ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
2X01 - THE ONE WHERE MICHAEL LEAVES (2)
Original Airdate on FOX: 11/07/04
Written by Mitchell Hurwitz & Richard Rosenstock
Directed by Lee Shallat-Chemel
Transcribed by Diego B. for TWIZ TV.com - TWIZ TV.COM
PLEASE do not use/post this transcript anywhere without permission
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"Arrested Development" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by The Hurtwitz Company and Imagine Entertainment in association with 20th Century Fox Television. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
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Narrator: Now the story of the family
who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all
together. It’s Arrested Development.
Michael
& George Michael travel in a car along a highway.
Narrator: This is Michael Bluth. Right
now he is taking his son, George Michael, to start a new life in Arizona.
Michael: Phoenix, Arizona. Huh? This is it, boy. We are free. Follow
our dreams, you know? And the best part of it? Not working for the family
anymore.
George
Michael: Yeah, but
don’t- don’t you always say “family first”?
Michael: Yes, I do, but that is not a
family, okay? They’re a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And
Aunt Lindsay.
George
Michael: (surprised)
She’s not my real aunt?
Michael: Not a real nose. Got a picture of
her when she’s fourteen, in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.
Spend an
entire year living in that stupid model home with those people, and all they
did was lie to us.
Flashback.
The
whole family is reunited at the hospital waitiing for news on George, Sr.’s
condition.
Narrator: The most recent lie was that
Michael’s father had had a heart attack while in prison.
Doctor
#3: (approaches)
We lost him.
They
are all shocked.
Cut to
the whole family going into George Sr.’s room and findong his bed empty and his
window open.
Narrator: What the doctor meant to say was
that George, Sr. had escaped.
Cut to
footage of George, Sr. escaping through the window, sliding down the stairs of
the stairway vehicle. At the bottom of the screen it reads: ATM footage courtesy of Orange
Coast Bank
Narrator: A feat he’d accomplished by using
the family’s portable stairway vehicle.
Cut to
a photo of George, Sr. at the wheel of the stairway vehicle. At the bottom of
the screen it reads: Traffic light photo courtesy of the Newport Beach Police Department
Cut
back to the present and Michael & George Michael on the road.
Michael: (smiling) I’d like to see
the look on their faces right now. (imitating) “Where’d he go?”
George
Michael: Or they’d
think we just headed home. Actually, you know, that’s kind of what I thought
until I heard about all that Phoenix stuff.
Michael
smiles fades.
Narrator: Michael was concerned that the
full impact of his departure might have been lost on his family.
So he
calls them.
Lucille: (answering the phone in her
apartment) Hello, who is this?
The
screen splits in two. Lucille to the left, Michael to the right.
Michael: (in a deep voice) Yes, this
is Doctor Blumen. I’m calling regarding Michael Bluth.
Lucille: (calls out) Michael! Phone!
The
screen goes back to normal.
Michael: (hanging up) They think
we’re still there. We’re going back.
Cut to
later. Michael and George Michael enter Lucille’s apartment. The whole family
is there. The off-hook signal can be heard from the phone.
Michael: Hello, mom. (gets the phone and
hangs it up) Any messages?
Lucille: (walking right past them)
None.
Michael: (follows her into the kitchen)
No. There was a
message, it was about my health. But, doesn’t matter. My son and I...
A loud
horn blows. Buster has blown it.
Lucille: Buster, what are you doing with
mother’s rape horn?! (off Michael’s look) Yes, I have a rape horn,
Michael. Because you took away my mace.
Buster: Yeah, like anyone would
want to “R” her.
Lucille: This is what I’m talking about,
Michael. Now that your father has deserted us, Buster has become impossible to
control. Suddenly he’s too much of a big-shot to brush mother’s hair.
Michael: Well, I’m not h... (looks at
Buster as the full impact of Lucille’s words hit him. Still, he refrains to say
anything about it) I’m not helping you with Buster anymore. I’m not helping
anyone with anything. I came here to tell you that my son and I...
Lucille
starts the blender. The noise is very loud. Lucille and Michael look at each
other but keep silent.
Cut to
the dining room. George Michael & Annyong are there.
Narrator: George Michael, meanwhile, was
approached by his cousin Maeby.
Maeby: (approaches) So, you’re
really leaving, huh? Have you told your girlfriend Bland? I mean, Ann.
George
Michael: She’s not
my girlfriend. And she’s not bland.
Maeby: Really? Because, I mean, under her
school picture, it said: “Not pictured.”
George
Michael: Okay, they
printed a retraction in the spring supplement. And yeah, she was really looking
forward to seeing me in my Uncle Sam outfit (Annyong’s eyes narrow) in
the get-out-to-vote assembly tomorrow.
Maeby: Wasn’t that supposed to be before
the election?
George
Michael: Yeah, they
had to postpone it when that foreign exchange student parked too close to the
gym.
Annyong: I do it. I play Uncle Sam. Better
than the part I have now: Guy who order strike on Pearl Harbor. (demonstrates)
Cut to
Michael following Lucille back into the living-room.
Michael: I don’t know why you’re not taking
this “I’m out of here” seriously, but I am out of here, seriously.
G.O.B.: Let’s face it, Michael: you’ve
made this threat before.
Michael: Tell me, when?
Flashback.
On-screen
title: family
dinner mishap
The
family is having dinner in Lucille’s apartment. Lucille is standing shaking her
hand and Tobias, kneeling on the floor, seems to have a cut in his. Lindsay
stands, shocked, as Lucille sits back down. Michael stands.
Michael: That’s it, I’m out of here. (leaves
as George Michael starts to follow him)
Cut to
another flashback.
On-screen
title: christmas
magic show fiasco
A
locksmith is opening G.O.B.’s magic chest at a party, apparently at the Bluth
Company. When the chest is opened, Michael comes out of it.
G.O.B.: Ta da!
Michael: I’m out of here. (leaves and
George Michael follows)
Cut to
yet another flashback.
On-screen
title: “monkey
freedom rally” setback
Lindsay,
holding a sign which reads: FREE THIS ORANGUTAN, stages a monkey freedom rally by locking herself in a cage with a
monkey. Unfortunately, the monkey has to be shot to save her.
Michael: (outside the cage with the
shooters and George Michael, says to him) I’m out of this family.
Seriously. (leaves)
Cut
back to the present at Lucille’s apartment.
Michael: This time we’re going to be so far
away, you’re never be able to find us.
George
Michael: (smiling)
We’re going to Phoenix.
Michael: (whispering) Don’t tell
them where.
George
Michael: I just
thought...
Michael: Doesn’t matter what.
Lindsay: Michael, maybe the reason why you
always come back is that you need us more than we need you.
George
Michael stares at Lindsay’s nose. She notices and gets unconfortable, touches
it and quickly gets away.
Michael: Hmmm. Oh, that’s rich. Huh. I
need you.
Alright, I’ll tell you what: Mom, you’re always asking me to help you look
after Buster? You can find somebody else. (to Buster) I hope she doesn’t
kill you.
Buster: I’ll kill her first!
Michael: (to his mother) And good
luck trying to find someone else to run the business, by the way. G.O.B.,
instead of always coming to me looking for money, saying: “I’ve made a huge
mistake,” you can bail yourself out next time.
G.O.B.: (smiling and looking to the
others trying to cover) I’ve never admitted to a mistake. What would I have
made a mistake about?
Michael: Lindsay, instead of sleeping in
twin beds, why don’t you and your husband take the master bedroom. It’s not
like you’ve never come to me with your marital problems saying: “Oh, help me,
Michael. I think my husband might be a ho...”
Tobias
sets off the air horn.
Tobias: Oh, God! Wow!
Michael: (to George Michael, as he leaves)
Here we go.
Cut
back to the car and the highway.
Narrator: And so, once again, the guys were
on their way to Phoenix, never to look back.
George
Michael: (in a
deep voice, into the car phone) This is just the lab calling. We’ll give
him the bad news in Phoenix. (hangs up. To Michael) They know we’re
gone.
Michael: Great. You did say “Phoenix”
again, but what do we care.
George
Michael: (quickly)
Sorry.
Michael: Now, do you want to steer, or are
you too old to sit on your pop’s lap and drive?
There’s
a pause as George Michael thinks about it.
George
Michael: I think I
might be.
Michael: (beat) Okay.
Cut to
a short time later.
On
screen title: a
short time later...
A
police siren is heard and a Sheriff and a cop get out of a police car and
approach our guys’ car... which is stopped at the side of the road with George
Michael seated on his dad’s lap. Michael gives a little smile at the Sheriff.
Cut to
a short time later.
Michael
walks with the Sheriff towards the police car, where George Michael sits at the
back.
Sheriff: The car’s registered to George
Bluth, so we had to check. He’s been caught, so you’re free to go.
Michael: He’s been caught?
Narrator: Michael knew if he went back to
see his father he’d only end up saying something hurtful.
Michael: (to George Michael) We’re
going back.
Short
flash of the previously shown
Traffic light photo courtesy of the Newport Beach Police Department
Narrator: In fact, the police only thought
they’d arrested George, Sr....
Flashback
to the arrest. Oscar is at a coffee stand in a park.
Oscar: (to the lady at the stand)
Do you have any cookies with no preservatives?
Two
policemen grab Oscar and violently push him to the ground. Then a straggler
policeman arrives and brains Oscar with his nightstick.
Straggler
cop: Yeah!
Narrator: ...but had gotten his twin brother
Oscar instead.
[I
think the lady at the stand says something O.S. to Oscar, but I couldn't quite
catch it. :-( ]
Back
to the present.
At the
police station, Lucille enters as Oscar is signing his release.
Lucille: Oh, good grief. It’s Oscar.
Oscar: Oh, thank God you’ve come. (hugs
her and caresses her arms)
Narrator: Lucille had a relationship with
Oscar years earlier, which she was not eager to rekindle.
Oscar
gets horny and hugs Lucille again and tries to kiss her, but she resists.
Lucille: What is wrong with you? The boy is
here!
Buster
is entering the police station.
Buster: Oh! (Oscar releases Lucille) They
said my father was here.
Oscar: Did they?
A
significant music sounds. Buster nods repeatedly.
Lucille: (to Buster) Let’s get out
of here.
Buster: Wh-what about Oscar?
Oscar: Yes. They impounded my- my humble
trailer.
Buster: You’ll stay with us!
Lucille: No, he won’t.
Buster: (standing beside Oscar) You’re
the one who says I need a father figure.
Oscar: (to Lucille) Yes, (pointedly)
a father figure.
Again,
the significant music sounds.
Lucille: Fine, but you’re not sleeping in
my bed.
Oscar: Okay.
Buster: Okay. (a little weirded out, he
shares a look with Oscar)
Cut to
the police station a while later. Michael & George Michael enter.
Narrator: Soon, Michael arrived to claim his
father and was met by the family attorney, Barry Zuckerkorn.
Michael
and Barry shake hands.
Michael: (looking at a zit in Barry’s
forehead) Mmm.
Barry: (touching the zit) No, I
know, I know. Everybody says: “Leave it alone. Leave it alone.” (looking at
his fingers) Does this look contagious to you? (patting George Michael’s
belly) Hey, kiddo! (to Michael, as George Michaels brushes his shirt
with his hands) All right, it wasn’t your father. It was your uncle. I ran
into them as they were leaving.
Flashback.
On-screen
title: moments
earlier...
Lucille
& Buster talk to Barry outside the police station. But just as Oscar is
coming out, a group of cops fall over him again and reduce him just as they did
before. Nightstick to the head included.
Straggler
cop: Yeah!
Lucille: Oh, for God’s sake.
Back
to the present at the police station.
Michael: Well, I only came back to tell
them that I was leaving, so I guess it’s time to go, son.
Barry: Where are you going?
George
Michael: We can’t
tell you.
Michael: No, no. We can tell Barry. (to Barry) We’re
going to Phoenix.
Barry: Oh, I wish you hadn’t said that.
As your lawyer, I have to inform you: you cannot leave the state. I mean, with
your father gone, they want to hold you.
Michael: M- me?
Barry: They’re going to indict you
tomorrow. All you have to do is come up with the bail. (whispering) Take
it out of the business!
Michael: But I can’t. I quit. I don’t want
to follow in my father’s footsteps.
Barry: Then you might wind up on his cot.
(Michael
and his son look at each other) Oh, man, I wish you hadn’t said Phoenix.
Michael
is speechless.
Commercials.
Cut to
Michael and George Michael entering the model house.
Narrator: Michael had just found out that he
couldn’t leave the state, unless he came up with bail.
Michael: Okay, listen: I’m going to get the
company checkbook, and don’t tell the family. We can’t give them the
satisfaction of telling them that I need money, okay? Do you remember what we
say about the family?
George
Michael: (smiling)
It’s not Aunt Lindsay’s nose.
Michael: Yes, but no.
George
Michael: (unsure)
Don’t- don’t tell them we were going to Ph...?
Michael: (cuts him off) We say that
we don’t need them.
George
Michael: Oh!
Michael: Hmmm? (smiles at him and
leaves)
George
Michael: (smiles)
Yeah, okay. The new one.
Michael
walks into the living room. Lidsay is there, sitting in front of the TV,
“exercising” to a tape where a woman sits too.
Woman
on tape: It comes
from knowing you are toned and fit. Together, two, three, four. Release, two,
three, four.
Michael: What are you doing?
Lindsay: I’m exercising, Michael.
Michael: I see you’ve found an exercise
tape made for people as lazy as you are.
Lindsay: I do have a love life.
Woman
on tape: Tighten,
one, two, three, four.
Michael: Okay, this is going off. (turns
the TV/VCR off) One night in the master bedroom and you’ve got yourself a
love life again?
Lindsay: Well, I’ll be honest. At first, it
was awkward.
Flashback.
On-screen
title: one day
earlier...
Lindsay
walks into the master bedroom where Tobias is sitting in front of the TV,
“exercising” to the tape.
O.S.
Woman on tape:
Together, two, three, four. Release, two, three, four.
Tobias: Oh, Linsday. (turns the TV off.
Stands) Well. (gesturing to the bed) This is exciting.
Lindsay: Finally, we can be a normal
couple...
Tobias: Nice to be back in a queen.
There’s
an awkward silence and then they turn away from each other.
Tobias: It’s too much pressure.
Lindsay: I can’t do this.
Cut to
a little later. Tobias and Lindsay talk at the feet of the bed.
Narrator: So, Lindsay and Tobias finally
took a hard look at their relationship.
Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist,
I have advised (moving to sit beside her, he falls to the floor. Then he
stands and accomplishes his goal) a number of couples to explore an open
relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed, but free to
explore extra-marital encounters.
Lindsay: Well, did it work for those
people?
Tobias: (cuckles) No, it never
does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might,
but.... But it might work for us...
Lindsay: Well, we could give it a shot.
Tobias: Great. We’ll hammer out the
details later. Right now, we’ve got a daughter to tell. (runs out of the
room) Maeby, we’re having a family meeting!
Cut to
Lindsay coming down the stairs. There’s a man coming up. They stop.
Narrator: On her way to the family meeting,
Lindsay had an unexpected encounter.
Lindsay: (very friendly) Hello.
James: Hi. G.O.B. told me to come by.
Lindsay: Well, I don’t think he’s here.
James: Well, tell him I like what I see.
Lindsay
smiles, flattered.
Cut to
the kitchen. Tobias is talking to Maybe there.
On-screen
title: seconds
later... (family meeting)
Tobias: ...and we probably won’t even act
on it. (Maeby rolls her eyes) We’re not gonna get a divorce. If
anything, it’ll bring mommy and daddy closer toge...
Lindsay
enters, happy as a puppy, and cuts him off.
Lindsay: I met someone. I got a date. I’m
dating someone!
Jaded,
Maeby flips the page of her magazine.
Tobias: Well, let the great experiment
begin!
Back
to the present.
Michael: (rummaging through a desk) You’re
not using my master bedroom for that.
Lindsay: I believe you left. Or did you
realize how much you need us after all?
Michael: Actually, I came back because I
need something. Some things. Like the checkbook. Where’s the corporate
checkbook?
Lindsay: G.O.B. must’ve taken it to the
office. Mom put him in charge. (off his look, smiling) That’s right,
Michael. He’s got your old job.
Michael: Well, I better get over there
before he brings the whole company down. (leaves)
Lindsay: It’s only been three hours. How
much damage could he really do? (finishing her Kegel exercise) And
release.
For
some reason Michael stops in his tracks as he hears that.
Cut to
the Bluth Company. G.O.B. is playing pool in a very small room with several
holes in the wall. There’s another man in the room too.
Narrator: In three hours, G.O.B. had done
$45,000 in damage.
G.O.B.
pulls his cue stick back to make a shot and it hits the wall behind him.
G.O.B.: (to the other man, tiredly)
In there, please.
The
man takes a sledgehammer and repeatedly hits the wall with it, making a brand
new hole.
Michael: (enters) Hey, where’s my
desk?
G.O.B.: Oh, I think it’s the massage table
in the break room now.
G.O.B.
tries another shot but his cue stick hits the window.
G.O.B.: (to the sledgehammer man)
Take the window.
Michael: (stops the man) No, hold
it! G.O.B., Mom may think that she’s given you my job, but the board still has
to approve that decision.
G.O.B.: Actually, they already have.
Flashback.
Board
meeting.
Board
Member #3: Why
should we believe in you?
G.O.B.: For the same reason you should
believe a hundred dollar bill (shows it to them) is no more than a
hundred pennies.
He
magically makes the hundred dollar bill transform into a hundred pennies that
fall all over the table, and all the amazed board members dive over them.
Back
to the present.
G.O.B.: They approved me unanimously.
Michael: Why wouldn’t they? You’ve only
lost them 99 dollars so far.
G.O.B.: Well, I’ve already been pretty
successful. Showing the model house again. Sent a realtor over there yesterday.
Flashback
to the Lindsay/James, the realtor, encounter at the stairs.
Narrator: It was this realtor who’d run into
Lindsay, thinking she was looking for a home.
James: I have an open thing going on too.
(Lindsay smiles) I’ll give you the address and you can come by. And I
think you’ll really like the neighbors.
Lindsay: (a little taken aback, but what
the heck) Okay...
Back
to the present.
G.O.B.: So what brings you here, Michael?
I hope it’s not for a handout. I run a pretty tight ship around here.
Michael: With a pool table?
G.O.B.: It’s a gaming ship.
Michael: I’m here because I thought you
might need me.
G.O.B.: I need you?
Michael: That’s right.
G.O.B.: Oh, boy, that’s good. Can’t wait
to call the guys in to hear this one! (picks up the phone) How do you
intercom on this?
Michael: Star 2.
G.O.B.: At the same time?
Michael: Hit... no, just the star. In the
corner.
G.O.B.: So if I do it like that...
Michael: No, turn your hand the other way. (pressing
the buttom) Star...
G.O.B.: Oh, that’s star.
Michael: 2. Alright, let’s just hang it up.
(G.O.B. hangs up) There we go. I thought that you might need me to help
you with the books. You know, the corporate checkbook. Where is it?
G.O.B.: Actually, Mom’s got it. She was
uncomfortable with me... (makes some hand gesture)
Michael
just can’t believe it.
Narrator: Michael now had the distasteful
choice of either asking his mother for money or going to jail.
Michael: (leaving) Maybe Buster
killed her already.
Cut to
Tobias walking on some walkboard. He passes a gay couple, then comes up to a
billboard where he finds a flyer that reads: Feeling Blue? across the top, and is for THE BLUE MAN GROUP.
Narrator: Tobias was also having a bad day.
Lindsay had met someone and he hadn’t. And that’s when he found what he thought
was a support group for depressed men.
Cut to
Lucille’s apartment. Michael enters.
Lucille: Well, if it isn’t the boy who
cried “Phoenix.”
Michael: Ho-ho. No, I was just- just
worried about Buster. I thought maybe I should give him a little guidance. (Lucille
takes a brush and brushes her hair) Write him a check, be a role model.
Where is the company checkbook?
Buster: I already have a new role model,
Michael.
Lucille: His uncle Oscar is living here
now.
Michael: Wow! You guys have accomplished a
lot in the last three hours. Where is he?
Lucille: I sent him out for a new airhorn.
Cut to
footage from the Elevator
security cam C. The
clock to the left reads: 17:15.
Oscar
is there as the police arrives and proceeds to capture him again in their usual
way. And he gets his usual nightstick to the head too, just as he blows the
airhorn.
Straggler
cop: Yeah!
Cut
back to Lucille’s apartment.
Lucille: We’ve got it all under control.
Michael: (smiling widely) Great!
But
his mother isn’t buying it and she just looks at him knowingly. Michael smiles
fades.
Michael: I’m just worried that it’s only
going to be a matter of time before the media starts putting together all the
pieces of this Iraq story.
Flashback.
On-screen
title: one day
earlier...
Michael
watches TV at the model home.
Narrator: Michael had recently found out
that the model home he and his son currently lived in...
Shot
of the model home.
On-screen
title: current
home of Michael Bluth and family
Narrator: ...was very similar to some his
father may have illegally been building in Iraq.
Cut
back to Michael watching TV (FOX 6), where is a shot of another house, the
spitting image of the model home, but in Irak.
On-screen
title: former
home of Chemical and Mrs. Ali
Back
to the present.
Lucille: They haven’t yet. And frankly, it’s
a very difficult charge to prove.
She
gives him her trademark creepy wink. Michael turns his head but Lucille moves,
finds his eyes and winks at him again.
Michael: Man, that jury’s going to fall in
love with you.
Lucille: What do you need, Michael?
Michael: I don’t need anything. I’m
great. Because everyone else is great. I can’t tell you how nice it is to not
be needed anymore. (leaves)
Annyong: (O.S.) I want you!
Hearing
this, Michael comes back, only to see Annyong, dressed up like Uncle Sam, practicing
in from of a mirror.
Michael: Okay, the jury might actually like
that. (turns and leaves again)
Cut to
the Bluth Company. G.O.B. is in the process of hanging a picture of himself
holding a frozen banana.
Narrator: It was at that moment that G.O.B.
found something the jury might not like...
G.O.B: Hammer...
G.O.B.
takes the sledgehammer to the wall and opens a hole in it where he finds a
metalic briefcase. He opens it and sees the contract signed by his G. Bluth and S. Hussein.
Cut to
Lindsay entering some house.
Narrator: ...and Lindsay arrived at what she
thought was a date.
James: Hey. You found it. So, should we
start in the kitchen?
Lindsay: I thought... the bedroom.
James: Sure, I’ll meet you up there. I’ve
got to make this place smell like cookies. And you should know I am
anticipating multiples on this.
Lindsay: (smiling) Well, I wouldn’t
be doing this if I didn’t think that was a possibility. (James doesn’t quite
get it)
Cut to
James in the kitchen spraying some cookie smell from a can. The screen splits
in two and we can see Lindsay heading up. Then it goes back to normal and
Lindsay is in the bathroom, taking a shower.
Narrator: Lindsay was nervous, and took a
shower to relax.
Lindsay: I can’t do this. I’m not ready for
this.
She
comes out of the shower to find a whole family of four in the bathroom. Lindsay
screams and goes back into the shower.
Prospective
Buyer: (leaving
the bathroom) Come on kids, we- we’ll go downstairs and have so- some
cookies. (gives Lindsay a last look as he leaves)
Narrator: The kids were in for some bad news
too.
Cut to
Tobias at the theater watching The Blue Man Group’s performance.
Narrator: Tobias, meanwhile, discovered that
what he thought was a support group turned out to be a team of bald men painted
blue.
Tobias
looks like his having a great time, though.
Cut to
Lucille’s apartment. Oscar, Buster and Lucille are sitting in the living-room.
Buster is combing Oscar’s long grey hair as he checks himself in the mirror.
Narrator: Even Lucille was about to find
herself in trouble.
Oscar: (to Buster) Oh, you’ve done
this before. (they both laugh) You know, you should let your hair grow
long.
Buster: Well, I’ve thought about it. I
guess I’d look like you.
Lucille
turns his head at them and finds Oscar’s gaze.
Oscar: (to Buster, but looking at
Lucille) More than you’ll ever know.
The
significant music sounds, but Lucille just rolls her eyes and turns the TV on.
On the screen, John Beard presents the news.
John
Beard: Are you
living in one of Saddam’s many palaces? They may have been built by the same
developer. And a seal attack. Meet one surprised bather, coming up.
Worried,
Lucille looks back at Oscar and Buster, who has lean on Oscar’s back, put his
long, grey hair over his head, and is looking at the result in the hand mirror.
He laughs stupidly.
Cut to
G.O.B. sitting frozen at the Bluth Company.
Narrator: Seven minutes had passed since
G.O.B. had discovered the documents.
Assistant: (on the intercom) G.O.B.,
your mother on line 1.
G.O.B.
picks it up without a word...
Lucille: (on the phone) I’m coming
over. Don’t talk to anyone.
...and
hangs up in the same way.
Cut to
Lucille and Buster walking down the street.
Narrator: It was at that moment that Lucille
was stopped by a documentary filmmaker.
Documentary
filmmaker: (Michael
Moore look alike) Alright, your company is being accused of profiting off
of the buildling of houses in Iraq.
Lucille: That’s crazy, we’re all loyal
Americans.
Documentary
filmmaker: Oh,
yeah? Would you enlist your son or daughter in the Army?
There’s
a pause as Lucille looks at Buster. Then...
Lucille: Yes.
Buster
looks at his mother in shock.
Commercials.
Michael
enters the model home, hammer in hand. The walls and the door are a little
smeared in blue paint. He gets it on his hands so he goes to wash in the
kitchen sink.
Narrator: Michael was out of options. And
knowing that his father had a penchant for hiding valuable things in walls,
considered one last desperate gambit.
Cut to
Michael about to hit a wall with his hammer. But he stops to reflect.
Michael: This is crazy. What am I doing? (goes
O.S...) Using a hammer to try to...? (...only to return to hit
the wall with full force with a sledgehammer) Ahhhhhh!
Tobias: (O.S.) Ahhhhh!
And
Michael gets his hole in the wall. As he peers through it, a blue Tobias peers
back at him. He’s in the bathroom. They talk through the hole.
Tobias: Are you crazy?
Michael: Are you blue?
Tobias: (smiling) Only in color,
Michael. Only in color.
He
comes out of the bathroom. He’s in his cut-offs, flip-flops and glasses, and
his back and “love-handles” are not completely covered in the blue paint.
Tobias: It seems like I might have
stumbled upon an acting opportunity.
Michael: As a member of the Blue Man Group?
Tobias: Oh, no, you’re thinking of the
support group. (Michael just blinks) I made that same mistake myself.
They’re called: The Blue Man Group. (Michael just stares at him) But
it’s funny, if I hadn’t sought out a support group, I never would have gotten
this gig as an understudy for a performance art group. You know, the universe
works in mysterious ways, Michael. You never know where help is going to come
from, until you look for it.
Michael: Why does everyone think that I
need help?
Tobias: Michael, look at you. (puts his
hands on Michael’s shoulders and smears blue paint on his shirt) I mean,
you’re holding a sledgehammer, your shirt is covered... (realizes) Oh, I
did that. Here, let me...
Tobias
tries to clean Michael’s shirt with a rag, but gets nowhere and the men just
stare at each other.
Narrator: And Michael realized that he, too,
had been too proud.
Michael: I need money.
Tobias: I can’t help you.
Michael: I know. (taking off his shirt) It
did bother me that they did so well without me. But I do have to ask them for
help.
Tobias: And I have to ask for an audition.
Michael: You haven’t auditioned yet?
Tobias: Oh, no, no. I’m not in the group yet. No, I’m
afraid I just blue myself.
Michael: (beat as he looks at Tobias) There’s
gotta be a better way to say that.
Cut to
Tobias walking briskly down the street.
Narrator: Tobias rushed to the theater
hoping to be seen. Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he couldn’t be seen.
As
Tobias crosses a street, Barry -who drives looking at his zit in the rear view
mirror- runs him over with his car.
Barry: What the hell was that? (keeps
looking at his zit. Doesn’t seem his gonna stop)
Cut to
the hospital. The whole family is there again as Michael and George Michael
enter.
Narrator: And so, for the second time in two
days, the family gathered at the hospital.
Michael: (hugging Lindsay)
Everything’s going to be okay. I’m sure he’s going to be fine. I’m so sorry
that this happened. (notices and touches Lindsay’s wet hair but says nothing
about it. Instead, he holds her hands) I spoke to him just before he left
the house.
Lindsay: (quickly) Oh, really? What
did he say? What was the last thing he said?
Flashback
as Michael remembers.
Tobias: I just blue myself.
Back
to the present.
Michael: (beat) He said some
wonderful things. Including the fact that sometimes people are too proud to ask
for help when they need it.
And so
they all start asking Michael’s help...
G.O.B.: (holding the metalic briefcase
to his chest) Oh, God! Okay, fine: I need you!
Lucille: I need you. Okay, Michael?
Michael: No, no. I didn’t mean for you...
Lindsay: It was a realtor, Michael. Now my
husband’s in the hospital. (turns away guiltily)
Buster: Mom volunteered me for the Army.
Just because the fat man dared her to.
Lucille: We can’t let them take Buster.
Annyong: I lost my wig. My Uncle Sam wig.
G.O.B.: (still holding the case
tightly) Michael, I am sitting on some very hot information here. I know
too much. I’ve got the thingie. Half in English, half in squibbly.
Lucille: Michael, please, we need you!
There’s
a beat as Michael makes his dramatic pause. Then...
Michael: Well, I hate to cancel my medical
follow-up in Phoenix, but you give me the corporate checkbook, and I’ll see
what I can do.
Doctor
#3: (approaches
from behind the group) Excuse me, Mrs. Fünke.
Everybody
turns to look at him.
Lucille: Oh, this guy again.
Michael: How is he, doctor.
Doctor
#3: It looks like
he’s dead.
Everyone
is shocked.
Lucille: Oh, my god!
G.O.B.: Oh, little guy. The tears aren’t
coming. The tears just aren’t coming. (Oscar hugs him and surreptitiously
takes the briefcase)
Michael: Just to be clear: looks
like he’s dead or he is dead?
Doctor
#3: It just looks
like he’s dead. He’s got like blue paint on him or something. (the family is
shoked again) But he’s going to be fine.
G.O.B.: What is wrong with you?!
Maeby: This (bleep)ing
doctor!
Doctor
#3: I’ll let you
celebrate privately. (leaves)
Lucille: (at the doctor’s back) Hey,
we want this comped!
Lindsay
throws something at the doctor’s back, though it doesn’t seem to hit him.
Oscar: Well, I’m gonna, I’m just gonna
head out. You don’t need some piece of (bleep) uncle hanging around...
As he
starts leaving, the police arrives and subdues him once again.
Michael: (to the policemen) Hey,
hey, that’s not my dad. That’s not the guy you want. If you want anyone, it’s
me.
G.O.B.: Michael...?
Lucille: What?
Michael: Yeah, I’ve got to turn myself in
or make bail, maybe by like eight o’clock... (to the Straggler Policeman
who’s arrived and is hiting Oscar in the head with his nightstick) Hey,
hey, hey! That’s enough. (to Oscar, who’s getting up with one hand on his
head and the other still holding the briefcase) Oh, hey, You might want to
have that looked at.
Oscar: Thanks, Mikey. (kisses Michael
as he flinches, then leaves, briefcase in hand)
Michael: (to the rest of the family)
Yeah, they think that I’m involved in this Iraq thing, and I can’t prove that
I’m not with dad not around, so I need your help or I’m going to go to jail.
G.O.B.: We’ve got the proof, Michael:
Dad’s signed contract with Saddam.
Buster: (approaches Michael and
whispers to his ear) Hussein...
Michael
looks at his mother. She nods.
Lucille: Use it. If it makes your father
look bad, then so be it. He’s long gone now.
G.O.B.: (looking around) Hey, uh,
where’s the briefcase?
George
Michael: Oscar has
it.
Just
then Oscar arrives, and not from where he’s left before. Also, he’s wearing
different clothes.
Oscar: Hey, I’m awfully sorry I’m late. I
got here as fast as I... (off the family’s looks) Oh, how is he?
Lucille: Did you just change your clothes?
Annyong: (approaches, waving his Uncle
Sam hat) Hey, look what I found on window sill. Just hat. Someone take wig.
Michael
processes that.
Cut to
George, Sr. on the run. He steps onto the stairs of the portable stairway
vehicle...
Narrator: In fact, it was George, Sr. who
took wig,...
George
Sr: (bangs the
side if the stairs a couple of times) Hit it!
...and
it takes off, making George Sr.’s wig fly off his head.
Narrator: ...and was fleeing the country
with the evidence Michael so badly needed.
Cut
back to the hospital. Michael looks shocked. G.O.B. puts a hand over Michael’s
shoulder and Michael turns his head towards him.
G.O.B.: (looking at Michael straight in
the eye) You’ve made a huge mistake.
Michael
blinks as someone puts their hand over his other shoulder.
Fade
to white.
Narrator: On the next Arrested
Development...
Cut to
Tobias’ hospital room. Lindsay is sitting beside him on the bed as Doctor #3
enters and takes Tobias’ pulse.
Narrator: Lindsay almost stumbles upon a
dating opportunity...
Doctor: (looking at Lindsay) You
look really hot!
Lindsay
smiles broadly.
Narrator: ...but instead is admitted to the
hospital with a fever of 104.
Cut to
Lindsay in a hospital bed, right beside Tobias’.
Cut to
Michael at the Bluth Company. He opens the checkbook but all he finds is a slip
of paper left.
Narrator: Michael finally gets the corporate
checkbook... only to find that the family has gotten to it first.
Cut to
the O.C. prison. Michael is visiting Barry there.
Narrator: And Barry lands in jail.
Michael: You’re glad Tobias is pressing
charges?
Barry: I am having the time of my life!
Another
inmate passes by and shakes hands with Barry...
Doctor
Hate: Hey.
Barry: Hey, Doctor Hate. (holds onto
Dr. Hate’s hand for as long as he can)
Guard: No touching!
Barry
exhales deeply, a big smile on his face. Michael just stares at him speechless.