WOMAN #1 .... I mean a guys gotta be pretty hopped up on testosterone to hit on you in a grocery store.

MIKE Wait a minute, wait a minute. I read in Dr. Allen's column that grocery stores are a safe place to encounter relationship material.

CLAIRE What I said regarding grocery stores was this: they afford you the opportunity to subtly note commonalities, okay. Say you're vegan and he's toting half a pound of veal, cross him off. If he's holding a pint of humus, Italian mineral water and a bouquet of gladiolas, cross him off.

WOMAN #2 What?

YOUNG MAN Why?

NICK He's gay!

GROUP (getting it) Oh.

MIKE Gay, gay, gay!

CLAIRE At least that's been my experience.

WOMAN #1 Once I was in the produce section and this man asked me to squeeze his.....

WOMAN #2 His what?

CLAIRE
(to phone) Yeah what is it. I'm in a meeting.

VOICE (on phone) We need you down here. Tonight if possible.

CLAIRE
(to phone) Why? McCormick's on call.

VOICE (on phone) Yeah, but you don't want to miss this one. It's right up your alley.

WOMAN #2 .... reveals the level of degradation men has reduced us to.

CLAIRE
(looks at the group, then to phone) It might take me a while.

CLAIRE It says he was picked up at Erie and Clark for drunk and disorderly. Why isn't he sleeping it off in some precinct house?

GREELEY There was no point. The breathalyzer was negative. They found him brawling with a pimp. It seems the fellow was standing at the corner offering to find people dates.

CLAIRE The pimp?

GREELEY (laughs) No, the patient. The pimp took umbrage.

CLAIRE Naturally you thought of me.

GREELEY There's more to it than that, but you'll see for yourself.

CLAIRE Well I assume his name isn't John Doe.

GREELEY That's good instincts Claire. Now, you've been working on that follow up to your first book for a long time now. How's it coming?

CLAIRE Honestly, it's not. I'm still researching, you know...... considering returning the advance money. I hate to admit this but love and romance from a scientific standpoint may be a dry well. Why do you ask?

NURSE (trying to stop giggling) Sorry.

MAN (finishing up the paper rose) .... It's a Valentine's day conspiracy. I don't blow my own horn so I end up on wrapping paper looking like a fat winged baby. (gives finished rose to a nurse) There you go, look at that, huh. I used to teach.....

CLAIRE He thinks he's Cupid.

GREELEY Keep your advance money. There's your bestseller.

TREVOR .... never worn a diaper in my life. You'll never hear me go "scupe" (does a archer motion) I'll never be that guy. (nurses giggle)

FADE OUT

CLAIRE Name?

MAN Cupid.

CLAIRE I've got all night.

MAN Tremendous. I'm free too. Maybe we should hang the "do not disturb" sign.

CLAIRE I'll ask you to refrain from that sort of innuendo.

MAN You will? When?

CLAIRE Now.

MAN Okay.

CLAIRE (points to herself) Doctor. (points to MAN) Patient. Are we clear?

MAN Yes in deed. One of my favourite games ever. (raises his hand) I've got a hernia.

CLAIRE I can't help you, unless you let me.

MAN You want to help me?

CLAIRE Mm-hmm.

MAN Get me out of here. I've got a job to do. I can't do it in here.

CLAIRE Understand this.... I am your ticket out.
(beat)
Now, tell me your name.

MAN (sighs) The name.... is Cupid.

LAURIE Hey, according to Dr. Allen, the number one reason women don't date much once they've hit thirty is because they expect perfection. Do you think that's true?

MADELINE (puts a flower in man's lapel) Good luck with the ladies today, huh, Charlie. (to LAURIE) No, I don't think that's true, Laurie. I think the reason we don't date that much is because of all those chicks who made finding Mr. Right a priority at twenty-four.

LAURIE (reading aloud from the article) "'All of the good ones are taken.' is the frequent repost of women whose ideal man exists only in Camelot and Merchant-Ivory films."

MADELINE Let me see that.

MAN Before we begin today a word about the accommodations. I couldn't find the concierge, so you're the lucky one. Jot this down. Why am I asking you this. That's all you do. You jot. Number 1 - new tailor...(points to his clothing) I'm Papillon. Number 2 - new chef. Number 3 - new clientele. There is a gentleman out there who is hiding ping pong balls in a place where..... let's just say that I won't be signing up for the tournament.

CLAIRE (to orderly) Uh, Hector, I'm fine here. Thank you.

HECTOR You sure?

CLAIRE Yeah.

MAN I need you in goal tonight, Hector.

HECTOR Right. (closes door behind him)

CLAIRE Yesterday you mentioned a job?

MAN (takes a seat) You know, your hair would look better down.

CLAIRE (stands) When you decide you're ready to get serious why don't you let one of the bell hops, those are the large fellows with the white suits, know.

MAN It's more like a punishment.

CLAIRE Excuse me?

MAN It's more like a punishment. It's not a job, it's a punishment, one hundred couples matched up before I'm allowed back.

CLAIRE Back where?

MAN Mt. Olympus.

CLAIRE Of course.

MAN You asked.

CLAIRE Ah, so, this is a punishment. That's an interesting choice of words. Did you do something wrong?

MAN At the expulsion hearing they yammered on about me relearning my craft, (looks at her legs) the screwed up state of love and romance, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

MAN Frankly I found the whole thing..... (*laughing*) *ridiculous*.

CLAIRE Hmm, why's that?

MAN A hundred couples, I used to knock that out before lunch.

CLAIRE Really?

MAN Yeah.

CLAIRE How'd you pull that off?

MAN My bow....my arrow....they're magic.

CLAIRE Um, did you have those with you now?

MAN Right now? At this moment?

CLAIRE Yeah, maybe-- maybe you can shoot me and I'd more fully understand this magic.

MAN (sarcastic) Do you see a bow?

CLAIRE If you don't have a bow and arrow, then how can you claim to be Cupid?

MAN Try to follow. They sent me back...solo, on my own, no weaponry, no magic.

CLAIRE Oh, that is convenient. Uh, so you said a hundred couples, right?

MAN Correct.

CLAIRE So how long do you think that'll take you, bowless?

MAN Two weeks, max.

CLAIRE Two weeks? (writes something down)

MAN Yeah...eleven days. Nine days. Put-- put five. Put five. Make-- make-- I can do it in five.

CLAIRE What is it?

MAN Put five. I think I can do it.

MAN McLucky, what've you got there, Barb? Oh a pair of 3's won't do it and you're out of socks. Now comes the top.

HECTOR Hey, Cupid, get your clothes back on before I write your crazy ass up. Dr. Allen's waiting. Come on! Lets go! Dr. Allen's waiting.

MAN (puts on his robe) Okay, all right. Look at Charlie hustle. Look at Charlie hustle.

HECTOR Charlie hustle. Charlie hustle.

MAN Hey, you know what? Hector...

HECTOR Yeah?

MAN Guess who was checking you out at breakfast?

HECTOR Who?

MAN Eleanor.

HECTOR The nurse? B-wing Eleanor?

MAN Yes.

HECTOR No way.

MAN (O.S.) (to someone passing by) Watch out, Chuck, he's crazy!

HECTOR (O.S.) Never mind that. So-- so what do I do about Eleanor?

MAN (O.S.) You reel her in.

HECTOR (O.S.) What, reel her in, just like that?

MAN (O.S.) Yeah, yeah. First thing you do, you talk about her smile, right? After she laughs that up, tell her the best part of your day is when she touches your hand when she laughs.

HECTOR (O.S.) Okay. Yeah.

MAN Okay, then you tell her you like looking at her silhouette when she medicates the old timers at the big bay window at dawn.

HECTOR (laughs) You notice that, huh? Yeah, but I can't just walk up to her and say it.

MAN Why can't you do that. You like her lips, Hector?

HECTOR Oh yeah.

MAN Tell her you want-- you long-- you long to taste them and that you're sure they're some rare combination of honey and wine and you lie awake in bed at night and you remember the way she smells and there's something sexy about her stealthiness, right? The way that she walks heel to toe in her size 8's Minlo Blahniks, never suspecting that you're constantly aware of her....

CLAIRE All right.

MAN ... presence.

CLAIRE And they're 7's. Do what he tells you, Hector, and you'll probably end up facing sexual harassment charges. (notices the MAN's toque) Nice hat.

MAN Thank you.

NURSE (O.S.) Dr. Allen.

CLAIRE Excuse me.

MAN (with CLAIRE gone) Hector who you gonna believe? God of love for 3000 years or Madame Rorschach?

HECTOR Well she is the relationship expert.

MAN Sh-- she's the what?

CLAIRE Olympus, tell me about it.

MAN Non stop clothing optional party, everyone's beautiful, drinking wine, chasing nymphs. An amazing place, you have no idea.

CLAIRE I saw "Boogie Nights". Okay. Neptune, details.

MAN Gives me a team of oxen and a handful of sheep every year for my birthday.

CLAIRE Gee, that's interesting but not what I meant, though.

MAN I see what you're doing. (moves to the seat across her) Okay, Neptune - Jupiter's older brother, he helped defeat the Titans, rules of the seas, does a real nice job.

CLAIRE Venus and Mars.

MAN Mom and dad, come on.

CLAIRE We started easy. Romulus.

MAN Founder of Rome.

CLAIRE Minotaur.

MAN Nasty creatures, bull's head, man's body.

CLAIRE & MAN (simultaneous) Peleleos.

MAN Theban leader during the Trojan War. Lactose intolerant.

CLAIRE Okay, okay, so you know your mythology. Anyone can study a book. So tell me, how did Psyche react when the gods sent you back to earth?

MAN Who?

CLAIRE Psyche. Cupid's wife.

MAN My what?

CLAIRE His wife. She was mortal. He fell in love with her despite the gods' objections. This is one of Cupid's best known myths. You don't know about this?

MAN That never-- that never happened. I...

CLAIRE Well it's right here. (turns pages a book) It's right in the book. I mean, I can let you see it right there.

MAN I'm telling you it never happened.

CLAIRE Chapter fourteen. There's a picture. It must have happened.

MAN (looking at the page) So your saying Cupid was married.

CLAIRE Yes.... he was.

CLAIRE In summary, after weeks of therapy I believe this patient is no danger to himself or others. Therefore I am recommending to this competency committee his immediate release. Additionally he has taken great strides in overcoming his delusional state. He no longer believes he's Cupid.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1 And yet you still have no idea as to his true identity? No name?

MAN (stands, surprising CLAIRE) It's Trevor. Trevor Hale. (sits back down)

COMMITTEE MEMBER #2 Well good, that eases one of my qualms. Does he have any money, a place to go?

CLAIRE Uh, uh, well, when we found him he had $170 with him. There are a number of shelters that we work with, as you know....

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1 $170 isn't going to last very long in this city.

CLAIRE Well if you review the documents I've prepared you'll see his aptitude scores are off the charts. He'll have no trouble finding employment.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1 Are you prepared to take responsibility for that?

CLAIRE (thinks for a moment) I am.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1 Good. I think I can speak for the committee when I say we all approve the release of .... um.... (reads her notes) Trevor Hale, under the following conditions. One - he find employment and two - you continue to regularly monitor his progress.

CLAIRE But...

COMMITTEE MEMBER #2 Good work as usual Dr. Allen.

CLAIRE Uh... my-- my case load is such that I...

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1 Thank you, Dr. Allen. (to clerk) Next case, please.

CLAIRE Thank you.

TREVOR (to someone O.S.) Thank you for all your help, then. See you later. Get that pilots license.

CLAIRE Excuse me! Uh...there you go. (presents him a card) Uh, Tuesdays and Fridays...

TREVOR (takes card) You got a card? That's great.

CLAIRE I-- I-- yes I have a card. I-- I mediate a group, it's a singles group and I think that might be a good place to deal with some of your issues...

TREVOR A singles group. Like fish in a barrel, perfect. (pockets card)

CLAIRE What are you saying?

TREVOR I'm saying I got a job to do. A hundred couples before I'm allowed back. Wasn't going to get it done in there, know what I mean.

CLAIRE Look, Trevor, I just staked my entire professional reputation on you.

TREVOR Which was sweet..... pretzel? (gets a pretzel from the vending man)

CLAIRE No-- you are not a god, okay, you're not Cupid. You're obviously a man who has issues and problems....

TREVOR (to someone O.S.) Hector, Eleanor have a great weekend.

ELEANOR (O.S.) Oh thanks, you too.

TREVOR They're going riverboat gambling. Put that in your notes. See you tonight. These people need me.

TREVOR Oh, can you get this for me, (referring to his pretzel) I only have a hundred. Thank you.

FADE OUT

CLAIRE Hey, Phil.

PHIL Dr. Allen. Something I can help you with?

CLAIRE Yeah I think maybe there is. Can you run a missing person check for me?

PHIL Not a problem. Name?

CLAIRE Trevor... Hale. It's a long shot.

PHIL Sure.

MADELINE Yeah, I hear what you're saying but I do get lonely from time to time now, but it still seems better to me than a life spent with a guy who's not gonna rock my world.

CLAIRE When I say women expect to much, I'm not suggesting that we settle. What I am suggesting is that we have been raised on fairy tales and we have come to expect one of our own. True? Go ahead we've all shared ours.

WOMAN #2 Railroad track, Canadian mountie.

WOMAN #1 Hot day, Good Humour man.

MADELINE Uh, okay, um, there's this thing, "The Way We Were".... you know, when Robert Redford sees Barbara at the fraternity party with James Woods. And he gives her this look, you know, and the way he crosses the room with purpose, and it's like he's just found the answer to a question that he's never even asked before and they dance and um.... then he just leaves without saying a word....... no one dances anymore.

CLAIRE Yeah I know. That's a great fantasy, now you're going have to let it go because it won't happen. Okay, it doesn't happen. It's a movie. Lasting relationships are built on friendship and compatibility.

CLAIRE Group, this is Trevor... Hale. He's new. Trevor maybe you should just audit the session this week.

TREVOR Uh, it's gonna happen. She's gonna see her dream man from across the room. She will, but there'll be this problem. Some bozo who shares her same interest in ornithology will have his arm draped around her shoulder.

CLAIRE Oh, and-- and this man with the Robert Redford walk, maybe he, uh, doesn't want kids and she does, maybe he's unemployed, maybe he lives with his mother.

TREVOR So?

CLAIRE So, that is unacceptable for most woman.

TREVOR Maybe he had to take care of his invalid mother, maybe he had to quit his job to conquer Sparta.

CLAIRE So you would tell this woman to wait for someone who reminds her of this perfect looking man in perfect lighting.

TREVOR Love may not be that, exactly. But I tell you what it won't be. It won't be something that stops to check off items on an ideal mate list. It's not compatibility, it's the chemistry and the heat...

CLAIRE Yeah ,okay, you know what, for six months if you're lucky. Then it's negotiation, compromise, and friendship.

TREVOR (laughs) Then you die.

CLAIRE I think this is as good a place as any to stop.

TREVOR Stop? We're finally getting to something here, I mean, this is a pop-psychology, sensitivity awareness festival. Make a move, get in the game. What, you gonna get hurt? Have a beautiful train wreck. By the way, speaking of love (walks down the row pointing at various members) --treadmill--clearasil--happy pill....

MIKE (stands and stops him) All right.... (to everyone) Don't forget tonight is open-mic night across the street at Taggerty's. Dr. Claire don't forget you promised you'd come this time.

CLAIRE Yes, I remember.

MIKE And I want everyone to sing tonight.

CLAIRE Okay thanks guys. Trevor stay.

CLAIRE (clears throat) Fifteen years of training has prepared me to help this people.

TREVOR Being the Roman god of love for three thousand years has prepared me for what? Desk job at Hallmark?

CLAIRE Okay, you know what, let's say for the moment that you are Cupid. Remind me again how you made your matches..... oh, that's right, you shot them! Huh? Random people falling madly in love, they had heat, they had chemistry. Take a good look around you, Eros, the divorce rate, the personals.... your methodology did not work...........So-- so why don't you let someone with a little insight take a shot.

TREVOR Fire away.

CLAIRE Okay.

TREVOR Jump on in.

CLAIRE I shall (begins to leave, then returns) I forgot my bag.

MAN IN LINE Think we'll get in.

CHAMP Whoa there, cowboy. Let me explain to you the theory of a line...

TREVOR This place authentic? 'Cause you're not exactly lookin' Irish there, Seamus.

CHAMP (faux Irish accent) Fair play, T, but you never heard me and lads on the border and pipes. We're bleedin' deadly.

TREVOR (watching the woman walk by) I stand corrected ... carry on.

CHAMP (to TREVOR) Hey! Wait!

WOMAN #1 Love is a battle field.....

MIKE (to bartender) Keep it. (hands MADELINE a glass) Sixteen ounces of liquid courage. (sips his own beer)

MADELINE There is no way I'm getting up there.

MIKE Come on all the cool kids are doing it.

TREVOR Know what I like about darts?

WOMAN #2 The way they embody the Olympic spirit?

TREVOR No. The fact that you only need one hand to play.

TREVOR Ha ha ha. Spreading the love!

NICK What are you, some kind of professional?

MC ....next up we got Jerry Ramsey. Jerry come on, get up here.

JERRY Yeah woo hoo.

GUY (to bartender) Yo, babes little help?

GUY Got a problem buddy? Something you need to get off your chest?

GUY (back to bartender) Hey lady, little help down here!

GUY Didn't think so.

CLAIRE Small penis.

CLAIRE Acting out in public often stems from feelings of sexual inadequacy.

GUY You think?

GUY Maybe we should test your little theory, see how inadequate I am.

TREVOR Bad move, brother.

GUY Later, pal. We've got a budding romance here.

TREVOR You ever watch fame? You know what I have in common with Bruno, Leroy and Coco? I'm gonna live forever. What about you, you gonna live forever? See it would saturate my pleasure glands to rip your skin off and make ponchos for the kids, so keep your paws of my shrink here because I'm a frustrated taxidermist and I'd love to go deep on ya. We on the same team butter bean?

CLAIRE Fame?

TREVOR Mm-hmm.

CLAIRE You get cable on Mt. Olympus?

TREVOR Omniscience, baby. Look it up.

LINDA Well done, love. I have to get you a beer on the house.

TREVOR Actually what I need is a job. (looks around at the crowd) Looks like you could use the help, too.

LINDA Know anything about bartending?

TREVOR Well, scotch and soda thing always throws me, but....

LINDA Let me get you the recipe. (offers a handshake) The name is Linda.

TREVOR (accepts the handshake) Hey.

LINDA Consider this an audition. (tosses him an apron)

TREVOR All right, nice to meet you. (to CLAIRE) She must recognize my aptitude. What can I get you for? (CLAIRE is stunned) Think about it, I'll be back.

MIKE Come on, if you don't you'll hate yourself tomorrow.

MADELINE No, no. If I do people will point and stare.

MIKE (his gaze follows a pretty woman walking by) Yeah, well there's always that chance.

MIKE What?

WOMAN #2 So Claire, who is that new guy?

CLAIRE Oh, just someone I know from work.

WOMAN #2 A doctor?

CLAIRE No, just a guy.

WOMAN #2 He's kinda sexy.

CLAIRE Sexy how?

WOMAN #2 "Sexy" in that "I'd like to have sex with him" kind of way.

CLAIRE No, he's not.

TREVOR Let me guess... woman did that to ya.

DAVE I haven't had a love life for two years.

TREVOR Hoping you just said "two beers".... Dream girl, describe her to me. See what we can do.

DAVE Dream girl? Uh, warm, uh......

TREVOR Warm - fuzzy, on fire? You know, gotta do better than that. Give me a type... geisha, amazon, naughty schoolmarm....

CUSTOMER (O.S.) Bartender can I get a drink.

TREVOR Think about that. (attends his bartending duties)

DAVE Okay.

MADELINE You
Made me leave my happy home
You took my love, and now you're gone
Since I fell for you
Well it's too bad
And it's too sad
I'm in love with you.

TREVOR My man, ever see "The Way We Were".

LINDA Memories, like the corners of my mind
Misty water-coloured memories
Of the way we were
Memories may be beautiful yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
Oh, so it's the laughter, yes
We will remember
Whenever we remember, yes
The way we were
The way we were
The way we were

MADELINE Excuse me.

DAVE Yeah.

MADELINE I think that you should know that I left a slipper in there with the bartender, I'm expecting you to track me down.

DAVE I usually get stuck with a wicked step sister. (gathering his courage) Uh... listen, I know-- I know it's late, and I'd understand if you don't want to go but maybe we can go somewhere and talk....... (faltering) that was a bad idea.

MADELINE No....

DAVE No, I'm serious....

MADELINE No-- no.... I mean where do you wanna go considering it's 2:30 in the morning.

DAVE Actually there's a place I know. They do a great Civil War reenactment but they're only open till three. Plus there's bowling and you can wash your clothes there too, ha ha.

MADELINE (pause) Ha, ha, ha. Can you get some coffee there?

DAVE Stonewall Jackson brings it right to the table.

MADELINE Before we do any laundering, I'm gonna have to insist on a name.

DAVE Uh, I'm Dave. (offers handshake)

MADELINE (accepts handshake) Dave. I'm Madeline.

TREVOR I just found Madeline her humble gardener. (walks to the bar)

CLAIRE You did what?

TREVOR They just left in a cab together.

CLAIRE You can't just.... she left with a stranger....

TREVOR Did Madeline seem warm to you. She seemed warm to me, but then again without fifteen years of experience...

CLAIRE Don't start! You!

TREVOR Kudos to who ever got you to dress like a woman tonight. Must be someone here you hope to impress.

DAVE Uh.... best....um, best product sold through a comic book?

MADELINE Sea monkeys.

DAVE Sea monkeys?

MADELINE No, no, no. The hovercraft. That build-it-yourself hovercraft.

DAVE Of course, the hovercraft. That's my favourite.

MADELINE Best.... conquistador?

DAVE Ponce De León.

MADELINE Really? I'm more of a Vasco De Gama girl.

DAVE Vasco De Gama, huh? That's cool. Best pipe dream?

MADELINE White picket fence.

DAVE I was gonna say (*faux British accent*) *international rock star* but it's uh, kinda, well, a little shallow, so I-- I think like yours better.

MADELINE I'm sorry. I-- I don't know...I got a little...

DAVE No-- no. It was me. I was just a little, uh......It's been a long time since I felt.... uh, felt anything like that.

FADE OUT

CHAMP It's just up here to the right.

TREVOR No doorman, no elevator. I can see why your roommate skipped out on you.

CHAMP Well, I don't know how I let you talk me into this, so don't push it, all right. Where were you living before here?

TREVOR Lakeview Emotional Wellness Centre and Treatment Facility.

CHAMP You mean a hospital.

TREVOR They didn't believe I was really Cupid.

CHAMP We better have a little chat before beds are assigned.

TREVOR Top bunk!

MADELINE (on tape recorder) ..... to a question that he's never even asked before and they dance and um.... then he just leaves without saying a word....... no one dances anymore.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

CHAMP (enters) Yo!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

CHAMP Yo! Olympus Fats. Tell me you're not opening up a pool hall up in here.

TREVOR (stops hammering) No, (points to the beads) this'll let me know when it's time to go home. No offence but this place sucks.

CHAMP Ah, Chicago will frappe your ass.

TREVOR I meant Earth.

CHAMP Oh yeah, that's right you're on a .... how'd you put it last night... a mission. So what? You get a point every time a couple of yours you hook up gets to (slaps his fist into his hand) knocking boots.

TREVOR I wish it were that easy but nope. Got any more nails?

CHAMP So how are you supposed to know when that happens. Yeah, in the kitchen.

TREVOR It doesn't matter if they say they're in love, doesn't matter if they get married. It only counts if the gods decide it's true love. Those beads just help me keep score.

TREVOR Hey, what's this?

CHAMP Put that down. (runs and grabs it from him) That's my Student Tony.

TREVOR Student what?

CHAMP Tony, for best actor. "Cook County Performing Arts Magnate, 1985". That's what I do, I'm an actor.

TREVOR Oh yeah, you were, uh, very convincing last night as that bouncer. I enjoyed your looming presence.

CHAMP (puts his Tony back in its place) All right, watch it. Just so you know I can be sipping Dom at Spago's right now if I played the game.

TREVOR What game is that?

CHAMP The black actor game. You know-- folky wisdom provider-- cocky boxing opponent-- (TREVOR not getting it) sacrificial Star Trek crew member...

TREVOR Ah, okay, all right, I gotcha.

CHAMP Well you won't see me at any auditions that specifically says "black actor".

TREVOR Oh, I get it. So you're not interested in working then.

CHAMP That's not true. You know what I won that Tony for?

TREVOR Student Tony.

CHAMP Whatever. Odysseus.

TREVOR Odysseus?!

CHAMP Yes.

TREVOR I'd love to see that. Can you show me a little bit of it.

CHAMP I ain't showing nothin'....

TREVOR Come on. Let me see a little bit....

CHAMP Please, get out of here...

TREVOR Are you an actor or what?

CHAMP (thinks for a moment) All right.

TREVOR All right.

CHAMP (in his most eloquent voice) "Fair Penelope, sail not with these ships from Sparta, theirs is a cursed lot...."

TREVOR (laughs) I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just I-- I know the guy. He had a limp and a lisp. That was tremendous, but in real life he would have more like - (hops on one foot and in a lisp) "F-f-f-air Penelope, thail not with these thips from thparta, theirs is a cursed lot. You were def-f-f-feated..." (sprays spit on CHAMP's chest).

CHAMP How long are you gonna be here, huh?..... on Earth?

TREVOR Uh... I don't know, it's hard to say.

CHAMP I think I better get that first week in advance.

MADELINE So where do you go if you want to impress somebody?

MIKE Most romantic spot in Chicago? Without a doubt, upper deck, Wrigley Field.

WOMAN #2 (sarcastic) Yeah, on a clear day I hear you can see Milwaukee.

MIKE (taking it literal) No you can't.

CLAIRE For a view, there's always drinks at the, uh, Hancock or what about a carriage ride down Michigan Avenue.

TREVOR (putting down his paper) Do you people know nothing about romance.

CLAIRE Ah, the chair recognizes Trevor's id.

TREVOR For a place to be truly romantic it's got to sneak up on you. If it advertises that it's romantic you know it's not.
(beat)
I know this place.....

MADELINE I hate trying. The whole putting on lipstick and....

DAVE Yeah, I hate that.

MADELINE (giggles) Acting all coy.... Makes me feel ridiculous.... So, how is it you made it through these thirty odd years without popping the question to some sweet, young thing.

DAVE Well, actually I did once.

MADELINE Really? What happened?

DAVE Well, when I proposed I made a big production out of it, you know. Skywriting was involved, the whole bended knee thing and I got her a ring... an emerald ring that was my grandmother's...and then my mom's.......uh, she acted like I pulled it out of a Cracker Jack box.

MADELINE Good riddance.

DAVE You know you never asked me what I do for a living.

MADELINE Does it involve the internet and credit cards?

DAVE Ha, no.

MADELINE Then I'm not sure that I really care. You know, I have to say, I think you're the first guy I've ever known who doesn't act like what he does is who he is.

DAVE You know, I play first base for the Sox.

MADELINE Frank Thomas plays first base for the Sox.

DAVE (stops and looks at her) Uh, what did you say?

MADELINE He won first league MVP in '93.

MADELINE .327 career batting average.

MADELINE Five time all-star.

MADELINE They nick-named him "the Big Hurt".

GREELEY ....the patient is merely envious of the piano player's ability.

CLAIRE Yeah, that's a good one.

PHIL Hey, Dr. Allen.

CLAIRE Yeah? (turns) Oh, hey Phil. What did you find out?

PHIL I think you'll find this interesting. An R. T. Hale of Manhattan was reported missing four years ago.

CLAIRE R. T.?

PHIL Apparently it's just "R. T.". It doesn't stand for anything. Hale was a professor at Columbia University. They were investigating him for misconduct. Something about a relationship with a female student.

CLAIRE I don't suppose you found out what subject he taught, did you?

PHIL (apologetic) No.

CLAIRE That's fine. Thanks Phil.

PHIL Yeah.

CLAIRE (to Dr. GREELEY) Ten to one it was mythological literature.

TREVOR Where you gonna take her?

DAVE Dinner at her place tonight.

TREVOR So you gonna bust the piñata?

DAVE We still don't know much about each other.

TREVOR (stops playing and looks at him) You know what, you're starting to piss me off, man. At this rate...

DAVE (looks back) At this rate what?

TREVOR Nothing, you can rifle through her dossier later. (they resume playing) What do you know?

DAVE She's the first thing I've felt passionately about, other than work, since.... well, ever maybe.

TREVOR All right. Shut up and quit analyzing it.

TREVOR That's my boy. That's what I need from you. That's the kind of thing I need.

MADELINE So I really have to thank you because before I started coming here I-- I had totally taken myself out of the game.

CLAIRE That's very kind, I...

MADELINE I have to thank Trevor too, actually.

CLAIRE Ah, Trevor?

MADELINE Yeah if it weren't for him I wouldn't have met Dave.

CLAIRE Oh, um, was there something in particular you wanted to ask me?

MADELINE You know, it's about Dave. Um, he's driving me crazy. I-- I'm like jelly around him. It's like I would do anything he wanted me to do.

CLAIRE Are you asking me permission to seduce him?

MADELINE Yes.

CLAIRE Often in the beginning of relationships the participants don't talk about the big issues, okay. They-- they talk about the movies they like or their favourite restaurant. But they don't stop long enough to ask the big questions.

MADELINE The big questions?

CLAIRE Very big questions. We'll make a list, if those check out, I say jump him.

MADELINE (in between kisses) ....so...um ...does...um....spirituality important to you?

DAVE (in between kisses) ...uh-huh.

MADELINE (in between kisses) ...politics?

DAVE (in between kisses) ...uh, yeah, I vote.

MADELINE (in between kisses) ...uh, kids?

DAVE (in between kisses) ...are they important?

MADELINE (in between kisses) ...do you want them?

DAVE (in between kisses) ...yeah, some day. (tries a door)

MADELINE (in between kisses) ...that's the closet.

DAVE (in between kisses) ...sorry.

MADELINE (in between kisses) ...uh, housework?

DAVE (in between kisses) ...uh, 50-50.

MADELINE (in between kisses) ...dogs?

DAVE (in between kisses) ...good.

MADELINE (in between kisses) ...casual sex?

DAVE (in between kisses) ...there's nothing casual about this.

TREVOR Hey looking for Mr. Goodbar? Craftini over there says he fantasizes about doing it with a mousketeer. I know a costume shop down the street. If you put the ears on you can do a mean little....

CLAIRE Trevor! (sits on a bar stool) Can we talk?

TREVOR You mean like two people talking or doctor-patient?

CLAIRE Well, I've got a love story I want to share with you.

TREVOR Oh great, I got a break coming up, we can grab some food, take a walk. How about you...

CLAIRE No, no, you know the rules.

TREVOR Doctor-patient, how could I forget. (takes his apron off and sits with her)

CLAIRE Now stop me if you've heard this one before.

TREVOR Okay.

CLAIRE It's about a scholar.

TREVOR Mm-hmm.

CLAIRE A university professor.

TREVOR Gotcha.

CLAIRE Anyway, he falls for one of his students.

TREVOR Uh-huh, old story.

CLAIRE Mmm, this one's a little different. He falls madly in love with her. She reciprocates but the semester ends. For her it was a passing fling. For him it was much more.

TREVOR Like I said, old story.

CLAIRE Mmm, maybe it doesn't end there. See, he can't stop thinking about her. Follows her, shows up at her house in the middle of the night, leaves drunken messages on her machine. She reports him to the university, he's forced to resign in disgrace. He snaps. He gets as far away from her as possible. Changes his identity. Eventually he can't remember who he is anymore. He tells people he's the god of love.

TREVOR (serious tone) Okay, it's not bad. I got a better one though. Let's take your college professor, this time let's say he's a real ass hound. Just can't stop picking up coeds for a little private tutoring. Then unexpectedly falls for one of them. This vain, pompous man finally finds someone who completes him, someone who makes him the man he was supposed to be.

CLAIRE Go on.

TREVOR (serious tone) Then some jealous coed he tossed away the year before decides to make it her mission to destroy his happiness. Tells the woman about all the girls he seduced. The professor's lover can't take it, wants to escape, wants to sleep until it doesn't hurt anymore. Finds a bottle of pills. Figures the more she takes the longer she'll sleep. Then our Prince Charming finds her in his bed but..... no matter how many times he kisses her, she won't wake up.
(beat)
Drips with poetic justice doesn't it? Or is it irony?

CLAIRE Trevor, I know I can help you.

TREVOR (light hearted) You know what, I don't know about your ending, sorta hackneyed. Instead of the whole insanity thing, he should travel village to village wrestling minotaurs for sacks of gold.

CLAIRE Trevor, Hector and Eleanor broke up today. There was a big scene at the hospital.
(beat)
You have no magic.
(beat)
You are not a god.

TREVOR No bow and arrow. I explained it to you. Can't make you believe me. After tonight ask Madeline and Dave. They'll say they believe in Cupid.

FADE OUT

DOCTOR That's correct. At this time we are not certain whether the violence manifested this past week at the ward is a sign of dissociative behaviour or bi-polar. I'd like to get him on some Lithium if it's dissociative and maybe a good mood stabilizer, like Tegretol, if it's bi-polar.

(plaque) "AND LOVE SHALL MAKE THE EARTH TREMOR AS IT'S REBORN IN A STORM OF FIRE AND HAIL"

DOCTOR Either way, I'm not confidant coming down with that decision. While at the outset we believe the patient was presenting.....

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1 (V.O.) And yet you still have no idea as to his true identity? No name?

TREVOR (V.O.) It's Trevor. Trevor Hale.

YOUNG MAN No, no. But my question is-- is monogamy ever assumed. Do women figure that's the case once you're, you know, sleeping together.

WOMAN #2 Condom or no condom?

CLAIRE Excuse me?

MADELINE You. (pointing to TREVOR)

TREVOR Yeah.

MADELINE You're to blame for this. You pushed him my way.

TREVOR Yeah I did. What's going on?

MADELINE He's married.

CLAIRE Oh Madeline the pain you're feeling right now...

MADELINE (turns to CLAIRE) What about the pain I'm feeling right now? You-- you treat love like it's some kind of math problem. What can you possibly tell me about my feelings? You sit up there like some kind of a god, and we just suck it all in. Well, here I am. A disciple..... and look what it got me.

DAVE You heard, huh?

TREVOR Why don't you work another bar, all right. I so much as catch you glancing at a woman in here...

DAVE It's not like that Trevor. My marriage died along time ago.

TREVOR Divorce is still legal in this country.

DAVE And mine will be final in a hundred and twenty days. (takes a seat) The thing that gets me is I was the one trying to keep it together.

TREVOR Really? Kinda like how Yoko was with the Beatles.

DAVE You have no idea what you're talking about. I stuck it out two years after her affair, okay. I suggested therapy, I gave her space, I waited for her to fall back in love with me. I'd say that was trying.

TREVOR Please tell me you didn't come here looking for sympathy.

DAVE No, I came here to explain this was not an affair. This is the real thing.

TREVOR Madeline's not real high on you right now, buddy.

DAVE I know, but I'm gonna make her understand that I love her, even if it's pointless. I'll be like the guy who pushes a rock up the hill.

TREVOR Sisyphus.

DAVE Sisyphus. That'll be me.

TREVOR Then why wait.

(music)
I got a gal who's always late
anytime we have a date
but I love her
yes, I love her

(music)
I'm gonna walk right up to her gate
and see if I can get it straight

(music)
'cause I want her
I'm gonna ask her

(music)
Is you is or is you ain't my baby...

MADELINE Hey.

MADELINE Yeah, you with the mask, take it off. (he does, it's CHAMP)

(music)
Way you're actin' lately makes me doubt...

CHAMP Forgot, this is for you also.

CHAMP Thank you. Bye. (exits)

(music)
A woman is a creature that has always been strange...

(music)
Just when you're sure of one
You'll find she's gone and made a change
Is you is or is you ain't my baby. (ends)

TREVOR (O.S.) It's not moping, you'll know it when I mope.

TREVOR My previous joyous existence was the antithesis of this sludge. For thousands of years, I just shot people, sat back and laughed at the result. (moves over to an easy chair) It was a game, an easy game. Oh man, I prefer the easy game. Mortality must be a pain in the ass. I don't know how you do it.

CLAIRE You'll get used to it, Trevor.

TREVOR Work sucks, weather sucks, getting yelled at sucks... I've got to get back.

CLAIRE I'm thinking of disbanding the group.

TREVOR What? You can't do that.

CLAIRE No, Madeline was right. I just needed a focus group, guinea pigs for my next book.

TREVOR You know what, who cares about your original motivations, at least you give a damn. I look around the room I think - "buddy get a dog, order the complete cable package".

CLAIRE There's someone for everyone, Trevor.

TREVOR You know, when you say that, even though I know better I-- I somehow almost believe you.

CLAIRE You've never been in love?

TREVOR Not for more than twenty minutes.

CLAIRE Well, it's going to take someone.... patient. (TREVOR laughs) But there is a woman out there for you.

TREVOR A mortal, not likely. They would never let me back. And sister, I am going back as soon as I can.

CLAIRE Cupid fell in love with Psyche. She was mortal.

TREVOR Stop saying that. It didn't happen. (walks away from his beads) I'm telling you, the weather, the work, getting yelled at. It would all be a little more tolerable if I could just get a decent Italian meal.

CLAIRE There's great Italian food in Chicago. I know a dozens places.

TREVOR Okay, let's go.

CLAIRE Uh... look Trevor, we've been through this. I just don't think it.....

TREVOR You-- you know, I could use the counselling... Dr. Allen. (goes and sits on his window sill)

CLAIRE (taken aback) Doctor? Suddenly you're having doubts about your identity.

TREVOR No. Look, from what I hear you're the best shrink around, and it may take awhile, but, you know, with the, uh, right treatment, around the clock availability, you just may be able to cure me of this
(beat)
homesickness.

TREVOR Claire?
(beat)
You there?

CLAIRE Yeah, Trevor, I'm here.

CLAIRE Uh... why don't you meet me at the Clark Street "L" stop.

TREVOR Uh-huh, good. Listen, after that, I want you to take a look at the stain on my ceiling.

CLAIRE Trevor!

TREVOR Don't get all sweaty-palmed on me, snack-top. Professional curiosity. The shape, I think it's an abstract representation of innocence lost.

CLAIRE Or?

TREVOR A ducky.

CLAIRE (giggles) A ducky?

TREVOR Ha, ha.

CLAIRE Uh, how does, uh, thirty minutes sound?

CLAIRE Trevor?
(beat)
Hello?

TREVOR You sure you wanna do this?

CLAIRE Sure, Trevor.

TREVOR I'll be there.

CLAIRE Okay. Bye.

(music)
Sha la
Sha la la
Sha la la
la la la
Love, rescue me...

(music)
Love
Rescue me.

FADE TO BLACK