Fade in from white.

Narrator: Michael was adjusting to his new position as vice-president, which meant doing the work of the President, his brother G.O.B.

Michael is working in his “office”. G.O.B. comes in, magazine in hand.

G.O.B.: Michael.

Michael: Hey.

G.O.B.: So, did you see the new Poof?

Michael: (stands, closes the door) His name’s Gary. And we don’t need any more lawsuits, okay?

G.O.B.: No, I was talking about the magazine. (shows him his Poof magazine. Beat) Wait, Gary’s gay?

Michael: Yeah.

G.O.B.: Uh-oh. He’s going to think I was coming on to him.

Flashback. Gary is licking the glue of some envelopes before closing them. G.O.B. watches while holding the next envelope.

G.O.B.: You’ve got a nice mouth.

Cut to another flashback. Gary is shelving stuff in the Bluth Co. kitchen, climbed on some steps. G.O.B. watches and eats cookies.

G.O.B.: I’d kill for that ass.

Cut to another flashback. G.O.B. sits in his office rocking on his chair with Gary on his lap.

G.O.B.: Okay, the chair’s not doing it now, but lately it’s been giving out as soon as I lean back.

Back to the present. G.O.B. follows Michael out of his office.

G.O.B.: Anyway, I was talking about Poof magazine. The magazine for magicians.

Michael: Yeah.

G.O.B.: Look, this guy Tony Wonder bakes himself into a loaf of bread, and then pops out of a giant sandwich to feed the troops.

Flash of a B&W photo of Tony Wonder popping out.

G.O.B.: I had that idea ten months ago.

Michael: You had that idea?

G.O.B.: Well, basically. I was going to boil myself alive into a chowder and then be ladled into a giant cauldron to entertain and feed the firemen.

Michael: It’s pretty close.

G.O.B.: I should be in this Poof!

The poof, who’s been entering the scene in the background, turns around and walks away.

The telephone rings. Michael answers it, using the speaker.

Michael: Michael Bluth.

Cut to Lucille’s apartment. Lucille’s on the phone while Oscar does some Tai-Chi or something behind her... in an open robe.

Lucille: He found him. Ice found your father.

Flash of the yellow pages, where we see Ice’s bounty hunter ad.

Narrator: Michael had recently hired a bounty hunter to track down his fugitive father.

Michael: (hurriedly picking up the receiver) What? Where?

Lucille: He’s coming over here at 5:00 to tell us, but he wants to get paid first.

Michael: Oh, Dad goes back to jail, I can be cleared, I could be President again.

G.O.B.: And I’m halfway to getting out of this office and into a steaming bowl of soup.

Michael: Everybody wins.

G.O.B.: Yeah. (walks away)

Lucille: (looking at Oscar’s “parts”. Re: his robe) Oscar, close it! You look like the window of a butcher shop.

Lucille turns around and the camera shows Oscar full frontal... though the blue spot makes its return to keep the show PG-13.

Lucille: (to Michael, under her breath) Thank God, I can finally get rid of him.

Michael: I’ll see you at 5:00, Mom.

Narrator: Michael then headed down to the frozen banana stand where his son was supposed to be working.
Cut to the banana stand. It is closed, with a “The frozen banana maker is OUT” sign like Lucy’s psychiatry stand. George Michael and Ann are sitting at a table right in front of the stand, having some refreshments.

Ann 2.0: It just seems like every time we want to be together, your father...

Michael: (arrives in his bicycle) Hey, guys. What’s going on? Why is the banana stand closed?

George Michael: Oh, Ann came to see me, so I thought I’d take a little break. (Michael nods) Can we talk about this later?

Michael: Sure, no problem. Just... let’s keep the phone on, okay, pal? Great. (to Ann) Hey, you! (leaves)

George Michael turns his cell on.

Ann 2.0: See? That’s a perfect example of how your father always interrupt...

George Michael’s cell phone buzzes.

George Michael: I’m sorry. (picks it up. Beat. Into his cell phone) Hello?

Michael: (riding his bicycle) Hey, buddy, they found your grandfather. That’s what I wanted to tell you.

George Michael: Yeah, that’s great.

Michael: I didn’t want to say that before when you were talking to Egg.

George Michael: I’m actually still talking with Ann.

Michael: Oh, she’s still going, huh? All right, great. Listen, I’ll talk to you later. I’m very excited.

George Michael: (hangs up, smiles) That’s good. (looks at Ann)

Ann 2.0: I think we should break up.

George Michael’s smile fades and then, suddenly, he breaks up crying, startling Ann.

Narrator: The bounty hunter, meanwhile, was eager to impress the family attorney.
Cut to Lucille’s apartment. Ice is catering the meeting.

Barry: (eagerly eating Ice’s food) I cannot believe that you made these.

Narrator: Indeed, Ice had always bounty hunted to support his first love: party planning.

Flash of the yellow pages. Now we see Ice’s second ad, which reads: PARTY PLANNER / ICE / 1-800-I-CE38 / You can’t have a party without ICE. / (See also: BOUNTY HUNTER)

Narrator: And Lindsay was still hoping to score a date with him.
As Ice serves, Lindsay stands in front of him.

Lindsay: (smiles) I don’t suppose you’d be interested in... catering an “affair” with me. (giggles)

Ice: Well, when you get a full guest list, let me know. (walks on)

Lindsay: (to herself) Why can’t I do this anymore? (walks away)

In the background, Maybe and Tobias have seen everything.

Maeby: That’s got to bother you, huh, Dad? I mean, she’s flirting right in front of you.

Tobias: Hmm? Oh. No. I am surprised, though, that she’s going after somebody so similar to my own type, hmm. But I suppose we all do expose our inner desires, don’t we?

Maeby: I think you just did.

Tobias: No, I didn’t. (walks away)

Maeby: (sits beside Barry) Is there any way I can divorce them?

Barry: (still eating heartily) Oh, sure. It’s called “emancipation”. But you’ve got to prove that you’re living in an unstable environment.

Maeby: Both my parents are trying to have affairs. Of course they haven’t succeeded yet.

Barry: If they do, I could have you out of this house, on the street in a month.

Maeby: Sweet!

Barry: Mm-hmm.

Narrator: Soon Michael arrived and Ice began his presentation.

Cut to a little later. Everybody is in the living-room listening to Ice, who’s standing in front of them.

Ice: When word got out that he was building houses for Saddam Hussein, he escaped to Mexico, where as you know, he was arrested, and interred in a local prison until he was killed by this guard. (shows them the guard’s picture) Body was held for six days within the prison walls, when...

Michael: I’m sorry- sorry... he killed a guard?

Ice: No, the guard killed him. He’s dead. Buried in Mexico.

Lucille screams and covers her mouth. Oscar is startled.

Michael: H-hold on, how do we know this is true?

Ice: (getting files from his briefcase and handing them to Michael) Because I have here his dental records, his death certificate... and a political cartoon from a leading Mexican publication.
Michael holds the dental records and passes the newspaper to G.O.B. beside him.
Shot of the cartoon in the newspaper El Guardián. It’s caption reads Frito Bandito, and it shows George Sr. being dipped into a Cornballer by a hand that’s labeled MEXICO. Beneath the cartoon there’s an articule which headline reads: La ciudad demanda la corona de los deportes

Ice: (picking up, leaving) Okay... again, I’m a caterer, so if you do have any family events... weddings, wakes... I’ll leave my card. (leaves it on a table by the door andgoes out the door)

Lucille: Is it true? Is he really gone? (tugs on Oscar’s hair)

Oscar: Ow.

Lucille: Just checking.

Lindsay: (looking at the dental records) These are his teeth. He had such perfect teeth. It was that Glisten.

G.O.B.: He swore by that Glisten.

Lindsay: I can still hear him now... “Who left the cap off my (bleep)ing Glisten?!” (breaks up in tears, Tobias puts a hand on her shoulder)

Lucille: It’s all hitting me now. (stands) This is really happening. (getting progresively upset, though probably just faking it) All this awful funeral stuff. The will, we have to get the will. I don’t know if enough time has passed. I don’t know what I’m saying. Is it in your car, Barry? I’m gonna throw up! Check the car, Barry. I don’t know what I’m saying!

Barry: The will is not here, the will is at my office, uh, next to the hot plate with the frayed wires. I didn’t, uh... (muttering)

Narrator: In fact, Barry had lost George Sr.’s will.

Barry: ...how did I get here? (fakes being upset too) Oh, my God, Lucille, he is gone!

Maeby: We have to have a wake.

Narrator: Maeby was upset, but saw a chance to fix up her mother.

Maeby: I don’t know, maybe we can get Ice to cater it or something. I don’t know what I’m saying!

Lindsay: We don’t even have a body.

G.O.B.: I will be my father’s body. (Michael looks at him) I will be the one buried. Because he loved magic so very much.

Michael: I don’t think G.O.B. knows what he’s saying.

G.O.B.: I know exactly what I’m saying. (stands) I will be buried in my father’s place, and then one week later I will emerge from the grave in one of the greatest illusions ever!

Tobias looks at him with a stupid admiring smile on his face.

Michael: This is all about getting into Poof?

G.O.B.: I mean, how does that not get me a cover?

The sound of keys jangling is heard. Lucille looks at the door.

Lucille: Buster! (to the others) We can’t tell him about this!

Oscar: (stands and goes to her) I think the boy’s been lied to enough.

Lucille: You weren’t here for the parakeet, Oscar.

Flashback to Buster as a child wearing his Milford Academy polo shirt and glasses, and looking at his caged parakeet. Now he reaches into the cage to grab it...

Narrator: As a child, Buster had a beloved parakeet...

...but the bird escapes and we are shown exactly what the Narrator narrates.

Narrator: who, after landing on their housekeeper Rosa’s wig, flew away when she took out the trash... and into a transformer.

The parakeet gets zapped off screen, but we can hear it happening.

Cut to little Buster coming to check on his parakeet, who’s dead in its cage.

Narrator: When Buster found out,...

Cut to little Buster destroying the kitchen. Then he looks up and runs off.

Narrator: ...he destroyed the family’s kitchen, believing this to be where Rosa lived.

Back to the present.

Buster enters the apartment and picks up Ice’s card.

Buster: (looks up and is surprised to see everybody there) Whoa. (stops short)

Lucille: What are you doing home?

Buster: The Army had half a day. (Lucille’s eyes narrow with suspicion) Are you guys planning a party?

Oscar: Yes, it’s, uh, it’s your father’s birthday, which coincidentally is... my birthday. (Lucille rolls her eyes as the significant music sounds)

Buster: Because you’re twins. (chuckles. The music ends abruptly) Well, I’ve got some shopping to do. (laughes)
Cut to George Michael walking the very dejected Charlie Brown walk, while “Christmas Time Is Here” plays. First he walks past two men carrying a sad Christmas tree, reminiscent of the tree in “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, and then he walks by a dog laying on its doghouse, very Snoopy-like.

Narrator: George Michael, meanwhile, had just been broken up with by his first girlfriend, and was on his way home.
Cut to George Michael entering the model home.

Narrator: And he went to his father for comfort.

George Michael: Dad? (drops headlong face down on the floor)

Michael: (approaches his son) I’ve got some bad news.

George Michael: (straightening up a little) What? What, is Ann telling everyone?

Michael: (sits on the floor beside him) It’s your grandfather. Apparently he’s dead.

George Michael: Are you okay?

Michael: Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Uh, sorry. What were you saying about Ann?

Narrator: George Michael didn’t want to burden his father with his breakup.

George Michael: Nothing. I just... I broke up with her. It’s no big deal.

Michael: (barely repressing his joy) Really? Are you okay?

George Michael: Me?

Michael: Mm-hmm.

George Michael: (standing) I’m great!

Michael: (stands too) Yeah?

George Michael: I’m great.

Michael: Good. Yeah. She wasn’t for us.

George Michael: No, she’s a great girl.

Michael: For those other guys.

George Michael: You think there are other guys?

Michael: I don’t know what I’m saying. Come here. (hugs him, but George Michael doesn’t look reassured at all)

Cut to Buster coming down some stairs.

Buster: Hey, brother. You wanted to see me?

G.O.B.: (lying in a coffin) Buster, yeah. I need you to help me with this illusion that I’m working on.

Buster: Oh, for Dad’s birthday?!

G.O.B.: Yeah... for Dad’s birthday. (gets out of the coffin) So, look, I’m gonna get in this coffin, and what I’m going to need you to do is to spin it around (demonstrates) to show everybody that there’s no trap door. Then I’m going to escape out the trap door. (opens it)

Buster: Uh-uh-uh!

G.O.B.: You close the trap door. (closes it) Bring in the pallbearers and bury an empty box.

Buster: So, it’s a hoax. (G.O.B. just smiles) But why are you doing a coffin trick on Dad’s birthday?

G.O.B.: (freezes for a beat) Black humor. Say: “Hey, Dad. Look at you. You’re a year older... and a year closer to death.” (tears up a little, hangs his head)

Buster: Oh, yeah, I guess that’s kind of funny. Okay, but you have to do a favor for me. (walks up to G.O.B.) I’m not really in the Army. And I told Mom I was, but I can’t go to a family event without an Army uniform.

G.O.B.: Oh, yeah. I used to be a stripper.

Buster: Strippers don’t wear clothes.

G.O.B.: Not at the end of the show.

Buster: You mean, you can wear stripper clothes when you’re not stripping?

G.O.B.: (ripping his pants off in a single pull) You tell me.

Dumbfounded, Buster just stares.

Cut to George Michael walking the Charlie Brown walk through an empty lot.

Narrator: George Michael went for a walk in the adjoining lot to grieve both losses in private.

George Michael trips on something on the floor and almost falls.

Narrator: And he made an interesting discovery.

Now George Michael digs a little with his hands and finds a small rug he pulls aside. Beneath it he finds some kind of box closing a hole in the ground, and he pulls it out and away. And through the resulting open hole he sees something really amazing underground...

George Michael: Pop-Pop?

George, Sr.: (unkempt longish hair and beard) Hide me. Don’t turn in Pop-Pop. Help Pop-Pop.

George Michael looks back up checking for anyone around. Then looks back into the hole in the ground.

Fade to white.

Commercials.

Fade in from white.

Narrator: George Michael snuck his grandfather into the attic and helped him clean up.

In the attic, George Michael is examining his Pop-Pop mouth, pinlight and tongue-depressor in hand.

George Michael: Wow, they’re perfect.

George, Sr.: Years of brushing with Glisten. (stands) Listen, uh... you can’t tell anybody I’m up here. You have to protect me.

George Michael: Yeah, I know. I just cannot tell my father.

George, Sr.: I’m your grandfather. And I went through hell to get here.

Narrator: He had. After being arrested, he found a loophole in the Mexican judicial system.

Flashback to a Mexican jail. Two Mexican policemen enter George Sr.’s cell. George Sr., still with short hair and no beard, is wrapped in a blanket and sitting on the floor. As the policemen grab him to lift him up and take him away, he pulls out some money.

George, Sr.: Hands off. I have money.

The policemen stop and look at each other.

Narrator: The Mexican authorities even attempted to fake his funeral.

Cut to a Mexican street. Some Mexican men are carrying a coffin. But someone trips and the coffin falls to the floor and breaks apart. The George Sr. dummy that was inside also breaks, revealing itself as a piñata as candy spill on the floor. Some Mexican kids throw themselves over the candy.

Narrator: Although it was a less than perfect deception.

Back to the present.

George, Sr.: Anyway... I was out and halfway down to Panama and I saw something in a local paper.

Flashback to George Sr., dressed in his Mexican outfit, reading a paper over some Mexican man’s shoulder.

Tight on the Spanish newspaper El Guardián article. It has the headline: Eso Americano Loco, a picture of Lucille over Oscar at the beach, and the caption: Esto es por lo cual notrotros cruzamos corriendo las autopistas.

Narrator: What he saw was a story about his wife giving mouth-to-mouth to a homeless man. But he knew the truth: she was kissing his brother.

Cut to George Sr. doing the sad Charlie Brown walk while “Christmas Time is Here” plays.

Back to the present.

George Michael: I understand what that feels like. I was dumped today. And the bad part is, I can’t even tell my dad how upset I am about it, because he’ll think that I should just be upset about you.

George, Sr.: He wouldn’t be wrong.

George Michael: Well...

George, Sr.: Seems like we’re going through the same thing. I don’t know, why don’t we keep each other’s secrets? (taps him on the chest, points him out)

George Michael: Yeah... Okay. (starts leaving)

George, Sr.: Listen, if you pass a mini-mart, Pop-Pop gets a treat? (smiles)

George Michael: Yeah. (leaves)

Narrator: And the next morning, Michael ran into his son doing something suspicious.

Cut to George Michael opening the attic’s trap door, just as Michael comes out of his room. He lets it shut immediately.

Michael: Morning.

George Michael: Hi.

Michael: Where are you going with that food?

George Michael carries a tray with eggs and ice cream sandwiches.

George Michael: I was just gonna... eat some of my grandfather’s favorite foods in my room. That’s the form that my grief is taking.

Michael says nothing and George Michael walks on. Michael looks up to the trap door.

Cut to Michael walking into the kitchen. A teary-eyed Lindsay is there.

Michael: I think George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.

Lindsay: (scoffs) From who, the Nazis?

Michael: (getting some coffee) No: his girlfriend, from me. I just caught him sneaking up to her in the attic. And he clearly did so because he thinks I don’t approve. You know?, I think I’m going to invite her to the wake. (reflects) Why make him hide? Why do to him what...? (beat as he notices Lindsay’s teary face) Why do to him what Dad used to do to me?

Lindsay: (cries) He was so amazing!

Michael: That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was. Boy, you’re really going through something here, huh? (hands her a tissue)

Lindsay: I know! You know?, it’s funny, all those years when I pretended to cry I used to use Dad’s death to get me going. I tried it with Mom’s but I’d just end up smiling and ruining it. But it feels, like, real, you know? (stands, puts a hand on Michael’s arm) You haven’t really allowed yourself to grieve much at all, Michael.

Michael: My relationship with Dad was much more, (hands her another tissue) uh, much more complicated than yours. It was predicated a lot on secrets and lies. There wasn’t a whole lot of, uh, trust there, you know?

Lindsay: (nods) Mm-hmm.
Behind Michael, Tobias, who had been getting some coffee for himself, jumps in.

Tobias: (mocking) Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. (mocks a tough walk) “I’m not going to cry about my Pa. I’m going to build an airport- put my name on it.” (touches Michael’s neck, he cringes) Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? (walks to the fridge) You can keep them bottled up but they will come out, Michael. Sometimes in the most unexpected... (opens the fridge door) Hey, where the (bleep) are my hard-boiled eggs?! (slams the fridge door closed)

Michael and Lindsay just look at him without saying a word.
Tobias walks away doing the sad Charlie Brown walk, as “Christmas Time is Here” plays.

Narrator: Meanwhile, G.O.B. was preparing for the illusion of being buried alive.

Cut to a laborer picking up his stuff near a hole in the ground.

G.O.B.: (poking out of the hole) Boy, you sure got this hole dug out quick.

Narrator: In fact, the laborer had been hired by George, Sr. three days earlier for the same hole.

As the laborer smiles and continues picking up, in the background G.O.B. tries unsuccessfully to come out of the hole.

Narrator: And Buster searched for the perfect card.
Cut to Buster in a card shop. There’s a George W. Bush punching bag in the background too.

Buster: (picking a card from the HUMOROUS rack, reading it) “Someone wanted to send you a birthday greeting” (opens it, there’s a drawing of the Grim Reaper inside saying...) “See you soon!” Oh, that is wicked. (chuckles)

Narrator: And soon, the wake that Ice had catered began.

Cut to the model home. The wake is at full swing. Everybody is dressed very elegantly but Lindsay, who’s just in her sweat pants and T-shirt.

Maeby: (stopping her mother) What are you doing? Is this what you’re wearing?

Lindsay: My father’s dead, Maeby.

Maeby: Yeah, but you’re not! And Ice is right there. (points behind herself)

Narrator: Maeby knew that if she could get her mother to have an affair, she could emancipate.

Maeby: All Pop-Pop ever wanted was to see you with another man besides Daddy.

Lindsay: (brightening up) You’re right. You know what?: I’m going to throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud. (turns and walks away)

Maeby: Wait a minute, let me ask Barry. (brightening up too) That might be enough right there. (walks away too)

Cut to the attic. George Sr. (who’s cut his hair and shaved his beard and is wearing a yellow Banana Stand shirt) spies on his wake through a little opening at floor level, as George Michael enters with a tray of hors d'oeuvres and sits down on the floor beside him.

George, Sr.: Is Oscar wearing my suit? (pointing through the opening) Hey, you-you tell my brother you don’t wear dead man’s pants. Shame on him. And you-you say that to him. You say, you say: (pointing with his finger) “Shame on you.”

George Michael: Okay.

George, Sr.: Say it to me like you’re going to say it to him.

George Michael: (smiles, beat) I’m probably not going to say it to him.

George, Sr.: Okay. (goes back to spying through the opening and George Michael does too) Look at her, look at her down there. Does she look sad to you?

George Michael: Oh, my God, that’s Ann.

George, Sr.: Who?

George Michael: It’s the girl who ripped my heart out. The girl whose face will always be etched in my mind.

George, Sr.: (beat) Her?

George Michael looks at his Pop-Pop, who just pats him on the shoulder.

George Michael: She’s really funny.

George, Sr.: (nods) Well, let’s hope so.

George Michael stands and leaves quickly.

George, Sr.: (O.S.) Don’t forget the chicken wings!

Cut to downstairs as Michael runs into Ann.

Michael: Hey, Ann, you’re here! That’s great. I wasn’t sure whether you got my message.

Ann 2.0: It wasn’t a message. We talked.

Michael look clearly denotes he doesn’t remember. George Michael comes up behind Ann.

George Michael: But, Ann... (she turns around a little startled) did Dad invite you?

Michael: I just figured life’s too short. You two seem to care for each other. Why throw that away, huh? Huh? (looks at both of them) Okay.

Ann looks at George Michael for a beat and then walks off as father and son look on.

George Michael: (smiling, really hopeful) You think we really do?

Michael: A father can tell, okay? It’s as Ann as the nose on Plain’s face.

George Michael just keeps smiling goofily.

Narrator: And Buster arrived, dressed in the military outfit G.O.B. had procured for him.

Cut to Buster entering the model home in some kind of stripper military outfit. Totally ridiculous.

Michael: What the hell are you wearing?

Buster: It’s all regulation, Michael. To get the top right, the pants had to be a little snug. (Michael just looks him over dumbfounded) Is there a birthday gift pile, hmm? (smiling, he shows him his card. It’s envelope reads DAD)

Michael: A birthday gift pile? (Michael takes a beat)

Narrator: Michael recalled what Buster did to what he thought was Rosa’s car with what he thought was Rosa’s favorite toy.

Flashback to little Buster running onto the curb and throwing a dust buster at a bus.

SOMEONE IN THE BUS, PROBABLY IT’S DRIVER: (O.S.) Hey!

The dust buster shaters and little Buster just stares at the leaving bus.

Back to the present.

Michael: (envelope in hand) Yours is the first.

Buster: (points at it) And the most wicked! (giggles as Michael examines the envelope)

Angle on G.O.B. Lucille approaches him.

Lucille: (looking at Buster) Get him out of here. We can’t let him know it’s a wake!

Angle back on Michael and Buster. G.O.B. approaches them.

G.O.B.: Buster, let’s go get that coffin ready to be buried.

They both laugh and then G.O.B. takes Buster out.

Narrator: And so the family gathered to remember George, Sr.

Cut to a little later. Everyone’s in silence listening to Michael.

Michael: If anyone would like to say anything about Dad, now’s the time. (long beat, nobody speaks up and Barry eats) Anyone?

Flash of George Sr. spying in the attic.

George, Sr.: Anyone?

Michael: Perhaps my son, George Michael, would like to say something, huh? Want to share your feelings? (puts a hand on his son’s shoulder)

George Michael stands. Michael starts moving away the center of the room, and as he passes George Michael, he tells him under his breath:

Michael: It’s okay to cry, pal. It’s okay.

George Michael: Yeah. (to everybody) Wow, he’s really gone. (beat. Oscar and Tobias nod and hang their heads) But, you know what?, I think that if he was here right now, I would probably tell him that it all worked out. And that, um... (cries out, looking up) I’ll be bringing you some salmon rolls right away! (trying to cover it up) In heaven.

Flash of George Sr. spying in the attic.

George, Sr.: How many times I got to tell this kid “chicken wings”? (holds his head in his hands for a beat, then goes back to spying)

Narrator: Lindsay got up to speak in an outfit her daughter had chosen.

Cut to a little later. Tobias gives Lindsay an OK sign and smiles at her, then taps Oscar’s knee. Reverse angle on Lindsay speaking. She’s in her red T-shirt that reads: SLUT

Lindsay: My father meant the world to me. (sobs)

Maeby: (re: Lindsay’s running nose) Wipe, Mom. (demonstrates) Give it a wipe.

Flash of George Sr. spying in the attic.

George, Sr.: That’s a home run.

Narrator: And finally, Michael got up to speak.

Cut to a little later. Now Michael is speaking.

Michael: I had a very complicated relationship with my father.

Behind him, Ice turns on a blender and there’s a loud whirring.

Michael: (turning around) Ice? Can you just cool it on that smoothie for right now?

Flash of George Sr. spying in the attic.

George, Sr.: (straightens up, interested) There are smoothies?

Michael: I could never trust my father, but I always want my son to be able to trust me. (looks behind him at his son as he approaches a little) So, from now on, we’re always going to be honest with each other, (George Michael avoids looking at him, but then looks back) okay? ’Cause there’s nobody I love more than you in, uh, in this whole world.

George Michael looks a little uncomfortable and, just then, G.O.B. enters in a hurry and approaches Michael.

G.O.B.: (whispers) Michael, listen, can we move the eulogy outside, so I can time being lowered into Dad’s grave with your big finish?

Michael: (beat) I’m done.

G.O.B.: Wow, that was your eulogy? Glad Dad wasn’t around to see that! (little laugh)

Flash of George Sr. spying in the attic. His eyes narrow. Behind him we can see a box labeled TRACY’S SWEATERS

George Michael: That was great.

Michael: Well, I meant it. So no more secret trips up to the attic, right?

As George Michael wrestles with his conscience, everybody is going outside for G.O.B.’s magic trick. Michael smiles and pats a man on his back.

Narrator: George Michael didn’t want to betray his grandfather, but it appeared that his father already knew the truth.

George Michael: I have Pop-Pop in the attic.

Michael: (turns to him) What?! (whispers) The mere fact that you call making love “pop-pop” tells me you’re not ready! (pats him in the arm)

Everyone’s out, only Michael and George Michael are still in the model home. G.O.B. comes back to the threshold.

G.O.B.: Hey, before we lose the sun!

The three of them go outside.

Fade to white.

Commercials.

Fade in from white.

Open with G.O.B. and Buster flanking a coffin set on a pile of dirt at the edge of a big hole in the gound. There’s also a bulldozer by the hole, ready to close it up.

G.O.B.: The speeches we heard today are nothing more than words, but I will prove that I love my father more than anybody.

Flash of Michael looking around; he didn’t seem to like that much.

G.O.B.’s trademark magic show music “The Final Countdown”, plays, and he and Buster start doing some “cool” moves. G.O.B. sees Buster trying to imitate him and he is not happy.

G.O.B.: Buster!

But Buster just stops for a sec and then continues imitating him, so a few moves later G.O.B. takes an open hand swing at him...

G.O.B.: Stop it!

...and Buster falls off the pile of dirt, behind the coffin. But he quickly gets back on his feet.

G.O.B.: As you can see, this is a normal coffin. (opens its lid and lays in it. To Buster) Take me halfway around.

Buster grunts as he complies.

G.O.B.: (stands up) I will become my dead father’s body (Buster looks at him horrified) as I’m lowered into his grave. (to Buster as he lays again) All right, spin it back around.

Buster: Dead father? Is Dad-Dad’s dead?

G.O.B.: Just keep it together, Buster and spin this back around!

Buster: Oh, my God, the card! The card!

Buster runs away letting the lid fall back on the coffin, which causes the trap door to open and G.O.B. to fall into the hole and, a second later, the coffin to fall into the hole too... over G.O.B. (O.S., though)

G.O.B.: (from beneath the coffin) Something’s gone wrong.

The bulldozer throws a shovelful of dirt into the hole and as everybody applauds appreciatively, Michael notices something and approaches the dirt.

Narrator: Michael noticed something in the dirt.

Michael: (squats and plucks out an empty pack of...) “Glisten.”

Michael examines the box and then looks back to the model home and sighs.

Narrator: And suddenly he realized what his son meant when he said he had “Pop-Pop” in the attic.

Cut to Michael climbing into the attic.

Michael: Dad? Dad?!

Beat and then George Sr. asomar/peeks from behind some boxes (the top one reads: BOAT BOOKS).

George, Sr.: How you doing, Michael? (Michael turns around but doesn’t speak) Hey, but your father’s alive. Michael-he’s-he’s alive.

Michael: How could you do this to us?

George, Sr.: Well, you see, I had no choice. My brother is with Lucille, you see. She’s destroying the family.

Michael: You put the entire business in peril, you escape from prison, and then you make us all think that you’ve died?!

George, Sr.: I’m an innocent man, Michael. I’m-I’m-I’m a patsy here. I signed some documents, uh... I thought they were gonna kill me. Don’t turn me in, okay? Can you help me out?

Narrator: And for a moment, Michael was conflicted.

Michael: (beat as he thinks about it) Well, I’m not going to let you stay here and make my son an accomplice, okay? I’m sorry. I’m not going to let you spread your guilt to him. (George Sr. nods)

Cut to Maeby taking Lindsay back into the model home and up to Ice.

Maeby: Ice, my mother has something to tell you.

Lindsay: (her eyeliner smeared from crying) I find you very attractive.

Maeby: And she cleans up nice too, trust me. (smiles broadly)

Ice: (checks his clock) I think I’m finally off the clock.

As Ice and Lindsay face each other, Maeby steps aside and goes to Barry, who’s having a martini at the bar.

Maeby: I’m out of here, right?

Barry can’t answer as he’s eating the martini’s olive, but he looks at Maeby and... just then Michael appears at a little interior balcony that overlooks the living room.

Michael: Hi. Dad’s alive. He’s hiding in the attic. (points behind him)

After a beat, everybody reacts...

Buster: He’s upstairs?

Lucille: In the atti...?

...and start going to the attic.

Cut to everyone entering the attic.

Lindsay: (O.S.) Dad...?

Ice looks around and goes to look out a window. Then turns around.

Ice: (to Michael) He’s gone. Stack the chafing dishes outside by the mailbox. I’m on the job. (moves out)

Lindsay: (scoffs) I can’t seem to give this away.

Everybody moves out. Michael hangs back.

Barry: (O.S.) Oh, I can’t believe it! And I just found the will!

Barry: (O.S.) Can someone explain me what’s going on?

George Sr. comes out from inside G.O.B.’s Aztec Tomb.

George, Sr.: Thanks, Mikey.

Michael: (turns to face him) Yeah. Well, now it’s our secret. (George Sr. remains silent)

Cut to Michael in the upstairs hallway, closing the attic’s trap door.

Narrator: And Michael met up with his son, their roles now reversed.

Michael: (tuns and sees his son approaching) Hi.

George Michael: I’m sorry. You know, from now on, we’ll just tell the truth to each other.

Michael: (fighting for an answer) We’re gonna to try.

George Michael: Yeah.

Michael: So, wait. Obviously, Ann wasn’t in the attic, so you actually did break up with her?

George Michael: Actually, she broke up with me. But the great thing is, that she was so moved by what you said tonight that we’re back together. (big grin)

Michael: (pained) Ah!

George Michael: Yeah!

Michael: (covering) Oh, is that great?! Well, we’re family and we stick together, huh? Hmm. (they hug and pat each other’s backs. Again, we can see Michael ain’t thrilled) Okay, let’s go dig up your uncle. (they leave)

Fade to the white on the next arrested DEVELOPMENT title screen.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development,

Cut to Lucille entering her apartment and finding it completely trashed.

Narrator: Buster finds out about the death of Captain Kangaroo.

Cut to Michael leaving his father with a pizza in the attic.

Narrator: Michael grows weary of caring for his father.

Michael: No, Pop-Pop does not get a treat. I just brought you a (bleep)ing pizza!

Cut to G.O.B. in his office at the Bluth Co., getting his POOF magazine in the mail.

Narrator: And G.O.B. finally makes the cover of Poof magazine.

The cover is shown. It reads: POOF, shows a picture of G.O.B. falling into the hole during his failed coffin magic trick, and below: Poof Goof of the Year.
Cut to G.O.B. doing the Charlie Brown sad walk through the Bluth Co. halls, as “Christmas Time is Here” plays.

Fade to white.
Closing titles.