FAMILY GUY
"Chitty Chitty Death Bang"
Production #1ACX04
Written by
Danny Smith
Created by
Seth MacFarlane
Executive Producers
Seth MacFarlane
David Zuckerman
This script is not for publication or reproduction. No one
is authorized to dispose of same. If lost or destroyed, please
notify Script Department.
THE WRITING CREDITS MAY NOT BE FINAL AND SHOULD NOT BE USED
FORPUBLICITY OR ADVERTISING PURPOSES WITHOUT FIRST CHECKING WITH
TELEVISION LEGAL DEPARTMENT.
Return to Script Department:
20TH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
10201 W. Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90035 |
TABLE DRAFT
August 20, 1998 |
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“Chitty Chitty Death Bang” |
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PETER GRIFFIN |
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SETH MACFARLANE |
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LOIS GRIFFIN |
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ALEX BORSTEIN |
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CHRIS GRIFFIN |
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SETH GREEN |
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MEG GRIFFIN |
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LACEY CHABERT (POSSIBLE SUB: ALEX BORSTEIN?) |
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STEWIE GRIFFIN |
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SETH MACFARLANE |
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BRIAN GRIFFIN |
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SETH MACFARLANE |
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AIRLINE EMPLOYEE |
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TBD: SUB: JILL BAYOR |
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ALEX TREBEK |
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SETH MACFARLANE |
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ANNOUNCER |
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TBD: SUB: GARREU DONOVAN |
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ATTRACTIVE ASIAN LADY |
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TBD: SUB: KRISTEN WARFIELD |
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BOB BARKER |
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TBD: SUB: SETH MACFARLANE |
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CAT IN THE HAT |
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SETH GREEN |
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CHEERLEADER #1 |
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TBD: SUB: JILL BAYOR |
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CHEERLEADER #2 |
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TBD: SUB: KRISTEN WARFIELD |
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CLEVELAND |
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MIKE HENRY |
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CLUB OWNER |
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SETH MACFARLANE |
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CRAZY GUY |
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SETH MACFARLANE |
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CULT KID #1 |
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SETH MACFARLANE |
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CULT KID #2 |
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TBD: SUB: ANDREW GORMLEY |
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CULT LEADER |
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TBD: SUB: SETH MACFARLANE |
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DOCTOR |
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TBD: SUB: SETH MACFARLANE |
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FRAT BOY #1 |
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SETH GREEN |
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HANSON KID |
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SETH GREEN |
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HEAVYSET WOMAN |
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TBD: SUB: MIKE BARKER |
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HORTON |
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SETH MACFARLANE |
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INFANT |
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TBD: SUB: MAU WEITZMAN |
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JENNIFER |
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TBD: SUB: RACHAEL MACFARLANE |
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JESUS |
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SETH MACFARLANE |
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MANAGER |
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SETH GREEN |
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MARINE |
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TBD: SUB: DANNY SMITH |
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NOAH |
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SETH MAŒARLANE |
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PARENT #1 |
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TBD: SUB: CHRIS SHERIDAN |
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PARENT #2 |
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TBD: SUB: CRAIG HOFFMAN |
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PARENT #3 |
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TBD: SUB: DANNY SMITH |
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PATIENTS |
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ALL |
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QUAGMIRE |
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SETH MACFARLANE |
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RIFF |
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TBD: SUB: GARY JANETTI |
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SECURITY GUARD |
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TBD: SUB: SETH MACFARLANE |
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SWEATSHOP FOREMAN |
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TBD: SUB: MIKE HENRY |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 “CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
1. |
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COLD OPEN |
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EXT. /ESTAB. GRIFFINS' HOUSE - DAY |
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INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - SANE |
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BRIAN reads the paper. LOIS is preparing STEWIE's lunch. She
half-watches the little TV on the counter. |
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INT. "PRICE IS RIGHT" SET - (ON TV) |
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BOB BARKER is on stage. |
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BOB BARKER |
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What's the next item up for bid? |
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ANNOUNCER (V.0.) |
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It's a box of One Dollar Rice! |
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An ELDERLY MODEL in an evening gown waves a shaky, flabby arm
over a box clearly marked "ONE DOLLAR RICE." Bob Barker
turns to his panel of contestants. |
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BOB BARKER |
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What is your bid, Linda? |
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The AUDIENCE shouts out numbers, as well as "Baba Booey"
and "Freebird!" An ATTRACTIVE ASIAN LADY is the first
contestant. |
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ATTRACTIVE ASIAN LADY |
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Seventy-five cents, Bob! |
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BOB BARKER |
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(TO A MARINE) And you, Sargeant? |
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A strapping MARINE leans into his mic. |
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MARINE |
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Forty-five cents, Sir! |
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A HEAVYSET WOMAN is next. |
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BOB BARKER |
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(ANNOYED) All right, Helen. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
2. |
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BOB BARKER (CONT'D) |
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This is a box of One Dollar Rice. It says one dollar
on the box. You must bid closest to the actual retail price of
this one dollar rice without going over. |
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HEAVYSET WOMAN |
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Oh, okay, I‘11 bid... one dollar! |
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BOB BARKER |
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All right, then... |
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HEAVYSET WOMAN |
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...and thirty cents. |
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INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS |
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Lois dumps some apple sauce in a bowl. She sprinkles cinnamon
on it as Stewie watches, suspicious. She brings the bowl over
to him. |
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STEWIE |
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I saw that! You put something in there! |
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He pushes it on the floor. Lois goes to clean it up. |
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LOIS |
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(SIGH) You are such a fussy eater. (TO BRIAN) You know, when
he was born, I could barely get him to breast feed. |
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INT. PETER AND LOIS' BEDROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK) |
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Lois is trying to breast feed an infant Stewie, who pushes her
away. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
3. |
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STEWIE |
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Put that bloody thing away! You're trying to poison me! |
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LOIS |
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Stewie, it's perfectly natural. |
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STEWIE |
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In that case, you won't mind if I insist that you try some first? |
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INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
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LOIS |
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Honey, it's just cinnamon. |
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STEWIE |
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Thank you, but I'd prefer my apple sauce without arsenic-- oh,
I'm sorry, (MAKING AIR QUOTES) "cinnamon," is it? |
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INT. "PRICE IS RIGHT" SET - (ON TV) |
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Bob addresses the camera. |
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BOB BARKER |
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This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population.
Have your pet spayed or neutered. |
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INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS |
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Brian doesn't even look up from his paper. |
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BRIAN |
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Oh, just die already. |
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END OF COLD OPEN |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACXO4 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
4. |
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ACT ONE |
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EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS' HOUSE - DAY |
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INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - SANE |
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PETER and Brian watch TV. CHRIS does his homework. He slams his
pencil down, frustrated. |
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CHRIS |
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Dumb stupid math! This is so lame. |
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PETER |
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Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me take a look. |
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He takes Chris' book and reads the cover. |
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PETER (CONT'D) |
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(READING) "Math for Students With Attention Deficit Disorder."
(OPENS THE BOOK) "Number one: If a train travelling at fifty
miles per hour leaves the station at four o'clock, I was on a
train once. Hey look, a bird. I smell bacon." (TO CHRIS)
Why don't you just look up the answer in the back? |
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He flips to the back of the book. Suddenly the room is bathed
in a flashing red light. A siren sounds. Peter closes
the book quickly. The room returns to normal. |
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PETER (CONT'D) |
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Guess they don't let you do that anymore. |
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Lois enters. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
5. |
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LOIS |
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Well, everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party. I can't
believe he‘s gonna be a year old. |
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PETER |
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Yeah, I‘11 never forget the day he was born. |
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INT. DELIVERY ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK) |
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Peter, in surgical scrubs and mask, looks wide-eyed as Lois gives
birth to Stewie. A DOCTOR and NURSE assist. |
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DOCTOR |
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One more push, Lois. This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would
you like to have a look? |
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PETER |
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Yeah, you know, I‘ve never actually seen a - - - (BECOMING
ILL) Oh, God! |
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Peter covers his mouth and runs out of the room. |
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DOCTOR |
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Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy! Wait a minute, I don't
think we‘re through here. |
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LOIS |
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Oh, my god, is it twins? |
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DOCTOR |
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No, it's a... (QUIZZICALLY) map of Europe? |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
6. |
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We see certain cities have been marked with an "X"
and "Bomb Here." We PUSH IN ON newborn Stewie
in Lois' arms, looking around maliciously. |
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SFX: MUSICAL STING |
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INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
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LOIS |
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I just confirmed everything with the birthday party planner down
at Cheesie Charlie's. |
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CHRIS |
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Cool! They have this game where you put a dollar in and you win
four quarters! Man, I could play that all day. I get to go, right? |
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LOIS |
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Of course, we're all going. A baby's first birthday is a family
milestone. |
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Stewie enters. |
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STEWIE |
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I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own
feces? (CLAPS HIS HANDS; RE: DIAPER) A little service here! |
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PETER |
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Hey, Stinky! We were just talking about our big plans for you! |
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STEWIE |
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(SUSPICIOUSLY) Plans? |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
7. |
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PETER |
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It‘s your birthday, little buddy. |
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LOIS |
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Saturday's gonna be real special, honey. I've hired a professional
to make sure everything goes just right. |
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STEWIE |
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(RAISING AN EYEBROW) A professional? |
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Gasp! There's treachery afoot! |
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Stewie scampers out. A beat. He scampers back in
to pick up his TEDDY BEAR. He points a warning finger at Brian. |
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STEWIE (CONT'D) |
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You've seen nothing here! Do you understand me, nothing! |
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Stewie scampers out again. |
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BRIAN |
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Freak. |
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EXT. /ESTAB. GRIFFINS' HOUSE - DUSK |
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EXT. GRIFFINS' FRONT PORCH - DUSK |
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Peter watches his electric bug zapper as mosquitos fly
into it and meet a quick, sizzling death. He's eating a piece
of pie with a fork. |
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PETER |
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Heh. Stupid mosquitos. (THEN:) |
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Wonder what that feels like. |
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Peter notices a nearby electrical outlet. He looks at his fork. |
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PETER (CONT'D) |
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Huh. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
8. |
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As Peter walks toward the outlet with his fork, MEG runs up sobbing. |
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PETER (CONT‘D) |
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Meg, you're home late. |
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MEG |
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I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading! |
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A beat. Meg continues sobbing. |
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PETER |
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Well, don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do? |
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MEG |
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I'll give you a hint. I (AS A FAKE CHEER) S-U-C-K-E-D. Rah! I
hate high school. I just can't find a group I fit in with. |
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PETER |
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Boy, do I know that feeling. |
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EXT. ALLEY - DAY (FLASHBACK) |
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The JETS of "West Side Story" are snapping their fingers
as they dance through an alley (to jazzy, cheap, sound-alike
Bernstein music). Peter follows, trying to blend in. |
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RIFF |
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(TO PETER) Uh, okay man, you are really throwing me off. It's
step-kick-step-twirl. Got it? |
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PETER |
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I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
9. |
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RIFF |
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Not without seven years of ballet and two of jazz tap, we're
not. From the top, people! (TO PETER) Why don't you just hang
back and stretch? |
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Peter looks disappointed. |
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EXT. GRIFFINS' FRONT PORCH - DUSK (BACK TO PRESENT) |
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MEG |
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I don't get it. The harder I try to make friends, the more people
hate me. |
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PETER |
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Listen, Meg, you're a one of a kind, special girl with a mind
of her own. Now see, people hate that. You want friends, ya gotta
blend in. |
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MEG |
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But Mom keeps saying I should just be myself. |
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PETER |
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Aw, that's the worst thing you can do. I'm tellin ya, just be
the girl you think everyone else wants you to be. |
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MEG |
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Wow, it‘s so obvious. Thanks, Daddy! |
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She gives him a kiss and runs into the house as Lois comes outside. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
10. |
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MEG (CONT'D) |
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(ON HER WAY IN) Hi, Mom! Bye, Mom ! |
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LOIS |
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(TO PETER) Well, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus
broke down in front of our house. |
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EXT. GRIFFIN HOUSE - DAY (FLASHBACK) |
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Peter and Meg are on the porch as a bus with the words "HANSON
- NATIONAL TOUR" rolls to a stop in front of the Griffins'
home. (The radiator of the bus emits steam.) Meg stands up, overjoyed.
The three blonde mop-topped HANSON BOYS get out. |
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HANSON KID |
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Hi, can we use your phone? |
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PETER |
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Holy crap, it's the Children of the Corn! |
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Peter grabs a rifle and starts firing at them. |
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EXT. GRIFFINS' FRONT PORCH - DUSK (BACK TO PRESENT) |
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PETER |
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We just had a little father/daughter talk. |
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LOIS |
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Well, it seems to have worked. |
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He raises his overshirt, revealing a t-shirt that says, "#1
DAD!" |
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PETER |
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(PROUDLY) Hey, I wasn't just blowin' smoke when I bought this
t-shirt. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
11. |
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LOIS |
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Oh, Peter, they're growin' up so fast. This could be our last
first birthday ever. You know, when Meg and Chris turned one,
I was so busy with the decorations and the games and the cake,
I feel like I missed everything. |
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INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - DAY (FLASHBACK) |
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Lois (in a 1982 Farrah-Fawcett haircut), looking a little haggard,
is writing "Happy First Birthday, Meg!" on a big cake.
Party sounds drift in from the other room. A younger-looking
Peter dashes into the kitchen. |
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PETER |
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Lois, you're not gonna believe this! Meg took one look at her
new Flashdance Barbie, turned to me and said, "Da-da!" |
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LOIS |
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(AMAZED) Her first words? |
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PETER |
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Yeah! Then she stood up all by herself and started walking! |
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LOIS |
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Her first steps! |
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PETER |
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Yup, all the way to the bathroom and made her first real potty!
What the hell are you doin' in here, anyway? |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
12. |
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Peter runs out. Lois looks sad. |
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EXT • GRIFFINS' FRONT PORCH - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
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LOIS |
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Thank God we were able to book Cheesie Charlie's. Now I can spend
every minute of Stewie's party with you guys instead of bein'
in the kitchen. |
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PETER |
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Yeah, it's gonna be great. Just as long as they don't serve cabbage.
(PATS HIS GUT) You know how my body reacts to cabbage. |
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INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) |
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Peter and Lois are at a wedding reception. Peter takes a bite
of cabbage, chews, and swallows. A beat later, there's a flash
of light and he turns into a tiny leprechaun. He does a little
jig. |
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EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFIN HOUSE - NIGHT |
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INT. STEWIE' S BEDROOM - SANE |
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Stewie scribbles madly with a crayon in his journal (a drawing
pad). He wears his jammies and writes by nightlight. |
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STEWIE (V.0.) |
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It seems the domestic overseers are plotting against me. Their
plans somehow relate to the impending anniversary of my escape
from that uterine gulag. I can still recall the events which
led to my capture. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
13. |
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We PUSH IN on Stewie as he remembers. |
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STEWIE (CONT'D; V.0.) |
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It was every potential man for himself. |
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MATCH DISSOLVE TO: |
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INT. LOIS' FALLOPIAN TUBE - (FLASHBACK) |
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(NOTE: This sequence is a parody of the final Death Star attack
sequence from "Star Wars"). We start CLOSE ON STEWIE.
He's inside the cockpit, piloting one of a squadron of SPERM.
They race along like little X-wing fighters (minus the wings).
The sperm begin firing lasers at the large egg, which
we now see is their destination. |
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Stewie deliberately blasts a few of his competitors out
of the "sky", and flies in toward the egg. The battle
continues as he and the other sperm-ships continue to fly across
the surface, blasting at each other, and at the egg. Finally,
Stewie blasts a hole in the thing, and flies right through
the explosion, into the egg. |
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STEWIE (V.0.) |
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But my triumph was short-lived. It was a trap, and I found myself
confined to an inadequate, damp cell for nine grueling months... |
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DISSOLVE TO: |
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INT. LOIS' WOMB - MONTHS LATER |
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A STEWIE FETUS writes in his journal. |
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STEWIE (V.0.) |
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Day one-seventy-one of captivity. |
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I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday...
He glances down. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
14. |
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STEWIE (CONT'D; V.0.) |
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...I'm up to eleven. But still, as long as I am interned in this
viscous confine, I am powerless... |
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INT. STEWIE' S BEDROOM - NIGHT (BACK TO PRESENT) |
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Stewie looks up suddenly. |
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STEWIE |
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Powerless! Of course! They plan to put me back in the womb. But
how? Surely they can't force me back through that unholy aperture
from whence I escaped. Not without help... (REALIZING) from "the
professional!" Well, two can play at that game! |
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He pulls a "Soldier of Fortune" magazine from beneath
his crib mattress and flips through it. |
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STEWIE (CONT'D) |
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I, too, shall require professional forces. (FINDS AN AD) Yes,
here we go. Managua, the Mecca of Mercenaries! I must go there
at once! |
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He takes out his Winnie the Pooh backpack and begins packing. |
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STEWIE (CONT'D) |
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Some provisions for my journey. |
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Grenades, mace, baggie full of Cheerios... |
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EXT. ESTAB. JAMES WOODS REGIONAL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
15. |
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EXT. MEG'S LOCKER - DAY |
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Meg is at her open locker. She sees a gaggle of CHEERLEADERS
pass her by. |
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|
CHEERLEADER #1 |
|
|
Boy, it sure is great being thin and popular. |
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|
|
CHEERLEADER #2 |
|
|
Hey, let‘s go throw up! |
|
|
|
All the cheerleaders say "sure," "yeah,"
"sounds fun," etc. |
|
|
MEG |
|
|
(SIGH) I wish I had someone to throw up with. |
|
|
|
Meg slams the door to her locker, revealing JENNIFER, a pretty
girl with very short hair. |
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|
JENNIFER |
|
|
Hi, I'm Jennifer. |
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MEG |
|
|
Hi... I'm Meg. |
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JENNIFER |
|
|
God, your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it. |
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|
MEG |
|
|
Really? Well, uh, I feel the same way about your, uh...
(OFF HER SHORT HAIR) teeth. |
|
|
|
Jennifer smiles. Meg smiles. |
|
|
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFIN HOUSE - DAY |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
16. |
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EXT. GRIFFINS' DRIVEWAY - SAME |
|
|
Peter is heading toward his car as CLEVELAND and QUAGMIRE pull
up in Quagmire's 1956 Buick Convertible. |
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QUAGMIRE |
|
|
Hey, Pedro, we're heading down to The Drunken Clam for a couple
of beers, and I‘m gonna shake the lady tree and see what
falls out. All riiiight. |
|
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CLEVELAND |
|
|
Quagmire, when are you going to learn? |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Sorry, guys. I gotta drop off a deposit check for Stewie's birthday
party at Cheesie Charlie's. |
|
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QUAGMIRE |
|
|
Cheesie Charlie's? Whoa, that's gonna cost ya a healthy chunk
of do-re-mi. |
|
|
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PETER |
|
|
Lois has her heart set on the place. Besides, she told me they're
givin' us a package deal. Pizza, birthday cake, they even give
ya free tokens. |
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|
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CLEVELAND |
|
|
The first ones are always free, Peter. |
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(MORE) |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATh BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
17. |
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CLEVELAND (CONT‘D) |
|
|
Then before you know it, you've spent eighty dollars trying to
win a Chinese fingertrap. (SIGHS) The Chinese certainly are an
inscrutable people. |
|
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QUAGMIRE |
|
|
Face it, Peter, you're an easy mark. You couldn't be more of
a sucker if you were wrapped in plastic with a stick comin' out
of your oh, yeah! |
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PETER |
|
|
What the hell're you talkin' about? I‘ve only been conned
once in my life. But that was a very sophisticated scam. |
|
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|
INT. BANK - DAY (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
Peter holds a baggie full of bright orange fish in water. He
addresses a bank teller. |
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|
PETER |
|
|
(IRATE) Whadda you mean, "worthless?" The guy at the
store said these were gold fish. |
|
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|
EXT. GRIFFINS' DRIVEWAY - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
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PETER |
|
|
And I'll be damned if I ever get taken like that again. |
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(MORE) |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
18. |
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PETER (CONT'D) |
|
|
Cheesie Charlie is gonna be no match for Peter-Peter Penny...
uh.. .Eater. |
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|
Peter stomps off, determined. Cleveland turns to Quagmire. |
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|
CLEVELAND |
|
|
Cleveland Jr. swallowed a quarter once. It came out eventually,
but we decided it was best to take the loss. |
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EXT./ESTAB. CHEESIE CHARLIE'S - DAY |
|
|
INT. CHEESIE CHARLIE'S - SAME |
|
|
A restaurant/party place for kids, lots of games, play areas,
etc. There's an animatronic band with various animals playing
instruments. In the b.g., we see some birthday parties in
progress. Peter enters with a full head of steam. |
|
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PETER |
|
|
(MUTTERING) Try to rip me off.. I'll show you, Cheesie Charlie... |
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|
He stops. PETER'S P.O.V.: A colorful ball pit. Peter is
tempted, but he shakes it off and continues his purposeful stride. |
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PETER (CONT'D) |
|
|
(MUTTERING) Screw me? Uh-uh, screw you. |
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|
He stops again and looks again. PETER'S P.O.V.: Kids play
in the ball pit. Peter takes two more steps, then dashes for
the ball pit. He jumps in and most of the balls and all the kids
fly out. Peter stands. up and resumes his determined walk. |
|
|
PETER (CONT'D) |
|
|
(MUTTERING) Got another thing comin'. |
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|
|
A young, pleasant MANAGER comes over to Peter. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACXO4 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
19. |
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MANAGER |
|
|
Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Are you here for an affair? |
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PETER |
|
|
An affair? I hardly know you. |
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|
|
An ANIMATRONIC BEAR DRUMMER on the bandstand does a rimahot. |
|
|
PETER (CONT'D) |
|
|
(TO BEAR) Thank you. (TO MANAGER) My name is Peter Griffin. |
|
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MANAGER |
|
|
Yes, Mr. Griffin. We're really looking forward to Stewie's birthday
party. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Yeah, I bet you are. Now, exactly what am I gettin' for my money? |
|
|
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MANAGER |
|
|
Well, our party packages include everything, even a visit from
Cheesie Charlie himself. |
|
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PETER |
|
|
Well, let's say you knock off fifty bucks and we get a less popular
character. Like that elephant from Horton Hears A Ho. |
|
|
|
INT. CHEAP MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT (CUTAWAY) |
|
|
HORTON the elephant lies on the bed reading a book. The CAT IN
THE HAT sits at the table. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
20. |
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|
|
The faint sound of a creaking bed is heard from the next
room. Horton perks up a bit and puts his ear to the wall. |
|
|
HORTON |
|
|
Hey. |
|
|
|
THE CAT IN THE HAT |
|
|
Hmm? |
|
|
|
HORTON |
|
|
C‘mere. |
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|
|
THE CAT IN THE HAT |
|
|
What? |
|
|
|
HORTON |
|
|
Someone's gettin' laid. |
|
|
|
INT. CHEESIE CHARLIE'S - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
|
|
MANAGER |
|
|
Our prices are set by the corporate office. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Look, junior, you're not dealing with a common, everyday simpleton
here. |
|
|
|
Peter absently pulls a plastic ball from the crack of his ass
and tosses it aside. We hear it bounce away. |
|
|
PETER (CONT'D) |
|
|
I'll just take my business elsewhere. Good luck filling our spot
by this Saturday. |
|
|
|
SIX PARENTS appear with handfuls of checks and bags of money. |
|
|
PARENT #1 |
|
|
I'll take it! |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
21. |
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PARENT #2 |
|
|
Me, first! |
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|
|
PARENT #3 |
|
|
Cash money! |
|
|
|
MANAGER |
|
|
(SHRUGS, TO PETER) Suit yourself. |
|
|
|
The Manager walks away with the parents. |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
(WORRIED) Okay, you drive a hard bargain. Five bucks off and
neither of us tells my wife I almost lost our reservation? (BEAT)
Four? |
|
|
|
The Manager is gone. Peter turns to the animatronic bear band. |
|
|
PETER (CONT'D) |
|
|
You guys do. funerals? |
|
|
|
The ANIMATRONIC ALLIGATOR BUGLER does a "mwah-mwah-mwah-mwahmwah!" |
|
END OF ACT ONE |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
22. |
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|
ACT TWO |
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|
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS' HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY |
|
|
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - DAY |
|
|
Lois is there. - Meg enters with JENNIFER, a perky young girl. |
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Meg, who's your friend? |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
Mom, this is Jennifer. |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
What a lovely kitchen. Mrs. G, are those Duncan Hines brownies? |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Why yes, I made them from scratch. |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart. |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Oh, no, once you get to know me I‘m really very nice. |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
I gotta run, Meg. (TO LOIS) It was super nice meeting you. Bye! |
|
|
|
Jennifer exits. |
|
|
MEG |
|
|
Mom, Jennifer invited me to a party on Saturday. |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
23. |
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|
LOIS |
|
|
This Saturday? |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
She said it's a once in a lifetime event! |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Well, so is your little brother's first birthday. |
|
|
|
Brian enters and opens the refrigerator. |
|
|
MEG |
|
|
Stewie won't care if I miss it. |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Of course, he will. And so will I. You'll be invited to other
parties. |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
Yeah, like that New Year's Eve party at the Insane Asylum? |
|
|
|
INT. INSANE ASYLUM - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
Meg looks bored as a bunch of mental patients in party hats count
down to midnight. |
|
|
PATIENTS |
|
|
Ten! Nine! Six! Chair! Milk! Blue! Happy Valentine's Day! Aaah! |
|
|
|
They all yell and run around. A CRAZY GUY comes up to Meg. |
|
|
CRAZY GUY |
|
|
You see the rabbit, don't you? |
|
|
|
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
|
|
Peter enters. He looks troubled. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
24. |
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|
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|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Heya, Lois. I got something to tell you... |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Just a second, Peter. |
|
|
|
As she speaks, Stewie, wearing his backpack, uses suction grips
on his hands and shoes to climb down the side of the house. As
he passes the window, we hear the muffled popping sounds
as the suction cups stick and release. Only Brian notices this.
He shrugs and goes back to perusing the fridge. |
|
|
LOIS (CONT'D) |
|
|
Meg, this party is important to me. My little baby is turning
one. |
|
|
|
Stewie's last suction cup pops off and he falls out of
frame with a crash. |
|
|
STEWIE (O.S.) |
|
|
Aahh! |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
(OBLIVIOUS) Look, I've been planning this day since my ultrasound.
Now our entire family is gonna be at Cheesie Charlie's on Saturday,
and that includes you, understood? |
|
|
|
Peter reacts to this. |
|
|
MEG |
|
|
Fine! Ruin my life! |
|
|
|
Meg exits. Lois turns to Peter. |
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
(SIGHS) What were you gonna say, Peter? |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
25. |
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|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Uh, well... About Cheesie Charlie‘s. (NERVOUS LAUGH) I uh...
cancelled the reservation. |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
(ANGRY) Peter, how could you? |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
It's not safe. I mean, kids disappear from that place like silverware. |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Are you crazy? The party is only three days away. We‘ll
never find a new place. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
(STARTING TO SWEAT) Calm down honey, I already found a couple
of spots that would be perfect. |
|
|
|
INT. SEEDY STRIP CLUB - DAY (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
Peter talks to a seedy CLUB OWNER. |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Well, I think this could work out great, except a lot of these
kids don't have laps yet. |
|
|
|
CLUB OWNER |
|
|
They gotta have laps. |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
26. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
INT. MALAYSIAN SHOE FACTORY (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
Peter stands with a SWEATSHOP FOREMAN in a second floor office
overlooking a warehouse full of CHILDREN at sewing machines,
which whir in the background. |
|
|
SWEATSHOP FOREMAN |
|
|
Sure, the kids can make shoes all day long. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Wow, arts and crafts. You provide cake? |
|
|
|
SWEATSHOP FOREMAN |
|
|
No. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
No cake? How the hell'd this place get so popular? |
|
|
|
INT. INSANE ASYLUM - DAY (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
The Mental Patients are still yelling and running around (as
in prior flashback). Peter's talking to the Crazy Guy. |
|
|
CRAZY GUY |
|
|
Sure, we do parties here. If you don't mind the giant rabbit
punching you in the gut. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
What rabbit? (DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN) |
|
|
|
Ow! |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
27. |
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|
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|
|
|
|
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
But then I started thinking, we can give Stewie the best birthday
ever right here in the bosoms of our own home. |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Peter, we've been over this... |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Honey, you won't have to lift a finger. I already got us a clown,
a magician, a petting zoo, a big ass pinata, the works. It's
gonna be great. |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
I'm counting on you, Peter. |
|
|
|
Lois walks out. Brian looks at Peter. |
|
|
BRIAN |
|
|
You don't have any of those things, do you. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
How do you know? |
|
|
|
BRIAN |
|
|
I can smell fear. |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
28. |
|
|
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|
|
|
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|
|
PETER |
|
|
I got everything under control. All I need is a phone book, a
phone, and more money than I could get for this house. Unless
you can loan me some--? |
|
|
|
BRIAN |
|
|
(RE: HIS FUR) Peter, do you see any pockets in this coat? |
|
|
|
On Peter's distressed look... |
|
|
EXT. ESTAB. QUAHOG AIRPORT - DAY |
|
|
INT. QUAHOG AIRPORT - MOMENTS LATER |
|
|
Stewie trundles up to the ticket counter. He stands on his tip-toes
and addresses the FEMALE AIRLINE EMPLOYEE. |
|
|
AIRLINE EMPLOYEE |
|
|
Well, hey there, little boy, are you lost? |
|
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
Listen to me (READING HER NAMETAG) Jolene. One ticket to Nicaragua.
I want a window seat, and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles!
Oh, God help you if I find pickles. |
|
|
|
AIRLINE EMPLOYEE |
|
|
Oh, you are lost. |
|
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
No, but my cause will be if I miss my flight to Managua. They'11
put me back in that labial Leavenworth. |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
29. |
|
|
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|
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|
|
AIRLINE EMPLOYEE |
|
|
(INTO PHONE) Security, I have a lost little boy. |
|
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
What are you doing? Put down that phone at once or I'll disconnect
it and your right hand. |
|
|
|
A SECURITY GUARD comes over and leans down to Stewie. |
|
|
SECURITY GUARD |
|
|
Hey, little fella. Why don't you come with me? |
|
|
|
He picks up Stewie and carries him on his shoulder. |
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
No! Damn you, you're one of them, aren't you. What are
they paying you? I ‘11 double it! I‘11 give you whatever
you want. Money. Women. Men? |
|
|
|
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS' HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY |
|
|
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - DAY |
|
|
Brian stands near the door, glancing at his watch. Peter enters. |
|
|
BRIAN |
|
|
Hey, did you get the cash to pay for the party? |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Yeah, but it wasn't easy. First I tried printin' money. |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
30. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
INT. PETER'S OFFICE COPY ROOM - DAY |
|
|
Peter stands, in front of the copy machine as it flashes and
copies. |
|
|
ANGLE ON THE OUTPUT TRAY -- The machine cranks out page after
page of xeroxed coins. |
|
|
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Then I went on a game show. |
|
|
|
INT. JEOPARDY SET - (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
Peter and two other contestants listen to Alex Trebek read the
answer. |
|
|
ALEX TREBEK |
|
|
For eight hundred dollars, "This chemical dye is used in
over ninety percent of all cosmetics." |
|
|
|
Peter buzzes in. |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Diarrhea! |
|
|
|
Everyone laughs. Peter looks confused. |
|
|
PETER (CONT'D) |
|
|
What? (REALIZING) Oh, sorry. What is diarrhea. |
|
|
|
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
|
|
BRIAN |
|
|
So how did you get the money? |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
The old-fashioned way. I earned it. |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
31. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
EXT. STREET - DAY (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
CLOSE ON A XEROXED SIGN -- It's a picture of a cat and it reads,
"Missing. $100 Reward!" Peter takes the sign and studies
the picture. He enters into: |
|
|
INT. GRIFFINS' GARAGE - CONTINUOUS (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
Dozens of purring cats in cages fill the garage. |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Okay, which one of you is Fluffy? You're goin' home. |
|
|
|
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Now I can afford to give Stewie the party Lois always dreamed
of. |
|
|
|
BRIAN |
|
|
I don't know, Peter. If I heard Lois correctly, she just wants
a party with her family and... Hold it. |
|
|
|
A beat later, a tiny chuck wagon pulled by a team of tiny horses
tears through the kitchen. |
|
|
CHUCK WAGON DRIVER |
|
|
Yah! Yah! |
|
|
|
Brian tears after the chuck wagon, but it disappears through
a cabinet door. Brian opens the cabinet and there's just a bag
of dog food. |
|
|
BRIAN |
|
|
Someday. |
|
|
|
INT. AIRPORT SECURITY OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER |
|
|
The kindly Security Guard is kneeling by Stewie, who is sitting
in a chair as if he's being interrogated. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
32. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
SECURITY GUARD |
|
|
Do you know your phone number, little boy? |
|
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
You won't get me to talk. Not even with cold running water, jumper
cables, and a car battery! |
|
|
|
SECURITY GUARD |
|
|
Sounds like you don't want to go home. Are you runnin' away? |
|
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing! |
|
|
|
SECURITY GUARD |
|
|
Y'know son, runnin' away never solves anything. You're getting
to be a big boy now, and part of growin' up means facin' your
problems head-on. |
|
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
(CONSIDERS THIS) Hmm. The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie
the clarity of your wisdom. It seems the answer to my dilemma
lies not in some war-torn third-world republic, but deep within
myself. I will face this "professional" who tasks me. |
|
|
|
(MORE) |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
33. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
STEWIE (CONT'D) |
|
|
And as for you, kind sage, I only hope my, heartfelt thanks will
keep you warm as you spend the next ten years IN FROZEN CARBONITE! |
|
|
|
Stewie draws a device and fires, freezing the Security Guard
solid. |
|
|
EXT. /ESTAB. GRIFFINS' HOUSE - THE NEXT MORNING |
|
|
EXT. GRIFFINS' BACK YARD - SAME |
|
|
Some WORKMEN are finishing setting up a party tent. Peter, Quagmire
and Cleveland look on, drinking beers. |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Well, I had to steal a lot of cats to pay for this thing, but
I think it was worth it. |
|
|
|
Chris comes out of the house. |
|
|
CHRIS |
|
|
Hey, Dad, the balloons are here. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
(CALLING OFF) Bring ‘em around back! And don't let Stewie
see them. |
|
|
|
A shadow falls over the yard, a la "Independence Day."
The guys look up. |
|
|
PETER (CONT'D) |
|
|
Look at that. I got him the three most popular characters. Bullwinkle,
Snoopy, and Kate Moss. |
|
|
|
ANGLE ON BALLOONS - Macy's parade balloons hover overhead.
Bullwinkle and Snoopy each have crews of HANDLERS manning the
ropes. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
34. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
One lone HANDLER holds the rope to the extremely thin Kate Moss
balloon. |
|
|
QUAGMIRE |
|
|
Boy, that gal could use some cheese on the top shelf, all riiiight. |
|
|
|
The Kate Moss balloon drifts into a tree and pops. |
|
|
CLEVELAND |
|
|
Peter, your extravagance leaves me at a loss for words. It sure
is a strange feeling, being speechless and all. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
You ain't seen nothin' yet. Here comes the petting zoo. |
|
|
|
A huge ark on a boat trailer pulls up to the curb. A grey, bearded
MAN in a long white robe (with a dove perched on his shoulder)
looks over the side. |
|
|
NOAH |
|
|
All right, head ‘em up, move ‘em out! |
|
|
|
The side of the ark falls open, revealing pairs of many different
animals that begin marching out. (We hear animal noises
under the rest of the scene.) A pair of STOCKY FRAT BOYS walk
out. |
|
|
NOAH (CONT'D) |
|
|
Hey! What kind of animals are you? |
|
|
|
FRAT BOY #1 |
|
|
Party. |
|
|
|
NOAH |
|
|
Okay. |
|
|
|
ANGLE ON PETER AND THE GUYS -- Meg comes out of the house. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
35. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
Dad, my friend Jennifer invited me to a party today. Can I go? |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Uh, I'm not gonna fall for this trick. Did you ask your mom? |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
(DISAPPOINTED) Yes. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Okay, then, have fun sweetheart. |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
Thanks, Daddy! Can you give me a ride? |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
I‘m kind of busy, honey. |
|
|
|
CLEVELAND |
|
|
I'll take you to your party, Megan. |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
Thanks, Mr. B. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
(CALLING 0.S.) Hey, those hot weiners are for the guests! |
|
|
|
We hear an elephant roar o.s. |
|
|
PETER (CONT'D) |
|
|
Yes, you! Hey, don't you wave that trunk at... aw, that's it! |
|
|
|
Peter marches off screen, rolling up his sleeves. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
36. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
QUAGMIRE |
|
|
(TO MEG) Watch out for those boy wolves at the party, Meg. They're
all just tryin' to get into Grandma's house. All riiiight. |
|
|
|
CLEVELAND |
|
|
C'mon, I wanna get back to see your baby brother's smiling face,
bless his little heart. I hope he's resting up for all the excitement. |
|
|
|
INT. STEWIE' S BEDROOM' - CONTINUOUS |
|
|
MUSIC: "THIS IS THE END" (BY THE DOORS) |
|
|
Stewie is in just his diaper and a Care Bears headband. He mentally
prepares for the battle ahead, doing a kata (a series of fluid
martial arts poses) a la Martin Sheen in APOCALYPSE NOW. He then
grabs two baby bottles, quickly ties the nipples together, then
expertly flings them about like nunchakus. |
|
|
EXT. GRIFFINS' BACK YARD - CONTINUOUS |
|
|
Lois comes out of the house to where Brian and Peter stand. |
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Oh, Peter, this is the most wonderful birthday celebration I
could have imagined! |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Yeah. Hey, did you see the big ass pinata? |
|
|
|
Peter points out a large, ass-shaped papier mache pinata. |
|
|
PETER (CONT'D) |
|
|
I sure hope candy comes out of that. |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX0 4 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
37. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Where' s Meg? I want to take some family pictures. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Oh, she went to her friend's house. (THEN) Wow, look at that,
David Copperfield just made your potato salad disappear. |
|
|
|
ANGLE ON THE REFRESHMENT TABLE - - DAVID COPPERFIELD finishes
one last spoonful of potato salad with a flourish. The, workmen
watching him all clap appreciatively. |
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
(UPSET) Wait a minute, you mean Meg's gonna miss Stewie's birthday? |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Yeah. I told her it was okay. So, can I throw a great party or
what? |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Oh, Peter, you've ruined everything! |
|
|
|
Lois starts to cry and runs into the house. Peter calls
after her. |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
What‘s wrong? It‘s the ice sculpture, isn't it. Too
anatomically correct. |
|
|
|
Brian brings Peter a beer. |
|
|
BRIAN |
|
|
Peter, I think she's upset because Meg's not here. |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
38. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
What's the big deal? It's not like she won't be back. |
|
|
FLIP TO: |
|
|
|
INT. SPACIOUS, SPARSELY FURNISHED MANSION - DAY |
|
|
Meg is with Jennifer and her new friends. All of them are clean-cut,
smiling teenagers with really short hair who are unusually peppy
and wearing identical dark blue jogging suits and tennis shoes.
In the center of the room there's a large punch bowl. |
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
I'm so glad you could join us, Meg. We‘re gonna have a great
time on our trip. |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
A trip? Like to the beach? Because I didn't bring my bathing
suit... |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
Oh, you won't need anything for where we're going. Excuse me,
I've got to go mix the punch. |
|
|
|
Meg smiles and moves away. She doesn't see Jennifer as she pours
rat poison, anti-freeze, rusty nails, broken glass, a rabid dog,
and a book into the punch bowl. HOLD ON THE PUNCH BOWL: The book
floats on top of the punch. It reads, "Paul Reiser's Couplehood." |
|
|
SFX: MUSICAL STING |
|
END OF ACT TWO |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
39. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
ACT THREE |
|
|
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS' HOUSE - DAY |
|
|
EXT. GRIFFINS' BACK YARD - SAME |
|
|
The party is underway. Parents are there with other babies. Stewie,
in his birthday sailor suit, watches the merriment with disdain.
Chris runs over with some ice cream. |
|
|
CHRIS |
|
|
Hey, Stewie, you want some coffee ice cream? It‘11 give
you a buzz. |
|
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
(GETTING RID OF HIM) Look! A moo cow! |
|
|
|
CHRIS |
|
|
(LOOKING 0.S.) Cool! |
|
|
|
Chris runs off. Stewie goes back to eyeing the crowd with suspicion. |
|
|
INT. PETER & LOIS' BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS |
|
|
Lois is on her bed, wiping her eyes, sadly. Peter paces, agitated. |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
C'mon, Lois, I hate to see ya cry. We got animals, we got a clown...
I mean, a party couldn't be any better if Jesus himself showed
up. |
|
|
|
INT. SOMEBODY'S HOUSE - NIGHT (CUTAWAY) |
|
|
A party is in progress. JESUS is the center of attention. He's
holding a pitcher of water. |
|
|
JESUS |
|
|
Okay, everybody, for my next miracle, I'm going to turn water
into funk! |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
40. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jesus snaps his fingers and there's a puff of smoke. Suddenly
the room is brightly colored, with 70's-style disco lights, a
flashing floor, and funkadelic music. Everybody starts
doing the same funky dance moves. Jesus, still in his robe, now
sports an Afro and leaps into a jazz split. |
|
|
INT. PETER & LOIS' BEDROOM - DAY (BACK TO SCENE) |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
I don't get it. I mean, I'm sorry I let Meg go to another party,
but c'mon, it's Stewie's birthday, not yours. (UH-OH) Is it? |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Peter, we're celebrating the day our family became whole. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Huh. I never thought about it like that. |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
If I never accomplish anything else in my life, I can always
be proud that I brought three healthy, normal children into this
world. |
|
|
|
EXT. GRIFFINS' BACK YARD - CONTINUOUS |
|
|
Stewie examines the crowd with high-tech field glasses. |
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
None of thes'e blithering idiots could possibly be capable of
returning me to the womb. |
|
|
|
He lowers the field glasses. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
41. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
STEWIE (CONT'D) |
|
|
If only I knew his countenance! The answer must be in the memory
of my escape. |
|
|
DISSOLVE TO: |
|
|
|
INT. LOIS' WOMB - (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
Stewie, now full-term, is very cramped. |
|
|
STEWIE (V.O.) |
|
|
The prison cell had become smaller and smaller as the days passed.
My only means of retaliation were my impotent kicks. |
|
|
|
Stewie kicks. |
|
|
STEWIE (CONT'D; V.0.) |
|
|
I could hear my captors mocking me. |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
(MUFFLED) Oh, my, he's a feisty one. |
|
|
|
The soft impression of Peter's face appears inches from Stewie's. |
|
|
PETER (O..S.) |
|
|
(MUFFLED BABY TALK) Hi, baby! |
|
|
|
THIRD TRIMESTER STEWIE |
|
|
Ahhh! |
|
|
|
Stewie begins kicking at Peter's face furiously. |
|
|
STEWIE (V.0.) |
|
|
I was quite sure that soon I would be dead. |
|
|
DISSOLVE TO: |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
42. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
INT. LOIS' WOMB - LATER (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
STEWIE'S P.O.V.: - Light streams in as the walls of the cell
part. Stewie starts toward the opening. |
|
|
STEWIE (V.0.) |
|
|
And then, without warning, there was a light at the end of the
tunnel. I took advantage of the opening. Free at last! |
|
|
|
INT. DELIVERY ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS (FLASHBACK) |
|
|
STEWIE'S P.O.V.: -- The screen parts, revealing a bright white
light. Suddenly a man's face (the DOCTOR) appears in the screen.
He wears white scrubs. |
|
|
STEWIE (V.0.) |
|
|
But suddenly, I was seized by a mysterious Man in White! |
|
|
|
EXT. GRIFFINS ‘ BACK YARD - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT) |
|
|
Stewie snaps out of his reverie. |
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
The Man in White! Of course. That cervical warden failed to thwart
my escape into the outside world. Now, on the anniversary of
his blunder, he's returning to rectify his mistake and put me
back in the womb! But I shall be prepared. |
|
|
|
EXT. /ESTAB. CULT MANSION - SAME |
|
|
INT. CULT MANSION - SAME |
|
|
Jennifer sees Meg looking down-hearted as she gazes at a boy. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
43. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
Meg, you seem sad. Today's a happy day! |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
I know. It's just that... well, I really like that guy over there,
but he doesn't even know I exist. He must think I'm like a total
dog. |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
Oh, that's so not true! You look great. |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
Then what is it? |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
He's a eunuch. |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
(CHEERED) Really? |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
Sure! All the guys here have been chemically castrated. It's
cool! |
|
|
|
We see two CULT BOYS near the punch bowl, checking out girls. |
|
|
CULT KID #1 |
|
|
Hey, do you think that girl is hot? |
|
|
|
CULT KID #2 |
|
|
No. |
|
|
|
CULT KID #1 |
|
|
Me neither! |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
44. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The two boys high five. |
|
|
EXT. GRIFFINS' BACK YARD - SAME |
|
|
Accompanied by cheezy Vegas music, DAVID COPPERFIELD has
Cleveland in a vertical box. He appears to be inserting sheets
of metal right through Cleveland's body! The PARENTS watch, entertained. |
|
|
ANGLE ON QUAGMIRE, talking to an attractive SINGLE MOM. |
|
|
QUAGMIRE |
|
|
I got a trick for you. Write your phone number on this piece
of paper. |
|
|
|
She does. |
|
|
QUAGMIRE (CONT'D) |
|
|
Now don't tell me what it is. Just put it in my pocket. (AS SHE
DOES SO) All riiiiight. |
|
|
|
ANGLE ON CLEVELAND, whose head (still in a box) is now
detached from his body and being held aloft by Copperfield. |
|
|
CLEVELAND |
|
|
Mr. Copperfield, you are truly the master of prestidigitation. |
|
|
|
Peter runs over. |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Cleveland, I gotta find Meg. You gotta take me to that party
she's at! |
|
|
|
CLEVELAND |
|
|
Peter, I'm in no condition to drive. I've had three beers. Besides,
a man can't leave his own son's birthday festivities. |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
45. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Aw, he won't even notice I‘m gone. He's playing with his
little friends. |
|
|
|
PAN TO Stewie, surrounded by other one year-olds in diapers.
He paces up and down before them like a general addressing his
troops. |
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
‘The hour of reckoning is at hand. The Man in White is coming
for me. You could be next. And you! |
|
|
|
The children look at him, cluelessly. One of them falls over. |
|
|
STEWIE (CONT'D) |
|
|
But today I offer you the opportunity to join with me in glorious
battle. |
|
|
|
I know there are some amongst you whose motor skills are not
yet developed. Sadly, you will be used as decoys. But your children's
children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now, who's
with me? |
|
|
|
They stare at Stewie. One of them smiles. |
|
|
INFANT |
|
|
(HAPPILY) Ducky? |
|
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
Useless, everyone of you! Fine! I'll defend myself and the rest
of you can rot in hell! |
|
|
|
(MORE) |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
46. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
STEWIE (CONT'D) |
|
|
(BEAT; AGGRAVATED SIGH) There, I‘ve gone and soiled myself.
Are you happy now? |
|
|
|
INT. PETER'S CAR - DAY |
|
|
Peter drives. The box with Cleveland's head sits in the passenger
seat. |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Now where? |
|
|
|
CLEVELAND |
|
|
Left at the light. But can you pull over? I gotta... I gotta
make water. |
|
|
|
EXT. /ESTAB. CULT MANSION - SAME |
|
|
INT. CULT MANSION - SAME |
|
|
We hear a large gong sound. The kids all reverently turn to a
large door. Jennifer leans over to Meg. |
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
Ooh! Our leader is here. He's going to take us on our journey. |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
So he's like a tour guide? |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
(BRIGHTLY) Okay! |
|
|
|
The door flies open, and the CULT LEADER ‘enters. He's got
short white hair and looks like vegetarian. |
|
|
CULT LEADER |
|
|
My children! It's time to celebrate the hour of transformation. |
|
|
|
The Cult Leader notices Meg. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
47. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
CULT LEADER (CONT‘D) |
|
|
Who are you? |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
This is Meg, oh wise one. Can she come with us? |
|
|
|
CULT LEADER |
|
|
Perhaps. (TO MEG) Do you have a mind that seeks enlightenment,
a heart that seeks purity, and a dark blue jogging suit? |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
I have a black one with the name of my high school on it... |
|
|
|
CULT LEADER |
|
|
(LOSING IT) Not black! (COMPOSING HIMSELF) I'll see what we have
in stock. What're you, about a nine? |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
(EMBARRASSED) Hahaha, no, a six! |
|
|
|
CULT LEADER |
|
|
(SURE YOU ARE) Right. My mistake. (TO JENNIFER) Dispense the,
uh, refreshments! |
|
|
|
The Cult Leader goes into another room. Jennifer starts ladling
the punch and handing out cups to the others. Meg takes a cup
as we PAN TO another door where Peter enters. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
48. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Meg, there you are. (TO JENNIFER) Nice place you got here. Parents
in the Mob? |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
I don't have any parents. |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
I wish I didn't. (TO PETER) What are you doing here? God, I‘m
so humiliated I could die. |
|
|
|
CULT KID #1 |
|
|
Hey, hey. Not before the rest of us. |
|
|
|
Jennifer offers him a cup for punch. |
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
Would you like a drink, Mr. G? |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Does it have booze in it? |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
No, sir. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
No, thanks. Meg, your mother wants the family together today. |
|
|
|
JENNIFER |
|
|
We're Meg's family now. |
|
|
|
MEG |
|
|
That is so sweet. |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
49. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Hold the phone. I don't remember• anyone here changin' her
diapers or feeding her in the middle of the night or takin' care
of her when she was sick. |
|
|
|
CULT KID #1 |
|
|
(TOUCHED) You did all that? |
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PETER |
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Hell, no, not me. But her mom did. (TO MEG) She's always doin'
stuff for me and you kids. That‘s why when she asks us to
do something, we should do it. |
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MEG |
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I know, but it‘s just Stewie's birthday. Why does she care
if I'm there? |
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PETER |
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I don't know... Maybe, it‘s kind of like her birthday, too.
Once a year for each of you, your mom gets to remember the day
you came into her life. |
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MEG |
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(TEARING UP) I'm the worst daughter ever! |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
50. |
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PETER |
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No, you're not, honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds? |
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MEG |
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I've been so selfish. After all mom's done for me. |
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The kids are all moved. |
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CULT KID #2 |
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I miss my mom. |
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CULT KIDS |
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Yeah./ Me, too./ I still hate my Dad, though. |
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JENNIFER |
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Gee, Mr. G., you're right. |
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CULT KID #2 |
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Mr. Griffin, could we come to Stewie's party, too? |
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PETER |
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Sure. You're all invited. |
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JENNIFER |
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Meg, you have the coolest family. |
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Peter picks up a glass of punch and raises it. |
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PETER |
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She sure does. Hey, here's to family! |
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CULT KIDS |
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To family! |
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They all drink the punch. Peter lifts his glass but glances at
his watch, spilling the punch. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
51. |
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PETER |
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Oh, jeez, look at the time. C'mon! |
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He grabs Meg just as she's about to sip her drink, spilling it.
They head out the door.. |
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EXT. CULT MANSION - CONTINUOUS |
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|
Peter is on the doorstep. He calls back to the open door. |
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PETER |
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Come on, kids, pile into the car. We've got a party to go to. |
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Peter waits for a beat. From inside, we hear a loud thud.
Peter waits another beat. |
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PETER (CONT'D) |
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Okay. We'll take separate cars. |
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INT. CULT MANSION - CONTINUOUS |
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The leader comes in carrying a dark blue jogging suit. |
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CULT LEADER |
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Children, the time of ascension has arrived... |
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The Cult Leader looks down and sees his dead followers on the
floor (and out of frame), then the half-empty punch bowl. |
|
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CULT LEADER (CONT‘D) |
|
|
Oh, for the love of... Haven't any of you been in a cult before? |
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He crosses to the doorway and sees Peter and Meg drive off. |
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CULT LEADER (CONT'D) |
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|
No! I can't achieve transcendence by myself! That would just
make me some kind of lone nut. Come back, Meg! |
|
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He starts out, then stops. |
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FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
52. |
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CULT LEADER (CONT‘D) |
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Whoops, can't forget my ceremonial white robe. |
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He grabs a white robe off the coat rack by the door. It looks
uncannily similar to what the doctor was wearing in Stewie's
birth flashback. |
|
|
EXT. GRIFFINS' BACK YARD - DAY |
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|
The party is winding down. Lois looks around sadly. |
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LOIS |
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(SADLY) Well, I guess there's nothing left but the birthday cake. |
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Meg comes out of the house holding the cake. |
|
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MEG |
|
|
One vanilla-fudge swirl with buttercream frosting, coming right
up! |
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LOIS |
|
|
Meg! |
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MEG |
|
|
I'm sorry, Mom. |
|
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Peter enters. Lois sees him. |
|
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LOIS |
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(TOUCHED) Thank you, Peter. |
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PETER |
|
|
No problem. (CHEERFULLY) Hey, now that we're all here, what say
we cut the damn cake! |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
53. |
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LOIS |
|
|
Gather round, everyone, it's time for Stewie's big moment. |
|
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|
EXT. GRIFFINS' HOUSE - CONTINUOUS |
|
|
The Cult Leader knocks on the front door. The door slowly swings
open with a creak. |
|
|
CULT LEADER |
|
|
Hello? |
|
|
|
He enters, tentatively. |
|
|
INT. GRIFFINS' HOUSE - CONTINUOUS |
|
|
The Cult Leader walks in the hall. The place is eerily quiet.
He hears a scampering behind him and whirls, but nothing's
there. |
|
|
CULT LEADER |
|
|
Is anybody home? |
|
|
|
The door slams shut behind him. |
|
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CULT LEADER (CONT'D) |
|
|
Aaah! |
|
|
|
Stewie's voice is amplified - - it sounds as if it's coming from
all around. |
|
|
STEWIE (V.0.) |
|
|
(AMPLIFIED & FILTERED) Greetings, Man in White. I've been expecting
you. |
|
|
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CULT LEADER |
|
|
(SCARED) Who said that? |
|
|
|
STEWIE (V.0.) |
|
|
(AMPLIFIED & FILTERED) Peek-a-boo, I see you! |
|
|
|
The Cult Leader turns toward the living room and spots a partially
open closet door with a mirror on it. |
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
54. |
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|
STEWIE (CONT'D; V.0.) |
|
|
(AMPLIFIED & FILTERED) You're getting warmer! |
|
|
|
The Cult Leader moves towards the closet door, then throws it
open! It's just a baby monitor. |
|
|
CULT LEADER |
|
|
Where are you? What do you want! |
|
|
|
STEWIE (V.0.) |
|
|
(AMPLIFIED & FILTERED) Freedom! What do you want? |
|
|
|
CULT LEADER |
|
|
I want to get the hell out of here. |
|
|
|
STEWIE (V.0.) |
|
|
(AMPLIFIED & FILTERED) I'm sorry, we're fresh out of that. I'm
afraid all we have left is untimely death! |
|
|
|
The Cult Leader hears a noise behind him. He whirls around
-- no one's there. He turns back and closes the closet door.
We see in the mirror that Stewie's standing right behind him!
He wields a strange looking laser-sighted raybeam. The Cult Leader
spins around to face him. |
|
|
CULT LEADER |
|
|
What the hell is this? |
|
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
It's a boy! |
|
|
SMASH CUT TO: |
|
|
|
EXT. GRIFFINS' BACK YARD - CONTINUOUS |
|
|
Lois is lighting a big candle on the cake. |
|
|
PETER |
|
|
Hey, anybody seen Stewie? |
|
|
FAMILY GUY 1ACX04 "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE
DRAFT) 8/20/98 |
55. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
From behind, we see the whole inside of the house light up from
the laser and hear a pshoooo sound. |
|
|
MEG |
|
|
Yeah, where's the birthday boy? |
|
|
|
Stewie comes swaggering out of the yard, brushing some dust off
his clothes. |
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
Victory is mine! |
|
|
|
LOIS |
|
|
Yes, and this cake is yours, too, if you blow out your candle. |
|
|
|
CHRIS |
|
|
Hey, Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come
true. |
|
|
|
PETER |
|
|
That‘s right, little buddy. What do you want most in the
whole world? |
|
|
|
STEWIE |
|
|
(RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER, EVILLY) All right. (INHALES, THEN RECONSIDERS)
Oh, what the hell. |
|
|
|
He blows out the candle. There's a puff of smoke, and
suddenly the yard is filled with funkadelic music. As everyone,
including Stewie, starts doing the same funky dance, we: |
|
FADE OUT: |
|
|
THE END |
|