Her hand slowly traces a line down his chest then disappears under the covers.CLAIRE You are so good.
ALEX What?
CLAIRE You.
ALEX Just good?
CLAIRE Oh, you feel like shooting for great?
ALEX I feel I have been shooting for great. Yes.
CLAIRE Yes.
(giggles)
ALEX Four...
CLAIRE Actually five.
ALEX Five. Five.
(in a very content voice)
By Alex's reaction we know where her hand went.CLAIRE Do you think that six would violate some law of physics I don't know about?
She starts kissing his chest.ALEX Is this why they called you "Sparky" as a kid?
CLAIRE Yeah, Alex, it's my unquenchable sexual appetite at age seven. You see, kids can be very cruel.
ALEX I knew you had an intriguing childhood. No, seriously, where did the nickname come from?
(smiles)
CLAIRE Ohh! I don't even know why I ever mentioned it.
He gives her a quick kiss.ALEX See, this--this is surplus pep. Are you, like, doing the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally?
(enjoying the kisses)
CLAIRE Oh, Alex, you give my acting ability far too much credit.
(smiles)
ALEX Good. Good.
Gives another kiss then closes eyes and settles in for the night. Claire just looks at him.ALEX Good.
Alex opens his eyes.CLAIRE I am so lucky, you know that?
ALEX Mm-hmm.
CLAIRE You're a great cuddler.
She giggles as he leans over her and they start kissing.ALEX What did you just call me?
CLAIRE A cuddler.
ALEX Oh no. No, no.
(laughs)
You don't call me that.
CLAIRE No?
ALEX Mm-mm.
CLAIRE Whatcha gonna do about it?
(coquettishly)
ALEX I'll show you.
FADE OUT
Trevor enters the apartment closing the door behind him.TREVOR Uh, neighbourhood voyeur.
When Chris disappears around the corner, Champ's smile fades. He looks at his door with an annoyed expression. He didn't appreciate Trevor's interuption.CHRIS I, uh... I should be getting upstairs.
(starts walking away)
Bye.
Trevor goes to the fridge and grabs a couple of bottles of beer.CHAMP If you really were a god you'd have a lot better timing than that.
TREVOR That's what second dates are for. There will be a second date?
CHAMP No comment.
TREVOR No comment? You live with the God of Love and you're not even willing to suckle at the teat of my wisdom.
Trevor hands Champ a beer.CHAMP Listen, I asked her out on my own terms, okay. There are no beads for you here. I'm not gonna be a part of your hundred couples. So do me a favour by keeping your Cupid ass outta my love life.
Trevor heads to his room.TREVOR Wow! I don't know if the family business will survive without your patronage but we're gonna give it a shot.
CHAMP You talk the talk but I can't recall hearing the squeaks of springs coming out of your room.
TREVOR That is a conscious decision, my friend. I could have this place looking like the junior prom on Ecstasy if I wanted.
CHAMP What's holding you back?
TREVOR The Prime Directive.
CHAMP Well, that explains why you won't let me borrow your phaser.
TREVOR Not Star Trek. Memo from Zeus - No shagging the livestock.
CHAMP And by livestock you mean...?
TREVOR Mortals.
Trevor comes back.CHAMP (to himself)
(sighs)
Count to ten.
(calling after Trevor)
Admit it. You're making this up as you go along. The Greek Gods were always slipping off the mountain to make it with the farmer's daughter.
Trevor starts to carefully peel the label of his beer.TREVOR To the Bacchanal that once was. It is not that way anymore. If I make it with a human I lose my immortality. End of story.
(raises his beer)
CHAMP So, if you slip suddenly you become Trevor Hale, bartender.
TREVOR Trevor Hale, chronically depressed five thousand year old bartender, yeah.
EXT. CHICAGO PARK - DAYCHAMP Well, you know what they say about people who peel the labels off of beer bottles.
TREVOR We're a dexterous lot?
CHAMP This omniscience of yours, kinda comes and goes, doesn't it.
He kisses her.CLAIRE Do you know how happy I am right now?
ALEX I think I have a pretty good idea. Do you have any plans for Saturday?
CLAIRE No, but I thought it was your "He-man, woman-haters" club getaway weekend? You know, college football, tailgating, um, poker, uh, arm wrestling, tobacco chewing, chest hair comparing...
ALEX Lunch at Hooters.
CLAIRE Yeah.
ALEX It was.
CLAIRE What? Did it get cancelled?
ALEX Not exactly.
CLAIRE Well?
ALEX Don't make me say it.
CLAIRE Say what?
ALEX I'd rather stay in town... with you.
CLAIRE Oh. That's great, Alex. You know, there's this flea market I've been dying to...
ALEX Don't make me regret it.
CLAIRE Okay, never mind.
ALEX You know, the weather's gonna hold through till tomorrow, so we should do this again.
CLAIRE Yeah, we should. No we can't. Trevor found this totally authentic gyro stand and I told him we'd check it out.
ALEX You know, for someone with a boyfriend as pliable as yours, you spend an awful lot of time with this guy and a less secure man could get jealous.
CLAIRE Of Trevor?!
(laughs)
ALEX Yeah.
CLAIRE I appreciate the sentiment, but you have, like, nothing to worry about.
ALEX Why?
CLAIRE Uh...
(pauses)
He's a patient. Well, no not exactly a patient. He was released from Lakeview and placed under my supervision. We don't have regular sessions, or anything. He's just a bit deluded.
ALEX Deluded how?
CLAIRE He thinks he's Cupid.
ALEX Cupid? Well, he did introduce us.
CLAIRE What, you're not saying... you really... well, I mean, he did kinda introduce us...
He kisses her, again.CLAIRE I'm seeing you anyway...
They kiss.CLAIRE But he's not Cupid.
ALEX He could be.
(playfully)
CLAIRE No, I don't think so.
Helen looks confused.TREVOR Leather Tuscadero?
Trevor and Helen hug.TREVOR I can't believe it. Don't you remember? Junior high, spin the bottle parties? Hello?
HELEN Oh my god! Carmine! Carmine Raguso! Ohh!
(getting it)
Trevor leads her back to the bar leaving her dance partner very confused. But don't feel to bad for him because he just turns around and starts dancing with someone else.TREVOR The Big Ragu.
HELEN Yeah.
TREVOR Come on.
She laughs as she takes a seat at the bar. Trevor takes his place behind the bar.HELEN Hey, you know, I've always been sorry we never had those three minutes alone in the closet.
TREVOR Three minutes would not have been enough. I'd needed three weeks!
He moves to the other side of the bar to make her drink. As he walks away Helen checks out his ass.HELEN So, you don't exactly look like you went to Vassar. How'd you learn to spot the loser dance?
TREVOR Well, you did not look like you were having a good time with Bluto out there.
HELEN God, was I that obvious?
TREVOR Crickets trapped in fruit jars have exuded more joy.
(she laughs)
Besides, the flailing "L" kinda sealed the deal.
(imitates her dance)
Frightening. Also, I don't think you two belong together.
HELEN Oh really? You make these decisions all on your own. Who belongs with whom.
TREVOR Part of the job.
HELEN Really? I thought your job was getting me a drink.
(flirtatiously)
TREVOR Anything in particular?
HELEN I am really, really in the mood for a screwdriver.
(very flirtatiously)
TREVOR Only because you asked so nicely.
He moves back and places her drink on the bar.TREVOR So, saving you from the walking grope and buying you this drink earns me a name.
HELEN It's Helen. Helen Davis.
She smiles.TREVOR Helen. I knew a Helen once. Beautiful face. Bit of a trouble maker, though.
She laughs.TREVOR Alright, let's see, the best place?
HELEN Yeah.
TREVOR Inside of the Parthenon, no doubt. Amazing lady. Amazing atmosphere.
HELEN The Parthenon?
TREVOR Yes.
HELEN In Greece.
TREVOR Yes indeed.
HELEN That's impressive.
TREVOR Well...
HELEN They watch over that place very closely. A couple of my college roommates tried to throw a rave there once.
TREVOR Yeah?
HELEN It didn't go over so well on the local authorities.
TREVOR Well, this was a while ago. Security wasn't so tight. What about you? Best place?
(teasing her a bit)
Pick-up truck? Gas station bathroom?
HELEN Oh stop it. Come on, you're flattering me...
(laughing)
TREVOR (cont'd) 50-yard line? Golf course? Which was it?
HELEN (cont'd) You're flattering me here.
(smiles)
Actually, I was on a raft.
TREVOR A raft?
HELEN In the lake.
TREVOR Mm-hmm?
HELEN Mm-hmm. I was nineteen, swimming with Corbin Larson. Oh, a perfect night. There was this huge meteor shower, like, shooting stars everywhere. I saw this one... it must have burned for, like, ten seconds. Finally, I broke the silence by saying... Ha! God! I'll never forget this.
(sighs)
"The long slow ones are the best."
Champ walks into the background.TREVOR You are correct. And...?
HELEN And? Oh, well, Corbin Larson proved me right.
TREVOR Good work, Corbin.
People start to leave.CHAMP Okay people! Finish 'em up! Don't care where you go but...
CHAMP/EVERYONE (except Trevor and Helen) You can't stay here!
(simultaneous)
She turns to see a group of young men still sitting at a table.HELEN So, how long is it going to take you to clean up and get out of here? Hmm?
TREVOR Uh...
HELEN I mean, it's a little cold to skinny dip, but maybe we could... you know.
TREVOR The Kappa Alpha males back there are getting very clingy with their pitcher...
Trevor leaves the bar. Champ is walking by when Helen calls him over.TREVOR (cont'd) So, I--I can't... there's no way of telling how long I'll be here.
HELEN Well, if I ever make it to the Parthenon, I'll look you up.
TREVOR Okay.
HELEN Okay.
TREVOR All right.
INT. CUPPA JAVA - NIGHTHELEN Hey.
CHAMP Sorry, it was last call.
HELEN No, no, no. I don't need another drink. Listen, tell me everything you know about him. Hmm?
(points to Trevor)
Where does he live? Where does he like to hang out? What does he like for breakfast?
(smiles)
What's his name?
Some chuckles from the group.TINA Someone told me that if you put a marble in a jar each time you have sex during the first year of a relationship and then take one out each time you have sex after that first year you never run out of marbles.
CLAIRE It sounds like an urban myth to me, Tina.
TINA Oh.
CLAIRE Are you concerned that sexual frequency will subside in a long term relationship?
TINA No, I'm worried that I didn't get enough during the first year.
Some mumbles of amazement from the group.TINA What would you say is an average amount?
CLAIRE Uh, well that varies from couple to couple.
LAURENCE Ah, and when forced to choose an actual digit of new relationship sexual frequency, our relationship expert said...?
CLAIRE Well, I don't like the word "average", but in a new relationship I'd guess... eight maybe ten times a week wouldn't be too much of a stretch.
Laughs.LAURENCE Eight to ten?!
NICK The above average test group is now receiving oxygen and unavailable for comment.
That gets a couple of laughs.CLAIRE Well, I guess that could be a little high.
TREVOR What about your new relationship, Claire? You losing your marbles?
CLAIRE My marbles are none of your business, Trevor.
TREVOR So it's tell all hour for everyone in here except for the only one who has anything to tell.
LAURENCE Hey, I resent the accuracy of that statement.
TREVOR Then go out, you, everyone and exercise your option to have sex.
MIKE Would that be the telephone option or the inflatable option?
Lots of shaking of heads in the group, except for one. Introduce SAM.TREVOR Love is war, you guys, and this room is Switzerland.
NICK Sounds like someone's not getting any.
TREVOR Correct sir! Neither are you or anyone else in here, but you all can go get some.
Trevor looks intrigued.SAM No, he's got a point. A couple of weeks ago, just to build up my confidence, I enrolled in this class that teaches this technique called "Sure Score", and the things I've seen are mind-blowing.
CLAIRE Well, it's more like drug free Rohipnol. I wrote an article about it a couple years back. Some of it is pretty disturbing stuff.
SAM I haven't actually used the Sure Score technique, yet. I figured I could use all the advice I could get then figure out what the right thing was for myself. Some of the tactics are borderline. It involves a lot of mental suggestion and subliminal imagery and sexual innuendo.
TINA You hypnotize women?
MIKE Cool!
CLAIRE Michael.
Trevor points to a beautiful woman alone at the far end of the bar. The woman is wearing a very expensive looking dress and even more expensive jewelry.TREVOR So, you're carrying around a magic wand, right, and yet you're not even the least bit curious as to what happens when you bonk someone over the head with it?
SAM Well, you know, mostly I'm still trying to figure out how it works.
TREVOR Trial and error, mi amigo, trial and error.
Trevor looks at Sam then to the woman then back to Sam.TREVOR Right there.
SAM Is there a woman behind the jewelry?
TREVOR Definitely.
Sam gets up and walks over to the woman.SAM What? Now?
TREVOR No, no, let's wait till we're all a little bit older. Yeah.
SAM All right.
She slowly turns her head to look at him. She doesn't look impressed.SAM Uh, excuse me?
He offers a handshake. She leaves him hanging.SAM I noticed you sitting here by yourself and I knew I had to come and talk to you. I'm Sam.
OVER BY THE DOORSAM I just feel there's this bond between you and I.
Champ looks over to where Trevor points.TREVOR Check this out.
CHAMP Trevor, I'm busy here, okay.
TREVOR See the guy down there chatting up the talent? See, he's using this technique he learned in some class.
Sam leaves the woman and starts walking over to Trevor and Champ.CHAMP It better be pretty good because he's using it on the Frigid Heiress. That girl's sent many a soldier home in a body bag.
TREVOR Well, if my boy can conquer Iceland over there I'll train a whole battalion of them. My days on Earth will be numbered.
CHAMP Wait a minute, I thought your ticket home depended on true love not just one night stands.
TREVOR The way to a man's heart has very little to do with his stomach.
Sam holds up a napkin with a phone number and a kiss mark on it.CHAMP Well, that was pretty quick, buddy. Usually she wrings a drink outta ya before shipping you out.
Champ looks a little dumbfounded as Trevor and Sam exit.CHAMP Her number?
TREVOR Time to find a new roommate. I'm going home.
(to Sam)
That's good work.
SAM Nice meeting you.
(to Champ)
FADE OUT
Trevor looks up and sees Helen jogging towards him. She's wearing a spandex jogging outfit.HELEN Hey, Trevor!
She joins him on the bench.TREVOR Hey.
HELEN Hey. You live around here?
TREVOR Not for long, no.
A tubby man dressed in a purple jogging suit is out on a run with his dog. This is the guy Trevor's been waiting for. Of course the man doesn't know that.HELEN What's with the chart?
(noticing his notebook)
TREVOR Uh, we take our neighbourhood watch very seriously around here. You're not in here. Some fitness kick you got goin'?
HELEN Nah, it's a new route. What, are you protecting the neighbourhood from psychotic joggers?
TREVOR Just doing my job.
HELEN Yeah?
TREVOR Yeah.
(dog bark)
The man and his dog disappear around a corner.TREVOR Hey Big Man. One more time around, all right.
PURPLE JOGGER What? Why?
(huffing and puffing)
TREVOR Two hundred calories isn't reason enough? Let's go! Feel the burn, purple man!
They look at each other for a moment. (Man! She has clearest blue eyes I ever did see!)HELEN That a friend of yours.
TREVOR Just may be, yeah. So, what's the upside of jogging, by the way? Near as I can see it's just an excuse to cruise the park in too little clothing.
HELEN Oh, spandex a little to risqué for you?
TREVOR No, I was actually referring to Cannon Ball Run over there.
(she laughs)
He needs to put more clothes on.
HELEN Well, I'm actually training for a marathon.
TREVOR Yeah?
HELEN Yeah.
TREVOR It's a myth, the marathon. No one actually ran the whole thing.
HELEN Oh, really?
TREVOR The ancient Greeks?
HELEN Uh-huh?
TREVOR Cheated. Stashed the horses outside the palace. Gave them a few extra hours of personal time.
HELEN Hmm. Which they used for...?
TREVOR The usual: making baklava, building wooden horses, deflowering the...
There's a moment of silence as they look at each other. Then it looks like they're about to kiss but Trevor hears some dogs barking and sees something behind her.TREVOR ...flowers.
HELEN Oh. Dedicated guys those messengers, huh?
She thought they were going to kiss. She's smiling but she's puzzled. She turns to see what's he's looking at. The Purple Jogger and his dog have run into a lady and her dog. They start a conversation. Pleased with the results, Trevor writes something down in his notebook.TREVOR Boom.
HELEN What...
(amusingly surprised)
The new couple walk by Trevor and Helen. Helen looks at Trevor then the couple as they walk by. She's still smiling but doesn't understand what just happened. Trevor notices something written on Helen's hand.LADY Oh, nice doggie.
(pets his dog)
What's his name?
PURPLE JOGGER Rex. What's yours?
LADY Trixie. She's a good girl.
They look at each other for a moment. She obviously wants him. He's obviously trying to control himself.TREVOR Locker combination?
HELEN No.
(show her hand)
Look familiar?
(in a flirtatious manner)
It's your address.
Gets up and starts walking away.TREVOR Look, I--I got to go shower. Hopefully my roommate used up all the hot water by now.
HELEN Ohh.
(disappointed)
INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - JUMP CUTTREVOR I'll see you around.
HELEN Okay.
TREVOR Bye, bye.
HELEN Okay. Bye.
TREVOR See ya.
INT. CLAIRE'S TOWNHOUSE - NIGHTTREVOR Starts with post-it notes, before you know it you're onto the hard stuff. Glue sticks, felt pens.
CHAMP God almighty.
TREVOR Finally! Some respect.
CHAMP It's an invitation.
TREVOR Mm-hmm. Hoping for a little eau de upstairs neighbour. You gonna thump her melons?
CHAMP Thump her melons? Who are you? Anthony Michael Hall?
TREVOR Well, I guess that's a no. If you don't get busy soon, we're use you to appease the volcano gods.
She opens the door.CLAIRE You're a bit early there, tiger.
Claire walks away to a back room. Trevor enters and makes his way to the living room and takes a seat on the couch.TREVOR Rrr-rar! Sorry pumpkin pie, traffic was light. If you need to finish getting dressed I can watch.
Claire enters the living room wearing a very lovely fur trimmed top.CLAIRE (O.S.) Trevor, it is not a good time. I am running late, as it is.
TREVOR You said I was early.
CLAIRE (O.S.) You are early. I'm late. Wait a minute. You are neither early or late. What you are is... unexpected. Uninvited.
TREVOR Under appreciated.
CLAIRE (O.S.) Undeterred.
TREVOR Unflappable.
She pours herself a glass of wine then walks over to where Trevor is sitting.CLAIRE Unctuous.
TREVOR Underwear-less.
CLAIRE Uncle, okay. Trevor, why are you here?
He moves his feet off the couch and onto her coffee table.TREVOR I need your advice.
CLAIRE (sighs) I'm closed.
TREVOR You know, I bet the observation deck at the Sears Tower is still open.
CLAIRE For introspection or this just a veiled threat to throw yourself off?
TREVOR Which ever gets your undivided attention. Throwing myself off would be pointless. Immortal, remember?
CLAIRE Oh yes, of course.
(gestures for him to get his legs of her couch)
Move. Move. Move!
He complies.CLAIRE Again please move the feet.
(sits down)
She disappears for a moment.CLAIRE Look, Trevor...
TREVOR Yes.
CLAIRE If you are seriously asking for my advice I am more than willing to listen.
TREVOR Here's the thing, I'm supposed to be making it possible for people, present company un-excepted, to fornicate like pornstars. Meanwhile, I'm getting forearms like Popeye...
CLAIRE Okay, clearly you are not being serious.
(standing up)
TREVOR Dumbbells. Dumbbell curls.
CLAIRE What are you, handcuffed to your sofa?
She returns holding two pairs of shoes.TREVOR I wish. This is my worst drought in several thousand years. Do you know how hard it is to have women throwing themselves at your feet and for you to be unable to accommodate them?
Claire puts on the black pumps.CLAIRE There's a prescription for that now.
(holds up the shoes)
Here, make yourself useful. Which shoes?
TREVOR It's all Zeus' fault. Gallivanting around the country like some horny version of Manimal. One bad experience with Catherine the Great, cuts the rest of us off. Red pumps.
Claire goes to open the door. Trevor takes off his jacket, gets the glass of wine on the coffee table and makes himself comfortable on the couch.CLAIRE Look, Alex is gonna be here any...
(the doorbell rings)
...now. And we're meeting people for dinner in half an hour.
TREVOR That's nice. Where are you going?
CLAIRE Shut up.
TREVOR All right
They kiss. Then Alex notices Trevor on the couch.ALEX Hey.
CLAIRE Hey. How are you?
ALEX Good.
Trevor realizes that Alex knows about his doctor-patient relationship with Claire.ALEX Trevor?
TREVOR Hey. We're having a little heart to, uh, cardio-muscle.
ALEX Great.
CLAIRE So, Trevor was just leaving. You ready?
TREVOR Yeah, I was just gonna wander around. Do some dumbbell curls.
ALEX Hey, look if you need to stick around, we can do dinner another time.
(to Claire)
TREVOR You're a good egg, DeMuoy.
CLAIRE No, no, Alex, it's fine, really.
ALEX No, if you're in the middle of counselling...
CLAIRE No, no. Not in the middle of anything. It's over.
Trevor gets up, grabs his jacket and heads to the door.TREVOR You don't gotta tell me twice.
Trevor leaves. Claire and Alex are about to kiss when Trevor pops back in.TREVOR Yeah. All right, kids. So, I don't wanna cramp your style.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - JUMP CUTTREVOR Shotgun!
CLAIRE Go away.
She giggles a bit, then returns to her job. Trevor sits next to Sam and notices how he looks at Alice as she walks away.SAM So he turns to her and says, "If you don't leave right now, you'll have to get a ride with Senator Kennedy.".
They get up and leave.SAM She's special.
TREVOR She rode that school bus, huh? So, you gonna use the magic words?
SAM No, uh, with Alice I'm going to take Dr. Allen's advice. I'm gonna treat her with respect. Establish common ground. Impress her with my sincerity.
TREVOR Great. Maybe for those six months she shacks up on the Oasis tour bus, she'll let you dog sit for her. That'd be nice for you, you know. Let's get outta here. I don't wanna be late.
She doesn't notice him.SAM See ya.
(waves to Alice)
There are some giggles from the more nerdy of the students.INSTRUCTOR We're gonna go over this and over this until it's a reflex. The three major points of the first meeting: 1) Eye contact. Never break it. Your target's eyes are all you see. 2) Touch. Type this - Don't be afraid to touch her. Be smart. No erogenous zones in the first five to ten minutes but hands, upper arms... her stomach, okay.
Trevor leans over to Sam.INSTRUCTOR (cont'd) 3) Vocabulary. What she doesn't know you're saying is the key. The power of suggestion. Does she like classic movies? Ask her if she wants to see Shaft...
INT. HALLWAY TO CHRIS' APARTMENT - DAYTREVOR So you're telling me that these guys get dates?
(whisper)
SAM Oh yeah. They get more than dates, Trevor.
(whisper)
TREVOR Can you imagine this stuff in the hands of non-repulsive men.
(whisper)
SAM Hey!
(whisper)
TREVOR Oh, no offense.
(whisper)
NERDY STUDENT Shhh.
He kisses her hand.CHRIS Can I help you?
(smiling)
CHAMP Ahem, my lady, I humbly request the honour of your presence at my table tomorrow evening.
(in his Shakespearean voice)
CHRIS Ooh.
CHAMP (cont'd) I would be pleased should you find yourself at liberty to attend.
CHRIS Bitchin'! And why don't you drop by for a couple of brewskies before we chow.
CHAMP T'would be my pleasure.
She giggles a bit as she heads to her door.CHRIS Six thirty?
CHAMP Six thirty it is.
Champ has a very big smile on his face as he heads to the stairs.CHRIS Lancelot.
(before she enters)
Sam looks devastated. It was such an obvious lie.SAM Alice.
ALICE Sam. Cappuccino?
SAM I'm not catching you at a bad time, am I?
ALICE Bad time?
SAM Well, I-- I mean, I'm not invading your personal, private space, right? I--I was just wondering, I just got these tickets from work, uh, it's sort of a last minute kinda thing and, well, I know how much we both like music and they're for the symphony and I thought maybe you'd like to come... tonight... to the concert.
(awkward pause)
I think it's Mozart.
ALICE Sam, you know I'd really love to but, um...
(trying to think up an excuse)
(looks at her co-worker)
I already have plans tonight. See, Donna and I are going out.
Sam exits.ALICE She just broke up with her boyfriend and she's not taking it real well, so...
SAM I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe some other time.
ALICE Yeah, sure.
SAM See ya.
The room is just about empty as Trevor walks up to Claire. He gets half-way to her and stops when from the doorway Alex calls out.CLAIRE Bye, guys.
Alex walks right past Trevor and gives Claire a big kiss.ALEX Hey, Sparky.
CLAIRE Oh. You have no idea how happy I am Trevor just heard you call me that.
Trevor exits leaving the couple to their lovey-dovey stuff.TREVOR Wow, you know what Big Al, Sparky and I were just about to be in the middle of something, so...
CLAIRE You know, I read your article today about the blind woman that won the lottery.
(ignoring Trevor)
ALEX You didn't think it was too sad?
CLAIRE No, I cried.
ALEX You did?
CLAIRE Yeah.
TREVOR You know what kids, I'd love to stick around but I promised a couple of skate buffs that I would (does a spray can sound) tag a few L-stops. Wanna come along? No.
Trevor goes to re-enter the building.SAM Hey, Trevor.
TREVOR Hey, Kreskin. Missed you in the big funhouse tonight.
SAM Well, I wasn't really in the mood. I asked Alice out. It didn't go particularly well.
TREVOR Of course it didn't. That's what you get for believing to Dr. Claire Allen. Time to use those magic words.
SAM Yeah, I don't know about that, Trevor.
TREVOR Don't know about what?
SAM Well, it occurs to me that, the Sure Score thing, it may not be quite honest.
TREVOR (laughing) Honest. Of course it's not honest. You don't understand the concept of the early stages of a relationship. People lie, people forget their friends, people break the Hippocratic Oath. All right, you see Carmen Diaz in a keg line, what's the first thing you do?
SAM Rub my eyes?
TREVOR You give her a little harmless truth enhancement.
SAM Truth enhancement?
TREVOR Sure score! You tell her you cried at the end of Charlotte's Web...
SAM I did cry at the end of Charlotte's Web.
TREVOR You leave the word "assistant" off your job title. You break the ice. She'll get to know the real you later, all right.
(rubs his shoulders)
I'm freezing. I'm going in to get my coat. When I come out, you're in that coffee shop.
INT. CUPPA JAVA - JUMP CUTTREVOR Sure Score, baby!
From behind a couch, Claire sits up. She's naked and on top of Alex. She quickly covers up her breasts.(woman moaning)
TREVOR Somebody order a pizza?
She grabs her blouse to cover herself up. Then, Alex's head appears from behind the couch. He doesn't look to pleased about the interruption. Trevor, also, looks not too pleased about what he's seen.CLAIRE Oh my god.
FADE OUT
He steps close to her. He begins to talk in a very subdued manner, almost hypnotic.ALICE Aren't you suppose to be at the, uh, the symphony? I mean, those tickets, right?
SAM Shhh.
She nods.SAM I feel like there's this bond between you and I. I mean, a bond. You felt something like that before, right? Maybe when you were a child you had stuffed animals, right?
ALICE Sure. Tons.
SAM Okay. And you had a favourite.
ALICE Yeah, a bunny.
SAM A bunny.
ALICE Frederique. I had this french thing.
SAM I had this demented mouse thing. It was really a pillow with the ears and eyes and a tail and that was it. George. Like Frederique. You'd whisper your secrets and desires into his ears. You buried your nose in his downy belly and you wrapped yourself around him and you slept with him and it made you feel good.
(touches her cheek)
Safe.
(looks deeply into her eyes)
And protected, right?
CUT TO BLACKSAM That's all I want you to feel.
INT. TREVOR'S BEDROOM - DAYWOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) Right there. Right there. Right there.
(still breathing hard)
(buzz, buzz, buzz...)
EXT. FIRE ESCAPE - JUMP CUT(Trevor's sigh)
Trevor watches as Helen jogs off. Then pretends to blow his brains out with his finger. He looks up to the sky and shakes his head.TREVOR Why couldn't you have sent me back to Earth during Victorian times?
(looks up to the sky)
HELEN Trevor!
TREVOR Helen!
HELEN Hey, whatcha you got under there?
TREVOR Strangely enough, it's a Deputy Dog costume.
HELEN Hmmm, kinky.
TREVOR Training for the marathon?
HELEN Yeah, but the real kind, like the Greeks. I've stashed my Pinto and I'm looking to make some baklava.
TREVOR See now, it sounds dirty when you say it.
HELEN See, it's supposed to. You gonna invite me up?
TREVOR You're welcome here any time, I just would have to kick out an entire battalion of girl scouts first.
(she laughs)
So many badges, so little time.
HELEN Rain check then.
TREVOR Rain check.
HELEN See ya.
TREVOR See ya.
Trevor appears from out of nowhere and begins walking with her.CLAIRE I wanna be yours, pretty baby
(singing)
Yours and yours alone
I'm here to tell ya, honey...
They stop walking.TREVOR Hey, Sparky. If you're gonna insist on doing embarrassing things in public, you might want to think about these fun little inventions called "locks".
CLAIRE Should I lob self-deprecating, set-up lines to you, or would you prefer just to riff on your own.
TREVOR You know what, you've given me more than enough material, but now that I've seen you naked, my repertoire has expanded, immensely.
CLAIRE You haven't seen anything, Trevor.
(groans)
TREVOR I saw your mole.
CLAIRE Okay, fine. What, are you here to mock me?
TREVOR No, I'm actually here because I haven't gotten an apology from you.
Claire tries to give an explanation.CLAIRE An apology?
TREVOR Yeah, you know, starts off with "I'm sorry" and then it goes on to explain your understanding of the offense in question.
CLAIRE Offense in question?
TREVOR Yeah.
CLAIRE Look, Trevor...
(sighs)
I am embarrassed that you walked in on Alex and me and I guess I am sorry that it happened, but I don't see where an apology comes in. Love is about heat, right? Who told me that? Oh wait, wait! I remember. It was you! Okay? Well, I got the heat now, Trevor. You of all people should be happy for me. And I can't understand why you're not thanking your lucky stars that you're one bead closer to getting me out of your life.
TREVOR Impressive speech. Really, but that's not actually why I'm here. I was wondering why you told Clark Kent all about my medical history.
(claps)
But she can't because she realizes she was wrong.CLAIRE Well, Alex thought... and I didn't want Alex to think that you and I... in any... I...
Trevor turns and walks away.TREVOR That's a hell of an apology.
INT. HALLWAY TO CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - NIGHTTREVOR Eye contact is key and your words, you want to plant a few things that have a little, you know, like innuendo, maybe tell her a sailor story. Something where you can possibly mention knob polishing. Ask her to swab your deck.
CHAMP How many times do I have to tell you I do not want your help.
TREVOR And don't be afraid to touch her. You'll be my minion, my love soldier.
CHAMP Look, are you sure you're gonna be gone when I get back. I know you're interested but this is not a spectator sport.
TREVOR Like there'd be anything to watch, anyway.
Champ opens the door. He cannot believe what he sees inside.CHAMP All right, I've never done this before, okay, so if it's awful just try and humor me.
CHRIS All right.
Chris walks over to the dining table. A bottle of wine is chilling in a bucket and there's a heart-shaped tray of raw oysters on the table.MUSIC The look of love
Is in your eyes
A look your smile can't disguise...
CHAMP Trevor.
(to himself)
MUSIC (cont'd) The look of love
Is saying so much more
Than just words could ever...
Chris looks disgusted. You can tell she is turned off by this environment. She turns to Champ and gives him an accusing look. Champ just stands there. He still can't believe all this is happening.Oysters?
CHRIS
He takes a seat at the bar. There is a definite unfriendly tone in Trevor's voice.TREVOR Hey, there he is. Managed to unpeel yourself, did ya?
ALEX Just for a bit.
Opens a bottle of beer for Alex.TREVOR How often you guys been going at it 'cause, lately, Claire's been glowing like Bacchus on a new bottle of Grappa.
Trevor pulls a knife from under the bar and sticks it into the cutting board.ALEX Can't complain. What about you? Guy like you has to have something going on, somewhere.
TREVOR Are you kidding me? Gals love to take the mentally ill home to mom.
ALEX Come on. All work and no play makes Trevor...
Trevor chuckles at that.ALEX Hostile.
TREVOR You ever think she might be faking it? Sixty percent of women do.
ALEX Look, Trevor, I came down here because Claire and I are in a relationship. You are a friend of hers, so I thought...
TREVOR Who's term is that? "Friend"? Yours or hers? Because I know relationship is definitely hers.
ALEX What I'm trying to say is...
TREVOR She wants you to treat her psychotic hang-around like a regular guy instead of the whacked out sap that you see me as.
ALEX You know, frankly I don't give a damn whether you believe you're Cupid or Eleanor Roosevelt or an overripe tangerine. All you really do is come off as a poor jealous bastard.
TREVOR Jealous?
ALEX Yeah.
Alex exits. Trevor takes his frustration out on the cutting board by pulling out the knife that's still sticking there and sticking it back again.ALEX You don't like me. Fine, fine. Actually that-- that makes perfect sense but don't go pretending it's because I know your mental history. See, what's crawling up you ass has nothing to do with me except that I'm the guy getting what you want.
TREVOR Which is what?
ALEX Oh, you think about it. I'm going home and crawl into bed with my girlfriend.
FADE OUT
He drops the tray down onto the bar in front of Trevor.TREVOR She allergic to shellfish?
CHAMP I believe these are yours.
They glare at each other for a moment. Then Champ turns and leaves.CHAMP (cont'd) You seemed to have left them in the middle of my dinner. Come on, you remember. Mine was the one not designed to make me look like I ordered my life from the Titillating Tidbits catalogue.
TREVOR There are some good items in that catalogue. There's the edible handcuffs that make for tasty bondage.
CHAMP You know what? Chris was a little put off by walking into the world according to Hefner. I tried to tell her it was all the doings of my misguided roommate but somehow that didn't go over very well.
TREVOR Excuse me for trying to do a friend a favour.
CHAMP I was doing just fine, Trevor!
TREVOR You're doing great. I love that chastity belt on you.
CHAMP And you know how much I appreciate fashion advice from lunatics.
He gets a bunch of "all rights" and thumbs up from the class.NERDY STUDENT Last night, at the Sugar Shack, this former Miss Teen Fitness paid me for a lap dance.
He's sitting at a desk. As he begins his story there is a certain sadness to his voice.INSTRUCTOR Excellent. Congratulations my friend. You dogs are on a role! Anyone else a winner?
SAM (O.S.) Yep. I'm the big winner this week.
Sam turns and exits.SAM There was this woman that I liked... really liked. Hot body. Great face. I worked her, boy I pulled out every trick in the book. Tossed out all the catch phrases. Made eye contact.
(stand up)
That's right, comrades, I got her thinking about sex.
(that gets a positive response from the class)
This morning when I woke up, her limbs were wrapped around me. But there was a problem.
(pauses)
I couldn't look her in the eye. You know why? Cause I could never be with someone who would fall for someone as pathetic and desperate as me.
As Trevor speaks the camera pans over from answering machine over to the dining room where there is evidence that a romantic dinner has occurred. Neither Claire nor her date is in the room. There is, however, a trail of clothes.CLAIRE Hi, it's Claire. Leave a message.
(answering machine)
BEEP
INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUSTREVOR (over the phone) Hey, Dr. Allen, I just thought you should know I'm planning a breakthrough. I have found a lovely young lady with whom I feel a deep emotional connection.
INT. CLAIRE'S TOWNHOUSE - CONTINUOUSTREVOR (cont'd) Not only will this scratch a very deep itch, it sets certain people's minds at ease on a number of issues.
(takes a drink from the bottle)
It makes you today's big winner.
INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUSTREVOR (over the phone) A full three hours of personal bliss and I am cured. That's right. No more immortality, no more beads, no more Cupid.
He hangs up and takes another drink from his bottle. Then there's a knock at the door. He goes over and answers it. It's Helen and as usual she's looking very sexy.TREVOR (cont'd) End of delusion and thanks to you. So, I thought I should call and say congratulations.
Trevor looks surprised.HELEN Hey.
INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - JUMP CUTHELEN I've got my rain check.
TREVOR Come on in.
The following cut scenes occur with no sound except for Champ's sonnet, which is a voice over.CHAMP Like the night of cloudless climbs starry skies
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes
EXT. RESTAURANT - JUMP CUTCHAMP (V.O. - cont'd) Thus mellows to that tender light
Which to heaven that gaudy day denies
One shade the more, one ray the less
INT. CLAIRE'S TOWNHOUSE - JUMP CUTCHAMP (V.O. - cont'd) Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face
Where thoughts serenely sweet express how pure
EXT. FIRE ESCAPE - JUMP CUTCHAMP (V.O. - cont'd) How dear their dwelling place
Chris appears and sits on the window sill. She's smiling. Champ sits next to her. Looking deep into her eyes and gently caressing her cheek he continues his sonnet.CHAMP and on that cheek, and o'er that brow
He leans in and gives her a very nice kiss.CHAMP (cont'd) So soft... so calm, yet eloquent
The smiles that win, the tints that glow
But tell of days of goodness spent
A mind at ease with all below
A heart whose love is innocent
The answering machine picks up just as Trevor exits his bedroom and goes to the phone. He doesn't look to pleased about being interrupted in the middle of his fun.(ring)
HELEN (O.S.) Oh no.
INT. CLAIRE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSTREVOR (on the machine) We can't take your call at the moment but if you leave your name, number, educational background, preferred pet, titles of the last three CDs you purchased and the name of the celebrity you most resemble, you'll be glad you did.
BEEP
TREVOR This thing have a do not disturb button?
CLAIRE (on the phone) Trevor, it's Claire. Listen, a couple of things, one, I wanted to apologize about what I told Alex. That was wrong of me.
INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUSCLAIRE (cont'd) Two, regarding your call, I think it's a great thing, you know, finding a girlfriend might be exactly what you need.
INT. CLAIRE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSCLAIRE (on the phone) As for this cured thing, I'll believe it when I see it. And I will see you again. But this is definitely a positive step.
INT. TREVOR'S BEDROOM - JUMP CUTCLAIRE (cont'd) Oh, and Trevor, remember to lock the door. Bye.
Trevor doesn't answer.HELEN Well, I don't know who that was on the phone, but she definitely took the wind out of your sail.
Trevor sits back down. He looks very upset, his eyes are starting to get teary. Helen doesn't understand what's wrong but realizes she should leave.HELEN Hey, it's not such a big deal...
TREVOR It wasn't her. It's not about her. I just... I really...
(cut her off suddenly)
(sighs)
I need to go home, okay. I have to go home, that's what I have to do.
HELEN You are home.
TREVOR What?!
HELEN I thought this was your home.
TREVOR This is not my home. This is not my home!
(stands up and starts gesturing)
This is Chicago! You can't have sex! You can't drink the wine! Chemicals all over the fruit!
Trevor's face is moist from tears. Helen is standing at the bedroom door.HELEN Okay, look, Trevor, I don't know what's going on.
(starts gathering her things)
TREVOR I have absolutely no reason to be here.
HELEN You know, frankly...
TREVOR There's no reason for me to be here.
HELEN I don't know if I understand this, really.
TREVOR You know, I can't.
There's a moment of awkward silence.TREVOR I can't do this, okay. I have to go home.
(looks at her)
She exits. Trevor continues to sit there looking very upset.HELEN Okay, well, you know, thanks.
Claire and Alex are in bed under the covers. They're in a spooning position with Claire on the outside.ALEX (O.S.) Claire?
CLAIRE (O.S.) Yeah?
ALEX (O.S.) Put it down.
Alex turns over so that Claire is laying on top of him.CLAIRE What? Oh, come on. I'll tell you why they called me Sparky as a kid.
ALEX Oh.
(interested)
She starts kissing him and kissing him. He's trying to say something.CLAIRE Okay. Now, no one hears this. When I was little, I loved jolting my tongue with a 9 volt battery.
ALEX That's it?!
(chortles)
CLAIRE Yeah, I loved the tingle.
ALEX Yeah?
(they both laugh a little)
Now tell me, what could possibly replace the thrill of a 9 volt battery now?
CLAIRE Well, I'd have to say it's you.
(she kisses him)
You know.
He turns over and closes his eyes.ALEX Claire? Mmmm. Mmmm. Claire. Mmmm. Claire?
(in between kisses)
CLAIRE What?
ALEX I can't do this again.
(in a tired voice)
Claire's tone becomes very sensual almost hypnotic.CLAIRE (sigh)
You know, this really is the best part of sex. Afterwards.
ALEX Mm-hmm.
Alex's eyes open. Claire's breathing gets a little harder as she continues.CLAIRE I just feel like there's this bond between you and me. And this bond, it's happened to you before, right? I mean, you lie there. Enveloped by your warm bed.
(softly into Alex's ear)
Alex turns over so that Claire is laying on top of him. He looks very aroused.CLAIRE The soft, silky sheets caress you. And every time you move, the sensations sort of explode.
They start to kiss very passionately and pull the covers over themselves.CLAIRE And Alex, that's just what I want you to feel.
FADE TO BLACK