WOMAN (on TV) Come off it Parker!

TREVOR
(knocks on the TV screen) What is wrong with this guy?

CLAIRE I wouldn't have thought you a soap man, Trevor.

TREVOR She clearly wants him, okay. She's the cuter of the two. She's all legs and teen spirit.

CLAIRE I don't know. She seems a little cold to me.

TREVOR She's fiery, she's Iceland. She's like a volcano under ice! She's the source of all geysers. He's crazy if he can't see that!

CLAIRE Well, maybe he's just a little immature. You know? Charming in some ways.

TREVOR Jump her, ya pinhead! Look at him. He talks and he talks. It's like he gets paid by the word. He says ten things when he means one. He goes on and on and on, blah blah blah, eat, drink, sleep. He won't stop talking. He babbles.

CLAIRE
(looks at him) Sounds familiar. Look, they can't get together, Trevor. The show would be over.

TREVOR Oh, fine by me.

CLAIRE You know what I don't get?

CLAIRE You claim to be Cupid, you have no reservations about sharing your views on love, yet you say you have never fallen in love yourself. That takes chutzpah.

TREVOR
(correcting her pronunciation) Chutz-- chutzpah. Stephen Hawkins is fifty six years old.

CLAIRE Sequitur please.

TREVOR People line up to buy his book about the dawn of time. No one questions his wisdom.

CLAIRE Well, he devoted his life to research.

TREVOR So have I. Goddesses, nymphs, amazons. I am personally responsible for the premature retirement of half a dozen of Diana's vestal virgins.

CLAIRE You must be proud. Sounds interesting.

TREVOR Yeah.

CLAIRE
(as she heads to the exit) See you later.

TREVOR Hey, if I was gonna fall in love, don't you think it would've happened already?

CLAIRE I don't know. Bye-bye.

TREVOR Talk less, sir, or otherwise...

FADE OUT

GREELEY His delusion that he is in fact Cupid, the Roman god of love, remains fixed?

CLAIRE Well, he's not to fussy about the whole Greek-Roman split, so.

GREELEY In any case, he was released because according to the reports which you filed, he'd overcome his delusional state.

GREELEY Ah, this is Dr. Ian Frechette. Have you had the pleasure?

CLAIRE I know who Dr. Frechette is, of course.

FRECHETTE
(taking a seat next to Dr. Greeley) Thank you.

CLAIRE While, I also know who Dr. Jeckyl is.

FRECHETTE Ah, you disapprove of me.

CLAIRE Well, I guess I don't buy into your philosophy of when in doubt, medicate.

GREELEY Dr. Frechette has identified Trevor Hale as a perfect test candidate in his latest research.

CLAIRE Thoroxelatizine-B?

FRECHETTE You're familiar with my work?

CLAIRE Thorax-B hasn't even shown consistent results in physiological disorders. Trevor Hale's mental problems are psychological.

FRECHETTE I disagree. All evidence points toward a degenerative schizophrenia.

CLAIRE Except that there has been no degeneration. Furthermore, he poses no threat to himself or others, so lobotomizing...

GREELEY Dr. Allen...

CLAIRE (stopping Dr. Greeley)
Excuse me!
(back to Dr. Frechette)
And chemically castrating him with that drug is irresponsible!

FRECHETTE I am fully conversant with the patient's file.

CLAIRE I wrote his file.

GREELEY But, you report that Mr. Hale abstains from all sexual contact anyway.

CLAIRE Trevor is convinced if he had sex with a mortal, he'll cease to be a god. And when he finally succumbs to his sex drive, and he will, he'll have to confront that paradox.

FRECHETTE And how do you know he even has a sex drive?

CLAIRE I've seen him dance.

GREELEY Well, dancing aside, Claire, is it possible that Trevor's charm and rather appealing world view has effected your objectivity?

CLAIRE No.

FRECHETTE Mr. Hale's delusion is biochemical in origin. My drug will cure him.

CLAIRE Heh. Thorax-B will actually prevent Trevor from regaining his sanity.

GREELEY Sorry, Claire. I'm gonna have to think on this one.
(gets up to leave)
Wear your beepers. I'll be in touch.

LINDA Now for our seventh performer we have Mike on electric guitar.

MIKE
(turns his hat backwards) I wanna thank all my, uh, my fans.

MIKE
(singing) Yeah! Big Love!
Baby, that's what you need!
Big Love!
Baby, doin' the deed!
Ain't no little love gonna fit the bill
Little love givers swap size for skill

MIKE (cont'd)
Ain't no skill gonna make up for my Big Love!
Ain't no skill gonna make you a snug glove!
Whoa!
Baby, Big Love!

CLAIRE Boys and their phallic delusions.

TREVOR You ever get tired of psychoanalysing?

CLAIRE Now that you mention it, I am a bit winded.

TREVOR You know, there's nothing wrong with phallic. The Iliad was phallic.

CLAIRE What?

TREVOR You know, the walled city, the horse, thrusting its way through the gate, finally...

CLAIRE Don't...

TREVOR (cont'd) ... finally delivering its payload.

CLAIRE There it is.

HIPPIE
(singing and playing guitar) Tripping, leaping, laughing, roving
Amongst the elfin throngs proclaim
The queen of fairies sits a woving
Her bridal gown, she's quite a dame

HIPPIE (cont'd) The magic hour quick approaches...
(forgets the words and starts humming)
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm...
The tripping masses drive like coach...

TREVOR So, what can you tell us about Abby Puff n' Stuff up there?

CLAIRE Yeah, hi, it's Claire, uh, I'm expecting a very important message from Dr. Greeley.
(beat)
Nothing?
(beat)
Okay, thank you.

MIKE I was way better than this guy.

LAURENCE
(gives him a thumbs up) Oh... yeah.

URBAN COWBOY
(singing and playing guitar) His gun is a colt, but he favours his knife
Which is long, jagged, sharp and rusty
He belches and burps, he'll french kiss your wife
And give her back all bent and musty
(begins to yodel)
Yodelleahehoo yeah, yodelleahe he he yee hoo...

CLAIRE (groans) Oh, I should've gone home.

TREVOR Come on, Claire, play with us. This is fun.

MIKE You know what that is? That's just C and D, back and forth the whole day, back and forth.

LAURENCE Cowboy Erwin up there is repressing a memory of a milking gone bad.

LINDA
(less than enthusiastic) And now for our... (sighs) ...fifteenth performer, Sophie Gill on guitar.

TREVOR
(to one of the guys at the table) She's cute. You can take a run on her.

SOPHIE
(singing and playing guitar) It's better to do less of what is bad
Than more of what is good

That's the way I've always looked at things
So I've been shaking and busting it out

TINA Wow!

MIKE Yeah, well, pretty good. If you like that kind of thing.

TINA She's great.

SOPHIE (cont'd) Just like I knew I could
Ever since I purchased my first six string

Oh, and I've been doing laundry to support the laundry list
I've been working out night times, weekends and workdays that I have missed

CHAMP Well, I'll be damned.

SOPHIE (cont'd) And sometimes it all gets to me, I need something to get me pissed
It's all right 'cause I'm drunk and I won't remember

Well I've been in the same place for so long I just can't wait
To bust it out and finally hit the big time
Oh, and I know with that guy in a magazine I've got a date
It's just a question of right place right time

Oh and I hear the folkies as they talk behind my back
They're saying man that girl could really sing those blues

TREVOR Now, there's a woman who needs a good man.

CLAIRE No, there's a woman who had a good man then lost him.

SOPHIE (cont'd) But that she quit and got off track
Look in to my eyes to see the truth inside the cracks

It's better to do less of what is bad
Than more of what is good.

SOPHIE
(accepting her applause) Thank you. Thanks.

CHAMP How are you? It's so good to see you.

SOPHIE Yeah. Me too.

CHAMP So, I heard that you were in LA making it big.

SOPHIE
(tongue in cheek) Huge! My entourage is out right now, tracking down this Malaysian bottled water I like.

CHAMP And, that you signed a record deal.

SOPHIE Yeah. I'm supposed to be in the studio right now, spinning pain and isolation into gold.

TREVOR How does that work?

SOPHIE I decided I needed a little R n' R instead.

CHAMP First album you're already playing hooky. Same old Sophie.

SOPHIE Acting like my dad. Same old Albert. You know, the record company tracked me down. They sent a limo to come pick me up. They know how I hate to fly.

CHAMP Since when? You're just stalling.

TREVOR So, given the nagging, you guys must go way back. Which is very interesting.

CHAMP Interesting how?

TREVOR Well, uh, Claire has a theory...

CLAIRE Uh, Trevor, no.... (shakes her head)

TREVOR Well, you know, about the song you were playing. She thinks it's about a dreamboat you loved and lost...
(looks at Champ)
...you are very dreamy...
(back at Sophie)
...and that little feel copping session you had back there...

SOPHIE Albert?!

TREVOR Yeah.

SOPHIE He's just one of the nameless, faceless drones I used to satisfy my voracious sexual appetite.

TREVOR Count me in.

SOPHIE
(laughs) I'm just kidding. We were musical theatre geeks together back at the Fine Arts Magnate.

SOPHIE Pals that's all.

CHAMP Sophie used to write two-thirds of a musical, decide it wasn't perfect, and we'd end up doing Fiddler On The Roof. Not a whole lot of parts for me in that.

SOPHIE When I'm forty, will you please stop giving me a hard time about that.

TREVOR Listen, will you tell Claire she's wrong, please.

SOPHIE Claire you're wrong.
(beat)
What was she wrong about?

CLAIRE Your song. I-- I thought it was about love gone bad.

SOPHIE Then you know what, he is right and you are wrong.

TREVOR Thank you.

SOPHIE Love? I don't believe in it. I don't touch the stuff.

TREVOR Whoa, whoa. Let's not get carried away, young lady.

CLAIRE Forgive me for prying, but, you've never told someone that you loved them?

SOPHIE No.
(beat)
Well... once. But I really don't think it counts. I was thirteen and there was this neighbour boy. It never occurred to me then but...

SOPHIE'S MOTHER Your right, or my right?

SOPHIE'S FATHER The car's right, honey.

SOPHIE'S MOTHER Oh.

YOUNG SOPHIE I can't. It's on kid-proof.

SOPHIE (V.O.) The way Lister and I felt about each other must have scared my parents to death. They were probably relieved when we moved away.

YOUNG SOPHIE
(to her mom) Just a little bit? Please?

SOPHIE' FATHER Okay. We gotta go, Houston.

SOPHIE (V.O.) They didn't even give us a proper chance to say goodbye.

LISTER I got you a present, Gill, so you won't forget me.

YOUNG SOPHIE I didn't get you anything, Lister.

SOPHIE'S FATHER We gotta make some time here, kids. Window's coming up.

SOPHIE (V.O.) I gave him the only thing I could think of. My bicycle key.

SOPHIE (V.O.) When we pulled away, I thought I'd never see him again, so I told him how I felt as if I knew.

SOPHIE Do you wanna see something funny?

CLAIRE From Paul?

SOPHIE Yeah. I don't know. It has kitsch value.

TREVOR Let's go find him.

SOPHIE No.

TREVOR What? This is the only guy she's loved. She's still wearing this locket. Look, since then no one has melted the butter, breached the water, unlocked the potential. You wanna know why?

CLAIRE Uh...

TREVOR
(cutting her off) Because she's suppressed her little rock star feelings. That's why.

CLAIRE Repressed.

TREVOR Thank you.

CLAIRE I'm not agreeing with you, Trevor, I'm helping with the vocabulary.

TREVOR Whatever.

CLAIRE Excuse me.

CLAIRE Hello?

GREELEY Hi, Claire. It's Milton.

CLAIRE Milton, great. So, I guess you've come to a decision.

GREELEY Dr. Frechette presented a solid case that your Mr. Hale is an idea candidate.

CLAIRE Of course he is. Trevor has no family to protest.

GREELEY But there's been no improvement in his condition. Perhaps it's time for a more radical treatment.

CLAIRE Aside from his delusion, he's holding a job, he's forming interpersonal relationships and...

GREELEY I find it hard to believe that a delusion this entrenched hasn't caused harm to either the patient or to others.

CLAIRE He does no more harm than a persistent friend dying to set you up.

GREELEY That's the part you see.

CLAIRE You know something I don't?

GREELEY You're around Mr. Hale only a few hours a week. Isn't it possible that he's on his best behaviour during that time?

CLAIRE Hmm, there's a scary thought.

GREELEY But one we have to consider. The hospital board is inclined to hand Trevor over to Frechette. And Frechette is willing to assume liability for the patient.

CLAIRE Yes of course he is, because under Frechette's care Trevor will end up like a cabbage.

GREELEY And in the hospital's way of thinking, safe.

CLAIRE Milton, what if I could just...

GREELEY Oh, no. You can't afford to accept personal liability for a delusional patient loose on the streets.

CLAIRE We're talking about putting a man on a drug that will fundamentally change his personality. Who he is! And we're doing all this because of what we suspect he may be doing when we're not present?

GREELEY And you're going to be...?

CLAIRE Present. Give me some time.

GREELEY We're talking about your reputation. Your career.

GREELEY All right. Some time, Claire, but not much.

CLAIRE Thank you.

TREVOR
(trying to convince Sophie) Yes. Road trip. You need to jump back into this.
(Sophie doesn't look convinced)
What? Are you kidding? This guy will be thrilled to see you. I-- I would want you back in my life.

CHAMP Sophie has to go to Los Angeles to record a record. Claire, you're the expert, will you tell Trevor that it's a stupid idea.

TREVOR Don't ask her, you know what she's gonna say.

CLAIRE I think we should do it.

TREVOR We?

CLAIRE Yeah.

FADE OUT

CLAIRE This looks good. Can I have that. Um, and this. This one of cookies.

CLAIRE
(into a small tape recorder) I am still waiting for Trevor and two friends to arrive. The search for an old sweetheart will provide ample opportunity to subtly observe Trevor without his knowledge.

TREVOR That's right good citizens! It's international hug-a-stranger day! It is time to hug it out, you little fruit!
(to a woman on the sidewalk)
That means you snow cone. We'll be back to pick up your fruit!
(waves to Claire)
Hello!. Ha ha. Yes, indeed.

CLAIRE
(into a small tape recorder) Although, subtle isn't the first thing that occurs when you think of Trevor.

VENDING MAN Your receipt is in the bag.

CLAIRE Thank you, very much.

TREVOR
(still using his blow horn) Hello, Claire. You brought sustenance for us, how nice, very civilized of you. Very nice. Listen, did you use the facilities before you left? Did you turn off the oven? All right, buckle in young lady. You don't want to bounce around.
(to driver)
My man, heads up. I'll accept nothing less than sixty knots.

TREVOR (cont'd) I want to crack an iceberg. I love the feeling of shaved ice in the morning, it smells like victory. Let's get into it!

CLAIRE Sophie, your record company must love you.

SOPHIE Oh, yes. They say I appeal to a desirable demographic.

TREVOR Woo! TV, wet bar, you got everything! This is a lovely little love bucket. Man! You want a roommate?

CHAMP Careful what you answer. It's like inviting a vampire across your threshold.

TREVOR Hey does this fold out into a bed or something?

CHAMP Comfy? I'm not.

CLAIRE Trevor has to sit next to the controls.

TREVOR Yeah, apparently I have a Captain Kirk complex I have to get over, right? I have to push all the right buttons.

SOPHIE Hey you guys, I picked up some travel brochures at the hotel.

CHAMP Woo hoo!

SOPHIE Road trip options. World's largest tinker toy town, heroes of the prohibition wax museum, which you would like...

TREVOR
(less than enthusiastic) Ooo, look at that.

SOPHIE ...and someplace called "Snake Farm".

TREVOR Hold on there Dorothy. You, me, Scarecrow and Tin Woman here are on their way to see the wonderful Lister of Oakville, Wisconsin. Who, incidentally, is still listed at the same address. I checked.

SOPHIE
(not really loving the idea) Oh no. You know, I'm really psyched about the road trip, but, uh, why-- why do we have to find this guy Paul, fifteen years later.

TREVOR Well, because he was your first romance. The only guy you ever loved. That's powerful stuff. Guaranteed fireworks, everlasting devotion. Even the shrink here said so.

CLAIRE I never said that, Trevor.

TREVOR Let's rewind to last night.
(makes a rewinding sound)
"I think we should do it". Or-- or were you just coming on to me?

CLAIRE L-- look, Trevor...

TREVOR
(interrupts her) Now that would be ugly, oh no, no, no...

CLAIRE
(trying to continue) First love...

TREVOR
(still fooling around) Make him stop, make him stop...

CLAIRE Excuse me! First loves are important. That's where we establish later courtship patterns.

TREVOR Later courtship patterns. That's sexy. That's like a good typing class.

CLAIRE Okay, okay. This is how I see the reunion. Awkward re-introduction, more belly, less hair, black socks with sneakers, kids riding around in big wheels, uh, a few laughs after the ice is broken, nice enough guy but not the magic boy you remember.

SOPHIE So, what's the point?

CLAIRE Well...

SOPHIE Snake farm!

CHAMP Snake farm!

CLAIRE
(she's found a point) The point is, you may have sub-consciously elevated Paul to such a level that no present day suitor stands a chance. You want to move on but you can't because you haven't resolved the trauma you felt in the truncated break-up of that formative relationship.

TREVOR Go girl! Work that hoo doo voodoo psycho mumbo jumbo mojo! Can I get a witness! I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat!
(Sophie and Champ laugh)
What the hell is she talking about?

CHAMP
(to Sophie) She's a psychiatrist....

TREVOR
(correcting him) Psychologist. See, it's like the difference between "cook" and "chef".

CLAIRE I was a pre-eighteen girl, Trevor, at one time. Were you?

TREVOR Let me think about it. There was a time when I had a real nice little...

CLAIRE
(cuts him off) Okay. When I was a girl...

TREVOR Right.

CLAIRE (cont'd) ...my parents used to send me to camp, every summer.

TREVOR Oh.

CLAIRE Yeah. Camp...
(tries to remember)
...Camp Missisaugua. It ran on the gold star system. So, if you amassed enough gold stars, you got more free time. This one boy, Mark... something. He never got any free time because he wouldn't or couldn't play by the rules. Not that he cared.

MARK So, how many gold stars are you up to?

YOUNG CLAIRE I don't know.

MARK Triple digits?

YOUNG CLAIRE Maybe.

MARK Camp's supposed to be fun, they make it like school.

YOUNG CLAIRE What do you like?

MARK Old fashioned cherry snow cones, X-Men, the Talking Heads, tree forts you build yourself, staying up late, swimming naked, skipping school... I like lots of things.

YOUNG CLAIRE Well, maybe I'll see you at the camp fire tonight?

MARK I'm confined to my cabin. I told counsellor Rick, that if he wore his shorts any tighter, he'd accidentally sterilize his grandchildren.

CLAIRE That's when I felt this pang.

CHAMP Pang, huh?

TREVOR It's like the female equivalent of a "shwing!".

CLAIRE At that moment, Mark became something more to me. I don't know what exactly but it wasn't the cute boy who couldn't get anything right.

CHAMP
(looking at what Claire brought) Donuts, Cheetos, moon pies. Why didn't you just bring big dollops of fried lard?

CLAIRE They're road snacks. I don't eat them at home.

TREVOR You know what your problem is? Ever since Mark, every guy that you have a pang for has to be some misfit that you can help. It's-- it's your Wonder Woman complex.

CLAIRE That wasn't the point of the story, Trevor.

TREVOR This first love therapy is bitchin', isn't it.

SOPHIE The point of the story was that you don't see love coming.

CLAIRE Sort of. Partially. Yeah.

SOPHIE I never thought of Paul as anything but my buddy next door.

SOPHIE (V.O.) Until one day we were sitting in front of his house, discussing some totally innocent subject.

LISTER Hey Gill, I'm thinking of getting a tattoo.

YOUNG SOPHIE Won't that hurt?

LISTER Oh yeah. A Lot.

SOPHIE (V.O.) And his little brother, Brian, the pest, tried to pry us apart as usual.

BRIAN Hey Sophie.

YOUNG SOPHIE Hey Brian.

BRIAN
(to Paul) I'm supposed to ask you if you want to be on Rick Frame's team or Geoff Brown's.

LISTER You go on ahead.

BRIAN But they only let me play if we play together.

LISTER We're brothers, not Siamese twins. You can play without me.

BRIAN We'll give you your own team if you want. Want me to ask?

LISTER "N", "O" spells get out of my face, hoser!

SOPHIE (V.O.) Lister turn down a game of football? This was big.

YOUNG SOPHIE So, Lister, where you gonna get this tattoo?

LISTER Right about....
(rolls up his sleeve and makes a muscle and points to his bicep)
...here. Tazmanian Devil, maybe, or the Van Halen symbol.

SOPHIE (V.O.) I mean, I'd seen Paul a thousand times without his shirt on. Maybe it was because he turned the other guys down, but this time I was looking.

TREVOR
(to waitress) You know what, scratch the caboose. I'm gonna get another derailer and a side of bacon.

WAITRESS Wanna keep going? Order from the lunch menu straight onto dinner?

CLAIRE So did Paul ever get his tattoo?

SOPHIE Yeah, I drew one on his shoulder with a black magic marker. Semi-permanent.

CHAMP A skull?

SOPHIE How'd you know?

CHAMP "My fingers shook when I drew on you
A skull so black on golden skin that smelled new".
That was off your first demo.

TREVOR
(pointing at the limo driver) Could you put that gentleman's breakfast on my bill, please?

WAITRESS Tables are outside my jurisdiction, honey bunch.

TREVOR Please, I'd really appreciate it. He gave me some really sound financial advice.

WAITRESS Really?

TREVOR He may be our limo driver, but the man's a genius. A very lonely genius.

CHAMP
(singing) Little red caboose, little red caboose, little red caboose
Behind the train, the train...

CLAIRE
(into a small tape recorder) It's been, uh, two hours now, and this is the first time Trevor has even acted like Cupid. He's trying to match up the limo driver with the truck stop waitress.

CLAIRE (cont'd)
(into a small tape recorder) By chemically removing his sex drive, and rendering him psychological malleable, Thorax-B will end Trevor's psychotic delusions. Of course recommitment to a secure psychiatric facility will be necessary.

CLAIRE (cont'd)
(into a small tape recorder) On the basis of cold hard facts alone these actions may be indicated... but isn't that like using a hammer to swat flies? More importantly, whatever psychological trauma that caused this delusion in the first place will remain untreated. As for doing harm to either himself or others, if a friendly exchange of phone numbers is cause for alarm then I guess this guy is dangerous.

SOPHIE Are you okay?

TREVOR Yeah, yeah, uh, you guys finish breakfast, I'll be in the car, okay?

CHAMP What's up?

TREVOR Nothing. I gotta... I'm gonna... I...

CHAMP That's a first.

SOPHIE What?

CHAMP The man almost looks mortal.

FADE OUT

MUSIC You are ruining my life
You are ruining my life
You are ruining my life
You are ruining my life...

CLAIRE Why are you staring me down?

TREVOR Making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's crazy and nice.

CLAIRE I'm balancing my cheque book.

TREVOR Uh huh. It's all the same to you. People, numbers, columns. You got the debit people and you got the credit people. If you're slotted into the debit column, next thing you know, it's a foreclosure!

CLAIRE You're not a real wiz in the financial department.

TREVOR You're either a one or you're a zero. Well listen, baby, you cannot slot me into a column!

CLAIRE Did you get a letter from the IRS or something?

TREVOR There's something more to life than numbers! What if I'm a letter, you know?! What would you do without the twenty-four letters in the alphabet?!

CLAIRE Twenty-six letters in the alphabet, Trevor.

TREVOR There you go. Who else would take the trouble of counting all the letters in the alphabet, except for the numbers lady!

CHAMP What got him going?

CLAIRE The advent of a cashless economy.

TREVOR Bit of advice. Be a number, don't be a letter, because the alpha and the omega are losers in her world!

CHAMP Letters are losers?

SOPHIE You're not a loser, Trevor. If you were a loser, I would have already dated you.

CHAMP That's the truth. She would have.

SOPHIE Remember the drummer?
(to Trevor and Claire)
He found the female orgasm unattractive. And then there was the vegan folk singer who kept a strict accounting of who paid for what and he liked to settle weekly.

CHAMP Don't forget about the promoter.

SOPHIE Oh yeah, he promoted himself to Svengali. And then there was the manager who sold my car and then disappeared. Jeez, talk about debits.

CLAIRE How did you end up with these guys?

SOPHIE I don't know. I think I was really impressed with the ease in which they could make me feel ordinary and undesirable.

CLAIRE So you wanted to prove to them that you were worthy of respect, their love?

SOPHIE Yeah, if you can't get a neurotic loser to admire you, then you're really screwed.

CHAMP Of course, you don't have to hang in for the long run with a guy. (chuckles) It's doomed from the beginning. It makes breaking up a lot easier.

SOPHIE If I ever found anyone worth the long run I'd hang in.

CHAMP Well, sometimes you gotta give people a chance to show what they got inside.

SOPHIE Like you?

CHAMP
(smiles) Like Jackie Goodley.

CHAMP (V.O.) You may find this hard to believe, but in junior high I was small for my age, uncoordinated and bad at sports. And Jackie, she was shy. She thought all the other girls were prettier than her. Two misfits. Of course we found each other. Now, all Jackie wanted was to be Gladys Knight and all I wanted was for Jackie to be happy, so I was her Pip.

CHAMP (V.O.) Now, it was my idea for her to audition for the school play, and guess what, she knocked 'em dead. I nearly burst with pride. She had the best voice in the whole school. Only reason I auditioned was for moral support.

CLAIRE (V.O.) You got the part and Jackie didn't.

CHAMP (V.O.) No, no, not at all. We both got parts.

CHAMP (V.O.) It was an exciting day.

CLAIRE That is the sweetest story.

CHAMP Yeah, but...

SOPHIE On behalf of all the women in the western hemisphere Champ - we are not worthy.

CHAMP The point I was trying to make...

TREVOR On behalf of all the men - you suck.

CHAMP Forget it.

CLAIRE
(into a small tape recorder) Despite his increasing and obvious antagonism towards me, the subject has in no way indicated that he will, under any circumstances, place his perceived mission above the well being of the people he intends to help.

CLAIRE (cont'd)
(into a small tape recorder) At this moment he is presenting himself as the rock star Dave Matthews to a group of very gullible locals. Even in the throws of a delusion, Trevor is capable of discerning between fantasy and reality in day-to-day life. Such a marked sense of fun is virtually unheard of in other cases of delusion.

CLAIRE What?! What is it?! My hair?! Maybe my shoes?! Are you gonna tell me people are like shoes in some way and in the kingdom of shoes the boot is king and it's my fault?!

TREVOR Nothing.

SOPHIE I've got butterflies. Isn't that weird? Just to see this guy when I was thirteen years old.

CLAIRE No. Sophie you were robbed of your first kiss, the end of childish first love.

TREVOR Excuse me, the first kiss is what slams the sucker into gear.

CLAIRE Hardly! When you're used to riding a tricycle it can be a little shocking the first time you pop the clutch on a Harley.

CLAIRE (V.O.) Back at camp, they had this midsummer dance. I wanted to go with Mark, but he was, as usual, confined to his cabin.

YOUNG CLAIRE If you don't watch out, you could get that lodged in your trachea and die.

MARK I live on the edge, babe. Thought you'd be at the soc-hop.

YOUNG CLAIRE They were playing Kajagoogoo.

MARK You like Kajagoogoo.

YOUNG CLAIRE You don't.

CLAIRE (V.O.) It was a sweet, wonderful moment. Pure romance. I couldn't even feel my feet, we were floating.

TREVOR We're talking about a tricycle here, no sign of a Harley, not even a moped.

CLAIRE (V.O.) Look, it was inevitable. Our next kiss wasn't quite so nice. So much for innocent romance. Obviously Mark was getting advice from a drunken sailor.

CLAIRE (V.O.) It was all tongue and spit and grope. It ruined everything.

CLAIRE It just freaked me out, you know. We didn't speak for the rest of the camp.

SOPHIE That's to bad.

CLAIRE Yes and no. It was also normal and healthy, because the pure childish first love I had already started to romanticise was placed into an earthy sexual context.

TREVOR What, I mean, did he have a foot long forked tongue? What's the big deal? It was a little french kiss and a little minor groping.

CLAIRE It was a necessary right of passage, Trevor. Okay?

TREVOR Mm-hmm.

CLAIRE One that Sophie never got. She needs it. She still thinks of Paul as a pure romantic figure.

SOPHIE I guess it's possible. We never got to the slimy stuff. I got close once, though.

SOPHIE (V.O.) Forbidden territory, down by the tracks where the big kids went to fool around...

LISTER Are you cold?

SOPHIE (V.O.) I think Lister was as nervous as me.

LISTER Gill?

YOUNG SOPHIE Yeah?

LISTER What if I kissed you? Would it be all right?

YOUNG SOPHIE I guess.

LISTER What?

YOUNG SOPHIE I don't think you're supposed to talk about it first. It's just supposed to happen. It was too soon after you asked me. You have to sorta take me by surprise.

LISTER Oh.

YOUNG SOPHIE Paul, I hear my parent's car.

SOPHIE (V.O.) My dad grounded me for a month.

SOPHIE Still, it was almost the perfect romantic moment. The best almost-kiss I ever didn't have.

SOPHIE The best almost-kiss I ever didn't have. Maybe that's the point.

TREVOR Nah, I'm pretty sure the real point is for the lips to make actual contact, so, go get him, tigress.

SOPHIE Oh come on. As we all learned today, I still write about him. I have all these memories. They're perfect, you know? Claire, would it be crazy for me not to ruin all that.

CLAIRE Not at all.

TREVOR Yeah. It would be crazy. Look, you can't leave without seeing this guy one more time.

CHAMP Trevor, this trip was just for fun, man.

SOPHIE Snake farm.

SOPHIE
(she starts backing up) Vipers, constrictors. What do say? You know, you get there before seven o'clock we can see an anaconda eat a whole pig.

TREVOR Come on, let's smooth things out. You're just a little scared.

CLAIRE Trevor, Sophie said she didn't want to do it. You have no right to make her.

TREVOR Oh really, Dr. Allen? Is that a policy you subscribe to? You don't want to force people into things, even for their own good? Is that your own personal belief?

SOPHIE Look, fella, this is my decision.

CLAIRE Trevor, get back in the car.

TREVOR You know what Claire, you get back in the car. I got a job to do. Let's see if you can go five minutes without working against me. I'll time ya. And you...

SOPHIE
(stops) What are you gonna do? Are you gonna stand there and flap your wings and bawk bawk bawk like a chicken?

TREVOR
(looks at her) Do something all the way for once, Sophie. You want to do this, you really do. I'd bet my life on it. See this one thing through.

CLAIRE You satisfied?

CLAIRE
(into a small tape recorder) Six thirty eight, PM. I'm sorry to say I can no longer, in good faith, state that Trevor is able to put innocent bystanders' interests ahead of his own.

FADE OUT

ADULT LISTER
(opening the door) Yeah?
(recognizes her and smiles)
Gill?

SOPHIE Lister? Oh my god, it's good to see you.

ADULT LISTER Me too, Gill, me too.

SOPHIE Uh, this is gonna sound really strange but, I have a big favour to ask you.

ADULT LISTER Yeah.

SOPHIE I need to place childish romanticism into an earthier context.

SOPHIE Kiss me
(beat)
Unless you're married or something. I mean it's okay...

TREVOR
(leaps up) Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Deities one, mortals nil!

CHAMP Don't stare directly into the source, folks. You'll burn your retina.

TREVOR I is the man! I is definitely the man! Well, technically I is the god. But I is definitely the man!

TREVOR Hold it right there, sport. State your business.

KID Who the hell wants to know?!

TREVOR The guy with the mouth sized bar of soap.

KID Look, Mr. Lister's my football coach. We were gonna run some patterns. I'm the quarterback for the Screaming Eagles.

TREVOR Mr. Lister is indisposed right now, but you are in luck. Many, many people have told me that I have great hands. I am going to go deep. You are going to launch it to me.

CLAIRE You could have done something to stop Trevor just now.

CHAMP Maybe.

CLAIRE So why didn't you?

CHAMP Well, because maybe he had a point on some level.

CLAIRE What? To bully Sophie like that?

CHAMP Sophie has this thing about success, you know, about being happy. Every time it gets close to her she dodges it. I mean, if something good happens to a person you should accept it. Be happy, not get all caught up in the what-ifs and what-abouts.

CHAMP (V.O.) You know what all these first love stories have in common? They end unhappily. Trevor, he's the lucky one. He never had a first love. Sure I got the lead in the play and all of a sudden I was Mr. Popular.

CHAMP (V.O.) Probably because I dumped Jackie and started going out with my co-star. Broke Jackie's heart.

CHAMP I transferred the next year. Never saw Jackie again.

CLAIRE Goodley. There can't be too many of those in Chicago.

CHAMP (chuckles) Oh no. It's been too long.

CLAIRE
(hands him her cell phone) Closure, it's not just for talk show guests anymore.

SOPHIE It almost looks the same.

ADULT LISTER Yeah. I only took it over from my parents a few months ago. They moved down to Florida.

SOPHIE So, what are you up to these days?

ADULT LISTER I'm in the very glamorous world of social work.

SOPHIE That's cool.

ADULT LISTER I co-ordinate a job training program geared towards the homeless, ex-cons, welfare mothers. Some pee wee football coaching on the side.
(beat)
Can I show you something stupid?

SOPHIE "Something stupid" isn't one of those nicknames a guy gives his...

ADULT LISTER No.

SOPHIE 'Cause it'd be a good one.

ADULT LISTER I'll keep that in mind.

SOPHIE
(smiles) You kept it all these years.

ADULT LISTER Weird, huh? Since I never thought I'd speak to you again.

SOPHIE
(show him the locket around her neck) You're not gonna believe this. I never stopped wearing this.

ADULT LISTER Paul's locket?

SOPHIE Paul's?! And you would be...?

ADULT LISTER Oh god, Sophie, I thought you knew. It's me, Brian.

SOPHIE
(sits on the bed) Brian! The kid who was jealous of me for taking away his big brother?

BRIAN (aka ADULT LISTER)
(sits next to her) You got it backwards. I wasn't jealous of you, I was jealous of... Paul. And he didn't appreciate you like I did.

SOPHIE But...

BRIAN Look... Paul told everybody he was gonna kiss you. I mean, he had bets on it. The day after your family moved to Chicago, Paul was moving in on Maureen McKeon.
(lifting up the bike key)
And I found this on the washer machine. The guy had forgotten to take it out of his pockets. I doubt he ever thought about it again. He was crazy about girls.

SOPHIE And you?

BRIAN I was crazy about girl.

SOPHIE Brian, we haven't seen each other in fifteen years.

BRIAN I've-- I've seen you three times. Road trips into the city when I heard you were playing.

BRIAN
(without looking at her) You were great, by the way.

SOPHIE Brian.

MUSIC Doesn't matter if the world'd come between us
I belong with you, I never would believe it
Something so strong that even I can't mess it up
Must be love...

TREVOR Couldn't be more open here! Big man!

KID Hey!
(they start walking)
Think coach is going to be okay?

TREVOR Yeah, he's gonna come out of it just fine.

KID I've seen what girls can do to guys.

TREVOR
(smiles) Oh yeah? What can girls do to guys?

KID Joe Marsh, fullback on our team, great player, at least he used to be.

TREVOR You're way too young to give me the "girls are bad for your legs" speech.

KID How do they hurt your legs?

TREVOR (chuckles) Never mind. What happened to Joe?

KID Judy Ford happened.

TREVOR Uh-huh?

KID (cont'd) Joe got real stupid. Acted like he didn't like her, but everyone could tell he did.

TREVOR How?

KID Always trying to sit next to her.

TREVOR Uh-huh?

KID (cont'd) Teasing her. The dude even egged her house.

TREVOR Ha ha. Let's run some patterns.

KID I gotta go, man.

CHAMP
(protecting the football) Oh! You want some o' this?! You don't want none o' this!

CHAMP Are those canary feathers sticking out of her mouth?

TREVOR
(when she reaches the limo) So, could we just leave you here to rear children, darn socks and churn butter?

SOPHIE Hell no. I've got a record to cut in LA.

TREVOR You're coming with us after that R-rated shadow puppet show?

SOPHIE Claire, you were right about Paul.

CLAIRE I was?

SOPHIE Yes. Twice divorced, triple chinned.

CLAIRE He looked pretty good from where I was standing.

SOPHIE Oh, that was Brian, the pesky little brother. Living proof that nice guys finish last.

CLAIRE Oh, well that's too bad.

SOPHIE No, you're not hearing me. Nice guys finish last.

CLAIRE
(understands and smiles) Ohhh. Okay.

TREVOR What's she talking about.

CHAMP If you were a nice guy you'd know.

SOPHIE Come on you guys, let's hit the road. I'm starved.

CHAMP What about Brian?

SOPHIE Brian has always wanted to visit Hollywood but it looks like the Screaming Eagles are going to the playoffs. So...

TREVOR You're getting blown off for pee wee football?

SOPHIE The kids are short, the season's short and he's worth the wait.

TREVOR
(to Claire) Happy ending.

CLAIRE
(knocks) Okay, that's funny.

TREVOR Reading a magazine, huh? Pick a good one.

CLAIRE I'm just going to pretend to read. The magazine just helps sell it.

TREVOR Here's a good one. It's got a quiz. "How to know if you are a stick in the mud". "When riding in a limousine with your friends, you: A) flash passing truckers? B) run red lights and claim diplomatic immunity? or C)..."
(looks at what Claire's reading)
"read about the long term effects of NAFTA?". Hmmm.

CLAIRE What was "a" again?

TREVOR Number two. "When rewarding a guy who reunites sweethearts, you: A) give him a big warm hug? B) reduce him to a drooling zombie?".

CLAIRE Trevor, what do you think you know?

TREVOR I know what I know.
(takes a breath)
"By chemically removing his sex drive, and rendering him psychological malleable, Thorax-B will end Trevor's psychotic delusions. Of course recommitment to a safe and secure psychiatric facility will be necessary.".

CLAIRE Is that why you've been acting this way?

TREVOR Well, call me sensitive.
(pauses)
I just figured if you saw me hook Lister and Sophie up, you would see what a crime against humanity it would be to lock me up.

CLAIRE So, you thought you had something to prove to me?

TREVOR You're kinda like my pet mental health professional. I figure if I can't impress you, the folks back home will shock me till my fillings glow. I don't have any fillings, so that's just a metaphor.

CLAIRE So, your behaviour is completely based on what you over heard? Right?

TREVOR Yeah.

CLAIRE Hold this.

KID (O.S.) Heh.

TREVOR What are you smirking about, big man?

KID Nothing.

TREVOR Mm-hmm. You know, just because you tease someone, doesn't mean you like 'em. Could mean you think they're just a big pain in the watoosie.

KID Whatever you say.

TREVOR (chuckles) Isn't it really late? You know, what do think this is? Dallas Cowboy training camp?

KID They sell eggs here.

TREVOR Look, I would like to believe you're not gonna send me to the funny farm, but how do I know that the men with the oversized butterfly nets are not waiting for me back in Chicago.

CLAIRE Trust me.

TREVOR Trust you? You know that I trust you, Claire, but some people say that I suffer from delusions.

CLAIRE (on tape recorder) Greeley is probably right. I've allowed my fondness for the patient to cloud my judgement. His enduring faith in the power of love, his unsinkable zest for life, his raw optimism, in a cynical time Trevor Hale's philosophy is seductive and I'm not always immune.

SOPHIE/CHAMP Give her one last kiss.
One last kiss.

CLAIRE (V.O. - on tape recorder) Trevor Hale is delusional. Of that I am certain. It is a delusion that has no off switch. It is reflexive and relentless. I firmly believe that his dreams are of nymphs and satyrs.

CLAIRE (on tape recorder) Certainly our over riding goal must be to cure this patient. To remove the block that prevents the real Trevor Hale from surfacing.

CLAIRE (V.O. - on tape recorder) But using drugs to artificially strip Trevor of his Cupid façade without removing the block leaves us with nothing. Neither the man he once was nor the roman god he claims to be.

SOPHIE All right, this next song is a request. Trevor, this is for you. I used to be much cooler than this.
(starts playing music)
Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you like and hold her tight
So happy together

SOPHIE (cont'd) If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together...

TREVOR So, I met with Dr. Greeley today.

CLAIRE Uh-huh?

TREVOR It sounds like the only thing standing between me and a rubber room is you.

CLAIRE Yeah, well the only thing standing between me and professional suicide is you.

TREVOR/CLAIRE
(simultaneously) Don't screw it up.

SOPHIE When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be

SOPHIE (cont'd) The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba

FADE TO BLACK