Prologue.
Scenes from last episodes.
Cage & Fish office. AMB and EV by EV's desk.
AMB: I don't know Elaine, you know how particular he is about his toilet seat.
EV: It's also the scene of a painful memory, and the bathroom more than anything is a place to wipe the past away. (AMB grabs her chest and starts walking in the lobby - EV follows her) What ?
AMB: I don't know, I... I just... get this...
GT (they are now by the elevator): Bad feeling ?
AMB: You too ?
EV: Yes, Like something is gonna happen.
GT: What is it ?
AMB: I don't know, but it's creepy.
LW (getting out of the elevator): Nelle. I need Nelle.
GT,AMB and EV together: She's baaack !
Credits.
NP's office.
NP: Try to stay calm.
LW: I'm overwrought, overwrought and calm is a bad combination. I don't like that outfit.
RF (coming in): What's up ?
NP: She's overwrought. A group is trying to shut down her mud-wrestling club with a nuisance claim. They're evidently going to court today ex-parte.
RF: I'm gonna back up just half a step. Mud-wrestling club ?
NP: She owns one.
RF: Where, women in the mud, they...
LW: Wrestle ! And MOPE is trying to shut it down ! Why is everyone out to get me ? (RF is grinning)
Conference room. All the lawyers are there (JC - end, BT, GT, RF - end, AMB and NP around the table)
AMB: MOPE ? What's MOPE ?
RF: Mother Opposed to Pornographic Entertainment, they're claiming the club destroys the quiet enjoyment of the community...
AMB: Why would Ling own her own porno club ?
NP: It's not porno. There's not even any nudity. It's just women in bathing suits... wrestling.
AMB (sarcastically): Oh, it's sport !
GT (laughing): How could she own a place like that ?
RF: And keep it a secret, umm... bygones !
NP: Well, she basically bought it as a tax write-off, but it turned out to make a profit.
RF: Anyway, they're trying to shut her down ex-parte, they'll probably be using that women degradation cliché, I want to take the high road and counter with women of our own, Georgia, Ally, Nelle, dream team !
BT, AMB and GT: No !
GT: Not a chance !
RF: I hate to pull ranks, but this is the kind of case where having female litigants is a plus, we owe it to Ling to extend our best efforts, not to mention this is a client with whom I'm still trying to reach sexual fruition, for once I'll ask you to think about someone other than yourselves, can you do that ? Georgia, can you think about the senior partner that signs your pay checks ? How about you Ally, could you possibly consider somebody other than yourself ? I realize it involves using a new muscle, but to me, any job is meaningless unless it offers the opportunity for personal growth. Off we go ! Be lawyers. (he starts to leave)
NP: Hold on a second ! The judge is probably gonna want a hearing, which means I'll need somebody to check this place out.
GT: The mud club ?
NP: I don't like surprises. Billy ?
GT: No ! He's not free.
BT: I'm not ?
NP: I don't need him to wrestle, I just...
GT: No ! He's married ! (AMB laughs a little)
NP: Oh, that's why they had these places, I thought. For married men.
BT (ironically): I think you turned her.
RF: I'll go.
JC: I can go. I'm actually a good spy. Briefly considered a career in the CIA. The ability to glide through a room unnoticed.
AMB: A... spy ?
NP: Well, why don't you both go ? John and Richard, under cover. (she leaves)
JC (to AMB): You took a moment.
Unisex. EV and BT in front of JC's stall. EV is showing BT the remote flusher.
EV: It's all controlled by the same remote.
BT: I don't know, Elaine.
EV (as JC joins them): John ! Look ! (giving him the remote) I've invented an automatic seat warmer. You know how awful it is to seat on an ice-cold toilet, especially in the morning. You can set it for different temperatures, going all the way up to simmer.
JC: Simmer ?
EV: I like a warm seat. Of course this has your auto-flusher (pressing the button and flushing the toilet), standard, and check out this... (she presses another button, and the toilet seat is going up and down) This feature is for married couples, because he always leaves the seat up. Would you like to test drive ? (JC is pressing on the buttons and looking happy).
Court house. AMB, GT, NP and LW are going out of the elevator.
LW: If anybody leads me in there, I expect you all to object.
AMB (upset): Oh, don't worry !
RB: Hey, Georgia ! (AMB and GT turn around and stick around RB)
GT: Ray, hey ! How's it going ?
RB: Same. How about you ?
GT: Same. How's Jaimie ?
RB: Jaimie ? Oh, Jaimie became Cynthia, and Cynthia and I are now over.
LW (coming back to get AMB and GT - to RB): Excuse me, we're in litigation, I don't want her congenial, could you please not engage her ?
NP (grabs her and drags her away): Ling !
LW: You're tugging me. Don't tug me ! (they go away)
GT (to RB): Dumbest case. Wouldn't believe it if I told you.
RB: Mine's worse. Have you ever heard of this group called MOPE ?
GT: Oh oh.
Court room. Raymond Brown (attorney for MOPE) and NP are talking to the judge.
NP: They're no zoning laws which preclude this kind of commercial activity.
RB: We're not here on zoning, we're here on nuisance.
NP: But that takes into account the zoning laws that...
RB: If you raise the zoning laws as grounds for...
NP: We don't need to raise anything. The burden is on you to show cause...
RB: Then perhaps you can give me the chance. I'm actually capable of finishing a sentence
NP: Go ahead.
RB: First traffic, congestion. Second, the activity. It stigmatizes the whole neighborhood, it's the equivalent of a strip joint.
LW (getting up): What ?
Judge: Miss Woo ?
LW: Your Honor, it is not a strip joint. That slathered me. I'd like to amend my answer to include defamation naming him and MOPE...(AMB pulls her back down)
NP: Ling !
RB: Look, bottom line is, this place is offensive to women. Demeans the neighborhood. It should be stopped.
Judge: I'd like to hear from one of the complaining parties. Do we have any ?
RB: Miss Stokes lives in the neighborhood. She's affected by the presence of this club.
MS (raising from the plaintiff's table): It's a filthy sex club. And with all that filthy mud !
Judge: Umm, Miss Stokes, we'll do this formally. Well hear from you after lunch. Two o'clock ?
RB: Sure.
LW, AMB, NP and GT in front of the elevator.
LW (
to NP): You Linged me in there.
GT: The hard L, I heard it, and the G ! (LW growls at her) We'll get the next one. (NP and LW get into the elevator).
LW: I hate this firm. (the elevator closes)
AMB: All right, give it up.
GT: What ?
AMB: Ray, he's cute !
GT: Tell me about it ! Law school classmates, I had the biggest crush... Before Billy !
AMB: Did you go out ?
GT: One date. We couldn't have had less in common. He is a great guy. Hey, I could fix you up !
AMB: He's opposing counsel, Georgia...
GT: But that can be good...
AMB: No !
GT: Adversary can be good for starting a relationship, conflict can be passion !
AMB: If he wasn't your type, how can he be mine ? You like all the men I like !
GT: There was just the one ! (they get in the elevator) So, d'you want to meet him or not ?
AMB: No !
GT: OK.
AMB: Yes. A little one, a little meet, eedy-beedy... (elevator closes).
JC in the unisex, holding his remote control. He's talking to a stall.
JC: I thought we'd make separate entrances. Sometimes individuals are innocuous, while couples could be recognizable. (
flushing in the stall).
RF (getting out of the stall): John ! It's just a... It's just a bar ! We just want to get the load out, and get all the stoop.
JC: Lawyers frequent these adult establishments, we could be spotted, I prefer separate entrances.
RF: I, I, I...
JC: The feel for caution isn't to be trivialized.
RF: Fine. (JC walks to his stall and lifts the seat up with the remote).
Court room. Marie Stokes testifying.
MS: It's a residential as well as commercial neighborhood. People live there.
RB: But Miss Stokes, this is... mud-wrestling. Aren't you taking it a little seriously ?
MS: Well, when we talk about raising our children, we all like to strand about, saying "It takes a village". But I don't think the village should embrace the idea of reducing women to sex objects.
RB: But it's after hours, it's in a club...
MS: Where men gather and salivate around a bunch of women slithering around in the mud like it was some kind of wild lubricant !
(cut to later - NP is cross-examining)
NP: So, you would think all mud-wrestling clubs should go ?
MS: I think they shouldn't be in residential areas, that's right.
NP: The same would be true of strip clubs ?
MS: Of course.
NP: Movie theatres that show sex scenes ?
MS: Well, some sex scenes, if it has something redeeming.
NP: Who decides what's redeeming, MOPE ?
MS: There's a big difference between movie sex scenes and what they do. (she points at a couple of women in the front row, probably some of the women working in the club).
NP: So a movie theatre showing sex scenes, and nudity, you have no problem with ?
MS: I don't think pornography...
NP: Not pornography, I'm talking about an R rated movie showing nudity and love scenes.
MS: Look, I'm not gonna let you trap me with your tricky sleazy sneaky questions. A movie is a movie. It's different than a place where muddy breasts get slopped around in people's faces. Permission to make a speech, Judge ?
Judge: I'll be delighted.
MS: Mud wrestling degrades the participants. It creates a negative image of women. And having a place like that in the community demeans that community.
NP: And women who perform the sex scenes in the movies, they're... not degraded ?
MS: No.
NP: Why is that ?
MS: Because they're paid tons of money !
In the corridor. On a bench are NP, LW, AMB and GT.
NP: You're up next, Ling, and this could turn on your testimonial, so that means, you know...
AMB: We're dead !
LW: I want her off the case !
AMB: Fine ! (she gets up and starts to leave as RB walks towards them)
RB: Georgia !
GT (getting up and grabbing AMB before she leaves further): Ally, have you actually met Ray Brown ?
AMB: No, no, hi, Ally McBeat, Meat, Meal, Beal ! McBeal ! (they shake hands) It takes me a while but I usually get it right.
RB: Georgia said you maybe like to get a drink sometime.
AMB (imagining her head is small and you can only see her eyes from her turtleneck): Oh, well, it's just that... so long as we don't talk about the case. But I do get thirsty.
LW (getting up and walking up to them): What's going on here ?
NP and GT (grabbing each an arm of LW's and dragging her along): Ling !
LW: People are being nice to each other ! Don't tug me !
RB: This is a little strange, but I actually would like to...
AMB: Great ! Me too !
RB: So I guess I'll see you in court !
AMB: Yeah, yeah, I guess so... (he leaves - GT is peeking from a pillar and smiles)
AMB and RR's flat. AMB is in her room, looking frantically through her drawers.
RR comes at the door.
RR: You came home just to change underwear ?
AMB: Yes !
RR: For a first date ?
AMB: He's not gonna get near my underwear, Renee, let's take your mind out of where it thrives...
RR: Is anything wrong with the underwear you were wearing ?
AMB: It wasn't lucky !
RR: Excuse me ?
AMB: I have lucky underwear, OK ! Now it may sound stupid to somebody who gets lucky not wearing any, but I have two little charms in life, an old shoe, and a pair of...(she finds the pair) oh ! And I am not about to go on, on a date with an old shoe !
RR: Well ! Is this guy really that cute ?
AMB (sits at her vanity and puts on lipstick): Not really, he's kind white bread actually.
RR: As opposed to Billy, that wild thing...
AMB (laughs a little): I think I like him because he talks fast, he reminds me of Jack Webb.
RR: Who ?
AMB: Jack Webb, the guy on Dragnet, I had a crush on both him, and Mister Ed, oh we're not gonna go there, but Jack Webb, (taking a low voice) he talked really fast with his voice down low. (with normal voice) That's how Ray talks. (low voice again, not making any pause between sentences) Equivalent of a strip joint this place should be shut down it hurts the whole community offensive to women. (normal voice again) Goose bumps. Don't ask me why.
Cage & Fish office. NP and RF talking. JC arriving in the background.
NP: She takes the stand first up, so you need to go tonight.
RF: Can't Ling tell you what goes on there ?
NP: Ling wise...
JC: I'm ready. I'm dressed and brazed !
RF: What are you looking for, Nelle ?
NP: I just want to confirm that there is no nudity and that there's no touching.
RF: No touching ? They're wrestling !
NP: No sexual touching ! (RF makes a little face like he doesn't believe there will be no sexual touching)
JC: Grey is a blend cover. To blend in.
RF: Excellent, I didn't know you were here. John ?
JC: I am, but remember...
RF: Separate entrances. We're spies ! (he leaves)
JC: He paid me no heed.
NP: It's the gray. You just blend. Thank you for doing this John. (she kisses him on the cheek) Be careful !
The unisex. GT and AMB enter, EV is flossing.
GT: We're going to the bar, it will be easier, I know him, Billy knows him, if you guys don't click we can dilute it !
AMB: I'm not crazy about everybody watching me on a first date !
GT: Sometimes in a group situation there's less pressure !
EV: I agree ! In college (while she speaks both AMB and GT enter stalls) I had a date with a Varsity league quarterback. Talk about being nervous ! To take the pressure off I went out with the whole team.
AMB in her stall. The moment she wants to sit down, the toilet seat goes up and she ends up way down the bowl, obviously stuck - talk about small hips !
AMB: Oh !
EV: What ? (GT gets out of her stall)
AMB: Help me ! (JC enters the unisex). I'm stuck. The seat went up.
EV: Open the door !
AMB: I can't ! I'm stuck.
EV: What do you mean you're stuck ?
AMB: I'm stuck !
JC: Oh ! (he presses a button, the seat goes back down on Ally's back)
AMB: John ! (the seat goes back up)
EV: Can you open the latch with your foot ?
AMB: I don't know !
GT: John, flip over the top !
JC: I can't dismount in !
EV (as AMB manages to open the door with her foot): God, she's in the bowl !Where's my camera ?
GT: Can you move ? (she tries to pull he out)
RF: What's going on ?
EV: Ally's fallen, and she can't get up.
AMB: Damn ! My hip is wedged.
RF: Who left the seat up ? (JC shows the remote and buries his face in his hand)
Office open space. EV tries to get everyone's attention.
EV: Excuse me ! Excuse me, can I have your attention please ? (
she gets up a few steps) The unisex is temporarily out of commission, Ally's wedged inside a toilet bowl. We would appreciate your sensitivity until his crisis is over. Please, go back to your work. (
EV gets down and heads back to the unisex)
RF's office. BT, GT and RB lean against RF's desk.
RB: It's almost nine o'clock.
GT: I'm sure she'll be right out.
BT: You know how girls get before dates, she probably just has to touch up her make up.
GT: Yeah...
The unisex. Firemen are trying to get Ally out.
F#1 (
kneeling next to AMB): I'm afraid we're gonna have to break it.
AMB (now covered by a blanket): What ?
F#1: The oil isn't loosening anything. In fact, there could be some swelling. This could get worse.
JC: So you're gonna smash my toilet ?
F#1: I don't know any other way !
JC: Well, you can't smash it !
AMB: Could you please hurry ?
F#1: We'll just tap it to break off this side of the bowl.
JC: No ! (RF is putting his coat on JC)
RF: John, it's past nine, we're late for our mission.
JC: Well, he's going to smash my bowl ! (RF and JC leave - BT comes in)
AMB: It's my hip flexors that are stuck. I have big... flexors.
BT: How are we doing ?
AMB: Oh, is he, is he waiting ?
BT: Umm umm, how long ?
AMB: Did you tell... ?
BT: No, we didn't tell, relax. (EV presses the remote flusher and the toilet flushes - AMB is surprised and it is quite obvious she enjoys it...)
The office. GT and RB.
RB: Exactly what is it about her you think I'd like, besides her being... pretty ?
GT: Sense of humor. I remember you liking that.
RB: Yeah. Do you remember what it was I didn't like ?
GT: I think maybe long hair... and Billy. I met Billy the week after we went out. I don't think you liked that.
RB: No, no, no, I definitely didn't like that. Sometimes I wonder, if we'd had two dates before you met him (he goes and sit next to her on the couch) d'you ever wonder ?
GT: Never.
The mud-wrestling club. JC is getting in a coat. Vonda sings "Secret Agent Man".
JC moves swiftly towards the table where RF is sitting and drinking, right by the mud ring. He sits next to him. The women are wrestling and some mud gets on JC's face. The song scratches like a vinyl.
RF: You've been made ! (JC gets out a handkerchief and starts to wipe out the mud) You got some... mud...
Presenter: Ladies and Gentlemen, hot babes in mud, put it together ! Make 'em feel good ! Now it's time for some audience participation, let's have some fun in the mud...
JC: What does that man do ?
RF: He's auctioning some girl for a wrestle.
Presenter: Thirty dollars ? (RF raises his hands) Thirty dollars ! One time, now how about forty ? Forty dollars back...
JC: So what are you doing ?
RF: Investigating !
JC: She didn't say to wrestle !
RF (raising his hand again): I'm thorough !
Presenter: Gone, to the man sitting next to mud-face !
RF: Excellent ! (he gets up and JC gets up with him)
Presenter: Everybody, let's say hello to our next wrestler. Say hello to Jennifer.
Jennifer gets out and the audience cheers - RF and JC's tongues are out and about the size of their ties
The unisex. EV is wearing a fireman's hat.
EV: Do lots of people get stuck in toilets ?
AMB: Elaine !
F#1: Well... Now everybody stand back ! (he's holding a hammer of sorts to the bowl)
EV: I wanna see !
F#1: Ma'am, get back ! (EV nods and steps back a little, and lowers the protective glasses from the top of the hat) Here we go...
F#2: Here we go ! Watch yourselves !
AMB (as the fireman is about to strike the first blow, she stops him): Oh ! Be gentle !
he starts to strike
F#3: Strike one ! Come on !
He strikes a second, then a third time, and it breaks the side of the bowl
F#3: Three, strike three ! Yeah, man...
F#1: You're free, Ma'am.
AMB (getting up and wrapping herself from the wait down in the blanket that was covering her): Oh, oh, oh, thank you, thank you, if you all excuse me, I... I'm late for.. a date.
F#3: Ma'am, that's our blanket !
Mud-wrestling club. RF is getting his ass kicked ! Various moments of the fight.
The bar downstairs. BT, RB, AMB and GT at a table.
GT: What do you think is more degrading ? Wrestling in mud, or being stuck in a toilet ?
AMB: Well I haven't tried wrestling yet !
RB: What I don't understand, if you don't like your case, why did you take it ?
GT: To go on principle. The Ling principle. Our senior partner...
BT: Georgia ! I don't think we should be giving away all our trade secrets !
AMB: We shouldn't even be discussing the case !
RB: You're right ! Let's dance !
AMB: I'd love to but I have a sprained... butt.
GT: I'll go !
RB: All right ! (they go dancing)
LW and NP are at another table at the bar.
LW: Why are they being friends with opposing counsel ?
NP: Who cares ? Are you ready for your testimony, Ling, maybe we should go over it again.
LW: I'm ready, I'll be likeable, sympathetic, sincere, stop bugging me !
Cut to BT and AMB.
BT: So, Ray, d'you think you like him ?
AMB: All right. I hear he's a great guy, maybe I'll get a chance to talk to him ! (she looks over the dance floor where RB and GT are dancing)
RR and AMB flat. RR is getting the ice cream, AMB the mugs.
RR: What's the big deal ?
AMB: The big deal, if they're still interested in each other ?
RR: Still attracted to each other, doesn't mean they'll do anything.
AMB: They shouldn't be going out to dinner at all if they're attracted, she's married !
RR: Wait a minute, you were there.
AMB: Only as a beard, maybe.
RR: Come on !
AMB: I saw two twinkles in their eyes, one in his, and one in hers !
RR: What are you saying Ally ? That old boyfriends and old girlfriends can't even have lunch, or dinner together ?
AMB: No ! Look at you and Matt !
RR: That was wrong, because we still...
AMB: Yeah !
RR: But Georgia and Ray...
AMB: Maybe they still !
RR: Maybe they don't ! What if they're two mature adults, who might still be attracted but are too responsible to ever act on it ? Can they have lunch together ?
AMB: No ! It's wrong !
RR: Can they work side by side in the same law firm ?
AMB: Do... You tricked me, it's different !
RR: No it isn't ! Maybe that's what's bothering you, maybe you suddenly realize that all last year you were having some kind of affair with Billy. (AMB doesn't answer and sips her coffee)
The unisex. The piece of the bowl is still next to it.
JC and RF walk in. RF is massaging his right shoulder, sore from the fight.
JC: They... They just smashed it !
RF: Please, John, no funerals, we'll get a new one, fresh bowl.
NP (coming in): Well ?
RF: No nudity, no sexual touching.
JC: The women were quite strong. (he massages RF's shoulders one by one)
NP: So basically...
RF: Oh, bunch of guys, staring at breasts and butts, tongues hanging out, you know...
NP: Oh, nothing we didn't expect. (she leaves)
RF: No, boys being boys, girls being girls... (JC makes his back crack) Ah ! That's good !
Court room. LW testifies, NP is examining.
LW: The idea that it degrades women is ridiculous. Every woman wants to be thought of as desirable. Imagine, they can go home at night and say "Even in mud, I look good !"
NP: You have to admit this activity does objectify them.
LW: So ?
NP: Ling, how can it not be a little degrading, women stranding around in bathing suits ? Guys whooping ?
LW: Could I respond to that ?
NP: I wish you would.
LW: First, the women there make nearly a hundred thousand dollars a year. How ? These drunken Neanderthals hurl money at them. Go into that club You come out with a lower opinion of men, trust me.
NP: That could be true, but these girls do make that money with their bodies.
LW: They make it, by teasing men with something they'll never get their hands on. That goes to the very essence of a woman.
NP: Excuse me ?
LW: Sex is a weapon. We all use it, we tease, we tantalize, we withhold it, something we do in almost every walk of life, be it marriage, business... God gave us that advantage by giving men the dumb stick, it's hot in here, and there's no water.
NP: The dumb stick ?
LW: Penis ! They've all got them.
(cut to later)
RB: So as a woman you see nothing wrong with putting out naked girls in a ring, rubbing mud on their breasts for the sole purpose of titillating men ?
LW: No !
RB: Nothing at all ?
LW: Suppose we put them in a ring as boxers, and cheer for one to knock the other unconscious, would that be better ?
RB: You're comparing boxing to mud-wrestling ?
LW: Of course not. Boxing is worse, talk about reducing people, let's pay two men to beat on each other, how rich !
RB: Have you ever met any women in your club ?
LW: Why should I ?
RB: Never bothered to check out their backgrounds, find out why it is their living is axed on sexual desires ?
LW: It would be hypocritical for me to ask, it would suggest I care.
RB: Maybe a few of them feel like they have little choice. Perhaps for some it represents their only choice.
LW: Well, then how lucky they are to have you to take that choice away ! With feminists like you, who needs chauvinism ?
Judge: Miss Woo, try not to give speeches.
LW: You let that old woman give a speech.
RB: What about the message it sends to young girls ? What if you had a niece, who came to you and said "Auntie Ling, when I grow up I want to work in a mud-wrestling club" ?
LW: As opposed to a nephew who says he wants to play football so he can eat, get fat and block ? As opposed to a niece who says "Auntie, I want to be a figure skater. Put on tight sexy leotards and win a gold medal". As opposed to a niece who says "Auntie, I want to be an actress and pretend to fornicate on seventy millimeter screen with dolby sound, accenting my every grantee known". As opposed to a nephew who says "Auntie...
Judge: Miss Woo !
LW: I'm sorry Your Honor, but hypocrisy makes me wrought ! And why is there still no water ?
RB: Are you going to deny that women are being exploited in your club ?
LW: Women are exploited by the high heel shoe. Women are exploited by the idea that we have to paint our eyelashes every day just to go to work...
Judge: Again, Miss Woo...
LW: I'm just responding to the question ! Pharmaceutical companies spend billions of dollars convincing the world that cellulite is evil. Is that to empower women ? What world do you live in ? If anything we should be glad to have my club because we exploit men.
Judge: How is that ?
LW: They're pigs. Mankind is based on a kind of pigdom. In my club the women basically control the dumb stick and take the men's money, I'm getting tired...
Office lobby. AMB and BT.
AMB: She's my hero ! She's vicious, I disagree with almost everything she says, she treats me like dirt and somehow she's my hero !
BT: When does the judge rule ?
AMB: Nelle says she might want to call at least one more witness, and then I guess the future of mud wrestling will be decided... (they stop walking as they see John walking out of the unisex with the broken piece of the toilet)
BT: So, I'll see you at dinner, umm ?
AMB: Sorry ?
BT: Aren't the four of us going out again ?
AMB: Oh... Oh... Umm... I'm not sure yet.
(she leaves and meets GT upstairs)
GT: Hey !
AMB: You want to tell me what's going on ?
GT: Excuse me ?
AMB: You're not looking after my social life, Georgia, you're taking care of your own !
GT: What are you talking about ?
AMB: You know what I'm talking about, this is... this is about you spending more time with Ray, and I'm the device that allows you to tell yourself that you're not betraying Billy !
GT: Oh ! Are you out of your mind ?
AMB: Are you ?
GT: Fine ! You say you want to meet men, I try to help, fine ! Sorry !
NP's office. NP at her desk and LW putting on her lipstick.
NP: You're having fun in this case ?
LW: It's OK, I prefer to be a plaintiff. But a defendant is nice too, I get a martyr glow.
NP: You know Ling... Never mind !
LW: What ? If you need to share of course I'm here for you ! Did I smudge ?
NP: Last Saturday, I ran out in the morning to get some coffee, I bumped into somebody from my old firm. He didn't recognize me at first without my make up. Four years, I worked three offices away, he didn't recognize me.
LW: So ?
NP: So there are people who've never seen me without make up !
LW: Nelle, when I hear you talk this way, it makes me wonder, is there a point ?
NP: The point is, progress aside, women are still things to be looked at ! Objects ! These clubs don't help.
LW: The other day, I was shopping, a man in the store actually growled at me, the sexual growl, and I don't think he was the least bit embarrassed to do so. I liked it.
NP: I'm not doing the summation.
LW: Excuse me ?
NP: Look, I continue with the case but for the summation, I...
LW: I want you !
NP: You don't want me because I can't sell it !
LW: Sideless !
JC through the office, with the music of an old series (Hawaii Five-O ).
He inspects every box, etc... GT and EV working on a paper. JC takes a letter opener, motions no with his finger, and puts it in his jacket's breast pocket. A he does so, he turns around and bumps into Georgia. The music scratches.
GT: Ah ! Everything OK ? (JC takes the letter opener out and look at his shirt)
JC: It's fine.
EV: She just jumped out at you. I'm a witness.
AMB in her office. GT comes in.
GT: You could be right (
she closes the door). Remember when you went out with... with that boy, that eighteen year old a couple of months ago ?
AMB: Yeah ?
GT (coming closer and sitting on the desk): You said that you never intended for anything to happen, or for it to go anywhere, but you wanted to go on a date anyway. Just to remember. What did you want to remember ?
AMB: I don't know, umm, staring into the eyes of an eighteen year old, maybe.
GT: One of the things about being married, I guess, you don't get that date high, that little... you know...
AMB: High.
GT: Umm.. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a little...
AMB: Affair.
GT: It is not an affair !
AMB: Georgia, it was a version of one ! Two people communicate their mutual interests, smiling at each other, dancing...
GT: He's not ! As far as he's concerned, he's there with you, Ally...
AMB: He was not ! He's doing exactly what you're doing, and it's... it's wrong.
GT: Nothing is happening ! I would never, you know I wouldn't !
AMB: I do. But I also know that Billy going off to look at mud wrestlers is less of an offense than what's going on here !
Court room. Jack Clooney testifying.
NP: You were a lawyer ?
JCl: I still am a lawyer. I just kind of practice on the side.
NP: What do you do for a living ?
JCl: I'm a dancer.
NP: A dancer ?
JCl: I work at the Squat and Gabble. It's a male strip club.
NP: You strip ?
JCl: I do.
RB: Excuse me, what's the relevance here ? Squat and Gabble isn't even in this neighborhood, it's nothing to do with this case.
NP: You're free to disregard him if you don't think he's relevant.
Judge: Speed it up.
NP: Why dance instead of law ?
JCl: Well, I make great money and I enjoy it. I love dancing, and, well, I'll be honest. I get a kick out at the way the women respond. It's not something I want to do forever, but for now, it's...
NP: But don't you find it degrading ?
JCl: No.
NP: Women bothering you ? I mean, what if I was to say that all I wanted for to cover every inch of your body with my tongue and make love till I dehydrate. Wouldn't you feel like a victim ?
JCl: I'd get over it.
Court house corridors.
AMB: That was kind of a stunt, don't you think ?
NP: The point is, a man, a lawyer, did any of us look at him as a victim ?
AMB: That's not the same !
LW: I like stunts.
NP: All right, we give our final statements after recess and then we're done. I want Richard Fish to do it.
GT and AMB: What ? Why ?
NP: We have an hour. I'm gonna go get him. (she and LW leave)
RB (coming up behind her): Ally ?
AMB (startled): Hey Ray !
RB: Can I steal you a sec ?
AMB: Sure.
RB: Listen, I'd love to see you again.
AMB: Really ? Oh, oh, oh, look, Ray, I'm gonna have to pass on that. I mean you're a great guy, and you seem fun, but under the circumstances, you being opposing counsel... I hope you understand.
RB: I don't, actually, Georgia led me to think that...
AMB: Georgia's been doing a little too much leading, lately. I think...
RB: Okay. (he leaves)
GT (coming to see AMB once RB is gone): What did you tell him ?
AMB: Just that I hope he wasn't feeling degraded as a result of your fantasies...
GT: What ?
AMB: Kidding !
GT: What did you really say ?
AMB: Just that I'm not gonna date him. (she leaves)
RF's office. NP is in there. He's at is desk.
RF: Me ? Why me ?
NP: Mud wrestling is a guy's thing, that's why. End of the day we need a guy to get up and explain it !
RF: I haven't been in on the case, you should...
NP: I don't get it ! No woman does. You went there, you wrestled, from what I gathered you had a good time. (RF giggles) The judge is a man, I need somebody who speaks his language to get up there for the final push. Just speak from that thing inside you, that thing inside all men which makes a man a man !
RF: The dumb stick ?
NP: Exactly !
Court house. GT and RB bump into each other.
RB: Georgia !
GT: Hi !
RB: I hear Fish is closing. What's up with that ?
GT: Oh, don't ask me !
RB: That's all for today I'm losing, Ally just said no to a date !
GT: Yeah, I heard.
RB: I thought you said she was interested ?
GT: Umm, can... (they move to a corner) I actually think she was. But then she figured that so was I.
RB: What ?
GT: Not interested, interested, like I'm interested in pursuing something interesting, but... It was fun being in your company again, and.. Ally figured I was setting the two of you up for my own...
RB: Were you ?
GT: Not on purpose, but...
RB: I mean, I had fun, I must say, I'm not sure Ally had anything to do with it.
GT: We should probably get in there.
RB: The problem was, we never kissed. It's the kind of wonder that can battle through time, I'm sure if we had kissed...
GT: We wouldn't wonder. And you'd just be opposing counsel in a bad tie.
RB: Yeah.
GT: Umm.
RB: Besides you're happily married.
GT: Very. (they get closer, AMB sees them from the other side of the corridor, she hears an alarm go off, and she rushes towards them)
AMB: Whoa, whoa, hey ! Hi ! Hey, we're back in for closings.
GT: We were just going in.
AMB: Oh, here comes our secret weapon.
RF (coming in with LW and NP, hearing the bad bells): I hear the bells, I'm ready.
LW: You better be !
NP (to GT): Come on !
AMB: Is everything okay ?
GT: It's fine !
Court room. Closings.
RB: It's a free country. Women should be free to dance naked. Men should be free to go watch, people like Miss Woo should be free to run such a business. It's a free country. Problem is, you can't be free without a quality. You can't be free under oppression, and these places, strip club, mud wrestling, whatever, they do foster the notion that women are sex objects, they do reduce women. And it's that stigma that contributes to oppression against women, violence against women, and gender inequality as a whole, and no community should be forced to put up with that.
RF: Frankly, I'm tired of this equality thing. I'd like to see a woman walk around all day with testosterone, see how she likes that. (bad bells) Your Honor, as my pretty client told you, God punished man by giving him a taste of Pandora's... umm... and we were left weaker for it. Imagine, if you will, I do every day, the breast. Is there anything particularly aesthetic about a lump with a nipple that will cause a man to jeopardize his marriage, his business, his presidency ? Two guys'd be sitting sharing a pizza, a ninety year old woman passes by, huge breasts, hanging over her walker, and they'd go "Check out those !".
Judge: Mister Fish, what does this got to do with a (RF says it at the same time) mud-wrestling club ?
RF: I'll tell you. Once a man hits puberty, he gets the sense he'll forever be part idiot It's debilitating, it hurts. These strip clubs, you go, you look around, you see the women, and then you see all the men, and you realize you're not alone ! The room is full of idiots ! It makes us feel better !
Judge: And that's important ?
RF: To be honest, yes. It's liberating. You grow up hiding in your closet with a flashlight, a copy of Playboy, trying not to get the pages sticky, you wonder if you're some kind of deviant, fear being a pervert, it can drive you to be isolated, perhaps anti social, you don't fit in, you go to work at the post office, you just don't belong, you're different, the insecurity festers into neurosis, all the while, you're normal and you don't know it ! You go to this club, you see normal. These places aren't just sex shops, they stand to preserve our mental health ! (turns around to smile at the women on the defendant's table, hears the bad bells again, he's happy with himself)
(cut to later)
Judge: I think the scientific word for these establishments would be silly. But unfortunately, we use sex to sell almost everything these days, television, movies, diet Coke. Night clubs feature comedians telling graphic sex jokes, many using violent sexual humor. The dramatic movies depict naked exquisite sex, the comedies show semen dripping from ears ! I think what's upsetting everybody is not that these clubs fail to reflect community standards but more that maybe they do.
LW (getting up): Could you just cut to it and say that I've won ?
Judge: Miss Woo, as much as this pains me, you win.
LW: I'm so pleased !
(RF hears the bells again)
The bar. Vonda sings "One Fine Day".
RF and LW walking through the crowd.
RF: Maybe we should go to your club and celebrate there ?
LW: Please ! It's disgusting, and I'm not happy you wrestled.
EV, RR, AMB, and GT at a table.
RR: Where's Georgia ?
AMB: She went to the court's office to get the papers. (to BT) You wanna dance ?
BT: Sure ! (they go)
Dance floor. NP and JC dancing.
NP: Sorry about your bowl.
JC: There'll be others.
NP: I was very proud of you, you went undercover. You would have made a great spy.
Court office. GT waiting for an elevator. RB comes up.
RB: Georgia !
GT: Ray ! You're still here ?
RB: Going home. Bad day I guess. Lost my case... Ally...
GT: Yeah. (they get into the elevator)
RB: You know, of all the bad dates I've had in my life, you were the one that I... well, we really didn't have anything in common.
GT: Not that I remember. It would have been just...
RB: Physical.
GT: Umm.
RB: So you're really happy ?
GT: Very.
RB: I wish once we'd...
GT: Oh...
RB (leaning to pull the Stop button): Georgia, nothing had in a little go nowhere.
GT: What are you doing ?
RB: One kiss.
GT: We can't !
RB: Not to mean anything, just to know... to know what it would have been like.
GT: I think we can guess what a kiss would feel like Raymond, they're all pretty much the same.
RB: Yeah, you're right. (he presses the button to go)
GT (pulling the stop button): Going nowhere ?
RB: Right ! (they lean over and almost kiss but GT pushes the button - the elevator starts again and RB pulls the button and leans closer)
GT: I can't !
RB: Okay ! (they almost kiss and they hear a sound)
GT: Oh, I guess we hit ground.
RB: Yeah.
GT: Good night !
RB: Good night !
GT leaves and does not look back.
End Credits.