At the model home Michael is making some scrambled eggs.

Narrator: It was Monday morning, and Michael Bluth was nervous about meeting with the new prosecutor of his father’s criminal case.

Lucille: (fixing Oscar’s hair) I don’t know what you’re so nervous about, Michael. It’s a new prosecutor. It’s a whole new beginning. A new day, a new case, a whole new set of lies. (sips from her cup)

Michael: I’m not lying anymore, Mom.

Narrator: Michael was lying.

Flash of George Sr. in the attic.

Narrator: He found his fugitive father earlier in the week and he was hiding him in the attic, where George, Sr. was currently waiting for his breakfast.

Michael: (starts walking out of the kitchen with the eggs) About the business -just for the record- I was not involved with Dad building houses in Iraq. That’s exactly what I’m going to tell them.

Lucille: (re: the scrambled eggs) Is that for Lindsay? Because she’s not scared to eat in front of me anymore. Those are the whites only, yes?

Michael: These aren’t for Lindsay. These are mine. (walks back to the kitchen)

Lucille: Anyway, I’m not lying anymore either, Michael. I’m being lied... (leaning towards Oscar) on.

Oscar: (petrified) Ah...

Michael: (re: the eggs he’s eating) Wow, now more is going to come up than go down.

Lucille touches Oscar lightly and leaves.

Oscar: I got to get out of here.

Michael: Hmm?

Oscar: I can’t take this anymore. She’s just so... loving and affectionate. I-I... this is not the woman I fell in love with. (stands)

Michael: Oscar, please, you can’t go. You got to stay, okay? This is the nicest she’s been since she found out that Rosa could breast-feed Buster.

Oscar: Oh, Buster- don’t even bring that up. He’s well into his Army training.

Cut to Buster in his Army training. He’s unsuccessfully trying to climb a wall while all the others trainees pass it.

Narrator: Actually, Buster had hit a wall in his Army training.

Buster: I can’t do it; I can’t make my bed, and I can’t do this, either- I’m sorry. (going to his Sergeant) Aren’t you supposed to yell at me and call me “homo” and motivate me over this wall?

Sergeant Baker: We can’t do that anymore. Lawsuit.

Buster gets exasperated.

Narrator: In fact, it was a recent ruling, prosecuted by the same man who Michael was soon to meet with.

Cut to outside the LAGUNA BEACH COURTHOUSE. James Alan Spangler and Wayne Jarvis stand in front of a bunch of journalists.

James Alan Spangler: (really proud of himself and in full military garb) It’s going to be a long time before Sergeant Baker Wendell Baker calls someone “Private Homo” again. (Jarvis remains stoic)

Cut back to the model home.

Oscar: God willing, he’ll fail Boot Camp.

Oscar takes the eggs right off Michael’s hands and starts leaving. A blue handprint can be seen on a wall.

Michael: Well, why wouldn’t he? He already failed Day Camp.

George Michael comes downstairs.

Oscar: Hey.

George Michael: Hey. Hey, Dad, you ready for the prosecutor?

Michael: (goes to make more eggs) I-I hope so. How’d that math test work out?

George Michael: Oh, it was okay, I guess. But I don’t know, it was weird. I studied with Ann, but I still got a B-minus.

Michael: Ann got you a B-minus?

George Michael: Well, it wasn’t Ann. She’s an expert in math. Isn’t that cute?

Michael: (really?) Is it?

Flash of Ann’s yearbook.
Her entry reads: Ann Paul Veal (Not Pictured) / Nickname: Egg / Activities: Math Club / Quote: “Were we supposed to have a quote?”

Narrator: Michael felt his son was setting the bar too low with his dating standards.

George Michael: (opens the refrigerator and takes a soda) No, it wasn’t Ann’s fault. You know, I think I just ended up thinking about the- (as he closes the fridge, notices blue paint in his hand from its handle) the questions too long, and then so by the time I put an answer down, I went with, like, my fifth choice... or something like that.

Michael: (not having listened, really) Oh, George Michael, never settle for fifth choice. Something better is gonna come along. She just has to.

George Michael: I think maybe sitting in the back of the class with Ann is a bad idea. You know, she’s just so pretty... (smiles goofily) I get distracted, I guess.

Michael: (really?) Do you?

George Michael: I wish I could draw her nose.

Michael: Maybe it’s your eyes. (George Michael looks at him confused) Maybe you need glasses. For your grades. Didn’t you say you had a hard time reading the board sitting in back?

George Michael: No, I said I was in the back of the classroom, but still, no, no...

Michael: Yeah, that’s what I mean, yeah?

George Michael: Well, I don’t know, maybe.

Michael: No, definitely. I’ll call the eye doctor. I’m going to set you up an appointment. Okay?

Michael starts walking away with the new plate of scrambled eggs he’s prepared.

Tobias: (comes up) Hey, gang.

Michael: (stopping in front of him) Tobias. (George Michael leaves)

Tobias: (taking the eggs) Oh, ooh... I’m afraid I’ll have to take ’em to go, I’m late for the gym. Oh, and also, here’s the number in case the Blue Man Group calls and needs an understudy. (hands him a piece of paper) I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn’t work.

Lindsay appears and talks in the hoarse voice she/we’ll suffer all through the episode.

Lindsay: Coincidentally, neither do you.

Michael: Pretty brave card for you to play. (Tobias leaves)

Lindsay: I just can’t stand it- Tobias staying in shape for a bunch of slutty gym rats.

Michael: What’s wrong with your voice?

Lindsay: Nothing. I’ve been going out. (pours herself some coffee)

Narrator: Lindsay had been frequenting singles clubs, also still hoping to make her open marriage work...

Flashback to Lindsay dancing wildly in a club, drink in hand.

Lindsay: Woo!

Narrator: Which it won’t.

Man #3: (approaching her) I didn’t catch that.

Lindsay: (in his face) Woo!

Freaked, the man retreats, and Lindsay stays alone in the dance floor.

Back to the present.

Lindsay: I wonder how many women he’s slept with, if any.

Michael: (putting stuff back in the fridge) Lindsay, it’s not a competition.

Lindsay: Of course it is, Michael. That’s why they call it “scoring.”

Michael: Maybe in the ’70s.

Lindsay: That many? We’ve only been doing this for a month.

Michael: You know, instead of competing with Tobias, why don’t you try just spending a little bit more time with your daughter?

Lindsay: Why? Tobias’s doing that?

Cut to the living room. The doorbell rings.

Narrator: At that moment, Lindsay’s daughter Maeby was in the process of wooing her own man.

Maeby: (coming down the stairs, big smile on her face) Who is it?

Steve Holt: (outside the door, raising his arms) Steve Holt!

Maeby opens the door. Steve Holt is there with his arms still in the air.

Narrator: Maeby had even started ordering unnecessary items just to have more occasions to see him.

Steve Holt: Uh, you ordered a (reading) “Memories of Thanksgiving” basket? (hands it to her)

Maeby: Wow, that looks great.

Lindsay: (approaches) Maeby, who’s your friend?

Steve Holt: Is this your sister?

Lindsay: (laughs coyly) No... but you just made my day. (approaches him at the door)

Maeby: Thank you for the basket. See you! (shuts the door in his face)

Lindsay: (singsong) He thinks I’m cu-ute. (smiles)

Maeby: He’s 19. He’s a senior at my high school. (hands her the basquet and leaves)

Narrator: And had been for several years.

Three different Steve Holt’s yearbook entries are shown, and in each picture he looks more and more deflated: 1) Name: Steve Holt / Nickname: Steve Holt! / Activities: Football / Quote: ‘I’m out of here!’; 2) “Steve Holt / Nickname: Steve Holt! / Activities: Drama / Quote: ‘See ya, suckers!’; 3) STEVE HOLT / Nickname: Steve Holt! / Activities: Food Services / Quote: ‘Study hard, guys - trust me.’

Lindsay: You know what? I think I am going to spend more time with my daughter. (hands Michael the basquet and leaves)

Michael: I can’t promise you I won’t tell the prosecutor about that. (looks at the basket in his hands, then looks up, having an idea)

Cut to Michael climbing into the attic with the basquet.

George, Sr.: Where you been?

Michael: Are you wearing my dead wife’s maternity clothes?

George, Sr.: Yeah, it’s the only thing I could find.

Michael hands the basket to George, Sr.

George, Sr.: Where are the eggs?

Michael: (sitting) Doctor says they’re bad for the baby.

George, Sr.: So, you ready for this new prosecutor?

Michael: Well, I was, until you came back.

George, Sr.: Hey, you’re not going to turn me in, are you? Because I had no idea there were sanctions against, uh, I-Iraq. You know?, they-they sent me over there. They said, “Go build.” I-I... (puts on his glasses to open a can) Do I look like a criminal mastermind to you? (struggling with the can) How do you get this ham open? I can... I can’t get this ham open.

Michael: I’m not going to turn you in, Dad, but you have put me in a position where I’m going to have to lie. Why’d you have to come back here in the first place?

George, Sr.: Oh, no reason- Your mother happens to be just shtupping my brother, that’s all. I’m only here to find out if I have a shot with her. If she’s really in love with Oscar, I don’t know, to hell with her- I’ll just... I’ll just leave. (pause, looks at Michael) I’ll never come back.

Michael: (quickly) Great. She’s really in love with him.

George, Sr.: That’s very funny. I need you to find out, okay? ’Cause ever since I-I heard about this, I can’t... sleep, I can’t... I can’t eat. (gets the can opened) Oh. Oh, look, it just peels off. Ain’t that clever? (looks at the “clever” system while Michael just looks on)

Cut to the optometrist’s.

Narrator: Later that day, George Michael was having his eye exam... and finding it to be just as difficult as his math exam.

Optometrist: (manipulating his machine) One or two?

George Michael: Two. No!, no, one.

Optometrist: (changing the lenses again) Okay, two... or three?

George Michael: Three! Unless three is too much of an improvement. I’m sorry, is one... is one in the mix still?

Cut to the Bluth Co. Michael, Barry, Jarvis and his male assistant, are having a meeting.

Narrator: And Michael met with the new prosecutor, Wayne Jarvis.

Michael: (stands) I’m sorry, I don’t understand how this is not a conflict of interest. I mean, you almost represented us and now you’re the prosecutor?

Wayne Jarvis: Patriot Act. Read it.

Michael: I-I’m not even the president anymore. My brother G.O.B. is.

Wayne Jarvis: I spoke with G.O.B. He appears to know nothing.

Michael: Yeah, that’s not an act. He’s twice tried to microwave a Ding Dong while it was still in its foil... twice. (goes back to his chair and sits down)

Wayne Jarvis: Twice?

Michael: Two times.

Flasback to Jarvis grilling G.O.B. in his office.

Narrator: In fact, G.O.B. had been grilled earlier.

G.O.B.: (seriously freaked) I don’t know anything about the business, I told you!

Wayne Jarvis: We’re going to get you, Bluth. We’ll give you a few minutes to think about what you want to do.

Jarvis and his assistant walk outside the office and wait by the door.

Wayne Jarvis: He knows less than anyone we’ve ever questioned. (his assistant nods)

Cut to inside G.O.B.’s office, where he is getting ready to hang himself using his belt.

Narrator: G.O.B. knew too little to know that, however, and his confidence had never been more shaken.

Wayne Jarvis and his assistant come back into the office...

Narrator: And just when he thought he couldn’t handle another embarrassment...

...to find G.O.B. standing on a chair with his pants down.

Wayne Jarvis: You’re free to go. (leaves)

Back to the present.

Wayne Jarvis: Things could get very messy for you, Michael, unless you have something to bargain with, like, say... a fugitive.

Michael: I don’t know where to find such a thing.

Wayne Jarvis: Well, look harder. There might be something in it for you.

Michael: (locking eyes with Jarvis) Something to get me off the hook?

Wayne Jarvis: If... you could find a certain someone.

Barry: Can I have a moment alone with my client, please? (Jarvis nods. To Michael, under his breath) Did you follow any of that?

Michael: (under his breath) Yeah, he’s hinting that he’s going to grant me immunity, but only on the condition that I turn in my father.

Barry: (under his breath) You know where your father is? No, wait, don’t tell me now. Okay, if you know, give me a high five. (holds up his hand)

Michael just looks at him and his hand, and shakes his head a little.

Fade to white.

Commercials.

Fade in from white.

Scene opens in the Bluth Co. kitchen. Michael paces as Barry puts something in the microwave and starts it.

Narrator: Michael had just found out that his legal problems might go away if he turned in his father.

Barry: (walking up to Michael, still under his breath) It’s just you and me now, huh? (holds up his hand)

Michael: (whispering) No, Barry, I... I know where my father is, okay? (Barry puts his hand down) He came back to make sure that my mother was really in love with my uncle. He wants to know if he’s still got a shot with her. If he doesn’t, he’s leaving.

Barry: Well, if he’s got a shot with her, just give me a little tap on the fanny.

Michael: It’s not gonna to happen.

Barry: Okay. Then look: just tell him anything he wants to hear to keep him from running. We just have to keep him here until we can hear what kind of deal they’re offering you. You just trust me. I’m a lot more competent than you can imagine.

The microwave beeps and there’s an explosion and fire inside it.

Barry: Oh, I forgot to take the tinfoil off, too. I really wanted that. (Michael just looks at him)

Cut to the model home’s kitchen. Buster talks with Tobias.

Narrator: Buster, meanwhile, was sharing his failure with someone who was well versed on the subject.

Buster: I mean, I couldn’t get over the wall. They put me on suspension until I can.

Michael: Well, perhaps you need to find somebody who can motivate you.

Buster: Yeah, but who?

Narrator: And then it hit him.

G.O.B. passes by behind Buster, slapping him over the back of the head.

Buster: Ah!

Flashback. A young Buster climbs to the top of a slide, but then shakes his head in fear, refusing to slide down.

On-screen title: overcoming fear of slide / 1986

At the bottom of the slide, a young G.O.B. waits for the young Buster with his fist over the slide.

Young G.O.B.: Do it!

Young Buster does it and is punched in the chest by Young G.O.B. on his way down.

Young Buster: Ahhh!

Young G.O.B.: Now, when you do this without getting punched in the chest, you’ll have more fun!

Young Buster: (pained) Thanks, brother.

Back to the present.

Buster: Hey, brother. How would you like to, uh, go to the old playground with me?

G.O.B.: I’m sure as hell not going back to work. I’m never going back there!

Tobias: Oh, well, then perchance I might be able to borrow your cellular telephone? (picks it up and shows it to him)

G.O.B.: (really down) I’m not fit to run a company, and I don’t deserve a fancy phone.

Tobias: Well, the Blue Man Group might need me, and I do deserve a fancy phone.

He throws the phone in the air...

Narrator: They didn’t,...

...but fails to catch it on its way down and it lands in the island’s small sink, from where he struggles to fish it out as G.O.B. just stares.

Narrator: ...and he doesn’t.

Cut to Michael driving the staircar.

Narrator: Michael knew he couldn’t let his father get away, so he decided to see if his mother and Oscar really were in love.

Cut to Michael and Lucille in her apartment’s kitchen.

Michael: So, come on, aren’t you really just dating Oscar to get back at Dad?

Lucille: (puring some tea in a cup) Um, it may have started as that, but I have fallen in love with Oscar. And it’s so nice not to have to worry about getting pregnant. The doctor said I couldn’t be a mother now if I tried.

Michael: And that was without even interviewing me.

They walk into the living room where Oscar sits on the couch.

Lucille: (approaching Oscar) Here you go: hot tea. (hands him the cup) Because that’s what you are: a hottie.

She smiles and leaves the room. Michael watches her go smiling back fakely.

Oscar: Stop me from pouring this on myself. I can’t take this anymore.

Michael: All right, now, listen, Oscar, maybe you should think about moving on, you know? I mean, this really isn’t your scene- the sweaters and the furniture. Maybe you should take a leap at freedom like my father, just run.

The rape horn blares.

Michael: Is that her rape horn?

Oscar: It’s more like a starter’s pistol.

Michael doesn’t say a word, and Oscar takes a sip from his tea with a trembling hand.

Michael: (whispers) Run.

Over his tea, Oscar looks at him. Lucille, “starter’s pistol” in hand, looks into the living room suspiciously. Her eyes narrow...

Narrator: Meanwhile, Tobias set about learning how to operate his new cellphone.

Cut to the model home bathroom. Tobias is in the tub with his cellphone. He pushes a button and it takes a picture as “The Final Countdown” -G.O.B.’s ringtone- begins playing. Then he turns the phone around and it takes another picture; however this time the flash dazzles him...

Tobias: Oh!

...and as he flinches, he drops the phone into the tub.

Narrator: And Lindsay tried to spend more time getting to know her daughter.

Cut to outside Maeby’s high school. Maeby is walking and talking with Steve Holt.

Lindsay: (cutting them off, hoarsely) Hi, Maeby. Oh, Steve, hi.

Steve Holt: Hi.

Maeby: What are you doing here?

Lindsay: I thought I’d spend a little time with my daughter. After all, hasn’t been that long since I’ve been in high school.

The bell rings.

Lindsay: (freaked) Is that a fire?!

Maeby: We have to go to class.

Lindsay: Okay. Well, uh, this was fun! (smiles) Maybe later we can all spend a little more time together, go shopping, (smiling to Steve Holt) get a drink. (he smiles back)

Maeby: I’m in school, and I’m 15.

Lindsay: Oh, well, I’m much, much, (getting in Steve’s Holt face) much older than 15.

Steve Holt: You don’t look it.

Lindsay: Oh, Steve! He thinks I’m young! You made my day again! (laughs hoarsely and then leaves waving at Maeby... and turning to look back at Steve Holt)

Moments later, Steve Holt and Maeby are climbing the stairs into the school.

Steve Holt: Your Mom’s pretty, uh, out there.

Maeby: She’s not my mom.

Steve Holt: But she said you were her daughter.

They stop climbing.

Maeby: His daughter. That’s my dad.

Steve Holt: That’s a dude?!

Maeby: And the worst part is he thinks he’s passing.

Steve Holt looks back at Lindsay in the distance and Maeby smiles.

Narrator: Right outside the school, Buster tried to put his own plan into action by stirring up old memories.

Cut to Buster and G.O.B. at some swings. Buster is sitting on one as G.O.B. drags his feet around.

Buster: So, what do you say? I need your help to get over the wall. Push me!

G.O.B.: I’m the pathetic one, Buster, not you. I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl. In a little dress. Little saddle shoes. Little pigtails.

Buster: Wow, that does sound like a little girl. (beat) Come on. Get my ire up! Push me! (self-conscious giggle. G.O.B. starts pushing him languidly) Oh. Oh, this is turning out to be much more fun than I’d hoped.

Narrator: It was fun, but it wasn’t making him a better soldier.

Buster: (giggling) Whoo. Push me higher. (giggling) I’ll do it. (giggling) Whoo!

And he does it on his own, ‘cause G.O.B. keeps doing no effort, just waving his arm back and forth languidly.

Narrator: And Michael reported to his father about his meeting with the prosecutor.

Cut to the model home attic. Michael climbs in.

George, Sr.: (stops reading his book) Prosecutor offer you a deal?

Michael: That was not said, but, uh, more importantly, you should know that it seems like Oscar’s on his way out.

George, Sr.: (beat) Really?

Michael: Yeah, so just sit tight, and everything should be fine.

George, Sr.: Wow. (as Michael starts descending) Hey, by the way, I broke this thing. (holds something up) What the hell is it, anyway?

Michael: That’s a breast pump, Dad.

George, Sr.: Oh, well, I did not use it for that.

He casually goes back to his book. Michael just stares.

Narrator: And so, Michael went to meet the prosecutor.

Cut to the Bluth Co. meeting room. Michael, Barry, Jarvis and his assistant are meeting again.

Wayne Jarvis: I felt obligated to share some photographs with you. I obtained these from the Bluth Company e-mail server.

Michael: You tapped into our e-mail? That’s legal? (looks at Barry)

Barry: I’m going for a hot Ding Dong. (to Jarvis’ assistant) Hot Ding Dong?

Jarvis’ assistant: (as he nods “Yes”) Hmm. (Barry leaves)

Wayne Jarvis: (showing him the pictures) Michael, this is a close-up satellite photograph of the Iraqi countryside. (points with a pointer) See this little series of hills around that stream? Those are bunkers. We believe that those bunkers contain weapons of mass destruction. We also think that your father was building on that land to hide them, which is why that photograph was on his e-mail.

Michael: Are you serious?

Wayne Jarvis: Almost always. I was once called the worst audience participant Cirque du Soleil ever had.

Michael: This is a big accusation.

Wayne Jarvis: Well, Michael, I did not find their buffoonery amusing.

Michael: About my father.

Wayne Jarvis: He’s guilty, Michael, of medium to heavy treason. (Michael examines the pictures) That proves it, and you can’t protect him. Turn him in, and immunity is yours. (Michael looks at him)

Cut to the model home. Michael is about to open the trap door into the attic.

Narrator: Michael returned home to confront his father.

Lindsay: (O.S.) Michael?

Michael: Yeah. (leaves the trap door alone)

Lindsay: (approaches) Mom was up here looking for you. She’s claiming Oscar’s disappeared because of something you said to him.

Michael: I can’t talk right now.

Lindsay: Really? What’s wrong with your voice?

Michael: (re-thinks his previous statement) I can talk- sure. I didn’t say anything to Oscar. Anything else?

Lindsay: (starts leaving) No. (stops) Oh, hey, did I tell you?, I accidentally ran into Steve Holt.

Flashback. Lindsay talks to Steve Holt at his workplace.

On-screen title: one day earlier...

Back to the present.

Lindsay: (smiling) We ended up making a lunch date.

Michael: I thought you were spending time with Maeby.

Lindsay: (jaded) Yeah, I have to reschedule her. (brightens up) But Mom isn’t the only one “finding love” where she least expects it- her words. (rolls her eyes)

Lindsay starts leaving again but now Michael stops her.

Michael: Whoa-whoa. “Finding love-”, she said that? Where, here?

Lindsay: Yeah, she won’t shut up about him. She said “tingling” like, 75 times.

Flashback. George, Sr. is spying through the air-vent to the living-room.

On-screen title: twenty minutes earlier...

Back to the present.

Michael: She said those words in this house? (briefly looks up)

Lindsay: (so?) Yeah.

Cut to Michael entering the attic.

Michael: Dad? Hello? (looks around, his dad is not there)

Fade to white.

Commercials.

Fade in from white.

Narrator: Michael had just discovered that his father had escaped from the attic.

In the attic, Michael dials his cell.

At Lucille’s apartment, the phone rings.

Lucille: (answering) Hello?

Michael: This gonna to sound like a strange question but have you seen Dad?

Lucille: Of course not. And I’m not talking to you. You tried to scare away Oscar, which didn’t work. He’s back.

George, Sr.: (disguised as Oscar, rises from the couch) I just, uh, I just wanna have sex with you. That’s-that’s all I’m good for.

Lucille: (proudly) Did you hear that? He said he just wants to-

Michael: Good-bye, Mom.

Lucille: (finishing quickly) ...have sex with me.

Michael hangs up.

At Lucille’s apartment, she goes to “Oscar” and hugs him as she takes a big breath.

Lucille: (takes a step back) You smell like a pine cone.

George, Sr.: Yeah, that’s the weed. I went to my-my (bleep)-hole trailer and, uh, I-I smoked some, like a cigarette.

Lucille: Should we take it into the bedroom?

George, Sr.: (beat as he clasps her hand) Only if you really love me. (kisses her hand)

Lucille: Of course I do.

She smiles broadly and starts leading him to the bedroom, but “Oscar” looks dejected and goes in another direction.

George, Sr.: Oh... (throws some pictures off the top of the piano)

Lucille: What’s wrong with you?! Where are you going?!

George, Sr.: (going to the door) I’m on mushrooms! I’m on bad... (leaves, from outside the door) mushrooms!

Lucille gives her signature suspicious look, then looks to her side.

Narrator: And soon the prosecutor’s evidence became public.

Flash of Fox 6 News

On-sceen title: We knew it!

Lucille returns her suspicious gaze to her door.

Narrator: It seems that due to the new information sharing provisions in the Patriot Act,...

Flash of Michael, Barry, Jarvis and his assistant meeting at the Bluth Co. Jarvis angrily lays the pictures on the table in front of Michael.

Narrator: ...the photos had made the rounds through several branches of government,...

Flash of the FBI ACADEMY sign.

Flash of a man carrying the pics through a long hallway.

Narrator: ...and ultimately, to the US Army itself.

Cut to Buster at the Army, G.O.B. following him. Buster approaches Sergeant Baker who’s at the wheel of an army truck.

Buster: I just came back to tell you I can’t do that wall.

Sergeant Baker: There’s no time for that. We’re shipping out without you.

Buster: What?

Sergeant Baker: Didn’t you see? (hands him the pictures)

Buster: Weapons of... mass destruction?

G.O.B.: Those bastards!

Sergeant Baker: I did not say that.

G.O.B.: Are you going to let that slide? Are you going to allow your children, and your children’s children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?! (walks to the wall) Climb that wall, homo! (strikes an encuraging forceful pose)

Sergeant Baker: Climb it.

Narrator: And just as the men thought the day could get no more surprising,...

Buster hands the pictures back to his Sergeant, drops his bag on the floor and with a determined look runs to the wall and climbs it with an agonized grunt.

Narrator: ...it did.

As he falls on the other side, G.O.B. hits him on the chest. Buster falls with a thud and then moans.

G.O.B.: (looking down on him and smiling) Now, when you do this without getting punched, you’ll have more fun.

Cut to outside Maeby’s and George Michael’s high school. George Michael is looking at his math test.

Maeby: (approaches) Oh. Hey, George Michael.

George Michael: (lowers his new glasses to look at her) Oh. Hi. (adjusts them back)

Maeby: They found WMDs in Iraq, so we got a half day.

George Michael: Cool. So, I got a “C” on my math test. Not anticipating a good reaction on that.

Maeby: Well, the “B” got you glasses. Maybe this time you’ll get a neck brace. (George Michael looks at her) Anyways, have you seen my Mom?

George Michael: (pause as he looks out, not seeing much) Seems possible...

Maeby: She’s on her way to meet Steve Holt.

George Michael: Steve Holt? I thought you liked him.

Maeby: I do, I’m crazy about him.

Reveal Lindsay eavesdropping from behind a column.

Maeby: (O.S.) But he’s obsessed with her. That’s all he wants to talk about.

Narrator: Lindsay felt bad. Perhaps she had hurt her daughter by putting herself first. But she would have felt worse if she’d remained even a moment longer.

Lindsay leaves.

Maeby: But it’s only because he thinks she’s got a penis. Oh, I told him she was a tranny. (George Michael reflects on that)

Narrator: Meanwhile, Michael was still up in the attic.

Cut to Michael still in the attic. George, Sr. enters.

Michael: Dad! What’s going on? Somebody could see you.

George, Sr.: (takes off his cap) What’s the difference, Michael? (takes off his “Oscar” wig) You’re turning me in, aren’t you?

Michael: They say you’re involved in something real big, Dad. They’ve got photos.

George, Sr.: It’s not true, but go, knock yourself out, turn me in. I went and saw for myself and see, uh... she’s in love with him.

He smiles sadly and goes to his “bed” in a corner. Michael goes to sit by him.

Michael: Then why’d you come back? Why didn’t you just leave forever like you said?

George, Sr.: And go where? (sighing) Make a deal for yourself, Mike. I have no love in my life anymore. (lays down facing the wall... which is actually the roof)

Narrator: And Michael realized for the first time that his father was capable of having his heart broken.

Michael sits in silence, reflecting.

Narrator: Later that day, Michael had his meeting with the prosecutor.

Cut to the Bluth Co. meeting room, and yet another meeting of our usual meeting characters.

Wayne Jarvis: So, where the hell is he?! Come on, Bluth, (slams the table) what’s it going to be- your father or your freedom?

Narrator: And Michael had to do the right thing.

Michael: (shaking his head) I don’t know what happened to him.

Wayne Jarvis: (pause) Michael, when we started talking to you, we didn’t have anything. But now... (slams the pictures on the table in front of him) we got something. And you’re going to do time for it. (hits the pictures with his finger)

Barry: (pointing) Those are the pictures?

Wayne Jarvis: They’re all over the news.

Barry: (tilting his head for a better look) Those are balls.

Wayne Jarvis: What?

Barry: Yeah.

Flashback to the bathroom scene. Tobias takes pictures...

Narrator: Barry was right. Tobias had inadvertently photographed himself while learning to use his camera phone.

Back to the present.

Barry: (looking at a picture he’s picked up) This close, they always look like landscape. Nope, you’re looking at balls.

Barry turns it around for all to see. They all lean in looking at the different pictures.

Narrator: Soon, forensic scientists confirmed this.

Flash of the Pentagon.

On-screen title: The Pentagon / Situation Room

Narrator: And for the second time in two days, the information sharing network put into place by the Patriot Act was put to use.

Flash of a man carrying a report down a hallway.

Cut to the Pentagon’s Situation Room, where a marine takes the report to the Chairman.

Chairman: (reading the report) They’re balls? (reaches for the phone)

Cut to two airborne fighters.

Chairman: (O.S.) We’re looking at balls. Let’s turn it around.

Pilot: (O.S.) Copy on the balls. We are turning.

The fighters turn around.

Narrator: And eventually, the news traveled back to the source.

Cut to Tobias excercising at the gym while he watches TV, where Fox 6 News is back on again.

On-screen title: We Blew It!

John Beard: We got one wrong, and we do apologize.

Angle back on Tobias, who suddenly stops excersising and looks between his legs as he recognizes “himself” on the small screen.

Tobias: (looking back at the screen) I’m on TV.

Cut to the model home. Michael enters.

Narrator: And Michael returned home a free man.

Michael: You got the glasses! Now you’ll do better on those math exams.

George Michael: I think I blew the eye exam too, because every time I take these off, I feel better.

Michael: (leaving his briefcase and a Time magazine on a counter) Let me see them. (examines the glasses)

We see the Time cover. It features one of the infamous pictures and a big title beneath that reads: WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

Flashback to Tobias and George Michael in the room they shared before in the model home.

Narrator: For a while, George Michael had shared a room with his Uncle Tobias.

George Michael is reading in his bottom bunker bed as Tobias, in his cut-offs, struggles to climb to the top bunker bed.

George Michael: Uh, there’s a ladder.

Tobias: (grunting) Oh, I don’t need it. Ahh!

And a freaked George Michael gets a sneak preview of what the future pictures will look like...

Back to the present.

Michael: Yeah, I don’t think you need glasses, son. (drops the glasses and takes the magazine for his son, turning it over)

Cut to the attic. George, Sr. stands as Michael enters. Now he’s wearing some other Tracy’s maternity clothes. This particular blouse reads: BUN IN THE OVEN

George, Sr.: Uh, if the cops are waiting, I’m ready to go. I got nothing since your mother deserted me.

Michael: You know, you-you deserted her, Dad. You know, you-you escaped and then you faked your death. I’m not so sure she sees you as that reliable. (George, Sr. closes his eyes and nods) But listen, for what it’s worth... I did not turn you in.

George, Sr.: You didn’t?

Michael: No.

Michael: And I don’t know whether it’s just Tracy’s maternity clothes, but it’s very nice to see a softer side of you.

Michael: Although I’m sorry that you feel you have no love in your life.

George, Sr.: Well, I don’t feel that way anymore. (approaches Michael, touches his chin) Thanks. (hugs him) It’s been a long time since someone stood up for me. (kisses him in the side of the head and Michael pats him in the back)

Michael: You found her perfume, huh?

George, Sr.: There was just a little left in the bottle.

Michael: (breaking the hug) That was the end of it.

George, Sr.: Oh.

Michael: It’s nice on you.

George, Sr.: Thank you.

Michael leaves.

Fade to the white: on the next... arrested DEVELOPMENT title screen.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Oscar returns to find a now distant Lucille...

Cut to Lucille’s apartment. Lucille has put back the pictures on the piano and is now polishing one of George, Sr.

Oscar: (enters) I’m back. But just for now, ’cause you get on my case, (gestures with his hands) Pheeuh! I am out of here. (turns and starts walking away from her)

Lucille: Then go. Who needs you?

Narrator: ...which was what attracted him to her in the first place.

Oscar: (stops in his tracks, turns and goes to hug her) God, I missed you!

Lucille looks uncomfortable and doesn’t hug him back.

Narrator: Lindsay reconciles with her daughter.

Cut to Lindsay in the model house’s kitchen.

Maeby: (approaches) Hey, Mom.

Lindsay: Hey.

Maeby: (handing her a small bag) I got you something.

Lindsay: That is so sweet. You know what?, I was hoping we could go to dinner tonight.

Maeby: Oh, I thought you were going to go see Steve Holt at school.

Lindsay: Nah, I just wanted to check him out and make sure he’s good enough for my daughter. (smiles)

Maeby smiles too, maybe a little ashamed.

Lindsay takes the present out of its baggy. It’s a little lilac T-shirt that reads: Shémale

Lindsay: (puts it over her chest) Is it...?

Maeby: It’s a “Sheh-ma-lee.”

Lindsay: It’s gorgeous! I’m wearing it to dinner.

Lindsay leaves with it. Maeby smiles, but she ain’t happy or proud.

Narrator: Tobias, traumatized by the public exposure, returns to an unfortunate quirk.

Cut to the attic. Tobias is there rummaging through a box.

Tobias: Thank God- my cutoffs!

He takes a bunch of ‘em and leaves.

A moment later, George, Sr. appears from behind some boxes in a corner, wearing another maternity dress.

George, Sr.: There were cutoffs up here?

Fade to white.

Closing titles.