ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
2X02 - THE ONE WHERE THEY BUILD A HOUSE
Original Airdate on FOX: 11/14/04

Written by Mitchell Hurwitz & Jim Vallely
Directed by Patty Jenkins

Transcribed by Diego B. for TWIZ TV.com - TWIZ TV.COM
PLEASE do not use/post this transcript anywhere without permission

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DISCLAIMER:
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"Arrested Development" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by The Hurtwitz Company and Imagine Entertainment in association with 20th Century Fox Television. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
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Narrator: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Arrested Development.



Narrator: Michael Bluth was at home working on a plan to save the company.
 
Michael: (to Lindsay, who approches looking ver excited) How’s this for a business model?: we make the company look like it’s in the black by starting construction on the Phase Two development. (Lindsay opens her mouth to speak, but Michael cuts her off) I know what you’re thinking: “We’re not in the black. How are we going to build 30 houses without any money?” We don’t. We build one. Then we have a huge ribbon-cutting ceremony while we’re raising the funds for the others.

Narrator: Michael’s father always unveiled his construction projects...
 
Photos of George Sr. cutting ribbons are shown:
On-screen title: 1963 Frozen Banana Stand Opening


On-screen title: 1973 Completion of First Major Housing Tract

 


Narrator: ...with a highly-publicized ribbon-cutting ceremony.
 
On-screen title: 1983 Completion of Orange County Prison


In this photo George Sr. and some other man are dressed in cartoon like black & white horizontally striped prison suits, balls and chains included, and he is smiling and shaking the hand of whom’s probably the prison warden.

 


Narrator: He even did so for the prison he built and, somewhat ironically, would later occupy.
 
Flashback of George Sr. in his orange prisoner’s jumpsuit, waving from inside the O.C. prison.
 
Back to the present, where Michael is waving similarly.

 


Michael: The only difference is, this time I get to cut the ribbon. What do you think?

Lindsay: There’s a cream with real diamonds in it. I can actually smear diamonds on my face! (points to the paper she’s holding) And it’s only $400 a tub! That’s, like, what, like, a million diamonds for $400? A million (bleep)ing diamonds!

Michael: Okay...

Tobias: (approaches, there’s a smear of blue paint on the wall) Is she on you about that diamond cream?

Lindsay: My husband’s jealous because, since we decided to have an open marriage, I’ve been doing a little better than he has.

Tobias: It is not a competition, Lindsay. (now we can see he also has a smear of blue paint behind his ear) We are doing this to save our marriage. (Maeby enters) But I should be telling you that I have been meeting more than my fair share of groupies. Or should I say “blue-pies”?

Narrator: Tobias had recently auditioned as an understudy for the silent performance-art trio, the “Blue Man Group”.
 
Flashback to Tobias audition.
 
Tobias: And this is “Kids”, from “Bye Bye Birdie” (nods to a O.S. piano player, and a piano begins to play. The three Blue Men, probably perplexed, silently look at each other and write down on their notepads)

Narrator: He had yet to hear back from them.
 
Back to the present.
 
Maeby: You guys think you have the guts to go through with this? Seeing other people?

Narrator: In fact, neither Lindsay nor Tobias did have the guts to go through with it.
 
There’s a pause as Tobias looks down to the drink he’s holding. Then almost simultaneously...
 
Tobias: I already have.

Lindsay: I have too.

Flashback to a club.
 
On-screen title: one night earlier...


Lindsay talks to a man at the bar, who’s talking to a friend.
 
Lindsay: Can I buy you a drink?

Man #2: No... (turns to motion to the bartender)
 
Narrator: Lindsay, because she’d lost her self-confidence.
 
Lindsay turns and leaves the club, shaking her head.
 
Man #2: (turns back to where Lindsay was) ...I’d like to buy you a drink. Where’s she going?

Narrator: And Tobias because he was busy keeping an eye on Lindsay.
 
Tobias, who’s painted blue and hiding against blue background in the bar, leaves too, following Lindsay.
 
Back to the present.

Lindsay: Who are you going to bring to this ribbon-cutting dance?

Michael: It’s not a dance, and you don’t need a date. Although... (sees his son appearing) George Michael, I’d love for you to come with me when I cut the ribbon at the new house.

George Michael: Oh, wow. Hey, can I bring Ann?

Michael: Who?

George Michael: Ann. You know, she’s... She’s the girl I’m kind of hanging out with.

Michael: I haven’t met Ann.

George Michael: Yes, you have.

Narrator: Michael had met Ann.
 
George Michael: You let her in. (off Michael’s perplexed look) See, that’s... that’s her right over there. (points to the kitchen)
 
After a couple of seconds the camera adjusts its focus on her. She’s peeling a hard-boiled egg... and she ain’t a pretty sight.

Michael: Oh, Ann. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I know Ann. (points at her) Hey, you! (she gives a little unfelt smile and continues with her egg. To his son) She’s got a little hard-boiled egg going there?

George Michael: Oh, it’s so cute. She sometimes takes a little pack of mayonnaise, and she’ll squirt it in her mouth all over (represents it), and then she’ll take an egg and kind of... (makes as if stuffing a whole egg in his mouth) Mmmm! She calls it a “mayonegg”. (off Michael’s strange look) Are you okay?

Michael: I don’t feel so good.

George Michael: You know, I kind of want to buy her a diamond.

Michael: (beat, really?) Her?

George Michael: Ann. I know I can’t afford it, but Aunt Lindsay was telling me about this diamond cream...

Michael: George Michael, I’m sure that Egg is a very nice person. I just don’t want you spending all your

money...

George Michael: (tries to correct him) Ann.

Michael: ...getting her all glittered up for Easter, you know? And more importantly, I want us to do this together- kind of like a father-son sort of thing, you know? And since Pop is no longer president, we get to do it.

George Michael: But I thought G.O.B. was president now.

Michael: (deadpan) Yeah, and I don’t have any problem with that.

Flash of a newspaper article. Title: George Bluth Escapes. The photo illustrating it is the traffic light photo from last episode. Pan down to another article: New Son Rises At Bluth Co., with photos of G.O.B. and Michael. Under G.O.B.’s it reads: New President, and under Michael’s there is a quote from him: “I have no problem with that.”

 


Cut the Bluth Company as Michael enters “his” office. G.O.B. is sitting there with a drink in his hand... and the pool table is still there too.

Narrator: In fact, since Michael’s father escaped from prison, his brother G.O.B. had been made president, albeit in name only, which is why Michael was surprised when he got to work the next day.
 
Michael: Ah, you’re still in my office.

G.O.B.: Gosh, Michael, I am kind of the president.

Michael: And I have no problem with that, but it is just a title, remember? I’m just doing this to appease the stockholders while they scrutinize me for Dad’s crimes.

G.O.B.: Hey, look, Dad may have illegally built some homes in Iraq, which is kind of not cool...

Michael: (holds up his suitcase) But that’s why I’ve got a business model that I think is going to restore the image of our company. We’re going to build a second model home.

G.O.B.: (stands) That’s great. Can I announce it to the board?

Michael: Gee, it is my business model. I mean, if you had a business model, then by all means, you go in there and do...

G.O.B.: Tell you what we’re going to do: rock-paper-scissors for it.

Michael: No, no, I’m not...

 
But G.O.B. goes right ahead... and Michael gets sucked in.

 
G.O.B.: One, two, three... (putting his open hand over Michael’s closed fist) Paper covers rock.

Michael: (sore loser) Ah, it is a rock, though. Should beat everything...

G.O.B.: There’s not a lot of logic to it. It’s kind of like on a boat with women and children first. (laughing) I mean, why should they...? (picks up something) Before I forget, I’m buying a company boat. (smiling broadly, shows Michael a picture of the boat)

Michael: Sorry?

Flasback to a boat show. G.O.B. is looking at a boat, “The Seaward”, when he stumbles upon a model sitting on a fake rock near it. She’s dressed as a “sailorette”, and is holding a sign that reads: SOLID AS A ROCK.
 
Narrator: That morning, G.O.B. had gone to a boat show where he saw something he wanted.
 
G.O.B.: (approaches the model) Hello.

Behind G.O.B. there’s a sign that reads: “Nothing creates the Illusion of Success like a Boat”

Starla: Hi.

G.O.B.: What a beauty.

Starla: Thank you!

G.O.B.: I meant you.

Starla: Well...

Narrator: G.O.B. flirted with her for a while, and finally asked for her number.
 
G.O.B.: Let’s get some digits.

Starla: Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t give it out without a firm offer.

G.O.B.: Oh, I’ll make you a firm offer.

Cut to G.O.B. signing the papers for the boat in an office with two boat salesmen.
 
Narrator: Unfortunately, she wasn’t flirting.
 
Boat Salesman: (pointing a dotted line in the papers) And here again, please.

G.O.B., looking a little daunted, signs.
 
Back to the present.

G.O.B.: “The Seaward”.

Michael: You’re not getting a boat.

G.O.B.: (starts the rock-paper-scissors game again) One, two, three...

Michael: Not gonna do it.

 


But he gets sucked in again. And again, loses.

G.O.B.: Paper covers rock. (covers Michael’s fist with his hand)

Michael: (sore loser) Fine, but rock sinks boat.

Lucille: (enters) Michael?

Michael: Mom, I-I’m right in the middle of something. (to G.O.B.) Get rid of “The Seaward”.

Lucille: (feeling referred to) I’ll leave when I’m good and ready.
 
The brothers just look at each other.
 
Cut to a moment later, outside the office.

Lucille: It’s about your Uncle Oscar. I want him to move in with you.

Michael: You’re not kicking him out already, are you?
 
Flashback to Oscar moving in, dragging his belongings in a bed sheet behind him.
 
Cut to Oscar & Lucille making out on her bed.

Narrator: Michael’s uncle had recently moved into Lucille’s apartment, where they quickly rekindled a long-dormant romance. It was a secret she hoped to keep...

Lucille: Oscar, we’ll be heard.

Narrator: ...and he didn’t.

Oscar: That’s what makes it so hot.

Buster: (O.S.) Mother?! Mother!
 
Oscar quickly gets out of bed and out to the balcony. Lucille goes under the sheets as Buster busts in.

Buster: I heard zoo noises.

Lucille: It’s nothing; go back to bed.

Oscar: (approaching from behind Buster) So... everybody’s still up, huh?
 
Buster and Lucille’s jaws drop as they watch Oscar’s huge erection (censored by a blue circle on the screen), which points right at Buster. Buster bleats softly and covers his ears, getting all worked up.
 
Back to the present.

Lucille: It’s not fair to Buster. He’s a nervous wreck right now. He’s going into the Army, for God’s sake! (sobs)

Michael: You volunteered him!

Lucille: I knew you were going to throw that in my face.

Michael: Well, don’t worry about it, ok? They’re never going to take him anyway.
 
Cut to a recruitmen center. Buster sits there in his briefs with an Army doctor.

Narrator: At that moment, Buster was taking his physical at the recruitment center.

Buster: ...hole in my heart. I’ve never opened my eyes underwater. My, um... (whispering) reproductive organ... (normal voice) is shaped like a... (whispering) lobster tail, (normal voice) ...but without its shell. Uh, oh, I guess I have the panic attacks under control. Oh, and I’m legally blind at night.

Narrator: But Buster had miscalculated the Army’s current need for personnel.

Army Doctor: Okay, then! Let’s get you fitted for a uniform.

Buster: What?! (panicked whimper, covers his ears)
 
Cut back to the Bluth Company.

Michael: Hey, why don’t you volunteer Oscar? That would solve both your problems.

Lucille: (seems to consider it) He’d never cut his hair. (dreamily?) That hair...

Michael: (walks to the elevator and takes his mom along) Listen, Oscar’s your problem. I’m taking care of everything else in this family, including starting construction on a second model home. We’re having a ribbon-cutting ceremony. (smiles)

Lucille: Michael, we can’t have a ribbon cutting without your father, and he’s God knows where.
 
Cut to some hotel room in Mexico. Kitty is having some eggs and drinking milk at the table while George Sr. sits on the bed, looking overwhelmed.

Narrator: George Sr. was in Mexico with his escape accomplice and ex-secretary, Kitty...

Kitty: (wearing a Señor Tadpole T-shirt) Eggs! It must be my unconscious desire to have a baby. Oh, my God, can you even imagine how cute the combination of the two of us would be?
 
A photograph of George, Sr. and Kitty’s possible offspring is flashed. It’s a young man with longish hair and big glasses. He looks kinda stupid too.
On-screen title: Photo courtesy of “Mommy, What Will I Look Like?” photo simulation services.

Kitty: I mean, we’re all out of profilácticos anyway... Somebody used the last two on his feet to walk across the bathroom floor.

Narrator: ...but he was growing tired of their confined intimacy.

George, Sr.: I’ve made a huge mistake.
 
Cut to George Sr. at a payphone, hiding under a big Mexican sombrero and dark glasses.

George, Sr.: Hey, it’s me.
 
Cut to the Bluth Company.

G.O.B.: (answering the phone) Dad?

George, Sr.: Listen, I got to make this quick. You’re the only one who can save the family. But you got to keep the company strong, because I’m going to need some of that money later.

G.O.B.: I will, Dad. It’s funny, after all these years of you making fun of me for the magic shows, and...

George, Sr.: (cuts him off) G.O.B.?! Oh, for God’s...! I called to talk to Michael, you horse’s...! (a little music plays and the communication is cut off)

Operator: Gracias por usar Tijuana Bell.

Narrator: G.O.B. was hurt.

G.O.B.: (into the dead line) Bye, Pop. (hangs up)

Michael: (passing by, hears him and rushes in the office) Hey, whoa-whoa! Was that Dad?

G.O.B.: Yeah. I had to, uh, jump off...

Michael: You just had Dad on the phone? Where was he?

G.O.B.: No way to tell, really; Portugal, (mumbling) down South America way...

Michael: Well, did he want to talk to me?

G.O.B.: (quickly) No. He wanted to talk to the president.

Michael: (deadpan) I have no problem with that.

Narrator: Michael was also hurt.
 
Cut to Mexico. As George Sr. hangs the phone, he is “recognized”...

Mexican Federal: ¡Ahí está! (the policemen bring him down to the ground)
 
...and arrested much in the same brutal way his brother was in the States.

Narrator: And George Sr. was brutally hurt when he was mistaken for his twin brother Oscar.

Mexican Federal: ¡...por la venta de la marihuana!

George, Sr.: Marijuana? No, no, that’s my brother. Brothero, brothero! (cringes as a straggler policeman arrives and brains him with his nightstick)
 
Cut back to the States. Lindsay is getting out of a cab. A Blendin / Moving and Storage truck rolls past her on the street. It’s blue and Tobias has “blended” to its side.

Narrator: That night, Lindsay headed to the club to try again to meet someone.
 
Cut to Lindsay coming out of the club. There’s a man leaning on the club wall.

Narrator: Soon, having struck out again, she spotted a man who looked interesting. He had the lean look, effortless hair and dressed down manner of a movie star.

Tom Jane: (smiles at her) Buy me a drink?

Lindsay: I think the bars are closing.

Tom Jane: I know a place. (she smiles at him coyly)
 
Cut to Tom Jane and Lindsay going into a liquor store.

Narrator: It was at that point that Lindsay had a startling revelation.

Foreign Cashier: Uh, uh, uh, get out, get out, get out! Out, out, out, out! No homeless in here.
 
They get out.

Lindsay: “Homeless”? You’re homeless? You’re gross!

Tom Jane: (hangs his head) Oh.

Lindsay: Oh, God! (turns and leaves. Tom Jane just stands there)
 
Cut to Lucille’s apartment. Buster runs in, hears something and goes directly to the pantry. Lucille and Oscar are making out in there, but he doesn’t seem to notice. They break it up.

Buster: They’re taking me in the Army. They didn’t think there was enough wrong with me.

Lucille: (surprised but getting it together) Well, did they check everything?

Buster: Yes! They even touched my Charlie Browns. You lied to me. You said I wasn’t fit to serve!

Oscar: (moves between them. The blue circle is there again to censor his prominent erection) All right, let’s calm down, people. Um, I think I know a little bit about avoiding combat duty. (walks to the kitchen, gets a knife and approaches Buster) Now, which pinky do you use less?

Lucille: Are you nuts?! Do you know what I went through to have this boy?

Oscar: Oh, I know where the boy came from. (the significant music sounds)
 
Lucille and Buster both look down at Oscar’s erection.

Buster: (suspicious) Wait. Why were you in the pantry?
 
Lucille and Oscar keep silent, and Buster smells her mother’s hair.

Narrator: And Lucille realized it was time to end whatever it was she had with Oscar.
 
Cut to the Bluth Company. Board meeting.

Michael: So I believe it’s a good plan...

Narrator: (speaking over Michael) The next day, Michael was ready to wow the board with his new business model.

Michael: As I told my brother, the president, if we start construction on a second model home, we can be cutting this ribbon within two months.
 
The board aproves and applauds.

G.O.B.: And I said: (stands up) “That’s why you’re no longer president. Two weeks! Let’s do it in two weeks!” Hey!!! (some music plays as he “magically” throws coins over the table and the board members throw themselves on them)

Michael: No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Could we stop the music? (turns it off with a remote) I’m not as optimistic that we can get that done. G.O.B., I think we both agreed that we would do things your way if you had a business model. Do you have a business model, G.O.B.? (gives him a little smile)

G.O.B.: I am so happy that you asked me that, Michael, because I just happen to have a business model right here. (goes to the door and opens it) Meet Starla, the new Bluth Company business model for our Phase Two campaign!
 
Starla is rolled in as she sits on her rock. She’s still in her “sailorette” outfit and still holds the SOLID AS A ROCK sign. The song by the same name plays. Everybody applauds.

Starla: Bluth Homes - Solid as a Rock! (everybody applauds again... and at least one board member is giving a standing ovation)

G.O.B.: We’ll see you at the ribbon-cutting in two weeks! If my brother doesn’t screw it up first. Hey!!! (makes a power gesture with his arm and leaves the room after Starla. Michael looks like shit)
 
Fade out to white.
Commercials.
Fade in from white.
 
Bluth Company hall. Michael clears Starla’s rock and catches up with G.O.B.

Narrator: G.O.B. had just committed Michael to building a model home in two weeks.

Michael: We can’t build a house in two weeks. Also, I’m not so sure how “solid as a rock” helps people forget the fact that we built houses in Iraq.

G.O.B.: (re: the slogan, I guess...) I love that.

Michael: But you probably know best, because...

G.O.B.: (cuts him off) We don’t have to build a real house, Michael. Like you said, it’s all for appearances anyway. We throw up a couple of walls... We build a fake one!

Michael: What are you talking about?

G.O.B.: (smiling, tapping his own head) Nothing on the inside.

Michael: I’ll never get a crew to build it. They’d lose their licenses.

G.O.B.: (as Starla appears to get her rock) Then you build it yourself, damn it! (to Starla) Hey, there she is! My little business model! (she smiles, salutes him and rolls her rock off. To Michael, in a low voice) Sorry about that “build it yourself” crap. I was thinking I might take her to the ribbon cutting. You end up finding a date yet?

Michael: (irritated but controlled) No.

Narrator: As Michael grew frustrated by his relationship with G.O.B.,...
 
Cut to Lucille and Oscar walking on the beach.

Narrator: ...Lucille tried to end hers with Oscar.

Lucille: I want you out of the house.

Oscar: (getting it wrong) Oh, I want you everywhere. (holds her face and tries to kiss her)

Lucille: (pushing him off) Oscar, no. I can’t have this in my life anymore. I’m a married woman.

Oscar: Lucille, you want to leave, I won’t chase after you. But before you do, ask yourself: where’s your husband? Because I am here, I’m real. I am flesh and blood. And hair.

Lucille: Oh, God, that hair... (closes her eyes and sighs. Then walks up to him) What will people say?

Oscar: They’ll say those people... are in love.
 
They start making out and go down on the sand, Lucille on top of Oscar.

Narrator: In fact, that night the evening news report said something very different.
 
Cut to a TV screen. A FOX 6 news flash is on.
The news title reads: MOUTH TO VERMOUTH



John Beard: Lucille Bluth, caught on tape breathing life into a homeless man. The surprising home video at 10:00.
 
Cut to the model home.

Narrator: And Michael prepared to build a house.

Lindsay: Two weeks? But what if my dates aren’t available?

Michael: (workingon his laptop) I’m trying to get a last minute crew together, Lindsay. Your inability to get a man interested is not at the top of my list.

Lindsay: (haughty) Oh, I’ve got a man interested, Michael.

Michael: What’s wrong with him?

Lindsay: There’s nothing wrong with him. He is homeless. Well, I didn’t know he was homeless at the time. (Maeby enters the room) It was humiliating.

Maeby: (sitting on the couch) Is this about Gangee’s homeless guy?

Michael: Gangee’s homeless guy?

Maeby: Yeah, it’s all over the news. Gangee gave CPR to a homeless guy on the beach.

Narrator: Lindsay felt respect for her mother and decided that perhaps she could overcome her pride and help someone too.

Lindsay: I’ve got someone for your crew, Michael. (Michael looks up) My boyfriend. The homeless guy. (leaving) I wonder if he even has an apartment or anything.
 
The phone rings and Michael answers.

Michael: Hello.

Lucille: Did you see the news? Your Uncle Oscar forced himself on me at the beach today, and I didn’t have my horn.

Michael: Of course. It was Uncle Oscar. Mom, you’re not having an affair with him, are you?

Lucille: (ignores him) You’re building a house. I want you to give it to him.

Michael: It’s not a real house.

Lucille: Perfect, he’s not a real man.
 
Cut to a Mexican police station.

Narrator: And George Sr. made his case to the Mexican police.

George, Sr.: I’ve been beaten up here. I’m telling you, I’m George, I’m not Oscar, I’m George!

Mexican Warden: (remembering him, stands. Softly) The cornballer...!

George, Sr.: (smiling) Sí, the cornballer! (pokes his finger at his own chest repeatedly)
 
Flash of some footage from the Cornballer’s infommercial.

Narrator: George Sr. had marketed a device called the Cornballer in Mexico, after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S.
 
Cut back to the station.

George, Sr.: Why, did you have one?

Mexican Warden: Sí.
 
He lifts his arm and shows George Sr. his burn marks. The two policemen surrounding George Sr. do the same. Things don’t look good for him, and his face reflects it.
 
Cut to the States. Lindsay is at the liquor store asking for her “boyfriend”.

Narrator: Lindsay, meanwhile, was having trouble...

Lindsay: ...great body.

Narrator: ...finding her homeless man.

Lindsay: He looked like a movie star.

Narrator: In fact, the man looked like a movie star because he was a movie star.
 
The liquor store attendant points Lindsay in a direction.

Lindsay: Oh, out here? Okay. (leaves)
 
Cut to Tom Jane (still dressed down) by his movie star trailer, talking to someone from the film crew.

Narrator: His name was Tom Jane, and he was making two movies for a major studio.
 
A Tom Jane’s movie poster is shown. It says it’s >From the directors of “Dangerous Cousins”, and it’s for the movie: JANE JUNK. It’s catch phrase is: “They Shoot Heroin Don’t They?”



Narrator: One was a gritty personal project about a junkie’s life, which he only got to do in exchange for making a rigidly formulaic popcorn movie.
 
A second Tom Jane’s movie poster is shown. This one is for the movie HOMELESS DAD. It’s catch phrase: “I just want my kids back!”
 
Cut to the street in front of the liquor store, where they are aparently going to shoot.

Narrator: He was living on the streets researching his role.

Lindsay: (approaching) Hey, homeless guy.

Tom Jane: Hey.

Lindsay: I’m not proud of the way I was so grossed out when I found out you were gross before.

Tom Jane: You really thought I was gross, huh?

Lindsay: Well, at first I thought you were kind of hot, but... I hadn’t looked closely enough. (Tom looks confused) Listen, I have a construction job for you. (Tom nods) And if you clean yourself up, who knows, you might actually get a date out of this. (Tom is even more perplexed. He actually mouths the word “What?”, but she doesn’t see it) Okay! (smiles and waves at him and leaves)

Tom Jane: See ya.
 
Tobias, who is still blue and still following Lindsay around and has blended into a Cloud Mir advertisement, hops off it and goes after her.
 
Cut to the second model home construction site. Michael unrolls a blueprint and talks to his crew.

Michael: Okay, we’ve all made some sacrifices to be here, but we all want the same thing.

Oscar: I want to live here.

George Michael: I want to buy Ann some diamond dust.

Buster: I’m just hoping to get mildly injured so I can get out of the Army.

Michael: Bottom line is: we’ve got two weeks to build a house. Doesn’t have to be good, just has to look good.

Tom Jane: I just want my kids back.
 
Michael just looks at him.

Narrator: And so the guys went to work.

Narrator: Things didn’t go smoothly at first.
 
Cut to Michael, Buster and Oscar lifing up a wooden structure, only to release it and let it fall over on its other side.

Narrator: Buster looked for ways to hurt himself.
 
Cut to Buster trying hurting himself while hammering some wood. Instead, the wood flies off and it brains Oscar, who had momentarily taken his hard hat off, taking a break. Oscar goes down.

Narrator: But soon, the project came together when G.O.B. stopped by.
 
Cut to Oscar painting and Michael sweeping the porch as G.O.B. arrives in his Segway, followed by Starla (in normal clothes) almost running behind him. G.O.B. carelessly rolls his Segway over some fake flowers in the entryway.

G.O.B.: Now we’re building a house!

Michael: Yeah, I’m pretty proud.

G.O.B.: (to Starla) So, what do you think? Did I do this, or what?

Starla: Seems like your brother did it.

G.O.B.: (turns his Segway to face her, miffed) My brother does what I tell him to do. I’m the president. (taps on the sign he’s hung in the front of his Segway and reads just that)

Starla: (noticing something on the sign) Where’s your “P”?

G.O.B.: Huh? (checks the letters pasted on it) Oh, no, not again...

Starla: I got it. (runs off to look for the “P”)

G.O.B.: Hey, sorry about that “My brother does what I tell him to do” crap, but I want this to be perfect for when I cut the ribbon tomorrow.

Michael: You are cutting the ribbon? I kind of thought that, since I built it, I might go ahead and give it...

G.O.B.: (cuts him off) Yeah, okay. Can you imagine how that’d look to the board? The construction worker cutting the ribbon? No, no, that’s a job for the president. (winks at him, turns his Segway around and leaves)

Narrator: Michael had a problem with that. G.O.B. had taken away something Michael always wanted,...
 
Starla has found the “P”.

G.O.B.: We got the “P”!
 
Starla laughs and holds it up for Michael to see. G.O.B. taps on his sign, urging her to put it back there.

Narrator: ...and now it was Michael’s turn to take something from G.O.B.... Starla.
 
Cut to the model home. Night.

Narrator: And later, Michael set about his plan.
 
Michael comes down the stairs and approaches G.O.B. in the kitchen.

Michael: G.O.B., do you have Starla’s phone number? I got a few business things I’d like to go over with the business model.

G.O.B.: Guess who was just over her? (no reaction from Michael) Don’t, I’ll tell you: me.

Michael: Hmm?

G.O.B.: I (bleep)ed the business model.
 
Michael freezes.

Narrator: Actually, they just made out.

G.O.B.: Yeah, she had all kinds of orgasms. (Michael’s eyes narrow) Imagine that, I finally nailed somebody you weren’t after! (laughs)

Michael: (reaaly pissed) Alright, that’s it. I’ve worked too hard and too long for you to keep getting all the credit, all right? I built that company, I built that house, and I’m going to be cutting the ribbon whether we’re all pretending that you’re president or not. (starts leaving)

G.O.B.: (crestfallen) Yeah, sure, I just wanted...

Michael: (comes back, curtly) You just wanted what?

G.O.B.: (sadly) I just wanted you to be impressed with me. Dad never was. Never said a nice thing about me.

Michael: He called you the other day. He didn’t even want to talk to me.

G.O.B.: Of course he did! Never wants to talk to me. Never has. (looks down)

Michael: (touched) Cut the ribbon.

G.O.B.: (brightly) Really?

Michael: Yeah, how ’bout that?

G.O.B.: Michael...

Michael: I have no problem with it.
 
G.O.B. hugs Michael tightly... mostly by the head. Michael doesn’t hug him back, though.

Michael: All right? (uncomfortable) Take it easy.

G.O.B.: Thank you, partner.

Michael: (let me go!) Come on.
 
Fade out to white.
Commercials.
Fade in from white.
 
Open at the second model house ribbon-cutting ceremony. The press is there; and they’ve got a D.J. with a sign that reads: Events Elegance.com / Let us handle your event. / D.J.’s, Live Music, Catering, Floral Arrangements, Valet Parking, Invitations, Un-Invitations, Gift Baskets, Basket Cases, Clean up Crews, Preparations Crew, Funeral Services, and what ever (sic) else will make your party a party to remember! / There is no event too small and no budget too...

Narrator: The next day, the Bluth family prepared to unveil Phase Two.

Michael: Have you seen your Uncle G.O.B. around?

George Michael: No, and I can’t find that diamond dust that Aunt Lindsay bought for me.

Michael: (adjusting his son’s clothes) Oh, well, your Aunt Lindsay has probably taken it. She’s just a taker.

George Michael: This is your chance, huh, with the big ribbon-cutters, after all these years?

Michael: Well, actually, I figured I’d give G.O.B. the chance. You know?, the guy doesn’t get a whole lot of attention in this family...
 
Starla in full getup, is rolled out on her rock by Buster.

Starla: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the Bluth Company, G.O.B. Bluth!
 
Descending onto the scene by crane, G.O.B. unfurls a Mission Accomplished banner. Everybody applauds.

G.O.B.: My brother wasn’t optimistic it could be done, but I didn’t take “wasn’t optimistic it could be done” for an answer. (more clapping)

Starla: (O.S.) Whoo!
 
Buster unhooks G.O.B.

G.O.B.: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Phase Two of the Bluth Company: a house truly solid as a rock.
 
The song “Solid (As a Rock)” plays. G.O.B. goes to cut the ribbon, but when he does...

Narrator: But as it turns out, Michael was right to not be optimistic it could be done.
...it seems that the ribbon was the only thing keeping the house together, since it starts falling apart wall by wall (no roof), showing it had nothing inside, just as G.O.B.... sugested.
 
Scared, people back off or run away.

Narrator: And Buster saw the chance to get injured enough to keep him out of the Army.
 
Smiling, Buster runs to put himself under a falling wall but, unfortunately for him, as the wall falls he passes through the opening for a window which was just closed up by a black piece of plastic, and winds up unharmed. Buster whimpers softly.

Narrator: But instead, he got a glimpse inside.
 
Buster sees his mom and Oscar making out on a blue mat on the floor of Oscar’s empty and now non-existent house (only the façade remains standing).

Buster: (O.S.) I can’t look at that.

Narrator: Unfortunately, Tobias had to.

Tobias: (still blue, gets up from the blue mat) I got the wrong homeless bed. I am sorry. I was looking for Lindsay... (passes over them and leaves)

Buster: You lied to me. You both lied to me! I’m going to war. (starts leaving)

Lucille: Buster, you can’t!

Buster: (comes back) Yes, I can. I don’t agree with your dirty doings here, but I will defend with my life your right to do it! (turns and leaves through the front door... well, through its opening, since there’s no door)

G.O.B.: (still standing on the porch) You planned this all along, didn’t you, Michael?

Michael: No, I didn’t. I had no crew, I had no time...!

G.O.B.: (extremely pissed) You set me up!

Narrator: G.O.B. charged at Michael with the scissors, but Michael,...

Michael: Put it down.

Narrator: ...as he always did, picked rock...
 
Michael picks up Starla’s fake rock,...

G.O.B.: Make it collapse. You wanted to make me look foolish!

Michael: G.O.B., don’t do this. G.O.B., give me the scissors...

G.O.B.: Here are your scissors! (charges and the big scissors get stuck in the fake rock. A lot of people run away in panic)

Narrator: ...which beat scissors.
 
Michael throws the rock and scissors to the ground. G.O.B. just looks on with a stupid smile on his face. Lucille and Oscar, still lying on the mat, watch in shock. A photographer takes pictures.

Narrator: Unfortunately, the whole incident was covered by the paper.
 
Flash of a newspaper article. Its title reads: Bluth House Falls Apart, As Does Family


 
Cut to the Bluth Company. Michael & G.O.B. are looking at the newspaper article in G.O.B.’s office.

Michael: Nobody looks good in this...

G.O.B.: (pointing to the picture) Especially that little dude.

Michael: (checks the picture closer) That’s Ann.

G.O.B.: Who’s...?

Michael: (flicks the paper aside, sits on the pool table that’s become G.O.B.’s desk) It doesn’t matter. Listen, you know I didn’t set you up, okay? I really think the only reason you and I always fight is that since we were little kids, Dad’s always played us off each other.

G.O.B.: Dad always said that was your fault.

Michael: Anyway, what we ought to do is make a decision right now not to let Dad get in the middle of our relationship anymore. I mean, he’s not even in town and we’re fighting about it.

G.O.B.: We’re grown men.

Michael: Yeah, let’s just move on.

G.O.B.: I mean, look at me. I’m the president of a company now.
 
Michael makes some gesture. The phone rings.

G.O.B.: Oh, that’s Dad’s line. I bet he saw the paper. (moves to answer)

Michael: (stops him) Listen, if you want my respect, you won’t answer that, okay? It’s just gonna to cause more problems.
 
A beat, and G.O.B. presses a button on the phone and it stops ringing.
 
Cut to George Sr. on the phone in the Mexican police station.

George, Sr.: Hello...? They hung up. They hung up on me. (a couple of policemen approach him) Hi, you guys. Well, I couldn’t get that money. I don’t now what happened, really...
 
Cut back to the Bluth Company.

Michael: I’m impressed you hung up on him.

G.O.B.: Did I hang up on him? (stands) I meant to hit speaker. (presses a button on the phone)

Michael: Oh, well, you got to hit the line first... (shows him)

G.O.B.: (fumbling with the buttons) No, I understand, both of them at the same time, (pointing out the office) but she said...

Michael: (shows him) These are the lines...

G.O.B.: (calling out to his secretary) Look, could we...?

Michael: (shows him) There’s a line right here, G.O.B., hey...

G.O.B.: (to his off screen secretary) It’s line...

Michael: (getting his attention) Hey! I don’t want to wait until Dad’s dead for us to get along. (G.O.B. thinks about that)

Narrator: But it was too late, as George Sr. would be declared...
 
Flash of a TV screen with a Mexican program on. It’s showing a picture of George Sr. behind bars with his name beneath it, and a title on top: Los Mas BUSCADOS de MEXICO.



Narrator: ...dead within the hour.
 
Then another title appears over the picture: MUERTO. And then, at the bottom: ¿
 
Back to the Bluth Co.

Michael: From now on, we support each other.

G.O.B.: We start with a clean slate.

Michael: Yeah.

G.O.B.: We almost did it, though, didn’t we? We almost pulled it off. (smiles)

Michael: (picking up the paper) No, it wasn’t even close.

G.O.B.: (poins to the paper) Yeah, a lot of people saw this.

Michael: This was very, very bad.

G.O.B.: I agree. I agree.
 
Fade to the white “on the next... arrested DEVELOPMENT” title screen.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development,...
 
Cut to Lindsay talking up to Tom Jane in front of a club.

Narrator: Lindsay finds out the true identity of her homeless man.

Lindsay: ...look at you!

Tom Jane: Look, uh, you’re a really nice chick but, um, I’m not homeless. I’m Tom Jane... (Lindsay just looks at him)

Narrator: And even though Lindsay doesn’t know who that is, hearing that he wasn’t homeless is good enough for her.

Lindsay: (smiles broadly at him) Buy me a drink?

Tom Jane: You’re really sweet but no. I’m Tom Jane. (turns and leaves)

Narrator: And Lindsay, crushed and alone,...
 
Cut to Lindsay sitting on the curb.

Narrator: ...for the first time misses her husband Tobias.

Lindsay: Tobias...
 
Camera pulls back to include some blue thing in the shot, but Tobias isn’t blending there. So the camera pans to the right to include a GLITZ vending-machine.
 
And Tobias is no longer blue. He’s blended with the machine... in a silver color.

Tobias: (moves, making himself visible) Lindsay, um...

Lindsay: (approaches him) Is that George Michael’s diamond cream?

Tobias: Oh, yes, well, I-I ran out of blue and I couldn’t find anything else. I think my nipples are bleeding, though. I don’t know if you’re supposed to use quite this much, but I... (Lindsay hugs him tight. There’s a pause, then re: Tom Jane) That guy’s a jerk.

Lindsay: No, I am.

Tobias: No... no... (breaks the embrace, looks  her in the eye) I am. Because I think I need to go to the hospital right away and-and see if I can get some of this (coughs and seems to expel some silver dust) diamond dust vacuumed from out of my lungs. This way. (moves off)
 
Lindsay, looking jaded, moves to follow without a word.
 
FADE to white.
Titles.