NARRATOR (V.O.) Once upon a time, in a city much like yours, there lived a princess. Metaphorically speaking, of course. But she was indeed considered royalty within her chosen profession.

NARRATOR (V.O.) She was, in fact, renowned throughout the land for her wisdom and legions of followers doted on her every word. Anyone could see that this was a woman on her way to the top.

NARRATOR (V.O.) But to the top of what? Her own ivory tower, perhaps? A prisoner to her work? Leaving her with a personal life that was not unlike the great hall of a castle. Capable of holding vast quantities yet so empty it echoed.

MIKE This was...
(trying to find the words)
It was magical. It never happened like this before. Our eyes met, we knew we were destined to be together. We lived a whole lifetime in one night. Then the next day she called and cancelled our date to go to a wedding.

CLAIRE Well, it sounds like a legitimate excuse.

MIKE Her own wedding!

LAURENCE And what? She couldn't do both?

CLAIRE Mike, I think you were the unfortunate participant in a time-honoured ritual known as the last fling.

NICK No the unfortunate one is the sap who married her. She sounds like my ex. A real piece of work. When she left me, she bought me a gun. She said if she was ever stupid enough to come back, I should shoot her.

TREVOR Ah, the smell of the desperate, the roar of the cowed. Sorry I guess I'm ten minutes early.

CLAIRE Actually you're twenty minutes late. The session begins at seven.

TREVOR Right, see, but you spend the first thirty minutes going over the deja boo-hoo. You know, the feeling that we've all heard these sob stories before.

CLAIRE Note to self. Have Trevor speak at my "alienating your peers" seminar.

TREVOR
(not to be out done) In this corner we have the women. They claim to be looking for love, yet they have a recurring speech impediment every time a man comes into the picture...

TINA (O.S.) Speech impediment?!

TREVOR (cont'd) ...you can't say "yes".
(gestures to the men)
In the other corner we have the men. Might as well file their tax returns under professional doormats. They really feel they can handle themselves in bed, yet they can't figure out why they end up doing just that.

CLAIRE Are you finished?

TREVOR
(sits) Yes I am. I've said my piece.

CLAIRE Thank you.

TREVOR
(stands) Ex-- except what's wrong with talking about making things work for a change?

CLAIRE His piece just got a little bit bigger.

TREVOR (cont'd)
(pulls out a twenty dollar bill) I have a freshly minted dead president for the first person that can talk about anything other than getting stomped on like a grape. Come on, contestants. You gotta spin it to win it.

CLAIRE So, returning to the show already in progress...

VALERIE Um, actually, this is something I don't know if you can make work.

TREVOR
(in an announcer's voice) Lady from Dubuque, come on down!

VALERIE Well, there's this guy and, um, he's rugged, outdoorsy, muscular...

TINA Wow! What's his number?

VALERIE And he has the softest eyes.

VALERIE (V.O.) I see him everyday at work, well, outside. He doesn't really work with me. And no matter how pointless or boring or bad my day is, he's right there, just ready to take me away from it all. I mean he's an amazing guy. He has a cabin out west. He built it himself.

VALERIE (cont'd)
(misty eyed) He rides horses. He cooks. Well, at least that's the way it seems to me.

CLAIRE Have you talked to him?

VALERIE No. No I haven't.

VALERIE (V.O.) Um, he's the model on the billboard across the street.

CLAIRE Actually, there's a term for this. It's called the "White Knight" syndrome. A person's desire to be rescued from a given situation is so strong that she unfairly invests a total stranger with the qualities required to fulfil her needs.

VALERIE No. No, it's more than that. I-- I can tell. I've dated a lot of men since I've lived here and this is someone who I can settle down with. I mean, this is someone I know won't disappoint me.

TREVOR Meet him.

VALERIE Meet him?

TREVOR Yes. You, him, same location. Exchange ego-enhancing stories.

VALERIE Mmm, no. I mean, he's... I don't think I could ever...

CLAIRE Take it past the fantasy, because reality could never measure up. You see, fantasies, by definition, are self-centred constructs and anyone who invests too much in them, are setting themselves up for disappointment.

TREVOR It must be heavy.

CLAIRE What?

TREVOR Carrying that soapbox around with you.

CLAIRE Actually, it's called a degree, and it's why I'm the one sitting in the chair.
(to Valerie)
Valerie, uh, this isn't something I'd recommend.

TREVOR Excuse me, Dr. No, that's exactly what I'm talking about. What's wrong with saying yes?

CLAIRE What? Take a chance? Live the fantasy?

TREVOR Now you're reading my mind.

CLAIRE I'm a fan of fiction. You can find the answer in someone you might have heard of, Icarus. Inventor of the original crash and burn.

TREVOR At least he dared to do it his way. He went top drawer, first class.

CLAIRE Well, I would rather fly coach and land in one piece. Which is what I'm saying to you, Valerie. The longer you hold on to this impossible dream, the longer you're gonna be distracted from the real goal, which is to find a viable, down to earth relationship.

CLAIRE All right, remember this Friday is cancelled, I am off to the lake for a well deserved vacation, but next Tuesday's session is still on, all right?

VALERIE Okay, thanks.

CLAIRE See you later, bye-bye.

TREVOR So, about our little chat.

VALERIE Trevor is it?

TREVOR Yeah.

VALERIE Look, this is all just a little embarrassing. I mean I know how it sounded. Like I'm some adolescent with a crush.

TREVOR No, no, no. It sounded like a lot more than that to me. It sounded like the answer to something that's been missing in your life. What if I could make it happen? The two of you meeting.

VALERIE How would you do that?

TREVOR I got friends in high places. Here's the deal. I will take care of everything and I will do all the work. I will hunt him down. I will talk to him. If he's interested I will set up the meet-n-greet. You don't have to do a single thing, except say that one word.

VALERIE Yes.

TREVOR Take me to your billboard.

NARRATOR (V.O.) After briefly bestowing her wisdom upon her subjects, the princess returned alone to her castle.

BEEP

EDITOR (on machine) Claire, you there? Of course you're there. If not, where? Breath of fresh air? Not our Claire. I'll try the office.

BEEP

JACLYN (on machine) Isn't this just what you wanted? A message from your assistant. Anyway the paper called, they need your column by Monday and the medical board wants those updated profiles by Tuesday. Is your laptop waterproof?

BEEP

AGENT (on machine) It's me, the evil queen you sometimes refer to as your agent. Big news, New York Times Magazine wants the article you're doing to be a three-parter and they want to run part one next week. Three times more material, two less weeks to finish it. Sorry, but I know you'll take it like the constant professional that you are.

CLAIRE Augh!

TREVOR Rampant consumerism! Money chasing society, selling itself right into an early grave. Have you seen these ads?

CHAMP
(opening his eyes, slightly) No. I like to save the paper for when I'm actually awake.

TREVOR I promised this woman that I would hunt down this guy on a billboard. He left his manager. They don't know where he is. I've been through every paper and magazine in every mailbox on the block. He's not in a single ad.

CHAMP This has to be a dream. No one would really wake me up for this.

TREVOR You know the world. The agencies, the auditions and stuff. You gotta help me find him.

CHAMP Thought you were a one man militia of love.

TREVOR I need re-enforcements. This is recon into unfamiliar territory. What will it take to get you out there with me?

CHAMP Chloroform.

TREVOR I-- I'm fresh out. I was thinking more along the lines of doing your laundry.

TREVOR And the ironing.

TREVOR And the dishes.

TREVOR For a month.

MUSIC It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side

MUSIC (cont'd) and said I'm angry
Five days since you laughed at me saying
Get that together come back and see me

MUSIC (cont'd) Three days since the living room,
I realised it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

MUSIC (cont'd) Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish

MUSIC (cont'd) Although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi
'Cause it's never touched a frying pan
Hot like Wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes

TREVOR What?! Do they turn these guys out in a factory? We've been to eleven of these places. It's like finding a needle in a hunk stack.

TREVOR Come on, man, I'm tired. They can't all be gold.

CHAMP I told you. The agencies are told to send specific types for the auditions. The clients do surveys, market research; they know exactly what they want.

TREVOR All right...

BRIANNA You're perfect. Casual elegance, presence to spare, a face, a body. You're exactly what we're looking for.

CHAMP
(looks at the other men, who are all white) Did you tell them?

BRIANNA You know what you want, until the right thing walks in. That's my next book.

TREVOR Mmm.

BRIANNA
(to Trevor) Don't tell me. The agent?

TREVOR Oh, you flatter me. No, I'm just a friend. I must tell you how impressed I am. I never would have thought the people who fake the world into buying overpriced products would be such swell folks.

TREVOR Oh, that's my next book.

BRIANNA
(to Trevor) We don't encourage friends on the set.

TREVOR (O.S.) That's an excellent rule.

CHAMP Look, I'm really not here for the auditions.

BRIANNA I know. You have none of that rancid neediness. I'm Brianna. The job is yours if you want it.

CHAMP I don't know. This isn't exactly where I see my acting career going right now.

BRIANNA It pays a thousand a day.

TREVOR It is a whole Nietzscheian super male thing. Your mother will tell you, you did not come from a test tube, do not believe her. You have been bred for dominance. The first thing you need to do, take a mate.

TREVOR Eureka!

SCOTT Now let me get this straight. She wants to meet me because she's fallen in love with my picture?

TREVOR Yeah. That's never happened to you before? You see someone in a magazine, you know, someone whose look intrigues you? You know, someone, uh, you know, kinda like this.

SCOTT She's beautiful.

TREVOR Yeah, she is.

SCOTT
(still looking at the picture) She likes to laugh.

TREVOR Loves to laugh. She's pro-giggle. Her name is Valerie. She's smart, funny, loves kids. Not that she's in a rush.

SCOTT
(hands back the picture) I don't know. She sounds intriguing, I just don't know... I feel that...

TREVOR How about this? You pick a public place, right? A cup of coffee maybe an Italian biscuit.

SCOTT Italian biscuit?

TREVOR Try this on for prospective. Woman comes up to you, says "I love your look, audition tomorrow nine o'clock". Would you go?

SCOTT Yeah.

TREVOR Okay. Think of this as an audition. You're auditioning, she's auditioning, and if by some wonderfully insane chance it works out, you both have the role of a lifetime.

SCOTT Cup of coffee couldn't hurt.

TREVOR No, sir.

NARRATOR (V.O.) The princess prided herself on her ability to focus. Immune to any distractions that might take her from her chosen course. The stars were aligned in her life and as all the other great scientists of her era were well aware, once the stars are aligned they continue on course for eternity.

NARRATOR (V.O.) Or do they?

NARRATOR (V.O.) Up till now she was only vaguely aware of what she was missing by locking herself in her tower. A life, the more poetic among us might say, but maybe that was about to change.

NARRATOR (V.O.) Something new had just been left on her doorstep. We'll call it hope.

FADE OUT

NARRATOR (V.O.) No kiss to wake the sleeping beauty, and only a fast approaching deadline and the morning newspaper awaiting her waking hours.

NARRATOR (V.O.) Oh, and the gold egg and muffins. It appeared that the princess just might have a mysterious suitor. And given that he had momentarily taken her mind from her work would it be that big a stretch to think of him as her white knight?

VALERIE Scott?

SCOTT Valerie?

VALERIE Yes. Uh, wow, hi. It's, um, it's you, really here in person.

SCOTT Heh, yeah, they let me off the billboard once a week to learn the ways of your people. Ha ha.

SCOTT Wow, wh...

SCOTT/VALERIE (simultaneously) So...

VALERIE Uh, Trevor tells me you're in international relations?

SCOTT Uh, close. I teach English to immigrants.

VALERIE Oh.

SCOTT Uh, and he said you own a venture capital firm?

VALERIE Close, I'm a junior accountant.

SCOTT I'm afraid to ask what else he exaggerated about me.

VALERIE I was a business major at a school near my hometown.

SCOTT Where's that?

VALERIE Just outside of Missoula, Montana. I grew up on a cattle ranch.

SCOTT Really?

VALERIE I had my own horse, I would hike with my three brothers. What about you? How did you get into modelling?

SCOTT A scout saw me on campus one day and I needed the money for student loans. Now it's my main source of income, but I'm thinking of getting out of it though.

VALERIE Oh, really? Why?

SCOTT Well, you tend to lose credibility in a classroom when your students see you on the side of a bus in striped jockey shorts.

VALERIE (laughs) I suppose so. But I'll bet your class is standing room only. I'd go and I already speak the language.

CLAIRE I shouldn't even plan vacations. Vacations are for people who have time. For people who have... what?

JACLYN Fun?

CLAIRE Fun. Right, right. Could you call Dr. Turlig, tell him I cannot make lunch, see if Veronica Warton wants my ballet tickets for Friday, and move my "Seniors Seeking Love" lecture back, three weeks.

JACLYN
(their time is short) Seniors.

CLAIRE Okay, two.
(looks at her day planner)
Uh, could you see if you can find any information on the mating habits of giraffes.

JACLYN Giraffes?

CLAIRE Oh, it's a long story.

CLAIRE Long story, get it, giraffe. See, I have fun.

CLAIRE Oh, um, do you, by any chance, know if anyone sent me flowers yesterday?

JACLYN Oh, nuts. What incredibly special occasion did I space out on, this time?

CLAIRE Nothing, nothing. It's just... there were these flowers sitting on my porch and these odd little gifts, no note, no occasion. Would you mind calling Jonathon Ballan and anyone else you can think of and try to find out who might have sent them?

JACLYN Yeah.

CLAIRE Thanks.

TREVOR (O.S.) She lives!

CLAIRE Why do you always know where to find me?

TREVOR Kinda eerie isn't it, almost godlike. Speaking of things religious, you, sweatpants, out in public, isn't that the seventh sign of the Apocalypse?

CLAIRE I'm on a deadline. I'm picking up some files, which covers my reason for being here.

TREVOR I heard that your trip to the lake dried up, I wanted to see what happened.

CLAIRE And?

TREVOR You caught me. I'm here for some full frontal gloating. Guess who's out happy ever-aftering with her straight-off-the-billboard dream guy.

CLAIRE Valerie?

TREVOR You played before.

CLAIRE Yes, so have you. I don't believe this. After everything I said, you got them together, and you did all this behind my back?

TREVOR Up until now.

CLAIRE When are you gonna learn, Trevor? When are you going to stop interfering in people's lives?

TREVOR And here I thought all your lectures were cancelled.

CLAIRE He's a man in a picture, Trevor, okay. She doesn't know him. She's gonna get hurt.

TREVOR He promised no more sticking women on slave ships and selling them in foreign ports.

CLAIRE Look, I'm being serious. She is living in a fantasy world. What happens when the real thing comes up short and she doesn't end up with either one of them?

TREVOR Are you saying that there is no possible way these two will ever hit it off?

CLAIRE I'm saying the odds of a man she's only seen in a billboard having everything she wants in a relationship are roughly similar to the odds of being dragged from your living room by a pack of wild dogs.

TREVOR
(mock amazement) All those words and you did not take a breath. Is it true what you can tell about a woman by the length of her sentences?

CLAIRE
(fed up) Is that your cab?

TREVOR Everyone wants to indulge in a fantasy. It's human nature. Like eating, sleeping, insurance fraud.

CLAIRE Oh well, far be it for me to argue fraud with you.

TREVOR Ha ha. Excuse me, but whatever crawled up your butt is unusually large today. Why are you so dead set against letting these two try? Huh?

CLAIRE Because.

TREVOR Because?

CLAIRE Because!

TREVOR Because is not an answer. Because is something you say when you're in fourth grade and you don't have one.

CLAIRE Because I don't believe in it. Because I think people have to put their faith in something real, something they know has a chance.

TREVOR You know what you don't believe in? You don't believe in what you just said. Anyone would like to see these two get together. I'm starting to think this has something to do with something else entirely. Like, perhaps jealousy?

CLAIRE Jealousy?

TREVOR I said it first. There you are sitting home alone. Here I am, yet again, giving one of your clients directions on the road to romance.

CLAIRE You always send them the wrong way. I'm always the one at the scene of the accident. I just can't believe you actually think I am jealous of you.

TREVOR No, no, no. Not of me. Of them. We are going to late innings and for those of you scoring at home, which unfortunately does not include the good doctor, the game is a blow-out!

CLAIRE What game?

TREVOR The dating game! What is the deal with the expert on love and relationships who has dinner every night for one? Have you ever heard of field work?

CLAIRE You know what? This is not a scheduled session, so I don't have to listen. And I'll have you know there just happens to be someone who's... never mind.

TREOVR Who's what?

CLAIRE Never mind!

JACLYN Excuse me? Yeah, I've made a few calls about the flowers and gifts. And none of the doctors around here... sent... them.

CLAIRE
(trying to wave her off) Thank you.

TREVOR
(grins) Anonymous gift giver, huh? Hmmm. Are we possibly talking super secret squeeze?

CLAIRE I have no intention of discussing my personal life.

TREVOR I'm just happy that you have a personal life. I thought you were making a beeline to the multiple cat purchases.

CLAIRE Leave it alone, Trevor.

TREVOR I can tell by your face you really like it. This guy rattles your cage, kibbles your bits, sauces your...

BANG!

CLAIRE I have fired my warning shot!

TREVOR Gotcha. We'll talk about it later. Planning your honeymoon. Deciding which diploma gets to go on top. Listen, just a bit of advice, sounds like a fantasy to me. You might not want to ruin it by actually meeting him.

TREVOR
(in a funny voice) Champ Terrace is fetching in a fall ensemble that includes laundry shrunk jeans that give the buttocks an alluring lift. His taut and tortured v-neck just screams "treat me like the tart that I am".

TREVOR The face man cometh.

CHAMP I'm psyched. You know, they're talking about doing a national commercial now? The last guy that Brianna discovered went on to do magazine covers, all the best talk shows. Even got his own website.

TREVOR Not that you've given it much thought.

TREVOR Is that the sound of someone who's had a great day?

VALERIE
(with a big smile on her face) Yes, it was wonderful. That man makes my earlobes sweat. He's smart, he's funny, he's sophisticated. Almost everything I could ask for.

TREVOR Almost?

VALERIE Well, I'm still getting to know him. It's not easy meeting someone you've been dreaming about for six months. You're afraid you might wake up.

TREVOR And?

VALERIE I'm still dreaming.

TREVOR
(smiles) All right.

VALERIE Anyway, I just wanted to come by and say thank you. I still can't believe you made this happen.

TREVOR Just think of me as McCupid, over 15 billion served.

VALERIE (laughs) Bye.

TREVOR See ya.

NARRATOR (V.O.) Meanwhile, back in her ivory tower, a short break from her work and a moment to ponder life outside.

CLAIRE
(picks up phone) Hello?

TREVOR (on phone) Oh, I love it when you talk like that. All breathy schoolgirl, I can practically smell the knee socks.

CLAIRE Trevor, what do you want?

TREVOR You mean besides the schoolgirl stuff? I called to brag a little bit more about the Scott and Valerie thing, proving yet again that I am the master of love in the Windy City.

CLAIRE Master of the windy part, maybe.

TREVOR
(making drinks while talking on the phone) They came to play, went the full three sets and the score is tied at love-love.

CLAIRE Well, enjoy it while it lasts, which given whose idea it was, should be about another twenty minutes.

TREVOR Nihilism. Don't try at home, kids. And speaking of that home, I have a little information about your situation.

CLAIRE My situation?

TREVOR Yes, your situation. I have talked to the higher-ups to find out who is leaving those gifts and they have completely ruled out magic elves.

CLAIRE Goodbye, Trev...

CLAIRE It's him.

TREVOR (on the phone) Him? Him who?

TREVOR (on the phone) Don't step on any flaming paper bags!

NARRATOR (V.O.) The princess gave chase but the mysterious figure was to quick for her, mounting his trusty stallion and disappearing into the forest. She could only wonder who was doing this. Some sort of wizard? And if so, what manner of spell had he cast on her?

FADE OUT

BEEP (answering machine)

JACLYN (on machine) Hi, it's Jac. Um, I'm still searching for your mystery man. It's not the construction worker or the guy who waved to you from his Toyota. Oh, and your editor wants to know where the pages are.

BEEP

CLAIRE I got you!

PAPER BOY Wow! I thought these things only happen in those letters to Penthouse!

NARRATOR (V.O.) The princess' desire to know her suitor's identity exposed a side of her many have never seen before.
(beat)
Scratch that. This is too romantic to be marred by double entendre.

VALERIE I practically grew up in a tent. The food didn't taste quite right if it wasn't cooked with butane. We should go sometime.

SCOTT Camping?

VALERIE Yeah.

SCOTT Boy, I remember my first time. I was, uh, thirteen. My dad had me join the scouts, and uh, I don't know, we were in the middle of somewhere, I don't know where we were. And I had to get up in the middle of the night to... you know... and I wandered out and got hopelessly lost.

VALERIE Oh no.

SCOTT Yeah I just...

VALERIE What happened?

SCOTT Well, they found me eighteen hours later hanging on to a ledge. Yeah, I'd wandered around in the dark and fallen off a cliff.

VALERIE Wow! I certainly hope that was your worst camping experience?

SCOTT It was and it was my last.

VALERIE Last? Not once since then?

SCOTT Nope. I mean, the call of the wild doesn't really call to me. The closest that I get to the outdoors is a John Denver album.

CLAIRE
(reading the instructions) Set control to auto focus.

TREVOR Nice shot. Wish I had the camera.

CLAIRE
(turns to him) Don't sneak up on me like that.

TREVOR Oh, I'm sorry. Is there a proper way to sneak up on you? What's that?

CLAIRE What?

TREVOR
(points to the camera) That what. Strange little thing sticking out of your wall. Could swear it wasn't there yesterday.

CLAIRE
(climbs off the ladder) You know, I think I hear my phone.

TREVOR Doubt it, unless it rings on dog frequencies.

TREVOR
(hands it to her) Here it is. Where were we?

CLAIRE At wits end.

TREVOR Uh-huh.

CLAIRE Okay, look, it's a camera.

TREVOR Kinda stalking your stalker, huh?

CLAIRE He's not a stalker. What he is, is just someone...

TREVOR Who knows where you lives, sneaks around your doorstep, always has you wondering when he's gonna show up again. What would you call it?

CLAIRE Trevor.

TREVOR Ha ha ha. At least I bring lunch.

CLAIRE You brought that for me?

TREVOR Well, you know, Linda figured since you're stuck inside and all...

CLAIRE Linda... well, that's nice of both of you.

TREVOR Yeah, well, you think that was nice? I'm adding years to your life. I saw all the fat and grease, decided to take one for the team. Ate the fish, chips and stew on the side.

CLAIRE Thoughtful of you. That leaves me with what?

TREVOR Boiled cabbage. Yeah. Or...
(looks into the bag)
Not-- not quite sure what it is.

CLAIRE Well, you thank Linda when you get back to work.
(beat)
As in now.

TREVOR Oh no sweat. I'm on a break. So, the not-the-stalker guy, drops off a couple of midnight packages and suddenly, you're silly putty.

CLAIRE I am not silly putty, okay. What I am, besides wearing thin of you, is curious.

TREVOR Oh, really? Curiosity...

CLAIRE Trevor all I want to know is who and why, okay? There's nothing more to it than that, all right? I-- I admit it's very sweet. Very sweet and no one has ever really done that for me before.
(folds the ladder)
Well-- well, actually no. Once, Jeff Spina, when I was fourteen years old.

TREVOR What does a fourteen year old drop off at your door? Condoms and a bottle of Brass Monkey?

CLAIRE Bubbles, the kind you blow. I just remember how nice it made me feel.

TREVOR Right.

CLAIRE You know, that someone cared enough to get me something that personal. Every time I looked in my desk, boom, there they were.

TREVOR (on the monitor) Well, hip-hip hurray for Jeff Speeda!

CLAIRE
(shouts out to him) Spina!

TREVOR (on the monitor) Spina, whatever. You're a grown-up now and to paraphrase an old drinking buddy of mine, "You should beware of freaks bearing gifts"!

CLAIRE
(shouts out to him) Leave your bag on my porch, then.

TREVOR Reminds me of a not dissimilar story. Boy likes girl, he doesn't want her to see him, it's called "Phantom of the Opera".

CLAIRE Oh, for a falling chandelier.

TREVOR I'm just saying any guy that's kept himself this hidden, did not just step off a billboard.
(mock apology)
Oops, I'm sorry, that's not a subject you care to talk about. I-- I'm sorry.

CLAIRE Oh, Scott and Valerie? No, not at all. I have no problem talking about them.

TREVOR Okay.

CLAIRE I am sure they are getting along famously, probably even on the third date by now.

TREVOR Wow. See now, Claire must be short for clairvoyant.

CLAIRE
(putting the tape into the machine) Which is about the time it happens.

TREVOR (sighs) Used to happen on the first date. Ah, the seventies. I came back in the wrong decade.

CLAIRE I am talking about the inevitable. Look, I wish it wasn't so, I really do, but it's just about now, Valerie will find something that isn't quite flawless about him. He snaps his gum, he-- he leaves water rings on the coffee table, he spells "a lot" as one word. Then like a hairline break in a fine crystal vase, her idealised facade will begin to crack, you see, and there's no glue that can fix it. So, Trevor, help me.

TREVOR What?

CLAIRE It'll only take a sec. I can't do this by myself, so you just stand here so I can check the focus.

TREVOR Okay.

TREVOR (on the monitor) You know what, you think that you always have the last word on this, well you don't, okay. Here is the last word...

CLICK

BRIANNA (to a passing waiter)
Oh, excuse me, we ordered some champagne.
(turns to Champ)
Now, Champ, I brought you here to tell you something. Something that will be very exciting.
(to another passing waiter)
Something that would be even more exciting if we had some champagne!
(to Champ)
We'd like to feature you in a series of Khaki Nation commercials.

CHAMP What exactly does that mean?

BRIANNA It means that you'll be the centre of our campaign. On going primetime spots revolving around you in any number of Khaki Nation outfits and there's more. We'll be filming them in fifteen different cities over the next three months.

BRIANNA Excuse me, um, normally at this point I'm awash in tears and thank-yous.

CHAMP I-- I'm sorry, it's very flattering. Really. It's just that, I've already promised the next several months to the Eden Theatre here in town. I'm playing Banquo in Macbeth. It's a great opportunity I....

BRIANNA Oh, forget Macbeth. A year with us you could buy the Eden Theatre and get yourself in an American play.

BRIANNA Exposure, experience, expenses paid.

POP

BRIANNA What do you say? Do I send it back?

NARRATOR (V.O.) True, she was still entrenched in her tower but clearly work was no longer all that was consuming our fair maiden.

VALERIE Hello?

CLAIRE (on phone) Hi, uh, Valerie. It's Dr. Allen. Claire. Uh, am I interrupting anything?

VALERIE No. No, no, just, um, just work, but that's a good thing to interrupt.

CLAIRE Tell me about it, um, Trevor-- Trevor mentioned that you got together with, uh, your, uh, that, uh...

VALERIE My billboard guy, yeah. Look, you know, I know you warned me against it, I know you said that it wasn't...

CLAIRE No, no, no, Valerie, I-- I'm not calling to scold you, I mean, really I was just wondering how things were working out, you know? I think I might have, uh, been a little to quick to try to stop you, like I did. And I'm thinking, you know, what's the big deal, what's wrong with, uh, having an image of someone and wanting to meet him, see if he lives up to it, you know?

VALERIE He doesn't. I mean he does, in so many ways. He-- he's great, I mean, he's everything any woman in her right mind could ask for, it's just... (sighs) he's not the guy I had in my head.

CLAIRE Uh, but-- but you like him, yes?

VALERIE Yeah, I like him a lot. The thing is, Dr. Allen, I mean, he's a city guy, you know? He's happy here and... I don't know, I was just... I was thinking and hoping...

CLAIRE Maybe he'd step off the billboard, sweep you onto his horse and take you back to the ranch. Maybe rescue you?

VALERIE Rescue me?

CLAIRE Well, Valerie, it's just a thought but in the group you've mentioned Montana and how much you miss it.

VALERIE I'm not very happy here, Dr. Allen. Maybe you're right. Maybe that's what I wanted.

CLAIRE Valerie, it's okay to feel like that. A lot of people want to be rescued. You know, if-- if he's really that terrific you might just want to hang on, be open to who he really is rather than holding on to what you hoped he'd be.

VALERIE I'll try.

CLAIRE And I am pulling for a happy ending, you know.

VALERIE Thank you.

SCOTT You want me to be more rugged?

TREVOR Look, you like her don't ya?

SCOTT Yeah, I do. As a matter of fact, I thought our date went really well.
(grins)
We actually almost kissed.

TREVOR Almost? Did you miss?

SCOTT Look, I am amazed at how much I like this girl, you know, considering the unusual way we met. It's just after that, I got the feeling that she wants something else in a guy, you know.... something else. Something I can't be.

TREVOR Is this the part where you cry? Look, you have a tiny crack in the vase, we can mend that good as new. She needs to see the other side. I was talking to her earlier today...

SCOTT What do I do? Go to Africa and wipe out an endangered species?

TREVOR Why not? Look, she wants to climb mountains, you want to paint them. Case in point.

SCOTT Ernest Hemingway?

TREVOR Yes.

SCOTT What's this?

TREVOR That is homework.

SCOTT Homework? What are you doing? Where are you going?

NARRATOR (V.O.) The very next morning...

CLAIRE Is that you?

CLAIRE No, no, no. Come back. Come back.

CLAIRE Hello?

TREVOR (on phone) Trevor here. Did anyone boil your bunny yet?

NARRATOR (V.O.) So with a picture and a bit of imagination the princess had conjured up a depth of emotion too long absent from her life. But hadn't the danger of that just been confirmed? The danger of expecting anyone to live up to a picture? Somehow none of that mattered. She had become enveloped by something. Suddenly she was excited by life in a way she hadn't been in years, and of all the gifts he had given her that feeling was the most magical of all.

FADE OUT

TREVOR Well, you know, I just thought maybe as her assistant, you had the inside-inside. Like, maybe you knew who it was but she swore you to secrecy. That kind of thing.
(beat)
No, no, no. It's not about me. You know, it's about Claire. It's about making sure this guy is above board.
(beat)
Heh Heh heh. Yeah, that's me. I put the "screw" in "scrupulous". Listen, if you do find out...
(beat)
You'll tell Claire and she'll tell me when she feels like it. Okay. What about, um.... hello?

CHAMP
(speaking more to himself than to Trevor) What if I was meant to be part of some greater plan? What if I was meant to expand my goals? Broaden my horizons. I mean, theatre is nice but commercials, that's a whole new way for me to showcase my talents. Let the whole world take notice of me. I mean, really, they're little sixty second plays. They evoke laughter, emotion, drama. Take that Maytag repair man. Tell me he doesn't evoke a Samuel Beckett like pathos. Ha, that's it!

CHAMP (cont'd) Hey man, thanks for clearing this up for me. Banquo's a nice validation but Khaki Nation is the true arrival of Champ Terrace. It's time for my career to bloom.

TREVOR Flower shop!

TREVOR (cont'd) That's how I can find this guy.

BRIANNA
(making introductions) Champ. Ava. Ava. Champ.

CHAMP What's up.

BRIANNA Classic facial lines, perfect symmetry, but she couldn't spell cat if I spotted her the "c" and the "t". By the way, did I mention the client's decision to go with a new approach.

CHAMP New approach?

BRIANNA "Ava is the only thing that'll get them out of their Khaki Nations". Or something along those lines. Very hip, very artsy.

CHAMP Very not what you and I talked about. What the hell happened to exposure, experience, expenses paid?

BRIANNA Demographics, honey. We're all victims. They decided Ava better targets their audience. They love your body parts, though. If you can't be the face of Khaki Nation, you're welcome to be the... shoulder.

VALERIE I have to say, Scott, I was a little surprised when you suggested this. I mean, after what you said, I didn't think you rode.

SCOTT Yeah, well, sometimes I surprise myself.

VALERIE You know, Scott, I want you to know that, uh, being out here is... well, sort of perfect, you know?

SCOTT Look, Valerie, I...

SCOTT Valerie.

VALERIE
(turns her head) What?

SCOTT Valerie!

SCOTT Valerie!

VALERIE Help!

SCOTT Hang on!

SCOTT Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

SCOTT Are you okay? Are you all right?

VALERIE Oh my god!

SCOTT You okay?

VALERIE Oh, yes! That was incredible! I cannot believe that you actually...

SCOTT Okay, Valerie, listen...

VALERIE I had no idea almost getting killed was so much fun!

SCOTT I know...

VALERIE Can we do this tomorrow?

SCOTT Valerie, listen to me! I-- I can't do this. I can't do any of it. Look, this isn't the right time, I'm sorry.

VALERIE No, no, no, um, I'm okay. What is it?

SCOTT I know this wasn't a normal day out on the range. But this whole rugged, outdoorsy thing and the stuff from the billboard, that isn't who I am. I mean, I like the city, I like books, I like public transportation. This, I don't like. I mean, deep down inside you want me to be this Indiana Jones, but I can't.

VALERIE But, Scott, that's not true. My god, you just...

SCOTT Did something without thinking. I got lucky. Valerie, I am surprised that we both aren't dead. The sad thing is, I really like you. But I can't be this guy, I can't do this. I mean, maybe I could learn to like it, but what if I didn't? It just.... there'd be something missing. It wouldn't be perfect.

VALERIE What if, I mean, what if it doesn't matter?

SCOTT It does matter. You shouldn't have to change who you are to make this work out. The truth is neither one of us should.

NARRATOR (V.O.) The often fruitless search for romance, impending deadlines at work, how could a damsel not be in distress? Or, at least discomfort.

CLAIRE
(reading the note) Kiss me.

CLAIRE No offence. You're a frog.

CLAIRE All right, you can't turn into one, can you?

CLAIRE (as she grabs the frog)
Ewww.
(holds it close to her face)
Okay.

CLAIRE
(wiping her lips) Okay, what am I doing? Oh my god.

CLAIRE
(surprised) I-- I-- I can't... it's... I... it-- it worked. You're him and you're here. Um, I-- I'm sorry, I-- I'm Claire. You-- you probably already know that, don't you?

NICHOLAS No, no I don't. I'm Nicholas.

CLAIRE
(shakes his hand) Hi.

NICHOLAS Nice to meet you. Are you Sarah's roommate?

CLAIRE Um, Sarah?

NICHOLAS Sarah Reed? This is her apartment isn't it?

CLAIRE No. No, no, no. Not, uh, since last August.

NICHOLAS
(embarrassed) Oh my god.

CLAIRE So-- so you...

NICHOLAS Oh, I-- I am so sorry. You must have thought all this...

CLAIRE No, no, no, really, you know what, it's, I... I'm so busy at work, I hardly even...

NICHOLAS I feel terrible, I just... you know, last time I saw her she lived here. I-- I didn't know she moved.

CLAIRE It's not a big deal, really. I mean, it-- it's an honest mistake. So, huh.

NICHOLAS Look, if there's anything I can, uh... I mean... to make up for the trouble I caused, I...

CLAIRE Oh, please, no, no. I mean, I-- I'm the one that feels so badly, uh, I mean, you certainly weren't expecting me for all your effort.

NICHOLAS Sarah and I broke up in May. Haven't been able to stop thinking about her. I just moved back to town. I was hoping to win her back.

CLAIRE Oh. If it's any consolation, you were doing a really good job.
(in a whisper)
I kissed the frog. I did.

NICHOLAS Well, okay.

CLAIRE Oh! Um, I-- I have a question. How did you get into my living room? Because I had the locks changed when I moved in.

NICHOLAS I didn't come into your living room.

CLAIRE
(pulls the Scrabble piece from her pocket) Oh, well, I found this, under the cushion. I don't play Scrabble.

NICHOLAS
(examining the Scrabble piece) A "p". Like "The Princess and..."? I like it, but I can't take credit for it.
(hands it back)
So, I guess I should get going. You wouldn't, by any chance, know where she might have gone. She isn't listed.

CLAIRE
(apologetic) No.

NICHOLAS No. Okay.
(beat)
I'm really sorry. About all of it.

CLAIRE Not at all.

NICHOLAS Okay.

CLAIRE
(stopping him) Oh! Wait a minute! Wait one minute.

CLAIRE You know, uh, I think she left a card or something with her name on it, in case I had any questions about the apartment. Oh, here it is.
(walks to the door and hands him a card)
Here. I, uh... I hope she's still there.

NICHOLAS
(with a smile on his face) Thank you. Thank you very much.

NARRATOR (V.O.) And so the prince was reunited with his maiden. Reminding us that most fairy tales do have happy endings.

NARRATOR (V.O.) And for those that don't seem to, the possibility of finding one may still lie ahead...

NARRATOR (V.O.) In going home...

NARRATOR (V.O.) Going back...

NARRATOR (V.O.) Or going on.

NARRATOR (V.O.) And in some cases, knowing that even though finding your prince may not be as easy as opening your front door, sometimes playing fairy godmother is sufficient reward.

NARRATOR (O.S.)
(reading the article) The moral of this story? That not everyone gets rescued, but being awaken to the possibility is a happy ending in itself.

NARRATOR Wasn't too distracting, was it? You know, me reading that whole thing out loud?

TREVOR No, not at all. It was actually very educational.
(points to their Scrabble game)
Let's finish this up tomorrow, okay?

NARRATOR Sure.

TREVOR There's something I have to take care of.

MUSIC I play a good game
But not as good as you
I can be a little cold
But you can be so cruel

MUSIC I'm not made of brick
I'm not made of stone
But I had you fooled
Enough to take me on

MUSIC If love was a war
It's you who has won
While I was confessing it
You held your tongue
Now the damage is done

Well there's blood in these veins
and I cry when in pain
I'm only human on the inside
And if looks could deceive
Make it hard to believe
I'm only human on the inside

FADE TO BLACK