minute
earlier than necessary. Relax,
regroup, center yourself. Your
health is more important to us
than any network schedule.
RACHEL
Thank you, Carl. I appreciate that.
EVEREST
We're behind you 1000%.
He leaves. Mark turns to Rachel.
MARK
You're very lucky to have such an
understanding boss.
RACHEL
He's a viper.
(off Mark's look)
Relax, regroup, center yourself.
Those are code words for "don't
bother looking over your shoulder,
the knives are already in your
back."
MARK
I had no idea the television
business was so brutal.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 14.
13 CONTINUED: 13
RACHEL
It's dog eat dog and all the dog's
puppies.
MARK
Have you ever thought of doing
something else?
RACHEL
I've saved every issue of TV Guide
since the day I learned to read.
This is the only thing I've ever
wanted to do. Now that I have it,
I'm not going to let a little
heart problem get in the way.
MARK
Your little heart problem could
kill you.
RACHEL
When can I get out of here?
MARK
I'm releasing you today but--.
She whips back the sheets to reveal she's already wearing HER
PANTS. Mark is stunned.
RACHEL
Good, because I was going to leave
in two minutes any way.
She pulls off her hospital gown and puts on her shirt.
MARK
Rachel, you have got to slow down
and reduce your stress.
She slips into her shoes.
RACHEL
I'm the first woman to run a
network. If I suddenly slow down,
I confirm what they already
think - that I can't take the
pressure, that I'm too weak and
fragile for the job.
MARK
I'm afraid you are.
She's not listening, or doesn't want to.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 15.
13 CONTINUED: (2) 13
RACHEL
I'll send a messenger for the rest
of my stuff. Thanks for
everything, Dr. Sloan.
She hurries out. Mark stands there for a moment, soaking this
all in, when Jesse passes by, carrying some files.
JESSE
There you are.
MARK
What's up?
Mark joins him in the hall.
14 INT. COMMUNITY GENERAL - CORRIDOR - DAY 14
Mark walks with Jesse.
JESSE
I'm supposed to go on vacation
tomorrow.
MARK
Have a wonderful time. You deserve
it.
JESSE
The thing is, I picked the worst
possible month to go. The
statistics clearly show that more
patients come in now than any
other time of year.
MARK
I think we'll manage.
JESSE
Maybe you should take a look at
the statistics yourself.
Jesse hands Mark the files.
JESSE
While you do that, I'll call my
travel agent and cancel my flight.
MARK
You're that eager to avoid seeing
your father?
Jesse stops, caught.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 16.
14 CONTINUED: 14
JESSE
I'd rather spend a week in
proctology.
Mark hands the files back to Jesse. That's when a VOICE calls
out:
PHIL (O.S.)
Calling Dr. Danger...
Mark and Jesse turn to see Phil bounding up to them.
PHIL (CON'T)
And his trusty assistant Derek.
JESSE
Jesse.
PHIL
Derek is better, trust me.
(to Mark)
We got a pitch with Rachel. Meet
you at her office today at three.
MARK
Today? She just left here.
PHIL
Shows you how eager she is to snap
this up before CBS gets it.
Phil claps Mark on the back, then says to Jesse:
PHIL
Troy works, too. Walk with it,
roll with it, see how it plays.
Phil leaves. And on Mark's look, we DISSOLVE TO:
15 EXT. MBC NETWORK BUILDING - ESTABLISHING - DAY 15
16 INT. NETWORK - RACHEL'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY 16
Mark and Phil come in to find writer/producer JACKSON BURLEY,
50s, pacing outside her door. Burley is as rugged and intense
as one of his TV action heroes... decked out in expensive
boots, tight pants, and a t-shirt that shows his
professionally sculpted pecs. And he talks as tough as he
looks. An ASSISTANT sits at a DESK near her door.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 17.
16 CONTINUED: 16
PHIL
(low, to Mark)
That's Jackson Burley.
(off Mark's look)
Writer/producer of "My Gun Has
Bullets" and "The Young Barnaby
Jones Chronicles?"
MARK
Never saw them.
Phil gives Mark a chastizing look.
PHIL
Even if you live in a cave, you
can get cable. Join our culture,
it's fun.
(to Burley)
Jack! How's it going?
JACK
I've chewed the fat on the
swallowed bullet and that's
straight.
Jack turns his back on them. Mark looks confused.
MARK
(low, to Phil)
What did he just say?
PHIL
(low, to Mark)
I have no idea, but I agree with
him wholeheartedly.
(then, to Jack)
Same goes triple for me. Here to
pitch Rachel?
JACK
She's screening my pilot - "Big
Mann on Campus." That's with two
"Ns." He's a theology student who
carries a 4.0 average and a .357
magnum.
PHIL
I heard the buzz on that is so
high you can get altitude sickness
just talking about it.
JACK
Used to be I didn't have to wait
for anyone. I got a 22 episode
commitment for my grocery list.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 18.
16 CONTINUED: (2) 16
PHIL
I think I saw that show.
Jack turns back to the door, looking at it with worry. And on
Phil's hurt look and Mark's amusement, we CUT TO:
17 INT. NETWORK - RACHEL'S OFFICE - DAY 17
Rachel is sitting in her big, overstuffed chair, knees drawn
up against her, a script and a mineral water nearby, as she
watches:
18 HER POV - THE TELEVISION 18
The pilot for "Big Mann on Campus" is well under way. Theology
student TJ MANN, 20s, (CAMEO STAR #1) is walking with a
SORORITY GIRL, 20s, down a hallway in her sorority house.
MANN
This is our third date, Cindy. I
need more from you.
CINDY
I'm not that kind of girl.
MANN
And I'm not that kind of guy.
CINDY
Then what is it you want?
MANN
To know you. To understand you. To
touch your soul before I touch
your body.
She stares at him with admiration bordering on lust.
CINDY
You are different from all the
other boys. Maybe I can show you
who I really am. What I truly
believe in.
19 RACHEL 19
groans and makes a note on her script. And we go
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 19.
20 BACK TO THE TV 20
Cindy opens a door at the end of the hall, revealing SEVERAL
SORORITY GIRLS in diaphanous robes dancing around a FIERY
PENTAGRAM and a GOAT'S SKULL on an alter. Cindy beckons Mann
in with a demonic smile.
CINDY
Satan!
21 RACHEL 21
Tears through her script IN A RAGE as we HEAR CHANTING from
the TV.
RACHEL
What is this?!
MANN'S VOICE (ON TV)
This isn't a sorority. It's a
satanic cult!
RACHEL
No!
Rachel RIPS out the pages and throws them at the television.
Suddenly, she's gripped by a TREMENDOUS PAIN in her chest and
falls against her desk, knocking things down.
22 INT. NETWORK - RACHEL'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY 22
Mark, Phil, and Jack react to the commotion. Phil smiles
encouragingly at Jack.
PHIL
I think you moved her.
23 BACK TO SCENE 23
She gropes for her pills, finds them, and jams them in her
mouth. But nothing happens!
CINDY'S VOICE (ON TV)
It's not a cult, it's an
alternative lifestyle. Open your
black heart to Satan, TJ. We have.
Another PAIN hits her, worse than the one before. She falls
into a bookcase, causing the whole thing to fall with a
tremendous crash.
24 INT. NETWORK - RACHEL'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY 24
Mark goes to the door. It's locked. He turns to her ASSISTANT.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 20.
24 CONTINUED: 24
MARK
I'm her doctor. We have to get in
there.
JACK
Allow me.
Jack raises his booted foot and expertly KICKS THE DOOR OPEN.
Mark rushes in, followed by the others.
25 INT. NETWORK - RACHEL'S OFFICE - DAY 25
to find Rachel sprawled on the floor. Mark and Jack rush to
her.
MARK
(to assistant)
Call an ambulance!
Mark and Jack begin CPR together. Phil goes to the TV.
26 HIS POV - THE TV 26
TJ Mann pulls out his gun and a badge.
MANN
Blow out the candles on your
pentagram, baby. You're all under
arrest.
27 BACK TO SCENE 27
Phil shakes his head.
PHIL
This sucks.
Behind him, Mark gives up, shakes his head sadly at Jack.
MARK
She's dead.
Phil stares down at her, then back at the TV.
PHIL
It's worse than I thought.
And on everyone's shock, we..FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 21.
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
28 INT. COMMUNITY GENERAL - PATHOLOGY - DAY 28
Amanda is standing over the body with Mark.
AMANDA
It's pretty clear-cut, Mark. She
died of a heart attack.
MARK
Rachel knew she was high-risk for
cardiac problems. This was a death
that didn't have to happen.
In the background, we see Jesse walking by with his suitcases.
AMANDA
In more ways than one. I found
glucose under her tongue.
MARK
Glucose?
AMANDA
Her nitroglycerin tablets were
replaced with sugar pills. This
was murder.
Jesse drops his bags and rushes in.
JESSE
Did someone say "murder?"
(sees body)
Isn't that Rachel Woodrell?
MARK
Don't worry - we can handle it.
JESSE
Not without me. You'll need help
negotiating the labrynthian
corridors of power at MBC.
MARK
(to Jesse)
You haven't had a vacation in over
a year, and you don't want to let
your father down.
Mark leads him to the door.
JESSE
But Mark, the investigation.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 22.
28 CONTINUED: 28
AMANDA
We'll tell you all about it when
you get back.
Amanda closes the door on him. Jesse reluctantly picks up his
suitcases and trudges away. And on Mark's smile, we CUT TO:
29 INT. NETWORK - RACHEL'S OFFICE - DAY 29
The last of Rachel's things are being moved out and Paige's
moved in as she finishes a conversation with Carleton Everest.
CARLETON
We know you're the best person for
the job.
PAIGE
I really appreciate the support,
Carl.
CARLETON
Rest assured, we are behind you
1000%.
Carleton leaves as Jackson Burley arrives, carrying AN
ENORMOUS BOUQUET OF FLOWERS.
PAIGE
What's this?
JACK
It's my way of saying you've
cracked the wall without shaving
the glitter off the cake, baby.
It's okay, Paige doesn't know what he just said, either. He
sets the flowers on her desk.
PAIGE
Thanks. I just wish it happened
differently. Rachel was like a
sister to me.
JACK
She was the glory and the hope,
the fire that burns in the
flowering rose that stings the
least.
Jack nods grimly, then takes a seat in front of her desk.
JACK
The best way to honor her memory
is to deliver a kick-ass schedule.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 23.
29 CONTINUED: 29
PAIGE
That's my commitment to her and to
this network.
JACK
So where are you putting "Big Mann
on Campus?"
PAIGE
Sorry, Jack, it's passe.
JACK
It wasn't passe yesterday.
PAIGE
Nothing is passe yesterday. This
is today. The show just isn't hip
any more. I need fresh ideas.
JACK
I leveraged my studio to produce
that pilot. If I don't get
something going to off-set the
deficits, I'm finished.
She starts to flip through some papers on her desk.
JACK
Okay, you want hip, I've got
something for you so cutting edge,
it draws blood.
(then)
"The New Peter Pan" - he's a fairy
with an attitude, and a badge.
PAIGE
It's too early to be developing
for midseason. Come back in a
couple months.
JACK
I don't have a couple months.
PAIGE
Try the WB. Thanks for the
flowers, Jack.
He glares at her and storms out.
30 INT. NETWORK - RACHEL/PAIGE'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY 30
Jack passes Phil, who's on a couch outside. He bolts up to
intercept him when he spots Mark and Steve approaching. He
goes to them instead.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 24.
30 CONTINUED: 30
PHIL
You got my message. I was
beginning to wonder.
MARK
What message?
PHIL
But I forgive you for being late.
Bringing Steve was a master stroke.
(to Steve: )
You got your badge and gun with
you?
MARK
What are you doing here?
PHIL
You don't think you could pitch
this alone, do you? Pitching is a
gift, and you just don't have it.
(then)
Paige is waiting. Let me do the
talking, you just fill in the gaps.
STEVE
We're here to investigate a murder.
PHIL
Not bad. Try to be more convincing
in the room.
MARK
Rachel Woodrell was killed.
Phil is stunned, but recovers fast.
PHIL
No problem. That will give our
pitch immediacy and verisimilitude.
Phil leads them into:
31 INT. NETWORK - PAIGE'S OFFICE - DAY 31
Paige steps around the desk to greet them. She offers Mark a
smile.
PAIGE
You must be Dr. Danger.
MARK
Dr. Mark Sloan. I'm a consultant
to the police.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 25.
31 CONTINUED: 31
STEVE
That's me.
Steve flashes his badge.
PHIL
That's his son. They live
together, too, which brings the
adventure home.
STEVE
We're investigating Rachel
Woodrell's murder. Someone
switched her heart medicine with
sugar pills.
PHIL
"A Sweet Way to Die." That could
be our pilot.
Mark admires the new furniture, plants, and artwork.
STEVE
We'll need all of Rachel
appointment books and belongings.
PAIGE
Help yourself. They're boxed up in
the hallway.
MARK
You've really decorated the office
nicely.
PAIGE
Is that your way of saying it
didn't take me long to move in?
PHIL
Friendly as Santa but cunning as
a ferret, isn't he?
PAIGE
It's pilot season, Dr. Sloan. I
don't have time to mourn. I have
to create a primetime schedule.
STEVE
Sounds like Rachel's murder was a
career opportunity for you.
She looks him right in the eye.
PAIGE
Yes, it was.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 26.
31 CONTINUED: (2) 31
PHIL
Ouch. Feel the heat? It will
radiate off the screen.
MARK
Did Rachel have any enemies?
PAIGE
She made careers and broke them.
Of course she had enemies. If I'm
any good at this, I will, too.
STEVE
What about death threats?
Paige goes to her INTERCOM and hits a button.
PAIGE
Lance, have the mailroom prepare
Rachel's hate mail for Detective
Sloan.
She turns back to Steve.
PAIGE
You can pick it up on your way
out. The executive mail room is
the last door before the elevators.
Mark and Steve share a look. They can take a hint.
MARK
Thanks for your time.
STEVE
We'll be back.
They leave. Phil stays behind, points where the Sloans stood,
and turns to Paige.
PHIL
Now that's a series.
32 INT. NETWORK - MAIL ROOM - DAY 32
Harry Fellows, who we met in the teaser, and his YOUNG
MAILROOM ASSOCIATES briefly sort the mail and faxes and file
it all in special carts. MESSENGERS come in and out to pick up
and deliver packages. Harry and his staff all wear tailored
jackets and ties. They look like lawyers, not mail men.
Several have their BACKS TO US as Mark and Steve enter.
MARK
Excuse me, is this the mailroom?
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 27.
32 CONTINUED: 32
HARRY
The heart of the network.
(offers his hand)
Harry Fellows. Manager of
Information Services and
Operations.
(then)
Which is a fancy way of saying
"the mail guy."
STEVE
You're awfully well-dressed for
mail men.
HARRY
We have to be presentable at all
times -- we deliver mail, faxes,
and packages to every office in
this building, from the CEO to the
lowest development executive.
(then)
That, and if you want any of those
jobs, you start here. They all did.
MARK
But the executives all seem so...
HARRY
Young?
(off Mark's nod)
Youth is much more important in TV
than experience. Rachel went from
here to running the network in
three years. Fastest rise and fall
I've seen in my three decades here.
STEVE
She didn't fall - she was pushed.
Steve flashes his badge.
STEVE
Steve Sloan. Homicide. We've come
for Rachel's hate mail.
HARRY
Saves us the trouble of shredding
it.
Harry motions to THREE LARGE, BULGING SACKS in the corner.
STEVE
That's all for Rachel?
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 28.
32 CONTINUED: (2) 32
HARRY
For the month. You need some help
down with it?
Mark and Steve share an incredulous look.
MARK
That would be nice.
Harry taps one of the mail boys. The man turns and it's JESSE.
And on Mark and Steve's surprise:
33 EXT. NETWORK PARKING LOT - DAY 33
As they toss the mailbags into Steve's trunk, Steve gives
Jesse a harsh glare.
MARK
What are you doing here? You're
supposed to be fishing with your
Dad.
JESSE
I've gone undercover to help you
explore the --
MARK
(interrupts)
Labrynthian corridors of power at
MBC.
STEVE
You're not an undercover cop,
Jesse. This is fraud.
JESSE
I got this job honestly, based on
my qualifications.
STEVE
You told them you were a surgical
resident at Community General?
JESSE
You bet I did. You need a masters
or better just to get an
interview. The competition is
brutal.
MARK
(to Steve)
We don't know anything about the
politics of network television. It
couldn't hurt to have a man on the
inside.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 29.
33 CONTINUED: 33
JESSE
"Jesse Travis: Man on the Inside."
Sounds like a series.
(off Steve's look)
See, I'm picking up the attitude
already.
STEVE
You have enough attitude. Pick up
anything else?
JESSE
Harry told you Rachel rose faster
than anybody. Well, Paige just
beat that record, thanks to
Rachel's death. It fits a
pattern - whoever is in her way
either quits or gets fired. One
way or another, they're gone.
MARK
You think she'd resort to murder?
JESSE
Like I said, it's brutal. And you
know Jackson Burley, the guy who
did "Big Mann on Campus?" He was
supposed to write the movie "Jack
Bludd: Actionfist."
STEVE
Great movie.
Steve does the action fist "fist shake."
JESSE
It made $150 million... and
counting. But Rachel wouldn't let
Burley out of his exclusive
contract to write the last three
episodes of "The Young Barnaby
Jones Chronicles."
(then)
And when he was done, she canceled
it.
MARK
(to Steve)
Sounds to me like Jesse did us a
favor.
34 EXT/INT. TV SHOW LOCATION - DAY 34
We are on the set of a TV SHOW. CAMEO STAR #2 sits in his
DIRECTOR'S CHAIR between shots.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 30.
34 CONTINUED: 34
He has BOLTS in his NECK, and a BADGE on his chest. Steve
stands in front of him.
CAMEO STAR #2
"Frankencop" isn't just another
basic cable action show. We're re-
writing the grammar of television.
STEVE
I had no idea.
CAMEO STAR #2
That's why Rachel Woodrell didn't
buy it - she didn't have the guts
to revolutionize the medium. Now
that she's gone, network TV will
have more shows with an edge.
Jackson Burley steps up, a head-set around his neck.
JACK
"The best pieces of a dozen dead
cops brought together to make one
great crime fighter: Frankencop."
(then)
They're ready for your shot, CAMEO
STAR #2.
The star goes off. Burley turns to Steve.
JACK
Twenty years from now you'll say
"Frankencop" in the same breath
with "Police Story," "Hill Street
Blues"--
STEVE
"Airwolf."
Jack nods in agreement.
JACK
Rachel could have had it but she
lacked the vision.
STEVE
Rachel could have had a lot of
things, but she lacked
nitroglycerin pills.
(off Jack's look)
Someone switched them with sugar
pills and killed her.
JACK
And you think I look good for it.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 31.
34 CONTINUED: (2) 34
STEVE
You were the last one to see her
alive. You could have switched the
pills during your meeting.
JACK
Why would I do that?
STEVE
She cost you a movie career and
then canceled your show.
JACK
Let me rephrase that - why would
I do that before she decided
whether to pick up my pilot? She
was watching "Big Mann on Campus"
before she died.
STEVE
Revenge?
Jack motions to the scene being shot in front of them.
JACK
They got guts in basic cable. What
they don't have is money. I'm
deficit financing this whole
thing. But without a network show
to generate some cash flow, well,
it's like they say on the street:
"You can walk the talk, but don't
run the gun if you can't stand the
hand."
Steve stares at him.
STEVE
That's what I always say.
And on Steve's look, we CUT TO:
35 INT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY 35
The table is covered with mail, scripts, and memos. Steve,
Jesse, and Amanda plow through the pile.
JESSE
(reading)
"I swear by Ghu that the
anthrobile mebocite who cancelled
the greatest show in the universe
will feel my wrath and tremble
before my righteous fury."
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 32.
35 CONTINUED: 35
STEVE
Unbelievable.
JESSE
I know. A fan base that devoted is
something most showrunners can
only dream about.
AMANDA
What kind of person would write
this?
STEVE
Clearly, someone who doesn't live
by the Space Cops creed.
AMANDA
The what?
JESSE
"To protect those of other races,
other faces --"
(off Steve's look)
Three thousand people write in to
save the show, I figure it's worth
a look.
AMANDA
The question is, is it worth a
life?
JESSE
The outer space law enforcement
theme specifically targets the key
young, urban males advertisers
crave, while the rugged authority
of the Captain Hudson character is
tremendously appealing to women 25-
49.
STEVE
Whoever did it had to have access
to her office to switch the pills.
Mark pulls Rachel's appointment book out of the box of papers.
MARK
According to her calendar, that
was just about everyone in the TV
business.
JESSE
During pilot season, a network
president is the most popular
person in the world - and the
loneliest.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 33.
35 CONTINUED: (2) 35
They all turn to look at him.
JESSE
Hey, you want the inside
perspective, I'm giving it to you.
STEVE
We're still waiting for something
useful.
JESSE
Rachel's first development season
was going to be her last.
MARK
Rachel was on her way out? Who
told you that?
JESSE
No one had to. I saw the pilots
she ordered.
(off their looks)
Okay, you tell me what you think
of this. It's the pilot she was
watching just before she died.
Jesse digs through the pile of papers and comes up with a
couple of crumpled script pages.
JESSE
It's TJ Mann's first date, okay?
He takes the girl back to her
sorority and says, "I need to know
you. To touch your soul before I
touch your body."
Amanda, not quite believing how bad this is, takes the pages
from Jesse, who points to the place on the page.
AMANDA
(reading)
"I need that, too. But I can't
have sex for free anymore. It's
$250 an hour. And if you're paying
by check, I'll need two forms of
ID."
Mark takes the pages, suddenly intrigued.
MARK
Let me see that.
(then)
I don't believe it.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 34.
35 CONTINUED: (3) 35
MARK
You just found the murder weapon.
Rachel Woodrell was killed by this
pilot.
And as they stare, astonished, we...
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 35.
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
36 INT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY 36
Mark slaps a tape into the VCR as Steve, Amanda, and Jesse
wait breathlessly for him to explain.
STEVE
Okay, you've got me. How can a
television pilot be a murder
weapon?
MARK
It gave her a heart attack. The
sugar pills ensured that it would
be fatal.
AMANDA
But how could the killer know she
would be alone when she reached
for the pills?
JESSE
Everyone knew that Rachel insisted
on watching tapes by herself.
(then)
But Rachel saw bad pilots all the
time. If "Slim and the Nun" didn't
kill her, why would "Big Mann on
Campus?"
MARK
Because this one was designed
especially for her. Look at these
pages.
They glance at the script pages.
AMANDA
Sorority call girls. Sure, it's
tasteless, but it's nothing they
haven't done on Melrose Place.
MARK
But that's not what was on film.
He picks up the remote and starts the tape.
37 ON THE TV 37
Cindy stands in front of the fiery pentagram, unbuttoning her
dress.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 36.
37 CONTINUED: 37
CINDY
It's not a cult, it's an
alternative lifestyle. Open your
black heart to Satan, TJ. We have.
She lets her dress drop.
38 BACK TO SCENE 38
As our people watch, intrigued. Mark flips off the TV.
MARK
Whoever killed Rachel knew that
what she saw had to be something
so dark, so damaging, it would be
stressful enough to cause an
angina attack.
STEVE
I can think of one way to find out.
And on their looks:
39 INT. POLICE PRECINCT - DAY 39
A very annoyed Karen Dinino blasts into the precinct, stopping
at the desk.
KAREN
Where's Lieutenant Sloan.
The desk sergeant is about to point him out, but Steve appears
at the other side of the swinging doors.
STEVE
Thank you for coming, Ms. Dinino.
She whirls around to face him, wielding a message slip like a
sword.
KAREN
It would be in my best interest to
come to the police station? What
the hell is that supposed to mean?
STEVE
I figured you wouldn't want to be
in your office when we
discussed... Satan.
Karen freezes.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 37.
39 CONTINUED: 39
KAREN
I have no idea what you're talking
about.
STEVE
Then it's my mistake, and I'm
terribly sorry to have
inconvenienced you.
(then)
I'll come to your office if I have
any more questions about... Satan.
She tightens, then marches past him into the station.
KAREN
If one word of this conversation
leaks out, my lawsuit will
bankrupt your department.
He leads her over to his desk.
STEVE
Your religious practices are your
own business, Ms. Dinino. My only
interest is Rachel Woodrell's
murder.
KAREN
Rachel was murdered? By whom?
STEVE
Someone who knows your college
sorority was full of devil
worshippers.
Karen quickly assesses the situation, calculates the damages,
chooses to cooperate.
KAREN
We weren't a cult. Sure, we
roasted the occasional goat in the
moonlight, but aside from the
Latin chants and naked dancing, it
was just like any other barbecue.
STEVE
A bunch of wholesome co-eds
looking for clean fun on a
Saturday night?
KAREN
We were 18 and away from home for
the first time, looking for a way
to rebel against our parents.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 38.
39 CONTINUED: (2) 39
STEVE
By worshipping the devil.
KAREN
No one took it seriously at the
time. Once we got into the real
world, we realized just how stupid
we had been - and how damaging it
would be if anyone ever found out.
STEVE
To a lawyer in a prestigious firm,
I can understand. But the
entertainment industry seems to be
a little more tolerant of
alternative lifestyles.
KAREN
Sure, do drugs, forge checks,
sleep with your sister, no one in
Hollywood cares. But light one
lousy black candle.
STEVE
(getting it)
And you confirm what TV's harshest
critics have been saying all along.
KAREN
Don't think Rachel and I didn't
joke about it in the privacy of
her office.
(then)
There are people in the fly-over
states who believe that shows like
"Married, But Available" and "His
and Hers and Hers" are deliberate
attempts to undermine the nation's
moral values.
STEVE
And if they found out that the
woman who was putting those shows
on the air worshipped the devil.
KAREN
Even the USA network wouldn't
touch her. She'd never work in TV
again.
40 EXT./INT. FRANKENCOP TV SHOW LOCATION - DAY 40
Steve stands impatiently as Jackson Burley tries to overcome
his hysterical laughter.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 39.
40 CONTINUED: 40
JACK
A Satanist!
STEVE
In her college sorority. Does that
mean anything to you?
JACK
Sure. Rachel Woodrell sold her
soul to the devil - and she still
couldn't pick a hit show.
He lapses back into laughter.
STEVE
I'm glad you find death so
amusing. Especially since your
pilot may have killed her.
JACK
Now that's writing.
STEVE
No, it's murder - if we find out
the script was deliberately
changed to trigger that heart
attack.
JACK
You can floor both pedals, but
that won't jam the rooster if he's
staring down a speculum.
STEVE
I'm going to assume that wasn't a
confession.
JACK
Only one thing I'm guilty of -
taking the worst notes I've ever
heard. You think the Satan angle
was my idea?
STEVE
The script had your name on it.
JACK
My script was a tone poem about
fragile innocence meeting the
brutal reality of the cold streets.
STEVE
So why did you change hookers to
Satan worship?
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 40.
40 CONTINUED: (2) 40
JACK
Because you don't ignore a note
from the head of the network and
expect her to pick up your show.
STEVE
Rachel Woodrell told you to add
the Satanists?
JACK
She didn't have the guts to tell
me.
Burley digs in the side pocket of his director's chair and
comes up with a folder of memos. He pulls one out and hands it
to Steve.
41 THE MEMO 41
is from Rachel Woodrell and the subject line is NEW ENDING FOR
BIG MANN.
42 BACK TO SCENE 42
Steve studies the memo.
STEVE
And you just happened to keep the
memo all this time.
JACK
You saw the pilot. Wouldn't you?
And on Steve considering that:
43 INT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY 43
Steve watches as Mark and Jesse study the memo.
MARK
It never bothered Burley that
Rachel sent a memo instead of
calling him directly?
JESSE
Rachel always faxed her notes. She
felt it eliminated a lot of
potential for confusion.
STEVE
Not to mention leaving her a paper
trail.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 41.
43 CONTINUED: 43
MARK
Unfortunately, this trail isn't
leading us anywhere. Because we
know Rachel wouldn't have sent
this fax.
STEVE
Not if she wanted to keep working
in the business.
MARK
And she did, more than she cared
about her health, or even her life.
Mark puts the memo aside and Jesse snatches it up.
STEVE
So we're right back where we
started.
Jesse puts the memo down, grinning.
JESSE
It's times like these that really
make you wish you had a man on the
inside. Oh, wait a minute, you do.
STEVE
And that's why we've closed this
case so quickly.
JESSE
Maybe we have.
(then)
This memo wasn't sent from
Rachel's fax.
And on their looks:
44 INT. PAIGE'S OFFICE - DAY 44
Paige sits behind her desk as CAMEO STAR #3, wearing a Space
Cops uniform, pitches to her.
CAMEO STAR #3
"Space Cops" looks like any sci-fi
action show because it has men in
space suits firing weapons. But in
reality, it's a mirror, reflecting
the social issues of our day as
seen through the prism of 29th
century law enforcement.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 42.
44 CONTINUED: 44
PAIGE
Thank you for making that clear at
last.
CAMEO STAR #3
So now you understand what an
important voice this show has in
the socio-political dialogue of
our country?
PAIGE
No, I understand why only six
people watch it.
Cameo Star #3 immediately adjusts his pitch.
CAMEO STAR #3
That's why I've come up with a way
to completely revamp the show.
Man's abandoned Earth, but still
can't lose his primal urges.
That's where I come in: Captain
Hudson, Galactic Vice.
PAIGE
You mean, space strip clubs, alien
hookers, the gritty side of the
cosmos.
(then)
I like it. Let me think on it.
Cameo Star #3 gets up, shakes her hand, and leaves, just Mark
and Steve march in.
PAIGE
Why do people think storming into
a network executive's office will
get their show get picked up?
MARK
You'd think they could figure out
they were alienating the one
person who can...
(realizing:)
You mean us, don't you?
PAIGE
Unless Dr. Danger is here to give
me a power-packed pap smear.
STEVE
Actually, Detective Danger has
some questions.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 43.
44 CONTINUED: (2) 44
PAIGE
About Rachel Woodrell spending her
leisure time bowing down before
Beelzebub?
MARK
You knew all along?
PAIGE
When I worked for her, I thought
she was the devil. I just found
out the truth when reporters
started calling about three hours
ago.
STEVE
Fifteen minutes after I told
Jackson Burley.
PAIGE
This is a small town, Detective.
Nothing stays secret for long.
Mark shares a look with Steve, then wanders across the room.
Steve bores into Paige.
STEVE
Especially if it's faxed in the
form of script notes.
She doesn't get it. He hands her the faxed pages.
STEVE
That is your fax number, isn't it?
The show based on these notes
caused Rachel's fatal heart attack.
Rachel tries to stare Steve down. It doesn't work. Across the
room, Mark is studying the items on Paige's shelves. Finally:
PAIGE
If I'd known Rachel was a
Satanist, I wouldn't have had to
kill her to get this job. I
could've called Entertainment
Tonight.
STEVE
Unless you really hated her.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 44.
44 CONTINUED: (3) 44
PAIGE
Especially if I really hated her.
(then)
You can give me that steely cop
stare all you want, but it's not
going to change the fact that I
didn't know. Rachel barely trusted
me with the ratings, let alone her
deepest secret.
MARK
She didn't have to.
Steve and Paige turn to see Mark standing by a lamp. He lifts
off the shade and reveals a tiny MICROPHONE.
MARK
This room is bugged.
PAIGE
You mean, everything I've said
since I took this job has been
recorded?
(then)
I've got to make a couple hundred
phone calls, right away.
And as she dives for the phone:
45 INT. NETWORK HALLWAY - DAY 45
Steve works to open the UTILITY BOX as Mark looks on.
MARK
What makes you so sure we'll find
a tape recorder up here?
STEVE
The bug was a short-range unit.
This is the most logical place for
the recorder. If I'm right, this
should answer a lot of questions.
He pulls the door off, and stares at
46 IN THE UTILITY BOX 46
Are twelve microcassette recorders.
47 BACK TO SCENE 47
Steve shakes his head in disbelief.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 45.
47 CONTINUED: 47
MARK
Or raise a lot more.
They share a look as a punchy TV MAGAZINE THEME starts to play
and we're
48 INT. TV MAGAZINE SHOW SET - DAY 48
As the host turns to face the camera.
HOST
The hottest story in primetime is
full of bizarre twists, mysterious
betrayals, and Satanic rituals.
But don't turn on your TV looking
for it - this isn't fiction. It's
what's happening behind-the-scenes
of network television.
HOST (CON'T)
Everyone in Hollywood is talking
about fifth-place network MBC,
which is reeling from the
revelation that net's late
president Rachel Woodrell was a
Satan-worshipper. and may have
been murdered.
As we go into out MONTAGE OF CAMEO STARS.
CAMEO STAR #4
All the times I met with Rachel,
she never once mentioned Satan.
But she did date Christian Slater
for a while.
CAMEO STAR #5
I'm appalled that someone with
such demented beliefs could rise
to such a high position at the
network.
(then)
I'm not surprised, just appalled.
DR. JOYCE BROTHERS
The urge towards Satanism is much
like any other anti-social
behavior, a rebellion against the
status quo. A way to say, "look at
me, I'm different."
PHIL ZARKIN
It explains how "The Anson
Williams Show" got on the air.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 46.
48 CONTINUED: 48
CAMEO STAR #6
A network president is a Satanist.
Someone murders her with a pilot.
Sounds like a great TV movie.
(then)
You know, people say I look just
like her.
ERNIE COOLEY
It all makes sense to me. Only
someone Godless could cancel
"Space Cops."
49 INT. MAIL ROOM - NIGHT 49
Jesse and the other MAILROOM ASSISTANTS are watching the
magaine show on a small portable TV as Harry comes in.
JESSE
How bad is it out there?
HARRY
Let's just say there are some
times I'm really glad I'm not in
the executive suites.
JESSE
That's one nice thing about this
job - no one ever blames the guy
in the mail room.
HARRY
You think so?
Harry gestures to a cart full of mail.
HARRY
That the 6:30 delivery?
(off Jesse's nod)
It's a quarter after seven now.
Wait another ten minutes before
you deliver it - and then see if
no one ever blames the guy in the
mail room.
Harry snaps off the TV. Jesse gets the message. He goes to the
cart and pushes it out the door.
50 INT. ANOTHER NETWORK CORRIDOR - NIGHT 50
As Jesse stops outside a closed office door and knocks.
JESSE
Mail.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 47.
50 CONTINUED: 50
There's no answer, so he goes in with a pile of mail and comes
back out empty handed and pushes the cart down to the next
door. He knocks on the door.
JESSE
Mail.
Again, there's no answer. He opens the door and goes in. Then
freezes as he sees:
51 INT. PAIGE'S OFFICE - NIGHT 51
Paige hangs from the rafters by a cord around her neck. Dead.
And on Jesse's shock, we FADE OUT.
END OF ACT THREE
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 48.
ACT FOUR
FADE IN:
52 EXT. NETWORK BUILDING - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT 52
53 INT. NETWORK - PAIGE'S OFFICE - NIGHT 53
It's a crime scene. Paige's body has been taken down and now
lies on the floor, where Amanda is examining it. Across the
room, Steve talks to Carlton Everest as Jesse stands by.
EVEREST
If I'd had any idea she was so
troubled, I never would have
offered her the job.
STEVE
Did Paige ever mention suicide?
EVEREST
She once said she'd rather die
than work with Tom Arnold again,
but aside from that I can't think
of anything.
STEVE
So you have no idea why she would
have killed herself?
Everest looks blank. Jesse steps in.
JESSE
Job stress.
(off Steve's look)
Programming a network may be the
most stressful job in the world.
Everest studies Jesse appreciatively. This IS a bright young
man.
STEVE
I can see how watching TV all day
would be tougher than police work
or emergency medicine.
Everest shares a bonding look with Jesse, then turns to Steve.
EVEREST
Just because the product is
entertainment doesn't mean the
stakes aren't high. Every decision
can mean millions of dollars.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 49.
53 CONTINUED: 53
JESSE
And since there are no objective
measures of quality in this
business, you never know if you've
still got the touch.
STEVE
Did Paige?
EVEREST
We'll never know.
JESSE
But personally, I'm not so sure.
As Steve and Everest watch, Jesse goes over to the schedule
board and switches a couple of strips.
JESSE
I mean, if you're going to pick up
"Sexual Surrogate," isn't it
better to put it up against
"Touched By an Angel" and give the
audience a clear choice?
Everest nods, suddenly intrigued. Jesse yanks off a few more
strips, then, on a roll, moves around Paige's desk, sits in
her chair, and puts his feet up.
JESSE
Her Saturday night shows were
hopelessly incompatible, and she
didn't have a clue what to do
against the other networks'
sitcoms.
EVEREST
And what would you have done in
her place?
STEVE
Maybe we could rearrange the
schedule after we determine why
Paige Jennings killed herself.
AMANDA
She didn't.
They all turn to see a grim-visaged Amanda coming up to them.
AMANDA
Not unless she could tie a
computer cable around her neck and
jump off the desk after knocking
herself out with a blunt object.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 50.
53 CONTINUED: (2) 53
EVEREST
But that means.
STEVE
That she was murdered.
That's when Jess speaks up from across the desk.
JESSE
And this may be why.
He gestures into the drawer, which is full of MICROCASSETTES.
And on their looks, we DISSOLVE TO:
54 INT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY 54
Steve drags himself up the stairs, still yawning, and is
surprised to find Mark in the living room, still in his
bathrobe, HEADPHONES ON, listening to the TAPES.
STEVE
How long have you been listening
to those tapes?
MARK
All night. To be honest, I
couldn't stop... it's compelling
stuff. There's drama, intrigue,
and sex.
STEVE
Sex?
MARK
Lots of it, mostly in Paige's
office, mostly with Jackson Burley.
STEVE
Why would she bug her own office?
MARK
Why did Nixon?
STEVE
I bet his tapes weren't nearly as
entertaining.
MARK
But as full of conspiracies, cover-
ups and secrets. Paige had the
dirt on every executive in the
building.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 51.
54 CONTINUED: 54
STEVE
Now we know how she rose from the
mailroom so fast.
MARK
Unfortunately, it doesn't help us
narrow down the suspects - in
fact, there are easily a dozen
people with motives to kill her...
and I haven't even finished
listening to all the tapes yet.
And on their shared frustration, we CUT TO:
55 INT. BURLEY'S OFFICE - DAY 55
Jackson Burley and his writers are cracking a story for
"Frankencop" as Steve enters. The story beats are scribbled
all over a dry-erase board. Jack is addressing his staff.
JACK
Lt. Frankencop comes to arrest the
psycho-killer - and discovers that
this guy's brother's spleen is
smoldering in his gut. The arc
becomes: how does a cop deal with
having a homicidal maniac's
brother's internal organs?
STEVE
I can't tell you how many times
that's happened to me.
JACK
We don't need another story
consultant.
STEVE
You may need a legal one. You were
sleeping with Paige Jennings.
All the writers turn to look at Jack. He shrugs.
JACK
Who wouldn't? She was gorgeous and
she could greenlight projects for
development.
STEVE
And when Paige moved into Rachel's
place, she had the power to pick
up your show and save your
studio - but she didn't.
Jack looks uncomfortably at his writers.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 52.
55 CONTINUED: 55
JACK
Keep cracking. I'll be right back.
Jack pulls Steve outside into:
56 INT. BURLEY'S OFFICE - CORRIDOR 56
Jack speaks low to Steve.
JACK
Look, don't upset the natives. If
they think the trees are out of
coconuts, they'll move to a
different village.
STEVE
Losing your studio is a powerful
motive for murder.
JACK
Don't talk to me about motives.
I've written more cop shows than
anybody. Fact is, I couldn't have
hung Paige - I've got carpal
tunnel syndrome.
He holds up his hands.
JACK
Every word I type has a price in
pain. Check my medical records.
And on Steve digesting this, we CUT TO:
57 INT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY 57
Mark is still listening to tapes as Steve comes in.
MARK
What do you think of Dr. Doolittle
as a private eye who drafts
animals as his operatives?
STEVE
It's horrible.
MARK
Rachel Woodrell ordered 13
episodes if they could get Chad
Everett.
STEVE
Maybe she was killed by Viewers
for Quality Television.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 53.
57 CONTINUED: 57
Mark turns off the recorder.
MARK
That was the last tape. I've heard
them all.
STEVE
And?
MARK
There's one tape missing.
STEVE
How do you know?
MARK
Karen Dinino told you she talked
to Rachel in her office about
their "satanic" past... but that
tape isn't here.
STEVE
Why would Paige have kept the
tapes on everyone - including her
own love-making with Jackson
Burley - and not the one that
matters most?
MARK
Something else bothers me. As
Paige said, if she knew about
Rachel's secret, she'd leak it to
the press, why go to the trouble
of scaring her to death?
STEVE
Paige always used what she knew
against people - that's how she
rose so fast at MBC.
MARK
Which brings me back to the
missing tape.
(then)
What if she never had it?
STEVE
I don't follow you.
MARK
What if she wasn't the one who
bugged the offices... what if
someone else gave her the tapes?
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 54.
57 CONTINUED: (2) 57
STEVE
Someone with his or her own agenda
for wanting Rachel dead and Paige
in her place.
MARK
And then Paige reneged on the deal
somehow.
STEVE
But who? We're no closer to the
killer than we were before.
MARK
I'm not so sure. What do these two
murders have in common?
STEVE
Two beautiful women who started at
the bottom and ended up running
the network.
MARK
(smiles)
And that's how we'll flush out the
killer.
And on Steve's confusion, we CUT TO:
58 INT. MAIL ROOM - DAY 58
Harry looks up as Jesse wheels in his empty cart.
JESSE
All done.
HARRY
See you tomorrow, then.
But Jesse doesn't go.
HARRY
What?
JESSE
I don't know, I hate to leave this
place.
HARRY
Is your home life that troubled,
son?
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 55.
58 CONTINUED: 58
JESSE
No, it's just that I'm learning so
much every day I'm here. Even a
minute away feels like wasted time.
Harry chuckles paternally.
HARRY
The network is a vast and complex
creature, Jesse. It takes years
just to realize how much you have
to learn. Mastering it is the work
of a lifetime.
That's when Carleton Everest comes in. Harry straightens up.
HARRY
Mr. Everest, is everything all
right?
EVEREST
I hope so. As you know, we need a
new vice president of development.
HARRY
And you've come to warn us to
expect a flood of resumes.
(to Jesse:)
Last time a job like this opened
up, two mailboys got hernias.
EVEREST
I'm not looking at resumes this
time, Harry. I need someone who
has his finger on the pulse of the
youth culture, and yet has an
instinctive understanding of the
medium.
HARRY
I'll do anything I can to help,
sir.
EVEREST
Good, because I really feel bad
about taking such a bright
assistant away from you.
(to Jesse)
How would you like to be the new
vice president of development?
And on Jesse's shocked surprise, DISSOLVE TO:
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 56.
59 INT. NETWORK - JESSE'S OFFICE - DAY 59
Jesse is in Paige's old office, the one she had before she
replaced Rachel. He's on the phone as Amanda peeks her head
in. Jesse waves her inside as he continues talking.
JESSE
"Mansect?" What's that?
(then)
I don't think being half-man, half-
moth gives him that many special
powers.
Amanda sits down.
JESSE
Even if he is Greg Evigan.
(then)
Lunch at Le Guerre, you got it.
(hangs up)
So, Amanda. How's the medical game?
AMANDA
We can talk while we eat. I'm
starving.
JESSE
Sorry, can't make it. No time.
Didn't my girl call your girl?
AMANDA
I don't have a girl.
JESSE
You got to get one. They're great.
(then)
I've got Bochco at one, Spelling
at two, and Pauly Shore at three.
AMANDA
Aren't you forgetting someone?
JESSE
Oh yeah, Chad Everett at 2:30.
AMANDA
I'm talking about your father.
You're supposed to be with him
today.
JESSE
I can catch salmon any time, how
often do I get to spend my
vacation programming a network?
AMANDA
Like father, like son.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 57.
59 CONTINUED: 59
JESSE
My Dad never programmed a network.
AMANDA
But he always had a good excuse
for not seeing you. And I bet you
promised yourself you'd never be
the same way.
JESSE
This is different.
Amanda gets up and leaves.
JESSE
Amanda.
Jesse rises to follow, but Phil Zarkin bounds into the office,
intercepting him.
PHIL
Derek, my buddy.
JESSE
It's Jesse.
Phil continues, undeterred.
PHIL
Have I got a series for you: "Dr.
Danger." He listens to their
hearts with a stethoscope and
answers their cry for vengeance
with his .357.
JESSE
Needs work.
PHIL
What kind of work?
JESSE
I see Dr. Danger as a young
resident -- witty, cunning,
irresistible to women.
PHIL
What about the doctor and his son
the cop?
JESSE
What about them?
That's when Harry comes in, pushing his mail cart.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 58.
59 CONTINUED: (2) 59
JESSE
Just stick the scripts on the
floor and the mail in the basket.
HARRY
I'd like to talk with you.
JESSE
Love to, Harry, but I'm in middle
of a pitch. I have a five minute
window at four.
HARRY
That's it.
Harry reaches into the cart, pulls out a SAWED OFF SHOTGUN,
COCKS IT, and AIMS IT AT JESSE. Phil hits the floor.
PHIL
What is it with mailmen?
HARRY
(to Jesse: )
You're just like the rest. You all
start in my mailroom. You all go
to the top. And did any of you
ever bring me with you?
JESSE
I've only been in the job three
hours. Give me a chance.
HARRY
I've been here 30 years, waiting
to be noticed, stuck in that
windowless pit. You've been here
two days - two days - and you get
vp stripes and a corner office.
MARK'S VOICE
That's what I thought.
Harry looks over his shoulder to see Mark, Steve and Carleton
Everest coming into the room behind him. Steve has his gun
drawn.
MARK
You taught Rachel everything you
knew - thinking she would take you
out of the mailroom. When she
didn't, you pinned your hopes on
Paige.
HARRY
I did everything I could for her.
(CONTINUED)
"Must Kill TV" Blue 9/8/97 59.
59 CONTINUED: (3) 59
STEVE
You bugged all the offices and
gave her the dirt she needed to
get ahead. You even removed Rachel
for her - by faking the faxes to
Jackson Burley so he'd dramatize
her secret.
HARRY
So his promotion - it was just a
trick.
MARK
I'm afraid so. I knew promoting
someone with no experience and no
talent would break you.
JESSE
Thanks a lot.
STEVE
Put down the gun, Harry.
Harry wavers for a moment, then drops the shotgun in the mail
cart. Steve rushes forward and cuffs him.
HARRY
I hate television.
Steve takes Harry away. Phil gets to his feet.
PHIL
How did you know it was him?
MARK
Whoever bugged the executive
suite, and intercepted Rachel's
faxes, had to have free access to
all the offices. The only one who
did was Harry... and working with
him in the mailroom was the only
thing Rachel and Paige had in
common.
EVEREST
Br