Nothing. They stare at him like lobotomized sheep.TREVOR (singing)
... Glad to meet you! Hope you know my name! Uh-huh! But fooling you is the nature of my game! Woo-woo! Woo-woo!
(to the people)
Everybody!
(singing)
Woo-woo! Woo-woo!
(to the people on his left)
On the left!
Nothing. He gives up and approaches Glenda.TREVOR (cont'd) Now the ladies! Sing it high!
(singing)
Woo-woo! Woo-woo! Okay, now just the dried up undead zombies with no hope left in their souls! Sing it low!
(singing)
Woo-woo!
(frustrated)
You know the words! Woo. Woo.
GLENDA produces a mini-recorder, places it on the counter and CLICKS it on. WE NOTICE her long fire-engine red, press-on nails.TREVOR (cont'd) It's too late for these people, they've already died. Let me go first.
GLENDA Name?
TREVOR Glenda! It's me! Trevor. Second Monday of every month, I come for my drug test.
(proudly, as though it's a great honor)
I... am a psychiatric outpatient!
GLENDA Last name?
TREVOR Hasn't changed in the last six months.
GLENDA If you don't tell me your last name, I can't enter it into the computer. If I don't enter it into the computer, you won't be assigned a case number. If you aren't assigned a case number --
TREVOR I'll turn into one of them?
(off people)
GLENDA They told me their last names. They have case numbers. They are all ahead of you.
TREVOR Okay, I see the problem. Clearly, your riding crop has become painfully lodged in --
The people in the waiting room BURST into APPLAUSE.TREVOR (cont'd) What's that for?
GLENDA Proof of your rudeness and bad behavior.
TREVOR Send help. This woman is the reincarnation of Heinrich Himmler.
(into the mini-recorder)
Glenda smiles grimly. She's got this sonofabitch nailed.TREVOR (cont'd) Shut up! You don't go "Woo-woo" when I ask, so the hell with you.
(to them)
INT. HOSPITAL EXAMINING ROOM - DAYTREVOR (O.S.) OUCH!
MAGGIE inserts the needle, but she's said the magic words. His attention is on her relationship; he doesn't notice the prick. She unwraps the rubber tubing.MAGGIE Do we have to go through this every time?
TREVOR At least scrape the rust off the needle.
MAGGIE We went out again the other night.
TREVOR looks at his arm, shocked to see that she's finished.MAGGIE Dinner. Movie. Music. It was nice.
TREVOR Helpful hint: this time when you jab the needle in, stop before it comes out the other side.
MAGGIE Then, back to my place. Always my place.
(off his arm)
All done. See you next month.
MAGGIE packages up the sample and heads out, Trevor close behind. Before she exits, she looks in her centrifuge. Inside is a Hershey's Kiss. MAGGIE smiles as she pockets the candy.TREVOR You are the Mozart of bloodsuckers.
(then)
Bachelors like the woman's place. It's cleaner and easier to escape.
MAGGIE Or... what if he's not a bachelor?
And they move into...TREVOR You're worried he's got another squeeze?
Maggie smiles, realizing she sounds paranoid.MAGGIE He forgets to call, starts playing his fiddle when we're talking, won't plan weekends -- and there's that sacred Thursday night poker game.
TREVOR So, basically, what you're saying is that he's undomesticated?
MAGGIE It's like he's got a split personality.
TREVOR So, why are you still with him?
MAGGIE Because one of the personalities is really sweet: my windshield is clear every morning, Hershey's Kisses in my centrifuge, fresh strawberries in my urinalysis kit...
TREVOR Okay, you don't eat that right?
MAGGIE And every couple days, he sends me a postcard of a Van Gogh painting.
TREVOR You like crazy, one-eared Mr. Swirly?
(disapprovingly)
MAGGIE All these little surprises that say "I love you. I'm thinking of you."
TREVOR So, to recap, he's perfect except for the fiddle and the card game.
And off his stunned expression --MAGGIE You're right. I shouldn't worry. Next thing you know, I'll be believing the rumors about these "Cupid Cops."
TREVOR I'm sorry... Cupid what?
MAGGIE You know, the Love Narcs who make sure nobody rips off a quickie in the supply room.
TREVOR That's... that's... against the laws of nature.
(indignant)
SMASH TO MAIN TITLES:
INT. CLAIRE'S OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK) (INTERCUT AS NEEDED)DR. GREELEY Should I be insulted that you've removed the name of your patient?
(off transcript)
CLAIRE Doctor, patient privilege.
DR. GREELEY Does not apply here, Claire. I'm your supervising physician.
CLAIRE You're also the Administrative Head.
DR. GREELEY Now, don't get mean.
CLAIRE I wouldn't usually bother you with this, but it's important you see how company policy has an adverse emotional effect.
DR. GREELEY He's an employee of the hospital?
CLAIRE Page three, line seven, I ask him about that relationship.
(off transcript)
DR. GREELEY I'm not certain why...
(reading)
INT. CLAIRE'S OFFICE - DAYCLAIRE & DR. GREELEY (V.O.) ... You feel such guilt.
UNSEEN PATIENT & DR. GREELEY (V.O.) I'm supposed to enforce this policy of discouraging romance in the workplace and yet I have romantic feelings myself.
CLAIRE flips pages, and...CLAIRE He's caught between his job and his emotions...
GREELEY It's a good policy, Claire. It's designed to crack down on sexual harassment.
CLAIRE The hospital was slapped with a three million dollar lawsuit and now we're over-reacting.
GREELEY How about we talk about your patient and not about hospital policy?
INT. CLAIRE'S OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK)CLAIRE (cont'd) Fine. Page eight, line seven...
(off transcript)
(reading)
CLAIRE is full of sympathy for the man.UNSEEN PATIENT & CLAIRE (V.O.) ... In the Dunking Booth at the hospital carnival last August, she dunked me three times. She was just so vivacious. So funny. So energetic. It was this Shakespearean moment -- love at first sight.
(beat, afraid to admit)
Sometimes I have trouble sleeping so I drive by her house early in the morning. Clear the ice off her windshield, dig out the snowdrifts...
CLAIRE & CLAIRE (V.O.) It's not abnormal to be preoccupied in the early days of a relationship.
Greeley flips a page.DR. GREELEY Good advice. Why do you need me?
CLAIRE I don't want to advise an employee to defy company policy.
(off transcript)
Next page, line six.
INT. CLAIRE'S OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK)DR. GREELEY I'm afraid that...
(reading)
CLAIRE is astounded at this revelation --UNSEEN PATIENT & DR. GREELEY (V.O.) ... The Cupid Cops will catch us and one of us will lose our job.
CLAIRE & DR. GREELEY (V.O.) You believe in the Cupid Cops?
UNSEEN PATIENT & DR. GREELEY (V.O.) (darkly amused)
Believe in them? Yeah. I'm one of them.
Dr. Greeley stands to leave, obviously troubled himself.CLAIRE What I need to find out, Milton, is if my client is paranoid or if he's being ripped apart by a secret policy that's effectively hired him to ruin his own love life.
INT. BENDER TALENT AGENCY - DAYDR. GREELEY I'll get back to you.
She points to an in/out basket which contains at least 50 similar pictures and resumes. Her phone RINGS. Kiki grabs it.CHAMP Champ Terrace for Lorna Bender.
KIKI In the basket.
She hangs up.KIKI (cont'd) Lorna Bender's office.
(listens)
Yes, I'll give her the message.
KIKI doesn't buy that for a second. BUZZES the intercom.CHAMP I wonder if I might speak to Lorna personally?
KIKI Do you have an appointment?
CHAMP I'm pretty sure, yes --
(bluffing like crazy)
CHAMP doesn't know where to look. A long pause, then...LORNA (OVER INTERCOM) Yes?
KIKI The Milk of Magnesia people decided to go ethnic.
LORNA (OVER INTERCOM) Ethnic. As in African-American?
KIKI I guess.
LORNA (OVER INTERCOM) Tell Armando to make the calls.
KIKI And, uh... there's one here now.
LORNA (OVER INTERCOM) One what?
KIKI An ethnic man.
KIKI looks to Champ, he nods yes.LORNA (OVER INTERCOM) Is there an African-American gentleman standing there with you right now?
KIKI gets up and runs off. Champ prepares himself. The door to the inner sanctum opens and out steps LORNA BENDER, 30, very attractive and very successful. She smiles broadly at Champ and offers her hand.KIKI Yes.
LORNA (OVER INTERCOM) (sweetly)
Kiki, I'm coming out now. Don't be there when I arrive.
LORNA smiles. This is going to be all right.LORNA I'm Lorna Bender. Is there anything I can do or say now to improve your opinion of us?
CHAMP Us meaning "you people" or us, this agency?
(smiles)
JACLYN pokes her head into the office.CLAIRE This office is closed.
TREVOR Have you heard about these Cupid Cops? Love Narcs? Romance Rats? Snuggle Snoops? Kiss Catchers?
CLAIRE Rumors, Trevor.
Behind Trevor's back, she indicates that it's Trevor.JACLYN Dr. Allen? There's a woman here with a complaint about one of your patients.
CLAIRE elbows her way by him. Trevor follows.TREVOR Let us review ideal places to meet your soul-mate. One: WORK!
GLENDA's ears perk up. She thumbs the "record" button on her mini-recorder, unnoticed by any of the others.TREVOR You can't be the relationship expert in a hospital that bans relationships.
CLAIRE I'll be with you in one moment...
(to Glenda)
TREVOR Schnell! Schnell! Ich Ein Berliner! Liebfraumilch! Gesundheit! Raust! Raust!
(to Glenda, startling her)
CLAIRE Could we discuss this tomorrow?
(to Trevor)
TREVOR I'll drop by your place later.
He CLICKS his heels and leaves.CLAIRE Not tonight. I'm exhausted.
TREVOR It's not like you ever want to see me at the office.
CLAIRE I see you in the morning, I see you at night. I wouldn't be surprised if you popped up in my dreams.
TREVOR What'll I be wearing?
CLAIRE It's interfering with my work. Why don't you let me call you for once?
TREVOR I'll sit by the phone, one hand on the receiver and the other on my --
(to Glenda, startling her)
Einsterzen Neubaten!
GLENDA gets up and leaves.CLAIRE I'm sorry. Can I help you?
(to Glenda)
GLENDA Oh no, thank you. I'm quite satisfied.
She turns to see Jaclyn staring at her through the novelty glasses. Neither one of them cracks a smile.CLAIRE (cont'd) Sometimes I think you and I are the only sane people in this building.
(to Jaclyn)
The phone RINGS. Champ answers.CHAMP Lorna Bender! I've been trying to scam my way in to see her for two years! Lorna Bender! She owns the best casting agency in town.
TREVOR Ah, yes -- Bender, Over and Polk.
CHAMP She represents only the A-list and she's a fan of my work.
TREVOR You mortals are so addicted to external validation.
CHAMP Right, "us mortals." And all those animal sacrifices in the Temple of Eros?
TREVOR Guy can never have too many sheep hearts...
CHAMP Lorna says I exude authority.
TREVOR Are you sure she didn't say "nude minority"?
CHAMP I know it's hard for you to understand, but not everything's about sex.
He hangs up, looking slightly stunned.CHAMP Hello?
(then surprised)
Hi. Lorna.
(listens)
Sure. That'd be great. What time?
(jots a note)
I'll be there. Okay. Bye.
Off Champ, confused. And Trevor smirking.CHAMP She just asked me out. On a date.
She looks back over her shoulder and sees Frank wandering about the room, peeking into corners and squinting at random walls.CLAIRE Now, the closet door will be here --standard size. These red lines here indicate...
FRANK continues his circuit.CLAIRE (cont'd) Mr. Cantos?
He looks over, but says nothing and continues his circuit.FRANK Call me Frank.
She waits for him to finish, and he sedately wanders over to the patterned wall, which he regards with some disdain.CLAIRE (cont'd) Frank? We're over here.
FRANK I'm getting the feel of the room.
CLAIRE Just a plain, old room. Nothing special.
FRANK thinks Claire has figured things out nicely.CLAIRE (cont'd) I've marked off --
FRANK It's gonna take six weeks.
CLAIRE Six weeks?
(astounded)
(off Frank's nod)
The Hodgins said you were good and fast.
FRANK I put up a garage for the Hodgins.
CLAIRE And that's easier than a closet?
(not understanding)
FRANK You can use power tools for a garage.
CLAIRE You're not going to use power tools?
FRANK What kind of doctor are you?
CLAIRE I'm a psychologist. Now, as I mentioned on the phone --
FRANK I'm sort of like a psychologist myself.
(off her look)
Like people, every room has a distinct personality.
CLAIRE Except for garages?
He smiles at her. He certainly does have blue eyes.FRANK Exactly.
(off room)
This is a good space. I'm going to help you unlock its potential.
CLAIRE Really? Because I thought you were going to build me a closet.
FRANK No, I'm going to make you happy.
CLAIRE stops arguing. Maybe it's the eyes.CLAIRE A closet would make me happy.
FRANK And that's what you're gonna get.
CLAIRE can't believe what she's hearing. She feels her professional life crumbling around her.CLAIRE Uh-oh, nothing's quite as scary as Milton in the Morning.
DR. GREELEY I have some difficult news.
(reluctantly)
There have been allegations made to the effect that you may be having...
uh, inappropriate relations with Trevor Hale.
FADE OUT:
TREVOR KNOCKS and enters. He's in his bartending apron. He looks like a keg of Guiness just exploded on him which is exactly what's just happened.CLAIRE ON RECORDER Not tonight. I'm exhausted.
TREVOR ON RECORDER It's not like you ever want to see me at the office.
CLAIRE ON RECORDER I see you in the morning, I see you at night, I wouldn't be surprised if you popped up in my dreams. GREELEY looks at Tim. He shuts off the recorder.
CLAIRE That's not in context.
(numbly)
(regarding Tim and Andrew)
Why are the Human Resources guys here?
TIM It's a Human Resources issue.
CLAIRE I'm being fired?
GREELEY Now, Claire --
TREVOR now understands what's going on...CLAIRE Trevor, you're late.
TREVOR Now, Claire, a keg of Irish stout sprung a leak at Taggerty's same time I got your call.
GREELEY You managed to get a tap into it?
TREVOR Well, that woulda been one way to deal with it.
(guiltily)
CLAIRE You really think I would have a sexual relationship with this.
(to Greeley)
GREELEY Of course I don't.
ANDREW Given the nature of the tape, we're required to investigate your relationship with Mr. Hale.
(kindly)
No one is amused. Greeley turns to Claire.TREVOR We got caught because she hollers so loudly when we make love, right? Well, not to boast, but if you knew the specifics, you wouldn't blame her.
(apologetically)
CLAIRE Trevor --
TREVOR Claire, you said we could stop hiding our love when --
CLAIRE Trevor --
TREVOR Sweetie, this is such a relief! Now I can shout your name from the rooftops! My darling. My fertile crescent. My own private Idaho.
TREVOR is blind-sided by that pronouncement.DR. GREELEY During the investigation, Mr. Hale will have to be reassigned to another therapist.
Another KNOCK at the door. DR. IAN FRECHETTE enters.TREVOR But -- but -- but --
CLAIRE I'm not going to pretend that a little vacation from Trevor wouldn't be nice.
TREVOR But -- but -- but --
CLAIRE While Trevor does his motorboat impression, maybe I can make a couple of suggestions.
GREELEY I've already found a volunteer.
FRECHETTE smiles. It's too late for that.CLAIRE (cont'd) Oh, no, no, no.
FRECHETTE Good morning.
GREELEY Trevor, let me introduce Dr. Ian Frechette.
TREVOR Dr. Straitjacket? Dr. Thorazine?
(to Claire)
Tell them the truth, Claire!
CLAIRE I tried.
TREVOR Okay, joke's over, we're not even friendly. It's a strict no touching zone, we don't even breathe the same air. Nothing to see here, folks, move along. Move along.
He looks to Claire. She shrugs. It's out of her hands.FRECHETTE I have no doubt these allegations are false, Claire, but I am delighted to be helping you with Mr. Hale's case.
(to Claire)
TREVOR Oh, God.
He puts it back as carefully as he can.ANDREW Oh, God.
MAGGIE I know. I know. I know.
(throatily)
ANDREW I mean Tim's ant farm. Could've infested the whole hospital.
MAGGIE leans toward Andrew when Tim enters...MAGGIE Where were we?
ANDREW Okay, whoa, time out. What if Tim comes back and catches us?
MAGGIE Oooo, would he cut off the supply of paperclips?
ANDREW He'd report us in a heartbeat. He's not a fun guy like me. He takes everything way too seriously.
(off the ant farm)
He's like an ant.
MAGGIE He can carry ten times his own body weight?
ANDREW He's all about regulations. Completely by the book. The man's never missed a day's work in his life.
ANDREW just about jumps out of his skin, then freezes in panic.TIM What's up?
TIM regards them flatly just long enough for them to think that he doesn't believe a word they're saying, when --ANDREW Uh --
MAGGIE I came here to ask a question about my health benefits and Mr...?
ANDREW Sell. Andrew Sell. Ms...?
MAGGIE Hollings. Maggie Hollings. Well, Mr. Sell and I started discussing movies.
ANDREW Miss Hollings suggested that Brad Pitt's Irish accent in --
MAGGIE "The Devil's Own" was worse than --
ANDREW Kevin Costner's English accent in "Prince of Thieves."
MAGGIE LAUGHS. Tim smiles, his facade cracking for just a moment.TIM What about Sean Connery as a Russian submarine commander?
(imitating Mr. Connery)
Mr. Krepsulov, please inform the Kremlin that the imperialists running dog lackeys have retreated.
MAGGIE nods politely at Tim, grimaces at Andrew behind Tim's back and takes her leave. Tim watches her go.MAGGIE Well, I gotta --
But she's gone. Too late.TIM My name's Tim Delaune, by the way --
TIM sits at his desk and starts to work. Andrew sits at his desk and starts playing with a slinky.ANDREW You weren't coming onto her there, were you Tim?
TREVOR enters and peruses Frechette's belongings. Frechette's office is... Wagnerian. Heavy, serious, slightly fascist and humorless. Trevor roams.FRECHETTE I suppose it was your marksmanship that charmed Dr. Allen? Please sit down.
TREVOR picks up the Wagner bust, and holding it in front of his face, BELTS OUT a bit of faux Wagnerian Opera at full volume. "Kill De Wabbit! Kill de Wabbit!"TREVOR Very homey place, if you're a Spartan.
FRECHETTE I did agree not to alter Dr. Allen's course of treatment, such as it is. Nevertheless, I am not Dr. Allen, Trevor.
TREVOR Really? Because I know Claire Allen. I've worked with Claire Allen. And... Ian Frechette...
(eyes him; shrugs)
... you could pass.
FRECHETTE Once again, please sit down.
Trevor hears the steel in Frechette and stops moving.FRECHETTE So, you believe that for each couple you match up, you will win a bead?
(off Trevor's shrug)
And when you receive a hundred such beads, you will magically transport back to Olympus to resume your life of leisure.
TREVOR Correct -- except there's no magic. An invisible fiery chariot will simply pick me up at Division and Wacker.
FRECHETTE I don't think you understand, Trevor.
TREVOR But if I don't understand Trevor, who will?
FRECHETTE I agreed to keep you off medication and off the psychiatric ward sheerly out of professional courtesy. But if you don't sit down, right now, in that chair, I will amend your treatment as I see fit.
(calm as a lake)
A moment, and Trevor makes his decision. He quickly stretches out on the couch. Frechette is pleased. He smiles and makes a note.FRECHETTE (cont'd) We will begin by talking about your earliest memories --
TREVOR I'm over three thousand-years-old. I hope you have a lot of time.
FRECHETTE As a matter-of-fact, I do not. So, if necessary, we will find ways to streamline the process. Electroshock comes to mind.
CHAMP observes Trevor curiously. Trevor is now looking under the couch cushions.TREVOR Welcome home from your date. You and Lorna Doone what I think you been doone?
CHAMP We went out and had a nice time.
TREVOR You do a killer "naive."
CHAMP We barely talked about work.
CHAMP begins walking towards Trevor's bedroom.TREVOR So riddle me this, Bachelorman: would you have asked her out if she hadn't asked you first?
CHAMP No.
TREVOR Because...
CHAMP I wouldn't want her to think I was using her to get work.
TREVOR And you don't think she's capable of using work to get you?
CHAMP She did insist on paying for dinner.
(troubled)
(off Trevor's odd behavior)
I'm pretty sure I'm going to regret asking this, but -- what the hell are you doing?
TREVOR Earning a bead. Trying to get home. That pizza we had delivered last night -- where's the box?
CHAMP The pizza I had delivered?
TREVOR Details.
CHAMP gets down on his hands and knees and pulls a pizza box out from under TREVOR's bed.CHAMP Dare I ask what it's for?
TREVOR If I can prove to this amazing nurse down at the hospital that her boyfriend isn't married, that poker night isn't code for poke-her night, she'll commit to him. There's my bead.
CHAMP pulls out another box, and another...CHAMP And you need a pizza box to do it?
TREVOR Yep.
EXT. ANDREW'S PLACE - NIGHTCHAMP (cont'd) There you go. Save two more relationships.
FADE OUT:
TREVOR doesn't slow. He holds up a beaker of amber liquid.GLENDA Hey! You can't go back there!
She starts to get up, but THE MAN at the front of the line shoves a sheaf of papers under her nose. Glenda sits, and, still glaring in Trevor's direction, starts blindly stamping the forms.TREVOR Just dropping off a sample, Frau Blucha, won't be a minute.
She keeps walking, and Trevor follows.MAGGIE Yeah, I've seen it before. First they're afraid of needles, then they start to like it.
A beat as this sinks in.MAGGIE (cont'd) And by the way, I take blood. That you can keep.
(off the sample)
TREVOR It's apple juice. To get by Colonel Klink.
MAGGIE I'm sorry, you're scheduled for one blood test a month and that's all you're getting.
TREVOR Maggie, I went by Andrew's house last night.
MAGGIE Ah, poker night. How'd you do?
TREVOR There wasn't any poker game.
TREVOR winces and shakes his head. Maggie tries to hide the pain she's feeling without much effect.MAGGIE And lemme guess, he wasn't alone?
And a movement catches her eye. She looks down the hall, causing Trevor to look as well...MAGGIE (cont'd) See, the rules are there for a reason. Fishing off the company pier anything you catch, you're gonna have to throw back.
Off Glenda's look of disgust...TREVOR Waste not; want not.
ANDREW is shocked into silence. Tim takes the info in stride.ANDREW Oh, boy, here we go again.
GLENDA You know sometimes I question your dedication to our job.
TIM Our job? You're a receptionist.
GLENDA You know my goal is to work in Human Resources. That's where the action is. What's happening with the Dr. Allen case?
TIM Unfortunately, we are unable to comment on ongoing inquiries.
ANDREW So, unless you have something new...
GLENDA Maggie Hollings is dating someone at the hospital.
TIM ushers Glenda toward the door.TIM Do you have any proof?
GLENDA She admitted it right to my face. Almost.
ANDREW What about a name?
GLENDA No.
(off their disinterest)
But you have to look into it.
As she leaves. Tim and Andrew share an exasperated look.TIM If you're going to work in Human Resources, Glenda, you have to understand that gossip isn't proof. You're Doctor Allen tape isn't even holding up.
GLENDA Then I'll get proof.
Not missing a beat, Claire throws her hands up in the air and backs out of the office.TREVOR Zis envy you haf for da mens. Eet eez healthy and perfectly natural.
(sounding very Dr. Ruth)
CLAIRE Get out of here!
TREVOR But I'm here with an idea. Matchmaking in Chicago in winter -- too many layers of clothes. What I'm thinking is by relocating to Club Med, flying south for the winter, all those oiled, nearly naked bodies --
(as if this makes it okay)
CLAIRE I'm being investigated for my relationship with you, and you're suggesting we hop a plane to Club Med?
(the nerve!)
TREVOR Okay, you can come, too. It'll be fun! We'll swim, rub lotion on each other, get a tan, rub lotion on each other, drink Mai-Tais, rub lotion on each other.
CLAIRE flees. Trevor follows.CLAIRE Jaclyn! Jaclyn!
(yelling)
CLAIRE and Jaclyn regard each other in shock.TREVOR You'll have to pay, though. I'm tap city.
CLAIRE I am not talking to this man because I am being investigated for improper conduct and I don't want to lose my career.
JACLYN Can I talk to him?
CLAIRE Let me just say that if I had it all to do over again, I'd avoid him.
TREVOR You miss me.
CLAIRE He's a child. He has no understanding of what damage he did by corroborating the charges against me.
(to Jaclyn)
TREVOR I'm sorry.
Claire provides the withering look without even trying. TREVOR reacts as if Claire's expression is erotic art.CLAIRE Did he say...?
JACLYN Yes.
TREVOR I'm in Claire withdrawal. Give me a quick fix. Anything! A stinging retort! A withering look!
CLAIRE heads into her office, SLAMMING the door.TREVOR Oh, yeah. That was good. Diss me again. This time, say something. Slowly.
JACLYN nods: "She does too." Trevor heads off, satisfied.TREVOR (cont'd) She misses me, too.
JACLYN Yeah, she does. Me too.
CLAIRE (O.S.) I DO NOT MISS TREVOR HALE!
TREVOR tries, and cannot. Frechette is pleased.FRECHETTE The elevator is going down, down...
TREVOR Down, down, past hardwares, past the bargain basement --
FRECHETTE As the elevator approaches the Earth's core, gravity gets stronger. You're unable to lift your limbs.
(then)
Try to lift your arm.
He draws back a bow.FRECHETTE (cont'd) Good. You trust me. You trust my voice. I'm your friend.
TREVOR You're my friend. We played Little League together. We rode bikes together. We indulged in healthy experimentation at Cub Scout Camp --
FRECHETTE You see a spiral staircase going down right in front of you.
TREVOR Like a lighthouse.
FRECHETTE As you walk down the staircase, you become younger and younger.
TREVOR Why does Ganymede get all the nymphs? I'll show that son of a hydra --
(an adolescent's voice)
A long silence... Is Trevor seeing his past?FRECHETTE Another step...
TREVOR Mom and Dad... they're fighting.
(a child's voice, worried)
FRECHETTE What about?
(intrigued)
TREVOR Whether or not to destroy Atlantis.
FRECHETTE Another step...
TREVOR There's a rock floor. Stone. Thick.
FRECHETTE No, it's paper. It's mist. It is your delusion. Listen to me. Take the step.
TREVOR I -- I can't. It hurts.
(struggling)
FRECHETTE It may be painful, but I want you to step back to before you were a god. Before the delusion.
FRECHETTE smiles. He's made a huge breakthrough.TREVOR A girl...
FRECHETTE What girl?
(feels he's onto something)
TREVOR She's leaving. She's never coming back. My heart... it's breaking.
(heartbroken)
FRECHETTE What's her name?
TREVOR It's broken. My heart is broken. Can't take the pain. I have to heal my heart. I have to heal all the broken hearts...
FRANK indicates the paper plate-sized hole in the wall opposite the proposed closet space. It's covered in opaque plastic.FRANK Long day?
CLAIRE Why's it so cold in here?
CLAIRE points at the opposite wall. Frank shrugs.FRANK I should have that finished soon.
CLAIRE There's a hole in my wall.
FRANK It won't be a hole for long.
CLAIRE I wanted a closet, over there. On that wall.
FRANK pauses. This woman is crazy.FRANK Dr. Allen, how seriously would you take it if I told you should start prescribing more lithium to your patients?
CLAIRE As long as we're drawing analogies, wouldn't it make you nervous if your psychologist didn't use modern tools of the profession? If she said, "hold still, let the leech get proper suction."
FRANK I don't need a psychologist.
CLAIRE That remains to be seen. Please, plug something in! A belt sander! A cordless drill! How about an electric hole fixer? Handy for those sub-zero Chicago nights.
FRANK Plug in a cordless drill?
CLAIRE It's freezing. How am I supposed to fall asleep, tonight?
FRANK You're such a big fan of electric devices, can I suggest --
CLAIRE Don't you dare!
FRANK has no idea what that means. He ignores it.FRANK An electric blanket.
CLAIRE An electric blanket. Of course.
(attempts to laugh it off)
I'm sorry. That was my Trevor reflex.
FRANK picks up his toolbox, departs. Claire calls after him.FRANK Look, if, when I'm done, you're not happy with the results, there'll be no charge. Do your customers get that guarantee?
CLAIRE shakes her head, not appreciating the pun.CLAIRE I don't have customers. I have patients.
FRANK (O.S.) Not nearly enough.
ANDREW doesn't miss a beat. He LAUGHS.ANDREW Okay, a complete tour of the house. No sign of a live-in girlfriend.
MAGGIE What happened to your Thursday night poker game?
MAGGIE breathes a sigh of relief.ANDREW Is that what this is about? Don in Pharmacy ratted me out, huh? Well, I cancelled it. Would you like to know what I did instead?
(off Maggie's nod)
I had dinner with the wife of my best friend from college.
Guilt and worry flash over his face. This is hard.MAGGIE I'm sorry to sound so suspicious...
ANDREW Have I done something to make you mistrust me?
MAGGIE Why haven't you brought me here before?
The pair get lost in kissing.ANDREW You've heard about the Cupid Cops, right?
MAGGIE You're afraid the Cupid Cops will catch us? They're fictional, like the Boogeyman, a story someone made up to keep us in line.
ANDREW Maggie, they're real.
MAGGIE Even if they did exist, why would they watch your apartment any more carefully than mine?
ANDREW Sometimes my boss drops by.
MAGGIE Tim? He's a Cupid Cop?
ANDREW Uh, we both are.
MAGGIE You're risking your career to see me?
(takes that in, then, touched)
ANDREW You see why I maybe act a little weird. Especially now.
MAGGIE Why now?
ANDREW We heard a rumor this morning -- about you.
MAGGIE Any clue as to what mysterious lover I'm supposed to be seeing?
ANDREW We're looking into it.
MAGGIE So, with this Cupid Cop job... do you get handcuffs?
Off Champ looking sheepish.TREVOR How'd Lorna take the news?
CHAMP Didn't quite get all the words out.
TREVOR She told you that you're the loviest, doviest, most cuddly-wuddly boy-toy in town, and you folded.
CHAMP No. She told me she got me an audition for a national truck commercial.
(beat)
That's when I folded.
She favors him with one more sad look and heads over to her own car. Tim, emotionless, rolls up his window again.MAGGIE Do you like your job, Tim?
TIM Not always. But it's important.
(joyless)
MAGGIE I love my job. And I love Andrew. Your job is to spoil all that. How is that important?
She hands him a bright red folder marked "CONFIDENTIAL."ANDREW You better not have called me down here cause you saw a couple people making eyes in the cafeteria.
And off Andrew's nervous expression...GLENDA Here's your proof that Maggie Hollings is having an affair with employee number 21245.
ANDREW Two-one-two-four-five?
(then, off the folder)
A case file from Dr. Allen. This is completely illegal.
GLENDA You wanted proof. Frankly, I was hoping to find something out about Dr. Allen and her lunatic patient. In any case, you didn't say it had to be legal.
INT. CLAIRE'S OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK)ANDREW I think about her all day. It's interfering with my work.
(reading)
INT. HUMAN RESOURCES OFFICE - DAYUNSEEN PATIENT & ANDREW (V.O.) I can't be honest at work. I can't do what I'm being paid to do.
CLAIRE & ANDREW (V.O.) How do you feel about what you're being paid to do?
The computer BEEPS, and he looks up at the screen his eyes go wide.ANDREW I don't know anymore...
(reading)
INT. HUMAN RESOURCES OFFICE - DAYTIM All I know is that I love Maggie Hollings.
ANDREW considers what he's discovered. A smile blooms on his face. All his problems have just been solved.ANDREW And right now, that's all I can think about.
(reading off transcript)
FADE OUT:
MAGGIE looks questioningly at Andrew. Andrew is impassive.MAGGIE You're leaving?
TIM Moving on.
TIM presents her with the poster.MAGGIE I'm gonna miss seeing that poster when I come in here.
There's a sincerity and sadness in his voice that registers on Maggie. He nods, and takes his leave. Maggie looks questioningly at Andrew.TIM A parting gift.
(to Maggie)
I really hope things work out for you.
They share a moment of relief.ANDREW He resigned.
MAGGIE That's good for us.
ANDREW Get this. We got evidence that he was in love with a hospital employee. I mean desperately in love. He quit before Greeley could fire him.
MAGGIE Well, at least he's got integrity.
CLAIRE enters, quietly. With a wave and a "shush" gesture Frechette tells her to listen quietly and witness the marvel that is Trevor's progress. TREVOR does not notice a thing.TREVOR I was her first -- she was mine. We trusted each other with our hearts.
(trance voice)
FRECHETTE shoots Claire a look of supreme smugness.FRECHETTE What happened between you?
TREVOR Even my mom liked her.
CLAIRE reacts. Has Frechette really gotten to Trevor's core?TREVOR (cont'd) Everyone did. So beautiful, innocent. I loved her so much... I wish the pain would go away. I want everyone's pain to go away...
CLAIRE bites her upper lip, decides not to say a word.FRECHETTE Tell me her name.
TREVOR But we were never happier than the time we went to Club Med together. We swam, rubbed lotion on each other, drank Mai-Tais, rubbed lotion on each other... She surprised me with the tickets. Two first class tickets. She knew how the winters make me suffer.
Trevor recognizes that Maggie is attempting to justify her feelings about Andrew. His responses are supportive, but knowing.TREVOR Darts. Now there's a sharp, pointy thing with a positive purpose. Unlike your damn needles.
MAGGIE Needles don't poke people; people poke people.
TREVOR Not often enough, if you ask me. But as long as we're on the topic, how's your favorite poker... player.
MAGGIE He's fun. We're having a lot of fun. It's spontaneous, you know... Fun.
(unintentionally unconvincing)
MAGGIE SIGHS. Maybe Trevor's right.TREVOR I'm picking up fun.
MAGGIE He takes things lightly.
TREVOR This would be part of the fun...
(beat)
I want your but.
MAGGIE You want my butt?
TREVOR It's a huge "but."
MAGGIE Y'know, when I'm taking your blood, one air bubble in your veins and it's over.
(warning him)
TREVOR He's fun, spontaneous and a laugh riot, BUT, he makes fur coats out of Dalmations. BUT, he likes you to wear a boy scout uniform. BUT, his favorite band is REO Speedwagon.
MAGGIE He's fun, spontaneous and a laugh riot. But, I don't think he loves me anymore.
TREVOR What's makes you say that?
MAGGIE All the little things have just... stopped. Postcards. Chocolate. Fresh fruit. I have to scrape my own windshield.
TREVOR Tell him.
MAGGIE See, it's hard. We never talked about those things. It was sort of our romantic little secret.
TREVOR So, maybe he thought you didn't appreciate him. Maybe he's crying in his beer right now: "I did all these stupid --
MAGGIE Romantic --
TREVOR Little things and she never said thanks.
Off Maggie considering...MAGGIE I'll tell him tomorrow.
TREVOR Tell him tonight.
MAGGIE Interrupt his precious Thursday night poker game?
TREVOR Hey, it's just a bunch of guys losing money, right?
The violin riffing is cut short. The Attractive Blonde steps away from the door to...ATTRACTIVE BLONDE Andy, it's some girl.
He can't think of anything else to say as he comes to the door. His violin is in one hand, his bow in the other.ANDREW Maggie.
ANDREW has no idea what she's talking about, and it shows.MAGGIE When you quit loving me, why didn't you just say it was over?
ANDREW I haven't. Quit loving you, I mean. I know this looks --
MAGGIE It was so obvious. When everything stopped -- the windshield...
ANDREW What?
MAGGIE And the fruit. The chocolate. The postcards.
As Andrew stands there, Maggie has an epiphany.ANDREW Uh...
Standing there helpless with the violin in one hand and the bow in the other, Andrew scratches the back of his calf with his other stocking-covered foot.MAGGIE You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
And those are the final words Maggie will share with Andrew. She turns and moves down the hall away from him. WE STAY on Andrew watching her go, his expression melancholy.MAGGIE (cont'd) You're a grasshopper, Andrew.
INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - NIGHTATTRACTIVE BLONDE What'd she call you?
ANDREW A grasshopper.
(what the hell?)
TREVOR goes to his bedroom. There's a KNOCK at the door. Champ answers. It's Lorna, carrying a bag of something. She buzzes in, kisses Champ.CHAMP Lorna's coming up.
TREVOR Sugar Mama's here? I'll clear off a spot on the couch so you two can "work."
(enjoying this)
CHAMP I can't believe I'm saying this, but... please stay.
TREVOR Nope. You're on your own, son.
As Champ absorbs this great news...LORNA I come bearing news.
CHAMP You heard from the Ford people?
LORNA Normally when I've got news this good for a client, I like to treat them to a fabulous dinner at Les Deux. But in this case, I'm thinking maybe a quiet celebration here with just you and me and this bottle of Dom Perignon would be a better idea.
CHAMP I got the spot?
LORNA You did. Congratulations.
LORNA's nervous -- is she moving things too quickly?CHAMP Let's go out. We'll have a great dinner. I'm buying.
Hard to refuse. She pulls a second bottle of Dom out.LORNA I was more thinking we could stay in.
CHAMP Oh.
LORNA Is that all right?
LORNA is worried she might be pushing too hard. And Champ isn't at all sure what this relationship is based on. He makes his own decision.CHAMP Two bottles. We are celebrating.
LORNA We don't have to drink it all tonight.
(blushing)
They kiss.CHAMP Mimosas for breakfast?
TIM's head whips up.MAGGIE (O.S.) Nice surprise, huh?
(re: the windshield)
TIM is speechless.MAGGIE (cont'd) No one's done that for me for... oh... how long ago did you quit, Tim?
TIM Nine days ago.
(uncomfortably)
MAGGIE Nine days. Yeah. Weird. That's how long it's been since anyone's scraped my windshield.
(beat)
I always thought that Starry Night poster was Andrew's.
MAGGIE now stands just on the other side of Tim's car. She smiles big. The cat's out of the bag. Tim realizes there's nothing to be nervous about. For the first time in the scene, he allows himself to smile.MAGGIE Why'd you quit, Tim?
TIM Uh, that's complicated. Lots of things.
MAGGIE Andrew said something about you being in love with someone at the hospital.
TIM Oh, yeah. Well... there was that.
TIM opens his car door, unlocks the passenger door electronically.MAGGIE You already found a new job, huh?
(re: his thermos)
TIM Yeah.
MAGGIE Whaddya say you call in sick. Play hooky. We could get to know each other.
TIM and Maggie share a smile as they get in the car. The camera stays outside, we just hear them.TIM I may not even call in.
As the car pulls away, the final image is of her reaching up and obliterating all semblance of the razor-sharp part in Tim's hair.MAGGIE We'll stop at a payphone.
TIM That'd probably be best.
He makes vaguely suggestive motions which Claire stops.TREVOR I'm glad you were cleared, but I found it a little insulting that nobody thought we'd ever --
GLENDA hurries by them, carrying her box of belongings.CLAIRE Really? I was mortified that anyone even felt they had to investigate.
TREVOR "shivers" in fear. Glenda heads off.GLENDA It's a sad state of affairs when a lunatic can get someone fired.
(to Trevor)
CLAIRE Glenda, it was me who got you fired for stealing a confidential file. If you're going to break into people's offices, you should glue those nails on tighter.
GLENDA I want you to know I'm going to dedicate my life to proving you two are fooling around. Then I'll get my job back.
CLAIRE pokes Trevor. Frechette is coming toward them. Trevor smiles at CLAIRE. Claire sees what's coming.TREVOR Imagine what the bad witch must be like.
(re: the departing Glenda)
(then, back on the topic)
I could've gotten you fired if I'd wanted.
Too late. Trevor rushes up to Frechette, the very picture of unhappiness.CLAIRE (cont'd) Trevor... don't gloat.
He points to Claire, who has decided, for once, just to enjoy Trevor in full Trevor mode.TREVOR (cont'd) Dr. Frechette! I just got the news! They can't do this can they? Keep us apart? Make me go back to her?
(distraught)
TREVOR grabs Ian's lapels.FRECHETTE It was always an interim arrangement. I'm glad we made some progress --
TREVOR pretends to be a HYP-NO-TIZED zombie.TREVOR She doesn't understand me the way you do! She makes me work and strive to get better! With you, I just take a nap and have the nicest dreams...
FRECHETTE Dreams?
FRECHETTE realizes Trevor had him fooled.TREVOR (cont'd) I'm going down the stairs! Down, down, DOWN! I'm a baby! I'm a sperm!
FRECHETTE shakes his head and moves down the hallway. Trevor returns his attention to Claire. They continue down the hallway. WE STAY on their backs -- an EXIT sign represents the sunset in this scenario.CLAIRE Don't worry about it, Ian. He's a tough nut to crack.
FRECHETTE He was in the trance. I could tell.
TREVOR I'm a god, Dr. Frechette. We invented trances so you people could see us, not the other way around.
TREVOR whispers to one of the walls.TREVOR (cont'd) Now, about Club Med...
CLAIRE The walls have ears, Trevor.
CLAIRE looks over to regard him. Notices he's DOING SOMETHING straight out of the Ministry of Silly Walks.TREVOR The woman is insatiable, unquenchable, a black hole of sexual desire.
CLAIRE You know, from time to time, I forget that you're a mental patient. Then you do something that brings it all back into focus.
TREVOR Really? Like what?
CLAIRE pushes open the double door at the end of the hallway. Trevor follows her out.CLAIRE Oh, stuff.
FADE TO BLACK: