On-screen Title - Michael Bluth. Manager/The Bluth Company

Narrator: This is Michael Bluth. He’s a good man. For 10 years, he’s worked for his father’s company, waiting to be made a partner. And right now, he’s happy. This is Michael’s mother.

On-screen Title - Mrs. Lucille Bluth. Socialite.

Lucile: Look what they’ve done, Michael. Look what the homosexuals have done to me.

Michael: You can’t just comb that out and reset it?

Narrator: Currently she’s upset that her husband’s retirement party is being upstaged by a group of gay protestors.

Protestors: We’re here! We’re queer! We want to get married on the ocean!

Lucile: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It jut makes me want to set myself on fire.

Lindsay: (sighing) Good grief mother. Not all homosexuals are flamboy--- Oh my God! I have the exact same blouse.

On-screen Title - Lindsay Bluth Funke. Activist.

Narrator: This is Michael’s twin sister, Lindsay, the self-proclaimed liberal member of the family.

Lucile: I like it better on him

Narrator: As a youthful act of defiance, Lindsay married this man. (a picture of Tobias) On-screen Title - not on boat. They moved to Boston, where they’ve become celebrated for their wine and cheese fund-raisers.

Lindsay’s house, where she is hosting a fund-raiser for “Stop the Hunger.” Lindsay: (to a waiter offering her hors d’oeurves) Oh no, I’m completely stuffed. (to a guest) Um I forget their name but I know they’re hungry. I think some are thirsty.

Back on the Boat

Narrator: This is Michael’s oldest brother, poor Gob.

Michael: (approaching Gob) So, this is the magic trick, huh?

Gob: A trick is something a whore does for money. (off little kids in front of him, mouths open with shock) Or cocaine.

On-screen Title - G.O.B. George Oscar Bluth II. Magician (part-time)

Narrator: Gob recently started the Alliance of Magicians, an organization that blackballs any performer who reveals a magician’s secret.

A photo of “The Alliance of Magicians” is shown. Gob, front and center holds up a large card that reads “We Demand To Be Taken Seriously”. Around him are a group of magicians some of whom are in strange costumes.

Narrator: And finally there’s Buster, the youngest of Michael’s siblings.

Michael: Hey, Buster.

Buster starts to knead Michael’s shoulders while laughing.

Michael: You know, you don’t need to do that buddy. It’s okay.

On-screen Title - Byron “Buster” Bluth. Graduate Student.

Narrator: Thanks to the family’s largesse, Buster has studied everything from Native American tribal ceremonies…

Buster, a group of some other grad students and a Native American, sit around a camp fire beating traditional drums. Buster is really into it. He’s doing it all wrong and is corrected by the Native American. His enthusiasm fades.

Narrator: ...to cartography, the mapping of uncharted territories.

Buster: Actually, I’m studying cartography now - the mapping of uncharted territories.

Michael: Sure. Hasn’t everything already sort of been discovered, though, by, like Magellan and Cortes? NASA, you know?

Buster: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Michael: Those people.

Buster: But there’s still…

Lucile: (appearing between her sons) Never hurts to double-check.

Michael gives her a confused look

Narrator: He also suffers from crippling panic attacks.

The Bluth family, (Lucille, Lindsay, Michael, Buster and Gob,) pose for a family photograph. In front of a banner that reads “Happy Trails Pard’ner!” Michael stands in the middle and is the only one who even looks vaguly happy.

Narrator: Yes, this is his family. So why is Michael so happy? Because he’s decided never to speak to these people again.

Title card.

Michael is lying on the floor, in a sleeping bag, having just woken up. George Michael is in a sleeping bag next to him

Narrator: Michael was feeling more generous about his family on the morning of the boat party.

On-screen Title- … the morning of the boat party

Michael: What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?

George-Michael: Breakfast

Michael: Family

George-Michael: Family. Right. I thought you meant of the things you eat.

Narrator: This is Michael’s son, George-Michael.

On-screen Title - George Michael Bluth. Frozen banana salesman/ child.

Michael: I mean, we have made nothing but sacrifices for this family, and tonight it all pays off, my boy. Tonight your granddad makes me partner. (George Michael smiles)

Michael playfully hits George Michael over the head with his pillow

Narrator: To prove is dedication to the family business, Michael has decided to live here, in the model unit of his father’s latest housing tract.

A print ad for “Sudden Valley. A Bluth Company Development.” With a watercolor painting of a few houses on a street.

A real house stands alone on partially developed land.

Michael and George Michael, in the attic, are putting away their makeshift beds.

A wooden sign outside the house reads “Model unit. Have a Look Around!”

Narrator: The guys live in the attic so that the house can still function as a pristine selling tool.

Michael and George Michael walk downstairs to the dining room

George-Michael: So you think he’s going to announce it on the boat?

Michael: Yeah, absolutely. It’s his retirement party. Plus he’s been dropping a lot of hints.

George-Michael: What kind of hints?

Michael: It’s funny. It’s not a “hint” hint, but he’s been calling me “pardner.”

George-Michael: Yeah, that’s - that’s like partner.

Michael: Of course, he has been going through a little bit of a cowboy phase. No. I’ll be my own boss. I’ll finally be able to get you what you deserve. Like a real home.

They sit at the dining room table

George-Michael: This is a real home.

Michael: No, it’s not. It’s a fake home, son. You want the loops or the flakes today?

Michael lifts up what looks like a real roast turkey which was sitting on a platter in the middle of the table. It is actually plastic, hollow and stuffed into it are three mini boxes of cereal

George-Michael: I’d rather live like this than my aunt and uncles, whose eyes have never stung from the sweet sweat of a hard day’s work.

Michael lifts a large, fake tv from a shelf, turns it around and George Michael removes two cycling helmets from it’s hollow interior.

Michael: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where are you getting all that?

George-Michael: From you. You say it every couple of years when they come out to visit.

Michael: Well, maybe you’re right. Maybe they are spoiled. But you know what, son? That is not our problem. That is their problem. (Michael replaces the TV) We have a good thing going here. You see, you’ll find that you have much more dignity and self-respect when you learn (a middle aged couple of potential buyers walk in the front door, Michael notices them.) …that this house has got everything we’re looking for.

George-Michael: And more! Can we buy it, Dad? Can we buy the house?

Michael: We’re gonna try, son. But we gotta hurry. These are gonna get all snapped up. (to the couple) Oh good morning. (to his son) I’ll race you to the bank.

George-Michael: All right.

George Michael and his father cycle down a waterfront pedestrian walk way.

Narrator: The guys then headed down to Balboa island. (A small ferris wheel turns next to a sign that says “Welcome to Balboa”) It was here, in 1953, that George Sr. started a business selling a novelty food item called, the frozen banana. (Black and white footage of women making frozen bananas. A picture of the frozen banana stand with the On-screen title - 1953) Like his father before him, Michael had gotten his son a job there, to bolster the boy’s self-esteem.

George Michael stands in the small banana stand, which is the shape of half a banana stood on it’s cut end.

George-Michael: Ten cents gets you nuts. (George Michael spots Gob on his segue driving down the street towards him) Uncle Gob? Uncle Gob.

Gob: (approaching the stand. To George Michael.)Give me a dollar. No, the 20. This is gonna blow your mind. Some say wealth is an illusion. Well, lets just see. For one moment, it’s here, and in the next… (producing a full sized Monopoly box from where the bill was) Monopoly. (Gob gives him the game) You don’t have it do you?

George-Michael: Yeah, I think I might.

Gob: That’s good, ‘cause a lot of the pieces are missing. Oh to play Monopoly with my family again. I’d give anything to be eight.

George-Michael: I’m thirteen

Gob: No, I wasn’t crazy about 13. The acne, self-consciousness, the erections. (George Michael looks flustered) You okay?

George-Michael: Yeah, I’m okay.

Gob: (turning and segueing off) Hey, there’s the man I came to see.

George-Michael: Uh, Uncle Gob, where’s the 20?

Gob: (turning back towards the banana stand) Hey, a magician never reveals his secret. That’s what I started the whole alliance about.

The same photo of the Alliance of Magicians

George-Michael: I don’t need the secret. I just need the 20.

Gob: What you need to know is that it’s magic.

George-Michael: Wow. It’s so much like stealing. (Gob turns and leaves)

Michael stands on a dock talking to someone dressed in a captain’s uniform.

Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, was making final preparations for his father’s boat party.

Michael: It’s sort of a “pass the torch” situation, so if you’ve got a wireless mic - -

Captain: Got it.

Michael: Or a torch. Now that I think about it. It’s just a joke. (Gob segues up to them) Hey.

Gob: Michael.

Michael: Gob. I’m sorry. Uh, Captain, this is my brother Gob.

Captain: How are you?

Gob: I’m incredible. I’m having an incredible year. (Gob raises his hand looking for a high-five. The captain obliges) Right up top.

Michael: We’ll finish inside. (The captain leaves) Look at you. Are you doing good?

Gob: Please, look.

Michael: Right. Great. You got your check for your share of the party?

Gob: You know, I sort of thought my contribution could be a magic show.

Michael: A magic show. Oh, that’s perfect, Gob

Gob: Thank you.

Michael: Wait a minute. I just remembered something. Dad’s retiring, not turning six.

Gob: Hey, come on! I just bought this new illusion called the Aztec Tomb. It cost like 18 grand! I’m gonna do it on the boat.

Michael: I don’t care.

Gob: What do you care? Can’t you just charge the party to the company?

Michael: It’s not a business expense.

Gob: So what? Lindsay’s been staying at the Four Seasons for like a month. She’s probably charging the company.

Michael: Linsday’s been in town for a month?

Gob: I don’t think so. (He turns and segues away)

Narrator: Michael was upset to hear this, so he went to discuss it with his mother.

Michael walks into his mother’s apartment)

Michael: Mom! Mother! Give me your company checkbook. You’re cut off.

Lucille walks into the living room where Michael is standing. She is upset and holding a large hair-brush and a fox stole.

Lucille: Michael, look. Look what happened to my fox. Someone cut off his little foot. (wrapping the stole around her neck) Is it - Is it noticeable?

Michael: You’ve gotta remember - - You’re gonna be all splattered in red paint. That’s gonna distract the eye. (Lucille takes off the stole, rolling her eyes) Listen, I don’t want you charging any more of your personal expenses to the company. Okay?

Lucille: (brushing her hair, while walking towards the dining room) Well, I had to pay for the Aztec Tomb. Gob says it’s a career-maker.

Michael: Wait. The company paid for the Aztec Tomb? That’s great. That’s great. Well, listen. I was talking about Lindsay, okay? You put her in a five-star hotel, on top of which you didn’t even tell me she was in town.

Lucille: If you’re saying I play favourites, you’re wrong. I love all my children equally.

On-screen tile: Earlier that day…

Lucille sits in a restaurant near the water drinking from a martini glass.

Lucille: (to Buster who stops eating and looks up at her) I don’t care for Gob

Back to the present

Lucille: Good grief! I dipped into the kitty a couple of times. You should be focused on tonight. You’re dad’s making a big announcement.

They stop walking, now in the dining room

Michael: Yeah? I knew it. It’s about me, isn’t it? (Lucille winks, but it’s more face scrunch than wink) I wonder how I can talk you out of ever making that face again.

Tobias walks into the room

Tobias: Michael!

Michael: Tobias.

Tobias: How are you? (Tobias laughs and pulls Michael into a hug. Michael’s half is less enthused.)

Michael: Good, good. How’s your job search comin’?

Tobias: It’s good. It’s going to be good.

Michael: Yeah? Great.

Tobias: I’m hoping the universe provides a path for me.

Narrator: Tobias recently lost his medical license for administering C.P.R. to a person who, as it turned out, was not having a heart attack

The same picture of Tobias.

A series of still, black and white photographs, taken by ‘Camera 7’ by the “East Pool”. The photographs show a large man lying in a pool chair, Tobias walking up to him and giving the man C.P.R.

We see the same photo of Tobias, but we’ve zoomed out a bit this time, revealing it is from a newspaper. The headline reads “Sleeping Tourist has Sternum Broken” The sub-heading says “East Coast Man Hospitalized by Accidental ‘Rescue’.” The photo above it shows the ambulance and one of the paramedics taking care of the man, while the other asks Tobias questions.

Back to the present

Michael: Maybe you’ll be inspired by the boat party tonight, start a career as a pirate.

Tobias: I haven’t packed for that.

Lindsay walks in to the living room. Michael notices her.

Lindsay: Couldn’t find a thing.

Michael: Lindsay!

Lindsay: Michael!

Michael: How was your flight?

Lindsay: Great. Great. We just got in.

Lucille: He knows.

Lindsay: A month ago. Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve been meaning to call you. I really have.

Michael: Really?

Lindsay: It’s just-I’ve been - Well, I need to decompress. I’ve been very busy.

Tobias: (fiddling with his glasses with a small screwdriver) It’s been crazy.

Lindsay: We just had an amazing fundraiser for HOOP.

Michael: HOOP?

Lindsay: My anti-circumcision movement.

Lindsay’s house, where she is hosting a fund-raiser for “H.O.O.P. Hands Off Our Penises.”

Lindsay: (to a guest) I think it looks frightening when it’s cut off. It’s a Doberman. Let it have its ears.

Back to the present

Lindsay: Believe it or not, we brought in over $40,000

Michael: Unbelievable. Sounds like you saved enough skin to make 10 new boys.

Tobias: Well, most of that money was from the Bluth Company. (Michael turns to his mother, aghast. She stops drinking. Lindsay glares at Tobias. Lucille has her eyes closed, sighing.) I mean how…are you?

Michael: Still good. You know what? You guys have had your hands in the company coffer for years. But starting tomorrow, there is going to be a new boss in town and (the sound of pounding drums) you’re all gonna have to start fending for yourselves. You’re all gonna finally feel that sweet sting of sweat in your eyes. As - Buster! (Michael turns to Buster, who is frantically banging on the drum we saw him with earlier. Buster stops druming.) You can’t do that on the balcony, buddy?

Buster: Mom says it’s too windy.

Lucille: (looking at her stole) Who could have done this?

Maeby stands in front of the banana stand, with the missing foot from the fox. She turns and walks up to the stand.)

Narrator: While Michael was getting fed up with his family, George Michael was finally getting to know them.

Maeby: (to George Michael) Um, yeah. I bought a frozen banana, and when I bit into it, I found this. (holding up the fox’s foot)

George Michael: Looks like a foot.

Maeby: (slamming the foot down on the counter) It tasted like a foot. Which I didn’t really mind, but I’m pretty sure I said no nuts.

George Michael: Hey, you’re my cousin, aren’t you?

Maeby: Maybe.

Narrator: This is George Michael’s cousin, Maeby.

On-screen title - “ Mae “Maeby” Funke. Cousin.

Narrator: Maeby had found unique ways to rebel.

Linsday is sitting on a lounger, reading a magazine.

Lindsay: Maeby, this is a cute tattoo for you.

Maeby: (she is wearing a formal dress, has make up on and her hair done up.) Mom, I want to enter beauty pageants. (Maeby waves. Lindsay looks horrified)

Back to the present

Maeby: I can’t believe you didn’t recognize me.

George Michael: We never see you. We never see anybody in our family.

Maeby: I know, it’s our parents’ fault. We should teach them a lesson.

George Michael: (laughing) Yeah. No, I don’t think so.

Maeby: You know what we should do? I should go to my mom tonight, and be like, “ I met the cutest guy.” And then she’ll see you and me totally making out.

George Michael: (nervous laughter) But - But- not really, right?

Maeby: She’d freak out, and I’d be like, “Mom, if we saw each other more often, this wouldn’t happen.”

George Michael: But we’re cousins.

Maeby: That’s what makes it funny.

George Michael: But isn’t it against the law?

Maeby: I don’t think so.

George Michael: I know for certain that the yacht club would have a problem with it.

Maeby: (pawing at his nose with the foot ) Come on, George Michael.

Tobias is in his bathroom, getting ready for the party. He puts some after-shave behind his ears, takes off a clear shower cap, and plays with his nipple.

Narrator: Tobias, now believing the boat party to be pirate-themed--

Tobias: (pulling out a frilly shirt from an open suitcase lying on the bed; trying on a pink lace-y scarf as a bandana) You look like a pirate!

Narrator (cont.): - began searching through his wife’s luggage for an outfit.

Tobias: (He holds up a pair of black pinstriped pants to himself, and then the frilly shirt) I should say so! Look at the blouse, sir!

Tobias walks through a hotel lobby with the clothes he was trying on earlier.

Narrator: Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates, (Tobias joins two men in big wigs and bright jackets who exit to a van where there are more men dressed similiarly, some of whom are waving rainbow flags) Tobias boarded a van full of homosexuals. (Tobias and the other men are now on the boat. Some of the men hold signs that say things like “Why Knot” “Down with the Yacht Club” and “Allow Same Sex marriage at sea”) Soon he became unwittingly part of a protest against the local yacht club.

Tobias: (to one of the men on the boat) How are you?

the same shot as before

Lindsay: Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse.

Lucille: I like it better on him. Lindsay gives her mother a look

Maeby and George Michael sit on a staircase on the boat.

Maeby: I don’t understand why you work every weekend. Aren’t you, like, my age?

George Michael: Well, it’s important to be responsible. I think there aren’t enough young people out there today who have a real work ethic.

Maeby: What do you mean?

George Michael: I don’t know.

Narrator: And George Sr. finally made his retirement speech.

George: I guess it’s time for me to, uh, mosey on. And although I won’t be saddling up and going in every day, there’s someone else who’s going to. I give you the new C.E.O. for the Bluth Company. (Michael looks expectant) Certainly the smartest Bluth. (Michael looks proud.) My favorite Bluth. And the sexiest creature I have ever laid eyes on. (Michael looks bewildered but unsuprised.) My lovely wife, Lucille. (Lucille squeals. Buster jumps up and starts clapping. Michael and his son look shocked. The guests applaud. Lindsay hugs her mother and looks delighted.)

Lindsay: Mom! Mom, congratulations. (One of the guests hands Lucille a bouquet of red roses.)

George: (Hugging Michael) Sorry, it’s not the right time. (Michael looks shocked)

(Lucille revels in the limelight, twirling around with her roses and champagne bottle)

Lindsay: I’m not going to lie to you, Michael. This is great news for HOOP. (Michael looks shocked)

Commercial break.

Michael stands on the deck of the boat (in the same shot as the opening), watching the protest boat of ‘pirates’. He is ruefully smiling. One of the protesters dances with a sign saying “Freedom”. George Michael walks up to his father.

Michael: Hey.

George Michael: You okay?

Michael: Yeah. You know what? I’m great. You and I, we’ve waited long enough. It’s time to move on. Okay? I want you to say your good-byes. It’s the start of a whole new life for us. All right?

George Michael looks sadly towards the party.

George Michael: (approaching Maeby)I guess we’re gonna see you guys even less now.

Maeby: I told you. We should’ve taught them a lesson.

George: I want a picture of the new C.E.O. with all her kids. (Lindsay walks past Maeby and George Michael on her way to George. Maeby sees this opportunity and grabs her cousin and kisses him. Lindsay fails to notice despite walking right past them. ) All right. Lets see some smiles, people. (George stands behind the camera, taking pictures of his wife and children. ) It’s a -- It’s a party, not a shareholders’ meeting. (a rim shot)

Gob: (sirens wail)Are those police boats? (another rim shot)No I’m serious. I think they are police boats.

Police (over loudspeaker): Prepare to be boarded! Prepare to be boarded!

George Michael: (breaking the kiss) I knew it was against the law.

George: That’s the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Lindsay: The S.E.C.?

Buster: They have boats?

George: Give me a cell phone. Give me a cell phone.

Lucille: (panicky but in charge.) Lindsay, Buster, up to the bridge! Come on Buster!

Lindsay: (pushing people out of her way, running towards the bridge.) Almighty good grief!

George: (on a cell phone)Delores, listen to me.

Lindsay: Out of my way!

George: Empty the account.

Lindsay: Out of my way!

George: Why are you crying? Why are you crying?

Lucille: (to the captain, who is at the wheel. She removes him from his post and moves him to the back of the room)Out of my way! Out! Out! Out! Lindsay, take the wheel! Buster, find us a channel to the ocean!

Buster: (flustered) Gee, I don’t really have any mapping equipment with me.

Lindsay: You’ve had $80, 000 worth of cartography lessons. Get us a channel to the ocean!

Buster: Okay. Okay. Okay.

George: Can you hear me now?

The captain has now been locked outside the bridge. He stands by the door looking in through the glass.

Buster: Obviously this blue part here is the land. That would mean-(shuddering)

Lucille: Oh, Buster, Buster. You’ll be all right.

George: Shredder. No. Save it. Save it. Shredder.

Lucille: (Buster is slowly slouching down a wall, hyperventilating.)Please don’t leave us now. Buster! Please!

Lindsay: Buster!

On the deck, escorting his father into the Aztec Tomb.

Gob: Get in the tomb The Aztec Tomb.

George: Save it. Shred it. Hold on. Listen, I don’t have time for your magic tricks.

Gob: Illusions, Dad! You don’t have time for my illusions!

George: What is wrong with you? Why are you so angry?

Gob: Look. Just stay in the box. I’ll make you disappear.

Narrator: The Bluth family dominated the news that night.

On TV

News Title: . Pursuit

Newscaster: Southern California is the home of the high-speed freeway chase but tonight’s flee from justice was on the sea and slow as molasses. News Title: . Arrested Developer! Bluth Development Company President George Bluth was arrested tonight for defrauding investors and using the company as his personal piggy bank. News Title: Swish -bucklers! More intrigue on the high seas tonight as dozens of local pirates were arrested for protesting the yacht club’s discriminatory policies.

A police station waiting room

Narrator: Even Michael’s brother Gob made the news.

On TV

Trisha Thoon (other newscaster): (mispronounces Gob) It was mister Bluth’s son, Gob, a part- time magician who hid his father here in the Aztec Tomb. By pushing on this pivoting panel, Mr. Bluth was able to hide in this airless chamber-

Back in the waiting room Gob: I have to think the Alliance is gonna frown on this.

Trisha Thoon (other newscaster) (cont.) : Perhaps a good trick for a human, but the dogs found him almost instantly.

Tobias and the other ‘pirates’ are freed, spilling them into the waiting room.

Man: Free at last, darlings.

Tobias: (Hugging Lindsay and Maeby They do not hug him back.) I’m all right

Lindsay: Thank God.

Tobias: Oh, what an adventure. Oh, my goodness! (Buster, having snuck up behind him, grabs Tobias’ shoulders and starts kneading them, as he is prone to doing.) Buster! Don’t do that. (Buster stalks off, offended.)What an adventure, gang. I thought that the homosexuals were pirates. But it turns out that most of them were actors in the local theater. (The assembled family look at him as the strange eccentricity he is. Tobias chuckles) You’re right though. It is amazing. I’ve been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me and-and I think it has.

Lindsay: You’re gay?

Tobias: No. No. I’m not - I’m not gay. No. Lindsay, how many times must we have this -No. I want to be an actor.

Lucille throws her head back and rolls her eyes. Tobias giggles. Michael walks in and joins the group. He looks quite disheviled.

Michael: Okay, guys. Um, they are gonna keep Dad in prison at least until this gets sorted out. (Lucille re-applies her lipstick.)Also, the attorney said they’re gonna have to put a halt on the company expense account.

All ghasp

Michael: Interesting. I would have expected that after the “keeping Dad in jail.” Anyway, the first thing I need you guys to do is to cut up your company credit cards.

All protest

Buster: What about the miles?

Lindsay: You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.

Lucille: And I’m putting Buster in charge.

Gob: That’s a good choice.

Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?

Lucille: He’s had business classes.

Buster: Wa- Wa- Wa- Wait. Eighteenth-century agrarian business. But I guess it’s all the same principles. Lemme as you: are you at all concerned about an uprising?

Michael: You wanna know what? That’s it. I’m done. I’m sick and tired of all the greed and the selfishness and all the taking. Forget it. I’ve got a son to think about. Lindsay, by the way, I expected this from them because they’re completely oblivious. But you-you should know better. (to George Michael)Come on.

Lucille rubs Lindsay’s arm reasuringly

Gob: I think he’s really mad at you.

Tobias: Somebody is a rude Gus. That’s all.

Narrator: In the days that followed, the Bluth’s assets were officially frozen.

Footage from earlier of the frozen bananas, on trays, being placed in the industrial freezer and the freezer being locked.

Tobias, Lindsay, and Maeby are frantically running around their hotel suite, packing their suitcases.

Lindsay: There’s no more room in this suitcase.

Tobias: Glasses. Where are my glasses?

Lindsay: On your face.

Narrator: Lindsay had no choice but to check her family out of the hotel earlier than planned.

Tobias: (waving a metal plate cover, like the kind that comes on room-service meal plates.) What are we doing with this? What is happening with this?

The family, wearing all of their clothes, run down the hallway of their hotel with their half-packed suitcases. They pass a trolley of room-service meals, Tobias stops and grabs something from one of the plates. The three of them run out the back door.

Narrator: And her husband started looking for work.

Tobias stands in front of a red velvet curtain.

Tobias: My name is Dr. Tobias Funke. I was chief resident of Psychiatry at Mass General for two years and I did my fellowship in psycholinguistics at M.I.T. And this is “I’m a Bad, Bad Man” from Annie Get Your Gun. (Tobias stammers a bit, then begins the song, complete with knee jigging.)

(Lucille stands on some outdoor steps, swarmed by press.)

Narrator: Lucille was finding it difficult to go about her daily life.

Lucille: The S.E.C. is making him out to be some kind of mastermind, which- believe me- he’s not. The man can barely work our shredder.

Michael sits in a white room, behind a glass table.

Narrator: Michael was able to secure a job with a rival housing company almost immediately.

Interviewer: Plus, there are perks. We’ll set you up in Arizona in one of our finest estates.

Michael: Attic or main house? (the interviewers chuckle.)

Buster sits at the large conference table at the Bluth company office, looking pensive but elsewhere.

Narrator: And Buster was discovering his academic pursuits didn’t fully prepare him for his new responsibilities.

Woman: Have you looked at the latest figures on the Sudden Valley expansion vis-à-vis the development versus the tax-

Buster: Amazing. (sliding down his seat.) You guys are so smart. (He slides off.)

Woman (cont.) Two percent per annum. This is a non-recoupable-

On-screen title one hour later…

Lucille and her children, minus Michael, sit around her living room. Gob is drinking

Gob: We need ice.

Buster: (Buster is being wheeled away by paramedics, and has an oxygen mask on his face, muffling his words.) Michael. We need Michael.

Lindsay: Well, how do we do that now?

Tobias: (Reading Variety magazine) Perhaps… an intervention?

Gob, Lindsay, Lucille and Tobias sit on couches in Lucille’s living room, Michael is across from them.

Gob: So, what we’d like to do here is just go around the room and have everyone talk a little about Michael. Things we don’t like about him, or how he annoys us, or maybe just something he does that rubs us the wrong way.

all talking over each other.

Lucille: Jump right in.

Tobias: Right. There’s no right or wrong answer.

Lindsay: I think that’s a great idea.

Michael: Wait. Hold on one second. What exactly is this intervention for?

a beat

Lucille: We need you to come back and run the business.

Michael. Okay. So technically it’s not really an intervention. It’s more of an imposition.

Gob: Whatever you want to call it.

Michael: I’d love to call it an imposition.

Gob: We’re in trouble here, Michael. And I can’t perform my magic. I’m getting blackballed from even the smaller venues.

A man stands in a kid’s play room. A kid’s birthday party goes on just outside the room.

Father: Well, it’s come down to the two of you. And, I’ll be honest. I’m just more comfortable with an Alliance- approved magician.

Gob: (scoffs) Give ‘em a hell of a show champ.

Teen magician: (walking away) Fuck off, traitor.

Back to the present.

Michael: I though - I thought Buster had everything under control. I thought you’d been going to the office.

Buster: Yes, and I’ve enjoyed that. It was just I was constantly being called to the phone or I was asked a question or I was resuscitated. It was really hard work to get a good work flow going.

(all arguing)

Maeby and George Michael sit at the dining room table playing cards. They can hear and see what is going on with their parents. Maeby: Can you believe this? They’re still fighting.

George Michael: Yeah, I know. I’m tempted to kiss again so we could teach ‘em a lesson.

Maeby: Why would that teach them a lesson?

George Michael: No, I mean, uh, to freak them out.

Maeby: Yeah, but that doesn’t make any sense.

George Michael: Isn’t that what makes it funny? I’m laughing. Go fish- Uno-Okay. I just need a drink

Michael: Well, I’m sorry. It’s just too late. I’m truly sorry. I’m moving to Phoenix. I got a job. (the family have blank looks, and are silent.) Something you apply for, and then they pay you to, uh-- Never mind. I don’t want to ruin the surprise. So, no hard feelings. Adios. Sayonara. I’ll see you when the first parent dies.

Lucille: Well, I’d rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.

(The family laughs.)

Tobias: Touche. Touche. Touche.

Michael: (Getting up.) George Michael, grab the coat.

Lucille: I think Dad would want you to help us out here.

Michael: Dad’s in jail.

Tobias: It’s just terrible. Terrible.

Michael: Nice try, Tobias. Here we go.

Lindsay: The least you could do is say good-bye to him.

Orange County Prison

Narrator: In face, Michael had not spoken to his father since the arrest and he decided to give his father the courtesy of a formal resignation.

Michael: I quit.

George: Probably a good career move.

Michael: You know, I parked in the same spot for the last five years. I was there on time every single day.

George: Mike-

Michael: I was so loyal. I worked so hard. Why didn’t you just put me in charge?

George: Michael, listen to me. These guys, the S.E.C. they’ve been after me for years. I put you in charge, you’re gonna be wearing one of these orange jumpsuits too.

Michael: I could’ve helped -

George: You’d have been an accomplice. No. It had to be your mom. (whispering) They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime.

Michael: Yeah, I don’t think that’s true, Dad.

George: Really? I’ve got the worst fucking attorneys. (George Sr. puts his head in his hands.)

Michael: What are you saying? That you did this for me?

George: What have we always said comes before anything else? It’s family first. You do right by your son. “Pardner.”

Guard: Bluth, time!

Michael: (standing) You know, you might want to dial down that cowboy act while you’re in here.

George: Don’t think that didn’t cross my mind.

Lindsay pulls up to the model home in a taxi.

Narrator: With Michael leaving town, Lindsay decided to take inventory of the family’s last remaining asset: their model home. (She collects what she can from the home that is not for display only. She goes to the kitchen, attempts to open a drawer, but instead finds that the drawer is only a fascade as the front comes off in her hand when she pulls on it. She goes to the attic, finds a silver candlestick. She also finds George Michael who is putting things into boxes.)

Lindsay: What are you doing?

George Michael: Packing up. What are you doing?

Lindsay: Well, just looking for…you. (she replaces the candlestick) To say good-bye to you.

George Michael: Gonna miss you guys.

Lindsay: Oh, well. We’ll come out and see you in- -Yeah. We’ll miss you too.

George Michael: It’s been nice having you guys around - you know, to talk to (Michael approaches). Since Mom died-- I just wish we could all stay here.

Michael: I - I need a hand with the van, please.

George Michael: Okay.

Michael: Sorry.

George Michael hugs Lindsay needily. Michael looks on pained. Lindsay doesn’t really know what to do. She looks confused, but ultimately gives in to the moment.

Michaeal and Lindsay sit on the step on the ground floor of the house.

Michael: Well. I - I guess he really misses his family.

Lindsay: Well, he doesn’t know us very well.

Michael: Yeah, clearly. Let me ask you a question. Where the hell have you been? Why didn’t you call me?

Lindsay: Look at my life, Michael. Tobias is out of work. We’re in debt. It’s-

Lindsay makes a strange face.

Michael: What are you doing? Are you trying to cry?

Lindsay: I’m sad. Life is hard right now. I’ve got the J.D.L. on my ass.

Michael: J.D.L.?

Lindsay: Jewish Defense League.

Michael: Oh the circumcision thing? This is why I was against HOOP. Why didn’t you just mind your own business?

Lindsay: This is why I didn’t call you Michael! Because you’re so judgmental.

Michael: No, I’m not judgmental.

Lindsay: And you’re disappointed in me.

Michael: I’m not disappointed in you.

Lindsay: You are.

Michael: So I’m disappointed in you. But, come on. What is not disappointing about my life? I mean, Dad didn’t give me the promotion. Dad’s in jail. How disappointing is that?

Lindsay: We’re a disappointing family.

Michael: We’re an incredibly disappointing family. (Lindsay smiles) But we are a family, and I want my son to be happy. So, maybe we should be in each other’s lives.

Lindsay: I’d like that. (They both smile. Lindsay makes the strange face again.)

Michael: Yeah? Seriously, you’re gonna pull a muscle.

Lindsay: I used to be able to do this.

The whole family, except George Sr. of course, are gathered in the model home’s living room, playing Monopoly.

Narrator: So Michael decided to stay in California and try to save the family business, and for the first time ever, he gathered his family together in the model home.

Michael: Dad was always banker, so there was no beating him.

Lindsay: Totally.

George Michael: He should’ve been stocking up on those “get out of jail free” cards.

Gob: Good one, George Michael! (Gob and George Michael high-five.)

Michael: Very good.

Gob: Yes! (Gob tries to rub George Michael’s shoulders, but he shrugs him off.)

Tobias: (To George Michael) How are you?

Michael: Two hundred for the Short Line.

George Michael: This is fun. I wish you guys didn’t have to go so soon.

Michael: Oh, well, on that subject, these guys are actually gonna be staying with us. For a while. Just your aunt and her husband. Not Gob.

George Michael: Really?

Michael: Yeah. What the hell, huh? Family first. Right? It is gonna be a little crowded, so you’re gonna have to share a room with your cousin.

Narrator: On the next “Arrested Development” -- Many find work for the first time.

George Michael sits on the bed in his now shared room. Maeby sings from the shower. George Michael looks flustered.

Lindsay is being shown the ropes at a jewelry store.

Jeweler: This is the most expensive watch we have, so only let customers who are truly serious try it on.

Lindsay: It is a fun watch. I’ll take it. (Lindsay grabs the watch out of the jeweler’s hands.)

The interviewers who interviewed Michael earlier now sit with Gob, who stands.

Interviewer: It was really your brother we were interested in. I mean, you don’t even have any references.

Gob makes a dove appear from thin air in a could of smoke and fly around the room.

Gob: Is that enough of a reference for you?

Interviewer: (The dove has landed on his head) Even a letter of recommendation, something like that.

Orange County Prison

Narrator: And Michael finds it difficult to get his father out of jail.

Michael: You love it here?

George: Oh, I’m having the time of my life! Hey. T-Bone. (T-Bone and George shake hands)

END