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TRANSCRIPT:
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(Theme music plays.)

Narrator: England, November, 1487.  The battle between the Church and the Crown continues to rage and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying.

(The scene starts with the Duke lying in bed, the Archbishop is on one side of him and the King is on the other, there are others in the room, watching on.)

Duke:  Dying, my lords, am I dying?

Archbishop:  Never!

King:  Never!

Archbishop:  And yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours until your recovery let us imagine you yourself were to pass away, to whom would you leave your lands?

(The Duke has been twitching, he finally stops. He looks at both the Archbishop and the King as they pull out wills for him to sign.)

King:  Why, to me, or course.

(The King pushes his will closer to the Duke.)

Duke:  Yes, to my beloved king.

(He goes to sign the will.)

Archbishop:  I hope then your filthy soul is prepared for hell, my son.

Duke:  Hell?

Archbishop:  Yes, hell, where Satan belches fire and enormous devils break wind both night and day.

Duke:  Alas.

Archbishop:  Hell, where your mind is never free from the torments of remorse and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks.

Duke:  No, spare me the little forks!

(The Duke puts his hands out towards the Archbishops will.)

King:  What is this nonsense?

Archbishop:  Hell, where the softest bits from your nether regions are everyone else’s favourite lunch.

(The Duke suddenly looks in great pain.)

Duke:  Alas! Argh! Forgive me, noble sire, I will change my will and leave my lands to the Church!

(The Duke signs the Archbishops will.)

King:  What?

Archbishop:  Blessed be thy stainless soul.

King:  You will change your mind later, I know it.

(The Duke suddenly dies.)

Archbishop:  I think not.

(The King is furious.)

(Scene change - The Great Hall - Edmund and the Duke of Northumberland, Percy are talking by a large window.  Baldrick, Edmunds servants enters.)

Edmund:  Ah, Baldrick, what news?

Baldrick:  Well, my lord, an informed source tells me that the Duchess of Glouster has given birth to twin goblins.

Edmund:  No, no, no. About the Duke of Winchester.

Baldrick:  Oh, he’s still hanging on.

Percy:  He must be on his last legs by now, my lord.

Edmund:  Tssk, how many sets of legs has the man got? Really, I wish he’s make up his mind, either he dies, or he lives forever.  It’s this shilly-shallying that’s so undignified.

(A messenger enters the room.)

Messenger:  My lord, I come with tragic news.

Edmund:  What, died at last, has he?

Messenger:  Who, my lord?

Edmund:  Oh I see. Now the idea is that you ask me what the message is before you tell it to me. Quite brilliant, I must say.  I was referring to the Duke of Winchester.

Messenger:  Who, my lord?

Edmund:  Right, now let’s try and sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we? Someone has died, yes?

Messenger:  Yes, my lord.

Edmund:  Who is it that has died?

Messenger:  The Archbishop of Canterbury, my lord.

Edmund:  Are you a cretin?

Messenger:  Yes, my lord.

Edmund:  Oh, dear. The Archbishop of Canterbury, eh? The king has done it again. That’s the third this year. How did this one die?

Messenger:  Horribly, my lord.

Edmund:  Any details?

Messenger:  Ah, no, horribly was all I was given.

Edmund:  Ah!

(Prince Harry enters the room.)

Messenger:  My lord, I come with tragic news…

Prince Harry:  I’ve heard it, will you go away! Edmund, the Archbishop of Canterbury has met with a most tragic accident and there seems to be some confusion but I think I’ve fathomed out how it came about.

Edmund:  Yes, I think I’ve got a pretty shrewd idea myself.

Prince Harry:  Apparently, Archbishop Godfrey has just come out of the Duke of Winchester’s room…

Edmund:  Who had just died leaving all his lands to the Church?

Prince Harry:  Well, as a matter of fact yes.

Edmund:  And so the king was really out for his blood presumably.

Prince Harry:  I dare say. Anyway the point is at that moment Sir Travis Mortimer…

Edmund:  The king’s hired killer?

Prince Harry:  No, no. Mortimer, that tall, rather striking fellow with no ears.

Edmund:  Yes, that’s him.

Prince Harry:  Well, he came round the corner, saw the archbishop, rushed towards him with his head bowed in order to receive his blessing…and unfortunately killed him stone dead.

Edmund:  How?

Prince Harry:  Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet.

Edmund:  One of those things with a two foot spike coming out of the top?

Prince Harry:  Yes, the ones they normally use for butting their enemies in the stomach and killing them stone dead.

Edmund:  Presumably he had forgotten he was wearing it?

Prince Harry:  Yes, that’s right.  A tragic accident.

Edmund:  Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head.

Prince Harry:  Yes, or Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards on to the spire of Norwich Cathedral. The lord works in mysterious ways, I just don’t know how I’m going to break it to the catamite.

(The only person who looks concerned about these stories is Percy.)

Percy:  What a tragic accident, my lord.

Edmund (To himself.):  Accident, my codlings.

(Scene change - The Great Hall - The large hall is empty except for Edmund, Percy and Edmund’s servant Baldrick.  They are all sitting around the great fireplace, which is lit.)

Percy:  Who do you think will take over?

Edmund:  Oh, it will be one of those bishop fellows, I should imagine.  They tend to go for religious types.

Baldrick:  Yes, rumour has it , my lord, that the king wants to choose Prince Harry.

Edmund:  Oh, really.

Baldrick:  Prince Harry, Archbishop, my lord.

Edmund:  Good lord! Prince Harry, Archbishop , and we all know what happens to Archbishops, don’t we?

Percy:  Yes, they go to Canterbury.

Edmund:  No, you fool, I mean…

(Edmund raises his hand to his throat and runs it from one side to another, he is making the gesture of slitting a throat.)

Percy:  Oh, yes!

(Percy makes the same gesture, they all burst into laughter.)

Edmund:  Are you sure about your source, Baldrick?

Baldrick:  Yes, it was Jane Smart, she was the one who told me about the Duke and Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt.

Edmund:  Well, with Harry gone, the Blackadder will be king next.

(They all laugh again and all of them pretend to slit their throats.)

Edmund:  Today could be one of the most important days of my life. I want my most splendid garments for the ceremony.

Percy:  Certainly, my lord. Hat, my lord?

Edmund:  The Trojan, I think.

Percy:  Boots, my lord?

Edmund:  The Italian.

Percy:  And codpiece, my lord?

Edmund:  Let’s go for the Black Russian, shall we? It always terrifies the clergy.

(They all laugh again.)

(Scene change - The Great Hall - The room is filled with people, they are lined on both sides of the room, there is a path cleared up the middle which leads to the thrones.  Everyone is waiting for the announcement of the new Archbishop.  Edmund is in the front row of the crowd on one side, he is dressed all in black as usual, he has a helmet on and it has feathers in it.  A chain runs from the long toes of his boots to his knees, and he had a very large, pointed codpiece on.)

Edmund:  Any further rumours, Baldrick?

Baldrick:  Not really, my lord. Apparently Lord Wilders is keeping a sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no.

Edmund:  Fair enough.

(A passing bishop looks at Edmunds codpiece and faints, just then the Queen approaches Edmund.)

Queen:  Why are you dressed like this, Edmund?

Edmund:  Like what?

Queen:  Well, this enormous nonsense here.

(She pokes the codpiece, we hear it boing.  Suddenly the trumpeters start playing and the king enters the room.)

Edmund:  Ah, fingers crossed.

King:  Members of the court and clergy, I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God, his son Jesus Christ and his insubstantial friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. May  he lasts longer in his post than his predecessors.

Edmund:  Fat Chance.

King:  I appoint to the Holy Seal of Canterbury my own son…

(More trumpeting.)

King:  Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh.

(Edmund is really panicking now.)

Edmund:  Agh!!

King:  Archbishop, we salute thee.

(The crowd kneels.  Percy goes to shake Edmunds hand.)

Percy:  Congratulations, my lord.

(Edmund makes Percy kneel, he then tries desperately to find something to cover his codpiece, in the end he grabs a nearby bishops hat.)

(Scene change - The Great Hall - Prince Harry and the King are arm wrestling over a stool.)

King:  Keep going! Keep going! Use both hands if you want to. Very good. Well done, Harry.

(Someone knocks on the door.)

Prince Harry:  Excuse me.

King:  Enter.

(Edmund, now dressed in his normal clothes, enters the room.)

Edmund:  Your Majesty

King:  Ah, my Lord Archbishop.

Edmund:  Yes. There were just a couple of points about my appointment before things are really firmed up.

King:  Yes?

Edmund:  Well, firstly, could I…

King:  No, you couldn’t.

Edmund:  Secondly, I was wondering…

King:  Don’t misunderstand this appointment, Egbert. I have always despised you.

Edmund:  Well, you are my father, of course. I mean you’re biased.

King:  You, compared to your beloved brother Harry, are as excrement is compared to cream.

Prince Harry:  My lord, you flatter me.

Edmund:  And me also, my lord.

King:  So now, my boy, when I have at last found a use for you, don’t try to get out of it.

Edmund:  Oh, no, my lord. Certainly not, no. I just wondered whether perhaps another man, equally weak-willed and feeble, might do just as well.

King:  Ha! There is no such man.

Edmund:  No, of course not, silly me. I thought perhaps someone who believed in God…

King:  No, no, no. If I needed someone who believed in God, I’d have chosen Harry…not an embarrassing little weed like you.

Edmund:  Oh, well, I think that’s everything cleared up then. Goodness, almost time for evensong, must be going.

King:  Egbert, come here.

(The king entices Edmund to come closer, he grabs him by the throat.)

King:  Archbishop. A word of advice. If you cross me, now or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites, understand?

(The king lets him go.)

Edmund:  Good, good. I shall make myself available for all eventualities. Thank you so much.

(Edmund leaves the room and rested against the wall of the corridor, he is really scared.)

Edmund:  Flee!

(Scene change - The Courtyard - Morning - Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are sitting on a loaded cart, they are about to escape.)

Edmund:  We’ve got the thumb screws, the foot crusher, the nose hooks, those long rods…Where’s the dwarf?

(From under the cloth from the back of the cart we hear a small voice.)

Dwarf:  Here, my lord.

Edmund:  Right, let’s go.

(They start to move, they only get around the corner, the king and his hired killer Lord Chiswick and Prince Harry are waiting there.)

King:  Archbishop!

Edmund:  Ah! Hail!

King:  Going somewhere?

Edmund:  Ahm…yyyes.

King:  Where?

Edmund:  Canterbury.

King:  Good. Prince Harry here will accompany you. I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture.

Edmund:  Well, yes.

King:  Chiswick, fresh horses!

(Percy speaks with a look of confusion on his face.)

Percy:  My lord, if we are going to catch the boat to France, we’ll have to hurry.

Prince Harry:  The boat to France?

Edmund:  Ahm…you off to France Percy?

Percy:  I though we all were.

Edmund:  No, Harry an I are off to Canterbury aren’t we Harry?

Percy:  Oh, I see. You’ve changed your plan

Edmund:  No, no, not really. The only change is, perhaps, Percy, if you could go and put your face in some manure and then follow along at a reasonable distance. That will be fine.

(Scene change - A Country Road - Edmund, Prince Harry, Percy and Baldrick are all on their way to Canterbury.)

Prince Harry:  And another thing. What Bothers me, your Grace, is suppose my right hand offends me and I cut it off, what happens if my left hand offends me as well, I mean what do I cut it off with?

Edmund:  Yes. That is a knotty one.

(The group pass two men working by the side of the road, the men look up and watch them pass.)

Cain:  Who was that?

Abel:  I don’t know, but that tall fellow had a face full of manure.

Cain:  That’s what I call style.

(Scene change - Canterbury Cathedral - At the altar kneels Edmund dressed in ceremonial clothes, a bishop is in front of him and the King is nearby sitting on a throne.)

Bishop:  Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God and Father…

(Edmund opens his mouth to answer but then stops, the Bishop continues.)

Bishop:  God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost?

(Edmund looks at the King, he nods his approval.)

Edmund:  Ahm. Yes.

Bishop:  I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of all England.

(The ceremony finishes, the music plays, Edmund sneezes as the incense burner goes past, he wipes his nose on the robes of the bishop.  Next we see Edmund, Percy and Baldrick walking down the aisle, Edmund is swinging an incense burner, people close by are coughing, some fall over, he then accidentally lets go and it flies off, he looks scared.)

(Scene change - The Cathedral - Edmund and Baldrick are walking through the cloisters. Edmund is wearing a purple robe and Baldrick is dressed like a monk.)

Edmund:  Tell me, Brother Baldrick, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?

Baldrick:  I’m not sure, my lord. Though it is hard to imagine is was anything worse than what they did to each other.

Edmund:  Mmm.

(Edmund walks around the corner and straight into a knight, Edmund is scared because he is wearing a pointed hat.)

Edmund:  Oh my God!

(Slowly the messenger reaches for what Edmund thinks is a sword but is actually a scroll, Edmund takes it and reads it.)

Edmund:  This is it. Baldrick, get the Bishop of Ramsgate.

Baldrick:  Who?

Edmund:  Percy, get Percy. My life is hanging by a thread.

(Scene change - Lord Graveney’s Bedroom - A old man, Lord Graveney is dying in bed, a bishop is leaning over him, he is holding a will.)

Graveney:  And if I don’t leave my lands to the Church, then what?

Bishop:  Then Lord Graveney, you will surely go to hell!

Graveney:  Alas!

Bishop:  Hell, where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds!

Graveney:  No! No! Argh! I place my lands in the hands of the Church, and so bid the world farewell.

(He dies.  Suddenly the King bursts into the room.)

King:  What!  The Archbishop not yet arrived?

Bishop:  No, my lord, and even if he does arrive…

(Edmund bursts in.)

Edmund:  Wait!

Bishop:  Too late!

Edmund:  Get out of my way.

King:  I’ll kill the pair of you. I’ll abolish the Church!

Edmund:  My lord, my lord!

(Edmund shakes Lord Graveney violently.)

Edmund:  I said…out!

(Baldrick enters and pushes the Bishop out of the room.  Edmund starts hitting Lord Graveney repeatedly.)

Edmund:  My lord, my lord.  Wake up!  Wake up!

(Lord Graveney is alive, he opens his eyes.)

Graveney:  Am I in paradise?

Edmund:  Phew! No, not yet.

Graveney:  Then this must he hell! Alas spare my posterior!

Edmund:  No, no, you’re all right.  It’s England.

Graveney:  And you are not Satan!

Edmund:  No, I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Graveney:  Oh your Grace!  I have left all my lands to the Church.  Am I to be saved?

King:  No, you treacherous swine!  I’ll kill you.

(Edmund holds his hands up to the king in an effort to keep him quite.  He turns his attention to Graveney.)

Edmund:  No, wait!  Let’s just deal with this in stages, shall we?  You see…the Church you know, it doesn’t really need your land.

King:  No!  What it needs is a damn good thrashing.

Graveney:  But if I do not gain its blessing, I will surely go to hell!

(Suddenly the bishop enters the room.)

Bishop:  Yes, hell, where tiny tweezers…

King:  Get out!

(Baldrick throws the Bishop out again.)

Edmund:  Someone like you go to hell?  Never, Never!

Graveney:  But I have committed many sins!

Edmund:  Haven’t we all, haven’t we all!

Graveney:  I murdered my father.

(The Bishop opens the door.)

Bishop:  Alas!

(Percy and Baldrick slam the door shut.  Edmund leans in close to Graveney.)

Edmund:  I know how you feel.

King:  Hurry up, Edgar!

Graveney:  And I have committed adultery…

Edmund:  Ha!  Who hasn’t?

Graveney:  More than a thousand times?

Edmund:  Well, it’s 1487 after all!

Graveney:  …with my mother!

Edmund:  Ah.

(Everyone in the room looks shocked.)

Graveney:  You see, I will go to hell!

(The Bishop opens the door again.)

Bishop:  Hell, where growths like the turnips sprout from your nose and ears.

King:  Kill that Bishop!

(Baldrick and Percy tackle the Bishop bringing him down to the floor and then Baldrick knocks him out with a cross.)

Edmund:  Um, well, let’s take hell.  You know, it isn’t as bad as it’s cracked up to be.

Graveney:  What?

Edmund:  You see, the thing is, heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in heaven.  Like, well, singing, talking to God, and watering pot plants.  While hell, on the other hand, is for people who prefer, well, you know the other sort of things, adultery, pillage, torture, those…areas.

Graveney:  Really?

Edmund:  Yes, leave your lands to the Crown and once you’re dead you’ll have the time of your life.

Graveney:  Adultery, pillage…for all eternity?

Edmund:  Yup.

(The Bishop starts to awaken.)

Bishop:  And the smacking of large sticks against your tender portions.

(Percy and Baldrick jump on him again, beating and kicking him.)

Graveney:  Very well…I leave my lands to the Crown.

(Lord Graveney signs the Kings will.)

Graveney:  And my soul in the hands of the Lord, may he treat me like the piece of refuse that I am and send me to hell where I belong.

King:  Amen.

Edmund:  Amen, you’re a very lucky man, I wish I could be coming with you, but, being Archbishop…

Graveney:  I’m sorry.

Edmund:  No, no, that’s all right.

Graveney:  Ah!

(Finally Lord Graveney dies.  The King is overjoyed, he waves the will around in the air.)

King:  Mr son!

Edmund:  Father!

(The King kneels before Edmund, his son pats him on the head.)

King:  Father!

Edmund:  My son!

(Scene change - The Countryside - We see the two working men beside the road again, they watch two knights ride past splashing mud on them.)

Cain:  Who’s that?

Abel:  Looks like the sort of pair who’d kill the Archbishop of Canterbury to me.

Cain:  Tssk.  Typical.

(Scene change - The Great Hall - The Queen is quietly eating, alone.  We suddenly hear sword fighting from outside, the King and Prince Harry burst in Fighting.  The Prince falls onto the table.)

King:  You Turkish pig! You Turkish dog!

Prince Harry:  Father!  Father!  It’s me!

(The King releases Prince Harry.)

King:  It’s all right, my boy, you’re improving.

Prince Harry:  Thank you Father, goodnight Mother.

King:  He’s gaining on me!  He’s gaining on me!

Queen:  How was Edmund?

King:  Oh well, well, well.  Chiswick, fresh horse!

Queen:  And how are his dear little sheep?

King:  Whose sheep?

Queen:  Edmund’s sheep.

(A servant brings the King the cooked hind quarters of a horse on a platter, and sets it in front of him.)

King:  What sheep?

Queen:  Well, the ones in Canterbury.  His flock that he was talking about.

King:  Oh, my God.

(Scene change - Nearby the two knights are approaching the castle.)

(Scene change -  The King and Queen are still in the Great Hall.)

Queen:  I can’t understand it.  Edmund doesn’t even like religion.

King:  But that’s impossible.  He’s the Archbishop of Canterbury!

Queen:  Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font.

King:  Well, that was a long time ago.

Queen:  It was last Thursday.

King:  Ha ha ha!

(Scene change - The knights have made it to the castle, they burst through the main door and take their cloaks off, they start drinking.)

(Scene change - The great Hall.)

King:  Well, the boy’s turned out well! 

(He clinks his glass against the Queens, shattering hers completely.)

King:  A long and healthy life to him!  Ah!  I thank God that in my lifetime never again shall I have to say ‘Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?’

(Scene change - The drunken knights are almost to the Great Hall now.)

(Scene change - The Great Hall.)

Queen:  What is that?

King:  Something me ancestor, Henry II, once said, when he was having trouble with Thomas a Becket, he was sitting at a table…like this with these two drunken knights, and yelled out…’Who will rid me of this turbulent priest!’

Queen:  What?

King:  God save us.  I said…

(The knights have made it to the Great Hall and can hear what the King is saying.)

King:  …’Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?’

Queen:  Meaning who?

King:  The Archbishop of Canterbury, or course.

(The knights hear this and start to leave the castle in search of the Archbishop.)

Queen:  And then what happened?

King:  Well, they went straight off and killed him, or course.

(Scene change - The two knights ride off out of the castle gates.)

(Scene change - Edmund’s room in the Cathedral - Edmund, Percy and Baldrick all happily enter the room.)

Edmund:  Right, now, let’s get down to business shall we?

Percy:  Business, my lord?

Edmund:  Yes, Baldrick has been looking at some of the ways we can actually make a bit of money in this job.

Baldrick:  Well, my lord…there seems to be four major profit areas.  Curses, pardons, relics and selling the sexual favours of nuns.

Edmund:  Selling the sexual favours of nuns…do some people actually pay?

Baldrick:  Well, foreign businessmen, other nuns, you know.

Edmund:  Let’s start with pardons, shall we?

Baldrick:  Well, here’s a fair selection.

(He lifts a piece of paper up and starts reading.)

Baldrick:  Basically you get what you pay for.  It runs from this one which is a pardon for talking with your mouth full, signed my an apprentice curate in Tewkesbury.

Edmund:  How much is that?

Baldrick:  Two pebbles.  All the way up to this one, which is a pardon for anything whatsoever, including ‘murder, adultery or dismemberment of a close friend or relative’.

Edmund:  And who’s that signed by?

Baldrick:  Both popes.  Curses are pretty much the same really.  I bought this one for half an egg.

(He passes the paper to Edmund.)

Edmund:  Aha.  ‘Dear Enemy, I curse you and hope that something quite unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head.’

Baldrick:  That’s the lower end of the market, you can get a real belter for four ducats.

(He gives Edmund another piece of paper.)

Edmund:  ‘Dear Enemy, may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue. May your head fall off at an awkward moment.’

Percy:  Does this work?

Baldrick:  Yes.

Percy:  Really?

Edmund:  Really?

Baldrick:  No.

(Scene change - The knights are excitingly speeding towards the Cathedral.)

(Scene change - Edmund’s Cathedral Room.)

Baldrick:  Moving on to the relics, we’ve got shrouds from Turin, wine from the wedding at Cana, splinters from the true Cross…then of course there’s all the stuff made by Jesus in his days in the carpentry shop.  Pipe racks, coffee tables, cake stands, book ends, crucifixes, nice cheese board, waterproof sandals, fruit bowls, oh I haven’t finished this one yet.

Percy:  But this is disgraceful, my lord, all of these are obviously fake!

Edmund:  Yes.

Percy:  How will people be able to distinguish between these and real relics?

Edmund:  They won’t, that’s the point.

Percy:  Yes, well you won’t be able to fool everyone.  Look, I have a true relic.

(Percy pulls out a wooden box.)

Edmund:  What is it?

Percy:  A bone from the finger of our lord.  It cost me thirty-one pieces of silver.

Edmund:  Good lord, is it real?

Percy:  It is my lord.  Your stand amazed, Baldrick.

Baldrick:  I am.  I thought they only came in boxes of ten.  I could have let you have one for a couple of groats.  Fingers are very big at the moment.

Percy:  What?

Baldrick:  Mind you, for a quick sale you can’t beat a good nose.  Here’s the sacred appendage compendium party pack.

(Baldrick opens some more boxes and Percy is amazed and disgusted.)

Baldrick:  Here’s Jesus’ nose, St Peter’s nose, a couple of St Francis’s and a box of…

(He opens another box which has a pair of breasts in it.)

Baldrick:  …Oh, no, those are Joan of Arc’s.

Percy:  That bastard verger!  I’ll show him!  I’ll show him!

(Scene change - The corridor outside Edmund’s room.)

Percy (From inside the room.):  I’ll show him!

(He opens the door and comes face to face with the two drunken knights, their swords are drawn.)

Percy:  Good evening.

De Boeuf and De Boinod:  Hail!

Percy:  And what can I do for you?

De Boinod:  We are here to murder the Archbishop of Canterbury.

De Boeuf:  We’re his enemies.  We fear he may be in danger.

Percy:  Really?  How?

De Boeuf:  Well, I mean…let’s see…perhaps good King Richard, angry with the Archbishop for some reason, might well send two drunken knights, freshly returned from the Crusades on a mission to wreak vengeance on him.

Percy:  Good point, it’s happened before.  By the way, I didn’t quite catch your names?

De Boinod:  We are George de Boeuf and Justin de Boinod, two drunken knights  freshly returned from the Crusades and here on a mission for good King Richard.  God bless us.

Percy:  Your mission?

De Boinod:  Well, as I said, we’re here to kill…

De Boeuf:  A bit of time until the next Crusade.

De Boinod:  Yes.

Percy:  Oh, fine, well, I’ll go and get him.

(The two knights lift their swords in preparation, when Baldrick peeks around the door, they lower them quickly.)

Percy:  Ah, Baldrick.

Baldrick:  Yes?

(He looks at the knights with horror.)

Percy:  Two knights here, to see the Archbishop.

Baldrick:  Oh my God!

(Scene change - Inside Edmund’s Cathedral Room.)

Baldrick:  My lord, I’ve got something to say that’s going to shock you.

Edmund:  if it’s about the nuns of Uppingham and the candelabra, don’t bother, I’ve already heard.

Baldrick:  No, my lord.  The fact is, there are two men outside who’ve come to kill you.

Edmund:  What?

(Scene change - The corridor.)

Percy:  I’m terribly sorry about this.  I’ll just see what the delay is.

(Percy enters Edmunds room.)

(Scene change - Edmund’s Room.)

Percy:  What’s going on?

Baldrick:  Those men outside, they’re here to kill us.

Percy:  Oh, come on!  Honestly, Baldrick! Just because a couple of people obviously have a bit of breeding, you assume they’re bound to be mindless killers.

(The knights starts banging on the door.)

De Boeuf and De Boinod:  Prepare for death, heretics!

(Edmund starts to panic.)

Edmund:  Oh my God! There’s no way out!  Oh, God!  Help me!

(Edmund grabs a cross and suddenly a secret door opens in the wall, he looks surprised.)

Edmund:  Good lord!

Baldrick:  Quick!

(Edmund, Percy and Baldrick rush through the door, it shuts just as the knights burst through the door to Edmund’s bedroom. They see a bed with a obvious lump underneath the covers.)

De Boeuf:  Sssh! They’ve dozed off.

(Both knight creep up to the bed and then start to beat the bed, suddenly they realise that it is just bed sheets underneath.)

De Boinod:  They’ve gone down the secret passage to the nunnery!

(The knights pull on the cross and enter the secret passageway.)

(Scene change - The Nun’s Dormitory - The knights enter the dormitory and find that the men are not there, there are only three nuns preying.)

De Boinod:  Sister!  Three men came in, which way did they go?

Edmund (As nun.):  They went that way…

(The knight go to leave and then stop.)

De Boeuf:  Wait a second!  They’ll be watching out for us dressed like this.  Quick, in here.

(The Knights go into a small cubical, when they emerge they are also dressed as nuns, they meet Edmund, Percy and Baldrick (also dressed as nuns).)

Baldrick:  Have you sisters pray seen two burly knights pass this way?

De Boinod:  No sister, more’s the pity.

De Boeuf:  Why don’t you try that way?

Percy (In his normal voice.):  Thank you.

De Boinod (In his normal voice):  You’re welcome.

(They all turn to walk away until it suddenly dawns on them all who are in the disguises, they all draw their weapons and start to fight.)

(Scene change - A real Mother Superior and a nun are walking towards the dormitory.)

Sara:  And yet, Mother Superior, does not St Paul say in the Ephesians, ‘a woman is like a bat, often heard, but never seen’.

Mother Superior:  No, I don’t think so Sara.  Shall we check the dormitory?

Sara:  Oh yes, Mother Superior, what a good idea.

(Scene change - They open the doors to see the knights and Edmund and his friends dressed as nuns fighting with swords, trying to kill each other.)

Mother Superior:  Girls, girls!  If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.  Fighting in the dormitory is completely forbidden.  Who’s the ringleader here?  Yes, yes, you, the plain girl.

(She pulls the habit off the nearest nun, which just happens to be Edmund.)

Mother Superior:  Oh my God.  It’s…the Archbishop of Canterbury.

(The other nun pulls the habit of another nun.)

Sara:  And a man…aaahh!

Edmund:  Ah yes.  Look I think I can explain.

(Scene change - The Dormitory - Edmund is bent over a desk and is being gently whipped by the nun.)

Edmund:  And that sweet lady is the whole story.

Mother Superior:  Let us just go over the facts again.  Having been appointed archbishop, you found that all your interest lay in the beauty of your vestments.

Edmund:  Alas, the fine embroidery.

Mother Superior:  And unable to resist the slide into depravity, you began to dress up in the habit of a nun.

Edmund:  I couldn’t resist the texture of the hessian under things.

Mother Superior:  Oh, I can understand that, but than you forced the bishop of Ramsgate and one Brother Baldrick to do so also.

Edmund:  May I be cursed for it!

Mother Superior:  And finally you got two knights drunk and invited them to come and wrestle with you inside the nunnery in a orgy of heathen perversity.

Edmund:  That’s right, yes.

Mother Superior:  This shameful tale bears the unmistakable ring of truth.  And I must therefore tell you that this morning I have written urgently to all three popes recommending your immediate excommunication.  Never more may you be Archbishop of Canterbury.

Edmund:  Oh dear.

Mother Superior:  That’s enough, Sister Sara. I think he’s learnt his lesson.

(The nun stops whipping him.)

Mother Superior:  Go sinner and meet thy doom.

(A doorway opens on it’s own and Edmund starts to walk down the long corridor beyond it.)

(Scene change - The Nuns Dormitory - The Mother Superior is talking to the young nun.)

Mother Superior:  Alas, the corruption of the world.

Sara:  Yes alas, Mother Superior.

Mother Superior:  I am tired and weary.  You may leave me now.

Sara:  Very well.

Mother Superior:  Alas.

Sara:  So presumably you won’t be needing the unicorn tonight?

Mother Superior:  No, Sara.  No, not tonight.

(Theme music plays.)

== THE BLACK ADDER ==
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