The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is archived at "TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE". "ALICE" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by CBS in association with WARNER BROS. TELEVISION. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. For entertainment and educational purposes only. No infringement intended.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(Tommy walks in)

Tommy:  Hi mom

Alice:  Hi ya sugar, want some sugar?

Tommy:  Is Mel here?

Alice:  Nope he has gone to the bank.

Tommy:  Oh nuts

Alice:  What?

Tommy:  I have to do a report on Aviation and I wanted to ask him something.

Alice:  Well maybe I could help ya.

Tommy:  Mom women aren’t much with airplanes

Alice:  Oh really Amelia Airheart was a camel driver.

Tommy:  Who?

Alice:  Amelia Airheart she was the first woman attempting to solo around the world.

Tommy:  How did she do?

Alice:  She got lost in the South Pacific.

Tommy:  I’ll come back when Mel’s here.

Alice:  Hey…Hey listen did you ever here the expression that boy stuffiness didn’t get new baseball shoes.

Tommy:  Hey I haven’t got nothing against females I’m a great believer in sexual quality.

(Tommy leaves)

Alice:  That’s equality E.  Did you here that he only want s to talk to Mel he thinks that woman are useless.

Flo:  He’s only 12 right now they are but you give him another year sugar and well knock tinker toys right off his Christmas list.

Alice:  Oh look he lost his wallet.

Flo:  Well he’ll be back in a flash.

(Alice opens the wallet and can not believe what she sees.)

Flo:  What the matter with you it looks like you’ve seen a ghost?

Alice:  Worse except for her earrings this ghost is start necked.

Flo:  Oh… Do you know who she is?

Alice:  It ain’t Amelia Airheart.

Flo:  It sure ain’t hmm.

Alice:  oh….

Flo:  Where did Abe Lincoln ever get the idea that all of us were created equal.

Alice:  I can’t believe that my Tommy has this.  He’s my little baby.

Flo:  Now sugar there’s nothing to worry about it simply means that he’s starting to think about girls.

Alice:  He sure thinks big don’t he?

Flo:  um huh.

(Tommy walks in looking around for his wallet.)

Flo:  Well hello there tiger boy.

Alice:   Hi your looking for this?

(Alice hands Tommy the wallet)

Tommy:  Oh yeah thanks I was really worried I sure hate to lose that.

Alice:  Tommy I saw the snap shot inside your wallet.

Tommy:  Oh

Alice:  Is that all you have to say oh, tell me about the girl in the picture.

Tommy:  Well the guys are waiting for me tell Mel I’ll see him later.

(Tommy leaves)

Alice:  He don’t want to talk to me.

Flo:   It’s natural he’s a little embarrassed.

Alice:  Well…Well I guess its time I have a little talk with my son hmm I’m going to go over to the library get a book on the facts of life.

Flo:  Well what you need a book for you must know what to tell him or he wouldn’t be here to tell.

Alice:  Well I know what to teach him I just don’t know how I want to tell him the best way possible you know.

(Mel walks in as Alice walks out)

Alice:  I’ll be right back.

Mel:  What the hurry?  What’s going on?

Flo:  Well she’s a little upset she found a wallet in here and it had a picture of a naked girl in it.

(Mel looks for his wallet)

Flo:  Relax it was Tommy’s wallet

Mel:  Oh  (Flo tries to get Mel’s wallet)  I got nothing I in here except credit cards.

(Later)

(Alice is reading the book she got at the library.)

Alice:  Ovum, which is simply the Latin word for egg is the target of over 500 million male sperm cells.

Mel:  500 million…500 million.  You girls have one little.  One little egg we have you beat 500 million to one.

(Mel shows his muscles)

Flo:  Will you simmer down King Kong we don’t need no score board.

Mel:  Vera customer.

Alice:  Spermatozoa to pholpume to ovum.  Sounds like the end field to a Italian baseball team.

Mel:  Does it have any pictures in this book?

Alice:  Hey…

Flo:  Yes but you cant see them unless your accompanied by an adult.

Alice:  You see this is when a boy needs a father Flo I mean this will be a lot easier for him if it was coming from a man.

Flo:  Yeah its too bad that I’m not currently married or I’d have a man for ya.

(Vera runs to the counter and gives Mel her order.)

Vera:  Order of bacon and scrabbled ovum.  How do you like that now I can speak Latin

(Tommy walks in)

Tommy:  Hey Mel, say do you steal have that book on aircraft carriers.

Mel:  Yeah, Yeah that’s in the back office.  I will be with you in a second.

(Tommy goes to the back office)

Alice:  Mel would you talk to him?  I mean before I go through all this I would like to know if he knows anything at all.

Mel:  I’ll handle this Alice.

(Walks to Vera)

Mel:  You fix the order.

Flo:  I remember when my mamma tried to teach me the facts of life.  I was 17.

Alice:  She taught you the facts of life when you were 17.  That’s like teaching Columbus how to row.

Flo:  Well she was a touch late where I come from 13 was considered a late bloomer.

Alice:  Every time I tried to ask my mother questions she’d beat the 4 minute mile leaving the room.

Flo:  How did ya ever learn?

Alice:  Oh I was lucky the boy who sat behind me in 5th grade was studying to be a doctor.

(Mel & Tommy leaves the back room)

Tommy:  Bye mom

Alice:  Bye, honey

Flo:  Bye

Alice:  So huh

Mel:  Boy do you have troubles. That kid has a dirty mind.

Alice:  What are you talking about?

Mel:  He knows all that technical stuff like ovary and utheren.

Vera:  I know here.  She’s a singer

Mel:  Who?

Vera:  Uthera, I have all her albums

Mel:  Believe me Alice your sitting on a powder cake that getting ready to go off.

Alice:  Okay that does it I’m having a serous talk with my kid.

Flo:  Now relax Alice your going to blow this thing all out of proportion and your going to wind up giving Tommy a complex.  Now believe me honey the best thing to do is just to ignore it.

Alice:  All right I’ll ignore it.

Flo:  Good why don’t me and you find us a good movie to go to tonight.

Alice:  Okay it better be a G movie cause I’ve had a x rated day.

(Later that night at Alice’s apartment)

Flo:  A G movie huh well that leaves us with a wild chose of one.  “Shep I Dog for All Seasons”.

Alice:  I’ll take it.

Tommy:  Well have a good time I’ll be studying history with a friend.

Alice:  Oh yeah well if you get hungry there’s some pie in the kitchen.

Tommy:  Great thanks

Alice:  Bye, Bye

Flo:  Hey, honey your doing great.

Alice:  Oh, listen when I say I’m going to ignore it I’m going to ignore.

(Alice opens the door to go out and a lovely looking girl is standing there.)

Naydean:  Hey you all I was just about to ring.

Alice:  Why?

Naydean:  Tom’s expecting me.

Alice:  Tom….  You mean Tommy?

Tommy:  Hi ya Naydean come on in.  Mom, Flo this is Naydean.

Naydean:  Please to meet yall.

Tommy:  Well come on.

Flo:  Hey, that accent are you from Alabama?

Naydean:  That right Talabega.

Flo:  Talabaga did you here that Alice for heaven sacks that’s right near where I come from.  Well look at her Alice with that red hair and all.  She’s a picture of me at that age can you see that Alice?

Alice:  Huh hmm.

Tommy:  Well come on Naydean lets get started.

(Tommy and Naydean goes to Tommy’s room)

Alice:  Get started!  What’s that mean lets get started?

Flo:  Come on we have to go to.  Come on ignore remember.

Alice:  Yeah all right.

(Flo & Alice walks out the door and two seconds later Alice walks right back in.)

Flo:  Alice you told me….

Alice:  I’m going to ignore it I’m just going to ignore it at home.

Flo:  They are two kids studying history

Alice:  In the bedroom that’s not where you study history that’s where you make it.

Flo:  Your just being silly.

Alice:  Yeah well

Flo:  Well were not going to the movies lets play some cards.

Alice:  Can we play closer to the bedroom there’s an awful lot of light in here.

Flo:  Alice

Alice:  I think I’ll open the door just a little not a lot just enough to throw a bible in.

Flo:  If you don’t stop that I’m leaving.

Alice:  You are?  TOMMY FLO’S LEAVING COME SAY GOOD-BYE.

(Alice waits and he does not come out finally he comes out.)

Tommy:  Oh okay bye Flo.  Hey I thought you’ve gone to the movies?

Alice:  Well it was canceled Shep got ticks.. so  ah Why don’t you guys have some pie served out here.

Naydean:  Thank you Ms Hayett but I’m feeling a little noshes.

Alice:  Noshes?

Naydean:  It usually hits me in the mornin.

Alice:  The morning?

Naydean::  Well I better go home I’m feelin dizzy.

Flo:  Oh… Naydean honey oh I beat your on one of those crazy fat diets aren’t you?

Naydean:  No I’ve been gaining weight I eat everything I’d better be going.  Boy its hot in here.

Tommy:  Hey listen I’ll walk you home its right around the corner.  I’ll be right back.

Naydean:  Bye

(Tommy & Naydean leaves)

Flo:  Bye

Alice:  Flo

Flo:  ah uh

Alice:  The nausea the morning the dizzy

Flo:  Ah uh oh Alice

Alice:  Oh your right its crazy he’s only 12 years old

Flo:  Sure

(They both laugh then Alice walks to her book shelf)

Flo:  What are you looking for?

Alice:  The Genus book of records.

(Tommy walks in)

Tommy:  Sorry it took so long Naydean was kind of shaky

Alice:  Yeah I know the feeling I’m not to steady myself

Flo:  Well huh I will leave you two to chat

Tommy:  How come you didn’t go to the movies?

Flo:  Your mom had a headache

Tommy:  Boy first Naydean now you.

Flo:  Some how I don’t think their symptoms are related at least I hope not.  Night all.  

Tommy & Alice:  Night

(Flo leaves)

Alice:  Just sit down please

Tommy:  Oh o every time you ask me to sit down I know I’m in trouble.

Alice:  uh hum well somebody is

Tommy:  Who?

Alice:  …Tommy…Sometimes when two people are close…integument … Something happens as a result of that relationship and you know that I fell um that there should be honesty between a mother and her son.

Tommy:  Can I ask you a personal question?

Alice:  Anything

Tommy:  Are you pregnant?

Alice:  Certainly not

Tommy:  Well that’s a relieve

Alice:  Tommy I’m talking about Naydean

Tommy:  Naydean?

Alice:  Naydean with the nausea and the dizziness

Tommy:  Mom everybody who is noshes isn’t pregnant or Mel’s meet loaf would be elected father of the year.  She’s always sick during mid-terms.

Alice:   Why?

Tommy:  Cause she’s a dope.  She’s been left back twice

Alice:  Oh boy do I feel stupid

Tommy:  You didn’t think that Naydean and I hum… Oh come on mom I’m only 12.

Alice:  Here I was worried crazy and I could have been watching “Shap A Dog for All Seasons” .

Tommy:  You don’t have to worry about me I know it all.

Alice:  What do you mean all?

Tommy:  All Mr. Turner taught us in the sex education class

Alice:  You take sex education?

Tommy:  Yeah but he tells it like it is it sure beats the heck out of algebra.

Alice:  Just exactly what have you learned

Tommy:  Everything boy Mr. Turner has really opened my eyes I just thought girls where for hitting.

Alice:  And what do you think they are for now?

Tommy:  oh come on mom hue, hue

Alice:  I guess I better have a little talk with Mr. Turn On

Tommy:  That’s Turner

Alice:  Yeah well I’ll be the judge for that.

(The next day at Mel’s;  Mr. Turner walks in)

Mr. Turner:  Hello

Flo:  Well hello there handsome coffee tea or me?

Mr. Turner: Well they all sound good but I’m looking for Ms. Hayett.

Flo:  Oh well I’ll get her for you

Mr. Turner: Thanks

(Customer leaves)

Alice:  Thanks a lot

(Flo walks up)

Flo:  Hey sugar you’ve been holding out on me old tall dark and insome is here for you he says his name is Turner.

Alice:  Oh, oh that’s Tommy’s sex education teacher

Flo:  Really ask him is he taking on any new students I could use a refresher course.

Mel:  Flo pick up

Flo:  Keep your shorts on Mel.  I ordered a hamburger what’s this?

Mel:  What’s the difference its dead.

Flo:  I’m not so sure

Alice:  You see the thing is my Tommy is growing up very fast and I want to know what you are teaching him.

Mr. Turner:  Did you read about our film in the PTA news letter?

Alice:  No I never got passed the paper drive were the fund to buy the football team protective cups.

Mr. Turner:  Well if you have read about it you know that we show these films in peoples homes so that they can see what there kids are learning.

Alice:  So when do you show it again?  I’d like to see the film

Mr. Turner:  Oh we had a session tonight in Mr. Bullecks home but he got ill with the flue and we had to cancel.

Vera:  Alice check

Alice:  Oh excuse me please

Mr. Turner:  Well then perhaps we’d better…

Alice:  Oh (Alice tears the check) excuse me oh I know why don’t we do it here?

Mr. Turner:  You mean your boss might open the diner for us?

Alice:  Oh listen for a chance to feed 20 parents he’d open his grandfathers tomb.

Mr. Turner:  okay

Alice:  Okay

(Later that night at Mel’s.  The parents are watching Mr. Turners film.)

Mr. Turner:  And finally the process of reproduction itself

(Alice looks on thinking,  Vera looks confused Mel looks on eating a pizza and Flo seems very happy with what she sees.)

Mr. Turner:  You’ll notice there’s nothing erotic or stimulating about this film rather than a matter fact of this presentation.  Well that’s it folks what did you think?

Vera:  I liked it but there really wasn’t much of a plot.

Alice:  Mr. Turner is it absolutely necessary to show this film to 12 year old children?

Mel:  Good question Alice.

Lady:  But don’t you think they would find it um what’s the word enlightening.

Mel:  How about disgusting

Vera:  How can you  say that Mel what would be more beautiful than being naked like Adam & Eve In Paradise.    

Mel:  Vera get your mind out of the gutter.  First they take away prayers now this.

Mr. Turner:  Well we feel there’s a need Mel children are natural cuirass about sex they got lot fancies and misconceptions we’re just trying to remove some of the mystery.

Flo:  Well hell that the best part

Mel:  After seeing this film the only mystery that’s left for me is how come we haven’t been rated.  I mean you turned my diner into a pussycat diner.

Alice:  Mr. Turner I mean don’t you think these films are just rushing things

Mel:  Oh you beat I mean your just putting crazy & wild ideas into these kids heads

Mr. Turner:  Well how would you teach them?

Mel:  They learned like I learned

Mr. Turner:  How did you learn?

Flo:  Badly I’ve seen some of his teachers

Mr. Turner:  Why do you feel the way you feel Ms Hayett?

Alice:  Well for one thing my kid is walking around with a picture of a naked girl in his wallet.  

Mr. Tuner:  You mean the one with the long earrings?

Alice:  Yeah you know about it?

Mr. Turner:  Tommy’s responding to pre-pressure there’s not a boy in that class who does not have that picture he’s just trying to be one of the guys

Alice:  I guess I want him to be one of the kids

Lady:  Well I think it’s most important, it’s useless to be an Ostrich.  I mean we have to face the fact that we are living in the 70s and theirs movies & Television and kids are turned on earlier.

Mr. Turner:  And that’s one of the reasons we need sex education pregnancies increased.

Lady:  Well that wont happen to my daughter I had her on the pill since she was 14

Alice:  14?  Why did you wait so long why didn’t you slip it into a pad loom.  

Lady:  Look thanks to that and these classes I can sleep at night.  My daughter knows what it’s all about.

Alice:  But that’s all it’s about and your adapting your responsibility I mean this is just a how to film.

Vera:  How to….What?

Alice:  Mr. Turner all the kids see here is just the mechanics I want to teach my son about love & caring & relationships and responsibility I want him to know more than about it’s your place or mine.

Mr. Turner:  Exactly and those values must come from the home we can only do so much in education the rest is up to you

(Alice’s apartment)

Alice:  Tommy, will you come out here please

Tommy:  Mom what’s up?

Alice:  I want to have a talk with ya I saw Mr. Turners film tonight and there’s a lot more to it.

Tommy:  There is?

Alice:  Yeah and it’s the best part its about love & caring  & relationships & responsibilities.  So there’s no need to be embraced okay.

Tommy:  okay

Alice:  Sit down please okay I know you understand about sex but what goes with it and really makes it work is caring & love.

Tommy:  So

Alice:   So

Flo:  So

Alice:  So like when your dad and I meet we both felt something special I got this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach I was all jelly leg and swooped when ever I was around him and that was love.

Tommy:  Sounds more like the swanie flu

Flo:  Oh Tommy what your mamma is trying to say is that sex is more than physical and with love something special is added to the relationship now you take me & Jud hum what’s his name

Alice:  Jud Walkins

Flo:  No Jud well either one

Alice:  Please Flo, Tommy love is that something special that your father and I had

Tommy:  Then you have to be married?

Alice:  No I didn’t say that

Tommy:  Well then you don’t have to be married

Alice:  I didn’t say that either

Tommy:  Then what are you saying I don’t understand

Alice:  Look one day when you have children you will understand

Tommy:  Mom you’re talking in circles

Alice:  I know it, I know it all right, all right I’m going to start again and don’t interrupt me and you to.

Flo:  Uh I didn’t say nothing.

Alice:  Oh Tommy I don’t know there’s no way; there’s no way to define love when it happens you’ll know.  It’s a very special feeling for a very special person and caring & responsibility are all apart of that kind of relationship well its more than just oh, oh

Tommy:  Jud what’s his name

Flo:  That’s right Tommy

Alice:  Thank you Flo, so that’s about it for know but will talk again soon so why don’t you go brush your teeth and go to sleep

Tommy:  okay

Alice:  okay

Tommy:  Boy this caring & responsibility & love its all so complicated I can see now why I was an only child.

END OF EPISODE