Prologue.
Scenes from last episodes.
AMB and RR's apartment. AMB dancing alone in the living room to "Super freak".
RR gets in and turns off the music. AMB doesn't notice and keeps dancing till she sees RR.
RR: What are you doing ?
AMB: I'm practicing. For our party. A party has to have dancing. It's a total failure if people don't dance. We do not want the reputation of giving bad parties.
RR: I see. Exactly why is it you feel you have to practice ?
AMB: Because, I haven't danced in months.
RR: What are you talking about ? We dance three times a week !
AMB: What ?
RR: At the bar !
AMB: Oh, well, that isn't dancing Renee, bar dancing is not dancing.
RR: It's not ?
AMB: No ! No, at a bar, you just sort of model and move. Watch. (she turns on the music with Mr. Postman and mimics bar dancing, moving much less than she was earlier). See, you just kind of stand there with rhythm and let yourself be seen.
RR: Really ?
AMB (singing along her own words): Hey everybody, look at me, I'm as cute as cute as can be, I'm just dancing, swinging around... (she turns off the music and stops singing). That is not dancing ! Dancing is losing yourself to the music, it's as if you're not conscious of anything else, it's as if you become the only one in the room.
RR: Which brings me back to my question. Why do you have to practice ?
(AMB looks disdainfully at RR and turns on the music again. RR walks past her and leaves the room).
Credits.
AMB in the elevator talking on a mobile phone.
AMB: Billy, Georgia, John, Elaine all definities. I'll have to invite Nelle but I'll do it at the last minute, and Richard'll probably want to bring his little waddle of the month. (
Elevator stops and doors open to the office). Uh.. Uh.. I'll call you later.
She gets out of the elevator and bumps into somebody. She is carrying a cup of cappuccino which spills on the tie of that person.
AMB: Ouh... Ouh.. Oh, I'm sorry, I.. Oh.. Did I get you ? (shot of the spill on his tie)
GM: Oh, no, no, only where I wanted it.
AMB (lets out a little laugh): I'm really sorry !
GM: That's okay, at least I won't have to explain the spot, cause it's you I'm coming to see (he picks up the foam on his tie with a finger and eats it).
AMB: What ?
GM: I'm George Madison, your 9 o'clock, I'm here a little early.
AMB: You're.. Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you (shakes hands), I read your magazine religiously, well I mean I did before you got... you know.
GM: You can say fired, that's what it was. Elaine's a friend, she convinced me to sue, I'm not a fan of litigation, but...
AMB: Well, if your rights have been trembled... (they look at each other sort of seductively for a while) So...
GM: I could clean up and then see you in a few minutes.
AMB: Great !
GM: Where's the...?
AMB: Oh ! (she points at the unisex)
GM: Thanks (he goes - AMB licks the foam of her cup while watching him go)
A office.
On the table lays a while bunch of condoms, wrapped in very colorful packages, with things written on the packages.
EV: I think it's my very best yet. (to RF) But even when I make my millions, I want you to know I'll still work here.
AMB (arriving): What's going on?
Cut to a large shot : BT, GT, EV, JC and RF are standing around the table where lay the condoms.
GT: She's invented customized condoms.
AMB: Sorry ?
EV: They come in vibrant colors, as you can see, with little sayings on the sides.
BT: Sayings ?
EV (grinning, handing out the samples as she speaks): You can read as you unfurl. I've made up samples for all of you. Richard, yours says "Bygones", I think that's appropriate. John, "Enjoy the moment". Georgia, "Pay the bill", I like the punnage (looking at BT while saying it) on that. And mine says "Come here often ?". I'm not sure about the entendre, I don't want to be vulgar. Oh, and Ally, perfect ! (hands her a condom)
AMB (shocked): "Take a number" ?
EV: Don't you love it ?
AMB: No ! "Take a number" ?
EV: Well, you are on the active side.
AMB: No, I'm not ! (almost whispering) I mean, not there...
They all start to disagree.
RF: Come on, you're like a honor roll...
AMB: No, I kiss a lot... But I don't do... I do not !
JC: I'm troubled by my slogan.
GM arrives behind them.
GM: Hello !
EV: Hey, George ! (She takes his arm and brings him closer to the group) Everybody, this is George Madison, editor of La Femme magazine. These are the lawyers. (turns her head towards his) Hey...
GM : Hey... (they kiss - AMB looks, disappointed and shocked as the kiss gets longer).
RF (trying to interrupt the kiss): Uh... Ah... Richard Fish (hands out his hand) Pleasure. Ally and Georgia will be handling your case, we figured we put women on it giving the issue.
GM: (to GT, shaking her hand) Hi. (to RF) Great !
EV: I was showing everyone my customized condoms.
GM: Aren't they fabulous ?
BT (holding out one): "Caution - Frostbite" ?
EV (taking it from Billy's hand): Oh, that's Nelle's. (giving GM one) And here's one for you sweetie.
GM: Aha ! "Been there" ! Very cool ! (they both laugh and kiss again)
The unisex. AMB and GT enter.
GT: Is that her boyfriend ?
AMB: I don't know.
GT: He's cute.
AMB: Really cute ! How... What's the deal ?
GT: What do you mean what's the deal ?
AMB: How did she get a cute smart guy ? Oh, he's married !
GT: Didn't see a ring.
AMB (opening a stall): Well, it's not that I'm not happy for her, it's just that (looks into the stall and starts screaming - there's a frog on the toilet seat)
GT: What ?
AMB: (frantic) There's a... (calms down totally) Oh. Very funny !
GT: What ?
AMB: Somebody put a fake frog on the toilet seat (GT laughs). What little juvenile (the frog leaps on Ally, and ends up in her hair - GT and AMB scream) Ah, he's on me, get him, he's on me...
GT (opens the stall and is frightened as well): I can't get him !
AMB: He's on me, get him, he's on me...
JC (enters the unisex and walks quickly towards AMB): Stefan ! Stefan ! (starts untangling AMB's hair to get the frog) Hold still. Let me get him, let me get him.
AMB: My hair ! Did he pee ?
JC (grabbing the frog for good): Come here Stefan, come here.
AMB: Stefan ? He's Swedish ?
JC: He escaped out of his container, he must have hopped in here.
GT: You have a pet frog ?
JC: He's a show frog. I won't stand to be disparaged.
GT (coming out of the stall and walking towards JC holding the frog next to AMB): I'm not... not disparaging you, I just.. (AMB smells her hair)
JC: I'm an amateur herpetologist, the New England regionals are coming up next week, I've been bringing him in for a little extra practice (puts Stefan on his jacket collar, the frog gets up to his shoulder) Settle. Settle ! Come on. (he takes him back into his hand and leaves - GT and AMB just look at each other, and AMB smells her hair once more).
AMB's office. GT, GM and AMB.
GM: One minute I'm "Hero-Editor-In-Chief", the next second it's "Clean out your office" !
GT: And the reason they gave you ?
GM: Religion !
GT: She actually said that ?
GM: Yes. There's an upcoming profile on me in the Times magazine section. Talks about me being a Baptist, and as a pre-emptive strike she fired me.
AMB (seating at her desk, GM and GT sit in front of the desk): She went on record citing religion as a cause ?
GM: The Baptist faith isn't entirely progressive when it comes to women, and Catherine thought that my being a Baptist ran contrary to the ideology of the magazine. She's running scared of any political fall-out, best I can tell.
GT: If we file a motion ex-parte we can actually go in today.
GM: And the court can actually force them to re-hire me ?
AMB: Well, they don't like to do that, but who knows, you're got a really great face. (Realizes what she just said and looks horrified) Case ! (looks burning red, imagining her skin to almost boil)
JC's office. JC is looking at the container where Stefan is. Looks like an fish tank without water but with herbs and rocks. JC's sealing the top with Scotch tape.
JC: He's got strong little legs, he can push this top right off.
RF: How long have you had the little guy ?
JC: 6 years.
RF: 6 years ? John, the longest you've gone with a woman was 3, you've been with a frog for 6 ?
JC (getting up): Is there something you want Richard ?
RF: Well, how is it going with Nelle ?
JC: What do you mean ?
RF: I mean, how is it going ?
JC: I only intend to covet her from afar, you know this.
RF (getting up as well): Well, what about talking, do you two talk ?
JC : Maybe a little. My rehearsal buffer stiffens, I never remember the conversation.
RF: Your rehearsal what ?
JC: Buffer. The rehearsal buffer is the part of the brain that transforms stings from short-term memory to long-term. Well my buffer stiffens in her company.
RF: Ah, well, the next time you talk to her, could you discreetly ask her if Ling likes me ?
JC: You've been out on three dates !
RF: I know, but well, every time I go to kiss her she gives me the cheek.
JC: Maybe she's shy.
RF: Ling ? Oh yes the little wallflower ! (picks up the container) Maybe I'm missing something.
JC: Have you tried bells ? You know (bells start to ring, and when RF thinks about them they fade out)
RF: I don't thing that'll do it John. Just talk to Nelle, if you can. Approach her.
JC: You really like this woman. (tries to get the container back but RF won't let go) Richard ?
RF: Oh. (lets go of the container).
Court room. GT is speaking in front of the judge. AMB and GM at the plaintiff's table.
GT: He was fired for his religion, if that isn't blatant discrimination...
Attorney: How can you have the editor of a feminist magazine who believes the woman's place is in the home ?
GT: My client has never said he personally believed...
Attorney: Your client is a member of the Baptist community !
Judge: Hold on a second ! Are you saying then he was fired for being a Baptist ?
Attorney (embarrassed): It isn't that simple...
Judge: The question was simple. Yes or no ?
Attorney: This is a very gray area...
Judge: Yes or no ? I didn't ask for the colors.
Attorney: (shot to GM whispering into AMB's ear) Well I won't give you a yes or no, and here's why (back to the Attorney) the Baptist convention has declared its official doctrine that wives should submit graciously to their husbands' male dominance in the household. Now if you want to couch that as a religious belief, fine, do it ! But it can't be one that's protected.
AMB (getting up): If I may say, you're talking about Southern Baptists and...
Judge: I'm not interested in church doctrines. What does this man believe ?
AMB: Total equality.
Attorney: Oh come on, you can't reconcile that with what the church says...
Judge: I want a evidentiary hearing. First Miss Hollings, I'll hear from you. Then Mister Madison. Right now, I'll see Miss McBeal in chambers. And only Miss McBeal ! Adjourned.
AMB (to GT): Did I do something wrong ?
Judge opens his office's door. AMB follows.
Judge: Sit. If you can.
AMB: Excuse me ? (she sits anyway)
Judge (he sits too): My court room, like every court room, has an implied dress code. As to what's inappropriate, the standard is the legal definition of obscenity. We know it when we see it. You will not be allowed into the room again wearing a skirt that short. That's all.
AMB (getting up): You... You can't do that !
Judge: I just did. You think I'm kidding ?
AMB: I... hope you're kidding !
Judge: One warning is all you get !
RF's office. RF at his desk, BT standing behind him, GT and GM sitting in front of the desk, AMB paces the room.
GT: I don't think it's something we *can* appeal !
AMB: It's unbelievable ! Would he ever pull a man into chambers and tell him how to dress ?
RF: If he'd dress like that...
AMB: Richard !
RF: Bygones !
BT: It's not that big a deal, just wear a longer skirt.
AMB: I am not gonna give into this.
BT: Ally it's Walsh, he will have you removed.
AMB: And that isn't right !
RF: Form of gender bias, sex discrimination, I support you, Ally.
AMB: Thank you.
RF: I say you protest by wearing a pair of tight jeans. Who's gonna throw that ass out of the room ?
AMB and GT: Richard !
RF: What ?
BT: Look, assuming you're right and he's out of line...
AMB: He is !
BT: The mission is to get this man's job back. If you go in challenging the judge and getting him angry, he's the one who's going to pay the price ! (AMB sees he has a point)
GM (who's been looking thinking all along): I'll take that chance.
BT: Excuse me ?
GT: What ?
GM: No, he shouldn't be able to tell her how to dress !
AMB: George, I can't really just ask you to throw yourself on top of me... (realizes what she said) Grenade ! On top of the grenade...
GM: Hey I like your hem lines. I'm happy to jump on the cause. (AMB imagines jumping around his neck)
AMB: Thanks !
NP is walking in the office. JC looks at her from above. She talks to people, smiling, and JC is imagining a home with two kids looking like him and her, with NP putting a roast on the kitchen table and pregnant. He goes down the stairs and falls.
JC (
getting back on his feet, to NP who looks puzzled): Asymmetrics.
AMB (arriving): Nelle, I'm having a little dinner party tomorrow night, of course you're invited, I'm sure you've already made plans...
NP: Actually I haven't.
AMB (trying not to look too disappointed): Oh. Great. Then you can come.
NP: I'd love to. I mean, it's not every day I'll be getting an invitation like this. Will I ?
AMB (lets out a fake laugh): Probably not. Dates are welcome if you wanna bring somebody.
NP: Great ! (sees GT who came up to see them) I suppose Billy's already going... Kidding !
AMB (to GT after NP is gone): Look at the bright side : she's bringing you and I closer together.
Court room. GT, GM and AMB at the plaintiff's table.
AMB: Maybe I should change. I mean not for him, but..
GM: Don't do it for me.
GT: I think maybe you should. Why alienate the judge ?
GM: Just keep hidden behind the table. Trust me, after that woman tells her story, the judge will have no choice but to reinstate me, no matter what you're not wearing.
Officer of the court: All rise ! (They do - The judge peeks at AMB's legs) Be seated
Judge: Let's hear from Miss Hollings first.
Cage & Fish. Library on the floor. LW and NP talking.
LW: You've been here less than a month, they couldn't all hate you !
NP: I said the women all hate me.
LW: Well, you can't be upset about that. Remember the adage ? "Success is never more sweet than when accompanied by the failure of a friend".
NP: And ?
LW: And for that reason alone these women will want to get along with you.
RF (peaking from another row of books): Ling ? Steal you a second ?
LW: I suppose (she walks over)
RF (dragging her away in a corner, bumping his head on a lamp on the wall): Ally's having a little dinner party tomorrow night. Would you like to come ?
LW: As your date ?
RF (hearing the bad bells): Yes ! (long pause)
LW: Alright. (pauses, then leaves - RF hears the bad bells again).
Court room, defendant's testifying.
MH: I don't care if they get it from Scriptures, if the message's "Men dominate, women submit", it's untenable.
Attorney: But if in fact it's a religious view...
MH: Oh please ! It's a chauvinistic view ! You can't just say "Women are weaker" and then hide behind "God says so" ! We're a feminist magazine ! How does it look with an editor-in-chief who tolerates such a position ? Much less endorses it !
Attorney: He claims he doesn't endorse it.
MH: And if a Klan member tells me that he personally has nothing against blacks, forgive my cynicism. (Cut to later)
AMB (still sitting behind the desk): You're comparing Baptist faith to the Ku Klux Klan ?
MH: What I'm saying is sometimes silence can scream. Him not renouncing his faith I lose advertisers.
AMB: Miss Hollings you never heard Mister Madison say he believes that women should be submissive. True or false ?
MH: True
AMB: So he hasn't been fired for anything that he has done here, he's being discharged because of what he is.
MH: A chauvinist.
AMB (getting up): You assume he's a chauvinist simply because he's a Baptist.
MH: All it takes for misogyny to thrive is for good men to do nothing.
AMB: Yes... Just so we're all clear here, his choice was either to renounce his faith as a Baptist or lose his job ?
MH: Correct !
Judge: But he says he rejects the notion that women should be submissive !
MH: I can't have a Baptist running my magazine, even if he's one of the better ones !
Judge: The discharge is contrary to law. Mister Madison, you have your job back. Miss McBeal, you're in contempt of court. Bailiff, take her into custody.
AMB: What ?
Judge : We're adjourned.
Bailiff (coming and taking AMB's arm): Ma'am...
AMB (fighting his hold and very upset): Ma'am ? If I'm gonna get thrown in jail for dressing like this you should at least not call me Ma'am, did... do I look like a Ma'am to you ? (they go out)
Cage & Fish. RF, BT and GT walking through the library floor.
BT: She's in a cell right now ?
GT: He would let her out if she apologizes
RF: What is up with her ?
GT: She's throwing a dinner party tomorrow night, Richard.
RF (to BT): Did she just explain it ?
BT: It's a high-stress thing, next to a wedding, the birth of a child... for a woman. Dinner party.
GT: What are you talking about ?
BT: It's true !
RF: What are we gonna do ? This judge won't back down.
BT: I'll go talk to her, but let's first let her sit there for an hour or so, so she understands this is real. (RF nods, GT looks appalled)
AMB in a cell. She's sitting on the bed, looking at her feet. She hears a voice.
GM: I suppose underneath you've always known you'd end up in prison.
AMB: George, hey !
GM: Hey ! (the door of the cell opens and he gets in, the door is closed behind him) Listen, why don't you apologize ?
AMB: I don't even say I'm sorry when I am, George. I... (she sneezes and blows her nose into a tissue) I'm allergic to criminals.
GM: I feel terrible, you won the case, I have my job back, and you've been left to rot in jail !
AMB: Well, I'm... dangerous ! (motions for him to sit down)
GM (laughs) After you. (they sit) Anyway I came to thank you. And help you break out.
AMB (laughs, and then seriously): How did you and Elaine meet ?
GM: At the US Patent office. She was there about her face bra, and I was doing some paperwork on... a thing I invented.
AMB: What did you invent ?
GM: Never mind.
AMB: No tell me !
GM: It's kind of a wiggle walk.
AMB (laughing): A wiggle walk ?
GM: You see, you're laughing.
AMB (still laughing but less): No, no, I'm not laughing... A wiggle walk ?
GM: I have a slight hernia in a disc in my L4, and I discovered with the right movements it will bring relief.
AMB: You got a patent on it ?
GM: When chiropractors start prescribing it won't seem so silly to you anymore, even though I happen to like silly.
AMB: You got a patent on a wiggle walk...
GM: I'm mighty proud, too... (someone else is coming to see AMB and GM turns around to look - It is BT)
Guard: Only one visitor at a time, so...
GM: (to the officer) I'm going. (to AMB) I'll see you tomorrow.
AMB: Excuse me ?
GM: At the party, I'm coming with Elaine.
AMB: Oh ! Right ! Tomorrow.
GM: Thanks again, you're a great lawyer.
AMB: Thanks. (GM leaves, BT gets in)
BT: We got 2 choices here. Apologize or we move for contempt hearing.
AMB: That's what I want.
BT: The apology strategy is more of a sure thing.
AMB: I won't apologize !
BT: Okay then. As your lawyer in this hearing, I'm gonna need to tell the judge the reason why you wear your skirts this short, what is it ?
AMB: I like to.
BT: Give me something else.
AMB: That's all I have.
BT: Ally, you could spend a lot of time in here. Even if you don't, do you need this kind of attention, you want to be know as the mini-skirt Attorney ?
AMB: I don't wanna be known as the attorney who let the judge tell her how to dress !
BT: Ally, as your friend...
AMB: You'll support me. Thank you.
A restaurant. EV and GM at a table.
GM: I feel so responsible.
EV: Oh George, Ally makes her own bed. There's no reason you have to lie in it !
GM: What's that supposed to mean ?
EV: Shouldn't we be celebrating your getting your job back ?
GM: Sure, sure !
EV: I have an honorary condom to celebrate the decision !
GM (looks embarrassed that people might have heard, but reads the package): "Reinstate me".
EV (laughs and sees he's not that happy): Are you all right ?
GM (obviously bothered by something): I'm fine ! I'm fine...
The unisex. GT is at the sink, BT comes in.
GT: Anything ?
BT: No official dress code codified. What about the local rules ?
GT: Nothing. Nothing saying there can't be dress code either. (they both turn when they hear flushing - RF gets out of a stall)
RF (with a magazine under his arm, lighting a match and waving it in front of the stall): It's being said, he's got jurisdictional discretion, a lot of judges're doing this...
BT: I can't believe she's actually spending the night in jail ! (another flush, NP gets out of another stall)
NP: Listen, how about letting me arguing the contempt hearing ? (NP and RF buttoning, she her jacket, him his vest)
GT: Looking to extend her sentence ?
NP: I've done a lot of gender discrimination cases, I think I can help. (Another flush, JC enters the unisex)
RF: Oh John, I'm glad you're here, I want everybody in that court room tomorrow.
JC: Isn't that a little overkill ?
RF: When somebody in this firm is under attack, we're all under fire. We stand united !
GT: What somebody ? It's always Ally !
RF: One for all, all for me ! For one. Imagine you in her place, Georgia. (he leaves - BT shakes his head in disbelief)
Court offices. JC and GT in front, followed by RF, BT> and NP walking towards the court room. In the court room, GM and EV are sitting in the audience.
Judge: I said I'll hear you, but if you're all planning to speak you're wasting your time. (Meanwhile,
AMB is being brought into court - she is wearing a bright orange jail suit and her hair is all tangled) The only one who needs address me is the defendant.
AMB: Me ?
Judge: Yes you !
AMB: Oh. Well, I hadn't really prepared anything, so this would be off the cuff... You're a pig. And we're all sorry for that. . (they all hold their noses in their fingers like John does all the time)
Judge: Put her back in custody.
NP: Your Honor, if I could briefly be heard ?
Judge (motions the Bailiff to stop taking AMB): Go ahead.
NP (getting up): Nobody is denying the respect that should be afforded to you and this court room. And if she were here in ripped clothing or tennis shoes that would be one thing. But you're penalizing her basically because her attire is too sexually risqué, and that isn't right
Judge: If it undermines the credibility of this court room...
NP (walking in front of the judge): Why should it ? That very assumption endorses the myth that a sexually attractive woman can't have credibility. That's a prejudice. It's bad enough the legal profession is still an old boys' club, why should we come in here looking like old boys ?
Judge: Nobody's asking her to look like a boy !
NP (walking to get close to AMB): Every billboard, and magazine cover, tells us we should look like models. All the while, we have to fight the mindset if she's beautiful, she must be stupid. I fight it too, and I bend into the prejudice. I don't have her courage. If I did, I might come in here and (takes out her pin and lets down her hair) let my hair down once. If I didn't care about people automatically thinking I'm a bimbo, I might not always wear jackets (saying this she takes off her jacket and throws it on the table in front of JC). But people, men and women, draw unfair conclusions. We've come to expect the bias. But not from judges. What's most disappointing here ? You saw this woman perform in court, you heard her argue, she won her case. And you're still judging her on hem lines ? What do we have to do ? (she goes to sit)
Judge : Miss McBeal, do you have anything else...
RF, BT, GT together: NO !
AMB (looks at them angry): Only, you know, the obvious, Your Honor.
Judge: Which is ?
AMB: I wish I had her hair.
Judge: I see. You're free to go. Adjourned.
(They can't believe it. They get up, AMB looks happy, JC helps NP put her jacket back on).
AMB and RR's apartment. Music is playing, NP is dancing with JC, GT, AMB and EV singing around a lamp as a fake mike. LW and RF are seen dancing together at some point also.
GT,
AMB and
EV (
singing): Woke up this morning, my hair looked so bad/The worst hangover that I ever had/What happened to me last night ?/The girl is mine, she loved me so right
RR (with Ben, not dancing): Ally was afraid nobody would dance.
Ben (not looking happy): I didn't even have dinner yet !
RR: It's a party !
Ben: Some parties they serve some shrimp cocktail, conversation, maybe talk about Clinton or something ? They're singing in a light bulb ! You've got shrimp cocktail ?
RR: There's some guacamole.
Ben: Guacamole ? Who eats that ?
They are sited at a big table for dinner. There are going around clockwise, with RF at one end, LW, NP, EV, GM, AMB at the other end, RR, Ben, BT, GT and JC. RF clings his knife on his glass and gets up.
RF: Alright, alright, I think we should have a toast.
Ben (still not happy !): I think we should eat !
RR: Ben !
Ben: I'll take a slice of toast, it's 9 o'clock !
RF: Here's to a double victory : to George getting his job back, and to Ally, getting to keep wearing those nasty little skirts as a signature of progress for womankind, here here !
All: Here here !
Ben: I got a question, since we're celebrating you wearing those edgy beading skirts
RR: Ben !
Ben: What's the deal ?
AMB: There is no deal, Ben. A woman is entitled to her own individuality, you do agree with that ?
Ben: I do, but the only thing covering your individuality right now is a napkin, sure...
RF: Let's just change the subject, shall we ? Ling, tell us why you dress trampy ?
LW: It gives me an edge.
RR: What do you mean, an edge ?
LW: I work in a manufacturing plant. It's filled with men, I'm the manager. They have to have confidence in me, believe I'm smarter then them, the wine is terrible (AMB looks hurt)
GT: And dressing skimpy... ?
LW: Engages the penises, nothing's dumber than a horny toad. (GT laughs)
Ben: This is not dinner conversation !
All: Quiet !
BT: You know you talk about men being chauvinists I think women are more prejudiced.
All women: Why ?
BT: Because, you assume that when we get aroused we can't think straight !
RR: It's true !
NP: What I don't understand men, see this knock-out babe, assume she's stupid and get her number. Do men really get aroused by stupidity ?
RF: I do (LW looks at him). Ling's the exception.(passes her a bowl) Broccoli ?
BT: This isn't funny !
AMB (jokingly): No, no it's not, it's sad... (women laugh)
BT (getting up, very upset): You know what ? I don't like this conversation, and I don't like being lumped into some men-Neanderthal group, maybe next time I'll start walking around in speedos to get some individuality !
Ben (laughs): That was cracking, man !
AMB: What did you say ?
BT: You heard me ! (looks around and sits back down. Uncomfortable silence).
RF: Somebody pass something ?
EV: You know what I find ironic ? We have to dress a certain way to lure a man, but once we get him he stops us from dressing that way.
AMB: Can we get off clothing, Elaine ?
EV: I'm just trying to fill the dead air in an hostile room.
AMB: It's not hostile ! Its quiet 'cause everybody's loving the damn food ! (JC's nose whistles)
GM: May I say something as an outsider ?
Ben: Good luck !
All: Quiet !
Ben: See !
GM: There's a lot of stuff in this room, it can't be about her skirts.
Ben: I find that when the food is served late, all...
GM: Ben ! This truly would be the time for you to remain silent. My two cents ? What Nelle said in court today, there's enough truth in that to tap into some genuine frustration if not anger that working women have, and men, we do get a little sick of being portrayed as testosterone driven moths ?
RF: Is that your two cents ? I'd be looking for change.
GM (upset): Oh, yes, by all means, let's hear your opinion, Richard !
RF: Simple. Man and woman. Friction.
GM: That's it ? Friction ?
RF: Friction, friction, friction... Orgasm. Fishism. Are we gonna dance or not ?
Cut to AMB in the kitchen cutting the top of a watermelon open.
AMB: You certainly seem a little bothered.
BT: Me ?
AMB: Yeah ! Getting all hot about that Neanderthal stuff, since when do you care that men are pigs ?
BT: You know what's beginning to bother me Ally ?
AMB (ironic): What ?
BT: Never mind.
AMB: Come on, what ?
BT: This thing about your skirts. Who cares, really ? But our whole office basically had to shut down to address it today. Every one of us marched into court, which is okay, you were under attack and we rallied because we like to think of ourselves as a team. And what do you do ? You call the judge a pig ! You just walk in there, as Ally McBeal, forgetting or ignoring that what you do in court reflects on all of us. And tonight ? You're still worried that people might not have fun at your party ! Not that you actually care whether we have fun or not, it's more about your own success as a host.
AMB (looking hurt): You... really believe all that ?
BT: We're all here too Ally. Once in a while, it would be nice if life was more than just your party. (he leaves)
The living room. "Super freak" is playing. RR dances with RF, EV with GM, BT and GT together, JC is singing in the tip of his tie.
LW: You work in a weird place. You do know this ?
NP: I do. I like 'em.
LW: Oh my God !
NP: Fish is really hot for you
LW: Yes.
The kitchen. AMB is still slicing fruits and filling in the watermelon.. BT comes in to get a beer in the fridge.
BT: Something tells me I'm the reason you're staying in here.
AMB: You don't expect me to go out and dance after everything you said.
BT: Ally, did it mean anything to you that we were all in court today ? Did you even really notice ?
AMB: Of course I noticed.
BT: Did you say to yourself "whoa, they're all here for me !" ? You've been complaining a lot about how you got no life. Those people out there ? They're in your life. That's something to celebrate.
AMB: I adore everybody in that room, Billy, except Ling. And Nelle maybe. And Elaine sometimes when she bugs me. But everybody else, well, except Ben, and George, I don't really know him. But the others, I... I love them. And I'll never admit this but I even... cherish them.
BT: Then, let's get out of the kitchen. (he leaves - she finishes the watermelon fruit thing : it looks like a big bird with a banana for the beak)
The living room.
RF (
to LW): Hi ! You got to come with me a second, I wanna show you my stamp collection. (
he takes her hand and leads her away from everybody, still in the living room) I'm gonna be honest here, so this is kind of uncharted territory for me, kind of like you being sweet.
LW: I'm ready.
RF (looking around, finding too many people still, leading her away further in AMB's bedroom): Come here.
LW: What are we doing ?
RF: Ling, every time we get to the good night part of the evening, you kind of shift to.. well...
LW: I tense up
RF: Yes. Do you know why ?
LW: I'm afraid you'll try to kiss me.
RF: Ah... You don't have my problem with honesty. Is it... you don't wanna kiss me ?
LW: Actually I do.
RF: Then why ?
LW: My problem is, I attach too much importance to the first kiss. If it isn't right, even perfect, it's all ruined.
RF: Ruined ?
LW: Would you like to try ?
RF: Maybe if you put a little more pressure on me first.
LW (starting to leave): I knew you weren't ready.
RF (grabbing her arm and pulling her gently towards him) : No ! I am ready. But maybe you could... guide me.
LW (putting herself in his arms, and tilting his head) : Tilt your head. Worst thing would be for our noses to collide. Now lick your lips to... No, I'll do it (she licks his lips slowly) You don't want them dry. Now, just receive, reciprocate, but don't ... escalate. You're sure you're ready ? (RF groans) Maybe we should wait (he moans). You may think you've been kissed before, Richard Fish, you haven't been. (they kiss) You were wonderful. (she leaves - RF is struck dumb and doesn't move)
The living room. BT, JC, Ben, GM, GT and AMB are all around the light bulb. GT and AMB are singing at the top of their lungs, not really in tune (Song ?) EV and RR are looking at them.
EV: Do they know that there's no camera ?
RR: I wish.
EV: My friend Marianne Patty sings it worse.
RR: Than this ? (EV nods).
LW (walking towards NP and sitting next to her): Are there drugs here I don't know about ?
NP: I don't think... You kiss him ?
LW: Oh yeah. He's still in recovery. (cut to RF still struck)
The kitchen. RR and AMB, setting plates etc. in the sink.
AMB: Hey, gal, dance with me !
RR: I'm just getting to the sink Ally (she sets something in the sink). It's official, we give good party. (to GM coming in with plates and stuff) Hey, you don't do that ! (she leaves)
GM: It's easier than being a Pip, trust me ! (to AMB) You clearly studied voice.
AMB: I... I did. So you're having a good time ?
GM: I am ! You've got a good bunch of friends !
AMB: I know. They're... They're the best. And Elaine, she's... really great ! She's... Listen, I apologize for putting my short skirts before your face... Case ! Case !
GM: You won the case, don't forget.
AMB: Yeah... Elaine, she's... And those condoms, those little slogans are so... so great. Well should we... hit the floor ?
GM: Excuse me ?
AMB: Dance.. floor.
GM: Yeah ! Let's dance ! (he leaves)
The living room.JC, RF and Ben are singing into the light bulb ("War" performed by Edwin Starr). NP, LW and GT are sitting in front of them laughing. AMB gets in, gets the remote, and shuts the music off.
RF: Come on !
AMB: There has to be limits ! Let's just dance normal for a while, without the light bulb ! (she turns on the music again)
NP (to JC, taking his hand): Come on John, I can keep up with this one.
GT (to BT):How's your dance card ?
BT : One left.
EV (to GM): This has to be our song.
GM: Has to be.
(Lyrics: Someday, we'll be together...)
Ben (to AMB): Renee won't have me.
AMB (taking off her cardigan): Then it's me, babe... (they join the others in the middle of the room)
Cut to NP and JC dancing.
NP: So do you always plan to covet me from afar ?
JC: I think it's safer. Don't you ?
NP: I do.
Cut to EV and GM dancing.
EV: This party just put her in a whole new light.
GM: Ally ?
EV: It would be weird associating her with fun...
Cut to AMB and Ben dancing.
Ben: Is this just a dance, or we're going somewhere ?
AMB: Just a dance, big guy !
GM and AMB look at each other over the shoulders of their dance partners.
End credits.