Jaclyn looks up from a copy of a romance novel.CLAIRE Jaclyn, could you let me know when Trevor gets here? Thanks.
AN ODD SERIES OF KNOCKS is heard, presaging... TREVOR'S ENTRANCE. Claire checks her watch.JACLYN Can't wait to hear the results of your experiment, huh, Dr. Allen?
CLAIRE It is not an experiment. Not as far as Trevor knows anyway.
(pretty proud of herself)
I simply suggested he spend a week living like a "mere mortal" -- live an ordinary life: no "mission," no matchmaking.
JACLYN See how the other half lives?
CLAIRE I told him it'd make good research. Meanwhile I've got him acting like a person for a week... Therapist rule of thumb: get the behavior right, the attitudes will follow.
JACLYN Meaning a guy who thinks he's Cupid but acts like a regular guy is --
CLAIRE Just a regular guy with a dumb nickname.
(off her disappointment)
I'm writing a book about Trevor's recovery, Jaclyn. He actually has to recover for me to get past the introduction.
Even through her attitude we can tell, Claire's waiting for news of progress like they were overnight ratings. But Trevor just looks at her, circles around, holding everything in.CLAIRE (cont'd) Trevor. Just in time to be ten minutes late... And?
In her head, Claire hears the teensy popping sound of her bubble bursting. She looks to Jaclyn, then back to Trevor.TREVOR ... Normal...
(then, a whirlwind)
Average. Plain. Run of the mill. Vanilla. No sprinkles... I worked forty hours, I Stair-Mastered, I watched the Thursday night line-up, I went to the supermarket, forgot the yogurt, went back -- I listened to Hootie...
CLAIRE And?
(anxious)
TREVOR How do you people live like that?
(beat; then, a whirlwind)
CLAIRE You mean living a normal life.
TREVOR I mean living without meaning! Living bland, canned, non-essential lives! Life without a purpose -- it's like... a car without gas, a balloon without helium, a bra without balloons, cable without nudity, a point without one last metaphor!
CLAIRE So, you find it hard to exist without a divine mandate?
(the therapist)
TREVOR How can anyone be expected to get up in the morning without a raison d'être? A higher calling! A personal quest --
CLAIRE I get it --
TREVOR A grand design, a lofty aspiration!
(still going)
CLAIRE A thesaurus. Alright, alright.
TREVOR Truth is, I should thank you.
CLAIRE Really. Go for it.
TREVOR Yeah, your experiment gave me a whole new appreciation for my punishment. Now if the other gods chucked me down here without making me match a hundred couples -- just a couple months of purposeless purgatory... Yeesh -- then what?
Frustrated, Claire heads for her office.CLAIRE Then you might never have gotten arrested even once.
TREVOR He-heh. Don't be so sure.
She enters, expecting him to follow. He doesn't.CLAIRE I want to hear more about this...
Eyebrows arched, Jaclyn sips languidly from her bottle of Evian. ("Is that so...") Missing it, Trevor enters...JACLYN I think she wants you to go in with her.
TREVOR I don't say yes to every girl that invites me on her couch.
(coy)
JACLYN Choosy, are you? Only go for goddesses?
TREVOR I have been known to get sidetracked by the occasional water nymph.
Trevor picks up a her name plate, gestures with it.CLAIRE Some of us do find meaning in smaller, more reality-based ideals, Trevor. Work, family, religion, education...
TREVOR All's I can say is, thank god I'm a god. To be mortal in this day and age?
(he'd rather eat sand)
CLAIRE Things are different now than they, "used to be?"
Claire snaps away Trevor's "pointer. "TREVOR Sure. Back in ancient Greece, people's lives had purpose. You farmed all day so you could eat. Now you have these meaningless, unexplainable jobs -- consultant, assistant manager, freelancer -- what the hell is a Comptroller anyway?
Trevor's a preacher on his pulpit. Claire thinks he has a point, but holds her peace.CLAIRE Lifespans have increased. For the first time in human history there's more to life than simply not dying. People are just trying to get the most out of life.
TREVOR The most of the least important. You guys finally figure out how to live longer and how do you use the time? You eat low-fat foods, you watch more TV, you work harder on stupider jobs, you read Grisham.
(standing)
Riding the moment, Trevor storms out, SLAMMING the door behind him. Claire shudders. After a moment, Trevor opens the door again, pokes only his head in.TREVOR (cont'd) The ancients spent their lives in fear of losing what little they had. Your generation lives in fear of standing out!
(to her window)
Fear the norm, people! Surpass!
He looks for validation of his brilliance, doesn't get it.TREVOR (cont'd) Like that? Inspirational, huh? Bet if Morgan Freeman said all that in a movie, half the crowd'd get up and start painting or writing novels or something.
Again, SLAM! Claire waits for it to open one more time.CLAIRE Kind of spoils the effect when you grandstand.
TREVOR Oh. Hmm. Can I do it again?
(ponders; then)
(before she can say no; fiery)
"Fear the norm, people! Surpass!"
Claire readjusts, thinks. She swivels to face her computer. After a moment she types. As she does, we see the unfold words form on her screen: "The Search for Cupid: Chapter Six." And beneath it: "'Old Gods, New World'."JACLYN (O.S.) He left for real this time.
(calling)
FADE OUT:
INT. TREVOR'S ROOM - DAYCLAIRE (V.O.) Most delusions, I believe, follow a principle of escapism. Trevor Hale's delusions of being the god Cupid follow that principle utterly. The question I have wrestled with for these months is:
Trevor sips, grimaces. As if answering Claire's question:CLAIRE (V.O.) What, exactly, is Trevor so desperately trying to escape? His life? His time? His own mortality?
Displeased, Trevor throws on a throw, and heads for the...TREVOR ... Bad coffee.
(sips again; RE: beads)
Bad progress.
Trevor smirks. He loves this.TREVOR Champ, coffee?
CHAMP (O.S.) In a minute.
Champ descends. The man needs a shower. Long night.TREVOR Lorna?
LORNA (O.S.) ... Um, no thanks.
The look on Champ's face says it all: he's not too happy, or sure, about this arrangement either. WE HEAR LORNA approach.CHAMP Not a word.
TREVOR From me? Never.
CHAMP Always.
TREVOR Just because you're sleeping with the casting director who got you your first national commercial you expect I'll have some wise ass crack to make?
(then)
Fair guess. So does the scotch-guard on her casting couch chafe your butt? When she sends you to auditions does she call up and say, "Best client I ever had -- always willing to go the extra mile."
Gathering her things, she leaves. The door shuts behind her.CHAMP Fine, you got it all out. Now please try not to embarrass me.
(remembers who he's talking to)
... Much.
(remembers who he's talking to)
... More than you have to.
TREVOR No problem.
(to Lorna)
Morning sunshine.
LORNA Morning. Sorry, no time for coffee, I'm already late -- "Sunset and Vaughn" is whining for more gritty, yet attractive late-twenties males. They've used up all the Chicago cheesecake, I might have to fly in from New York.
(naturally caffeinated)
(kisses Champ)
Ta!
INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY (FLASHBACK)CHAMP Not a word.
TREVOR Not a one. Besides I've got more problems than having a boy-toy for a roommate.
CHAMP Watch it.
TREVOR I have been! And look, it's pathetic. I hooked up three couples last month alone and see? Not one of them took.
(re: the beads)
(to the heavens)
You so owe me! Three! Okay at least two. Fine, one. Harry and Julia? You can't deny me that one!
CHAMP Which one?
Among the video toads, Trevor spots HARRY -- early 30s, charming Texas stock, the kind who can pull off a bolo tie (although he now wears a T.C.U. sweatshirt). Trevor points to the "English Patient Wall."CLAIRE (V.O.) In his efforts to escape reality, Trevor has devised some rather elegant methods for coupling. For example, the technique he calls "video pairing."
Trevor hands him a tape. Harry takes it, walks on, when a woman walks past Trevor: JULIA (late 20s, attractive, with well-done but big hair). WE NOTICE Harry noticing her. He stops, not too far off, pretending to look at video titles.TREVOR See it yet?
HARRY Never thought it'd be my kind of flick.
TREVOR What's not to like? Boy meets girl, boy helps girl cheat on husband, girl croaks in a cave, boy ends up looking like a potato knish.
HARRY Breaks your heart.
TREVOR Last copy. You'll love it.
Now that you mention it, it is. She aims for a copy, only...TREVOR See it yet?
JULIA See? As much as I could through all the cryin'. That movie was like a shot of lemon juice, right in the eyes.
TREVOR Think it's time for another shot?
Trevor laughs politely as Julia heads for "Foreign." Harry also moves to leave, but Trevor taps him on the shoulder.JULIA Oh, none left. Too bad... Maybe they rent lemons.
Harry looks at Julia, alone by the Fellinis.TREVOR Hey buddy. Hear that? The gal you been staring at since she walked in -- she's lookin' for what you gots.
(sotto)
HARRY Yeah, so?
(oh, the tape)
TREVOR Don't you watch "Profiler"? Slightly younger, carefully coiffured Southern hair, no ring, no boyfriend trying to convince her to rent "Die Hard," no hopes but to sit home and watch a long, romantic movie solo.
HARRY Aw hell, why don't I just mosey on up'n ask her if I should come on over and watch this at her place.
(kidding)
TREVOR Bingo!
HARRY Are you -- people come here, they don't wanna be bothered.
(horrified)
TREVOR You think people come here for movies? Are you kidding? This is where all the other single people are! And everyone comes here hoping to high heaven that someone'll do the unthinkable, introduce themselves, and make it so they never ever have to come here again.
Harry takes a moment to study Trevor's face. And for that moment we see him as a total stranger might: an imp promising, if not fun, adventure.HARRY You really think it'd work? Intruding like that?
TREVOR Saw a lady in half, they call you a cheap magician -- saw a baby in half, they call you a biblical legend... It's all about context.
(Harry doesn't get it)
Just give it a shot.
CLAIRE (V.O.) It's amazing. It isn't that strangers don't doubt Trevor...
Harry turns towards Julia. And takes a step forward towards her. After a moment a proud Trevor steps aside -- REVEALING A STACK OF "ENGLISH PATIENT" TAPES, about waist high, carefully hidden behind him... Pretty sneaky, Sis.CLAIRE (V.O.) They just listen to him anyway.
Trying to help Champ simply reaches up and, to Trevor's utter horror, slides three beads over to the good side.TREVOR Beautiful! She comes in, the sultry, aging debutante. And who spots her but Walker, Texas Lawyer. They take the bait and hoochie-laka-boom! Didn't even watch the movie, stayed up all night "talking."
CHAMP Good for you.
TREVOR Not good for me -- it doesn't get good for me unless a bead moves.
CHAMP Is that all it takes?
There is a foreboding moment as we ponder exactly what shade of purple Trevor has just turned. Oh man, is it fit-time... Trevor dashes over and rights the egregious wrong.CHAMP (cont'd) There. Three up, three down. You're that much closer to getting out of my life.
Trevor shuffles to his room mysteriously, giving a troubling Jay Sherman "Achem" sound. Then threatens with worse...TREVOR Wha -- I -- Did you just? No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!
CHAMP Okay someone needs a time out.
TREVOR Those are sacred, heathen! My one souvenir from Olympus, my only way of knowing how close I am to getting home.
TREVOR (cont'd) No one touches these unless they're god of something better than agent boffing!
CHAMP Fine. Geez...
TREVOR Sacred...
(explaining; re: beads)
(re: Champ)
Profane. Get it? Thou shalt not touch! I mean it! If I ever catch you touching those again, I'll --
CHAMP You'll what?
TREVOR Let's just say I might do something really gross to your toothbrush. But then again, I might not.
(considers; calms down)
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAYTREVOR (cont'd) "Gee, there's this itch on my butt I can just never reach. If only I had a short stick with firm but yielding bristles. "
CLOSE - TREVORCLAIRE (V.O.) Insisting he is from simpler, more trusting times, Trevor also insists on pressing his services upon complete strangers, charming them into doing his -- though ultimately their own -- bidding.
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAY (JUMP CUT)TREVOR Howdy... Don't mean to bother you here. Not too much anyway.
(no laugh)
Okay, thing is, I can help you --
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAY (JUMP CUT)TREVOR See, you look down, a little lonely. Truth is you look like a borrowed piece of gum.
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAY (JUMP CUT)TREVOR I can tell, I'm kinda plugged into the collective unconscious on these things --
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAY (JUMP CUT)TREVOR No-no-no, don't sweat it -- I'm not hitting on you.
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAY (JUMP CUT)TREVOR Promise. Sit back down... It's just I've got the skinny on a great guy --
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAY (JUMP CUT)TREVOR Girl for you. Just perfect --
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAY (JUMP CUT)TREVOR He's a doctor --
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAY (JUMP CUT)TREVOR A bucket o' lust --
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAY (JUMP CUT)TREVOR A saint --
INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAYTREVOR A real ladies man --
(thinks)
Or is it man's man? Which is the one that means he's sweet on girls? Anyway, his name is --
Trevor refers to the pad. WE SEE a long line drawn from the name "RICK" to the name "HILLARY," which Trevor circles.TREVOR Rick. He's a technical writer for a software firm, earthy, loves kids, avid jogger...
He hands her a photo, of a great looking guy, holding out an arm -- "Don't take my picture!" But Hillary's a skeptic.TREVOR (cont'd) Lives in my building -- and we've got a highly selective co-op board. Here's a snapshot.
Trevor offers a grand view of his teeth and gums.HILLARY Listen, he sounds great.
(check the photo)
He looks great -- but you can't blame me for being skeptical and all. I mean, who are you?
TREVOR Me? I'm the gift-horse. Wanna look?
He points across the room where coos the happiest, most into each other, perversely PDA-ing couple you ever did see: TINA and ALLAN (from the Valentine's/Cupid's Day Dance).TREVOR (cont'd) Hillary, relax. This is like a hobby of mine. And I'm damn good at it -- proof's in the tapioca. Check it out. See that?
Trevor refers to the wall of sketches, still up. A sign reading "WANTED" stands above it. Tina's sketch of Allan has "FOUND" stamped on it, loud and proud.TREVOR (cont'd) That is Tina. Went to a single's group for months until I came along, had her whip up a sketch of her fantasy man, then hung it proud 'til we found him for her...
INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S HALLWAY - DAYTREVOR (cont'd) So wudduya say? Will you be mine, won't you be mine, won't you meet my neighbor?
CLAIRE (V.O.) And, remarkably, time after time...
HILLARY Okay.
(thinks carefully before...)
CLAIRE (V.O.) People welcome him right on in.
Rick means it, he really digs Hillary. He rubs Colin's ears affectionately before opening the door to his apartment.TREVOR Okay Rick, you tried not to give me any details -- duly noted in the sensitive guy statistics. Now out with it.
RICK What do you want? Hillary's great.
TREVOR On a scale of fair to great, or great to magnificent?
RICK How's this: We've been on two dates, and I couldn't sleep after either of them --
(before Trevor can spin that)
And she never even came upstairs.
He offers an unthreatening gesture.TREVOR You really seem to love that... thing.
(off Colin)
RICK Oh yeah. Colin's my baby.
TREVOR Huh... He a slobber dog?
RICK What's wrong with a little doggy slobber?
(kisses him in that dog owner way)
TREVOR Not nearly as much as there is with what you're doing.
RICK You a cat person?
TREVOR Let's just say that on the scale of cat people versus dog people, I'm more of a goldfish kinda guy. More importantly, you and Hillary, so you haven't um...
Rick smiles, digging this idea. The two enter Rick's place.RICK ... Not yet. Thinkin' about it though.
TREVOR Well thinking won't stain any furniture.
(thinks; remembers a goodie)
How 'bout making her dinner?
RICK I think she'd be more impressed with food she can eat.
TREVOR You miss my point. Nota benne: a man invites a woman over for dinner, it's actually code for, "Listen, I'm going to try to hump you this evening." And if the woman agrees, that's code for, "Wonderful, yes I'd like that." Subtext -- neat stuff.
Claire's typing is interrupted by a PERSISTENT BANGING. She stands, annoyed, marches to her closet and the source of all noise: FRANK. He's hammering, delicately yes, but hammering.CLAIRE (V.O.) Ironically, though he claims to be from another, more sensible era, Trevor navigates the romantic byways of this one with... well, Cupid-like alacrity.
He starts hammering louder.CLAIRE I was wondering if you could do that a little louder.
FRANK Not getting the full effect yet?
(doesn't even look up)
He's kidding -- he charges by the square footage.FRANK (cont'd) Better?
CLAIRE You know, most carpenters would've been done by now.
FRANK Most carpenters don't charge by the hour.
The phone RINGS, interrupting Claire's quip, mid-formulation.CLAIRE If you weren't very good at your job...
FRANK If I wasn't very good at my job, I wouldn't be doing it.
Claire heads back to her desk, pushes the speaker button and turns back to her computer, expecting to multi-task.CLAIRE Try to keep it a smidge less bangy, okay?
FRANK Okay.
(a whisper)
Claire snaps to full attention. She picks up the receiver and squeaks, girly with glee.CLAIRE Hello.
JOSIE (O.S.) Claire, it's Josie. Have a sec?
CLAIRE Of course I have a sec. How many sisters do I have?
(while typing)
JOSIE (O.S.) Technically, two.
CLAIRE What's up?
JOSIE (O.S.) Just some news. Remember that project Scott and I have been working on?
CLAIRE The kitchen? Did the cabinets come in? If they didn't I know a great carpenter.
JOSIE (O.S.) The other project...
(no recollection from Claire)
Claire, I'm pregnant.
Claire hangs up and gives a smile so wide and proud you could drive a wide and proud truck through it. She dials on her speaker phone when Frank enters, cleaning his hands.CLAIRE Eeeek! You are? Jos, that's wonderful! Ohmigod, when... Uh-huh? You'll be huge for Dad's birthday... Oh, then call me back when you have more time. Love you.
Ah, sisterhood. Frank leaves. The phone RINGS on speaker. After three or so rings, an ANSWERING MACHINE picks up. Claire is CLEARLY disappointed.FRANK She's pregnant?
CLAIRE Yup.
FRANK Eek.
(deadpan)
INT. RICK'S APARTMENT - NIGHTALEX (FROM PHONE) Hi, this is Alex -- I'm not going to be near my phone 'til Thursday, so leave a message and hope for the best.
BEEP!
CLAIRE Hi Alex, it's me... Claire. I have some news. Call me when you can.
(her balloon popped)
The doggy-dog comes charging to the door and up to Hillary.HILLARY I like your place.
RICK It's not much. All my furniture is either early college or late relative. Just enough for the two of us.
HILLARY I didn't know you had a roommate.
RICK That's right, you haven't met Colin yet... C'mere boy.
Colin bops all over Hillary. But Hillary expresses not the complete adoration we'd expect, but total fear. Quickly transformed into a pre-sneeze grimace.RICK (cont'd) Colin, meet Hillary. We like her.
Rick is speechless. He wonders if this is funny, and even thinks it is for a moment (just as we do), until he recognizes the exact ramifications that --HILLARY AH-CHOO! I didn't know you had a--CHOO!!
Hillary grabs an inhaler from her purse, inhales. Oh yeah, this is bad. She sneezes rapidly, repeatedly through:RICK You're allergic?
HILLARY Beyond aller -- AH-CHOO!
(nodding; and how!)
She hightails it outta there. As Rick realizes he's just entered his worst romantic nightmare.HILLARY (cont'd) I can't get ne -- CHOO! I'm sorry, I've gotta -- CHOO! I'll call you.
FADE OUT:
Harry steels himself.CLAIRE (V.O.) Because he idealizes a pre-industrial age, there are certain problems that Trevor -- his considerable intelligence notwithstanding -- is simply not equipped to handle.
TREVOR C'mon, Harry. I've got an inside track -- if it was going well, I'd know. What's up with you two?
HARRY Nothing's wrong. Everything's... fine. Really. I promise.
TREVOR Oh, not too much protesting there. Sorry, I'm sensing a whole lotta doth.
HARRY Well, there is kind of a problem.
(stops; admits)
TREVOR Okay. Problems are my specialty.
HARRY I'm a little old fashioned about these things -- this isn't easy for me to talk about.
(four shades of purple)
TREVOR I'll be gentle. Just tell me.
She leans over, opens a drawer with a distinctive KUKLUNK, takes something out (O.S.) We only see Harry's expression.HARRY (V.O.) It started the first time we... uh --
TREVOR (V.O.) Wa-booed.
HARRY (V.O.) Yeah.
JULIA That was...
HARRY Yeah.
(then)
But you didn't... uh...
JULIA No. But don't worry. I'm fine.
HARRY Fine? Can't leave you fine. Tell me what you like -- I'll do anything.
(playful)
JULIA Well... You sure?
HARRY Positive.
Harry does, swallowing a lump the size of his pride.JULIA Oh, can you hand me the remote control -- I keep leaving the batteries in there.
Trevor thinks. That'd be a no. A big fat no.HARRY It's been the same every time.
TREVOR Every time?
HARRY She said that's the only way she ever...
(would rather die than discuss)
Oh god.
TREVOR Achieves...
(Harry nods yes, embarrassed)
And only with the...
(noting Harry's ruby blush)
Blender on frappé, got it...
HARRY The worst part is when that drawer opens, it makes this awful thunking sound. Every time I hear that "thunk" I feel like a little less of a man... To know I can't do what a little piece of plastic can...
TREVOR It's just a toy, Harry. Like a Furbie.
HARRY A real romantic one too. "Thanks, that was a wonderful, tender moment, mind if I plug this in now?"
(off Trevor's giggle)
It's not funny.
TREVOR Well, it's kinda funny... C'mon, there are worse problems, right?
HARRY Can you imagine what it's like to know that you're not able to pleasure the woman you care about most?
Off that...TREVOR Did she say anything? About why... the blender?
Seeing his unease, Julia wraps herself around him, a blanket of comfort. She turns his head to face her.JULIA I spent my first marriage liking sex -- not loving it, liking it... My husband loved it, I liked it. It made me feel close to him... Still, with him, with anyone, I never got to that... that place...
HARRY But if I can't take you there...
Julia pulls his mouth to hers; he concedes. As they kiss...JULIA Oh Harry, don't -- it's not your fault. It's just the way I'm built...
(trying very hard to lighten his mood)
Some women are analogue, I'm digital.
Harry walks off, dejected...HARRY Used to be I'd look at Julia and all I could think about was retiring on a ranch somewhere and living a long, lazy life with her. Now I look at her and all I can think about it that buzzing sound.
As Claire pokes at a salad lunch, pen in hand, writing those words, Trevor approaches, bringing her a refill. She sets aside her notes (keeping them out of his line of sight).CLAIRE (V.O.) While Trevor's problems usually focus on getting couples together, more and more often, his challenge has become keeping couples together despite a very resistant, very new world.
He knows she's justifying, but leaves it.TREVOR I'm tellin' you, there is no reason why that couple shouldn't happily-ever-after.
CLAIRE That's a verb now?
TREVOR Apparently. But no, modern technology has to go and make a piece of moulding capable of twenty-thousand RPMs more than the human pelvis. Man, people have gotten so off track.
CLAIRE Not off track. We just have different tracks now.
TREVOR This from a woman who's boyfriend lives a thousand miles away and thinks it's okay because they both have e-mail.
CLAIRE The sacrifices of a long distance relationship are simply part of the modern predicament. And I have to say, I don't mind having the space.
Claire tries to interrupt. But Trevor's on a roll.TREVOR Yeah, well I've got one guy who's going to have all the space in the world because of an appliance. And another because of a dog. A dog! Do you know what canines were to the Greeks?
CLAIRE Please don't.
(doesn't wanna think about it)
TREVOR Transportation and food.
CLAIRE That's actually better than what I thought you were going to say.
TREVOR If they weren't pulling carriages, they were walking meat freezers. Fresh steaks you didn't even have to lug around.
Trevor pauses, all huffed up. Claire knows he's not done.TREVOR (cont'd) But you modern day-and-agers go and treat 'em like family. You put off having kids, get a puppy and call that intimacy.
cut to:CLAIRE (V.O.) For all his insight, Trevor is hardest to reach when he's on a roll --
PULL BACK TO REVEAL WE ARE NOW IN...TREVOR Then one day you get a shot at a real relationship, you say, "Sorry, but I've already got Sparky here."
(finishing the latter thought)
He sneers back. But all quipping ends and all heads turn to the back of the room when enters... TINA... Returned from the land of the coupled. And looking like she's just been orphaned. Confused gazes follow her as she takes an empty seat. She's trying to keep it together.CLAIRE (V.O.) Although I must admit, he does force me to keep on my toes.
CLAIRE Pets aren't always substitutes for intimacy, Trevor --
(on her toes)
(he starts; she silences him with a finger)
They can be important learning tools, teaching key relationship tasks.
(and again; "fsst!")
Like responsibility, trust...
VERONICA Grooming. Most guys could use the lesson.
PRISCILLA Oh, and feeding. You need to learn how to pick the right restaurants.
NICK I could get you and me a reservation at a great place... Chez Nick... In'erested?
(trying to impress Veronica)
VERONICA Did anyone say "neutering" yet?
(not impressed by Nick)
She BURSTS into sobs. Her friends crowd around her.TREVOR Tina? What are you doing here? Sign says, singles group. You and Allan are supposed to be galloping off into sunsets and castles.
TINA I know. I know...
This sinks in. Trevor just went from concerned to confused.CLAIRE What happened?
TINA He dumped me...
(sob)
Things were going so good. For the first time in my life, I was really, really happy. I was sure this was-- you know... And then he cut me off, totally out of the blue.
CLAIRE Oh, I'm so sorry.
TREVOR But, what'd he say?
TINA That's the worst part... nothing. He just said, "I think we should stop seeing each other." And then he left.
She holds up her arms as if carrying two great big suitcases.PRISCILLA It's a blessing. A guy does that to you, he's not saying, "I think we should break up." He saying, "Honey, I've got issues."
NICK Baggage... Big time.
VERONICA It's like you're saying, "Hey let's take a trip to Paris," and he's saying, "Great! I've got these!"
The group (minus Trevor) agrees; Tina tries to.PRISCILLA You're lucky you got out now.
INT. TAGGERTY'S - NIGHTTINA I know. I just wish I knew why...
Most look around, confused. Nick tries...TINA And I was going to let him take me skiing.
She out and out bawls. Her friends feel for her. Meanwhile... Champ, dressed for a date, approaches Trevor at the other end of the bar. Trevor is wrestling with a jammed part.NICK Hey, it's okay, we'll take you skiing.
TINA It's not that. I've never been skiing before -- I was saving it for marriage.
VERONICA Skiing?
TINA I've done everything else you can do, with a guy, this was all I had left.
(shrugs)
He kicks it.CHAMP She okay?
TREVOR She's fine!
(off stuck keg)
Dammit! Too bleepin' complicated!
Giving up on the keg, Trevor pulls off his apron. He's heading out.CHAMP What's your problem?
TREVOR Eh, modernity. You going to Lorna's...? Time to make the donuts, huh.
("never mind")
CHAMP Time to make the donuts...
TREVOR If it ain't right, run far, run fast...
CHAMP That's the worst part. It might be right, I can't even tell. I mean, when she got me the Ford spot, I felt like I couldn't say no to her...
TREVOR Even if you wanted to.
CHAMP Like I owed her in exchange.
TREVOR Tit for that? Tell you what, I'll trade you troubles. You do some relationship troubleshooting for me, I'll handle the casting couch.
CHAMP Not a chance. But a word of advice: "If they ain't right, run far, run fast."
(half out the door)
TREVOR Never!
(calling after)
INT. SINGLE'S SESSION ROOM - DAYCLAIRE (V.O.) With Tina and Allan dissolved, Trevor was determined to salvage what he could, where he could. And using the only means at his disposal.
After a moment Harry nods, and takes the stacks provided. (MUSIC UP: "JOHN HENRY.")TREVOR I'm telling you, Harry, you combine sex therapy texts, tasteful porn, and an anatomy primer... and you can beat the blender.
(re: books and tapes)
HARRY Trevor, I don't know...
TREVOR Yes you do. The only way to defeat the modern world is to use its strongest weapon against itself: technology.
(taps the stacks)
Don't give up hope. We shall overcome -- know why?
HARRY Not exactly. No.
TREVOR Because this is the stuff of legends. Like a modern version of that story -- wussis name? The guy with the iron hammer?
HARRY John Henry.
TREVOR Him. His trusty ol' nine pound sledge against the Man's fancy new steam drill. Everyone said he couldn't do it. But he went ahead -- a lone man against the mechanized world. And he won!
HARRY Didn't he die doing it?
TREVOR Yeah but, what a way to go... Think about it: that could be you, wielding god's own hammer against the blender. Do it man -- rage against the machine!
EXT. APARTMENT VESTIBULE - DAYLYRICS John Henry had a li'l woman / Her name was Lucy Ann / John Henry took sick an' had to go to bed / Lucy Anne drove steel like a man / Lord, Lord, Lucy Ann drove steel like a man...
Her lists off the items as he hands them to her.LYRICS Cap'n says to John Henry / "Gonna bring me a steam drill 'round / Gonna take dat steam drill out on de job / Gonna whop dat steel on down..."
HILLARY What is it?
Trevor rummages through the bag.TREVOR Anti-everythings. One of each Psuedophedrine, loratadine, terfenadine --
(squints at a label)
sniffle-alazine hydrochloride... You allergic to all pets?
HILLARY Yes, but it's mostly dander.
He dumps the rest of the bag's contents into her arms. As he leaves.TREVOR Thought we'd focus on the Western medicine, but I threw in some homeopathic hoodoo for good measure -- the literature is a little sketchy, but some people swear by it.
HILLARY Okay. It's a little scary -- if I'd been born before someone invented the inhaler, I wouldn't've made it to age ten.
TREVOR Chamomile, eye bright, nettle, sepa, red onion, ground loofah, sabadilla seed...
(shakes his head)
Hillary gives a curious look; Trevor is as focused as John Henry must've been.TREVOR (cont'd) Start taking. We'll see you at four. And don't worry -- we'll beat this steam engine.
INT. CLAIRE'S APARTMENT - NIGHTLYRICS John Henry tol' his Cap'n / Lightin' was in his eye / "Cap'n bet yo' las' red cent on me / Fo' I'll beat it to de bottom or I'll die / Lord, Lord, I'll beat it to de bottom or I'll die..."
END MUSIC.
She sits back, stares at her screen, when a thought occurs to her. She tries the phone again. She dials. Someone picks up, surprising her.CLAIRE (V.O.) Unfortunately, when someone's hopes are so high, it's hard for them to tell when they're falling.
INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUSCLAIRE Alex? It's you.
We move into a SPLIT SCREEN.ALEX It's me.
CLAIRE I was starting to think all the phones in New York were out.
ALEX Just stopped in for a shower and change -- work's been nuts. What's up?
Claire hangs up. (BUT THE SPLIT SCREEN REMAINS AS WE LINGER ON THEIR REACTIONS.)CLAIRE My sister. She's pregnant.
(not so excited now)
ALEX Oh. That's swell. Great.
CLAIRE Yeah... Great.
ALEX What? Claire, what's wrong? Or did I just ask a dumb question.
CLAIRE You didn't even ask me which sister.
ALEX Okay, which sister?
(when he gets no response)
Was that another dumb question? Look, I'm sorry, Claire.
CLAIRE So am I. I'm sorry I have to hunt you down just to talk to you. You're supposed to be the first one I tell everything too, who I can get excited with -- whether it's over my sister being pregnant, or my work, or a new bar of soap.
ALEX Claire, I -- I'm sorry I've been busy.
CLAIRE Don't be sorry. Maybe that's the way it's got to be. Maybe I should get used to minimizing your role in my life... Good night Alex.
FADE OUT:
We look over to a sad-eyed Colin, coping in the corndoned off study. The doorbell RINGS.CLAIRE (V.O.) If Hercules cleaned the Augean Stables in the name of penitence, Trevor felt he should at least be able to disinfect an apartment in the name of love...
RICK This is my worst nightmare: I finally meet the perfect girl and she's allergic to my best friend.
TREVOR Maybe you should find friends with less fur.
(turns off the dust buster)
RICK You've never had a pet, have you?
TREVOR Did know one dog. Bit of a temperament.
(under his breath)
Understandable, he had three heads.
RICK I got Colin when I was in my lonely post-college social slump. He kept me company until I got my life together.
Trevor opens the door on Hillary, joins her in...TREVOR Thar she blows.
RICK Are you sure about...
TREVOR Fret not, I put Hillary on so many things with "ephizene" and "assotate" in it, she should be coated in gelatine and swallowed.
(eyebrows)
And if this works out, I suggest you try that one out.
Trevor takes a deep breath, then opens the door. They enter. She and Rick exchange looks, very hopeful. This is important to all of them.HILLARY I'm ready. A little drowsy, but ready. Is the field decontaminated?
TREVOR We've been kamikaze cleaning all morning. There is no dust, hair, air, allergen or sneezergen left in that place that I didn't personally rinse out in sudafed.
HILLARY I'm allergic to sudafed.
(off Trevor's look)
Kidding, kidding.
Hillary breathes. They wait. Things look good.RICK Well...
Everyone relaxes. Rick puts an arm around her. Trevor does a happy dance.HILLARY I think we're okay.
Hillary checks; they are. But she really wants this to work. Trevor snaps back from his reverie.TREVOR This is why you listen to momma when she tells you to clean your room!
RICK Your eyes, are they tearing?
(suddenly concerned)
Believing her, Rick is momentarily relieved. But alas, she can't hold it any longer. Trevor and Rick's face drop as her face contorts again, into that now-familiar pre-sneeze pose.HILLARY No. I'm fine. I think the sepa's kicking in.
TREVOR Sure you don't want a quick acupuncture?
HILLARY Really, I think we're okay.
(sucking it up)
INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN - DAYHILLARY (cont'd) AH --
Trevor sulkily picks food off a plate. Allan sees, hands Trevor the plate and a fork, fixes up a replacement. (Trevor continues to sample bits of food as the trays wizz by.)TREVOR Your therapist?! You broke up with your soulmate because your therapist said so!
ALLAN Order up, table six.
TREVOR You're passing up a lifetime as the man of Tina's dreams because some bull-shyster told you to!
ALLAN Overly simplified... yes.
TREVOR Allan, but -- you -- a shrink! A psycho-therapist! Some masters-level flake!
That said, Allan walks away, carrying a finished tray to the bussing station. Trevor calls across the din.ALLAN Dr. Klein's a psychiatrist, he has an MD.
TREVOR And he was such a promising young doctor that he turned to the only medical field with less scientific grounding than the Nielsen ratings.
ALLAN Order up, table nineteen.
(keeping his calm)
TREVOR Shrinks didn't even exist until ninety years ago. You know who people listened to before then? Their mothers! Call your mother, see what she says.
ALLAN I did, she said, "Listen to your analyst."
(getting upset)
I talked to Dr. Klein about this for a long time. A long time. And what he said made sense: I'm just not ready yet.
Trevor is about to counter, then realizes the sad futility.TREVOR You are nuts! Insane. Maybe I should recommend a good therapist.
ALLAN Very funny. I'm sorry.
(yelling back)
INT. CLAIRE'S OFFICE - DAYCLAIRE (V.O.) Of all the things Trevor does well, and there are many, he never has gotten the hang of losing.
Jaclyn enters, uncertain.JACLYN Dr. Allen?
Claire is less than impressed. She keeps reading her text.JACLYN (cont'd) You got a telegram.
CLAIRE Telegram? Who from?
JACLYN Alex DeMouy. Retro boyfriend -- cool.
(reading)
Jaclyn opens it, reads, way more excited than Claire.CLAIRE Read it.
JACLYN Don't you want to yourself?
CLAIRE Not particularly. You go ahead.
Jaclyn looks like she just finished watching "Love Story." And Claire, her smile could toast a bagel.JACLYN "Tired of talking to you on the phone. Stop. Am an insensitive schmuck. Stop. Feel awful and want to make the pain in my heart. Stop." Uh, I love him. "Taking eight PM flight to Chicago flying non --
CLAIRE "Stop."
(won over; attentive now)
JACLYN "Be in by ten. Stop. Leaving in morning so have night free. Stop. All my love Alex."
She closes her book.CLAIRE Stop.
She sits on the bed, not overly concerned.CHAMP Hang on a sec.
LORNA Something wrong?
CHAMP Nothing's wrong. Let's just take a sec. Slow down... Talk. We never do that.
He lies down beside her, languidly, playing it up.LORNA Okay. Let's talk. "Mrs. Robinson, do you like art?"
Champ lights up, sits up. He likes this one.CHAMP I'm serious.
LORNA Okay, fine...
(doesn't think hard about it)
Let's talk about your career. Where do you see your career going?
Their gazes linger, showing some genuine chemistry. Feeling it, Champ kisses her now. Lorna stops him, a wise-ass.CHAMP Now that I've made a few bucks doing commercials and cop shows, I'm really hoping to get back into theater. Real theater. The serious, risky kinda stuff I told myself was the reason I was doing...
LORNA Commercials and cops shows.
CHAMP Yeah. Like that company that's doing "Peer Gynt"-- cover to cover. Same way --
LORNA Same way the Royal Shakespeare Company did. I love Ibsen. You should totally go for that.
CHAMP You think?
LORNA Absolutely...
(a purr)
As his answer, Champ CLICKS OFF THE LIGHT (beside the bed), leaving them in complete darkness.LORNA (cont'd) Wait, I thought we were talking. We never talk.
Suddenly A LIGHT CLICKS ON. Harry and Julia are sitting up in bed, blanket up to their chests. They're both out of breath, having just finished a good bout of thrashing. Harry looks like he's about to get his overnight ratings.LYRICS John Henry was hammerin' on de mountain / An' his hammer was strikin' fire / He drove so hard till he broke his po' heart/ An' he lied down his hammer an' he died/ Lord, Lord, he lied down his hammer and he died...
He modestly gestures something.JULIA Wow. That was all very... new.
(warm; enthused)
HARRY You liked it?
JULIA Oh yeah.
HARRY Um. You didn't seem too...
JULIA Well, no. Not really.
(diplomatic)
HARRY Not even when I...
A long moment passes before a resigned Harry reaches over, picks up the remote control. He clicks it at the TV, but nothing happens.JULIA ... No...
HARRY (frustrated) Analogue...
JULIA Not that I didn't like it. It was great! Wow.
HARRY But not enough.
Julia reaches over to her bedside table. We hear the drawer KURTHUNK. Harry winces. And the MUSIC STOPS abruptly.JULIA Oh, sorry. Let me get the batteries out.
Claire has other things on her mind than tact.CLAIRE Um, I have company coming in an hour.
That she did not expect. In a million, billion years. It changes everything in her.FRANK I know.
CLAIRE Will you... still be here?
FRANK Not likely.
(then, before she turns away)
You look perfect.
CLAIRE Excuse me?
(stopping)
FRANK In case you were wondering. You look perfect.
He slides his hand along the fine panel he was finishing.CLAIRE Wu -- thank you... You don't think I should go with the red one?
FRANK Can't wear colors when it's gray outside.
CLAIRE Is it... I mean, gray outside?
(hadn't noticed)
Claire thinks of a million, billion stupid things to say, comes up with:FRANK Can't fight the weather. And you can't improve upon perfection.
Again, Claire doesn't have anything to say, though she wishes she did. Mercifully, the phone RINGS.CLAIRE Thank you.
FRANK What's for dinner?
CLAIRE Seared ahi, soy ginger glaze. And... something else... with lemongrass.
FRANK Pan Asian.
(turns to her, finally)
Lucky man.
Claire scampers to the other room, and to the phone.CLAIRE I have to get that. The phone. It's ringing. Like last time.
FRANK I understand.
But Claire looks to her dining room. Very romantic set up. Candles, crystal, fresh bread. Sorry bud, she went way out of her way. Brazil.CLAIRE Hi, Alex?
(checks the time)
Where are you...? A storm delay?
(her face drops)
You can still get here by midnight... Well, six hours of travel for five hours together... I guess...
(she knows where this is going)
No, maybe you shouldn't bother then.
(man, is that upper lip stiff)
I understand. Come when you can spend more time. Maybe next -- oh no, I'm okay. I just made dinner is all... No, I didn't go out of my way...
They hang up. Claire pauses as the bravado melts like so many popsicles in August. She wells up. Until, of all times, Frank chooses now to "Eh-hem" himself known. She turns.CLAIRE (cont'd) Not at all. We'll talk tomorrow... Bye.
He turns to go. In a flash, Claire makes a decision; though, if you asked her, I doubt she could explain why she calls:FRANK Sorry to bother you. But I'm done for tonight. You have yourself a nice evening, Claire.
INT. champ & TREVOR'S HALLWAY - NIGHTCLAIRE Frank?
FRANK Yes.
(stops)
CLAIRE You're not a vegetarian, are you?
Trevor makes the same modest gesture Harry made to Julia.TREVOR Even after all the --
He holds his finger two inches apart. Harry turns, as Trevor wrestles with himself to keep from making the dick joke.HARRY Yup. Made me feel about this big.
They drink.HARRY (cont'd) I tol' her I felt like I was in a competition. She was in the middle of tellin' me 'sno big deal when I took off... Can't say it was my finest hour.
TREVOR Can't force what the gods don't wanna see, Harry. Time to move on.
HARRY You can getcher fancy stuff, but for a good sulk, you can't beat the supermarket specials. He burps. Trevor grunts.
(he knows it; re: his beer)
TREVOR I like this. Now I know what I missed not going to college. 'Sides, that whole fraternity thing -- they borrow our alphabet and suddenly they're Greek?
RICK Bastards.
He turns over to nap. Harry cracks open two more, hands one over to Trevor. Trevor takes a long sip before...HARRY I misser man.
TREVOR I know ya do.
RICK Me too -- BURP -- diff'ernt her tho'.
Snore.TREVOR Harry?
HARRY Yeah-up.
TREVOR You ever gotten in trouble for somethin' and you were sure you didn't do it?
RICK M'dad says I can't hol' my beer.
Man, would Claire love to hear this.TREVOR But then you find out maybe you did deserve it -- maybe just a little bit.
HARRY S'pose.
TREVOR I got in trouble with... my family. They thought I was blowin' off my responsibilities, threw me out, said I had to learn my lesson. I thought they were nuts. But I been looking lately, at what I was supposed to be taking care of... And it's a mess. A god awful mess.
Trevor thinks; he knows exactly what, or who, that means.TREVOR (cont'd) Nothin's the way it should be... And I'm thinkin' maybe I did screw things up.
(drinks)
Just a little bit.
HARRY First step man. Admitting you have a problem -- tha'sa big first step.
TREVOR Wussa second?
HARRY Get some help.
(swigs)
A pause. Neither of them are sure they should be as comfortable here as they feel.CLAIRE Your family was rather biblical: the eldest brother inherits the family trade.
FRANK But Uncle Aldo knew my brother didn't have hands for it. Fred has the soul of a woodsman, but the hands of a tax lawyer.
(nods)
CLAIRE That put you in the shop.
FRANK Right where I wanted to be.
And even Frank feels a slight embarrassment for a moment. He looks to his glass, focuses.FRANK (cont'd) Thank you for having me join you.
CLAIRE Well, ahi doesn't quite keep...
(and then)
That was a very sweet gift. Before. That you left. Thank you.
FRANK My pleasure.
He sips, appreciating every nuance of flavor.FRANK It's a nice wine you picked -- I prefer the Chileans. When I was sixteen, Freddy was already in college, my Uncle took me to Chile with him for Christmas, he said to see where his wife had been born. But then he brought me to this winery, a small thing, family owned, in Lontué valley, where they still make all their wine by hand.
(absorbed in the glass, the wine)
They pick by hand, carry by hand, press by hand and foot, pour by hand into barrels cut by hand. To this day. Marvelous. The only mechanical process they have is when the trucks come to pick up the bottles... Seeing that... I still think that was the whole reason Uncle Aldo took me down there.
Frank takes a few walnuts from the centerpiece Claire has set out. He rolls them around in his hands absently.FRANK (cont'd) What is it?
From Frank's hands there is a loud CRACK. The walnuts. More than ever Claire stares at his hands.CLAIRE I -- I'd just thought of you as, you know, "man of few words."
(caught staring)
(then)
I've never been there -- I've always wanted to go. I made it to Costa Rica with a boyfriend once, but we went the hotel route.
FRANK Nothing wrong with creature comforts. As long as they still feel like luxuries -- it's when you get too used to them.
Frank pulls his chair up beside Claire. Places two nuts gently in her hand. Claire is a touch startled at the proximity, the touch.CLAIRE You just cracked walnuts, in your hand.
FRANK Not hard. Anyone can do it.
(no big whoop; he eats one)
CLAIRE Anyone who works with his hands all day. For me, changing the paper in my fax is a workout.
FRANK It's not the hand strength, it's the leverage. C'mere...
He puts his hand on top of her. Claire, warming, does as he said. We expect a crack... But nothing happens.FRANK (cont'd) Use the hardness of one shell against the other. Jujitsu principle.
CLAIRE Just squeeze?
FRANK Don't squeeze so much as turn.
Frank laughs, admitting the ruse: he was just trying to get close. And it worked. Claire hesitates, fearful. We feel her strain to want to do the right thing. But when she finds she doesn't know what that is, she sets aside the mounting fear and accepts her impulse. So she leans forward, just a hair. To where she can smell the lemongrass on Frank's breath. Seeing them so close, so unmasked, we wonder who will break the tension first. Claire? Frank? Or...CLAIRE It's not working.
FRANK I suppose not.
CLAIRE I thought you said anyone could --
Trevor walks in, sees the two holding hands, near kissing. He'd be less surprised if he found midgets flipping pancakes on her sofa.TREVOR (O.S.) Hey, Claire-bear, door was opened. Thought I'd pop in -- matching's gettin' a wee wiggy and I could really use some--
TREVOR (cont'd) ... Help.
FADE OUT:
Trevor rubs his hands together, preparing to dig into this feast of mockery. Claire dreads the results.CLAIRE (V.O.) Describing the god Cupid, Plato once said that because he is so passionate he "is constantly in a state between wisdom and ignorance." It is my experience that Trevor often favors the latter.
TREVOR Oh me, oh my. I don't even know where to start.
CLAIRE Then let me suggest with your exit.
He sips his wine.CLAIRE (cont'd) Oh, here it comes. Trevor, just try not to embarrass me.
(remembers who she's talking to)
... Much.
(remembers who she's talking to)
... More than you have to.
TREVOR Have you been talking to Champ? Now be polite and introduce me to your date.
CLAIRE He's not my date, he's my carpenter.
TREVOR Carpenter... This some kinda midnight armoire crisis? Got a splinter in your ottoman? He gonna pull it out with his huge, throbbing pliers.
(approaching; to Frank)
So, Carpenter... Isn't she a snip too bourgeois for you?
TREVOR (cont'd) I think I have to object to this relationship, purely on Marxist terms.
FRANK Never did make it through "Das Capital."
Frank leaves, crossing to the bedroom. Claire fumes.TREVOR Did she tell you about her boyfriend? He's got really cool hair. It won him a Pulitzer.
CLAIRE Okay, it's time to leave.
TREVOR Don't go yet, I came here to talk to you.
CLAIRE Surprisingly, what you came here for is not high on my priority list right now.
TREVOR Didn't make the cut? Got bumped for higher end items like sanding, maybe getting a good varnish.
(to Frank)
She could use a good varnish.
FRANK Maybe I should go.
TREVOR Wait, I haven't even asked you about your adz. I bet you got a great one. A great big adz.
Exasperated, Claire goes after Frank.CLAIRE Look what you did.
TREVOR Ta da.
Entering her bedroom, Claire sees Frank has gone. Trevor pokes his head in -- yup, disappeared.CLAIRE Frank, please. You're an invited guest. Unlike some.
TREVOR Frank? His name is Frank? I love it. You got a plumber named Phil too?
Claire fumes.TREVOR (cont'd) Whoa... Batman.
Trevor's not quite sure about that. He comes up with:TREVOR (cont'd) I know, the gall of him. Didn't even thank you for dinner... So I interrupted your flirt session.
CLAIRE That was not flirting.
TREVOR The way you two were were holding hands -- in "Barbarella" that counted as sex.
CLAIRE And even if I was flirting, what business do you have telling me not to?
Not happy having her words turned against her, Claire stomps back to the dining table, begins cleaning up. Trevor re-enters behind her. He's eating a piece of fish he picked up in the kitchen (a new habit).TREVOR What about Alex?
CLAIRE What about him? You're the one who said, "Surpass, surpass!"
TREVOR Not at the expense of betrayal.
CLAIRE Suddenly you're on his side.
TREVOR Call it devil's advocate. Besides, I set you and Alex up -- I have a professional concern.
CLAIRE It was just a dinner, Trevor. One that I made for Alex, but he wasn't here to share.
TREVOR I thought the sacrifices of a long distance relationship were simply part of the modern predicament.
Claire puts a stack of empty plates in Trevor's indignance-outstretched arms.TREVOR (cont'd) Look, I came here because I need help and you're the closest thing to a rational person I've met since I was slapped down to this zoo.
(off fish; surprised)
This is actually good.
CLAIRE Just so you know, that was zero-for-two on the successful compliments.
TREVOR I'm going out of my mind trying to help these people, but they don't even seem to want it.
(ignores; in his own thoughts)
CLAIRE Not wanting you around. Hmm... not sure I can identify.
TREVOR Used to be everyone wanted love. Now they say they want it and then run away when it's right there. And for what? For pets? Or sex toys, or therapists!
She walks to the kitchen. He follows.CLAIRE People have problems, you have to respect that.
Trevor plops her plates in the sink, turns to go.TREVOR Problems? Tuberculosis was a problem! Small pox, the potato famine, the Huns raping your cattle, those were problems!
CLAIRE What can I tell you? People often fear having the things they idealize.
TREVOR Why'd they do that?
CLAIRE I don't know. Maybe because then they'd have nothing to look forward to.
Claire watches him go.TREVOR Yeah, well I wanna go home. I really do. And I'm tired of looking forward to it.
CLAIRE What are you going to do?
TREVOR Whatever I have to to get there.
As before, Trevor questions Allan. Only now he does so with considerable ardor.CLAIRE (V.O.) The one thing about Trevor, as much as his persistence is a nuisance, it is also a marvel.
Allan doesn't want this conversation, he keeps his eyes on his pasta.TREVOR Why aren't you ready?
ALLAN What do you mean?
TREVOR You said your therapist convinced you to dump Tina because you weren't ready yet. I wanna know why you aren't ready.
Allan looks like he could die from shame.ALLAN It all comes down to trust. You can't really be with someone until you trust them. Enough to tell them everything.
TREVOR Is there something you haven't told her?
(Allan nods silently)
So, you'll tell her. Whatever it is, you'll tell her, she'll understand, everyone's happy.
ALLAN I wish it were that easy.
Giving in, Allan flushes, then looks around him to see who's listening. People are about, so he leans to Trevor, whispers into his ear. Trevor takes whatever it is in. And the corners of his angry mouth go wide, wide, wider with glee.TREVOR How bad could it be? Hidden wife? Gay? Murder rap? Terminal illness? Gay?
ALLAN No, it's -- never mind.
TREVOR Nuh-uh. Don't "never mind" me on this. I found you your lady love -- if you know of any reason why you two should not be joined in holy mattress-moaning, speak now.
She stops as Trevor BURSTS into the session.CLAIRE ... As hard as it is, we should welcome change. No matter how much we revel in the comfort of the status quo, we can't expect anything to stay --
Not quite knowing why, Tina stands.TREVOR Tina. The principal needs to see you in the hallway. Now.
She balks at the question.TREVOR Where did you get his face from?
(she doesn't get it)
When you sketched your perfect man, before the Valentine's dance, you drew Allan. Where did you get the image.
After a moment, Tina sets aside her own shame and leans in to Trevor. She whispers in his ear... If Trevor's grin denoted the eating of anything specific, that thing would be shit.TINA I -- I made it up.
TREVOR Tina, the future of your future depends on you being honest with me. Honest as in truthful. Now...
(intense)
How did his face get into your head?
Priscilla relents as Trevor gives Tina a lingering hug. He wears the prideful glow of an expectant mother. Allan gives Trevor a warm look of understanding.CLAIRE I'm so happy for you two.
TINA Thanks Claire.
VERONICA Eloping! Have you ever heard of anything more romantic?
PRISCILLA I once knew a girl who's fiancé actually married her in public.
(sotto; always a bride's maid)
VERONICA Quit it.
Nick hi-fives whoever will accept. The happy couple leaves, in a flurry of ad-libbed CHEERS. Except the moment the door shuts behind them, Priscilla lets her huge scowl show. As the group bunch heads out the door:ALLAN Easy there. That's going to be my wife in a couple hours.
TREVOR My baby's all grown up.
(sniffle)
Say hi to Reno for me.
CLAIRE Reno? I thought it was Vegas.
TINA We were gonna go to Vegas, but we wanted to be near Tahoe.
(excited)
He's taking me skiing.
NICK Where no man has gone before...
Priscilla thinks, tries, fails, nods no, shoots the rest of her drink, leaves herself. Only Claire and Trevor remain.PRISCILLA I used to like them so much.
VERONICA Can't you be happy for her?
Off Claire's confusion, Trevor, fantastically pleased with himself, produces a videotape. Pops it into the VCR above the bar, hits play. When we hear (but do NOT see) the telltale signs of a porn -- BOM-CHICKA-WOMP-WOMP music, poorly dubbed moaning, etcetera -- Claire's confusion changes instantly to revulsion. She covers her eyes.CLAIRE Okay, spill it. What did you say to him, to make him change his mind?
TREVOR ... Nothin'.
Claire starts, as she peeks through her fingers at the screen... and is shocked by the recognition.CLAIRE Trevor, what are you -- turn that off!
TREVOR Tina had a little collection... Seems he needed the money to get through college. Couyldn
Trevor, nodding, smirking, CLAPS his hands clean...CLAIRE Allan?
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHTTREVOR One down...
He is, he is.TREVOR Still miserable without her?
Rick ponders that when Lorna passes by behind Trevor, on her way to see Champ.TREVOR (cont'd) How do you feel about visitation rights?
SWISH PAN TO:TREVOR (cont'd) Oh, hi Lorna.
LORNA Hiya.
Not hearing the tone, she does, with a "Whoop!" Lorna then sidles up beside Champ, places arms and lips upon him. He doesn't budge; she doesn't notice.LORNA Hey kiddo.
CHAMP Hi. Come on in. Kick off your shoes.
(cold)
Champ doesn't think so. He stands.LORNA Had the most boring, boring day today. I spent four hours re-alphabetizing head shots because my gorgeous Portuguese assistant still hasn't gotten past "L-M-N-O" in her English primer. How's my Champ?
(finally notices his scowl)
Oh, what's wrong sweetie?
CHAMP You sent Chris Templeman in for the part of Peer Gynt. And he got it.
LORNA I know, won't he be great?
This hurts Champ's feeling, enough that he forgets himself.CHAMP I wanted that part, you knew that. And you recommended someone else?
LORNA Okay, A) the part is excruciatingly long, and you hate delivering any speech longer than six lines. And B) --
(not liking this)
CHAMP Forget B. You said I should go for the part.
LORNA That doesn't mean I have to put you up for it. I didn't think you were right.
Lorna takes a long moment before answering. She gets it now. Her flightiness has just flown for good.CHAMP You thought I was "right enough" to get me the Ford spot.
She thinks about getting her shoes, but doesn't want to be there long enough to look for them.LORNA You were right for that. Champ. And that was the only reason you got it.
CHAMP I didn't mean --
(realizing his mistake)
LORNA Yes you did... "Get you" the spot. You thought that's what this was about -- I stuff your resume so long as you stuff me? I'm a modern woman, buddy, but not that modern.
(grabs her coat)
You know, and the worst part is, I really liked you.
She SLAMS the door behind her. Champ realizes he's missed a very big point, keeps silent.LORNA (cont'd) Keep the shoes. "You've earned them."
Trevor presents the array of female patrons.CLAIRE (V.O.) While some elements of the modern world are surmountable, others even Trevor will concede to. Not that he dwells on it.
TREVOR Oh no, no moping on my watch, Harry. It's time to move on. And no better place to feed than the hand that bit you.
Trevor winks big as a FRUMP WITH POTENTIAL walks past.HARRY Not right now thanks. I'm still recovering -- all I want to do is curl up with a movie and eat my candy and pretend I'm not too shallow to date.
(grabs an "English Patient")
Still haven't seen it.
TREVOR Aren't you from back-in-the-saddle country? We gotta keep at it, find you a new, less electronically dependent woman. A sexual Luddite.
Reluctantly, Harry turns to hear what she'll say.TREVOR (cont'd) Hey, what movie you got there?
At that word, "digital," we see Harry dissolve, melted completely by his memories of Julia's warmth, of her attempts to ease his discomfort. His expression softens. He looks to the Woman, then to Trevor. And makes a decision.FRUMP WITH POTENTIAL "Lawrence of Arabia. " The new DVD just came out. I've seen it before, but... ya' just can't beat digital, can you.
Trevor and the woman watch Harry leave. While Trevor is quite pleased, she is confused. Trevor notices her confusion.HARRY No, you can't. I'm sorry, Trevor, I gotta go.
CLAIRE (V.O.) Still, for all his insights, even Trevor is pleasantly surprised sometimes.
As we recognize his pitch, Trevor places an arm around her and walks her off. The spiel unfolds...TREVOR Sorry about that. Didn't mean to bother you here... Not too much anyway. Thing is, I believe I can help you --
EXT. DOORWAY - NIGHTTREVOR (cont'd) See, you look a little lonely. Truth is you look like a borrowed piece of gum...
Julia laughs, takes his hand, kisses it and pulls him inside.LYRICS Dey took John Henry to de graveyard / An' dey buried him in de sand / An' every locomotive come roarin' by / Says, "There lays a steel-drivin' man / Lord, Lord, there lays a steel-drivin' man. "
HARRY Just put some put some music on, okay? The buzzing gets distracting.
She opens it revealing... ALEX. Claire is stunned. Throws her arms around him.CLAIRE (V.O.) Although you should know, as charmed as Trevor's matches seem to be, not all of them are immune to failure...
They step inside.CLAIRE Alex. What are you doing here? Where's your bag?
ALEX No bag. My flight back leaves in an hour.
CLAIRE Six hours of travel time for one hour here? Why?
ALEX Because I owe you this conversation. And I owe it to you to have it in person.
Claire is pleased with this direction so far. Alex sits, taking the same seat Frank sat in during dinner.ALEX (cont'd) Now I really wish I'd rehearsed something...
(then)
I know you were hurt that I didn't come the other night. That wasn't okay, of me.
CLAIRE I'm glad you see that.
ALEX I do. And I'm sorry...
Claire manages a smile. Alex kisses her. She accepts.ALEX (cont'd) I made you some promises that were going to make our being apart work. I haven't kept them.
CLAIRE No, you haven't.
ALEX And I don't think I'll get any better at it.
CLAIRE This isn't making me feel any better, Alex.
ALEX That's the problem. I haven't been making you feel any better since I left. Worse, I've hurt you... I can't let myself keep doing that.
(stands)
CLAIRE You want -- you want to break up?
ALEX No. Not at all
(this is very hard for him)
But I can't hold you back, not when you could be finding someone who could make you happier than I am... I care about you too much, Claire, to keep you. From exploring something that might be better. Or someone.
CLAIRE Alex I --
ALEX Sh... If you say a word all this bravado will fall apart.
They kiss again, quite possibly for the last time. Finally, Alex leaves. He looks back, wordlessly, pained. The door shuts. And Claire is left with a confused and damaged heart.ALEX (cont'd) I have to go.
Champ approaches, done with his shift.CLAIRE (V.O.) And so, our Cupid proves to be an appropriate present day analogy for that most elusive emotion: love. Like love, he is demanding, nostalgic, obnoxious, and unstoppable.
Off that, REVEAL COLIN, as Trevor and Champ look down at him.TREVOR How's your casting situation.
CHAMP What casting situation?
TREVOR I see.
CHAMP How's your bead situation?
TREVOR Better.
As Champ leaves, Trevor heads for the bar, warmly greets the regulars, introduces himself to a new face. And we:CHAMP Oh yeah, so this is our new roommate?
TREVOR Yup.
CHAMP Hope he's cleaner than you.
At that, Trevor crashes down beside her. Colin bounds on Claire's lap.CLAIRE (V.O.) ... And like love, he comes crashing into your life when you least want or expect it and demands your full attention.
Claire fawns all over Colin, petting him, doggy-talking.TREVOR Like him?
(demanding her full attention)
CLAIRE Aww, what a cutie. Is he yours?
TREVOR Colin, nah. Just dog-sitting until some new antihistamines hit the market.
Trevor PULLS some dog hairs off his sleeve, shudders.TREVOR (cont'd) Yeah, he's a chick magnet. I'm thinking of renting him out to the goober guys in your group. Help offset the cost of puppy chow. Little freeloader.
CLAIRE I'm glad you got a dog.
TREVOR Think I needed more fur clinging to my clothes?
Sure she means the dog.CLAIRE I think you need not to be alone so much. And now you know there's always someone out there who remembers you at your best.
Okay, we're not sure who knows exactly what here. But if they both knew that they both know everything, we might have a real moment on our hands... Claire breaks the tension.TREVOR I guess it's good to know you've got someone around. For when you need 'em.
He leaves; Colin follows. Writing one last line, a wistful Claire watches them. There they go... a god and his dog.CLAIRE Yeah, I'd hate to have to barge in on someone in the middle of the night.
TREVOR You think the fuzzball gives your caliber of advice? Hey, Colin, how do I get Champ and his girlyfriend back together?
(nothing from the dog)
See? Nothing...
(gets up; pats his thigh)
A'right, time for walkies... Kid thinks he's too good for the john. C'mon.
CLAIRE (V.O.) And despite the changing times, Trevor, like love, endures. And despite all our rationale, all our fashionable attempts at detachment, we submit to their charms and their passions, and allow our lives to be swept into the current.
FADE TO BLACK: