TEASER

(The show starts with two minutes of clips of the past five years episodes. We get to see presents and past characters, reminding us of the best moments of the show.)

CUT TO:

[SCENE 1: ALLY’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM]

(Ally and Maddie are on the couch. Maddie seems sick. She has a thermometer in the mouth.)

Maddie: A serial dater ?

Ally: That’s what I’ve become after dating every guy in Boston.

Maddie: And not one of them worked out. Except for Larry.

Ally: Well except Greg until Renée stole him away.

Maddie: Your roommate stole your boyfriend?

Ally: Sort of. They sang a song together.

Maddie: They sang a song ?

Ally (reaching for the thermometer): Come on.

(She looks at it.)

Ally: Uh. 100.2.  You know I wonder if you do have [strep], and that’s why it just seems to reoccur. All right, up to bed we go.

(They stand up.)

Ally: Do you, uh, do you still feel nauseous?

Maddie: Less much.

Ally: All right, let me get your [pills].

(Maddie starts to climb the stairs.)

Maddie: Oh, oh.

Ally: Maddie?

Maddie: I don’t feel so…

(She faints and falls down the stairs.)

Ally: Maddie ! Maddie !

END OF TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

Special guest-stars: Lisa Nicole Carson, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Gill Bellow and Christina Ricci.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

ACT I

[SCENE 2: ALLY’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM]

(Maddie’s lying on the couch as a doctor is examining her.)

Maddie (to Ally): I’m fine. It’s so embarrassing.

Ally: Honey, just try to stay calm, OK?

Maddie: Ally, I’m calm, you’re the one who called the fire department.

(Shot of a group of firemen.)

Doctor: Well everything seems normal. Not even a fever.

Ally: Then why did she faint?

Doctor (to Ally): Well, she had some sort of a panic attack, or…

Ally: Or what?

Doctor: Or she’s pregnant.

(Ally just stares at him, blankly.)

Doctor: Did you hear me?

(Ally just keeps staring.)

Doctor: Hello?

CUT TO:

[SCENE 3: CAGE & FISH – MEETING ROOM]

(Everybody’s gathered around the meeting table.)

Richard: All right, uh, everybody’s here. Seats please, I have an announcement.

Nell: Don’t tell me, you changed your name to Fish, McBeal… and Bump.

Lisa: Oh, that hurts my feelings, Morgan.

Nell: I apologize, Debbie.

Richard: Never mind. Actually Nell, uh, you’re close. Well, uh, I’m just gonna, uh, say it. I’m taking Lisa for my first wife.

Lisa: And I’m taking Richard for my very first husband.

(Ally looks surprised.)

Richard: We’re getting married.

(He laughs. Everyone just stares at him, confused.)

Elaine: You’ve got to be kidding.

Lisa: Well we’re in love now, why not commit for now!

Ally: Wait, wait, wait. You two are… getting married?

Lisa: You know what they say Ally, after the age of thirty we have better chance to be struck by a lightning...

(Coretta, Nell and Elaine look at her, an angry look in their eyes.)

Richard: The date is June 8th, so take the day and night. Big party, [Gawdy].

Coretta: This June?

Raymond: What’s the rush?

Lisa: We found it best to do while we’re still in love. It will be funnier.

Wilson: What are you two, like nuts?

Richard: Obviously a lot of you have doubts, I can understand that. But the truth is, and studies prove it, most couples sexual passion begin to [decline] before they actually married.

(Ally seems to find Richard's words pathetic.)

Richard: Lisa and I want to be husband and wife and [enjoy ourselves] while in our sexual beat years. Is it a gamble? Of course. But what is love, if not a risk. And should it fail, for some reason, well,…

Richard and Lisa (at the same time): …bygones.

Lisa: Divorce’s ruiny.

(They kiss.)

CUT TO:

[SCENE 4: SOME THERAPIST’S OFFICE]

(Ally and the therapist, a woman, are talking about Maddie.)

Therapist: She’s being socially battered.

Ally: Socially battered?

Therapist: You know what relational regression is?

Ally: Well, I, uh, no.

Therapist: Well it’s complicated but for the sake of simplify it : what boys [do] with their fists, girls do it with gossips, exclusion, [missed word]. With boys it’s the enemy that’s doing the damage, with girls it’s the friends. And the scars go much deeper. Girls, in a word, are vicious. I think your daughter is under tremendous amount of stress.

Ally: Well she, uh, never said anything.

Therapist: They never do. Maddie was involved in a 3-Way last night.

(Ally stares at her blankly.)

Therapist: Do you what’s a 3-Way is?

Ally keeps staring.

Therapist: Miss McBeal?

Ally: Yeah, it’s when, uh, three people engage in a…

Therapist: …a phone call.

Ally: A phone call

Therapist: Two friends conspiring against a third. Last night Maddie and Myra called Jodi. Myra didn’t tell Jodi that Maddie was listening. Then she got Jodi to talk about Maddie. And she said some very nasty things. That’s the game: to talk about the other girl she doesn’t know she’s listening in.

Ally: Well what did Jodi say?

Therapist: A lot. But on top of this, Maddie is feeling enormously displaced. She has a lot of friends in New York; they’re gone. Her father is gone. Her whole life seems to be [drifting] from her.

Ally: So it’s, uh, it’s serious

Therapist: Miss McBeal? Your daughter has basically the form of a nervous breakdown. At ten!

(Ally takes this in.)

CUT TO:

[SCENE 5: CAGE & FISH – RICHARD’S OFFICE]

(Richard enters his office, followed by the Biscuit.)

John: Are you cut to the quick!

Richard: It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.

John: Oh come on, marriage!

Richard: And I want you to be the best man.

John: Richard, do you really know this woman?

Richard: John, every relationship… it’s like a cave, you explore it, you [missed word] it, but you have to be willing to venture into a little dark. That’s, that’s the glory of love. And, with Lisa, the best cave is locked up until after the marriage.

(John seems to find Richard's words pathetic.)

John: Richard, this is serious

Richard: That’s right. For once I’m being serious

John: No you’re not. You’re being insane. This is worthy of Ally. What are you afraid of Lisa leaving you? Is that it? Is that it? That is it, isn’t it? Every love you had has died.

Richard: I want to get married!

John: You’ve know her a month!

(Lisa enters the office.)

Lisa: Hey!

(John, caught off guard, screams the hell out of him.)

Lisa: Talking about me? Hi John. (She punches his cheek) Oh, so cute.

John: Look, Lisa, I don’t want to be a stick in the mud here, but I have a problem with this. What are your reasons for getting married?

Lisa: Well, first if a woman goes too long without marrying, men start to think there’s something wrong with her. Divorcee’s fair better. And second, well, Fishy is so fun and exciting.

(Richard looks happy. John leaves, annoyed.)

Lisa (to Richard): Look, about the wedding, I don’t like walking down the aisle. It feels to formal; as if we walk in a courtroom for god’s sake. I want to be suspended from the ceiling!

(Richard looks confused.)

Richard: Uh, the, uh…

Lisa: If you love me you’ll say yes.

(An old man enters. He looks like some kind of a priest.)

Old Man: Hello. Oh Lisa, Lisa! Oh, my dear.

(They hug.)

Lisa: Oh thank your for coming. This is Reverend Buck. He’s gonna perform the ceremony.

(Reverend and Richard shake hands.)

Reverend: Richard, very pleasure. Oh my son!

(Reverend hugs Richard tightly.)

Reverend: (to Lisa): I can’t believe that you’re getting married. (To Richard) She’s like my own daughter. (To Lisa) And you’re getting married!

(Reverend faints and fall on Richard’s arms on the desk.)

Lisa (casual): It’s OK, don’t worry.

Reverend: (waking up, to Richard): Did it happen?

Richard: What?

Reverend: Oh yes it did.

Lisa: Emotion makes him go [missed words, some kind of medical expression, phonetically it gives vasal vagal, which for me sounds like Chinese, so for the sake of the story let’s just say that emotion makes him faint].

Richard (repeating Lisa’s last words): [...]?

Lisa: That, and laughter. But he reaches right back up.

Richard: Emotion and laughter makes him faint?

Reverend: No biggie.

Richard (concerned): No biggie? How can you perform a wedding ceremony? (Romantically) When Lisa and I exchange our vows, when we’re locking in ocher other’s eyes and express our love, I can assure you it’s gonna be funny.

(Reverend faints on a chair.)

Lisa: You did it on purpose.

Richard: What?

Lisa (to Reverend): Are you OK?

Reverend (standing up): I’m fine, I’m fine.

(Coretta enters.)

Coretta: Richard, Ally’s calling a meeting.

Richard: Ally’s calling a meeting?

Coretta: You made her partner; now she gets to call a meeting.

CUT TO:

[SCENE 6: CAGE & FISH – MEETING ROOM]

(Everyone’s here, except Ally.)

John: Well where is she? She calls a meeting and she doesn’t show up.

Wilson: Easy little guy.

(John looks at him with threatening eyes.)

John: Don’t call me little guy youngster.

(Ally enters.)

Ally: Uh, thanks everybody for coming. Sorry about the short notice but it’s important.

Nell (ironically): You’re changing your hair color?

Ally: No, it’s not that important. But I am resigning, effective immediately.

(Everybody looks at her, confused, silent.)

Nell (after a beat): Ah, ah.

Ally: No, I am. Maddie is having emotional problems so I’ve decided to take her to New York so she can be close to her friends. And my house is on the market if anybody is interested. (Taking her breath, about to cry). Well that’s it.

(She leaves.)

Everyone just looks at each other, confused and in shock.

END OF ACT I

COMMERCIAL BREAK

ACT II

[SCENE 7: CAGE & FISH – UNISEX RESTOOMS]

(Ally enters. She looks haggard. She stares at herself in the mirror.)

[Flashback - Ally and Billy in the restrooms]

Ally: All I ever wanted is to be rich and to be successful with three kids and a husband who was waiting home for me at night to [rub] my feet and, and, and look at me, look how I… I don’t even like my hair!

(She cries. Billy hugs her closely.)

[End of flashback]

Claire (leaving one of the stall): Ally. Are you all right?

Ally (nodding): Mmm, mmm,… I’m fine.

Claire: I can see you’re not.

(Ally doesn’t respond.)

(Elaine enters the restrooms.)

Elaine: You just announced that in a staff meeting?

Ally: Well, what did you want me to do? Call in everybody on one by one?

Elaine: You could’ve called me in. You owe me that.

Ally: Excuse me.

(She leaves. Elaine follows.)

(Reverend enters.)

Claire (smiling): Oh hello, I’m Claire Ottoms.

(Reverend looks at her, then faints.)

CUT TO:

[SCENE 8: CAGE & FISH – MAIN ROOM]

(Richard’s walking down the stairs and sees Ally.)

Richard: Ally?

Ally (weaving him to stop): Ah, Richard, not now!

Richard: Never mind not now, you don’t announced you’re leaving then…

Ally: I said not now

Elaine: When then?

(Ally enters her office, following by Richard who closes the door.)

Richard: I don’t care. This is way too rash.

Ally: Oh don’t lecture me on rash Mister Groom.

Richard: At least take some time to think this through.

Ally: You know Richard I don’t have any time

Richard: Why? Because Maddie is missing her friends?

Ally (angry): Maddie is cracking up!

Richard: It could be genetic.

Ally (about to cry): Richard, she’s falling apart. The doctors are telling me that it is serious. Her emotional health is affecting her nervous system; she needs to go back to New York. And I need to go with her. And I… (A beat) I do really need you to accept that Richard.

Richard (after a long moment): What about… your career?

Ally: Well they, they… they have law firms in New York. (A beat) You know it could be temporary, maybe I’ll be back in a couple of…

Richard (cutting her): It won’t be temporary; you wouldn’t resign if it was temporary.

(Long pause.)

Richard: I want you at my wedding.

Ally: I’ll be back.

Richard: In three weeks, suppose Maddie’s sick?

Ally: She won’t be.

Richard: I just talked it over with Lisa, we can push it up, when do you have to leave?

Ally: Tomorrow night.

Richard: Then the wedding’s tomorrow.

Ally: Oh Richard.

Richard: Then we’ll have a small private ceremony right here in the office and do the church thing later.

Ally: Richard you don’t have to have to have a ceremony…

Richard (firmly): I want you at my wedding.

Ally (about to cry): I will be back.

Richard: Suppose Maddie’s sick?

Ally: She’s not that sick.

Richard: Well we’ll have a small ceremony. Here. Tomorrow. If it’s possible, you can come back for the church thing later. But we’re exchanging vows tomorrow.

(He leaves.)

CUT TO:

[SCENE 9: ALLY’S HOUSE – LEAVING ROOM]

(Ally and Maddie are packing up.)

Maddie: Tomorrow?

Ally: I know it’s insane but they’re gonna have a reception at the bar afterwards then I’m gonna come back here and we’re still gonna make our flight.

Maddie: Why do we have to rush?

Ally: Doctor Winston thinks that it’s very important for you to go to school before summer break so you can reconnect with your friends.

[MUSIC - Dancing Baby's Theme » plays]

(Dancing Baby appears, wearing a NY baseball outfit. Ex-Mayor Rudy Gulliani, half naked, and Hillary Clinton, dragging Bill by a leather collar around his neck, tag along.)

Ally: Oh, no. (To Dancing Baby) What, what, you think you’re funny? No, no, no, no! (To half-naked Rudy Gulliani) And you, it’s not your moment, OK? (To Hillary) And you, you’re not even from New York!

(Hillary makes an angry face as Bill laughs.)

Maddie: Ally?

(Ally click-stops the Dancing Baby Team using her finger as a remote. They freeze.)

Maddie: Who are you taking to?

Ally: To one of my fantasy. You know I told you I talk to them sometimes. Can you excuse me one second?

(She clicks-back on the Dancing Baby Team. They resume dancing.)

Ally: Ok look, if you’re planning on going with me, you can forget about it, you can forget about it right now, OK? I’ll be clear; do you hear me?

(The doorbell suddenly rings. The Dancing Baby Team fades away.)

Ally: Oh brother you know this is just.. What, what, what know, what?

(She opens the door.)

(Renée’s here, a sad look on her face. Ally seems astonished to see her.)

Renée: True?

Ally: True.

(She enters and looks at Ally.)

Ally: Oh come on Renée, please don’t you start to it. It’s tough enough as it is. Hey, you and I Renée we haven’t see all that much of each other anyway. You know we might see more of each other now since [we’re forced to make some] efforts so we could kind of look at this as a sort of a reunion.

(Renée looks surprised.)

Ally: OK?

Renée: OK.

CUT TO:

[SCENE 10: CAGE & FISH – JOHN’S OFFICE]

(John seems deep in thoughts.)

[Flashback: John and Ally in the office]

John: Would you… [may consider] dating me?

Ally: Well I would probably wouldn’t consider dating you since you’re my boss and we work together but otherwise, yeah, I would consider it. I’m sure I would. Otherwise.

[End of flashback]

(John comes back to reality and realizes Nell’s been watching him.)

John: Nell? How long have you been there?

Nell: Have you talked to her?

John: Who?

Nell: Ally!

John: About what?

(Nell just looks at him. He definitely knows about what.)

John: Nell, we all move along at some point. Richard is getting married, Ling became a judge, Ally… is going to New York. People move on, it’s part of life. People move on.

Nell: Right.

(She leaves. John looks sad.)

END OF ACT II

COMMERCIAL BREAK

ACT III

[SCENE 11: CAGE & FISH - RICHARD’S OFFICE]

(Richard, John and the Reverend are there, well dressed. Reverend is in some kind of a cage, attached around the waist by a harness.)

John (to Reverend): Why are you in this, this, this thing?

Richard: Emotion makes him go [missed words, some kind of medical expression, phonetically it gives vasal vagal, which for me sounds like Chinese, so for the sake of the story let’s just say that emotion makes him faint].

John: […] what?

Reverend: Not to worry. The robe will cover the harness. If I should black out, just give it a quick short tip up.

(As a demonstration he pulls the rope and the harness makes him stand up.)

John: This is ridiculous.

Reverend: The harness keeps me from falling; the tug wakes me up. So I won’t miss a bit!

John: Am I the best man or the designated rope tugger?

Richard: You’re both, just do it!

John: Richard, come on. Is this a [missed word] example of your new found maturity or your dumb stick’s defining moment?

Richard: John, truly, have I ever make sense to you?

John: Yes! It’s always been about the money.

Richard: Well exactly, this time it isn’t. You know lots of people are [missed word] on their wedding, I just want to do it with my friends there, and Ally.

(They both look at Reverend who’s struggling with his harness. Then they look at each other with a concerned and confused face.)

CUT TO:

[SCENE 12: THE BAR DOWNSTAIRS THE OFFICE]

(Ally is sitting in the middle in the empty bar, deep in thoughts as Renée walks in.)

Renée: Hey.

Ally: Hey. So you’re ready for the wedding?

Renée: Oh yeah.

Ally (looking at the bar): We had some fun time here, haven’t we Renée.

Renée: Yes. Remember when you lost the bet, you had to get up there and tell a dirty joke.

Ally (bursts laughing): Oh God !

[Flashback: Ally on stage at the bar, telling a dirty joke].

(The all bar's looking at her while she’s speaking.)

Ally: First flea: “OK why are you cold? You didn’t’ do what I said?” And the second flea: “I did exactly what you said. I went into a bar, I had a couple of drinks, I climbed right up the leg of a beautiful stewardess, I nestled in and I passed out all snuggled up. And the next thing you know I am zooming down the freeway in the mustache of some guy on motorcycle.”

(People stares at her, blankly, visibly finding the joke in bad taste. Ally looks mortified.)

[End of flashback]

(Ally and Renée are laughing after remembering this event.)

(Elaine walks in.)

Elaine (surprised): Hello… Renée. (To Ally) Are we doing one on ones now?

Ally: Oh, Elaine.

Elaine: The wedding’s about to start, they want you upstairs.

CUT TO:

[SCENE 13: CAGE & FISH – MAIN ROOM]

(Reverend is performing the wedding ceremony. Everyone is gathered around Richard and Lisa.)

Reverend: Do you Richard take Lisa to be your [missed word] wife, to have and to hold…

Coretta (to Nell): Why is the minister in a cage?

(Nell hushes her silent.)

Claire (to Wilson): Am I [over-dressed]?