South Park:
Bigger, Longer and Uncut
By
Trey Parker
Matt Stone
&
Pam Brady
Eighth Draft
January 21, 1999
FADE IN:
Very happy, Disneyesque MUSIC swirls in.
PAN DOWN from a pretty blue sky, to a small quaint town
nestled in the hills. A wooden sign tells us this is South
Park.
EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY
Birds fly into the air, TOWNSPEOPLE smile to each other as
they walk by.
It is a scene reminiscent of, if not directly ripped off
from, the opening number of 'Beauty and the Beast'.
A little eight year old boy walks happily down the street. He
is STAN MARSH, a noble looking boy with piercing blue eyes
and a strong chin. As he walks, he sings a happy song.
STAN
I'm going to the movies
To see the brighter side of life!
I'm going to the movie
Everything's gonna be alright!
Forget all my troubles
Put my own life on hold
Let a studio tell me
how I should view the world
Where everything works out
I love it that way
I'm going to the movies
The movies today!
Stan merrily walks up to a crappy looking house.
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
We are in a young boy's bedroom, just as his alarm clock goes
off. BRRRRRTTT!!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER
Good morning South Park! It's five-thirty
a.m. on Sunday!! Time to feed the horses
and water the cows!!
From the back, we see the blond haired kid sit up from his
bed. He stretches, and then walks over to his closet.
We still only see the boy from the back as he reaches in his
closet and pulls out an orange coat.
The kid puts his coat on, then turns to camera and pulls the
hood shut, so that we never get a good look at his face.
MOTHER (O.S.)
KENNY! YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR CHURCH!!!
This boy's name is KENNY, and under his orange coat, we have
no idea what he looks like, except for his European nose and
hazel eyes.
KENNY
Mph rmph rm!
INT. KENNY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN
Kenny walks through his small, dirty house and into the
kitchen, where his MOTHER, FATHER and OLDER BROTHER are
sitting at the humble table.
KENNY'S MOTHER
Sit down, you can share some of your
brother's waffle.
The doorbell rings. Kenny walks over to the door.
EXT. KENNY'S HOUSE - DAY
Kenny opens the door to find Stan.
STAN
Kenny! The Terrance and Phillip movie is
out! You wanna come?!
Stan shows Kenny a newspaper clipping. It's an ad for the new
Terrance and Phillip movie 'Asses of fire'. Kenny's eyes
light up.
KENNY
Mph rmph rm, rmph!
Kenny walks away with Stan. His mother comes out after him.
KENNY'S MOTHER
Kenny! Where're you going?
KENNY
Mph mprh mprh rm!
KENNY'S MOTHER
What do you mean you don't want to go to
church?
KENNY
Mrmph, rmph rmph rm rmph.
Kenny and Stan walk down the street.
KENNY'S MOTHER
Well fine, go ahead and miss church!! And
then when you die and go to hell you can
ANSWER TO SATAN!!
Dramatic MUSIC STING. Kenny stops, thinks for a minute... And
then walks off with Stan anyway.
EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY
Stan and Kenny now both happily march down the street to the
happy beat.
TOM, a plastic surgeon, peeps his head out the door of his
Rhinoplasty office.
TOM
Say, where are you boys going?
STAN
We're going to the movies!
To see the brighter side of life!
Where everyone is beautiful
And have their hair combed just
right!
KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph rm!
Mph rm rmph rm!
Mprh rm rmph rm rm
Rmph rm rmph rm rmph!
TOM
Have fun you rascals!
EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY
Kenny and Stan knock at the door.
A handsome eight year old Semite, KYLE, answers the door.
KYLE
Hey, dudes... Aren't you supposed to go
to church, Kenny?
STAN
Kyle, check it out.
Kenny holds up the newspaper clipping.
KYLE
OH MY GOD, DUDE!!!
Kyle slips on his coat and heads out the door. But just then,
Kyle's little brother, IKE, a two year old adopted Canadian
boy bounces up next to him.
KYLE
No, Ike! You can't come with me!
Kyle's MOTHER, a big fat bitch, comes to the door and yells.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, you take your little brother out to
play with you!
KYLE
Aw, ma!!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Do as I say, Kyle!
Kyle's mother closes the door.
KYLE
Damn it!!
EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY
Now the three boys, and little Ike, merrily strut down the
street and sing in unison.
BOYS
We're going to the movies
To see the better side of life
Where something interesting happens
Every day and night!
KYLE
In movies we can pretend
That love is real
and good always wins-
STAN
We can even make believe marriages
last!
A HOMELESS guy is lying in the alley.
HOMELESS GUY
Spare a dollar? Spare a dollar?
Stan walks by and throws a dollar at him. The homeless guy
suddenly jumps up.
HOMELESS GUY
I'm going to the movies!
To see the brighter side of life!
I'm going to the movies
Everything's gonna be alright!
Forget my troubles
Put my own life on hold
Let a studio tell me
how to view the world!
KYLE
Let's go get fat ass!
EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - DAY
This house looks just like all the others.
INT. THAT SAME HOUSE
CLOSE UP on a bag that reads 'CHEESY POOFS'. A hand reaches
into the bag, pulls out a wad of orange crunchies and raises
them --
BOOM UP to reveal the fat face of eight year old ERIC CARTMAN
who chows down on the chips.
Now we see that fat little Eric is sitting on his couch,
eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television.
The doorbell rings. Cartman doesn't move a muscle.
CARTMAN
MOM! SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR!
CARTMAN'S MOTHER enters. She is extremely June Cleaveresque
(except that she's a hermaphrodite crack whore). She returns
with Stan, Kyle and Kenny.
CARTMAN'S MOTHER
Look, Eric it's your little friends.
CARTMAN
What the hell are you guys doing here?
IKE
Baba turtre bad!
Kyle holds up the newspaper ad.
CARTMAN
Ooh!
EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE
Now all four boys are merrily walking down the street and
singing.
BOYS
We're going to the movies
To see the better side of life!
CARTMAN
Maybe there'll be pirates!
Or a whole city burnin'!
Maybe we'll see a monster
Or, better yet, Uma Thurman!
BOYS
We're going to the movies!
Everything's gonna be okay!
The boys skip out of frame.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY
The movie theatre is nestled neatly between two other South
Park buildings.
The boys walk up to the geeky, teenage TICKET GUY.
BOYS
Going to the movies!
The movies today!!!!!
STAN
Can I get five tickets to Terrance and
Phillip Asses of Fire, please?
TICKET GUY
No.
Suddenly, all the happy music that has permeated the film
comes to an ABRUPT HALT.
The boys look confused.
KYLE
What'dya mean, no?
TICKET GUY
Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire is
rated 'R'. You kids can't get in.
The boys look shocked. They just stand there, in silence.
CARTMAN
The hell we can't! My money is just as
good as any white person's!
TICKET GUY
You have to be accompanied by a parent or
guardian.
KYLE
But why?
TICKET GUY
Because this movie has naughty language,
and it might make you kids start using
bad words.
CARTMAN
Listen you son of a bitch, if you don't
let us in to see this movie I'm gonna
kick you square in the nuts.
TICKET GUY
Sorry, Charlie.
KYLE
Damn it!
TICKET GUY
Next, please?
A few TEENAGERS walk up to get their tickets. The boys step
aside.
STAN
This is terrible! This can't be
happening!!
KYLE
We HAVE to see this movie, dude!
CARTMAN
Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that
good anyway.
KYLE
Cartman! What the hell are you talking
about?! You LOVE Terrance and Philiip!
CARTMAN
Yeah, but the animation's all crappy - it
probably can't sustain itself over ninety
minutes.
IKE
Poo baba!
STAN
Wait! I've got an idea!
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - A LITTLE LATER
The old Homeless guy from the intro song walks up to the
Ticket Guy with the boys.
HOMELESS GUY
Uh, hi. I want five tickets to Terrance
and Phillip Asses of Fire.
TICKET GUY
You realize this movie is rated R? It may
not be appropriate for your little ones.
HOMELESS GUY
Oh.
(Turning to boys)
Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate
for you.
STAN
(Whispering)
Look, homeless guy, if you don't want to
buy us tickets, and NOT get your ten
bucks and NOT go buy yourself a bottle of
Vodka and not forget about how miserable
your life is and not stop the voices in
your head then go right ahead.
HOMELESS GUY
Five tickets please.
The Ticket guy suspiciously hands them over.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
The boys are all sitting in the front row. Cartman has a huge
tub of popcorn, all kinds of candy, and a large drink.
IKE
Purpre mama!
KYLE
Be quiet, Ike! The movie's starting!
ANGLE - MOVIE SCREEN
A TITLE reads 'Terrance and Phillip - Asses of Fire'
BOYS
HOORAY!!!
On the screen, we come across PHILLIP, a very handsome
Canadian star with a great body.
PHILLIP
Say Terrance, what did the Spanish Priest
say to the Uranian gynecologist?
PAN OVER to TERRANCE, who is also Canadian, and equally
handsome in a more rugged way.
TERRANCE
I don't know, Phillip, what?
Phillip rips a big fart. Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
ANGLE - BOYS
Laughing their asses off.
KYLE
That was sweet!
STAN
Where do they come up with this stuff?!
CARTMAN
How come Terrance and Phillip are so
weird looking?
KYLE
Cuz, dummy they're Canadian, just like
Ike!
CARTMAN
Oh.
IKE
Poo bada!
ANGLE - SCREEN
TERRANCE
You're such a pigfucker, Phillip!
PHILLIP
What?! Why would you call me a
pigfucker?!
TERRANCE
Well, let's see... First of all, you fuck
pigs.
PHILLIP
Oh yeah!
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
ANGLE - BOYS
KYLE
Woa, dude! Did they say what I think they
said?
ANGLE - SCREEN
Terrance pulls out a white envelope.
TERRANCE
Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch, I
just got a letter!
PHILLIP
A letter from who, you shit sucking cock
master?
TRACK IN on the boys' wide eyed faces as the dialogue from
the film enters their innocent ears.
TERRANCE
It's from your mother.
PHILLIP
My mother sent YOU a letter? What's it
say?
TERRANCE
It says 'Dear Terrance, please don't ever
tell my son that I licked your hairy
balls.'
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
PHILLIP
Oh, you fucking ball whore!
The boys don't laugh, they just smile widely, they seem busy
taking it all in.
CARTMAN
Wow... Ball whore...
TERRANCE
Listen, you donkey raping shit eater-
KYLE
(To himself)
Donkey raping shit eater.
IKE
Doky maping she deeder!!!
TERRANCE
You'd fuck your uncle!
PHILLIP
YOU'D fuck your uncle!
TERRANCE
(Singing)
Shut your fucking face,
Unclefucka!!
You're an asslicking, Ball sucking
Unclefucka!!
You're an Unclefucka, yes it's true
Nobody fucks Uncles quite like you-
PHILLIP
SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE!!
UNCLEFUCKA!!!
YOU'RE the one that fucked your
Uncle, UNCLEFUCKA!!!
You don't eat, or sleep or mow the
lawn
You just fuck your Uncle all day
long!
TERRANCE & PHILLIP
Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka!
You butt licking bastard
Unclefucka!
TERRANCE
You're an Unclefucka I must say!
PHILLIP
You fucked YOUR Uncle yesterday!
TERRANCE & PHILLIP
Unclefucka! That's YOUUUUUUU!!!!!
The song ends and the boys erupt into applause.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY
The boys walk out of the theatre with glazed eyes and wide
smiles.
KYLE
Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
CARTMAN
You bet your fucking ass it was!
STAN
Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrance
and Phillip!
TICKET GUY
Hey wait a minute... Where's your
guardian?
STAN
Huh?
TICKET GUY
I knew it! You PAID a homeless guy to get
you in, didn't you!
The boys think a second.
CARTMAN
Suck my balls.
KYLE
Yeah,
(Singing)
Shut your fucking face,
Unclefucka!!
The boys walk away, merrily. The ticket guy is in shock.
TICKET GUY
Oh oh, I'm in trouble.
BOYS
(Singing, fading off)
You're an asslicking, ball sucking
Unclefucka!!
EXT. STARK'S POND - DAY
All the children of South Park are gathered at the pond for
ice skating.
The scene is reminiscent of the skating scene from the
Charlie Brown Christmas special.
Delicate snowflakes fall, children laugh and skate, and
joyous music plays.
The boys walk up to the pond.
CLYDE
Hey, where have you guys been all day?
STAN
Oh, nowhere... We just went out to go see
the TERRANCE AND PHILLIP MOVIE!
All the kids gasp! Dramatic MUSIC STING.
BEBE
You saw it?!
CLYDE
How'd you get in?!
Suddenly, all the kids are gathered around the boys. They're
like celebrities.
CARTMAN
Hey! Stop crowding us you shitfaced
cockmasters!
All the kids stop, wide eyed. As if they've just hear the
voice of God.
KIDS
Wowwww...
STAN
Yeah, you're all a bunch of ass ramming
unclefuckers.
KIDS
Ooooohhh!!!
CLYDE
(To another kid)
We HAVE to see this movie, dude.
The other kids nod.
CARTMAN
Hey Stan, tell 'em about when Terrance
called Phillip a testicle shitting rectal
wart! Stan? Stan?
But Stan is elsewhere, because out on the ice, skating
gracefully, is little eight year old WENDY TESTABURGER.
The heavens part, a CHOIR OF ANGELS sing, as Wendy skates
around and around, performing a series of impossible Triple
Lutzes, Sowcows and what-have-you-not's.
All the animals of the forest -- deer, birds, bunnies -- all
stop to admire her.
Stan's smile grows wider and wider. Kyle turns to see what
he's looking at.
STAN
Thank my lucky stars
Here before me now
Is everything I'd ever hoped for
Knew it in a word
Saw it in a glance
The only thing I think I'd die
for...
KYLE
Aw, God Damn it, he's singing that
fucking song again.
ANGLE - WENDY
Spinning and soaring in slo-mo. Effortlessly covering every
inch of the pond with her ballet maneuvers.
Stan is slack-jawed.
STAN
I can't stop now
My heart's awake
I pray her arms
my arms to take
So this is why I'm ali-
Wendy finishes her routine with a triumphant Hamill-camel
landing right in front of Stan and spraying ice in his face
and abruptly ending his song.
WENDY
Hi, Stan!
Stan vomits profusely all over himself.
WENDY
Ew! Gross!
Just then, another kid skates up, spraying more ice in Stan's
face. His name is GREGORY, and he is a very handsome eight
year old boy, with golden hair and an open-buttoned shirt. He
speaks with a rich English accent.
GREGORY
Come, Wendy, let us try to jump the hilly
brush.
Stan looks at Gregory.
STAN
Who are you, kid?
GREGORY
My name is Gregory. I have been Wendy's
counter-cousin for some time.
WENDY
Want to skate with us?
GREGORY
We've been skating all morning. And
laughing and talking of memories past.
Gregory skates away. Stan looks stunned. Finally, he tries to
get Wendy's attention.
STAN
We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie!
WENDY
That's nice, Stan.
Wendy skates after Gregory. Stan looks completely rejected.
KYLE
Woa, dude, who's your girlfriend's new
guy?
STAN
She's not my girlfriend, dude!
Meanwhile, the schoolkids are all still gathered around
Cartman.
CARTMAN
Yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip
movie. Who wants to touch me? I said,
"Who wants to touch me?!"
A small boy steps forward and tentatively touches Cartman's
arm.
SMALL BOY
Oooooh...
EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - MORNING
Establishing shot of the little town of South Park which
consists of four buildings. The sun rises in the background.
It's a brand new day.
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
The elementary school is nestled peacefully between two
mountain peaks.
INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
The kids of South Park are all in their seats, singing.
KIDS
Shut your fucking face,
Unclefucka!!
You're a shitsucking, cocksucking
Unclefucka!!
The door opens, and suddenly the kids quiet down.
CLOSE-UP on a hand puppet with a large red hat. It seems to
be speaking.
MR. HAT
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
As the voice continues, we PULL BACK to reveal that the
puppet is on the right hand of MR. GARRISON, a forty-six year
old teacher who is in denial about his homosexuality.
MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)
We have a lot to learn and precious
little time.
Garrison looks over the class and notices that every single
one of them is wearing a Terrance and Phillip T-shirt,
except, of course, for Wendy.
MR. GARRISON
Why is everyone wearing T-shirts of
Sigfried and Roy?
KYLE
It's not Sigried and Roy, Mr. Garrison,
it's Terrance and Phillip.
KIDS
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!
Stan looks over at Wendy. She just rolls her eyes. Stan
sulks.
MR. GARRISON
Well, anyway... Today children, our
friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all
about the environment.
MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)
That's right, Mr. Garrison. The
environment is what surrounds us. It is
what we live and breathe.
CARTMAN
I hate the environment.
KYLE
Dude, how can you hate the environment?
CARTMAN
'Cuz, dude, it's all sticky and airy and
fragile and stuff. I fucking hate it.
The kids all GASP!
MR. GARRISON
Eric! Did you just say the "F" word?
CARTMAN
Fragile?
KYLE
No, he's talking about fuck, dude. You
can't say fuck in front of Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON
Kyle!
CARTMAN
Why the fuck not?
MR. GARRISON
Eric!
STAN
Dude, you just said fuck again.
MR. GARRISON
Stanly!
KENNY
Mph.
MR. GARRISON
Kenny!
CARTMAN
That's bullshit! If Terrance and Phillip
can say something, I should be able to
say it too!
BEBE
Wow, Cartman's cool!
CLYDE
He's like Terrance and Phillip!
Cartman gloats proudly.
CARTMAN
Fuckin' a right.
MR. GARRISON
How would you like to go to the
principal's office?
CARTMAN
How would you like to gargle rat jiz?
Mr. Garrison is in shock.
MR. GARRISON
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!
CARTMAN
I said -
Cartman takes out a megaphone, hits the switch and puts it
to his mouth. It feeds back horribly.
CARTMAN
(Through megaphone)
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GARGLE RAT JIZ?!
Garrison is floored.
KYLE
Oh, dude we are fucked now.
INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
The boys are seated in front of the Principal's desk.
STAN
Now remember, don't tell anybody we saw
the Terrance and Phillip movie!
KYLE
Yeah, let's swear we won't tell!
Just then, the Principal walks in. She is PRINCIPAL VICTORIA,
a frizzy haired woman of about forty.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I am VERY disappointed in you boys!
You should be ASHAMED of yourselves! I've
already called in your parents, but first
I want you to THINK about what you've
done.
CARTMAN
Principal Victoria, can I ask a question?
PRINCPAL VICTORIA
What?
CARTMAN
What's the big fucking deal?
STAN
Yeah.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
AGH!! I want to know where you heard
these horrific obscenities!
The boys look at each other.
STAN
Nowhere.
KYLE
I'VE heard them from Mr. Garrison a few
times before...
STAN
Yeah!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison
ever said-
(Reading)
'Eat penguin shit you cum sucking ass
spelunker' in school!
The boys all laugh.
But then the door opens and in walks Stan's mother, Kyle's
mother, Cartman's mother and Kenny's mother.
STAN
Oh, oh...
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Thank you all for coming on such short
notice. As you can see, your boys are all
being disciplined.
STAN'S MOTHER
This just isn't like you, Stanley!
Stan looks down at the floor.
KYLE'S MOTHER
What did my son say, Principal Victoria?
Did he say the S word?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
No, it was worse than that...
KYLE'S MOTHER
(Gasping)
The F word?!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
No, worse. Here's a short list of the
things they've been saying.
The mothers look over the sheet of paper. Immediately, their
eyes bulge.
STAN'S MOTHER
Oh dear God...
KYLE'S MOTHER
What is 'fisting'?
CARTMAN'S MOTHER
That's when the fist is inserted into the
anus or vagina for sexual pleasure.
The two moms stare at Ms. Cartman.
CARTMAN'S MOTHER
What?
KYLE'S MOTHER
(To Kyle)
Young man, you will tell Peincipal
Victoria THIS INSTANT where you heard all
these horrible phrases!
KYLE
I can't dude! We all took a sacred oath,
and swore ourselves to secrecy!
CARTMAN
It was the Terrance and Phllip movie!
STAN
Dude!
CARTMAN
What? Fuck you guys, I wanna get out of
here.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Terrance and Phillip MOVIE?! Oy gevalt!
Not again!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
What is Terrance and Phillip?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Terrance and Phillip are two VERY
untalented, unfunny actors from Canada.
Their TV show is filled with toilet humor
and bad language and is just complete
garbage. Now it appears they have a
movie and I'm positive it's not suitable
for children!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, it looks like I'll have to send a
warning letter out to parents. I have to
put a stop to this before MORE children
see 'Terrance and Phillip'.
CARTMAN
Everybody's already fucking seen it.
MS. CARTMAN
Eric!
CARTMAN
I'm sorry! I can't help it!! That movie
has warped my fragile little mind.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Alright, boys, that's enough. Get out and
let us adults speak.
The boys get up and walk out. Kyle's mother slams the door
behind them.
KYLE'S MOTHER
We must take action on this immediately.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Ooh yes. I think we'll have to give
detention to those boys.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Forgive me for saying so, Principal
Victoria, but your methods are too...
Shall we say... soft? As head of the
PTA, I am exercising my right under
article 42 of the PTA code.
A look of shock comes over the principal's face.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Article 42! You don't mean-?!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Yes Principal Victoria. The PTA is
impeaching you.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
But I-
KYLE'S MOTHER
You are officially relieved of your
duties as principal of this school!
Kyle's mother sits herself down at Principal Victoria's desk.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Get out of that chair! The PTA is in
charge now!
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
The other school kids are in line for lunch.
Just then, the Kyle's mother's voice comes blaring through
the P.A.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Attention students. We are now enforcing
a new dress code at South Park
Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts
are NO LONGER ALLOWED IN SCHOOL. Anyone
wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is
to be SENT HOME IMMEDIATELY.
The kids look down. They're all wearing Terrance and Phillip
shirts.
KIDS
HOOORAY!!!
The kids all cheer and run out the door. Leaving the
cafeteria absolutely empty... Except for Wendy.
WENDY
Hello?
Wendy's hello echoes throughout the entire building.
INT. TELEVISION SET
A dapper NEWS ANCHOR sits behind a news desk.
NEWS ANCHOR
All over America, kids are flocking to
the R rated film, 'Terrance and Phillip
Asses of Fire'. Here with a special
report, is a quadriplegic midget in a
bikini.
INT. SPELLING BEE - DAY
A QUADRIPLEGIC MIDGET IN A BIKINI stands in front of the
camera with a microphone.
Q. MIDGET W/BIKINI
Thanks, Tom. It appears that the effects
of the Canadian Comedy are far reaching
indeed. All over America, children seem
to be influenced.
A TEACHER is on stage with a young spelling bee contestant.
TEACHER
Alright, this is for the silver medal.
Spell 'Forensics'.
KID
Oh, fuck that, why should I fucking have
to spell forensics?
All the kids cheer.
KID
Here you go; S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S,
FORENSICS.
CUT TO:
EXT. BIRTHDAY PARTY - DAY
A happy birthday party is going on is some kids backyard. A
clown is entertaining everyone.
CLOWN
Hey kids, how would you like to see some
magic tricks?!
KIDS
FUCK YOU!!
The clown looks startled.
CLOWN
Huh?
CHILD
Yeah, and fuck your stupid little red
nose.
CHILD 2
Yeah, and fuck your yellow hair. And fuck
your gay pants.
PAN OVER to again find the midget reporter. He now has a
graphic of a record chart next to him.
Q. MIDGET W/BIKINI
And the devastating impact of the
Canadian phenomenon is Terrance and
Phillip's new hit song, "Shut Your
Fucking Face, Unclefucka" which has
climbed the charts with a bullet --
We see a clip from the video, "Unclefucka."
The video has Terrance and Phillip dressed like Mase and
Puffy in that video they did in Vegas. They wear shiny
bright jumpsuits and lunge at the fish-eye lens of the
camera.
TERRANCE & PHILLIP
(Singing)
Shut your fucking face!
Unclefucka!!
INT. NEWSROOM - DAY
The news anchor shakes his head in disgust.
NEWS ANCHOR
Thanks, midget. Shocking report. The
controversy surrounding the Terrance and
Phillip movie began in the small mountain
town of South Park, Colorado where the
local PTA banned the movie. With us
tonight is the head of the South Park
PTA, Sheila Brofloski-
A screen appears with Kyle's mother, looking very pissed. The
TITLE below her reads 'Outraged Mother'.
NEWS ANCHOR
Ms. Brovlofski, how are these kids seeing
this film? Is bad parenting to blame? Or
is it Canada?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Canada!
NEWS ANCHOR
Alright. Here with a counterpoint is the
Canadian Minister of Movies.
A split screen appears, Kyle's mother on one side, and a
goofy looking Canadian slides into the other.
NEWS ANCHOR
Thank you, Minister, for joining us.
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
Thanks for having me, buddy.
NEWS ANCHOR
Minister, parents all over America are
concerned about your country's
entertainment. Your thoughts?
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
Well, the film is R rated, and it's not
intended for children-
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh but OF COURSE children are going to
see it!!
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
Uh, can I finish? Can I finish? ...The
fact is that we Canadians are quite
surprised by your outrage-
KYLE'S MOTHER
YOU JUST DON'T CARE!
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
Can I finish? Hello? Can I finish? ...The
United States has graphic images of
violence on television all the time, what
is that one show? COPS? And car crashes
caught on tape? We can't believe that a
movie with some foul language and fart
jokes would piss you off so much.
KYLE'S MOTHER
BECAUSE IT'S EVIL!!
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
Can I finish? Please? Can I finish? ...
... Uh... Okay, I'm finished.
NEWS ANCHOR
But minister, it isn't like this film is
the first troublesome thing to come out
of Canada. Let us not forget Brian Adams
a few decades ago.
The Minister thinks.
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
What?
KYLE'S MOTHER
The Canadians are just mad that we
mothers here in South Park have the
chutzpah to stand up to them! Like it or
not, Mr. Canadian Minister, OUR children
are now safe from your Canadian smut!
INT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY
The boys are in the front row, this time with Wendy, watching
the Terrance and Phillip movie.
TERRANCE
Well, Terrance I hope you learned
something from this whole experience.
PHILLIP
I did, Terrance, I learned that you are a
boner biting dick fart fuck face!
The boys laugh merrily. Wendy just looks bored.
TERRANCE
Say Phillip, want to see the Northern
Lights?
PHILLIP
You bet, Terrance!
Terrance pulls out a match, lights it, then farts.
The flame burns Terrance to a blackened mass.
PHILLIP
HA HA HA! You burned yourself to death by
lighting the fart! HA HA HA!!
TERRANCE
(Just a skull)
I sure did, Phillip!!
The boys laugh hysterically.
STAN
Did you see that, Wendy?
WENDY
Yup.
EXT. THEATER - DAY
The boys walk out happily.
KYLE
Man, that movie gets better every time I
see it!
CARTMAN
Yeah, but you know what? That whole part
about lighting farts is bullshit. You
can't do that.
KENNY
Mph rmpmh rm.
CARTMAN
No way.
STAN
Didn't you think it was funny, Wendy?
WENDY
Stan... I think you and I need some time
apart.
STAN
WHAT?!
CARTMAN
Oh shit.
WENDY
It's just... It's obvious that we don't
have a whole lot in common anymore. I
need somebody who's... a little deeper.
STAN
But Wendy, I can go-
Wendy places her little gloved hand over Stan's mouth.
WENDY
No. Don't speak. You'll only make things
more annoying. Goodbye, Stan.
And just like that, Wendy is gone. Stan looks almost ready to
cry.
Kyle walks up behind Stan.
KYLE
Dude, anybody who doesn't think Terrance
and Phillip is funny can fuck off
anyways.
STAN
(Insincere)
Yeah...
The boys walk off.
KENNY
Mph rmph rm!!
CARTMAN
No you can't Kenny!
KENNY
Mph rm rmph!!
CARTMAN
Okay Kenny, I'll bet you a HUNDRED
DOLLARS you can't light a fart on fire!
KENNY
Mph mm!
Kenny pulls out a book of matches.
He strikes a match and holds it under his ass.
After a few seconds Kenny farts, and there is a little flame.
Suddenly, the flames catch and Kenny starts burning alive.
KENNY
MMMPMMPH!!! MGMFEODFO!!!
Kenny runs around, and finally falls to the ground, still
burning.
STAN
OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED KENNY!!
KYLE
YOU BASTARD!!
Cartman looks shocked.
CARTMAN
Wow, I guess you CAN do that!
INT. HOSPITAL - LATER
DOCTORS and NURSES are pushing Kenny into the operating room
ER style.
Everything is quick and chaotic. Shouts fill the hallway.
NURSE
CBC chem kit STAT!!
DOCTOR GAUCHE
LOAD THAT I.V. WITH 70CCS OF SODIUM
PENTOTHAL!!
INT. OPERATING ROOM
It's mid-operation.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Siphon the fluid off his brain!! Vacuum!
Another nurse hands him a sucker tube. He immediately shoves
into Kenny's skull. It starts to slurp and burble.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Try to untangle his trachea and
esophagus!
NURSE
Right!
While Doctor Gauche wrestles with Kenny's lungs and torso,
the nurse reaches into Kenny's mouth and pulls both his
windpipe and esophagus out of his mouth, turning them inside
out in the process.
Off to the side, Stan, Cartman and Kyle look on as the doctor
and nurses tangle themselves in knots with Kenny's innards.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
No! THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!!
NURSE
Watch his liver!!!
Kenny's liver POPS out of his torso and slides across the
floor.
ASSISTANT
I'll get it!!!
DOCTOR GAUCHE
We have precious little time left people!
We're going to lose him soon!!
Suddenly, there is a long, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
NURSE
Doctor, his heart's stopped!
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Crack him. Let's get it out of there!!!
Doctor Gauche lifts Kenny's heart out of his body.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
We need to zap this, quick!
And runs it to the microwave. He opens the door.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Who's making a potato?
DOCTOR 2
My bad, sir. I missed lunch.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Damn it! I am NOT going to lose this
kid!!!!!!
INT. RECOVERY ROOM - LATER
Fade up from black. We're close on Kenny's face. His little
eyes start to open.
Doctor Gauche leans over him Kenny. Stan and Kyle are
there.
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Kenny. Kenny, can you hear me?
Kenny stirs.
KENNY
(Weakly)
Mph rmph rm...
DOCTOR GAUCHE
How are you feeling, son?
KENNY
mph.... rmph....
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Great... Son, I have some bad news. We
accidentally replaced your heart with a
baked potato. You have about seven
seconds to live.
KENNY
Mrm?!
Just then, Kenny's baked potato heart explodes, splattering
gore all over the inside of the recovery room and on the
outside of Dr. Gauche, Stan and Kyle.
STAN
Oh my God! THEY killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!!
DOCTOR GAUCHE
Damn it! It never gets any easier!
Anybody get the score of that Broncos
game?
INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM
Kyle's mother is waiting with the rest of the parents.
The nurse walks up to Kenny's parents with a sad expression.
NURSE
I'm sorry...
Kenny's mother breaks down.
KENNY'S MOTHER
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KENNY'S DAD
You bastards!
KYLE'S MOTHER
I knew this would happen! Those bastard
Canadians have now killed a child! Can't
people see the damage that film is
doing?!
STAN'S MOTHER
He was killed doing something he saw in
the movie. It was Terrance and Phillip...
THEY killed Kenny.
CARTMAN'S MOTHER
You bastards.
KYLE'S MOTHER
This is it! The time for action is NOW!!
(Singing)
Something must be done!
This is like a spreading rash!
They're pulling out our children's
brains
and filling them with trash!
Can't you see what this is leading
to?
A world of smut and sex and poo!
I believe the good fight has begun!
Something must be done!
Everyone gathers around Kyle's mother.
STAN'S MOTHER
I agree!
(Singing)
Something must be done!
We must take action fast!
My child used to say 'please and
thank you'
Now he says suck my ass!
CARTMAN'S MOTHER
And my boy was the sweetest boy the
world had ever known!
until those damn Canadians brought
that filth into our home!
I agree that there is now a battle
to be won!
We can't just stand here singing!
Something must be done!
KENNY'S MOTHER
But what are we going to do against the
media machine? It's so big and powerful!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Right! And we can use that same media
machine to exploit OUR cause! We've got
to let the whole world know what the
Canadians did to your son!
PARENTS
Yeah!!
KYLE'S MOTHER
COME ON!
The parents all head out the door-
EXT. HOSPITAL - CONTINUOUS
The doors to the hospital swing open, and the parents march
out into the street, singing in unison as they go.
PARENTS
(Singing)
Something must be done!
Something's gotta give!
This world has become a bitch in
which
we have no desire to live!
Cars come screeching to a halt as the parents sing in the
middle of the road. People start honking their horns in
frustration.
KENNY'S MOTHER
My boy could have become a doctor
Or a lawyer rich and true
Instead he burned up like a piggy
on a bar-b-que!
KYLE'S MOTHER
We will fight for children's rights
in memory of your son!
PARENTS
We can't just stand here singing!
Something must be done!
Cars are now smashing into each other, and flying off the
road to people's deaths, as the music number has taken over
the busy intersection.
PARENTS
We've pushed and pushed it to the
edge
And now the time has come!
Something's gotta change!
It's time to buy a gun!
We can't just stand here singing
No we can't just stand here singing
No we can't just stand here
singing!
Something must be done!!!
A few more cars careen off and explode into flames as if
ending the song with a borage of fireworks.
INT. OPERATING ROOM -
The boys gather around Kenny's lifeless body.
CARTMAN
(Dazed)
I bet him he couldn't do it... I bet him
a hundred dollars!
KYLE
Come on, Cartman. It's not your fault.
CARTMAN
No, I know. I'm just fucking STOKED I
don't have to pay him!
KYLE
Oh.
The boys walk out, leaving Kenny's corpse behind. We can
still hear the boys voices as they exit.
KYLE (O.S.)
I can't believe he's dead.
CARTMAN (O.S.)
Yeah, I'm having total deja vu right now.
Like this has all happened before...
After they leave, PUSH IN to Kenny's dead body, which is
left all alone on the operating table.
The camera continues to zoom in to Kenny's face...
ZOOM IN on Kenny's dead face. We pass into his thoughs...
FLASH!!
EXT. SPACE -
Kenny's body is floating through a great void. A PEACEFUL
SONG plays as he soars upwards to the heavens.
*note - except for Kenny's little construction paper body,
this entire sequence should be done in 3D CGI.
Ahead of him, Kenny can see a great white light. It appears
warm and inviting.
Now Kenny notices large beautiful breasts bobbing up and down
in the heavens. He reaches out to touch them.
Kenny blissfully floats upward toward the bright light and
bobbing breasts. The music crescendos as Kenny gets almost
close enough to the light to touch it.
Just then, a huge, electronic sign pops up. 'Access Denied'.
Suddenly, Kenny goes spiraling downward. The song changes to
a MINISTRY type number as Kenny's surroundings start to
become darker and more twisted.
Kenny's hapless spirit enters a horrifying red tunnel, filled
with flames and heat.
KENNY
Mph rmph rm!
Burning souls SCREAM and CRY all around Kenny, as his body
plunges into what is now obviously the depths of hell.
Kenny passes images of Hitler, John Wayne Gacy, hunger and
disease as he continues through the twisting tunnel.
He then passes images of Jimmy Stewart and Gandhi. All of
whom are opportunely locked in hell for all eternity.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY
The same ticket guy from before is at the ticket booth. The
marquee still reads 'Terrance and Phillip' but a huge sticker
has been placed over it that reads 'banned'.
The boys stand underneath the marquee looking baffled.
STAN
How can they do this?
KYLE
It isn't fair!
CARTMAN
Well, Terrance and Phillip are on Conan
O'Brian tonight, we could at least go
watch that.
The boys hang their heads and walks away.
The ticket guy suddenly hears a bunch of commotion. He sees a
mob of angry mothers, led by Kyle's mother.
KYLE'S MOTHER
THIS must be him, officer! This is the
scum that sold R rated tickets to
children!
TICKET GUY
What?! Jesus Christ, I didn't mean to!
Barbrady slaps handcuffs on the freaked out teen.
OFFICER BARBRADY
You can explain downtown!
TICKET GUY
(Getting dragged away)
Oh shit! Hey it's not MY fault! You
should arrest those pervert Canadians!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh we will, Mr. Scumbag... We will...
EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Establishing.
INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The boys are sitting on Cartman's couch watching TV.
ANGLE - TELEVISION - THE CONAN O'BRIAN SHOW
Conan comes back from a commercial break. Sitting next to
him, is Ms. Brooke Shields.
CONAN O'BRIAN
Our next guests have the number one movie
in the world right now, please welcome
Terrance and Phillip!
A few cheers as Terrance and Phillip walk out on stage. A few
boos as well, and we see that the South Park mothers are in
the audience holding 'Anti-Terrance and Phillip' signs.
Terrance and Phillip walk out and sit next to Brooke Shields.
PHILLIP
Hello, Conan!
TERRANCE
Hello, Brooke Shields!
CONAN
It's nice to have you here in America.
PHILLIP
Yeah, well, you being a Canadian and all,
we thought what the hell!
CONAN O'BRIAN
So guys... I understand you have a comedy
routine worked out for us.
PHILLIP
We sure do, Conan. And here it is. Excuse
me, Terrance.
TERRANCE
Yes, Phillip?
Phillip rips a fart that launches Terrance backwards and into
the band. They both laugh wildly.
PHILLIP
Gotcha!
Terrance and Phillip laugh. Nobody in the audience laughs.
ANGLE - BOYS
They laugh merrily.
RESUME - THE CONAN O'BRIAN SHOW
TERRANCE
Good one, Phillip! Cheers.
PHILLIP
Cheers, Terrance!
Terrance extricates himself from the band. Conan is growing
nervous. He looks out into the audience...
Kyle's mother is sitting there, looking angry. Conan makes
eye contact with her, and then nods his head. Kyle's mother
nods back.
CONAN O'BRIAN
(Nervous)
So, guys, I need to ask you a serious
question...
PHILLIP
I just farted Terrance back into the
stone age!
They both laugh hard.
Brooke Shields waits a beat, then belts out a fake laugh.
BROOKE SHIELDS
I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!
TERRANCE
Nobody cares, Brooke Shields!
CONAN O'BRIAN
Terrance and Phillip... Whose idea was
it, to have a person lighting a fart on
fire in your movie? Who is responsible
for that?
Terrance and Phillip exhange glances.
TERRANCE
Phillip, I think our friend Conan has
been working too hard.
CONAN O'BRIAN
Say it! It was YOUR idea to have someone
light a fart on fire in your movie!
PHILLIP/TERRANCE
(Together)
It was our idea to have someone light a
fart on fire in your movie.
ANGLE ON THE AUDIENCE
Kyle's mother is among them, listening to all this.
KYLE'S MOTHER
(Into her lapel)
That's it! Move, move, move!
ANGLE ON TERRANCE AND PHILLIP
A battalion of Army guys appear, seize Terrance and Phillip
and arrest everyone in their group.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Terrance and Phillip, you are under
arrest for working in America without the
proper documents! WE GOT YOU!
ANGLE - BOYS
KYLE
Dude, what the hell is going on?
RESUME - THE CONAN O'BRIAN SHOW
TERRANCE
Phillip, we've been tricked and ambushed
by The Conan O'Brian Show!!
PHILLIP
This little scrotum sucker willfully
deceived us!
(Pointing to Conan)
You are a bad man!
TERRANCE
And you call yourself a Canadian!
(To Phillip)
I told you we should of done Leno!
Conan O'Brian turns away, ashamed.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Don't listen to them, Mr. O'Brian.
They're master manipulators. You did a
good job.
TERRANCE
You loved our movie, Conan! We watched
it together. You... You laughed!
Conan grabs his head.
CONAN O'BRIAN
What have I done?!!!
Conan grabs a gun and blows his head off, dousing Brooke
Shields with blood.
BROOKE SHIELDS
AGAHGAHGGH!!!! Mondays at eight
AAAGHGH!!!!
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. Kyle's mother cradles
Conan's lifeless body.
KYLE'S MOTHER
You see what your filth has caused?
TERRANCE
US?! This is your mess, outraged mother!!
INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The boys are sitting on the couch in absolute shock.
STAN
Dude, our moms arrested Terrance and
Phillip!
KYLE
Our moms suck!
CARTMAN
This could mean... No more Terrance and
Phillip - EVER!
EXT. UNITED NATIONS - DAY
Establishing shot.
INT. UNITED NATIONS - GENERAL ASSEMBLY ROOM
Lots of foreigners with their silly foreign outfits sit at
their stupid microphones with their ridiculous translation
headsets -- in the general assembly hall. The Canadian
Ambassador stands before them.
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
As The Canadian Ambassador, I hereby
condemn the actions taken by America in
apprehending Terrance and Phillip!
A MURMUR goes through the crowd.
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
We demand their release IMMEDIATELY!! As
you can see from this graph, the entire
economy of Canada relies on Terrance and
Phillip! Without them we are doomed to
recession!
The United Nations head bangs his gavel.
Now Kyle's mother stands up. She is with a group of mothers
all wearing M.A.C T-shirts.
KYLE'S MOTHER
If I may?
Everyone looks at Kyle's mother.
KYLE'S MOTHER
As president and founder of M.A.C., I
would like to state-
UNITED NATIONS HEAD
Excuse me, M.A.C.?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Yes, Mothers Against Canada.
UNITED NATIONS HEAD
Kay.
KYLE'S MOTHER
I would like to state that Canada must
learn to stop infiltrating our country
with its graphic art!
Cheers from the Americans.
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
Last time I checked America was a free
country!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Look at this!
Kyle's mother pulls Kenny's mother up by the head.
KYLE'S MOTHER
This woman's child was KILLED by your
country's humor! Look how upset she is!
Kenny's mom looks fine.
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
We will continue to sell Terrance and
Phillip videos to anyone retarded enough
to buy it!!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Then you leave me no choice... I call for
an EMBARGO on ALL Canadian Imports!!!
More cheers from the Americans. The Canadians look worried.
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
The boys are in the check out line at Bob's supermarket.
CARTMAN
What the hell do you mean I can't get
Cheesy Poofs?!
BOB
Sorry, kid. Cheesy Poofs are a Canadian
export. We can't carry them any more.
KYLE
Who the hell made up that law?!
CARTMAN
You can't do this!! Have you ever HAD
Cheesy Poofs? They're a taste sensation
with a delightful cheddar crunch.
BOB
There's nothing I can do. I can still
sell you Cheese-o's.
CARTMAN
FUCK Cheese-os and FUCK you!
Cartman storms out. The boys follow him.
INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY
The boys walk into Cartman's house. Cartman slams the door
behind him. The boys all walk toward the living room.
CARTMAN
Come on, you guys... We have to THINK!
STAN
About what?
CARTMAN
About Cheesy Poofs, dumbass! This
whole thing has gone too far!
KYLE
I don't really think you need Cheesy-
Poofs, tubby-
But the boys come to an abrupt halt when they reach the
living room and see that all four mothers are waiting for
them, silently.
Everyone just sits there for a second. The lighting on Kyle's
mother's face looks almost evil.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Boys, we have to have a difficult
discussion.
KYLE
We already know what you did. We saw it
on television.
STAN
Yeah, how come you arrested Terrance and
Phillip?
STAN'S MOTHER
Stanly, you're too young to understand
what's good for you. That's why we
mothers have taken charge.
KYLE
But they fucking didn't do anything
wrong!
CARTMAN
Yeah! And what rim job expert went and
outlawed Cheesy Poofs!?
The mothers all gasp in horror.
KYLE'S MOTHER
What was that word, young man!?
CARTMAN'S MOTHER
Oh, he said rim job. It's when someone
licks your ass for-
KYLE'S MOTHER
I know what it is!
CARTMAN
(To his mother)
Lick someone's ass?!
KYLE'S MOTHER
The Terrance and Phillip movie has
obviously done irreparable damage to
their brains. We have to put them in
rehab right away.
KYLE
What's that?
KYLE'S MOTHER
You boys need help. There are rehab
centers that specialize in treating
people with chronic addictions to bad
language.
STAN'S MOTHER
There are?
Kyle's mother thinks for a second.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well no, I guess not... But we will
establish the first of its kind right
here in South Park. All the children in
town will have to attend and receive
treatment from the school counselor Mr.
Mackey! Ooh I just love when I get these
sorts of ideas!
CARTMAN
Why? So you can fuck up our life some
more?
CARTMAN'S MOTHER
Eric! Don't talk to Ms. Brovlofski that
way!
CARTMAN
But mom! I'm not fucking addicted to
fucking bad language! I don't have a
fucking problem!
INT. HELL - DAY
Kenny walks through the black void of hell. A trippy, single
shaft of light seems to follow him wherever he goes.
KENNY
Mphrmo?
No answer... No nothing...
Kenny continues on, flames shoot up randomly from the ground
scaring the shit out of him.
KENNY
MPHR!! MMLY MMT!
Suddenly, Kenny hears a CLAWING NOISE. It gets louder and
louder. Kenny starts to run faster and faster. Now the
clawing is RIGHT BEHIND HIM! Kenny spins around. He is face
to face with SATAN!
Satan looks down at Kenny and shoots flames out his nose.
Kenny's eyes bulge open.
KENNY
MMMMMPHPHPHPHP!!!!!
SATAN
Fallen one... We have such sights to show
you!
Kenny shakes. Satan turns to a whispy form and flashes across
the room like a serpent, in a millisecond he is right up in
Kenny's face.
SATAN
I am Satan. I am your God, now.
KENNY
MPH RM!!!
Kenny tries to run away, but Satan again changes form, flies
across the room and cuts Kenny off.
SATAN
Come with me. I will show you what
delightful pain awaits.
Two black DEMONS grab Kenny by the arms and start to lead him
away.
KENNY
MMMMMPHPHP!!!!
Just then, SADDAM HUSSEIN show up next to Satan.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Oh, a new recruit, huh? Welcome to hell,
kid! Relax! Take a load off!!
SATAN
You remember... Saddam Hussein, don't
you?!
Kenny's eyes grow wide.
KENNY
MMMPPH!!!
EXT. REHAB CENTER - DAY
Establishing shot of the small Betty Fordesque building.
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids are sitting in chairs in a circle. There are anti-
drug signs on the walls: "Crack is Whack"; "Get High on
Pottery"; and, "I Go From Zero to Bitch in .9 Seconds." MR.
MACKEY, the wiry school counselor, leads the group. There's
a pottery wheel and lots of craft tables behind them.
MR. MACKEY
Mkay, it's come to my attention, that you
boys have a potty-mouth problem, mkay.
Now the sooner you recognize your
problem, mkay, the sooner we can get you
back to your third grade homeroom where
you belong.
KYLE
But they're just words, Mr. Mackey. Our
parents are over-reacting.
BEBE
Yeah, Wendy's here, and she doesn't even
like Terrance and Phillip!
Wendy looks bored. Stan tries to smile at her, but she
doesn't even acknowledge him.
Meanwhile, Cartman is violently shaking in his seat.
CARTMAN
Ugh... You guys, seriously... I'm having
Cheesy Poof withdrawal...
MR. MACKEY
Mkay, kids from all over the State have
been brought here, because you all share
the same problem. Uh, young man... Let's
start with you.
He points at Gregory. The little British bastard from the
lake.
GREGORY
My name is Gregory... And I have a potty
mouth.
Wendy looks at Gregory. Stan notices this.
CARTMAN
You've got a stupid accent too.
MR. MACKEY
Eric, that is not appropriate.
CARTMAN
What? Fuck French people. Fuck 'em in the
ear.
MR. MACKEY
Mkay, you see, children. This is exactly
what I'm talking about. We have to change
the way you think.
GREGORY
How are you gonna do that?
Mr. Mackey crosses to a piano. He plays chords while speaking
the following lines.
MR. MACKEY
There are times when you get suckered in,
by drugs and alcohol and sex with wom-en.
But it's when you do these things too
much
(Singing)
That you've got to clear your head
and get back in touch...
Mr. Mackey plays the piano and sings:
MR. MACKEY
You can do it, it's all up to you,
mkay?
With a method, there's nothing you
can't do, mkay?
You don't have to spend your life
addicted to crack
Homeless on the streets giving hand-
jobs for cash
as long as you follow this simple
plan
I'm fully convinced that it's,
easy, mkay...
The kids are extremely disinterested. Mackey walks over to a
chalkboard.
MR. MACKEY
Step one: Think about fun. Think
about all that you'll miss addicted
to this
Step two: Think it all through.
Think how's this gonna change my
life, what am I gonna miss?
Step three: Go and hug a tree, Hug
anything that gets in your way!
And step four: Just don't do it
anymore - it's easy, Mkay!
Mackey gets the children in a circle all holding hands.
MR. MACKEY
Come on, kids! Sing along!
KIDS
(Extremely half-assed)
You can do it, it's all up to you
mkay?
With a method, there's nothing you
can't do, mkay?
We don't have to spend our lives
addicted to crack
Homeless on the streets giving hand-
jobs for cash
MR. MACKEY
As long as you follow my simple
plan
I'm fully convinced that it's,
easy, mkay...
Everyone starts dancing in a circle.
KIDS
Step one: Think about fun. Think
about all that you'll miss addicted
to this Step two: Think it all
through. Think how's this gonna
change my life, what am I gonna
miss?
Step three: Go and hug a tree, Hug
anything that gets in your way!
And step four: Just don't do it
anymore - it's easy, Mkay!
MR. MACKEY
It's easy, Mkay?!
Everyone falls down laughing.
INT. REHAB CENTER - LOUNGE
Kyle's mom and the other moms watch the kids and Mr. Mackey
rolling around on the floor laughing on a security monitor.
KYLE'S MOTHER
What the hell do they think this is?!
Summer camp?!
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
Just then, Kyle's mother walks in with a scowling look,
interupting the kids and Mr. Mackey who are still laughing
merrily. The other mothers are behind her.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Mr. Mackey, what is going on?!
Mr. Mackey stands up, looking scared.
MR. MACKEY
Uh, we're just, starting our program...
KYLE'S MOTHER
This is NOT a place for fun and games!
This is rehabilitation! Now GET TO IT!!
We at MAC have a trial to go to!
The mothers walk away.
MR. MACKEY
Mkay.
CARTMAN
God Damn it your mom is a bitch, Kyle.
Kyle hangs his head.
EXT. SUPREME COURT - DAY
A news reporter stands in front of the Supreme Court. All
around him are protestors, with signs that say CANADA NO! and
CAN'TADA! Still others hold signs with Kenny on them.
NEWS REPORTER
Tom I'm standing in front of the U.S.
Supreme Court where the most important
trial of the - day - is happening.
Thousands of people have shown up from
all over the country to show their
outrage and disgust at Canada. Joining me
now is Mrs. McKormick, mother of the poor
little boy who was killed by the
Canadians.
Kenny's mother steps into frame. She is wearing a shirt with
Kenny's picture on it. Written on the T-shirt is 'Have you
seen my son? No, you haven't. He's dead.'
NEWS REPORTER
Mrs. McKormick, you must really hate the
Canadians.
KENNY'S MOTHER
Yes, yes I do, Tom.
NEWS REPORTER
Did you ever think you would see the day
when thousands of people were wearing
your son Kenny on T-shirts?
KENNY'S MOTHER
No I didn't. But if any of you would like
one they're 14.95. Available in blue or
white.
The reporter thinks for a second, and then turns back to the
camera.
NEWS REPORTER
Well, we can only imagine the intense,
vehement trial that is going on inside.
INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY
Terrance and Phillip are on the stand.
JOHNNY COCHRAN
Terrance and Phillip... You knowingly,
with malice of forethought were trying to
destroy American culture, yes or no?
Terrance rips a fart.
JOHNNY COCHRAN
YES OR NO!
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids are all in the main room, sitting on a couch,
huddled around a television.
They laugh merrily.
STAN
Shh! Mr. Mackey's gonna hear us!
INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY
TERRANCE
The Americans are just showing their TRUE
COLORS as smelly bastards.
PHILLIP
Fight the power!
TERRANCE
The young boy that died lit himself on
fire. It was unfortunate, but how can
they blame US?
PHILLIP
Don't believe the hype!!
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids all shout agreement.
KIDS
(Adlib)
Yeah! WooHoo!
BACK TO COURTHOUSE
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
TERRANCE
You cannot oppress us! We will continue
to pursue our art. We know there are
Americans out there who will help us!
Kyle's mother now stands up from the prosecutor's table.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Your 'ART' is shallow and immature! We
Americans do NOT allow that for our
children!!
PHILLIP
Please. You teach your children that
America is the land of the free. But it's
all bullshit. You're one of the most
conservative countries in the world!
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The children all listen, wide-eyed.
INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY
TERRANCE
The problem is you don't allow your
children to think for themselves. You try
to raise them in a protective bubble, and
then when they finally get old enough,
they realize they've been lied to, and
they resent you for it.
PHILLIP
Yeah, God, no wonder your country is so
fucked up.
KYLE'S MOTHER
THAT IS ENOUGH!!
TERRANCE
WAKE UP AMERICA! YOUR government censors
YOU from the world.
KYLE'S MOTHER
NO THEY DON'T!
PHILLIP
YES THEY DO! AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU! IN
MARCH OF LAST YEAR, THE AMERICAN
GOVERNMENT-
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.
Suddenly, the screen goes blank. A sign that says 'PLEASE
STAND BY' comes on.
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids all watch, wide-eyed.
KYLE
What happened?
WENDY
The station CONVENIENTLY went blank.
INT. CANADIAN PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
The Canadian Prime Minister stands directly in front of
camera, looking right at us.
CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER
ATTENTION AMERICA!! You have taken our
national treasure Terrance and Phillip.
We, in turn, have taken yours... The
Smothers Brothers!
The Canadian Prime Minister steps out of the way, revealing
the Smothers Brothers tied up in chairs behind him.
CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER
I'll let you catch your breath... Now,
release Terrance and Phillip, or else we
will EXECUTE your beloved Smothers
Brothers!!
TOMMY SMOTHERS
Please listen to them!!
DICK SMOTHERS
They're not fucking around!!
CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER
We're not fucking around. This is not
aboot deals. This aboot dignity. This is
aboot freedom... This is aboot respect.
RETURN Terrance and Phillip NOW!!!
Another Canadian leans in and whispers in the Prime
Minister's ear.
CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER
Oh yeah... AND FUCK YOU, AMERICA!
He raises his middle finger, but it's all blurred and
digitized.
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
MR. MACKEY
Okay kids, for today's rehabilitation
activity, we're going to watch the
Terrance and Phillip movie.
STAN
What?!
KYLE
Sweet!
MR. MACKEY
Now, this is an EDITED version of the
movie, which was put out by the MPAA.
That's the Motion Picture Association of
America.
WENDY
Isn't that censorship?
MR. MACKEY
No the MPAA is NOT a censorship group.
WENDY
Why not?
MR. MACKEY
Uh... Because they say so... Mkay. Now I
want you to watch this movie, with all
the immature profanity taken out, and
notice how much better a movie it
becomes...
Mackey puts the tape in and hits play.
The TITLES come up 'Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire'
Except that 'Asses' has been blurred out, and replaced with
'bunz'.
KIDS
HOORAY!!!
The movie begins. Phillip walks in. But it isn't Phillip's
voice, somebody has dubbed him over.
DUBBED PHILLIP
Hey Terrance. I feel like I'm going to
pass gas near your head.
DUBBED TERRANCE
I would rather you didn't, Phillip.
DUBBED PHILLIP
Oh? Is that so?
Phillip farts on Terrance.
TERRANCE
Oh, you are such a maroon!
PHILLIP
You would know, dummy.
The boys look confused.
TERRANCE
You are pigeon-like in your intelligence.
The pseudo-Terrance and Phillip laugh. Terrance throws a
match on Phillip and Phillip burns to death.
A TITLE comes up - THE END.
And the credits roll.
CARTMAN
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
KYLE
Dude, they cut out 92 minutes!
The lights in the theater come up.
MR. MACKEY
So you see, the point and the theme of
the film is kept intact. And of course,
the MPAA didn't cut out any of the
graphic violence. What did you think?
CARTMAN
Oh man, I'm gonna need a cherry pie to
get the taste of ass out of my mouth from
that piece of shit movie.
MR. MACKEY
Eric, you're not watching your mouth!
CARTMAN
You get me Cheesy Poofs with the
delightful cheddar crunch, and I'll watch
my fucking mouth!
MR. MACKEY
Eric!!!! You need to be rehabilitated.
Help me to help you!
CARTMAN
Help yourself prickfuck!
MR. MACKEY
I am not a prickfuck, mkay? You little
asshole!
Mackey slaps his hand over his mouth and looks around, scared.
CARTMAN
Ha, ha, you stupid asshole prickfuck.
INT. REHAB CENTER - SEPARATE ROOM
Mr. Mackey is in a private office with the members of M.A.C.
KYLE'S MOTHER
How is the children's progress?
MR. MACKEY
Very encouraging. Most of the children
have been weened from their naughty
mouths.
KYLE'S MOTHER
What do you mean MOST, why not ALL?
MR. MACKEY
(Nervous)
Well, some of the children just don't
respond to 12 step programs.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Then we'll have to resort to plan B and
call the v-chip organization.
Dramatic MUSIC STING. Mackey looks afraid.
MR. MACKEY
Mrs. Brovlofski, the V-chip hasn't been
fully tested yet, it could be dangerous.
KYLE'S MOTHER
(Evil)
I don't care if it's dangerous! Desperate
times call for desperate measures, Mr.
Mackey. Perhaps I need to remind you of
your situation.
MR. MACKEY
(Nervous)
Alright, I'll make the call...
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids are again glued to the TV watching the trial of
Terrance and Phillip.
INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY
Back in the courthouse, the jury walks in and sits down.
JUDGE
Madam foreman, have you reached a
verdict?
FOREMAN
We have, your honor.
JUDGE
How find you, the jury?
FOREMAN
We the jury, find the defendants...
Terrance and Phillip... GUILTY of being
complete bastards.
The crowd goes wild. The mothers of M.A.C. stand and cheer.
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids sit in shock.
KYLE
Oh no!
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
TERRANCE
Oh oh, Phillip. You know what this means?
PHILLIP
We'll be farting bread and water for a
few years.
The judge bangs her gavel.
JUDGE
Terrance and Phillip, for crimes against
the great nation of America you are
hereby sentenced to DEATH.
HUGE MUSIC STING.
TERRANCE
DEATH?! You gotta be shittin' me!
PHILLIP
Aghgh!
Phillip passes out.
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids can't believe what they're seeing. Everyone is
silent. Finally, Kyle perks up.
KYLE
Dude, let's help Terrance and Phillip!!
STAN
How do we do that?
Kyle thinks for a moment.
WENDY
You raise awareness by distributing
buttons, stickers and leaflets.
CARTMAN
That'd be sweet! We could try to bring
back Cheesy Poofs!
KYLE
Yeah, let's make Free Terrance and
Phillip buttons!
WENDY
You guys don't even care. All you care
about is seeing Terrance and Phillip fart
on each other more.
The boys sit there and blink.
STAN
Yeah!
WENDY
This is about freedom of speech, Stan,
about censorship.
The handsome English kid, Gregory chimes in.
GREGORY
Yes, what's next? Barcodes on our
forearms? This country is the most
fascist of all.
Wendy looks at Gregory deeply. Gregory smiles at her.
STAN
What the hell are you talking about, kid?
WENDY
You don't get it Stan... You just don't
get it.
Wendy walks away.
STAN
What? What don't I get?
(To Kyle)
What don't I get?
KYLE
I don't know, dude.
STAN
That British dickhole is what's taking
Wendy away from me!
KYLE
I thought she wasn't your girlfriend,
dude.
STAN
She's Not! But if she WAS it would be
THAT little asshole who's fucking it up
for me!
INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids are all sitting in rows, wearing very crude 'Free
Terrance and Phillip' buttons.
MR. MACKEY
Mkay, children, you've all made terrific
progress, and are hereby done with the
eight step program.
The kids all AD LIB relief.
CARTMAN
Thank God, that sucked ass.
MR. MACKEY
Uh, except for you Eric. I'm afraid you
need to work more on not saying the F
word and the N word.
CARTMAN
The N word?
MR. MACKEY
(Reading)
Norwegian Ass Raper.
CARTMAN
Oh yeah.
MR. MACKEY
The rest of you are graduated. You can go
home today.
The kids cheer.
CARTMAN
I don't graduate?! WHAT THE FUCK IS
THIS?! THIS IS BULLSHIT?!
Just then, Mackey notices the little buttons on everybody's
shirts.
MR. MACKEY
Free Terrance and Phillip? Oh no... Mkay.
KYLE
(Proudly)
We're protesting!
STAN
Yeah!
MR. MACKEY
Well, boys, it might interest you to know
that your FRIENDS the Canadians have just
bombed the U.S.
STAN
They did?!
MR. MACKEY
Yes, at six this morning they bombed the
heck out of Cleveland.
KYLE
Oh. That doesn't count.
WENDY
They only bombed Cleveland because we're
going to Execute two of their citizens!!
MR. MACKEY
Wendy, Mkay, if you want to start getting
political, I'll throw your skinny little
butt right back into rehab. Mkay?
CARTMAN
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT GRADUATE ME?!
DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO STAY HERE?!
MR. MACKEY
No, Eric... I'm afraid it's phase two for
you...
Dramatic MUSIC sting.
INT. HELL - DAY
Kenny is chained up in a torture chamber in Hell. Demons and
ghouls surround him.
SATAN
Prepare thyself for unending pain!
Unparalleled misery!!
Kenny starts to cry.
Saddam Hussein comes out from behind Satan holding a martini.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Hey, relax Satan. Don't get all worked
up. You're gonna give yourself an ulcer
again.
KENNY
Mrph mprph!!
SADDAM HUSSEIN
What? What do you mean you don't belong
here? Relax guy, hell is for children.
KENNY
Mrph mprhm mm rmph!
SADDAM HUSSEIN
A deal? You wanna make a deal with the
devil. Well sure, deals are mounds o'
fun.
SATAN
(To Saddam)
Saddam, would you let me do my job
please!
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Hey relax, guy. Let's see what the kid
wants.
KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph rmph rm!
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Oh, you want out of hell, huh?
SATAN
Well of COURSE he wants out of hell! The
whole POINT of hell is that you don't
WANT to be here!
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Okay, kid, I have a deal for you! If you
want out of hell, all you have to do is
collect 10 proofs of purchases from
'Snacky Smores.' They're rich,
chocolatey and really hit the spot. Bring
me ten proofs of purchases and we'll
grant you ANY WISH YOU WANT.
KENNY
Mrph?
SADDAM HUSSEIN
I wouldn't bullshit you kid! Snacky
Smores are now available in stores
everywhere! No biggie!
Saddam walks over to Kenny and releases his chains.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
(To Kenny)
Well what are you waiting for pal?! Get
to it!
Kenny runs out and away.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
HA HA HAHA!! What a dumbass!!
Saddam walks over and joins Satan on the couch.
SATAN
I don't see why you have to belittle me
in front of people like that.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Hey, relax guy. It's just a cruel joke.
Rich, chocolatey Snacky Smores are only
available up on Earth. He'll never get
'em, see?
SATAN
Sometimes I just think you don't have any
respect for me.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Hey, come here, guy.
Saddam pulls Satan around and plants a big wet kiss on him.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Who's my cream puff?
SATAN
I am.
INT. PTA MEETING - DAY
A large crowd of parents has gathered for a PTA meeting.
Kenny's mother is at a table selling dead Kenny t-shirts. She
has a shitload of money all around her. Another MOTHER walks
up, hands Kenny's mom money, and gets a shirt.
MOTHER
Is that a new pearl bracelet, Mrs.
McKormick?
KENNY'S MOTHER
Why yes. Yes it is.
Meanwhile, Kyle's mother is on the stand.
KYLE'S MOTHER
As our next official order of business
here at M.A.C., we will test the new V-
chip. As most of you know, the V-chip was
created to lock children out of watching
certain shows on television. And now the
N.I.H. has created a new, exciting
product that they can tell us all about.
Here is the Surgeon General, Dr.
Pangloss.
DOCTOR PANGLOSS, a lab technician in white takes the podium.
DOCTOR PANGLOSS
Thank you, parents.
One person claps. Pangloss hits a button and a slide
projector starts showing pictures of the device.
DOCTOR PANGLOSS
The machinery of the new 'V-chip' is very
simple, and similar to that of the V-
chip. The chip is placed just under the
subject's skin, where it emits a small
but painful shock of electricity whenever
an obscenity is uttered.
The parents are fascinated.
STAN'S FATHER
Now wait a minute, are you telling us
that this chip somehow KNOWS if the kid
is swearing?
DOCTOR PANGLOSS
It's just like a lie detector. Certain
things happen in you when you swear just
like when you lie, the chip picks up on
this and gives the subject a shock.
The parents AD LIB 'Ooohs' and 'Ahhhhs'
DOCTOR PANGLOSS
We are very excited to see the results of
this test.
(Calling)
Patient 453, would you step out here,
please?
Cartman steps out wearing a hospital gown.
DOCTOR PANGLOSS
Patient 453 here has been fitted with the
new v-chip...
CARTMAN
My head hurts.
DOCTOR PANGLOSS
Don't worry about that. Now, I want you
to say 'Doggy.'
CARTMAN
Doggy.
DOCTOR PANGLOSS
Notice that nothing happens.
(To Cartman)
Now say 'Montana.'
CARTMAN
Montana.
DOCTOR PANGLOSS
Good. Now 'Pillow'.
CARTMAN
Pillow.
DOCTOR PANGLOSS
Alright, now I want you to say
'horsefucker.'
Cartman looks offstage to his mother.
CARTMAN'S MOTHER
Go ahead, it's alright, Eric.
Cartman smiles.
CARTMAN
Horsefuck-
BZZZZZAAAAT!!!!
CARTMAN
AGAAHGAHGAH!!!!!
Cartman falls to the floor in pain. All the parents ooh and
ahh and applaud.
CARTMAN
OW!! That HURT GOD DAMMI-
BAZAAATTT!!
CARTMAN
OW!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! THIS ISN'T
FAIR!!! YOU SONS A BITCHE--
BAZAAATTT!!
DOCTOR PANGLOSS
Success!! Our device works perfectly! We
will begin mass production immediately!
KYLE'S MOTHER
And so we have succesfully removed the
Canadian smut from all of our children's
brains.
We have made changes at school to ensure
that our kids are NEVER AGAIN exposed to
smut!!!!!!! It's OVER!
The crowd goes wild.
EXT. SCHOOL - DAY
School is now Naziesque. A military drum echoes in the
distance.
INT. CLASSROOM - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
Stan and Kyle are sitting in their desks, waiting for school
to begin.
Wendy walks by on her way to her desk.
STAN
Hi Wendy.
WENDY
(Not even looking)
Hi Stan.
Wendy walks on by.
KYLE
Wow, dude. Wendy could really give a rats
ass about you.
STAN
(Eyes still on Wendy)
I bet she would if my name was GREGORY!!
KYLE
Good thing she was never your
girlfriend... Dude, here comes Cartman.
Cartman walks in and gingerly sits down.
KYLE
Hey, Cartman, did they put that V-chip in
your head or your ass?
STAN
What's the difference?
Stan and Kyle laugh.
CARTMAN
Very funny dickhead-
BZZAAT! The v-chip shocks Cartman.
CARTMAN
OW! FUCK-
BZZZAAAT!!
CARTMAN
AY!
Cartman is thrown to the floor in a shivering heap.
KYLE
Whoa! What the hell was that?!
STAN
Dude! It's the V-chip! It shocks him
ever time he cusses!
Stan and Kyle look at each other. Kyle smiles.
KYLE
Hey Cartman.
CARTMAN
What?
KYLE
You know, me and Stan were just talking
about what a fat fucking hunk o' fat fuck
you are.
CARTMAN
Oh yeah?! Well you're a monkey-shit-
BZAAAT!
CARTMAN
SHIT-
BZZZAAAT!!
CARTMAN
FUCK-
BZZAAAT!! The cycle continues as Stan and Kyle laugh merrily
watching Cartman flopping around on the floor.
KYLE
This is sweet!!
STAN
Totally!
Garrison stands before his class.
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, let's try a few new math
problems. What is five times two?
The kids all just sit there.
MR. GARRISON
Come on, children, do be shy, just give
it your best shot.
Clyde raises his hand.
MR. GARRISON
Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE
Twelve?
MR. GARRISON
Okay, now let's try to get an answer from
somebody who's not a complete retard.
Anyone? Come on don't be shy...
Just then, the door bursts open and in walks a couple of Nazi
looking American soldiers.
They walk over to the children and start pulling off their
'Free Terrance and Phillip' pins.
STAN
Hey, what are you doing?
SOLDIER
You can't wear these in school. It's
against school policy, thank you.
Another solider rips off Kyle's pin and replaces it with a
yellow star.
KYLE
What's that for?
SOLDIER 2
You get a star for doing well in school.
Just as quickly, the soldiers make their way out the door.
WENDY
NAZIS!!
STAN
What's the matter, Wendy?
WENDY
Nothing, Stan. You wouldn't understand.
STAN
(To Kyle)
God damn it, why does she keep saying
that?
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
The boys are in line. Nazi-ish soldiers usher them through.
STAN
I'm so sick of these soldiers.
KYLE
Yeah, they suck.
CARTMAN
I know. Always saying, do this, do that.
They think they're so cooool.
(To the soldier)
Acht lieben kraft auct shpiler!
(BZZZT)
OW!!!
The soldier glares at him. The boys walk into the kitchen,
where they are greeted by their big, happy, black school
CHEF!
CHEF
Hello there, children!!
STAN
Hey, Chef.
CHEF
How would like some Salisbury Steak with
buttered noodles?
KYLE
We can't, we're on a hunger strike.
CHEF
A hunger strike? For what?
STAN
To free Terrance and Phillip.
CARTMAN
But you guys... It's Salisbury steak.
STAN
Chef, do you know anything about women?
CHEF
Ha! Is the Pope Catholic?
KYLE
I don't know.
CHEF
Children, I know ALL there is to know
about women.
STAN
What's the secret to making a woman
happy?
CHEF
(Dishing out food)
Oh that's easy, you just gotta find the
clitoris.
STAN
Huh?
Suddenly, Chef realizes who he's talking to.
CHEF
Oops, I guess you haven't got that far
in your anatomy class, huh?
STAN
No, what does that mean, find the
clitoris?
CARTMAN
Is that like finding Jesus or something?
Now Chef starts to panic.
CHEF
Uh... Nothing. Forget I said anything.
Now move along, children! You're holding
up the line!
Just then, the P.A. blares out an announcement.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (O.S.)
ATTENTION ALL SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
STUDENTS AND STAFF! REPORT TO THE
GYMNASIUM IMMEDIATELY FOR A SPECIAL
ANNOUNCEMENT!!
STAN
Woa, I wonder what's going on, dude.
INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY
All the elementary students are gathered in front of a large
television monitor.
Mr. Garrison and his class walk in and look confused.
The boys walk up to Chef.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Please take your seats, everyone!!!!
They all go to their seats.
KYLE
What's going on, Chef?
CHEF
Something big, children.
The television goes from that Emergency broadcast signal to a
scene of a news anchor sitting at his desk.
NEWS ANCHOR
(Very serious)
This is a State of Emergency. We go now
to the White House for a VERY IMPORTANT
ANNOUNCEMENT from the President of the
United States.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
The President is sitting in a chair by the fireplace.
PRESIDENT CLINTON
Ladies and gentlemen... At five a.m.
today, a day which will live in infamy...
sort of... the U.S. has declared war on
Canada.
ANGLE - KIDS
They all stare in silence. Mr. Garrison takes a deep breath.
CHEF
Oh, no...
MR. MACKEY
I don't believe it.
CARTMAN
Holy crap-
(BZZZT!)
OW!! Hey crap isn't a swear word, what
the fuck?!
(ZZZZZZTTT)
AGAGAGH!!!
PRESIDENT CLINTON
All Canadians are to leave the country
immediately, or be subject to military
camps. All Canadian products are to be
thrown out.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
How can they do this?
MR. GARRISON
I never thought there would be war again
in my lifetime...
INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
PRESIDENT CLINTON
Do not be afraid of this war. Instead
embrace it. We have God on our side. And
besides, they're just Canadians, what the
hell are they gonna do?
INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY
Everyone watches the television in stunned silence.
STAN
Chef, what does it mean that we're at
war?
CHEF
It's... It's not good children.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
What do we do? Do we go on as normal
or...?
MR. GARRISON
I don't know Principal Victoria... I
don't know...
PRESIDENT
And now, I would like to bring up the
woman who led, and is still leading the
way in this glorious stand-
KYLE
(Pointing to TV)
HOLY SHIT DUDE!!
Kyle's mom appears on the TV dressed in military garb.
PRESIDENT
Mrs. Sheila Brovlofski.
CHEF
Isn't that your mother, Kyle?
Kyle can't believe it.
On the television, Kyle's mother walks up to the podium. She
is dressed to the hilt. She hugs the President and the first
lady and then takes a deep breath.
KYLE'S MOTHER
My fellow Americans. I have led this
fight in the War against profanity. I
have founded Mothers Against Canada. Our
neighbor to the north has abused us for
the last time.
PRESIDENT
As Commander in chief, I have ordered our
Army to set up defensive positions along
the US-Canada border in anticipation of
an attack.
KYLE'S MOTHER
What about air strikes?
PRESIDENT
Huh?
KYLE'S MOTHER
We have to have air strikes on their
military and entertainment centers. It's
the only way to ensure that their smut
can't reach American soil!
PRESIDENT
Oh, uh... I don't know if air strikes
are necessary.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Not necessary?! Mr. President, may I
remind you that our country's heart and
soul are at stake, and our children's
minds are the battlefield!
The bastard Canadians want to fight us
because we won't tolerate their potty
mouths. Well, if it is war they want...
THEN WAR THEY SHALL HAVE!!!
A huge eruption of cheers from the crowd in front of Kyle's
mother. She is obviously floored by it. She can't help but
smile. She actually holds her head up higher, and then raises
her arms up in two peace signs, as the cheers get louder.
The president forces a smile and actually applauds with the
rest of the crowd.
Back in the gymnasium, Kyle looks thoroughly embarrassed.
CHEF
Damn, your mom's a bitch, Kyle.
CARTMAN
Amen to that.
INT. HELL - DAY
Kenny is sadly walking around hell. He walks up to another
one of hell's prisoners.
KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph rm?
GEORGE BURNS
Snacky Smores? Why the hell would I have
proofs of purchases from Snacky Smores?
Beat it, kid.
Kenny moves along. He hears some voices coming from a door.
Kenny opens the door and peeps inside-
INT. SATAN'S BEDROOM - KENNY'S POV
Saddam and Satan are lying in bed.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
You just get cranky when you're tired,
that's all. I told you that you
shouldn't have tried to carry that futon
all by yourself.
SATAN
I'm not cranky. And that futon was not
too big to carry myself-
Just then, Satan hears a reporter on CNN.
TV
In war news, countries from Europe and
Asia are joining sides in the Canadian-
American War-
SADDAM HUSSEIN
-Listen butterbuns, let's make love and
forget about the whole thing-
SATAN
SHHH!!!!
TV
...The death count is already on its way
to 10 million with no signs of slowing
down. What started as a spat between the
United States and Canada is quickly
turning into World War III-
Kenny's eyes bulge, he wants to see more, but Satan clicks
off the television and sits up in bed.
SATAN
It has come to be... The Four Horsemen
are drawing nigh! The time of the
prophecy is upon us!
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Oh I love when you get all biblical
Satan. You know exactly how to turn my
crank!
SATAN
No I'm being serious! Those Canadian
entertainers are to be killed. It is the
seventh sign.
Satan walks over to large pedestal which holds an ancient
tome. Satan turns the pages as he talks.
SATAN
Behold, the signs of my reign on earth
are all falling into place! The fall of
an empire-
He points to an ancient-looking picture of the death of
Ceasar.
SATAN
-The coming of a comet-
He points to a picture of a comet passing by Earth.
SATAN
Jerry Springer's movie doing more than
ten million box office-
A picture of Jerry Springer holding a bunch of money.
SATAN
....And now....
Satan points to an ancient drawing on the wall. It looks like
Terrance and Phillip being stabbed in the head.
SATAN
The seventh sign! When the blood of
these Canadians touches American soil...
It will be my time to rise!!!!!
DRAMATIC music.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Yeah! YEAH!!! Man I'm getting so HOT!!!
SATAN
Do you always think about sex? I'm
talking about some very important stuff
here!
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Listen buttercup, let's make love and
forget about the whole thing.
SATAN
Is sex the only thing that matters to
you?
Saddam thinks for a second.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
I love you.
Satan sits with his arms crossed and a frown.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
You know I do.
SATAN
I know.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
So what do you say we shut off that light
and get close, huh?
Satan reaches over and turns off the light. Everything goes
pitch black. The light goes off of Kenny's face as well.
A beat.
Then, a small moan from Satan.