Cupid - 1.02 - The Linguist

CUPID

"The Linguist"

By
Rob Thomas

TEASER
FADE IN:

EXT. CHICAGO SIDEWALK - DAY

Claire comes out of a store and starts walking down the sidewalk. Trevor, from out of nowhere, comes up behind her.

TREVOR There she is, turning the world on with a smile.

CLAIRE Trevor, what are you doing here?

TREVOR I want to talk to you about something.

CLAIRE Don't you have a session today?

TREVOR I've been thinking.

CLAIRE I thought I heard something.

TREVOR A hundred couples, one at a time, it's taking way too long.

CLAIRE Trevor, that is great. Reality poking it's head out for the first time. Good for you.

Claire walks over to a paper boy and buys a paper. Trevor follows.

TREVOR You know what? I've got to think grander. Start a new religion.

CLAIRE Oh, reality just saw it's shadow. Six more weeks of dementia.

They continue walking down the sidewalk.

TREVOR Think about it. Sun Young Moon marries off a hundred couples. Right? Considers it an off day.

CLAIRE Well, you're forgetting that it took him a lifetime to establish himself as a-- a religious leader.

TREVOR But, I'm a God, I already have a head start.

They stop and Claire turns to him.

CLAIRE Okay, poverty...

TREVOR Yeah.

CLAIRE ....humility, celibacy.... as your psychologist I have to tell you it's not your strong suit.

Claire starts to walk off but Trevor calls after her.

TREVOR My religion's gonna be fun. Cupidians will cruise through the airport with a small cup that says "Keg Fund".

CLAIRE
(stops and turns around) "Cupidians"?

TREVOR Hey, I'll need a high priestess. A woman who embodies the unattainable, carnal archetype. A glimpse of heaven for the pilgrims. A nude for a stained glass.

CLAIRE Oh rats, here I've got this hoity-toity dinner party tonight, so-- hmm.

Claire turns and waves "goodbye" as she walks away.

TREVOR Yeah, well, who was asking? I only wanted to know if you could get me in touch with Courtney Love.

Trevor smiles and walks in the other direction.

FADE OUT

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE
FADE IN:

INT. CLAIRE'S TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT

Claire's friends are in her dining room, at the table drinking wine. Claire enters from her kitchen. They are in the midst of a conversation.

SARAH Did anyone see "Sunset and Vaughn" last night?

JANET No, sorry.

HUNTER I don't watch TV. (sips his wine)

CLAIRE
(taking her seat) He said self-importantly. (that gets a few chuckles)

HUNTER Oh, come on. What's the point? All the shows are the same.

JANET Not true, there are cops and there are doctors.

HUNTER Ah, but they're all loveable. Say a lead character jaywalks in the beginning of an episode. They'll spend the rest of the show trying to redeem him.

CLAIRE Well, ah, what about Thurston Howell? The castaways would have been off the island seven or eight times if he hadn't done something greedy or self-serving. They never redeemed him.

The view pans back to reveal the party. Claire, Jane, Hunter and Kevin's date are at the table. Kevin, with a glass of wine in hand, is standing at the doorway that connects the dining room with the living room. We also notice a sixth member of the dinner party, JENNINGS CRAWFORD. He is in the living room, and seems to be withdrawn from the rest of the group. Instead of joining the conversation, he awkwardly examines some of Claire's trinkets.

HUNTER But this brings us back to something even more nefarious about television.....

SARAH Sunset and Vaughn. It was a two-parter. No one saw the other.... (that gets a bunch of "no's" from the table)

HUNTER (cont'd) ....the negative way that television portrays the leisure classes.

Claire notices that Jennings is not participating in the discussion. He is looking at some of her things on a shelf.

HUNTER It's true. Jennings, you're with me on this one aren't you?

Jennings, surprised at being addressed, nearly drops the object he was looking at.

JENNINGS Uh... you get together like this every month? (walks into the dining room)

CLAIRE Yeah, yeah. We started doing this when we were merely grad students sharing leftovers, right? (smiles)

KEVIN Instead of the powerful academicians sharing leftovers that we are today.

HUNTER But hey, (offers a toast) it's the University of Chicago.

All at the table raise their glasses.

KEVIN U of C.

JENNINGS
(more to himself than to the group) That reminds me of a joke.

The group waits but Jennings does not continue.

JANET
(awkwardly) How does the joke go, Jennings?

JENNINGS Oh, uh, there's this little fellow who cleans up after the elephants in the circus, and someone asks him why he doesn't quit.

Again silence. You can tell Jennings isn't very good around people.

KEVIN And-- and-- and? (motions him to continue)

JENNINGS And he says, "What and leave show business?".

The group is confused by his joke.

CLAIRE What department are you in, Jennings?

JENNINGS Linguistics.

HUNTER Oh, uh, do your trick.

JANET Oh, that's right.

Various voices join in asking Jennings to do his trick.

CLAIRE You do tricks?

KEVIN Do Claire.

JANET He's done the rest of us.

CLAIRE Yeah, he has? Well, okay.

Jennings looks at all of them. They all have "please do it" on their faces. Jennings sighs and sits next to Claire. He pulls out a small note pad.

JENNINGS Tell me, in your own words, the story of Little Red Riding Hood.

INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Trevor is in the kitchen. Various fruits and items are on the counter. He's pouring honey and putting cut up fruit into a blender while also talking to someone on the phone which he's holding between his chin and shoulder.

TREVOR Look, lady, there's no Albert here.
(beat) Mm-hmm, that is the right number.
(beat)
No, look.... who am I? I'm the god of love, why, want me to hook you up?
(beat)
Mmm. Aren't you the tiger. I'll tell you what passion kettle.... look, for the last time we are fresh out of Alberts.

Champ comes down the stairs, overhears the phone conversation and tries to quickly grab the phone.

CHAMP Trevor, no! Give me the phone!

Trevor starts up the blender, but he didn't fasten the lid tight enough and the mixture inside explodes. Champ tries to stop it.

TREVOR But you know what? There is an Albert here, but he fell off the roof. We're just squatting in his apartment until the Ganja runs out.

CHAMP
(shuts off the blender and grabs the phone) Give me the phone!..... Mama?

TREVOR Oh, no. I thought your name was Champ.

CHAMP
(she's hung up) Damn it! (dials the phone) That's a stage name.

TREVOR You choose that name?

CHAMP Look, stage names, they say if you can't think of one you should pick the name of your first pet.

TREVOR Nothing wrong with 'Albert'.

CHAMP Well, obviously you didn't grow up black and overweight in America, then.

TREVOR You don't know that. (in a Fat Albert voice) Hey, hey, hey.

INT. CLAIRE'S TOWNHOUSE - SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Claire in her usual manner, has taken a simple story and made it very long and dry. Her friends are obviously bored. Jennings is jotting down notes.

CLAIRE ....which isn't an excuse for the wolf, but at least we understand his rage. Viewed as the archetype of sexual aggression.

KEVIN Make her stop...

JENNINGS I think I have everything I need.

CLAIRE For?

JENNINGS Your profile.

CLAIRE My what?

JENNINGS You were raised in California.

CLAIRE
(unimpressed) It's a big state.

JENNINGS San Jose.

JANET Jennings, you are amazing.

JENNINGS One of your parents is from the south. The deep south. You went to school in Los Angles; UCLA, probably, before coming to Chicago to do your graduate work at North Western.

HUNTER & KEVIN
(teasingly) Slacker! (that gets a chuckle from Janet)

CLAIRE You got all that from Little Red Riding Hood?

JENNINGS A semester at Oxford probably explains "Grandma's lovely cottage".

CLAIRE
(amazed) Oh, my God.

INT. CLAIRE'S TOWNHOUSE - LATER THAT SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

The dinner is over and everyone is out the door. Claire is saying her goodbyes as the exit. Jennings is the last to leave.

CLAIRE
(to Kevin already out the door) Bye. I'll see you later.
(gives Janet a hug)
See you soon.
(gives Hunter a pat on the shoulder) Bye, next time your house.

JENNINGS
(next in line to exit) Thank You.

CLAIRE um, do you have a minute?

JENNINGS Sure.

INT. CLAIRE'S TOWNHOUSE - LATER THAT SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Claire is cleaning up and talking to Jennings who is assisting her. They've been discussing Trevor.

JENNINGS He honestly believes he's Cupid?

CLAIRE Oh, he's convinced. He says he's banished to Earth until he gets a hundred couples together.

JENNINGS And you think I can help?

CLAIRE Well, we just can't figure out who he really is. If I could find out where he's from, what--what happened to him. I know I could help.

JENNINGS Are you sure he'd be willing to speak to me?

CLAIRE Oh, we're not going to tell him what you're doing. I know how I could get him to talk to you. Are you single? (he nods) I've got the Singles Group.

INT. CUPPA JAVA - NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

The Singles GROUP is all there including Trevor but Claire is late. Everyone's bored and growing impatient. When someone starts to leave Trevor gets up and guides the man back to his seat.

TREVOR I say we get started.

EXT. CHICAGO STREET NEAR STAIRS TO SUBWAY - SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Claire is standing near the stairs to a subway entrance. She seems to be waiting for someone, but she seems to be in a rush, she fidgeting and checking her watch. Jennings' head pops up. He sees her and goes to her.

JENNINGS Doctor, I am so sorry I'm late. I wasn't sure that I'd be...

CLAIRE Not a problem, you are doing me the favour, but we really, really have to hurry.

INT. CUPPA JAVA - SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Trevor is addressing the GROUP.

TREVOR It is high time the piercing light of truth cuts through the dim veil of psycho-babble we wade through each week. I want to see the hands of everyone who comes here not for the yackety-yak of the over-educated and under-sexed, but instead thought "fresh meat". All right? Tons and tons of fresh meat, you know. Scoring here will be easier than Patrick Swayze at a strip mall. Let me see your hands.

NICK (he is the only one to raise his hand) Yeah, baby.

TREVOR Oh, what a bunch of hypocrites. Each and everyone of you. Look at right here, perfect example. (goes over to a blond woman) Okay, look at the shoots of hot-ironed curled bangs that cascade tantalizingly down into the eyes. Eyes, by the way, painted with no less care than the Sistine Chapel. Total prep time--90 minutes. (goes to sit next to another gentleman) Oh-ho. You know who this is? Ahem, ladies.... (to man) Nice to see you my man. (back to the others) ....do you have any idea who this gentleman is? This right here is the guy who pops his head out of the manhole cover just in time to look up your culottes. He wants to know if fries go with that shake. You can hear him bellowing from the Sears Tower, "Nice Rack!". But he's in disguise, you know? He's hosed himself down, and this is the first time he's worn a jacket that doesn't have his name stitched on it. You want to know why? 'Cause the boy's horny. Smart money says that if you're here, so are you. (gets up and walks to the front) Let's call this what it really is. This... is a pickup joint.

EXT. CUPPA JAVA - NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Claire and Jennings have arrived at the building where Cuppa Java is in. Before they enter....

JENNINGS Dr. Allen?

CLAIRE Uh, Claire.

JENNINGS Claire, Claire.... what you're asking me to do...

CLAIRE Jennings, all you have to do is get up there and say you're looking for love, okay? He'll do the rest.

INT. CUPPA JAVA - NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Claire walks into the room and can't believe her eyes. A wild party is ensuing. "That's The Way I Like It" by K.C. And The Sunshine Band is playing on the radio. A group of people are playing spin the bottle. There's some people playing Twister using different coloured plates. People are dancing and drinking and in general having a good time. Trevor (who has his shirt off) is cracking the neck of a blonde woman, who, by the way, seems to be enjoying it.

TREVOR
(to people playing Twister) Right knee green.

Claire shuts off the radio. Everyone freezes, like they've just been caught partying by their parents.

TREVOR Oh, hey Claire, we started without ya.

CLAIRE Oh, hey guys, sorry I'm late. It's really time we get started.

MIKE accidentally sprays beer on her when he opens a can of beer.

CLAIRE
(wiping the foam off her face) That's nice.

MIKE Sorry.

CLAIRE Yeah. Really people, we have a lot of work to do, so uh finish your drinks.

The people playing Twister collapse onto each other.

INT. CUPPA JAVA - LATER SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Claire has taken control and now is in the midst of a discussion.

CLAIRE Well, generally speaking, Laurence, when a woman leaves something behind. An earring or a purse, it's not the nesting sign most men assume it to be. It could mean nothing more than she's forgetful.

LAURENCE
(with a serious look on his face) It was her Grandmother's china.

CLAIRE Oh.... you may have a problem. You know, we just have a few minutes but I do think that's enough to meet somebody new. Jennings.

JENNINGS
(stands up) Hello. My name is Jennings Crawford. I teach at the University of Chicago. I love my work and I have a nice town house. I'm 35... and I'm a virgin.

Claire does a double take.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
FADE IN:

INT. CUPPA JAVA - SAME NIGHT

Jennings has just revealed he's a virgin. The GROUP is silent. He continues....

JENNINGS This isn't something I'm comfortable admitting in front of a room full of people but suddenly I've realized that I could use the help, the support. My colleagues have given up on me. I think they reached a consensus that I'm gay and closeted.

NICK You're not?

JENNINGS Uh, no.

FEMALE GROUP MEMBER So, uh, maybe you have scars. (as delicately as she can) Like somewhere we can't see.

JENNINGS No.

CLAIRE There are other kinds of scars.

JENNINGS You've all heard stories, I'm sure, about people achieving greatness and attributing it to abstinence. They re-channelled all their sexual energy into their work. But lately....

NICK You must teach one hell of a class.

CLAIRE Nick.

NICK
(laughs) No I mean it, man. It's gotta be like beakers exploding. Field trips....

CLAIRE Okay, you know what? That's -- that's -- thank you.

NICK I'm just saying...

TREVOR Nick! Let's hear him out.

JENNINGS Lately, my interest in my work has begun to fade, and as it's faded all the sexual energy I've repressed has started to come to the surface. For the first time in my life, I'm wishing there was someone there for me. For the first time.... I feel alone.

CLAIRE How long have you been feeling this way?

JENNINGS Three years.

NICK Ouch.

JENNINGS There's a formal faculty party at the end of the month. Last year I swore to myself that I wouldn't go to another one without a date. That was my resolution, but here I am another year older and no closer to finding anyone. I guess what I'm saying is; can anyone help?

There's silence as the group turns to Claire to await her response but she has none.

INT. CUPPA JAVA - LATER THAT SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

The session is over. Everyone is making their way out.

CLAIRE Thank you. I'll see you guys next week.

The GROUP says their goodbyes as they exit. When all are gone.

CLAIRE Jennings, uh, so--so all that, uh, everything you said was....

JENNINGS Strange but true.

CLAIRE Wow, uh... god, I'm sorry.

JENNINGS Oh.

CLAIRE But, we'll, you know, we'll work it out. Find someone that's right for you. We'll have to deal with your intimacy issues.

JENNINGS And the party, the faculty party.

CLAIRE Oh, boom, that-- that's a snap. Oh, you know, you're educated and attractive, and I'm gonna keep Trevor away from you. (they laugh)

JENNINGS Thanks, Claire, but I really don't mind helping you with your patient.

CLAIRE He's going to be waiting for you.

JENNINGS He's that determined?

CLAIRE Yes. Trust me. (as Jennings leaves) Good luck. (she clears her throat and sighs)

EXT. CHICAGO STREET IN FRONT OF BUILDING CUPPA JAVA IS IN - SAME NIGHT ( JUMP CUT)

Trevor is leaning against the wall. He is tossing the coloured paper plates in to the air. They sort of boomerang into the waste can across from him. Jennings comes outside just as one flies above his head and lands into the waste can. He looks confused and looks up to try and find the source. Then Trevor calls to him.

TREVOR Hey, buddy, say you wanna grab a beer?

JENNINGS Yeah.

TREVOR Come on.

Trevor puts his arm around Jennings' neck and they start walking. Trevor throws the rest of the plates in the waste can as they pass it.

INT. TAGGERTY'S - NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

It's pretty crowded. The place is buzzing with music and the sound of people having a good time. Trevor and Jennings are sitting at the bar having beers.

TREVOR You see anyone here you want to take a run at?

JENNINGS A run?

TREVOR Anyone here look appetizing to you?

A BLONDE woman walks by and smiles at them. Jennings watches her walk by.

JENNINGS How about her?

BLONDE Hi.

TREVOR Super fantastic good taste. For the rest of the evening, I want you to think of her as your prey.

JENNINGS So I guess that makes me the Big Bad Wolf.

TREVOR That is correct, you are the Big Bad Wolf. Listen Wolfy, if we play our cards right by the end of the evening, I want her telling you what big assorted body parts you have, you know?

JENNINGS
(embarrassed) Oh, no.

TREVOR "Oh, professor, what a very big cranium you have."
(Jennings laughs)
"Professor I enjoy the way..."

JENNINGS So at what point do I huff and puff and blow her house down?

TREVOR That's excellent imagery. Wrong fairy tale. (sips his beer)

JENNINGS Oh, that's right. I always get them confused. How does Little Red Riding Hood go?

As Trevor begins to tell his version of the story, the camera follows LINDA who is walking toward the front door where Champ is checking people's I.D.'s.

LINDA There's a lush in that back booth that's going to need a lift from our checkered friends.

CHAMP I'll take care of him.

LINDA
(pointing over to Trevor) He does have a way with the customers.

CHAMP Oh that boy is crazy.

LINDA He is a handful.

CHAMP No, you're not hearing me, he's certifiable. Last place he lived had padded walls. I swear if I don't show up for work one of these days, you check my refrigerator for body parts.

LINDA He's harmless, you know that.

CHAMP I'm talking about HIS body parts. I swear I'm gonna snap and pull an Injun Joe.

LINDA Injun Joe?

CHAMP "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". You know the...the...
(mimics strangling move)
...with the pillow.

LINDA Injun Joe was "Tom Sawyer". The Native American stereotype you're searching for was known simply as "Chief".

LINDA leaves but Champ calls after her.

CHAMP Him then.

LINDA smiles back at him. Camera pans over to Trevor who is finishing his version of Little Red Riding Hood.

TREVOR And then the story's one nod to noir, you've got the woodsman who takes his axe...

JENNINGS Slices open the wolf...

TREVOR ...finds grandma still kicking.

JENNINGS The moral?

TREVOR Obvious. If you're trying to get Little Red Riding Hood into the sack make sure there's no axe wielding maniac nearby.

JENNINGS So, what you're saying in regards to....

The BLONDE woman from before walks by again and flashes them a smile.

TREVOR No such thing as a shy wolf.

JENNINGS (something in Latin)....
Subtitle: "He who hesitates..."

TREVOR ...(something in Latin).
Subtitle: "...sleeps in an empty bed."

Jennings looks at Trevor, amazed that he speaks Latin, too. Trevor just grins then sips his beer.

EXT. CHICAGO STREET, OUTDOOR SECTION OF CAFE SPARTICUS - DAY (JUMP CUT)

In the background are busts of Roman gods. Trevor is sitting at a table with a paper open to the personals. He's circling ads with a red marker. From behind him Claire walks up.

TREVOR How did you find me?

CLAIRE Lucky guess. Uh, about taking over the meeting when I was, uh, late...

TREVOR Don't worry about it, least I could do.

CLAIRE Don't do it again.

TREVOR Souvlaki?

CLAIRE
(she sits down next to him) No. Another thing. Jennings Crawford is a friend of mine.

TREVOR You must have a point.

CLAIRE Yes, look, the man is in his mid-thirties, he's lonely, he's lacking some basic social skills, he's....

TREVOR A virgin.

CLAIRE There's that, yes.

TREVOR You're boy needs some serious help.

CLAIRE And that's exactly what I'm going to be giving him, so I....

TREVOR So?

CLAIRE So, I think you should just stick to circling your personals there and let me help him.

TREVOR Matchmaking, huh? I'll have to see your union card.

CLAIRE This is a special case. I've got a lot of friends. I think I could, you know...

TREVOR Frigid, elitist, sycophants...

CLAIRE Women who I think would be right for him, Trevor.

TREVOR "Right for him", what does that mean "right"?

CLAIRE Right, right. Common backgrounds, common interests, common goals.

TREVOR I want to be set up by a woman who uses "common" three times to describe my dream date.

CLAIRE As opposed to uncommon, I don't know.

TREVOR Tell you what. While you're out there cross-referencing and charting I will be...

CLAIRE Brewing love potions maybe?

TREVOR Ha, ha, love potion.... I will be giving him the skills that he needs to survive.

CLAIRE Okay, which skills would these be?

TREVOR How to work it, all right? How to speed up the process.

CLAIRE I think Mercury's already on that.

TREVOR Ha, ha, ha. You take the low road, I'll take the high road and we'll see who gets to Scotland first.

CLAIRE Trevor, I'm not going to take part in some kind of twisted contest with you.

TREVOR All right, then, you know what? You'll lose.

He gets up and leaves. Just as he walks away, a waiter puts the bill on the table in front of Claire.

INT. JENNINGS' OFFICE - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Jennings is his at his desk, writing something on a piece of paper. He finishes and puts the paper into a manila folder. He then writes 'Cupid' on the folder and puts it on a shelf. He grabs his coat and briefcase and heads to the door. He opens his office door to find Trevor standing in the doorway.

TREVOR There's the good doctor. You got a minute?

JENNINGS Actually, I have a class to teach.

TREVOR Hey, that's cool, I'll sit in. Come on.

EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Trevor and Jennings are walking through the college campus.

TREVOR It's mostly attitude, you know? It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

JENNINGS I tell my students the same thing. (he pulls out a tape recorder) Do you mind if I record this? I may want to get it all down later.

TREVOR No problem. Okay, right there at 10 o'clock. You see that?

He's pointing to a pretty college CO-ED is walking by herself.

TREVOR She's a luscious little snack pack. Right?

JENNINGS She's awfully... I don't know... young.

TREVOR I think the word you're looking for there is impressionable.

JENNINGS No, she's, um, she's a student.

Trevor walks over to the CO-ED.

TREVOR Excuse me. Do you have a sec? My friend and I have a bet as to what flavour lip-gloss you're wearing. I say it's strawberry, he's demanding that it's cherry.

CO-ED Okay, what's my line?..... Why don't you taste it for yourself.

TREVOR Good work. That is the line.

CO-ED You're not really expecting me to go through with this, are you?

TREVOR Well, you can do whatever you want but if the spirit moves you, you know, you definitely have free will. (he leads her over to Jennings) Uh, I want you to meet my friend, this is Professor 'Wolf'.

JENNINGS Crawford actually.

CO-ED Uh-huh? Professor of....?

TREVOR / Jennings (simultaneous) Anatomy / Linguistics

They look at each other. Then back at her.

TREVOR / Jennings (simultaneous) Linguistics / Anatomy

JENNINGS
(embarrassed) I've got to get to class.

The CO-ED shrugs and leaves. Trevor is standing by himself while he wonders what went wrong.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Jennings is in the middle of a lecture. Trevor is sitting in the back. So is a woman (Kate O'Donnel). She's talking notes but is obviously not part of the class.

JENNINGS So, who can give me a theory of the evolution of language.

STEVEN Ye!

JENNINGS Oh, as in "Ye of little faith".

STEVEN No, as in "Ye old town tavern". (class laughs)

JENNINGS It's always about beer with you, isn't it Steven? But the "ye" you're talking about, that's an evolution of an alphabet more than an evolution of language. In that time the letter "Y" represented the "th" sound. The pronunciation hasn't actually changed. (student raises her hand) Yes?

MS. WHITE Didn't the absence of a class system in the American colonies result in a more homogenized dialect?

Trevor is impressed by Jennings' ease of speech with his students. He then notices Kate taking notes and listening attentively to Jennings.

JENNINGS Reading ahead Ms. White? I am impressed, but it's a flawed theory.

MS. WHITE How so?

JENNINGS Well, we most certainly do have a class system here, and it's most obvious in our accents and dialects. Now, tell me, Ms. White, would you rather have your son marrying a woman who excuses herself so that she can freshen up or one who does the same to take a squat? (class and Trevor laugh) All right now, let's turn to page forty-two in your text.

Kate gathers her things and leaves. Trevor notices Jennings watching her leave. Then Trevor has a look on face like he has an idea.

INT. FACULTY DINING ROOM - SAME DAY (JUMP CUT)

Kate is the cook behind the counter. Dean WETLAND has his food on his tray but he his arguing with Kate about something. Trevor and Jennings are in line behind the dean.

WETLAND I don't care if it's been seasoned with powdered white rhino; I want ketchup.

Kate hands him a bottle of ketchup and looks annoyed. She has a thick Chicago accent. Think Dennis Franz from "NYPD Blue".

KATE Right, enjoy your trout in the Heinz sauce.

Trevor and Jennings are getting their food. Actually Trevor is piling on the food onto his try.

TREVOR You know what? As cool and relaxed as you are in a classroom, that's how you got to be with a woman.

JENNINGS Easier said then done, in class I know all the lines.
(notices the amount of food Trevor is getting)
Do you eat like that all the time?

TREVOR Yeah, I got a good metabolism.

JENNINGS If I ate like that, I would blow up....

KATE You gonna try one of my desserts professor?

JENNINGS
(freezes up) I, uh....

TREVOR
(bails him out) What do you recommend?

KATE No one complains about my "death by chocolate".

TREVOR (laughs) Guess they wouldn't.

Jennings takes the plate of dessert but he's so nervous that his hands shake visibly. Trevor takes it for him.

TREVOR I got that for you.

JENNINGS Thank you.

Trevor looks over to Jennings then to Kate who smiles at him. Trevor's face has that expression that is beyond happy. He and Jennings sit at a table.

TREVOR
(pointing to Kate) What's her story?

JENNINGS She's not a student but she audits my classes, I have no idea why.

TREVOR It's obvious buddy.

Over at another table, Dean WETLAND grabs the salt shaker but someone has loosened the lid and he spills salt all over his food.

WETLAND Damn it to hell!

Trevor and Jennings turn to see what's happened, they both laugh. Then they turn back to their meals.

JENNINGS
(back to the subject) No, she's never acted...

TREVOR Listen, I'll tell you what. Are you willing to do a little tutoring?

JENNINGS Tutoring?

TREVOR Ya, tutor her, you know? You're a teacher you know all the lines.

JENNINGS I guess. (he looks over to Kate)

INT. FACULTY DINING ROOM - SAME DAY (JUMP CUT)

Trevor is talking to Kate.

KATE He wants to tutor me? Why?

TREVOR Totally selfish reasons. He's a bachelor, you know. Every night, fish sticks, Chimichangas, frozen fruit pies.

KATE He wants me to cook for him?

TREVOR Yeah, he says his best meals are from here.

KATE A meal a night and he tutors me, huh?

TREVOR Uh-huh. It's a hell of a bargain.

KATE Yeah, probably worth it.

TREVOR Totally worth it.

KATE Even if it does mean spending another hour with one of those boring elitist windbags.

Kate leaves and Trevor has a confused and worried expression on his face.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE
FADE IN:

INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - DAY

Trevor is just entering. Champ is sitting in the barber's chair with a very pissed off expression on his face. He spins around to face Trevor.

TREVOR Hey.
(he throws his keys on the counter, notices Champ's expression)
What?

CHAMP You mind deciphering this for me?

Champ holds up a note with Trevor's handwriting that says "Sunset and Vaughn / audition / Chicago City Studio / II o'clock".

TREVOR That is a note about your audition for "Sunset and Vaughn", two o'clock. How'd it go?

CHAMP Well, I had a little problem, see?

TREVOR You did? What happened?

CHAMP I got the time wrong.

TREVOR Why's that?

CHAMP To us mortals, (points to the note) this looks like an eleven.

TREVOR Yeah?

CHAMP
(standing up) I hope you don't take this the wrong way, cause I got nothing but love for the mentally ill. I wouldn't care if you thought you were the Ayatollah Khomeni if you picked up after yourself, paid your rent on time, and got me my messages! But, no, that's not the case. And this was strike three, so as soon as you can find you another place... you're out.

Champ goes up the stairs.

TREVOR The Ayatollah would suck as a roommate, just so you know.

INT. CLAIRE'S TOWNHOUSE - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Claire is talking with Hunter and Janet about Jennings over coffee.

CLAIRE Okay, so let me get this straight, he likes big band music, kites...

JANET He builds his own.

CLAIRE ...and ping pong.

JANET He played for the Harvard Club team.

HUNTER So you can see why he's such a chick magnet.

CLAIRE So, what do you think I should look for in a woman for him?

HUNTER Respiration.

JANET Are you sure he likes women?

INT. JENNINGS' OFFICE - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Kate is walking in. She knocks on the door just before she enters. She is still dressed in her work uniform.

JENNINGS Yes? (he looks up and when he sees her, he stands up)

KATE Angel hair pasta in a walnut chili ahia pesto.

JENNINGS For me?

KATE That was the deal.

JENNINGS Huh....uh, yes. Thank you. So, Kate...

KATE You know my name?
(looks at her name tag which is part of her work uniform)
Uh, what am I saying? (sarcastically) Of course you don't know my name. (to herself) Wake up Kate.

JENNINGS What can I help you with?

KATE I want to talk right.

JENNINGS There's no such thing as a right way to talk.

KATE Oh, please, let's not kick this off with a lie. I wanna sound smart, educated.

JENNINGS Why?

KATE Because the only places that will hire a chef that sound like this are on the interstate and they're open twenty-four hours.

JENNINGS All right.

KATE Okay.

INT. CUPPA JAVA - NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

It is before the meeting. People are moving the tables aside. Claire is talking on her cell phone.

CLAIRE (to phone) ...well, he's handsome, he's smart, he's got a great job.
(beat)
Jennings, Dr. Jennings Crawford.

Trevor walks into the room. He walks up from behind Claire.

CLAIRE (to phone) Ah well, there's this one thing you should probably know, he's....

CLAIRE / Trevor (simultaneous) ...shy. / He's a virgin.

CLAIRE
(Claire gives him a look and then goes back to her phone) Carol, I'm sorry about.... hello?
(turns off her cell)
That's great. Great, great, great.
(to Trevor)
You'd rather that poor man be lonely than I find him someone who could make him happy?

TREVOR I believe in truth in advertising.

CLAIRE No, you don't.

TREVOR You're right, I don't. Let me tell you why.....

CLAIRE I am not interested. (she walks away)

TREVOR But you're well proportioned and that counts for something.

CLAIRE
(comes back over to Trevor) "Interested", not "interesting".

TREVOR And you smell good.

Trevor walks over to the coffee bar to get a drink, while Claire sighs and then walks over to him.

CLAIRE So, how are you doing? Any romantic prospects out on the lunatic fringe?

TREVOR Are you allowed to talk to me that way?

CLAIRE Yes.

TREVOR No.

CLAIRE "No", I'm not or "no" no romantic prospects?

TREVOR Yes.

CLAIRE What?.... I am not playing this game. (walks away)

TREVOR (laughs) Not very well at least.

CLAIRE Fine you know what? You're the semantics Grand Champion. You win.

TREVOR Thank you. (does a little victory dance)

CLAIRE Trevor, come here. Come here. (taps twice) now.

TREVOR What? (goes over to her)

CLAIRE
(going through her purse) You know what? I think I have some ribbons in here for you. Would you like blue, red....

TREVOR There's no need to be patronizing.

CLAIRE Fine, then would you settle for a happy face sticker?

TREVOR Okay, you know what? The answer is "no". I thought I hooked the good doctor up with someone, but I was way off base. So.... can I have my happy face?

INT. JENNINGS' OFFICE - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Jennings is at his desk. Kate is sitting across from him. They are in the middle of a tutoring session.

JENNINGS "R" is a letter, not a pit stop. Let's try it again - "Take the car to the bar.".

KATE Take da car ta da bar.

JENNINGS "To", "to", "to". Same as after the number one.

KATE I said "to".

JENNINGS You said "ta", "ta da bar".

KATE Screw you, I said "to".

Jennings rewinds his tape recorder then plays it for her.

KATE (on the tape recorder) Take da car, ta da bar.

JENNINGS
(gesturing to the tape recorder) "The", not "da". Let's try it again - "Take the car to the bar.".

A moment of silence, then Kate becomes frustrated.

KATE You know what? This was a stupid idea! You have no clue how hard it is, it's like trying to learn a foreign language! And what's with the tape recorder, huh? You gonna play it for your esteemed colleagues? Get a good laugh out of it? Point me out in the dining hall and say "There she is, the one in da hairnet".

Kate picks up her bag and leaves the office. Jennings calls after her in his "original" accent. A thick South Boston accent. (think Cliff from "Cheers")

JENNINGS I gawt a pretty good idear of what it's like.

KATE
(she comes back and stands in the doorway) Where'd that come from?

JENNINGS
(in his accent) South Boston. Home Sweet Home.

KATE You just changed da way you speak.

JENNINGS
(in his accent) I grew up smaat in a paat of town where smaat got your butt kicked on a near daily basis. (he walks over to Kate) I didn't exactly fit in, got all of thety-five miles away fo' college... Havaad. My fest day there, my new roommate asked me if I could fix a leaky sink, he assumed I was a custodian.

KATE So, what'd you do?

JENNINGS
(in his accent) I fixed the sink, but my point is... I didn't fit in any betta there. But I decided I'd learn how to fit in. I broke down the speech pattens of the rich kids around me. (correcting his accent) Hardened my vowels, clipped my consonants. It fascinated me how easy it was to change, change the way I spoke, change people's perception of me. So Kate, if you really want to do this, I'm here to tell you it can be done.

Kate drops her bag and decides to try again.

BEGIN MONTAGE

To "Teach Me Tonight" by Ann-Margret.

INT. JENNINGS' OFFICE - DAY

Jennings at his desk, Kate across from him. They're doing pronunciation exercises. He has her hands on her cheeks and demonstrating proper mouthing.

INT. JENNINGS' OFFICE - DAY

More exercises. A candle is between them to demonstrate proper breath. Jennings guides Kate's hand onto his throat and demonstrates proper speech, the candle light doesn't flicker. He then guides Kate's hand onto her own throat and has her try the exercise.

INT. Jennings OFFICE - DAY

Kate is reading from a book out loud while Jennings listens.

EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY

Rainy day. Jennings and Kate are walking on campus sharing an umbrella and laughing.

END MONTAGE

EXT. CHICAGO STREET - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Trevor is talking to a PROSTITUTE while walking next to her.

TREVOR Five hundred?

PROSTITUTE Five hundred.

TREVOR Drachmas? U.S.?

PROSTITUTE U.S. dollars only.

TREVOR There's gotta be like some kind of virgin discount.

PROSTITUTE
(stops and looks him over) Buddy, I'm not buying that for a second.

TREVOR (laughs) Oh, no, not me, not me. I got a buddy, needs a kick start. You know what I'm saying?

PROSTITUTE
(doesn't believe him) Right. (continues walking on)

TREVOR Me? (puts his hands on his hips) I got so many notches on my belt I can barely keep my pants up.

PROSTITUTE (O.S.) What belt?

Trevor laughs off the encounter. When he looks up he's standing in front of Chicago City Studio. He thinks for a moment, then a smile appears on his face.

INT. BOOK SHOP - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Claire is on her cell phone. While browsing at some books.

CLAIRE .....a Saint Judes fund-raiser that night? Well, that's too bad. I mean good for them, you know? (laughs) No, no, I understand, but I'm telling you it's your loss. He's a great guy. Okay, yeah, I'll see you later. Bye-bye. (hangs up the phone)

From over at the book shelves Claire overhears a woman, MONIQUE, talking.

MONIQUE (O.S.) Hi, the guy at the music counter sent me down here. He said you were the expert.

Monique is at the counter talking to a clerk.

MONIQUE I found the 1939 radio broadcast of Glenn Miller but I was wondering if you have any of the earlier recording?

CLAIRE
(walks over to the counter) Uh, excuse me. I'm Claire (she shakes hands with Monique). Did you mention Glenn Miller?

MONIQUE Uh, yes. Are you a fan?

INT. CUPPA JAVA - NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

People are just arriving for the singles' discussion. Jennings enters.

NICK Hey there professor. (offers him some candy) Cherry?

JENNINGS Thanks, my favourite.

Just as he's about to grab it, Claire walks by and takes the candy and eats it.

CLAIRE Thanks Nick. (NICK walks off) Jennings, I just wanted to let you know that you have nothing to worry about.

JENNINGS
(confused) I'm..... relieved?

CLAIRE The party? The faculty party? Yeah-- yeah, I've got a lead on the perfect girl for you. Uh, still doing a little background checking, but so far so good. I'll be there by the way.

JENNINGS Oh, really?

CLAIRE Yeah, yeah, I'm Kevin's in-case-of-emergency-break-glass-date. Hey, um, I was wondering. Any-- any breakthroughs on the Trevor front?

JENNINGS Uh, that's an interesting case. He doesn't.....

Trevor enters. As he walks pass them he says to Jennings....

TREVOR Hunt, tonight. (walks pass them)

JENNINGS
(to Trevor) Yeah, okay.

CLAIRE Hunt? What kind of hunt?

JENNINGS You don't want to know. (he walks on)

CLAIRE Uh, actually-- actually I would like to know.

INT. NIGHT CLUB - SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

It's crowded. There's a band on stage playing some rocking music. Sounds and sights of people drinking, dancing and pretty much having a good time. Trevor and Jennings enter.

TREVOR
(bumps into somebody) Oh, I'm sorry. (to Jennings) This--this is the joint you want to come to?

JENNINGS Yeah, a friend of mine says this place really hops.

TREVOR Yeah, well, you know, there are some places in Beirut that hop. I just wouldn't imagine you.....

Kate spots them and walks over.

KATE Jennings? What are you doing here? Come on, sit with us.

She leads them to a table where two of her friends are sitting. They're enjoying a pitcher of beer. Trevor gives Jennings an "I'm impressed" look.

TREVOR
(to Jennings) Look at you, Dr. Love. Let me catch up with you. Come on.

Trevor and Jennings walk up to the table.

KATE
(making introductions) Maeve, and Donna, This is Jennings and uh, I don't know...

TREVOR Trevor.

JENNINGS
(shakes hands) Maeve, hello. Donna.

KATE How do you guys know each other?

Jennings is about to respond but Trevor beats him to it.

TREVOR We got thrown out of the Pet Shop Boys. Too rough hewn. But it forced us to bond.
(the girls laugh)
So, Maeve, Donna, listen. I love the music of your people, I like to party, and I like to get down.

MAEVE Which one of us?

TREVOR Both of you. Come on, I'm Lucky Pierre, come on, everybody wins. (the girls get up) Come on, you little freak.

KATE Have fun girls.

TREVOR
(to Kate) I'll have them home early, mom.

KATE Watch out.

In a line the trio makes there way to the dance floor. Jennings takes a seat next to Kate. He looks very uncomfortable and is sitting very rigidly.

KATE Maeve and Donna are the best, you know. Our ten-year reunion was last summer, but we decided it would be too depressing to show up unmarried, childless, and barely employed. Not that we would care, you know, but tongues would wag. Anyway, so, we did one of those Club Med things. A week in the Bahamas. I think I'm still hungover.

JENNINGS So, that's why you missed all those classes last semester. I assumed you had something against the diphthong. Heh heh.

KATE Uh, you know how I sit in on your classes?

JENNINGS I know that you work lunches at the faculty dining room every day except Friday.

KATE Yeah, I, uh, I assist at a culinary class on Friday.

JENNINGS I know that it's you who loosens the salt shaker on Dean Wetland table. (she laughs) I know that you always wear black a day after a Bears loss.

KATE
(impressed) How do you know....

JENNINGS Kate O'Donnel, I knew your name long before the day you showed up in my office.

Kate is smiling. Jennings smiles to. Out on the dance floor Trevor and the girls are having a good time. Jennings waves to him.

EXT. CHICAGO STREET, OUTSIDE THE NIGHT CLUB - LATER THAT SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Jennings is trying to get a taxi. Trevor walks up from behind him.

TREVOR Love Doctor, how'd it go? Did you ask Kate to the faculty shindig?

JENNINGS Did you say "shindig"?

TREVOR Shindig, blow-out, brouhaha, whatever. Did you ask her?

JENNINGS The shindig didn't come up.

TREVOR Really? Didn't come up? So I guess at no point during you lengthy and intimate conversation did she say to you "Jennings, guess what, I'm clairvoyant, so I know all about this party that you're desperate to get a date for, and it's obvious that you and I like each other, so maybe you should just ask me." Did it ever come up, something like that?

JENNINGS I think I could have taken the ball from there.

TREVOR Monday is your deadline.

JENNINGS For what?

TREVOR You ask her or I will.
(pause)
Yes. (walks away)

INT. JENNINGS' OFFICE - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Jennings is sitting on his desk listening to Kate talking, who is sitting on the couch.

JENNINGS An interview at La Poubelle? That's fantastic. It's one of my favourite restaurants in Chicago.

KATE
(speaking in a very proper accent) I was saying that very thing at the club the other day.

JENNINGS Well, you should do something to celebrate it.

KATE
(new accent) I thought I'd bathe my Weimaraners, hop in the Range Rover, buzz up to Barney's. Then down to Champaign. There's this liddle....

JENNINGS
(corrects her) Little.

KATE
(corrects herself) Little bakery I know.

JENNINGS I heard it's an off-year for wheat.

KATE
(new accent) Yes, but, the grain in Champaign grows mainly on the plain.

JENNINGS By Jove, I think she's got it.
(beat, he starts to get nervous) Kate...

KATE
(new accent) Yes.

JENNINGS
(nervous) You know about the formal faculty party?

KATE
(usual accent) Know it? I got to work it. You have ta go ta that dull-fest, don't ya? At least I'm paid ta show up. What about it?

JENNINGS
(very nervous) I-- I-- I-- I was wondering, I thought, maybe-- I-- I was wondering
(there's a knock at the office door)
Uh, come in.

Claire enters.

CLAIRE Hi, uh, is this a good time?

JENNINGS I'm tutoring.

CLAIRE Oh.

JENNINGS But we were just about finished.

As Claire is talking, Kate gathers her things and prepares to leave. Jennings is watching Kate.

CLAIRE Oh, I'm sorry I didn't call first. I was right over at the library. Anyway, it doesn't even matter. The point is everything is taken care of.

JENNINGS
(looks at Claire) Taken care of?

CLAIRE For the party. Her name is Monique Matheson. She's perfect. Stanford product. She's, uh, out here playing the philharmonics. She can't wait to meet you.

As Claire is telling Jennings about his date, Kate looks briefly at Jennings right before she leaves and Jennings looks back. Claire notices and turns to look at Kate, but she's already gone so she turns back to Jennings.

JENNINGS
(less than enthusiastic) Wow, Claire that's... great.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR
FADE IN:

INT. TAGGERTY'S - DAY

Trevor is sitting at a booth with a newspaper lying in front of him, he's circling personal ads. Claire enters and goes over to the booth. She knocks on the table.

TREVOR Come in.

CLAIRE
(sits down) We were never having a contest.

TREVOR Would have been crass.

CLAIRE Exactly.

TREVOR Unprofessional.

CLAIRE Without a doubt.

TREVOR And you would have lost.

CLAIRE Would have lost?

TREVOR Mm-hmm.

CLAIRE No-- no, I just won, pal.

In triumph Claire spins the ashtray that is on the table. Trevor stops the ashtray.

TREVOR Won what? The contest we weren't having?

CLAIRE Jennings is going to the faculty party with a wonderful woman.

TREVOR Yes, he is.

CLAIRE A woman I set him up with.

TREVOR
(surprised) You-- you set him up with?

CLAIRE Mm-hmm.

TREVOR Excuse me. (gets up and leaves)

EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY (JUMP CUT)

It's raining. Kate is just entering a building, she closes her umbrella and shakes the water off it. Trevor, running, calls to her.

TREVOR Hey Kate.

She sighs and tries to get away from him. She opens one of the doors to the building, but Trevor goes into the doorway next to her and gets in front of her.

TREVOR Hey hold on a sec.

KATE Hey!

TREVOR Why did you deep six my boy?

KATE What?

TREVOR Why did you tell him "no"?

KATE What are you talking about?

TREVOR The way you were cooing all over....

KATE Hey! (holds up her umbrella threateningly) I will open your skull, believe it.

TREVOR All right, the cooing was mutual. The faculty formal thing, did he ask you?

KATE No.

TREVOR He didn't.

KATE No! I have to work that party. I wouldn't worry about your friend. I heard he's going. And I heard it's with someone perfect. (tries to pass him)

TREVOR
(stops her) No, no, he's going with you. Hold on a second. (she turns to face him) If he would have asked you would you have said "yes"?

KATE Uh....

TREVOR No time for pride, would you have said "yes"? (she nods) Okay, Saturday night, we're gonna make this thing happen. I gonna figure out a way, okay? Trust me.

INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Champ enters. There are boxes near the door. It has Trevor's stuff in it, his love beads laid on top. The apartment is tidy. Trevor is sitting on a chair in his room. He's on the phone.

TREVOR (to phone) ...."Embittered Lady", "Caustic Paul" here. E-16, bottom of the page. I too think that pi�a collatas are for overweight, 75 SPF-caked tourists, although I do think it also applies to teenage girls whose parents are out of town for the weekend.

Champ puts his keys down. An envelope with "RENT" on it is on the counter. Champ picks it up and opens it. It's has cash in it. As he walks through the kitchen he is amazed at how orderly it is. He walks towards Trevor.

TREVOR (cont'd to phone) Good God almighty, I'm a fan of small packages. And uh, I do not fear hugs or fireplaces. Uh, I really would like a long walk on the beach...

CHAMP Hey, huggable fire boy.

TREVOR
(motions him to wait a second while he finishes the phone conversation) ...so give my voice mail a call when you get a minute, let's discuss, thanks.
(he clicks off the phone and turns to Champ)
Welcome home.

CHAMP I appreciate the, uh, effort, but it's too late for that now.

TREVOR Understood. Uh, listen, they're having last minute call-backs for that "Sunset and Vaughn" part.

CHAMP That's all well and good but what a call-back means is that they've seen and liked you once already.

TREVOR I don't know about all that. They just said they wanted to see you there.

CHAMP When did they say that?

TREVOR When I went down and explained. They were very understanding.

CHAMP They were?

TREVOR Yes. (he gets up from his chair) Show people, good people, people needing people. Your audition is Saturday night. Good luck. (heads to the kitchen)

CHAMP That's too bad, I gotta work.

TREVOR That's all right, I'll cov...
(realizes that's the same night as the faculty dinner)
...er. Saturday night? Saturday. Saturday night.

INT. DINING HALL - NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

A violinist, a cellist and a pianist are playing music. The hall is full of people, dressed in evening wear. There are waiters and waitresses carrying around trays of hor'dovers and champaign. Groups of people are spread throughout the hall. One such group is made up of Claire, Kevin, Hunter, Janet, Monique and Jennings. They're in mid-discussion.

MONIQUE .....So, we're thinking the game is over, there's no time left on the clock. Here I am this little freshman clarinet player, wandering out onto the field with the rest of the band. And the next thing I know one of the Stanford players comes crashing into me.

They laugh. Jennings looks like he's not really enjoying the conversation. Across the hall Kate is looking over at them. She is working as a waitress and is holding a tray of hor'dovers.

MONIQUE As I'm falling backwards I see a Cal player running in for a touchdown.

KEVIN I don't believe it, that was you? I've seen that play a hundred times on 'Sports Saturday'.

MONIQUE "Play of the Century". Basically I threw the key block for the opposing team.

Jennings looks over to where Kate is. Claire sees he's not into the conversation and follows his stare at Kate.

JANET (O.S.) Not to mention your linebacker had to have your clarinet surgically removed.

All laugh but Jennings and Claire. Both their attention was on Kate. When Jennings realizes the others were laughing, he laughs too, although it's a bit delayed. I guess Kate didn't like what she saw because she walks off, and just as Dean Wetland was about to grab an hor'dover. Claire, after looking at Kate then looks at Jennings. Does she suspect that there's something between them? Who knows. Anyway she returns her focus to the conversation.

INT. TAGGERTY'S - SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Trevor is working the door, checking I.D.'s. He's giving a man a bit of trouble. The man looks like he's in his thirties, but Trevor's not buying it.

MAN My hair used to be longer back....

TREVOR
(hands back his I.D.) I'm not buying it, man.

MAN Look, I'm thirty-six.

LINDA
(comes and intervenes) Trevor, he can come in.

TREVOR All right but when Elliot Ness shows up with a battering ram, don't come crying to me.

LINDA When is Champ getting here?

TREVOR
(he takes her arm and check her watch) Twenty minutes ago.
(he turns to a young girl as Linda walks away. He checks her I.D.)
What's your sign? (imitates buzzer) Please enjoy the bumper cars across the street. This is a no pouting zone. Skedaddle, scoot, scootie, scootie. Watch out for tummy ache.

INT. DINING HALL - SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Monique is still talking.

MONIQUE Before that play I had only the vaguest idea of what football meant to American culture. I mean, suddenly there were requests for interviews, marriage proposals from Cal fans.

Jennings looks over at Kate, who is standing at the kitchen entrance. She checks her watch. She's waiting for Trevor, but he's late. KEVIN
(hungry) Are we lepers? I mean have the hor'dovers been over here once?
(calls across the room to Kate)
Um, excuse me. Miss. Kate serves another person, and does her best to ignore Kevin's call.

CLAIRE I think it's a substitute for war.

KEVIN What, depriving us of humus?

CLAIRE No, no, I mean really, think about football's upside. It sates men's appetite for destruction.

HUNTER Oh, well, I'm a man and I have no affinity for the sport.

Kate serves another group of people.

KEVIN
(calling over to Kate again) No, no, no, they're tenured they don't need free food.

MONIQUE (to Hunter) You have no affinity for the sport because you're a product of socio-economic factors.

JENNINGS (that catches his attention) How's that?

MONIQUE Well, consider ancient Rome.

JENNINGS All right.

MONIQUE It wasn't the scholars or senators out there hacking each other up for the crowd's amusement.

JENNINGS But they were certainly spectators.

MONIQUE Though it's doubtful that they were wearing the Roman equivalent to giant cheese loafs on their heads. (all but Claire & Jennings laugh) True passion for sports, contests, violence; it comes from the working classes.

Kate is about to pass them when.....

MONIQUE
(to Kate) Excuse me, Miss. (Kate looks at her) Hi. Would you say that in your neighbourhood, people generally get worked up over football?

KATE
(sarcastic) Oh, in my neighbourhood? Football's just an excuse to get drunk and fight. I mean, that's when we're not out cruising the boulevard in our tripped up GTO's singing along to Springsteen songs.
(hands the tray of hor'dovers to Kevin)
Here, eat up, pal.

Kate storms away.

MONIQUE Did I say something?

CLAIRE Probably, yeah.

There's a moment as Jennings decides what to do. Then...

JENNINGS Kate, hold on!

Jennings walks after Kate. This takes his date (as well as the others) by surprise.

JENNINGS Please stop, this is very difficult for me, Kate please wait.

She stops and turns to him. Everyone in the dinning hall is now looking at them.

KATE Why? Why should I wait?

Trevor has finally arrived. He stands at the kitchen doorway and grabs a glass of wine as a server carrying them walks by. Then watches. There's a moment of silence as Jennings searches for the words. The whole room is quite. Claire and the others are watching, Kevin eats some hor'dovers as he watches.

JENNINGS
(in his South Boston accent) 'Cuz you're wicked awesome.

That took Claire by surprise. Kevin just keeps eating.

KATE
(crosses her arms) What else?

JENNINGS
(in his South Boston accent) You're smart, you're funny.... you got a hot bod.

Monique can't believe this is happening.

KATE
(in her proper accent) Why, Professor, this is hardly the time or place.

JENNINGS
(in his South Boston accent) Screw the time or place.

KATE
(in her proper accent) I somehow doubt the family would approve.

"I'll stand by you" by the Pretenders starts to play.

JENNINGS
(in his South Boston accent) Then don't bring 'em.

KATE
(in her original accent) We're going somewheres?

JENNINGS (in his accent) Baby, we were born to run.

The music swells as the two kiss. Some people applaud. Trevor has a big smile on his face. Claire looks happy. Kevin offers her a cheese puff, she declines. When the two finally finish kissing, Jennings and Kate, hand in hand, run out of the room.

INT. CHAMP & TREVOR'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT SAME NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

Trevor enters. Champ is sitting in the barber's chair with a script in his hand.

TREVOR How'd it go, Albert?

CHAMP I got the part.

TREVOR That's good.

CHAMP They seemed very concerned about my mother. Mentioned her transplant.

TREVOR How is she doing?

CHAMP Water skiing this weekend as a matter of fact.

As Trevor enters is part of the apartment, he sees that all his things are back in place, including his beads which are hanging in there usual spot.

TREVOR Resilient woman, your mom. (smiles)

Champ and Trevor give each other a look, then Champ goes off to study his script. Trevor looks around his room and gives a little happy laugh.

INT. HALLWAY, IN FRONT OF DOOR TO JENNINGS' OFFICE - DAY (JUMP CUT)

Claire is walking to Jennings' office. Right before she knocks on the door, Kate opens it, her hair is sort of messed up, her blouse is buttoned the wrong way and she has a big smile on her face.

CLAIRE Oh.

KATE Oh, hello.

CLAIRE Uh.. your buttons.. (she point to the Kate's blouse buttons.)

KATE Oh! Thanks! (she leaves while trying to button her shirt the right way)

Claire enters the office.

INT. JENNINGS' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Jennings is at his desk. His feet are up on his desk, his hair and shirt are a bit messy and he has a happy, goofy expression on his face. Sort of that post-sex expression. When Claire enters he sits up and straightens himself out.

CLAIRE Hi, uh, I was-- I was over at the library returning some books, and I, uh, thought I'd stop by to see how things are going.

JENNINGS No complaints.

CLAIRE I guess not. Hmm, uh, by the way I was meaning to ask you, uh, all the time you spent with Trevor, were you able to come to any determinations regarding his background?

JENNINGS
(stands) Do you know it was Trevor who arranged my meeting Kate?

CLAIRE Uh, yeah, yeah, you mentioned that once or twice.

JENNINGS I mean he said that she needed tutoring and he told her I needed meals cooked. Just funny how things work out.

CLAIRE Huh. You know, even a state-- even a state may give me....

JENNINGS
(stares off into space) He really thinks he's Cupid. That's really priceless.

CLAIRE Illness is-- is more the, uh, accurate word, Dr. Crawford, but, um, ahem, so do you-- do you think you could help?

JENNINGS
(looks at her) I'm sorry Claire, in all the excitement I didn't have time to study his dialect.

CLAIRE Oh, uh, well, so when do you think....

JENNINGS I doubt it will be anytime soon.

CLAIRE Oh... okay well... um, I'm-- I'm happy that you're happy. Hey, I'll-- I'll see you at the next dinner party?

JENNINGS Can't wait.

CLAIRE Okay. (waves goodbye)

Claire exits..

INT. HALLWAY- CONTINUOUS

Claire is walking way.

INT. JENNINGS' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Jennings grabs the folder marked "CUPID". He opens a drawer marked "MISC." in his filing cabinet. He then puts the folder in the very back of it.

INT. HALLWAY- CONTINUOUS

Claire reaches the end of the hall then stops and looks back. Then continues on.

INT. CUPPA JAVA - NIGHT (JUMP CUT)

The Singles GROUP is there. They're in the middle of a discussion.

CLAIRE Okay, Sherri, what I am hearing you say is that you're looking for a relationship that doesn't require any work.

SHERRI Is that too much to ask?

NICK
(looking around) Hey, what happened to the virgin?

CLAIRE Jennings is, uh, seeing a very nice woman.

NICK Yeah, but is he, uh... (give a non-threatening gesture)

CLAIRE Uh, things seem to be going very well.

TREVOR
(walks to the front) Yes, because he followed my advice.

CLAIRE Your advice?

TREVOR Yes, he trusted his gut and he did not wait for Ms. Things-in-common.

CLAIRE Uh, that's exactly what he did do.

TREVOR Name one thing they have in common.

CLAIRE Working class backgrounds.

TREVOR Name two things.

CLAIRE You know, Trevor, You made the introduction why don't you give yourself a pat on the back.

TREVOR
(pats himself on the back) Look at me. Watch me pat myself-- I am-- (light laughter from the GROUP)

CLAIRE Thank you. Taking into consideration all the things you've learned at these sessions.

TREVOR I haven't learned anything. Name one thing I've....

CLAIRE You know, you're sounding a little defensive.

TREVOR Really? I was shooting more for pissed off.

Camera view pulls back and rests on a small statue of a winged cherub above the doorway. Claire, Trevor and the group become fuzzy figures in the background. We can still hear the conversation in the background.

CLAIRE (O.S.) You know what you're problem is?

TREVOR (O.S.) Athena says I snore to much.

CLAIRE (O.S.) No, that's not it.

TREVOR (O.S.) I've never head-butted a mime?

CLAIRE (O.S.) Really?

FADE TO BLACK

THE END