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TRANSCRIPT:
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[Scene: Street. A semi trailer has fallen on its side. Police cars have surrounded the area. Jordan gets out of her car.]

OFFICER: Hey. Looks like he jack-knifed back there by the skid mark sign.

(Jordan walks over to the truck. The driver is hanging out of the window.)

JORDAN: Geez. Guys, let's get him out of here. (Woody walks over to her.) What'd they do, demote you? Got you working traffic fatalities now?

WOODY: That's it, rub it in. We got a tip this guy's carrying stolen stereo equipment. Some jerk calls in sick and yours truly gets volunteered. They think just because I'm good natured, they can take advantage of me.

JORDAN: See, that's your first mistake right there. You've gotta cultivate the more surly aspects of your personality.

WOODY: Spending the afternoon digging around the back of some smelly truck. Filling out three hours of paperwork. This just sucks.

(They walk around to the back of the truck.)

JORDAN: That's what I'm talking about. Now you're getting the hang of it.

WOODY: Look out. (He opens the truck doors. They climb in.) I'm serious. It's humiliating. I'm a homicide detective, damn it. Is it too much to ask for a nice, little, not too hard to solve, interesting homicide?

JORDAN: I'm really starting to like this new you.

WOODY: Don't you have a dead guy to attend to?

JORDAN: And pass up the chance to score a free CD player? Are you crazy?

WOODY: What is that smell?

JORDAN: Fortunately there's only one thing in the world that smells like that. (Jordan opens a wooden box and finds a body inside.) One nice little homicide coming right up.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: ME's Office. Trace Evidence. The body is laying on a gurney. Jordan and Nigel are there.]

NIGEL: Pretty girl. Shame.

JORDAN: Yeah. She seems so innocent.

(Woody walks in.)

WOODY: The truck left Las Vegas four days ago. Picked up a load in LA, dropped off a piano in Boulder, Colorado, and was on its way to Portland, Maine.

JORDAN: I placed the time of death between 72 and 96 hours ago.

WOODY: That puts her somewhere between California, Nevada, Utah maybe. The box did not have the company's inventory number on it, so they have no idea how it got in the truck. They think somebody got on the truck at a truck stop. Could've been anywhere. Do we have a cause of death yet?

JORDAN: Blunt first trauma to the back of the head. Doesn't appear to be anything more complicated than that.

WOODY: No other clues on the body?

NIGEL: Come now, Woody. Need you ask?

JORDAN: Nigel's all excited about this white pasty substance he found under her nails.

NIGEL: Well, it takes so little to make me happy. My guess is it's drugs. Which is why I'm running a computer generated enzyme amino acetate test.

WOODY: Yeah, sure. Who wouldn't do that?

NIGEL: Screening for cocaine, heroin, PCP. All negative.

JORDAN: Guys, come take a look at the colour of her eyes.

WOODY: They're blue.

JORDAN: Actually... (She removes a contact lens.) No.

WOODY: Coloured contacts. Still doesn't give us anything.

NIGEL: Au contraire mon frère. All contact lenses have a manufacturers BIN number encoded on the rim. We find out where they were purchased, we might get an identity.

WOODY: How does he know all these things?

JORDAN: Ours is not to wonder why.

(Nigel leaves the room. He passes a man looking through the Crypt window.)

NIGEL: Excuse me, sir. You're not supposed to be back here. It's employees only.

MAN: I need to get in there.

NIGEL: Yeah, well, I'm sorry. You're gonna have to speak with someone at the front desk.

MAN: Look, I know my rights, man. I think... (Garret walks past.) Garret? Garret? Garret, is that you?

GARRET: Do I know you?

MAN: It's Peter. Peter Nash. We were in the Hemingway Club together at Northeastern.

GARRET: Of course. It's all right, Nigel, I got it.

(Nigel walks away.)

PETER: It's great to see you, Garret. How you been?

GARRET: I've been fine. So, uh, what brings you here?

PETER: Nothing. I'm just, you know, looking for my wife.

GARRET: In the Crypt?

PETER: Well, that's where you put the dead people, right?

[Cut to Lily's Office. Arlene is waiting there. Lily walks in.]

ARLENE: You could do with a little more lipstick, dear.

LILY: Mum.

ARLENE: Maybe a hint of pink to go with that blouse. Hello.

(They hug.)

LILY: Um, what are you doing here?

ARLENE: Well, I've come to visit.

LILY: That's great. So, um, how long are you staying?

ARLENE: As long as you'll have me. I'm moving in with you.

[Cut to the corridor. Jordan and Woody are walking towards the lobby.]

JORDAN: The contacts were purchased from an optometrist in Hollywood Boulevard.

WOODY: Well, it looks like we're taking a little trip to LA.

JORDAN: Shouldn't we let the FBI handle it?

WOODY: I'll call, but the body was found here in Boston so jurisdiction stays local. In other words, it is still my case.

JORDAN: Okay, then, give me a couple of hours to get a few things together.

WOODY: Why? Where you going?

JORDAN: To LA with you.

WOODY: No, you are not.

JORDAN: Yes, I am.

WOODY: Are not.

JORDAN: Am too.

WOODY: You are not going, Jordan. Last time we were in LA together I had to kill a man. Remember? I'll send you a postcard.

JORDAN: But...

(He walks away.)

[Cut to Forensic Laboratory. Nigel and Lily are there.]

NIGEL: Did you want something, Lily?

LILY: That woman standing there in my office? It's my mother. She's come to Boston to move in with me.

NIGEL: You don't want that, right?

LILY: No, of course not. I mean, I love this woman but she is a vampire. She's gonna suck the life out of me. So I told her she couldn't stay.

NIGEL: Well, good for you. Good for you. Parents need their boundaries too.

LILY: I kind of told her I have a fiance and he's moving in with me.

NIGEL: Forget it, Lily. I can't do it.

LILY: Come on, it's not a total lie. We almost got married once. Sort of.

NIGEL: Yeah, and that was a near disaster.

(Bug walks up to them.)

BUG: I'll do it.

LILY: Bug, I couldn't ask you to.

BUG: Why not?

LILY: You know.

BUG: I'm over that, Lily. If you're in trouble, I'll help you out. It's what friends are for.

[Cut to the Crypt. Garret and Peter are there. Garret uncovers a body.]

PETER: No, that's not my Gladys.

GARRET: Why don't you tell me what happened, Peter?

PETER: I don't know, really. I work at home. I'm a writer.

GARRET: Really?

PETER: Sure. I sometimes don't come out of my room for ten, twelve hours at a time. When Gladys comes home from work, we eat dinner together, the she watches the animal channel while I go back to work. I got up yesterday, she was gone.

GARRET: What'd the police say?

PETER: I filed a missing persons report but they think that maybe she'll turn up.

GARRET: They're probably right.

PETER: Yeah, maybe. You know, I always thought out of all of us, you'd be the one.

GARRET: Which one would that be?

PETER: The talented one, the cool one. I always thought you'd be the one to ride a motorcycle around the world. Write the great American novel.

GARRET: Oh, you never know. I still might have it in me.

PETER: I just never thought I'd see you in a place like this. What happened to you?

[Cut to the Corridor. Nigel walks out of Trace. Garret walks up to him.]

GARRET: Nigel, do me a favour. Call Boston PD and see if a Peter Nash has filed a missing persons report in the last few days.

NIGEL: Peter Nash. Oh, right, it's the weird guy with the bowling bag.

GARRET: That's the guy, yeah. I get a feeling I'm not getting the whole story.

NIGEL: So you guys were friends?

GARRET: Not really. We took a couple of creative writing classes together in college. But all I really remember about him is he wasn't very talented. For some reason he hero worshipped me.

NIGEL: Well, don't we all. I'll get on it.

GARRET: Thanks.

[Scene: Hollywood Boulevard. Woody walks out of a building looking through a street directory book. He looks up to see Jordan leaning against a red 1959 Cadillac. She has a big grin on her face.]

WOODY: I hate you, Jordan.

JORDAN: You only think you do.

WOODY: You hate me too. You're here to wreak some kind of terrible havoc on my life. And you wanna know what the most sick and twisted part of the whole thing is, is that I'm actually gonna let you do it. It's like watching my own train wreck.

JORDAN: Get a grip, Woody. I'm here. Get used to it.

WOODY: I swear, Jordan. I will handcuff you to a fire hydrant and let you lie in the sun and die like a dog if you so much as...

JORDAN: So what did you find out?

WOODY: How did you pull this off?

JORDAN: I had about five years vacation days saved up. You could be stuck with me for a month.

WOODY: I'm in hell. This is officially hell.

JORDAN: Did you ID the girl or not?

WOODY: Her name is Shirley McGinty. She purchased the contacts two months ago. The address on the check is an apartment on Ivar.

JORDAN: All right, good. I'll follow you.

WOODY: Um, I don't have a car.

JORDAN: Hop in.

(Jordan gets in the car.)

WOODY: All right. Well, it's taken a lot longer to get around this town on a bus than I expected. Man, where did you get this thing?

JORDAN: Sweet, huh? 1959 the Cadillac of Cadillacs. Got a great deal on it at the rent-a-car place.

(Woody gets in.)

WOODY: Sure you did. Where'd you go? Rent a pimp mobile? It probably leeks oil like a sieve.

(They drive away and a patch of oil is on the ground.)

[Scene: Outside Shirley McGinty's Apartment Building. Jordan walks up to the door and Woody checks the mailbox.]

WOODY: Someone named Krystin Watkins lives here now. I guess Shirley McGinty moved out.

JORDAN: Then why is there a photo of Shirley on the table in there?

(He walks over to her and looks through the window. Jordan picks the lock and they walk inside. They look around. Jordan picks up a videotape and puts it in the VCR.)

VOICE: (on tape) Screen test Krystin Watkins, take 3.

KRYSTIN: (on tape) William, please. I was just afraid that if you found out who I really was that you would never have wanted me. It's all been a lie, everything. My name, my background, my accent. I just wanted you to think that I was someone different, someone better. But the fact is I can't run away from who I am anymore.

(A man walks in pointing a gun.)

MAN: On you knees. Both of you, now. I said on your knees.

JORDAN: Hold on, we were just looking around.

MAN: Are you sleeping with her?

WOODY: What? No. I'm a cop. Boston PD.

MAN: You'd better tell me what the hell's going on right now.

WOODY: All right, all right. I'm just going for my badge, okay. I'm just going for my badge. (He pulls out his badge.) We're investigating a homicide.

MAN: She's dead?

JORDAN: Yes.

(He sits down.)

WOODY: Who are you?

MAN: I'm her husband.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Shirley McGinty's Apartment. Continued from before.]

COLE: She didn't return my calls. She always returned my calls.

JORDAN: You two didn't live together?

COLE: Do I look like I live here? I'm stuck back at San Quivera.

JORDAN: Where's that?

COLE: Up in Mohave Desert where Shirley and me grew up.

WOODY: Krystin Watkins is a fake name.

COLE: They spent $30 million on that movie but they couldn't change who she really was.

WOODY: $30 million?

JORDAN: What movie?

COLE: Have I gotta tell you guys everything? Her movie.

[Scene: ME's Office. Garret's Office. Garret is sitting at his desk reading a book. Nigel walks in.]

NIGEL: There's no record of a Peter Nash ever filing a missing persons report.

GARRET: I guess I'm not surprised. The whole thing seemed pretty funky to me.

NIGEL: Yeah. Which begs the question. What really happened to his wife? You didn't happen to ask what was in the bowling bag, did you?

GARRET: No.

NIGEL: Well, I'm just saying it had a distinctly dismembered head shape to it. (Peter walks in.) Well, I'll leave you two alone.

(Nigel leaves.)

PETER: Just seeing if she showed up.

GARRET: Nothing yet. Why did you lie to me about filing a missing persons report?

PETER: I know how these things work, Garret. I read a lot of crime novels. The first person they suspect is the husband.

GARRET: What's in the bag, Peter?

PETER: In here?

GARRET: Yeah, in there.

PETER: Everything. My one true accomplishment.

GARRET: Can you be a bit more specific?

(Peter puts the bag on the desk and slides it towards Garret.)

PETER: Go ahead. Open it. See for yourself. (Garret unzips the bag and looks inside. Inside is a pile of pages clipped together.) My novel. I wrote it. I suffered for my art, Garret, just like we used to talk about. It took me 20 years. I sacrificed everything for it. I'd be honoured if you'd be the first one to read it.

[Scene: Hollywood. A Movie Set. Jordan, Woody and a man are there.]

MAN: We were all shocked when we got the call. Do you have any idea who could've done this to her?

WOODY: We were hoping maybe you could help us.

MAN: Krystin had only eight scenes in this film. She popped. Stole the picture. She could've been America's sweetheart. A huge star. (to three men) Give us a minute, will you guys? (They walk away.) Four days ago, I received an anonymous package with this in it. (He holds up a CD.) You have to understand, this is a family picture. We open in ten days, we're expecting $30 million in the first weekend. That's why this could never see the light of day.

(He puts a DVD in the player and turns on the TV. It's Shirley McGinty in a pornographic film.)

JORDAN: Wow, look at America's sweetheart go.

MAN: An hour later I get a phone call. Some creep demands 500 grand or he's gonna plaster this all over the internet. Did I suspect she wasn't who she said she was? Of course. This is an industry where reinvention is not only common, it's often necessary.

WOODY: What'd you do after you got the call?

MAN: I confronted Krystin. She wouldn't tell me anything about it. She said she would take care of it herself. I said absolutely not. She stormed out of here in tears.

WOODY: And then you called the police?

MAN: No, I couldn't risk that. I called a private investigator who deals with celebrity security. Last time I heard from him was two days ago, somewhere in Mohave Desert.

[Time lapse. Jordan and Woody are in the Cadillac driving down a road in the desert. Woody is looking at a map.]

JORDAN: We should've got to the shortcut by now.

WOODY: It's supposed to be right here somewhere but it doesn't look right. Does that look like a dotted line to you? Come on, Jordan, you've gotta slow down.

JORDAN: I am so not speeding! Oh, there it is.

WOODY: All right, Jordan, I am telling you. You can not be going this fast in this car where it is a hundred degrees out. (Jordan turns down a dirt road. They pass a sign reading "San Quivera 17 miles".) I got a bad feeling about this.

[Time lapse. The Cadillac has broken down in the middle of nowhere. Smoke is rising out of the engine. Jordan is trying to get a signal on her cell.]

WOODY: Cadillac of Cadillacs. Great. Well, at least we'll die in style.

JORDAN: Hey, it's only about ten miles back to the highway from here.

WOODY: You wanna walk ten miles in this heat?

JORDAN: You got a better idea?

WOODY: Yeah, we sit tight and wait for help.

JORDAN: That doesn't look too promising.

WOODY: Yeah, because this is not a road. This is a dotted line.

JORDAN: Fine.

WOODY: Fine! (They sit down beside the car.) I just wanna state for the record that if I get desperate enough, I have no ethical issues eating human flesh. I just thought you should know that.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Bar. Lily and Bug are sitting at a table.]

LILY: She could barely take care of herself let alone my brother and me. The only thing she was good at was attracting men. So I had a lot of "uncles" growing up. They never stuck around too long.

BUG: You know, in some countries, parents have to live with their children their whole lives.

LILY: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

BUG: I'm sorry.

LILY: She's gonna do whatever she can to try and drive a wedge between us. She would actually tell the boys I dated that I slept with the entire football team. Can you believe it? Just to scare them off. This is what I'm dealing with here. So we gotta stick to our story.

BUG: Okay, but what exactly is our story?

(Arlene walks up to the table.)

ARLENE: Hi, dear.

LILY: Mum, you're early.

ARLENE: Well, this must be him.

LILY: Mum, I'd like you to meet my fiance.

BUG: Call me Bug.

ARLENE: Well, you are short. (She sits down.) So Lily tells me you make a living playing with insects. Not much money in that I imagine.

BUG: No, no, not as much as I like. But, you know, with Lily's new raise, we'll have enough for a down payment on a condo in a year and a half.

ARLENE: Word of advice. Don't let Lily handle the finances. Did she ever tell you about the time that she gave her entire summer's pay check to a homeless shelter?

BUG: Yeah, her sense of charity was one of the first things that attracted me to her.

ARLENE: She's charitable, all right. She used to give it up pretty good after the Friday night football games, didn't you, sweetheart?

BUG: Oh, we've all had our wild days.

ARLENE: Actually, uh, she didn't have much choice. With the weight problem and all.

BUG: Then, you know, I guess there'll just be that much more of her to love.

ARLENE: Let's drink to that.

[Scene: Desert. It's night. Jordan and Woody are sitting around a campfire.]

JORDAN: You've gotta admire her, you know. Totally reinventing herself. I could never do that.

WOODY: People do it all the time.

JORDAN: Yeah, not me. I am who I am.

WOODY: I'm talking about changing your basic situation. You know, leaving some place where people only think of you in a certain way.

JORDAN: I've run away plenty of times. I can't get away from my past.

WOODY: When I first got to Boston, I only had $1200 in my pocket. Now, I could've gotten a one bedroom apartment but I got a studio because I wanted to save a little money to get a new suit. See it's important to that I look a certain way and I betray a certain image. Because I certainly did not want people in Boston thinking of me as that chubby little kid from Kewanee who stammers and whose prom date stood him up.

JORDAN: I'm sorry, Woody.

WOODY: For what?

JORDAN: For not knowing you better.

WOODY: Well, it's a little difficult when your life philosophy is a two and a half stone tale.

JORDAN: I could try a little harder. Ask more questions, or just...

(She leans in and kisses him. A truck pulls up and honks the horn. Jordan and Woody stand up.)

BOB: '59 Cadillac, huh? Not exactly an efficient vehicle for desert manoeuvres.

WOODY: I tried to tell her that.

JORDAN: We're trying to get to San Quivera.

BOB: Interesting you'd take this road. Nobody takes this road.

WOODY: What'd I tell you?

JORDAN: Is there a service station around here that you can take us to?

BOB: Six miles up. But I only got room for one of you. How about I, uh, give the little lady a lift?

WOODY: How about not. I saw that movie. The lady gets in the truck and I never see her again. I'll go with you.

BOB: Fair enough. Hop in.

(Woody gets in the car and they drive away.)

WOODY: I really appreciate this.

BOB: You've come 43,000 light years. It's the least I can do.

WOODY: Yeah. LA's pretty far.

BOB: So what is it? Specimen collection, geological survey? What?

WOODY: We're actually just here on business.

BOB: Don't think I don't know who you are. The Cadillac. That's what gave it away. So you thought you could just blend right in. See, the TV signals you guys are picking up are from the 50s. We got fuel injection now. Ten disc CD changers in the back. 2.4 percent APR lease programs. You didn't count on that, did you?

WOODY: I'm sorry. What the hell are you talking about?

BOB: Did you think you could come to our planet and suck the bile out of my liver?

WOODY: Did you just say suck the bile?

BOB: You are out of my force field now, sucker. Tin foil.

WOODY: Say what?

BOB: Tin foil. Good ol' American know how. I got the bug spray too. So you can just take that and stick it up your alien ass.

WOODY: You know what? Why don't you just pull the truck over, okay? Just pull the truck over, I am getting out. I said pull the...

(Bob sprays Woody in the face. He falls asleep.)

BOB: Damn alien cop.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Bob's House. Woody is half naked and tied to a chair in the middle of the room. Bob zaps him with a stick. Woody yells in pain.]

BOB: How do you like that, R2D2? Hurts, doesn't it?

WOODY: It doesn't hurt but it's pissing me off!

BOB: When's the invasion force land?

(He zaps Woody again.)

WOODY: What are you talking about? Where am I?

BOB: You're in hell, boy. And that female with you, is she a brawn or an egg layer?

WOODY: What? (Bob zaps him again.) Stop doing that! I'm a cop, all right. Go look at my badge.

BOB: Yeah, right. (He picks up the badge.) Oh, nice try. Boston, right? B-O-S-T-O-N? They don't have spell checkers on your piss-ant planet?

(He zaps Woody again.)

WOODY: Okay, okay, okay. You got me. I'm an alien.

BOB: You are?

WOODY: Yes. I'm a Klingon.

BOB: What, do you think this is some kind of a joke?

WOODY: I'm sorry, did I say Klingon? I meant to say...

BOB: That's right. You can just keep talking, Spock.

(He tries to zap Woody but it doesn't work. Woody laughs.)

WOODY: Looks like your little light saber's broken there, Yoda. Get me out of this thing!

(Bob taps the stick and it sparks.)

BOB: Yoda? Yoda this.

[Scene: Desert. Jordan is asleep in the Cadillac. A sheriff taps on the car and she wakes up.]

SHERIFF: We take those last chance gas signs pretty seriously around here.

JORDAN: Actually, I think it's the radiator.

SHERIFF: Look like you're a long way from home.

JORDAN: I'm a medical examiner. I'm here to investigate a homicide.

SHERIFF: Shirley McGinty.

JORDAN: Yeah. How'd you know?

SHERIFF: I know everything around here. I spoke to her husband on the phone last night. Are you the ones from Boston?

JORDAN: Yeah, that's right.

SHERIFF: I thought he said there was two of you.

JORDAN: Well, Detective Hoyt went out looking for help. He was picked up last night by some guy in a pick up. He should've been back by now.

SHERIFF: In a beat up, full of crap in the back?

JORDAN: Yeah, that's the one.

SHERIFF: You'd better come with me, miss. I think your friend may be in a little bit of trouble.

[Scene: ME's Office. Garret's Office. Garret is sitting at the desk, deep in thought. Nigel knocks at the door.]

NIGEL: You okay, Dr. M.?

GARRET: I keep an old Royal manual typewriter right here in the drawer. It's the same kind Hemingway used. I've had an idea for a novel for 20 years. I've never written a word of it. Peter Nash went ahead and did it. Said he sacrificed everything for it.

NIGEL: Ah, you read the book.

GARRET: Yeah.

NIGEL: Was good, wasn't it?

GARRET: No, it was terrible.

NIGEL: So then what's the problem?

GARRET: The book's about a man who kills his wife. Chops her up and sticks her in his freezer next to the TV dinners. Then he becomes delusional, wracked with guilt, comes to the morgue looking for her. All right, now, if that's not weird enough, the man in the book has written all of this into a novel, gives it to the ME's old college friend to read.

NIGEL: Okay, you're freaking me out.

GARRET: He's expecting me to live out every scene including this one right now.

NIGEL: So what happens next?

GARRET: I don't know. The final chapter was missing. It ends with the ME reading the book, minus the final chapter, of course. He's just telling his colleague about it, just like I am right now when the phone rings, inviting him to the man's house to discuss the book.

(The phone rings.)

NIGEL: No.

[Scene: Bob's House. Woody is still tied to the chair. Bob has fallen asleep near by. Jordan and the sheriff walk in.]

WOODY: (whispers) Hey. Psst. Come here. Undo me.

JORDAN: Woody.

(Jordan rushes over to Woody and starts to untie him. Bob wakes up.)

BOB: Uh-huh!

WOODY: Hey.

BOB: Female.

WOODY: Hey, hey, hey!

SHERIFF: Bob. That's enough.

JORDAN: Are you all right?

WOODY: No, I'm not all right. This lunatic kidnapped me and tortured me.

BOB: This one's a sneaky one, Sheriff. He tried to fool me this time.

SHERIFF: Probably a good thing for you we showed up. Go ahead, Bob. Tell the man you're sorry.

WOODY: Sorry? I want this guy arrested.

SHERIFF: Well, I could do that but he'd be out in two hours. His uncle's the judge.

BOB: I'm real sorry that I tortured you. No hard feelings?

[Time lapse. Jordan, Woody and the Sheriff are back at the Cadillac. Someone is fixing it up.]

SHERIFF: Shirley, yeah, she's a really nice girl.

JORDAN: There was a private investigator out here asking around about her the last couple of days. Did he talk to you?

SHERIFF: I haven't seen anybody.

WOODY: Funny, I thought he would've contacted the local authorities.

SHERIFF: This is a small place. Anybody out here snooping around, I'd heard about it. Look, I think your best bet is to talk to Luann, that's Shirley's sister. She still lives with her daddy outside of town. I think they'd probably heard the news by now.

[Time lapse. Jordan and Woody pull up outside Luann's place. Luann is sitting on the porch. They get out of the car.]

WOODY: Hi. How are you? Luann McGinty?

LUANN: Who wants to know?

WOODY: Detective Hoyt, Boston PD.

JORDAN: Jordan Cavanaugh, I'm with the Massachusetts Medical Examiners Office.

WOODY: We'd like to ask you some questions about your sister Shirley.

LUANN: She's dead.

WOODY: Yes, we were hoping that you could help us with that.

LUANN: I know nothing.

WOODY: She was here this week?

LUANN: She doesn't like coming around here.

JORDAN: Has anybody been around here asking about her? Private investigator?

(Luann shakes her head.)

WOODY: Did she ever talk to you about a film she made? A pornographic film.

LUANN: No. It wouldn't surprise me. People always talk about getting out, going to the city. As far as I'm concerned, that's what killed her. She would've stayed here, she would still be alive. Now if you'd excuse us, we're grieving.

[Scene: ME's Office. Break Room. Bug is there. Arlene walks in.]

ARLENE: I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

BUG: Ma'am?

ARLENE: I don't think you're man enough to marry my daughter.

BUG: Why is that?

ARLENE: Because you're more in love with her than she is with you. Let me just tell you about Lebowski women. We're man eaters. Lily will chew you up and spit you out. So if I were you, I would just walk away right now.

BUG: Are you done?

ARLENE: Pretty much, yeah.

BUG: Okay. Let me tell you about what I know about the Lebowski women. One of them is the kindest, most compassionate woman I've ever known and the other is a pathetic cipher. A black widow who wants nothing more than to keep her daughter from finding happiness on her own. And since we're telling the truth here, I'm not even her fiance, I'm just a friend. She made the whole thing up to keep you from weaselling your way into her life. So if you have any love at all for Lily, you'd be the one that walks away. Not me.

(Arlene walks away.)

[Scene: Outside a Tavern. Jordan and Woody pull up in the Cadillac.]

WOODY: I don't know about you but I'm having the time of my life. I haven't slept in two days, not including that bug spray nap that I took. Stranded in the desert, kidnapped by a freak, electrocuted by that freak.

JORDAN: Come on, come on. It hasn't been all that bad, has it?

WOODY: All right, just for the record, I did not make the first move.

JORDAN: Hey, nobody's accusing you of anything.

WOODY: Good, 'cause I just want to get all of our cards on the table.

JORDAN: Why? It was just a kiss. It's no big deal.

WOODY: Fine then. We'll just pretend like it never happened.

JORDAN: But it did.

(Woody gets out of the car.)

WOODY: You'd better make up your mind.

(Cole and two men pull up beside them. They get out of the car.)

JORDAN: Hi, Cole.

WOODY: We got a problem here?

COLE: My wife's dead and you come here dragging her name through the mud. Yeah, we got a problem. I think it's time you two go back to Boston.

WOODY: We're investigating a homicide so we'll go back when we're ready to go back.

COLE: I think I'll have to do this the old fashioned way, huh?

WOODY: Cole, we're not looking for a fight.

(They attack Woody and he fights back. Jordan gets out a gun. A gun shot is heard and they stop fighting. Bob arrives carrying a rifle.)

BOB: Go on. Get out of here. (Cole and his friends drive off.) I checked out your story with my superiors at HQ. You're on the level. Most of your folks around here have no idea we can co-exist with your species. They think you're all like that mutant who was in here earlier last week.

JORDAN: This mutant, was he pretending to be a private eye?

BOB: Had the fake ID and everything.

WOODY: You saw him?

BOB: Drove by my place the day before yesterday. Problem is that road ends about six miles down. He never came back.

[Time lapse. Jordan, Woody and Bob pull up near a burnt car.]

WOODY: Well, I guess we found him.

(They go over to the car and find a body inside.)

JORDAN: Looks like he had company. This man didn't die in the fire, he's been shot.

WOODY: Back of the head, never saw it coming. You didn't happen to see anyone else come down here with him, did you?

BOB: You mean besides the Sheriff?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Outside Peter's House. Garret rings the doorbell. Peter opens the door.]

PETER: Garret, glad you could make it.

(Garret walks inside and Peter closes the door. Garret hands him an envelope. He starts to open it.)

GARRET: No, not yet.

PETER: Well, how mysterious. Can I get you something to drink?

GARRET: Glass of water.

PETER: So I have to admit, I'm a little nervous.

GARRET: Why's that?

PETER: You've come over here to discuss what I've done. You're the first one to know about it. You spend as much time as I did trying to pull up something big like this, well, you know how that is. (He fills a glass of water from the tap and hands it to Garret.) There's ice in the freezer if you want it.

(Garret goes to the freezer and gets some ice out.)

GARRET: You can open the envelope now.

(He does so.)

PETER: What is it?

GARRET: It's the ending of your book.

PETER: "As the man stood there reading the final paragraph, he couldn't help but feel relieved that the game was over. Although he assumed he could fool his old hero, he was in fact no match for the chief ME. In the end it required a mere phone call to dismantle the entire charade. The man's wife was as it turned out live and well living with her new husband and four year old son in the suburb of D'More. She never looked back after walking away from her failed marriage. She'd been so neglected by his obsession, his passion, his only true love. A novel, which in the end wouldn't be more than mediocre.

GARRET: Turn it over, there's more.

PETER: The chief ME turned and walked towards the door, stopped and looked back, perhaps feeling a tinge of jealousy. The man had in the end followed his place and something that he himself was not brave enough to do. For this he was a no small part grateful.

(Garret leaves.)

[Scene: Rooftop. Lily is there. Arlene walks up to her.]

ARLENE: Don't ask me to apologise. It's not my repertoire.

LILY: I can't let you hurt me anymore, mum. I'm too old for this.

ARLENE: You used to have nightmares when you were little. I could always tells because you talked in your sleep. As close as I could tell you were always running from something, someone. But you'd always wake up in the morning happy as a clam. You didn't need me at all. Come to think of it, you never have. I'm gonna go to Florida. I'm gonna stay with your Aunt Edna for a while.

LILY: Mum.

ARLENE: Listen, about you and Bug.

LILY: Oh, I should explain it...

ARLENE: No. There are two things I know a lot about in life. One is men...

LILY, ARLENE: And the other is men.

ARLENE: You have yourself a good one, Lily. He loves you. And that's no small thing.

LILY: Bye.

(They hug.)

[Scene: Outside the Sheriff's House. Jordan and Woody pull up.]

JORDAN: Don't you think we ought to call for some kind of back up?

WOODY: Jordan, I am the back up. (He gets out of the car.) Stay here.

JORDAN: And exactly what in our past would give you any indication that I would do that?

(Woody walks up to the door.)

WOODY: Sheriff? (He opens the door and walks in.) Sheriff? Anybody home?

(He walks into the bedroom and sees satin sheets on the bed, video tapes and a video camera. The Sheriff walks up behind him and points a gun to his back.)

SHERIFF: You say you just drop that weapon.

WOODY: I see you've got yourself a nice little hobby.

SHERIFF: Well, side business. Day job doesn't pay all that well.

WOODY: Yeah, I guess a half a million extra would come in handy.

SHERIFF: They wouldn't have missed it.

WOODY: That's the part I don't understand. The studio hadn't paid the blackmail yet. Why'd you kill Shirley? She was your meal ticket.

SHERIFF: I didn't.

WOODY: You lost me. (Jordan comes up behind the Sheriff and hits him over the head with a shovel. He falls to the floor.) I told you to wait in the car. He was just about to tell me what happened.

JORDAN: You're welcome.

WOODY: This guy's gonna be out cold for a week. (Jordan's phone rings.) Now we're never gonna know who killed Shirley.

(Jordan answers her phone.)

JORDAN: Cavanaugh.

NIGEL: Jordan, I ran a Gas Chromatograph screen on it.

JORDAN: Nigel, what the hell are you talking about?

NIGEL: The crap under her fingernails. It turns out it's exactly what it is. Crap. Chicken crap to be precise. Any of this help you?

[Scene: Outside Luann's House. Luann is on the porch shaving her father's face. Jordan and Woody pull up. Jordan gets out of the car.]

JORDAN: Wasn't fair, was it? You could've been the one who got out. Did something with your life. But it was her. It was always her. You killed her out of jealousy.

(Luann doesn't say a word and continues to shave her father.)

[Scene: Bar. Bug is sitting at a table. Lily joins him.]

LILY: She left. Mum.

BUG: Well, that's good news, right? I mean, that's what you wanted.

LILY: I guess. Thank you for letting me drag you through this mess. Those things that you said last night. You were the perfect fiance.

BUG: That was the idea, wasn't it?

LILY: I kind of feel like dancing. You feel like dancing?

(They go over to the dance floor and slow dance.)

[Scene: ME's Office. Garret's Office. Garret gets out his old typewriter and starts his book.]

[Scene: Hollywood. Woody is sitting on the ground. Jordan joins him.]

JORDAN: What are you thinking about?

WOODY: Me? Nothing.

JORDAN: Nothing? You're not thinking about Shirley McGinty?

WOODY: Of course.

JORDAN: All right, what are you really thinking about?

WOODY: It wasn't just a kiss, Jordan.

JORDAN: Oh, would you give it up? Okay, I swear on a stack of bibles I will never come onto you again.

WOODY: That's not where I'm going with this. I've been thinking about it.

JORDAN: Oh, have you now?

WOODY: Yes, and I can't think of a single good reason why we should completely rule it out.

JORDAN: Really? 'Cause, you know, I could think of plenty.

WOODY: Like what?

JORDAN: I guess my point is, maybe we should just put up the wall right now before either of us gets hurt.

WOODY: Okay. All right. Fair enough. That's a good reason. It's a rational decision. I can get behind that.

JORDAN: Good.

WOODY: Good. Well, let's just say that were our final decision. Maybe it'd be a good idea to get one for the road. Just say out of curiosity.

JORDAN: Probably smart.

(They kiss and Jordan puts her head on his shoulder.)

END