The Mary Tyler Moore Show "CHUCKLES BITES THE DUST" By David Lloyd CAST Mary Richards Mary Tyler Moore Lou Grant Edward Asner Ted Baxter Ted Knight Murray Slaughter Gavin MacLeod Georgette Franklin Georgia Engel Sue Ann Nivens Betty White Reverend Burke John Harkins Louise Thomas Helen Kleeb SETS Newsroom Mary's Living Room Lou's Office Mortuary Chapel Small Area off Chapel ACT ONE FADE IN Autumn in Minneapolis. INT. NEWSROOM - DAY Murray is at desk. Mary is returning from teletype carrying tearsheet. MARY Murr, have you noticed anything funny with the teletype machine this morning? I sure hope there's something wrong with it. MURRAY Why? MARY Because if there isn't President Ford just held up a liquor store with a water pistol. Sue Ann sticks her head through the door. SUE ANN Hello, people. MARY Hi, Sue Ann. SUE ANN Mary, I want you to close your eyes. Now, no arguments--close them. MURRAY It's all right, Sue Ann. She's seen you without makeup before. SUE ANN (laughs) Oh Murray, I just hope *my* mind's still active when I'm your age... C'mon, Mary, close them. Mary shrugs and closes her eyes. Sue Ann enters carrying a huge mobile made entirely of food and holds it right in front of Mary. SUE ANN Now you can open your eyes. Mary opens eyes. SUE ANN Well, what do you think? MARY Is it all right if I close them again?... What is it? SUE ANN It's a free-form mobile showing the four basic food groups. I used it for a special I did last week called: "What's All This Fuss About Famine?"... And I thought it would be just the thing to brighten up your new apartment. MARY Oh, Sue Ann, you... shouldn't have. Of course, I'll have to check my lease. I mean, just to make sure there isn't any regulation against... you know, hanging food... SUE ANN I think it would go beautifully in your kitchen--don't you? MARY Well I think the kitchen might be a little too small for it. SUE ANN Well I'm sure you'll find the perfect place for it. (Starts to exit) I know, why don't you put it in your bedroom? I'm sure you must need something in there to relieve the tedium. Sue Ann exists, passing Ted, who enters. TED Hello Sue Ann. Hello Murray. Hello Mary. Mary is on her way to hang the mobile on the hat rack. TED (To mobile) Hello whatever you are. This is Ted Baxter saying: Happy days are here again! MARY Did you make that up, Ted? TED Naw, it's from some song. (Thinking) I forget the name of it. MURRAY And what are you so happy about? TED The circus is in town and they want me. MURRAY That's terrific, Ted. Do you have to bring your own shovel? TED It so happens they want me to ride at the head of the parade. I'm this year's Grand Marshall. It's something I've always wanted. (Bitterly) I should have had it *last* year-- but they gave it to that stupid weather girl from Channel Six. Well it served them right what happened... MURRAY What happened? MARY It... rained on their parade. TED (Still bitter) And the year before that, when they chose that big, dumb basketball player who does the sports on Channel Eight. Made a fool of himself! MURRAY I don't remember that, either. MARY He got in the wrong car. He... squeezed into the little tiny one with all the clowns in it and... wedged them in. They eventually had to take the car apart. It kind of spoiled the effect. MURRAY Gee. It sounds as if the Grand Marshall's job has a history of disaster. TED Yeah, well--this year they've got me. MURRAY I rest my case. TED Ha-ha. You can't bug me, Murr. Nothing can spoil my day now that I'm going to be Grand Marshall of the circus parade. Lou enters from his office on Ted's last line. LOU Forget it, Ted! You aren't. TED (Staggered) W-what, Lou? LOU I said forget it. My anchorman isn't marching down the street with a chimp. It tends to give him an undignified image! TED Lou, please! It *won't* give me an undignified image. LOU (To Ted) I was talking about the chimp. Lou exits and Ted follows him out. TED (O.S.) Lou! DISSOLVE TO: INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Door opens. Mary enters, turns on light and closes door. She is carrying the mobile Sue Ann gave her. She looks for some place to set it down, and the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it. Georgette enters. MARY Georgette, hi, what brings you here? GEORGETTE Ted. He's parking the car. He's looking for a meter that still has some time left on it. Mary continues to look for a place to set mobile down. MARY Would you like some coffee? GEORGETTE Okay. Mary, when Ted gets here you've got to talk to him, he's very upset. MARY About what? GEORGETTE I don't know. He's too upset to talk about it. MARY So what makes you think he'll tell *me* about it? GEORGETTE He will, Mary. He said to me, "I'm not going to burden you with my troubles, because it's just a bore to burden people with your troubles. Let's go see Mary"... Mary, can I ask you a question? MARY Sure GEORGETTE (Indicating mobile) What's this? MARY What's what?... Oh that. It's a gift from Sue Ann. It's a mobile. I'm just trying to find a place for it. GEORGETTE Why don't you put it in a mobile home? (They both laugh) I think it's really beautiful. MARY You do? GEORGETTE Yes, all this food--it looks good enough to--look at. What do you want me to do with it? Doorbell rings. MARY Oh, just put it anywhere. Georgette shrugs and puts it into freezer. Mary is about to open door; Georgette stops her. GEORGETTE Oh, Mary. Whatever it is that's bothering Ted, you'll have to worm it out of him--he never likes to show his true feelings. Mary opens door and Ted enters, smiling. MARY Hi, Ted. TED (Brightly) Hiya, Mary... Face falls and he gives a strangled sob. MARY (Dryly) Something wrong, Ted? TED I never could hide anything from you. All right. I'll tell you. I'm quitting WJM. MARY (Now concerned) Quitting? Ted, why? TED Because I'm not appreciated, that's why. Because after seven years of giving the station the best I had, Lou still treats me like dirt. MARY Oh come on, Ted! TED He treats me like a little child, Mary. He bosses me around as though I were ten years old. MARY Ted that isn't true. He may boss you around but he doesn't think you're a kid. He respects you as a mature adult. TED (Anguished) Then why won't he let me go to the circus? Kettle whistles. Mary crosses to kitchen. TED I mean, it's an honor being asked to be Grand Marshall. A very great honor. (Beat) The Grand Marshall rides ahead of the elephants! MARY Ted, for what it's worth, I think Mr. Grant was unfair about the circus. TED Then why don't you talk to him, Mary. He listens to you. Maybe he'll change his mind. MARY I'm afraid it's a little late for that, Ted. Just before I left the office, I heard the circus had chosen a new Grand Marshall. TED (Resentful) Already. Boy they didn't waste any time did they? Who'd they get to replace me, the Mayor, the Governor? MARY Chuckles the Clown. GEORGETTE Oh. How'd they ever get him? TED (Incredulous) Chuckles? Our Chuckles? A kiddie show host? Grand Marshall of the circus? A clown? Well, I hate to say this but I hope they laugh at him. DISSOLVE TO: INT. NEWSROOM - DAY Ted is on the air. Murray and Mary are watching at their desks. TED (ON THE AIR) (Grimly throughout) ...leaving twenty-eight people condominiumless. Now for the lighter side of the news. A cocker spaniel named Skippy who had been left behind by the Hargrove family when they moved from San Jose, California, two years ago, today showed up at the Hargrove's new home in Westport, Connecticut... (ad lib) Big Deal. And now a word from one of our sponsors... Big deal. MURRAY What's the matter with him? MARY He's still angry with Lou about that circus thing and you know something, Murray? I don't blame him. MURRAY Aw Mair! You're gonna be reasonable now, aren't you? You're going to be fair, and look at both sides of things, and see Ted's point of view. If you're in *that* kind of mood I don't even want to talk to you! MARY I mean it. Do you know how close Ted came to quitting his job over this? MURRAY Not close enough! Lou enters, genuinely stricken. LOU (Mutters) Oh my! Oh, dear...! MARY Mr. Grant...? LOU (Really shaken) Something terrible has happened. MURRAY (Sober) What is it, Lou? LOU Someone we all know is dead. MARY What! Mr. Grant--who? LOU (Getting control) No... I won't tell you about it now... I don't want to upset you... MARY (Frantic) Mr. Grant!!... LOU Where's Ted? I gotta tell Ted... MURRAY He's on the air, Lou. What happened? Who died? Tell us! LOU (Still dazed) Chuckles. Chuckles the Clown is dead. It was a freak accident. He went to the parade dressed as Peter Peanut... and a rogue elephant tried to shell him. They are both stunned. MARY Oh Mr. Grant... LOU (Moving to door) I gotta get this on the air. You start working on the formal obituary, Murray. Chuckles' real name was George... his wife's name is Louise... Lou starts out, then turns in the doorway, with an afterthought. LOU ...The elephant's name is Jocko... TED (ON THE AIR) (Still glum) And in St. Paul today, when stopped for going through a traffic light a woman gave this excuse to a police officer: "It's a new car. I'm trying not to wear out the brakes"... (sarcastically) Ha ha. We'll be back after this commercial. Lou dashes in from the side. LOU Ted, listen closely. Chuckles the Clown was just killed. He was dressed as a peanut and an elephant crushed him. TED Stop trying to cheer me up, Lou. I mean, it's funny but it's in bad taste. LOU Ted, it's not a joke. TED You mean it?... Good Lord. LOU Look, Murray's writing a formal obituary for tomorrow. You'll just have to ad lib something for now. TED (Panicking) What'll I say? I mean, I hardly knew the man. LOU Sure you did. You knew him. You were on his show. TED It's hard to get to know a man when he's chasing you with a rubber chicken. LOU Ted, just say something short and simple and warm. You can do it, Ted. We're counting on you. TED Don't worry. I won't let you down. Stage manager gives Ted "on the air" cue. TED (ON THE AIR) (Reverently) Ladies and gentlemen--sad news... one of our most beloved entertainers and a close personal friend of mine is dead. Chuckles the Clown died today of-- (flounders, can't think how to put it) ...um, died today a broken man! Chuckles... um, leaves a wife. At least I assume he was married... he didn't seem like the other kind... I don't know his age, but I'd say he was probably in his early sixties... of course, it's hard to judge by a guy's face--especially when he's wearing big lips and a lightbulb for a nose... Anyhow, he had his whole life in front of him--except the sixty years he's already lived... I remember... Chuckles had a motto he used to recite at the end of his shows. It was called "The Credo of a Clown." I'd like to offer it now, in his memory... (religiously) "A little song--A little dance--A little seltzer down your pants." That's what it's all about, folks... that's what he stood for--that's what gave his life meaning... (Ted is winging now) Chuckles liked to make people laugh. And you know what I'd like to think? I'd like to think that somewhere up there tonight-- (eye heavenward) behind those pearly gates... in the Great Beyond, where some day all must go... somewhere up there tonight, in honor of Chuckles, a celestial choir of angels... (his big finish) ...is sitting on whoopie cushions. (Quickly) Ted Baxter, good night and good news! And on Lou's face, we: FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN INT. LOU'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY Lou is pouring coffee, talking to Murray. LOU Chuckles worked at this station for twenty years. The least we can do is put together some kind of tribute to him. MURRAY I think I got a title for it. "Requiem For A Peanut." Murray immediately regrets having said it, and covers his face. Lou gives him a reproachful look. LOU That isn't very respectful, Murray. MARY Then why are you laughing? SUE ANN Mary, dear--don't the circumstances strike you as being the least little bit... bizarre? LOU After all, the guy died wearing a peanut suit, killed by an elephant. MURRAY Yeah--born in a trunk, *died* in a trunk! MARY Okay. *Forget* what he was wearing! Suppose he *hadn't* been dressed as a peanut--would it still be funny? There is a pause while they all consider that. Then Murray, very somberly, says: MURRAY ...It could have been worse... he could have gone as Billy Banana--and had a gorilla peel him to death. Without a word, Mary tosses clipboard on desk and exits, as we: DISSOLVE TO: MURRAY I'm sorry, Lou, but I can't stop. I've been doing it ever since you gave us the news yesterday afternoon. LOU Me, too. It was some shock. MURRAY (Very serious) It sure was. LOU A real tragedy. MURRAY (Ditto) Terrible thing. LOU Lucky *more* people weren't hurt. Lucky that elephant didn't go after anybody else. MURRAY (Solemnly) That's right. After all, you know how hard it is to stop after just one peanut... Murray goes to pieces. Can't help it. Breaks up completely. LOU (Going fast) That's not funny, Murray... (He breaks up too) As they are both in stitches Ted enters, gradually starts laughing with them. TED What are we laughing at? MURRAY Chuckles. Ted gives them scathing look and exits. A beat, then re- enters. TED That's not nice. MURRAY (Guilty) I know. Why do I say things like that, Lou? LOU It's a release, Murray. A kind of defense mechanism. It's like whistling in a graveyard. You try to make light of something because it scares you. We laugh at death because we know death will have the last laugh on us. TED (Impressed) Hey, Lou, that's good! It's not only good, it's heavy. LOU "Ask not for whom the bell tolls: It tolls for thee." TED "It tolls for thee." Movingly put, Lou. (Beat) Why does it toll for me? LOU Because this could have happened to any of us, Ted. MURRAY (Philosophically) Somewhere out there there's an elephant with your name on it. There is a beat. Then an awful thought suddenly hits Ted. TED Lou! That's right. It could have been me! LOU No it couldn't Ted-- TED I wanted to go! You wouldn't let me! LOU Ted, it doesn't work that way-- TED (Clutching Lou's hand) You saved my life, Lou! You saved my life. LOU Please, Ted, I feel bad enough today. Ted exits. INT. NEWSROOM Ted exits as Mary enters and crosses to her desk. MARY Oh, Ted... My car is being fixed-- could I possibly ride with you and Georgette to the funeral tomorrow? TED Sure. The more the merrier. Ted crosses and exits. As he does so, he passes Sue Ann, who enters. SUE ANN Mary, dear--there's no point in duplicating efforts. I'll do the tribute to Chuckles on *my* show this afternoon. I have to peel onions anyhow--my eyes will be too puffy for anything else. MARY (Annoyed) Sue Ann! Why is everybody being so callous about this? SUE ANN (Hurt) Callous? I'll have you know, dear, that Chuckles and I were very close. I made the first custard pie he ever sat on. MARY All right. Maybe callous isn't what I mean. But the man is dead, and it seems to me that Mr. Grant and I are the only ones in this whole place who are showing any reverence. Lou and Murray enter from Lou's office. Lou is laughing. LOU (Still laughing) Cut it out, Murray. MURRAY Can you imagine the insurance claim? "Cause of death: a buster goober." They both laugh. Sue Ann joins them. SUE ANN I don't know what you two are laughing at but I'll take a chance it's dirty. MARY (Upset) Murray! You're not still making jokes about... about that? Murray nods his head, ashamed. MURRAY Sorry, Mair. LOU It's a release, Mary. People need that when dealing with a tragedy. Everybody does it. He smiles apologetically at her. She looks him in the eye, unsmilling. MARY I don't. Gradually the other three wipe the smiles off their faces. When all are serious again, Mary picks up a clipboard. MARY Shall we discuss the tribute, now. LOU Right. Good idea. MARY As you suggested, Mr. Grant, I screened a number of Chuckle's old shows this morning. His best known characters were... "Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo," "Billy Banana," "Aunt Yoo-Hoo," and... um, of course... (quickly) "Peter Peanut." She looks up. All three of them have covered their faces. Mary stands and stares at them. Lou is the first to recover. LOU Sorry, Mary. MARY (Cool) Oh, that's all right, Mr. Grant. This tribute was your idea--if you think it's funny... LOU No, no. You're absolutely right. The guy deserves a dignified farewell. MARY Exactly. Now I thought we might open with some film of him at work, and maybe just the words, "As We Remember Him." SUE ANN Oh, Mary, that's beautiful. MURRAY Yeah, that's nice--really nice. LOU Great idea. As we remember him. (Checking list) Who was Aunt Yoo-Hoo? MARY (Embarrassed, quickly) Oh, well, I don't think we'd want to use Aunt Yoo-Hoo... LOU Why not? What did he do as Aunt Yoo- Hoo? MARY Nothing much. He'd just... put on a dress and scream "Yoo-Hoo." LOU I don't want to remember him that way... MARY ...T-then at the end of the show he'd... you know, bend over... um, with his little back to the camera... and on the seat of his--his bloomers, ah, would be written... "the end." MURRAY (Beat) Maybe they should bury him that way. Sue Ann and Lou break up. Mary turns and looks right at Murray, really disappointed. Murray can't look at her. MARY (Tight) Okay, Murr. I give up. You win. Chuckles' death was a scream. MURRAY Aw come on, Mair. We're not laughing at his death. We all liked him and we're sorry. INT. MORTUARY CHAPEL - DAY We don't actually see a casket. We see two or three rows of people, facing a small lectern where the minister will speak. Two of the rows are strangers: one is WJM people. Sue Ann is there. After a beat, Ted, Georgette and Mary enter, make their way up the aisle, and slide into the WJM row. Organ music plays faintly. They exchange hellos. SUE ANN You're looking very nice, Ted. TED Thanks, Sue Ann. I just paid half a buck to have my shoes done. Cream shine. I think that's what he would have wanted. GEORGETTE (Looking around) Why do people always send flowers when someone passes on? SUE ANN What would you suggest, dear, fruit? GEORGETTE It's so sad. Funerals always come too late. MARY Ah, I'm... not sure I understand that, Georgette. GEORGETTE Well, I mean, we take people for granted while they're with us. Then, when they're gone, we wish we'd been nicer to them. So we dress in black and cry our eyes out. Why don't we ever think to do that while they're still alive? MARY Good question. TED I wish I'd been nicer to Chuckles when I had the chance. I always kind of looked down on him--you know, him being a clown. I was prejudiced against him just because his skin was different colors than mine. Lou and Murray enter. They all exchange hellos. LOU (Looking around) Not much of a crowd. TED I know. If it were my funeral this place would be packed. MURRAY That's right, Ted. It's just a matter of giving the public what they want. LOU (Still looking around) I wonder which ones are the other clowns? MURRAY You'll know soon. They're all going to jump out of a little hearse. MARY (Sharply) Murray--enough is enough. This is a funeral. Somebody has died. It's not something to make jokes about. We came here to show respect--not to laugh. MURRAY I'm sorry, Mary, you're right. No more jokes. Organ music stops and Reverend Burke steps to the lectern. BURKE My friends... "Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. Therefore, ask not for whom the bell tolls--it tolls for thee." TED (Sotto: scandalized) Hey, Lou, he stole your poem! BURKE Chuckles the Clown gave pleasure to millions. The characters he created will be remembered by children and adults alike: Peter Peanut, Mr. Fee- Fi-Fo, Billy Banana, and my particular favorite, Aunt Yoo-Hoo. Mary stifles a laugh. BURKE And not just for the laughter they provided--there was always some deeper meaning to whatever Chuckles did. Remember Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo's little catch phrase, remember how when his arch rival Senor Caboom would hit him with the giant cucumber and knock him down? Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo would always pick himself up, dust himself off and say, "I hurt my foo-foo." Mary again stifles a laugh. The others in the row glare at her. BURKE Life's a lot like that. From time to time we all fall down and hurt our foo-foo's. Mary again stifles a laugh. Other people turn to look at her. BURKE If only we could all deal with it as simple and bravely and honestly as Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo. And what did Chuckles ask in return? Not much--in his own words--"A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants." Mary has great difficulty in stifling herself here. Many people turn to look at her. BURKE (Looking right at Mary) Excuse me, young lady... yes you... would you stand up please? Mary, with no alternative, stands up. BURKE You feel like laughing, don't you? Don't try to stop yourself. Go ahead, laugh out loud. Don't you see? Nothing could have made Chuckles happier. He lived to make people laugh. He found tears offensive, deeply offensive. He hated to see people cry. Go ahead, my dear--laugh. As Mary bursts into tears, we: FADE OUT END OF ACT TWO TAG FADE IN INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING FUNERAL Mary, Lou, Murray, Georgette, Ted and Sue Ann enter. MARY (To Lou) But I just felt so dumb standing there like that. LOU Mary, forget about it. Everybody else did. All in all it was a very nice funeral. GEORGETTE Right. All's well that ends well... MARY Everybody just make yourself at home. I'll put some coffee on. GEORGETTE You know. It's just the sort of funeral I would want. SUE ANN Not me. I want to be cremated and have my ashes thrown on Robert Redford. MURRAY What about you, Lou? LOU I don't want anybody to make any fuss. When I go, I just want to be stood outside in the garbage with my hat on. MURRAY What kind of a funeral do you want, Mary? MARY Do we have to talk about this? SUE ANN C'mon, Mary, everyone else has. MARY Oh, I don't really care. I just don't want an organ playing sad music. MURRAY What do you want them to play-- "Everything's Coming Up Roses"? TED I'd like a real fancy funeral if I were going to die. LOU What do you mean "if"? TED I'm not going to die. MURRAY Why not? How else are you going to be reunited with your brain? TED No, I'm not going to die. See, I'm into this thing where if I ever get sick--real sick--like I'm about to go--they take me away and freeze me. Then, two or three hundred years from now when they find a cure for whatever it was that was wrong with me then they'll just unfreeze me. GEORGETTE That's terrific, Ted. Maybe when you come back you won't complain so much about my cold feet. FADE OUT THE END